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WHY CAN'T PEOPLE GET THEMSELVES MURDERED ON THE GROUND FLOOR?

LIEUTENANT.

HEY, CHANEY. PUTTING ON SOME WEIGHT?

WHERE'S THE MAIN EVENT?

DOWN THERE.

OH, JESUS. WHO WAS HE?

STUDENT. A FEW LIVED HERE.

ONE OF THEM CALLED?

NO. NEIGHBOR, FLOOR BELOW.

HEARD SOME YELLING.

DID HE SEE ANYTHING?

NO. NOTHING.

IT'S HOT AS HELL.

WHAT WERE THEY YELLING ABOUT?

DON'T KNOW.

ALL IN SOME WEIRDO LANGUAGE.

COULD THIS NEIGHBOR TELL HOW MANY THERE WERE?

HE WASN'T SURE. TWO, THREE...

ONE WOMAN.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

"BUT THE LIPSTICK-STAINED CIGARETTE IN THE ASHTRAY

"SAID THIS WAS NO DREAM.

"SO THERE WAS JUST ONE PROBLEM--

"IF ONLY HE COULD...

REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE"?

YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

I DIDN'T--

I KNOW. IT'S NOT THAT GOOD.

I REREAD THIS LAST NIGHT.

THIS HAS AN EDGE

THAT YOUR NEW STUFF DOESN'T HAVE.

I WON'T LIE TO YOU, PHIL.

THE PUBLISHERS ARE GETTING ANTSY.

YOU NEED A BEST-SELLER SOON.

IT'S A DRY SPELL.

OF COURSE.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO WRITERS.

IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS.

FOUR.

FOUR.

CHRIST.

CHRIST. YEAH, I'M RESEARCHING ALL THE TIME.

I CAN'T COME UP WITH ANY NEW CRIMES.

GET MARRIED AGAIN. YOU'LL THINK OF NEW CRIMES.

THE LAST THING I NEED IS ANOTHER WOMAN.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WITH A WOMAN SINCE SUSAN.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. I HAVE.

FORGET SUSAN. SHE LEFT YOU.

THANKS FOR REMINDING ME, SAM.

THAT'S OK.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN SO HUMILIATING--

LEAVING YOU FOR A LITERARY CRITIC.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED.

WHAT I NEED IS A STORY.

SLEEP WITH HER AND TAKE NOTES.

UH, MISS?

GO FOR IT.

GO ON.

HI.

MY NAME'S PHIL.

I WROTE THIS.

MINE'S KAREN, AND, UH...I WROTE THIS.

188-104-39A,

THE STATE OF NEW YORK VS. RICHARD RYAN.

MY CLIENT HAS NEVER DEALT DRUGS.

HE CLAIMS THE ONLY DRUG HE'S USED IS ASPIRIN,

AND FRANKLY, I BELIEVE HIM.

OK, OK. WE ACCEPT POSSESSION,

BUT LET'S FORGET ASSAULT.

HE'S NOT CAPABLE OF ASSAULT.

I UNDERSTOOD FROM THE PROSECUTION

THAT HE ATTACKED A UNIFORMED OFFICER

AND THAT THIS WAS SEEN BY FOUR WITNESSES.

HEY. OLIVER, FX, MILLIE.

HIYA, PHIL.

PHIL, HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

YOU LOOK TIRED. HAVE SOME LIVERWURST.

THANKS. I'M NOT HUNGRY.

SO HOW DID IT GO?

JUST LIKE ROSE SAID-- FELONY POSSESSION.

HE DROPPED THE ASSAULT CHARGE.

YOU OWE ME 5 BUCKS.

THANKS. SEE YOU SOON.

HOW'S THE NEW BOOK?

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

I NEED A NEW STORY. WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

DRUG CASE DOWN THE HALL,

KIDNAPPING-- SECOND FLOOR,

A BIG MALPRACTICE UPSTAIRS.

189-403-26A...

STICK TO MURDERS. THEY'RE THE CREAM.

TONY BERNARDINI'S PRELIMINARY.

HOW DOES DEFENSE PLEAD?

NOT GUILTY.

NOT GUILTY. WE'RE ASKING FOR A REASONABLE BAIL.

NO CHANCE.

BAIL IS...

500,000.

$500,000.

THAT FACE-- HE'S AN OBVIOUS KILLER.

REMEMBER, A MAN'S INNOCENT UNTIL HE'S PROVEN GUILTY.

IS HE INNOCENT, ROSE?

GUILTY.

WHO IS THAT?

MUST BE THE GIRL MASON MENTIONED.

THEY SAY SHE KILLED A GUY.

326-579-0A,

THE STATE OF NEW YORK VS. NINA IONESCU.

HER?

HOW COULD SHE KILL ANYBODY?

STABBED HIM THROUGH THE HEART

WITH A PAIR OF 9-INCH SCISSORS.

SHE'LL GO TO PRISON.

THE MAJOR DRAWBACK IN KILLING SOMEONE.

YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT DOESN'T SPEAK MUCH ENGLISH.

GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?

I'M REQUESTING A 24-HOUR CONTINUANCE

TO TALK WITH MY CLIENT

THROUGH A ROMANIAN INTERPRETER.

GRANTED.

CHAPTER ONE.

THE TOUGH HEART

OF PRIVATE EYE PETER SWIFT

TURNED TO MOLTEN LAVA

WHEN HE SAW HER IN THAT COURTROOM.

SHE HAD THE FACE OF AN ANGEL,

FRAGILE, ETHEREAL.

HE WONDERED WHAT HER BREASTS LOOKED LIKE.

SHE HAS A VALID STUDENT VISA.

THAT'S ABOUT ALL WE KNOW.

WE WANT TO HELP YOU.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONFESS?

IN LIEU OF THAT,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE MY CHILDREN?

CAREFUL, CRAIG.

THE DEAD GUY WAS PROBABLY HER LOVER.

WHAT A WAY TO GO.

CRAIG, IT'S THE EMBASSY GUYS.

HELLO, I'M CRAIG FARRELL, ASSISTANT D.A.

EUGENE MASON, PUBLIC DEFENDER'S OFFICE.

FRANK POLITO, HOMICIDE.

TROPPA, COMANESCU, AVRAM.

I'M TOLD YOU WON'T RELEASE HER

TO ROMANIAN GOVERNMENT.

SORRY, COMRADE. NO CAN DO.

BUT THE VICTIM WAS ROMANIAN CITIZEN.

HE MADE THE MISTAKE OF GETTING KILLED HERE.

THE D.A.'S TRYING THE CASE.

I WILL TALK TO HER?

BE MY GUEST.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT'S SHE SAYING?

SHE'S BEGGING FOR OUR ASSISTANCE.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

MAYBE THAT'S HOW THEY SAY GOODBYE IN ROMANIAN.

CONGRATULATIONS, JACK.

WONDERFUL BOOK. WONDERFUL.

TO MARGARET, PLEASE.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, PHILIP?

I'VE BEEN WORKING, JACK.

GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

I THOUGHT YOU'D FORSAKEN WRITING ALTOGETHER.

I MISS THAT CHARACTER OF YOURS,

THAT PETER...SWINE?

SWIFT.

OF COURSE. HE'S SO POPULIST.

JACK, DARLING, I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.

THE BEST. JUST BRILLIANT WORK.

YOU MUST SIGN THIS BOOK.

JACK, IT IS SUPERB.

RIVETING, RIVETING.

JACK'S A DAMNED FINE WRITER.

HE'S A PRETENTIOUS ASS.

HE PLAGIARIZES EVERY WORD.

HIS STUFF'S SO PREDICTABLE.

I CAN WRITE HIM OFF THE PAGE

WITH MY EYES CLOSED.

SO WHY DON'T YOU?

MAYBE I WILL.

MEANING?

I THINK I'VE FOUND A STORY.

IT COULD BE GOOD.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

MY INSPIRATION'S KIND OF LOCKED UP.

YOU THINK BALZAC WAITED FOR INSPIRATION?

YOU THINK HAROLD ROBBINS WAITS FOR INSPIRATION?

PHIL.

ONE OF THE MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS IN TOWN.

YOU'RE LOOKING SO SVELTE.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

LIPOSUCTION.

OH, YOU'RE SO WITTY.

SWIFT HAD PENETRATED ENEMY HEADQUARTERS.

HIS MASTERY OF DISGUISE WAS LEGENDARY.

WAS THIS A TRICK?

WERE THEY ACTUALLY AWARE OF HIS BRAZEN PLAN?

SWIFT SUSPECTED THESE THUGS

WERE LEADING HIM INTO A TRAP.

HOW YOU DOING, RAYNETTE?

OK.

THE NUBILE SCANDINAVIAN GUARD

HURLED THE DOOR OPEN.

HE WAS BRUTALLY FLUNG INSIDE.

THIS IS IT, FATHER.

THANKS, DEAR-- UH...MY CHILD.

UM...

THE WORD FOR "CONFESSION," FATHER, IS SPOVEDANIA.

SPOVEDANIA. THANK YOU.

WHAT DID I SAY?

YOU JUST SAID YOUR MOTHER'S AN OCTOPUS.

YOU DO SPEAK ENGLISH.

YOU KNOW, FATHER, I'M FROM A COMMUNIST COUNTRY.

WE HAVE NO RELIGION.

I HAVE NOTHING TO CONFESS.

NO ONE'S WITHOUT SIN.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.

YES, UH...

UH, I HAD, UH... IMPURE THOUGHTS.

REALLY?

I MEAN, UH...

WERE THEY, UH, THOUGHTS OF ANYONE IN PARTICULAR

OR JUST RANDOM LUST?

JUST, UH...RANDOM?

YES, MY CHILD.

AND, UH, I DE...

DE...TEE...

DECEASED?

DESTROY.

DECAPITATED?

DES--DESPAIRED.

THAT'S IT? NOTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO TELL ME?

TAKE YOUR TIME.

YOU DIDN'T CHEAT AT CARDS, STEAL ANYTHING?

NO INSIDER TRADING?

MURDER ANYBODY?

I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO CONFESS.

WELL, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME.

UH... WHAT ABOUT MY PENANCE?

WHAT?

PENANCE?

YOU'RE FORGIVEN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE!

LOOK...

IT'S MY TURN TO CONFESS.

I'M NOT A PRIEST.

ME, NEITHER.

YOU WORK FOR THE POLICE.

NO, I DON'T.

WHO, THEN

NOT FOR ANYBODY.

I, UH, DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I WAS IN COURT WHEN YOU WERE ARRAIGNED.

I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU.

HOW

I CAN GIVE YOU AN ALIBI.

THEY WILL NEVER BELIEVE IT.

WELL, MAYBE THEY WILL.

AND IF THEY DON'T?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

SO...

WHAT DO YOU WANT...

SEX?

NO.

NO, NO. GOD, NO.

NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.

SO, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

BECAUSE, I...

I DON'T KNOW...

BUT I'M YOUR ONLY HOPE.

SO, WHAT IS THIS ALIBI?

WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

SINCE WHEN?

SINCE LAST WEEK SHE'S BEEN WITH ME.

SAM KNOWS ABOUT HER.

IS THAT RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHERE WAS THIS AFFAIR?

IN MY PLACE IN CONNECTICUT.

HOW'D YOU MEET HER?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU.

AT A LECTURE I WAS GIVING.

BULLSHIT.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS A BRILLIANT ANALYSIS

OF THE AMERICAN DETECTIVE NOVEL

FROM POE TO CHANDLER.

NOT THE LECTURE, THE MEETING.

THERE WAS NO MEETING, NOT THEN.

I MET NINA AFTER THE LECTURE.

YES, HE DID. I WAS THERE.

BRILLIANT ANALYSIS OF THE AMERICAN--

DID I ALREADY TELL YOU THIS?

LISTEN TO THIS CRAP.

EXCUSE US A MINUTE, PLEASE.

WE HAVE TO TAKE THIS ONE SERIOUSLY.

WE'RE RUNNING ABOUT FIVE YEARS BEHIND

IN MURDER CASES ANYWAY.

YOU'RE BUYING HIS BULLSHIT?

HE'S LYING.

WHY WOULD HE?

ARE YOU BLIND? DID YOU LOOK AT HER?

EVIDENCE AGAINST HER ISN'T CONCLUSIVE.

NOBODY SAW HER DO ANYTHING.

JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A LOOKER--

THIS POLITICAL STUFF'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.

WE GOT TWO SOLID CITIZENS WITH AN ALIBI.

WHY WOULD THEY MAKE IT UP?

DO YOU THINK THEY'LL PUT ME

IN ONE OF THOSE PRISONS FOR EXECUTIVES?

[WORKMAN WHISTLES]

FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME.

NO.

NO?

WE AGREED.

THIS ALIBI HAS TO BE SUPPORTED.

I COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S GO.

OK.

DO YOU HAVE MANY FRIENDS HERE?

NO.

WHAT DO YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?

NOTHING.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

HELLO?

SHE WITH YOU?

YES, AND, UH, I'M VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT.

THANK GOD. NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD WORK.

UH, PHIL, NOW DO ME A FAVOR, HMM?

GET BACK TO THE TYPEWRITER.

RIGHT.

HOW'S BLACKWOOD? GOT HIM WORKING?

AS WE SPEAK, HANK.

I HOPE SO. YOU'VE BACKED HIM A LONG TIME.

THERE'S A BUZZ AROUND--

IF HE BOMBS OUT, YOU DO, TOO.

TALK TO YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT. BYE-BYE.

YEAH. BYE.

YOU DON'T HAVE PHONES IN YOUR CARS IN ROMANIA?

WE DON'T HAVE PHONES IN OUR HOUSES.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I WRITE BOOKS.

OH, WHAT KIND OF BOOKS?

OH, MYSTERY NOVELS, THRILLERS.

OH.

YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSED.

NO. I READ ONLY SERIOUS BOOKS.

HMM.

WELL...

HERE WE ARE.

YOU DID NOT TELL ME YOU LIVE IN A HOTEL.

I DON'T. IT'S MY HOUSE.

SO, HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE HERE?

I LIVE ALONE.

THERE YOU ARE.

AH, YOU MUST BE VERY RICH.

OH, NOT REALLY.

I DO OK.

HERE WE ARE.

SO, THE BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.

CLOSET, EXTRA TOWEL, BED.

NO TELEPHONE IN THERE?

MY ROOM'S RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.

IN CASE YOU NEED ANYTHING...

LIKE EXTRA HANGERS, BLANKETS...

UNBRIDLED PASSION.

DESPITE THE DOZENS OF RAVISHING CREATURES

BEGGING TO BE PART OF HIS LIFE,

SWIFT HAD LIVED ALONE

SINCE HIS WIFE...

WAS INCINERATED SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE

WHEN THE MICROWAVE WENT BERSERK

DURING A THUNDERSTORM.

BUT NOW A STRANGER WAS LIVING WITH HIM,

AN EXOTIC, SENSUAL CREATURE

WHOSE OBVIOUS PASSION FOR SWIFT

WAS BARELY CONTAINED BENEATH A COOL FACADE.

AHEM.

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT?

THIS.

I CALL IT SOUP.

OH, SOAP.

SOUP.

CAN I, UH, ASK YOU A QUESTION?

UM, IT IS NOT PERSONAL, I HOPE.

NO.

NO.

SO, WHAT'S THE POPULATION OF ROMANIA?

UM...

22,830,000.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

AND ROMANIA'S 91,700 SQUARE MILES.

AS THE JAPANESE SERVANTS

UNOBTRUSIVELY CLEARED AWAY THE REMNANTS

OF SWIFT'S GOURMET MEAL,

HE AND THE GIRL EXCHANGED SPARKLING REPARTEE.

HIS TURN OF PHRASE CLEARLY HAD HER ENTRANCED.

YET, PERCEPTIVE AS ALWAYS,

SWIFT KNEW SHE NEEDED HIM,

THAT WITHOUT HIM,

SHE'D BE AS HELPLESS AS A LOST CHILD.

JESUS.

UM, I DO NOT LIKE BUGS.

WELL, NEITHER DO I,

BUT I USUALLY SCREAM AT THEM

AND HIT THEM WITH A COPY OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

UM, I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS JUST, UH...

INSTINCT?

YEAH. INSTINCT.

UH, I'M TIRED NOW.

I'M GOING TO GO TO BED.

BUT...

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

LIEUTENANT.

MR. BLACKWOOD.

HEY, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

YOU MAY NEED THAT FOR MORE THAN JUST BUGS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WAS NEARBY. I THOUGHT I'D CHECK IN.

THAT'S THOUGHTFUL OF YOU,

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

AH, THIS IS NICE, VERY CLASSY.

IT'S MY KIND OF HOUSE.

THANKS.

SOMETHING OCCURRED TO ME TODAY.

DID IT?

WHAT IF SHE'S GUILTY?

SHE'S INNOCENT.

FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUING,

LET'S SAY YOU'RE LYING

AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR

OR EVEN MEET HER UNTIL AFTER THE CRIME.

CONSIDER THE POSITION YOU'RE IN.

I'M A PERJURER.

NOT JUST THAT.

WHAT?

YOU'RE THE MYSTERY WRITER.

I THOUGHT YOU'D FIGURE THAT OUT.

WHILE YOU'RE ALIVE, THERE'S A CHANCE

YOU'D RESCIND YOUR PHONY ALIBI, SENDING HER TO JAIL,

AND SHE KNOWS THAT.

IF YOU DIE BEFORE RESCINDING IT,

IT WOULD STAND FOREVER.

HER FREEDOM WOULD BE PRACTICALLY GUARANTEED BY YOUR DEATH.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

SHE'S INNOCENT.

YEAH, WELL, I JUST THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU THAT.

GLAD YOU SHARED THAT.

DID YOU WANT TO TELL ME ANYTHING ELSE?

NOPE.

YOU MIND IF I BORROW THIS?

BE MY GUEST. I'M GOING TO BED.

ALONE?

YES, ALONE.

WEREN'T YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?

OH, I HAVE A HEADACHE.

WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD LOCK

ON YOUR BEDROOM DOOR.

SAFE DREAMS, PAL.

THE COP TURNED AND LEFT,

BUT HIS INSINUATIONS HUNG IN THE AIR

LIKE A BAD SMELL.

IT WAS ABSURD,

BUT COULD HE BE RIGHT?

WHAT IF SHE WAS A KILLER

AND HE WAS THE ONLY THING

STANDING IN THE WAY OF HER FREEDOM?

HE TRIED TO RELIEVE THE TENSION

WITH A STRENUOUS WORKOUT,

BUT EVEN THE 200 EXTRA ONE-ARM PUSH-UPS

DID NOTHING TO CALM HIM.

"DO ANY OF US," SWIFT WONDERED,

"REALLY KNOW THE PERSON WE FALL IN LOVE WITH?"

PHILIP?

SHIT.

I'M COMING.

JUST A SECOND.

JUST A SECOND. I'M COMING.

I'M COMING. JUST A SECOND.

I'M COMING.

HI.

UH, I WAS JUST EXERCISING.

HMM. IT LOOKS MORE LIKE YOU WERE MOVING FURNITURE.

THAT'S HOW I EXERCISE.

SOME PEOPLE RIDE BICYCLES.

SOME PEOPLE JOG.

I MOVE FURNITURE.

YOU'RE A VERY ODD MAN.

I TAKE IT THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

NO, BUT I WANTED TO THANK YOU

FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME.

OH.

THAT'S OK.

ANYTIME YOU'RE LOCKED UP, JUST...

THANK YOU.

DID YOU SLEEP WELL?

SURE. WHY NOT?

YOU?

MMM. OK.

YOU'RE READING ONE OF MY BOOKS.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRICTLY PROUST AND DOSTOEVSKY.

OH, I COULDN'T GO TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

I KNEW THIS WOULD HELP.

MURDER BECOMES HER--

IT'S MY PERSONAL FAVORITE.

WHAT'D YOU THINK?

OH, IT WAS, UM, HOW YOU SAY...

PRE--

PROFOUND?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT WAS PER-- WAS NOT PER--

IT'S PER...

PERCEPTIVE?

PERFECT.

WAIT, UM, UM... PERDICTABLE.

YEAH. PERDICTABLE. YEAH.

YOU MEAN, PREDICTABLE?

YEAH.

I'M GOING TO TOWN.

UM... I WILL GO WITH YOU.

YEAH?

PREDICTABLE?

SON OF A BITCH.

UH, COULD YOU PUSH THAT BUTTON AGAIN?

SHIT.

AAH!

OH, I'M--I'M SORRY.

UH, JUST SHUT THE ENGINE OFF.

NUH.

60% CHANCE OF RAIN--

* BOP BOP BA LOO MOP *

THE KEY! TURN THE KEY!

* AND SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO DO *

* I SAID A GIRL NAMED SUE *

* SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO DO *

* SHE RUN TO THE EAST... **

I MUST HAVE MOVED, UH...

GEARSHIFT.

YEAH.

THAT'S OK. ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

THE DESTRUCTION OF POMPEII, THE TITANIC.

IT IS YOUR FAULT ANYWAY.

WHY IS IT MY FAULT?

BECAUSE YOU GET ALL PANIC,

AND YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.

AVRAM.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

THEY DON'T MAKE THEM ANY SHARPER. SURGICAL STEEL.

GO AHEAD. FEEL THAT EDGE.

HMM?

YEAH. IT IS GOOD.

A KNIFE?

WHY WOULD SHE TELL HIM NOTHING?

SWIFT HAD TO FIND THE TRUTH FOR HIMSELF.

THAT NIGHT, HE CREPT WITH LEOPARD-LIKE STEALTH

TO WHERE HE COULD OBSERVE HER...

UNNOTICED.

WHAT STRANGE, EXOTIC RITUAL

WAS HE WATCHING?

HE TIGHTENED HIS GRIP ON THE PISTOL IN HIS HAND.

AAH!

FROM THE BEDROOM

OF THE OTHERWISE INNOCENT-LOOKING BUNGALOW,

SHE STARED COLDLY INTO THE DARKNESS

LIKE A PRIMEVAL PREDATOR SURVEYING HER PREY.

AND SLOWLY, IRREVERSIBLY...

"SHE CLOSED THE SHUTTERS."

SHE DID THAT?

OF COURSE NOT. IT'S FICTION.

I NEVER LIKED THIS SITUATION

BETWEEN YOU AND HER.

IT'S VERY DICEY.

YOU WANT ME TO QUIT?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

SO YOU LIKE IT.

VERY PROMISING.

OF COURSE,

THIS PRIEST STUFF IS TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE,

ONLY A CRETIN WOULD DO SOMETHING THAT STUPID,

BUT VERY INVENTIVE.

DAMN STUFF.

SO, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

I'M NOT SURE.

I THOUGHT YOU PLANNED OUT YOUR STORIES

BEFORE YOU STARTED WRITING.

USUALLY, BUT THIS ONE'S DIFFERENT.

I'M GOING DAY TO DAY ON THIS ONE.

I'M SORRY. WELL, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

THIS IS YOUR BEST WORK IN YEARS.

I KNOW.

ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR?

I DON'T KNOW. I HOPE SO.

WHERE IS SHE NOW?

I DON'T KNOW. OUT SOMEWHERE.

BUYING MORE WEAPONS, I SUPPOSE.

ATTENTION, K-MART SHOPPERS,

FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES,

THERE WILL BE A BLUE-LIGHT SPECIAL ON LIGHT BULBS.

BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY WITH K-MART QUALITY.

BYE, NINA.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

MY BARBER'S.

BUT YOUR FRIEND'S STILL HERE.

NO, HE'S GONE.

I CAN CUT YOUR HAIR.

I USED TO CUT MY FAMILY'S HAIR.

I'LL JUST SKIP IT.

I DON'T NEED A HAIRCUT.

LONG HAIR'S MAKING A COMEBACK.

NO, IT IS NOT. DON'T BE SILLY.

NOW, UH...

NOW...

WHERE ARE THE SCISSORS?

SCISSORS?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. SCISSORS?

THERE'S NO SCISSORS. THERE WERE,

BUT I LOANED THEM TO MY BROTHER.

AH, HERE THEY ARE.

YEAH.

THEY ARE SHARP ENOUGH, YOU THINK?

THEY LOOK VERY DULL TO ME.

BESIDES, MY HAIR IS VERY COARSE.

COME ON. SIT DOWN.

KEEP STILL, OR I'LL CUT YOU.

JUST A TRIM, NOTHING RADICAL.

PERFECT!

GOD, YOU'RE WONDERFUL AT THIS.

YOU'VE CUT HAIR PROFESSIONALLY.

GO ON, ADMIT IT.

I DIDN'T CUT ANYTHING.

IT'S NOT HOW MUCH YOU CUT,

IT'S WHAT YOU CUT.

MINIMALISM. IT'S...

JUST SIT DOWN.

YOU'RE SO NERVOUS.

NO, I'M RELAXED.

I JUST--I LOOK NERVOUS WHEN I'M RELAXED.

YOU MAKE FUN.

YOU HIDE YOUR FEELINGS IN, HOW DO YOU SAY--

SARCASM.

YEAH.

WHY DO YOU DO THAT?

NOW, MOVE TOWARD ME.

CLOSER, CLOSER, CLOSER.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

IT'S GREAT.

HMM. VERY GOOD.

YES. I'M FINISHED.

GOOD?

PERFECT.

HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?

HELLO.

HI.

HI.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

YES.

PHILIP...

WHY DID YOUR WIFE LEAVE YOU?

SHE SAID SHE HAD TO GROW.

TO GROW?

I ASSUMED THAT SHE WAS FULLY GROWN

WHEN I MARRIED HER.

IT WAS, UH, PAINFUL FOR YOU,

HER LEAVING.

YES.

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT BEING COMPLETELY FAIR ABOUT HER.

SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD A REASON FOR LEAVING.

WHAT?

SHE SAID SHE LEFT ME BECAUSE I WROTE.

BUT YOU ARE A WRITER.

YEAH.

WELL, THAT'S JUST IT.

IT WAS ALL VERY NICE AT FIRST.

IT WAS VERY ROMANTIC,

VERY MYSTERIOUS, MY BEING A WRITER,

BUT SHE SAID I NEVER REALLY DID ANYTHING,

THAT I WROTE ABOUT LIFE, BUT I NEVER LIVED IT.

THIS WOULD MAKE YOUR WIFE HAPPY.

WHAT WOULD?

ME.

YOU?

YEAH.

THIS-- WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,

THIS ALIBI YOU'VE GIVEN ME.

IT IS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT FROM YOUR BOOKS.

YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.

I DO NOT FIT IN YOUR WORLD.

NOT ENTIRELY, NO.

BUT YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING, YES?

YEAH, I GUESS I AM.

IT'S GOING TO RAIN.

SO? WE WILL DRY.

DOESN'T IT RAIN IN YOUR BOOKS?

I GUESS IT DOES.

OOPS.

[SINGING IN ROMANIAN]

[SINGING IN ROMANIAN]

* BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM **

THEY LET THEIR TOWELS DROP TO THE FLOOR.

HIS EYES EXPLORED EVERY INCH

OF HER GLISTENING, WET BODY.

HER EYES EXPLORED EVERY INCH OF HIS...

MUSCLED TORSO.

HE TOOK HER IN HIS ARMS.

HER BREASTS SQUASHED AGAINST HIM.

THEY KISSED.

SHE NEARLY PASSED OUT FROM THE RAPTURE,

BUT SWIFT, FAMILIAR WITH THIS REACTION,

GATHERED HER INTO HIS ARMS

AND CARRIED HER INTO HIS BEDROOM.

CAREFUL.

IT'S NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS.

YOU GOT TO ALLOW FOR WIND,

ARROW WEIGHT, TRAJECTORY...

AND DON'T SHOOT THAT DOG.

I THINK YOU'VE GRASPED THE PRINCIPLE.

DOGGIE.

HELLO?

HEY, BLACKWOOD. LIEUTENANT POLITO.

YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

YES, THANKS.

LISTEN, I READ YOUR BOOK.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOUR WORK IS A LITTLE PREDICTABLE.

PREDICTABLE?

YEAH. YOU SHOULD SPEND SOME TIME WITH ME.

GET SOME GRIT INTO IT.

I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT, LIEUTENANT.

HOW'S THE GIRL?

GET RID OF THOSE HEADACHES?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

WHAT?

I THINK YOU'RE JEALOUS.

IS THAT RIGHT?

YES.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

I'LL BET YOU'VE NEVER HAD A DECENT RELATIONSHIP.

AM I RIGHT?

SURE, SURE.

YOU ARE SUSPICIOUS OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THE RIGHT WOMAN WILL CHANGE ALL THAT.

SHE'LL MAKE YOU WANT TO SING.

EVER FEEL LIKE THAT?

NO. WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE?

AAH! AAH!

OK. ALL RIGHT.

I DIDN'T ASK FOR A RECITAL.

AAH! AAH!

LISTEN TO ME, BLACKWOOD.

I'D HAUL YOU IN FOR PERJURY IF I COULD.

YOUR ASS WOULD BE GRASS. UNDERSTAND?

BLACKWOOD? ARE YOU THERE?

YOU--AAH! YOU HAVE TO WORK

AT A RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S VERY EASY TO GET HURT.

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW. I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF.

MAYBE I AM A LITTLE JEALOUS OF YOU.

I MEAN, SHE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, YOU KNOW?

AAH! EXACTLY.

SO TELL ME, UM...

WHAT'S SHE LIKE?

AAH!

THAT GOOD, HUH?

OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW?

THIS IS NO TIME TO MAKE A CALL.

LIEUTENANT--AAH! GET DOWN! GET DOWN!

AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING HERE?

YES. DON'T PULL IT! AAH! AAH!

IT'S COMING! IT'S COMING!

AAH! THAT'S ENOUGH. LEAVE IT ALONE.

AAH!

DON'T TOUCH THE SHAFT! AAH!

YOU'RE PULLING TOO HARD.

SHE'S AN ANIMAL.

SHE'S AN ANIMAL. SHE'S TEARING HIM APART.

YOU'LL NEVER GET IT OUT.

WE'LL NEED HELP. AAH!

THE LUCKY PUTZ.

I'D BETTER CALL AN AMBULANCE.

I CAN GET YOU THERE FASTER.

WATCH THE TIP. AAH!

OH, OH, OH, OH.

REVERSE. YOU NEED REVERSE.

OPEN THE DOOR!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DROVE IN ROMANIA.

THIS IS HOW WE DRIVE IN ROMANIA.

OH, NO. LUCY!

THERE GOES MY SAFE DRIVER DISCOUNT.

WHAT DOES THIS WORD "YIELD" MEAN?

BRAKE. BRAKE!

IT WAS THE DOG.

IT JUMPED UP AT ME.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

WHAT WILL YOU TELL THE DOCTOR?

THAT I SHOT MYSELF.

WITH A BOW AND ARROW?

AAH! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LOADED.

WAIT!

THAT WAS THE HOSPITAL YOU JUST PASSED.

NO!

IT'S OK.

NO! AAH!

AAH!

WE ARE HERE.

THE COLD, STEEL SHAFT OF THE ARROW

PIERCED HIS... SINEWED SHOULDER.

THE PAIN WOULD HAVE BEEN UNBEARABLE

FOR THE AVERAGE MAN,

BUT SWIFT PULLED IT CLEANLY FROM THE WOUND.

HIS AMAZING INSTINCTS TOLD HIM

SOMETHING WAS WRONG

WITH HER STORY ABOUT THE DOG.

AS HE LIFTED 400-POUND WEIGHTS, HE WAS IN AGONY,

BUT HE BORE IT IN SILENCE.

AAH!

AAH!

YOU THINK SHE'S REALLY TRYING TO KILL YOU?

NO. YES. MAYBE.

OF COURSE NOT.

I DON'T KNOW. WHY DO YOU ASK?

EXCUSE ME.

BECAUSE IF SHE KILLS YOU, I'M NEXT.

SHE'S NOT GOING TO KILL ME.

OH?

JUST USING YOU AS TARGET PRACTICE?

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

THERE'S NO SUCH THINGS AS ACCIDENTS.

ONLY PLANS OTHER PEOPLE DON'T TELL YOU ABOUT.

I HOPE SHE'S A TORNADO BETWEEN THE SHEETS.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH HER YET.

YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH HER?

SORRY.

THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS?

I LOVE HER.

OH, RIGHT.

WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING THAT?

DOESN'T ANYBODY RECOGNIZE LOVE ANYMORE?

THE TENSIONS. THE PAIN.

UNCERTAINTY.

THE COLD SWEATS.

THE NAUSEOUS FEELINGS THAT SWELL

IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH.

WHERE HAS ROMANCE GONE TODAY?

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T BUY THIS WHOLE THING.

YOU'RE JEOPARDIZING A BEST-SELLER.

I THINK YOU SHOULD END IT.

SAM, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

EVEN IF I WANTED TO, I COULDN'T.

I NEED HER FOR THIS STORY.

WE'RE WRITING IT TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.

LIE. THAT'S WHAT WRITERS DO.

THAT WON'T RING TRUE.

EVER SINCE SHE MOVED IN, THE STORY JUST--

IT FLOWS.

SOMETIMES SHE SEEMS LIKE A LOST CHILD.

OTHER TIMES I THINK SHE'S HIDING SOMETHING.

I LOVE HER,

AND I'M TERRIFIED OF HER.

SOUNDS LIKE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT DRIVES OUR CHARACTERS,

WHAT DRIVES US ALL,

IS LUST.

LUST. WE'RE SLAVES TO ITS POWER.

WE LET IT RUN OUR LIVES.

WELL, DON'T KID YOURSELVES.

WE'RE ALL ITS WILLING VICTIMS.

ITS RAW, MOLTEN LASCIVIOUSNESS

MOTIVATES ALL OF US.

UH...

UH, AHEM, ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

PEOPLE SAY THAT YOU'VE BASED THE TOUGH

BUT SUAVE AND DEBONAIR CHARACTER PETER SWIFT

ON YOURSELF. IS THAT TRUE?

WELL, IT...

YES, THAT'S TRUE.

I'M SORRY.

HIS LECTURE ON LASER WEAPONS

TO THE ASSEMBLED ANTI-TERRORISM EXPERTS

WAS, AS EXPECTED, A GREAT SUCCESS.

BUT THE GIRL?

WHY WAS SHE THERE?

WAS SHE KGB? CIA

THERE WAS NO DENYING HER PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES.

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES.

BUT SWIFT BRUSHED THESE THOUGHTS ASIDE

AS HE WENT ABOUT HIS DAILY ROUTINE

OF RIGHTING WRONGS.

AND YET... EVEN NOW...

WAS HE BEING FURTIVELY FOLLOWED?

FINISHED.

YEAH?

THIS, UM... HOW DO YOU SAY, GEN

GENRE?

YEAH. WELL... HAS POSSIBILITIES.

I'LL LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.

GOOD.

YOUR, UH, DETECTIVE, UH, PETER SWIFT,

HE NEVER MAKES LOVE

TO THE WOMEN THAT HE HELPS?

HE'S GAY?

NO.

IT'S A CODE HE LIVES BY.

OH. WHY?

BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

OR BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT.

IT'S THE SAME THING.

WHAT I WANT IS HOW IT IS.

ARE YOU ANGRY AT ME?

PHILIP, WHAT IS IT?

WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THAT'S AN EASY ENOUGH QUESTION. WHO ARE YOU?

I WISH I COULD TELL YOU.

THEN DO IT.

NO.

AND WHY NOT?

BE--IT--

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

THANK YOU. THAT MAKES ME FEEL

A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT BETTER.

I WILL GO.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.

I JUST WANT YOU TO ANSWER A QUESTION OF MINE,

ONE QUESTION OF MINE.

I WANT TO KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

DID YOU KILL THAT MAN?

HER WEAPON'S GLARE REFLECTED IN HIS EYE,

BUT HE HAD FACED DEATH BEFORE.

HE WAITED FOR HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

SWIFT COOLLY STOOD HIS GROUND,

ALL BUT DARING HER TO COME AND GET HIM.

AAH!

AHEM. UH, YOU WERE EXERCISING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

FOR YOU.

NINA...

MY TENDER FEMININITY ACHES TO FEEL THE THRUSTING

OF YOUR FIRM MALENESS.

I'M SORRY?

CAN YOU NOT FEEL THE TWIN POINTS

OF MY TWO LOVE GLOBES

CRUSHED AGAINST YOUR CHEST?

WHAT?

MY MOIST LOINS

HUNGER TO HAVE YOU FIRMLY INSIDE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

WORDS OF LOVE.

OH. WHOSE WORDS OF LOVE?

YOURS, FROM YOUR MAGAZINE STORIES.

WHAT MAGAZINE?

PLAYBOY?

YOU READ THAT?

IS THAT NOT WHAT YOU AMERICANS SAY WHEN YOU...

HA HA.

WHAT IS SO FUNNY?

YOU WERE LAUGHING AT ME.

I WASN'T.

NINA, I WASN'T LAUGHING AT YOU.

OH, HELL.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MEMORIZE ANYTHING.

IT'LL COME OUT OF YOU NATURALLY

IN ANY LANGUAGE.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

MY MOIST LOINS HUNGER TO...

SWIFT POURED HIMSELF A BOURBON

AND WATCHED FROM THE PATIO

AS SHE DIVED INTO THE AZURE MEDITERRANEAN.

THE TENSION WAS FINALLY BROKEN.

FEAR HAD BEEN REPLACED BY PASSION.

BUT MORE THAN THAT, HE WAS ASSURED

THIS WAS NO MURDERESS.

THIS WAS THE BEST SEX HE EVER HAD.

HE NEVER FELT HAPPIER OR SAFER.

LIEUTENANT, FIRE CHIEF SAYS

COULD HAVE BEEN A GAS MAIN OR A BOMB.

OH, YEAH?

OH, MY GOD.

IS HE ALL RIGHT?

HE'S STABLE. JUST SHOCKED.

I'M FINE.

MOST ACCIDENTS HAPPEN NEAR THE HOUSE.

SO DO MOST MURDERS.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

REALLY? AND WHERE WERE YOU WHEN IT HAPPENED?

I WAS, UH, JUST INSIDE THE DOOR.

AND HER?

SHE WAS IN THE POOL.

HOW CONVENIENT.

DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD.

YOU'RE VERY KIND.

YES, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

WE'RE DELIGHTED YOU'RE STAYING WITH US.

COME AND HAVE SOME, DEAR.

YOU'RE VERY UNDERWEIGHT.

TONY, GET AWAY FROM THAT OLD BARN!

PHIL, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING, METEORITES?

OH, UH, SORRY.

I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR BURGERS WELL-DONE.

YOU KNOW, PHIL, NINA'S A MARVELOUS GIRL.

SHE'S SO UNUSUAL.

THAT ACCENT, IS THAT FOR REAL?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.

WE KNOW YOU'RE AN INDEPENDENT GUY

AND YOU PRIDE YOURSELF

ON BEING LIKE YOUR DETECTIVE CHARACTER,

BUT SOMETHING'S BOTHERING YOU.

WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

WE'RE YOUR FAMILY. WE CARE.

WE WANT YOU TO OPEN UP TO US.

BREAK THAT FACADE AND LET WHAT YOU'RE FEELING OUT.

TALK TO US, PHIL.

WHY KEEP SECRETS FROM YOUR BROTHER?

I'M AN EMOTIONAL NOMAD.

WHEN SUSAN LEFT ME, IT KILLED ME.

I ASKED MYSELF--

AM I LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TOO PERFECT?

THEN ALONG COMES NINA.

SHE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE NO ONE HAS IN A LONG TIME--

SALAD NEEDS MORE SALT.

IT HAS SALT. I THINK IT NEEDS DILL.

IN ONE WAY, I LOVE HER,

BUT THEN AGAIN, I LOVED SUSAN,

AND ONE DAY THIS STRANGER LEFT ME.

TRY PAPRIKA.

PARSLEY.

STILL I HAD DOUBTS,

BUT WHO DOESN'T DOUBT THE PERSON THEY LOVE?

THERE'S ALWAYS A PART OF SOMEONE YOU NEVER KNOW.

PARSLEY MAKES ERECTIONS LAST LONGER.

HOW IS IT?

I'LL LET YOU KNOW TONIGHT.

OH, I'M SORRY, PHIL.

YOU WERE SAYING THERE'S SOMEONE IN YOUR HOUSE

YOU DIDN'T KNOW

MOM, DAD, TONY'S STUCK ON THE ROOF!

OH, MY GOD.

OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.

TONY, STAY STILL!

DON'T MOVE!

GET A LADDER.

I LENT IT TO THE SINCLAIRS.

HONEY, JUST STAY CALM.

DADDY'S GOING TO GET YOU DOWN.

I AM CALM.

I'LL GET HIM.

DON'T YOU DARE MOVE.

THAT ROPE'S TOO SHORT.

WE NEED SOMETHING. HERE'S A BARREL.

HOW DID HE GET UP THERE?

HE USED THE HOLE IN THE BARN AND CLIMBED--

ALL RIGHT. SHUT UP!

TONY, STAY STILL.

GRAB THIS, PHIL.

WHAT IS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?

IF HE FALLS, HE FALLS.

DON'T LOOK DOWN.

WILL YOU TWO HURRY?

COMING, TONY!

HOLD ON, SON.

I GOT IT.

THERE YOU GO.

OH, NO!

AAH!

CLOWNS.

PHIL, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SORRY, BUDDY.

THAT WAS GREAT, GARY. LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

HERE COMES WONDER WOMAN.

WHAT?

I COULD DO THAT.

SWIFT REALIZED THE CHILD'S ONLY CHANCE

LAY IN HIS HANDS.

UNCONCERNED FOR HIS OWN SAFETY,

SWIFT SCALED THE TOWERING WALL

OF THE EMBASSY.

BRACING HIMSELF

AGAINST THE POWERFUL ALPINE WINDS,

HE CALMLY WALKED THE CREST OF THE ROOF,

AT LEAST 300 FEET ABOVE THE COURTYARD.

OH! WATCH OUT!

THE TILE BROKE IN HIS GRASP,

AND THE STARTLED SCREAMS OF THE WOMEN WATCHING

ROSE LIKE PRAYERS FROM BELOW.

ALL RIGHT. NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU DOWN.

YOU PUT THIS LEG OVER ON THIS SIDE.

GOOD.

FINALLY, SWIFT REACHED THE TERRIFIED CHILD

AND SWUNG HIM THROUGH THE BAY WINDOW

OF THE EMBASSY

INTO HIS MOTHER'S OUTSTRETCHED

AND ETERNALLY GRATEFUL ARMS.

SMART ASS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY SHE DID BACK IN ROMANIA?

RECEPTIONIST?

MY FRIEND IN IMMIGRATION

LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT THE GIRL.

HER FAMILY WAS HERE IN AMERICA LAST YEAR.

WHY?

DON'T KNOW. HER FILE WAS WITHDRAWN.

SHIT.

WELL, I'M STILL WORKING ON IT.

THERE'S A D.A. OWES ME A FAVOR.

THANKS, ROSE.

BYE.

ATUNCI LA INMORMINATARE.

DA. INMORMINATARE.

INMORMINATARE.

INMORMINATARE GRIMALDI.

SWIFT, AN EXPERT LINGUIST, RECOGNIZED THE WORD

FROM THE TIME HE SPENT BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN.

IT WAS THE ROMANIAN WORD FOR...

FUNERAL.

GREG IS SO BUSY.

OH, YOU POOR THING.

I'LL BRING IT UP TO THE BOARD MONDAY.

WE AGREED. NO SHOP TALK TONIGHT.

SO WHERE'S THE BULGARIAN BEAUTY I'VE HEARD ABOUT?

ROMANIAN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU WON'T BE AT DINNER?

IT'S A ROMANIAN CUSTOM.

WHAT IS?

ON ST. STANISLAW DAY,

THE YOUNGEST WOMAN IN THE HOUSE,

USUALLY A VIRGIN, PREPARES A MEAL

AND THEN SHE LEAVES.

FOR HOW LONG?

UNTIL AFTER.

YOU MUST KEEP ONE EMPTY SEAT FOR ME.

THAT'S A PERFECTLY LOVELY CUSTOM.

I NEVER HEARD OF IT.

WHAT DID ST. STANISLAW DO?

HE WAS MARTYRED.

NATURALLY. BY WHOM?

UM, BY HERETICS.

YOU SEE, THEY LIVED

IN THE FOREST OF PAIN.

ST. STANISLAW WENT TO CONVERT THEM,

BUT THEY CAPTURED HIM, CUT HIS TONGUE OUT,

HUNG HIM NAKED BY HIS TESTICLES,

AND BURNED HIM ALIVE.

CHARMING. SORT OF A ROMANIAN TRIATHLON.

AH, I THINK IT IS READY NOW.

GREAT. CAN'T WAIT TO TASTE IT.

BAD LUCK.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING DURING DINNER?

FOR A WALK.

ALL ALONE?

NO. THE WOODS WILL BE FULL

OF ROMANIAN VIRGINS SWAPPING RECIPES.

REMEMBER TO TOAST TO MY HEALTH WHILE I'M GONE.

I LOVE YOU.

SEE YOU LATER.

BEESWAX, GET AWAY FROM THERE!

SORRY, BEESWAX.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU CAN HAVE NINA'S SHARE.

MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE ABSENT CHEF.

ABSOLUTELY.

TO NINA.

HEAR, HEAR.

TO THE CHEF. OK.

STILL NERVOUS, PHIL?

NO, NO.

LOOK AT HIM. HE'S A WRECK.

YOU WANT MY ADVICE? MARRY HER.

SHE'S A LITTLE TOO YOUNG FOR HIM.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU'RE MARRYING, DO YOU?

PEOPLE CHANGE.

THIS ISN'T THE WOMAN I MARRIED

15 YEARS AGO.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

THAT WOMAN LIVES ON CENTRAL PARK WEST.

YOU MARRIED ME 12 YEARS AGO.

WHATEVER.

LAURA.

AND THIS ARROW COMES RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR

AND SKEWERS ME IN THE ASS.

IT'S ALL COMICAL NOW.

I WAS CONVINCED SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

ON PURPOSE?

HERE'S THE BEST PART.

I THOUGHT SHE TRIED TO BLOW UP MY HOUSE.

HE THOUGHT SHE TRIED TO BLOW UP THE HOUSE.

AM I AN IDIOT?

YOU'RE AN IDIOT. YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

HOW COULD I SUSPECT HER?

WHO WANTS MORE CASSEROLE?

OH!

I DO.

THANK YOU.

MORE. MORE.

I'LL GET IT.

HONEY, YOU SHOULDN'T.

IT WON'T KILL ME.

GREG, DID GARY TELL YOU

WHAT NINA DID YESTERDAY?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BEESWAX, TOO MUCH CASSEROLE?

BEESWAX?

BEESWAX?

BEESWAX, COME ON.

I THINK THEY'RE AN ADORABLE COUPLE.

SHE HAS A SURFACE BEAUTY,

BUT THAT'S NO BASIS FOR A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT IS?

LOVE.

RIGHT.

SHE POISONED US!

NO, REALLY.

I'M SERIOUS!

THE CASSEROLE.

THE CAT.

THE CAT!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S TRUE!

HOW COULD YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH A MURDERER?

IT'S NOT EASY TO MEET GIRLS.

MY BEAUTIFUL BEESWAX.

THERE'S GOT TO BE AN ANTIDOTE.

NICE GOING, PHIL.

DON'T WORRY.

GIVE ME THAT CHEESECAKE!

WHAT ABOUT YOUR DIET?

SCREW MY DIET.

ST. STANISLAW. I KNEW SHE MADE IT UP.

HERE, TRY THE ANTIDOTE FOR LIQUID DRAIN OPENER.

NO. YOU TRY IT.

LET'S GET THIS STUFF ANALYZED.

I'D RATHER DIE.

WE BETTER THROW UP.

THROW UP, COME ON!

LET'S GO TO THE BALCONY.

HURRY!

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

THEY'LL PUMP OUR STOMACHS IN THE HOSPITAL.

DO YOU KNOW THE WAY THERE?

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW IT.

SAM, WE NEVER SAID GOODBYE TO THE CHILDREN.

CAREFUL, DON'T SPILL IT.

CALM DOWN, EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE FINE.

SWEETHEARTS, IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

I DON'T WANT TO UPSET YOU,

BUT YOU MAY NEVER SEE US AGAIN.

I HAVE A CONFESSION.

I'VE BEEN LYING ABOUT MY AGE FOR YEARS.

WE KNOW.

WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST MURDER YOU?

SAY SOMETHING SHE'LL REMEMBER.

THANKS, GARY.

I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH OF A FATHER, DAPHNE,

I KNOW,

BUT THERE'S ONE BIT OF ADVICE

THAT I REGARD AS INVALUABLE.

DAD, MY BOYFRIEND'S ON THE OTHER LINE.

I SHOULD GET MY OWN PARKING SPACE HERE.

COME ON, HURRY.

I'M SUING YOU, BLACKWOOD.

I ALWAYS KNEW SHE WAS TROUBLE.

RELAX, STOMACH PUMPING DOESN'T HURT.

PHILIP?

UM, CONSUELA, WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

HE WALKED TO HER AND TOOK HER IN HIS ARMS,

HER BREASTS PRESSED FIRMLY AGAINST HIM.

THAT WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

I'VE NEVER HAD ANYTHING THAT BIG

STUCK DOWN MY THROAT BEFORE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE HEARD.

THE TOUGH HEART OF PETER SWIFT

TURNED TO MOLTEN LAVA WHEN HE SAW HER.

SHE HAD AN ANGEL'S FACE. FRAGILE.

HER BREATH WAS TANTALIZING. AROUSING,

BUT AS SHE CUT HIS HAIR,

SWIFT FELT THE COLD SCISSORS BRUSH HIS NECK.

SWIFT HAD LIVED ALONE

SINCE HIS WIFE WAS INCINERATED

WHEN THE MICROWAVE WENT BERSERK.

NOW A STRANGER LIVED WITH HIM.

AN EXOTIC, SENSUAL CREATURE.

WHAT IF THE COP WAS RIGHT?

WHAT IF SHE WAS A MURDERER?

DO ANY OF US KNOW

THE PERSON WE FALL IN LOVE WITH?

WAS THIS WOMAN HIS LOVER OR MURDERER?

YOU'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN, BLACKWOOD.

GARY, I WANT TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING.

NOT NOW, HENRY. WE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR CAT

IS ALWAYS COMING OVER?

WELL, DONNA FOUND IT IN OUR BASEMENT, DEAD.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN AROUND THE FUSE BOX

AND GOTTEN ELECTROCUTED.

DONNA WANTED TO TELL YOU BEFORE,

BUT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO WALK INTO YOUR PARTY

CARRYING A DEAD CAT,

SO SHE PUT IT INSIDE YOUR BACK DOOR.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

WE'LL GET YOU ANOTHER CAT.

NINA.

YOU THINK I'M A MURDERER.

I DON'T THINK THAT.

IT'S IN YOUR BOOK!

I'M WILLING TO SEE THE OTHER SIDE.

DID YOU GIVE ME THIS ALIBI

TO GET IDEAS FOR YOUR BOOK?

I DID IT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WERE INNOCENT

AND I LOVE YOU.

NO. YOU'RE AFRAID OF ME.

WELL, FEAR IS PART OF ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

I'M GOING.

WHERE?

OH, WAIT!

DON'T SAY IT-- YOU CAN'T TELL ME.

I CANNOT.

NATURALLY. YOU CAN'T GO!

I'M NOT A CHARACTER IN YOUR BOOK.

YOU CANNOT MAKE ME STAY.

YOU DIDN'T INVENT ME.

YOU DON'T WRITE MY WORDS.

I DO AS I CHOOSE.

NOW I CHOOSE TO GO. GOODBYE.

HER FAMILY IS STILL HERE.

IN AMERICA?

THEY DISAPPEARED LAST MONTH.

IT'S MY FRIEND'S GUESS

THAT THEY WANT TO DEFECT

AND THE ROMANIANS WANT TO STOP THEM.

WHY DOESN'T OUR STATE DEPARTMENT HELP?

THEY DON'T LIKE TO GET INVOLVED.

IT'S A TOUCHY AREA.

WHAT ARE HER PARENTS, DIPLOMATS?

NO. READY FOR THIS?

THEY'RE CIRCUS PERFORMERS.

THEY'RE ACROBATS.

FAMOUS.

NATIONAL TREASURES IN ROMANIA.

IF THE GOVERNMENT LOSES THEM,

IT'S BAD P.R. FOR THE COMRADES.

WHY WOULDN'T NINA TELL ME THAT?

IN HER COUNTRY, YOU GROW UP NOT TRUSTING ANYONE.

HALF THE COUNTRY INFORMS ON THE OTHER HALF.

THAT PHRASE YOU WROTE--

UH...

IM--

UH, IN--

INMORMIN--

IT MEANS FUNERAL.

THAT'S RIGHT. THE FUNERAL OF GRIMALDI.

BUT WHAT OR WHO IS GRIMALDI?

A FAMOUS CLOWN.

EVERY YEAR CLOWNS GET TOGETHER

ON THE DAY HE DIED.

THAT'S WHERE SHE'LL MEET HER PARENTS.

AMERICAN CLOWNS HAVE BEEN HIDING THEM

SINCE THEY DECIDED TO DEFECT.

LET'S TELL THE COPS.

THEY'LL NAIL US FOR PERJURY.

I'M GOING TO PRISON.

I'LL BECOME A SEX SLAVE

TO SOME DRUG KINGPIN.

YOU WON'T BECOME ANYBODY'S SEX SLAVE.

WHAT WILL WE DO?

WE'LL HELP HER OURSELVES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OURSELVES?

PHIL, THIS ISN'T THE BOLSHOI BALLET, YOU KNOW.

THESE PEOPLE ARE KGB!

LOOK, I TOLD YOU,

IF I DON'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS,

I DON'T HAVE AN ENDING FOR THE BOOK.

WELL, STEAL IT!

PLAGIARIZE.

GET IN.

PHIL, STOP AND THINK ABOUT THIS.

EVERYBODY'S SAYING MY WORK IS DETACHED,

THAT I LIVE IN AN IVORY TOWER.

I'M COMING DOWN FROM THAT TOWER RIGHT NOW.

I'M GOING, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

FRANKLY, WHAT I LIKE MOST ABOUT YOUR BOOKS

IS THEY'RE PREDICTABLE.

THAT'S A VERY COMFORTING QUALITY. READERS LOVE IT.

SWIFT, NOW ATTIRED IN HIS CUSTOMARY TUXEDO

AND ACCOMPANIED BY HIS AFRICAN BODYGUARD,

EVADED THE CLOYING PAPARAZZI

AND SLIPPED INTO THE ELEGANT BALLROOM,

WHERE HE RUBBED ELBOWS

WITH THE CREAM OF SOCIETY.

PHILIP!

NINA.

I'M WITH MY PARENTS.

WE ARE GOING TO DEFECT.

NINA, I'M SORRY.

OH.

THAT MAN.

WHAT MAN?

THAT CLOWN.

COME, QUICK.

COMANESCU.

KGB.

COME ON.

MAMA, STOP. THEY'LL BE WAITING

AT THE MAIN GATE.

THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT?

FREEZE, BOZO!

AMATEUR.

LOOK, HE'S ONE OF THEM.

[SPEAKING ROMANIAN]

GO!

RAPIDE, RAPIDE!

RAPIDE!

YOU, TOO. GO ON.

NO, NO.

IF YOU STAY, THEN I STAY.

[SPEAKING ROMANIAN]

[SPEAKING ROMANIAN]

WHAT DID HE SAY?

I MUST GO WITH HIM.

SORRY, PAL. THE LADY'S WITH ME.

I GO WITH HIM.

NO! WHAT'S ROMANIAN FOR "GET LOST, DICKFACE"?

WHAT DICKFACE?

SWIFT KNEW HE HAD A FORMIDABLE OPPONENT,

BUT THE DETECTIVE'S MASTERY

OF KARATE, JUDO, TAE KWON DO, AND MACRAME,

COMBINED WITH HIS GUTSY KNACK FOR STREET FIGHTING,

MADE HIM MORE THAN A MATCH FOR HIS ADVERSARY.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE!

SWIFT PLAYED HIM LIKE A CAT

TOYING WITH A DOOMED MOUSE.

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.

[SPEAKING ROMANIAN]

[SPEAKING ROMANIAN]

YOU GUYS NEED AN AGENT?

[SPEAKING ROMANIAN]

GET YOUR HANDS UP!

HANDS UP!

HIS OPPONENT HAD LANDED A FEW LUCKY PUNCHES.

SWIFT DECIDED THE TIME HAD COME

TO STOP FOOLING AROUND.

AND 1...

2...

3! YOU'RE OUT!

THE WINNER!

I AM DIPLOMAT,

THE ROMANIAN SOCIALIST REPUBLIC.

YES, SIR. THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION.

WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?

ONE OVER THERE.

JESUS.

YOU OK?

I'M FINE.

NINA!

NINA!

PRETTY REALISTIC, HUH?

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

WHERE'S THE THIRD ONE?

RIGHT HERE.

PIECE OF CAKE.

UH, HELLO.

HOW'D YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS?

THE FEDS WERE WORKING ON THIS DEFECTION DEAL.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

TO US.

I HEARD IT'S ALL APPROVED.

YOU STILL HAVE SOME FORMALITIES

AT THE STATE DEPARTMENT.

I'LL TAKE YOU THERE.

YOU'RE IN BAD SHAPE.

I NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE.

GET IN THE CAR. I'LL DRIVE.

LISTEN, YOU THINK YOU CAN MANAGE THE REST

WITHOUT ME, LIEUTENANT?

I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

THAT NIGHT, SWIFT RETURNED

TO HIS LAVISHLY REFURBISHED MANHATTAN PENTHOUSE,

WHERE HIS PERSONAL CODE

OF NEVER FALLING IN LOVE WITH A CLIENT OR SUSPECT

FINALLY CAME TO BE BROKEN.

THE DOUBTS, THE FEARS ARE GONE AT LAST,

AND YET THERE WAS ONE THING

THE DETECTIVE HAD TO KNOW.

NINA.

HMM?

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO KNOW.

THE GUY WHO WAS MURDERED...

OH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THE SCISSORS.

WELL, YOU SEE--

NO. THEY--THEY CAUGHT MY FAMILY,

UH, WHEN WE WERE ABOUT TO DEFECT.

AND THIS STUDENT, A ROMANIAN,

HE CAME OVER TO HELP US,

AND, UH, THEY STARTED TO FIGHT.

AND MY FAMILY, THEY MANAGED TO ESCAPE,

BUT THE...

THE MAN THAT YOU FIGHTED WITH...

MMM.

HE KILLED A STUDENT.

MMM.

I KNEW YOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I KNEW IT

FROM THE FIRST MOMENT I SAW YOU.

AAH!

GOT IT.

YOU'RE SO NERVOUS.

WHY?

BUGS DO THAT TO ME.

HE HELD HER IN HIS ARMS

AND KISSED HER LONG AND HARD.

HE UNDERSTOOD THIS WOMAN COMPLETELY NOW.

NOT A PART OF HER EXISTED THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW,

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, WHAT SHE DIDN'T WANT HIM TO KNOW.

* YOUR EYELIDS ARE GETTIN' HEAVY *

* HARD TO LIFT *

* YOUR MIND BEGINS TO WANDER *

* THINGS START TO DRIFT *

* YOUR ARMS ARE GETTIN' HEAVY *

* HARD TO LIFT *

* YOU SINK DOWN A LITTLE DEEPER *

* YOU'RE FEELING WONDERFUL *

* FEELING WONDERFUL *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN' *

* FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* YOU STARE ACROSS THE HARBOR *

* LIGHTS ALONG THE BAY *

* YOUR ARMS HAVE GOT SO HEAVY NOW *

* THEY'RE JUST GETTIN' IN YOUR WAY *

* LOOK *

* NOW YOU WALKIN' IN THE HOLY LAND *

* YEAH, THAT'S YOU THERE *

* WALKIN' WITH THE CANE *

* YOU ASK, "WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS" *

* WELL, YOU HAVEN'T DONE A THING *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN' FALLIN' *

* FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* YOU STARE ACROSS THE HARBOR *

* LIGHTS ALONG THE BAY *

* YOUR ARMS HAVE GOT SO HEAVY NOW *

* THEY'RE JUST GETTIN' IN YOUR WAY *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN' *

* FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN' *

* FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN' *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN' *

* BABY, YOU'RE FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN', FALLIN' *

* FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* FALLIN' IN LOVE *

* FALLIN' IN LOVE **

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS., INC.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1989 WARNER BROS., INC.