Original subtitles

The Prehistoric Era

The prehistoric people are very carefree.

We will try to know them 20 thousand years later,

retracing our footsteps, the reflection of our memories.

And we will not find much.

Some insignificant vestiges,

from which we reconstruct the prehistoric people.

But we reconstruct them like a forgotten past,

because these people disappeared little by little into exile.

They had a certain deference, though, which concealed a prehistoric charm.

They are shrewd people, and they quickly learned an essential fact.

There are two types of living beings -

on one hand, the men; on the other hand, the women.

This discovery gave them great satisfaction,

and also occasion for a seasonal passtime.

Each time the sun arrives at a certain point on the horizon, they play.

They play "catch me if you can".

They reunite according to the rules in a secluded place.

In a spirit of understanding and cooperation, they live communally -

the men, the women, and the children.

They couple using a summary technique, without useless complications.

The life of the tribe is peaceful.

It would have stayed that way, had it not been for - Brit.

A very agreeable girl, but also very troubled.

One has the impression that Brit knows things which the others ignore.

But what things are they? And where did she learn them?

Two questions without an answer.

For now, in any case, it is evident Brit does not play games.

She refuses the communal rules.

Brit is the New Wave of the Stone Age.

In these parts, strange birds lay bizarre eggs.

When one finds the color of their plumage,

also the yolks of the eggs are red, blue...

sometimes the yolk is even yellow.

With these eggs, Brit makes curious omelettes.

Funny girl, was it her fault the pre- historic people lost their innocence?

Rak! Rak!

Rak, where are you?

Here, I'm here.

You're late again, Brit, as usual.

But it's not my fault. I was running and there were...

There they are.

All right, leave her alone.

Hippies, eh?

They put that on for you?

No, I put it on them.

Well done.

Good-bye, friends. We'll call you when we need you.

Look, they're fighting over you. And now, to work.

They've got a point. It's the mating season and you should decide.

Choose two or three and go to it.

I don't want to make love.

You're wrong, it's very relaxing.

That depends.

I bet when you're not in the mood it can also be awfully tiring.

And then the children, afterwards...

Take the pose.

Why children afterwards?

Nothing, not my idea.

What idea?

Children.

Take it easy.

But what does it have to do with children?

When two people go like this.

How, like this?

Why do you believe this nonsense? Everyone knows where children come from.

It's the sun, and the thunder, the dawn overhead...

It's the rain... It's a fact, ask any woman.

"This infant came in the morning from the mountains."

"I was sleeping like every night, I didn't feel anything, then..."

You're becoming very superstitious.

You could make an infant without us.

It's you. It's you.

Take it easy, don't move. There.

What made you think of these things?

Because I watch the sheep.

The sheep?

They too couple...

After only five moons, there are always lambs. I've seen it.

No, Brit.

The sheep have made you crazy.

It's fine to watch the sheep, but I don't act like them.

And why?

And why? Because I'm not made like a sheep! Maybe you hadn't noticed.

Go on, ask a sheep to paint your portrait, and he couldn't do it!

Sleep is the creator of the sun.

And the sheep too.

Brit, you'll have a bad end.

Well, I'm not in the mood for working. Come.

You want to couple with me? We can get that out of the way.

No.

Someday maybe, but not now.

Well then, come for a walk and I'll teach you something.

Come on.

Look how nice they are.

For them, to seriously entertain these ideas would be a terrible blow.

Imagine the blunder of repeating it to anyone.

Even if it's true?

Even so. And besides, it's wrong. Look.

Their time is short, watch out.

Why, will they kill me?

Worse, they'll believe you.

It's terrible, the men would want to watch the children they've made,

and also the women who gave them.

And then?

And then, let them be.

We've always said the children belong to the tribe,

the men to all the women, and the women to all the men.

Understand? Your idea would be the end of the world.

Look.

Brit!

Now that I've explained it, will you couple with me?

It's the man from the sea, it's him! Good-bye!

Brit, you're leaving me?

If you don't tell anyone what you said, I'll give you a gorgeous present!

Come one, come all! I come laden with treasure!

But I won't be here long. Hurry, take your pick!

Choose and buy! Lovely treasures, practically for the asking!

This superb necklace, yours for two chickens. Who is this?

Your necklace...

Hello.

You must be Brit?

What do you want?

A comb, or a necklace?

Genuine ostrich teeth, very rare. Well, what do you want?

You. Come with me.

When?

Right away.

No, tomorrow.

I tell you, in my humble way,

you know I'm very popular.

You can't just move in like that, you'll have to reserve quite a while in advance.

I'm very sorry.

Brit!

All right, here's a nice hat...

He doesn't want me, he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me!

He'll go with anyone else, but not with me!

Tomorrow, he said.

Can you imagine saying that to me?

Well, while you wait for tomorrow, come couple with me.

No, no, no, he's the one that I want!

You promised me a present. Give me the man from the sea.

I want him right away, right away, right away!

I want to beat him, to bite him in the nose!

I want him to crawl and ask forgiveness!

Oh, the pig.

I love him!

Love him? What's that mean?

Love is... I don't know.

Rak, why'd he do that to me?

Am I that ugly?

You're as ugly and dirty as if I'd re-created...

Re-created...

Light!

Great saber-tooth bladder, there's none at all in these modern caves. Wait.

Close your eyes. No, open them.

There, hold it.

That's it, I've got it!

Oh, what an idea. Brit, I said I'd give you a present!

Even if you haven't earned it.

Believe me.

Come here.

Sit down here.

You're pretty? I'm going to make you beautiful!

Don't worry about a thing, my sweet.

Just stay there. Inspire me.

Yellow.

Blue.

You know, Brit, this business...

Wait. That's it.

This business about the children, and the sheep...

I've thought it over.

I'm sure of it, the more we speak of it.

Stay like that. Think no more about this outcome.

Your beauty should be your only concern.

To be lovely and please men.

And never to say no. Close your eyes.

Your sheep will never recognize you! Neither will the man from the sea!

Sheep couple because they must, but we do it for pleasure.

You understand, it changes everything.

You want to tonight? Answer.

I already said no.

You were in quite a rush awhile ago.

I changed my mind.

Listen, Brit.

Listen, what's happening is serious!

Everybody knows they can count on my discretion,

but no matter how careful you are, some things get around.

And all those who hear the story will say,

that the girls of your tribe...

refuse the men without a reason!

People will say you are immoral!

What can you do?

You want me to sing?

You want me to dance?

You're not very strong.

Me?

Who is the strongest man here?

Him!

Watch.

Well?

Anything else you can do?

No. Another time.

When you return, I'll think it over.

But, Brit! What do you want?

I'm rich. I'm very rich.

When I finish trading tomorrow, I'll be richer than you can imagine.

One necklace...

Two necklaces...

Three necklaces...

You want me to dance for you?

What's gotten into you? You're even crazier than before.

Were you a success tonight?

Tell me, where did you swipe all that?

You robbed someone?

An out-of-towner? The man from the sea!

What happened? Tell me.

Brit, tell me.

He gave me everything - everything!

Why? What for?

To spend the night with me!

Spend the night with you?

Rak, the business about the children and the sheep...

You were right.

It is very different.

And that's another discovery. This one is certain.

Roman Nights

Tonight I sing of her whose supernatural beauty

sets aflutter the hearts of all the poets.

Tonight I sing the praise of her who, as virtuous as Juno,

as wise as Minerva,

as dazzling as Venus rising from the waves, is the toast of the Roman Empire.

Yes, I sing of the spouse of our venerated Caesar.

Appearing beautiful even among the beautiful,

appearing, you who are the pride of our city,

face to face with Camilla, Lucretia,

Cornelia, Calpurnia,

Pompeiia, Julia...

I'm not finished yet.

Are you going to be long?

The list of beauties is long, Caesar. Shall I go on?

No. The prostitu-... The dancers!

The dancers, quickly!

Poet, of all your poems I prefer above all...

the beauty of her who inspires them.

Once there was good food at the Emperor's -

now the tradition's dying, it's more and more frugal,

and when I leave the palace, I'm still hungry.

This is the first Empress to watch dancers with a professional eye.

They say that when Caesar met her,

she too was only a simple ballerina.

She exaggerates her strange ways.

She amuses the Emperor very much with her exotic accent.

The Emperor is having treasury difficulties, it would seem.

He categorically refuses to give us money.

On the contrary, it's he who asks it from us.

The gods are no longer with us.

Is this ballet again?

Oh yes, tonight it's a great talent, she's suberb.

And you call that an orchestra?

With Oriental dances, Caesar, I thought a small orchestra would be more intimate.

And the drummers?

They promised to come as soon as they arrived, Caesar.

There are more candied rose petals, I want my candied rose petals!

I'll send for them right away.

And now, bring the candied rose petals. Be quick!

The petals are all gone.

Gone, how? We had plenty of them.

And the rose petals?

Eaten by a hungry slave.

If I catch sight of this man, I'll kill him!

I'm sorry, but the last three nights we served the guests...

Be quiet!

I don't want to hear it! Not another word!

Remember there's only one person who counts here, and that's me!

Caesar.

Yes, Domitilla?

I'd like to retire.

Yes, if you like. Give me a little kiss.

Don't be too long.

Everybody out!

Get out, everyone, quickly! I can feel a whim coming on! My time is precious!

No, no, you stay.

That means you too, I said everybody out!

Have you eaten?

You're enjoying yourself?

Poets are always hungry, true?

Would you like some fruit from my garden? My reserve is just in.

Where did it go? Oh, they ate it.

Come, come.

There we are. Eat.

Listen to them outside.

Dancing in the streets.

The people are enjoying themselves.

From the first day I set foot in this palace, I've been bored.

Tomorrow it'll be four months since I left the legions in Africa.

I suppose a war would amuse you?

But all this peace...

You're right. Little by little the Romans are losing their virility.

Until Augustus, the circus games sometimes drew up to 10,000 fighters,

and the slaves fought frightful combats.

They knew how to amuse themselves back then.

Here it's all about love.

There's never any fantasy.

I lie beside the Empress, and I need inspiration for it.

I'm so bored.

All your imagination needs is a little titillation.

To know once again the thrill of desire.

You know there are, in such cases,

certain precious beauties who know their trade...

special envoys of certain things!

You know one?

Oh yes, you can find them here and there.

At the Greek's, there's an extraordinary choice. The stars of their profession.

Expensive too, of course,

but the ambience is elegant, intellectual, you can talk about art and poetry.

Poetry's a wonderful idea. I'll go tell the Empress.

Well?

Well, what?

Caesar, have you nothing to say?

Me, no.

No, I'm sorry, but first I must work, work with my poet.

On a speech that I'm to deliver tomorrow.

Tomorrow's quite a day.

I wish you'd concentrate on making tonight quite a night.

The Empire, the Empire...

Oh, you and your Empire.

Yes, I admit I'm a workhorse.

What jewelry! Where did you get those?

They cost a fortune.

Oh no, it was a fantastic sale.

You can't imagine the price I paid.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

But now I must get back to work.

Please don't wait up for me, I'm sure I'll be getting in late.

Give me a kiss?

During the three days of Saturnalia, the most total license is everywhere.

People parade through the streets,

the boys dress as girls and the girls dress as boys - watch out, Caesar...

Shh, it's not Caesar! You told me this.

But where is the Greek's? I'm starting to get worked up.

Oh, it's there, not here!

Ah, there it is!

Yes, watch out for mistakes.

With all the disguises, I was mistaken myself last night.

I saw a pretty girl, you see, and I said to myself:

that's a boy. But not at all, I confirmed that it was a girl!

Isn't it funny?

Excuse me, Caesar, I respect your desire to remain anonymous.

I'll present you to the Greek - she's a woman of the world, you'll see -

But her house?

Exceptional, they discuss philosophy and Roman literature there every night.

I don't know what they'll think of us coming so late, people may say

we are indecent, but use certain manners and they'll approve...

My reign will be categorized as rash, and the Romans as renegades.

Is your mistress in this evening?

She's always in for you and your friends.

Enter, my dear Tiberus.

I like it at first sight.

Menippus, why are you so late tonight?

If you think I've been enjoying myself...

You must have been at...

My dear Menippus, you grow more seductive every day.

I understand why the girls are crazy about you.

We're in very attractive company.

I must say they look quite elegant. And too well-behaved.

They do now, but just wait a while.

I'm counting on you.

I'm not going to waste another Roman night.

I'm all prickly with desire. All prickly.

Ah, good. Is this one of your friends, Menippus?

Yes, a friend who's passing through.

A military man who comes to stretch out and relax.

I'm pleased to present Madame Minerva.

You have considerate friends.

You are at least a general?

Yes.

My dear Menippus, to have brought me so distinguished a friend!

I will see you receive all possible consideration.

If you like, I can give him a marvellous companion, dazzling.

Incredible body.

Where is she?

Patience, I'll take care of everything.

Elvira, take him to the Oriental.

Recite some poetry while I'm gone, in the mistress's honor.

Good luck, General.

Come, follow me.

Now the senator wants a Negress.

He can't get enough.

It's in there.

Yes, in there.

Please don't forget our pension fund.

It's all I've got.

Come, don't be afraid, enter.

Are you the Oriental?

What's your name?

My name is Domitilla, and I'm the Empress!

What are you doing here?

Pig! Traitor! Degenerate sex maniac!

Quiet, everyone will hear.

To think how you tricked me.

"Darling, I've got to go, tomorrow I must address the Empire" - what Empire!

And the whole time, you were planning to...

They can hear you...

Let them hear, that's exactly what I want!

Domitilla...

When I think that I believed you, and you could so grossly abuse my faith.

I don't understand, I don't understand.

You don't understand, I'll make you understand.

I'll cry out in the forum, Caesar Flavius is a pig! He is the dishonor of Rome!

Will you be quiet? I don't want our dirty laundry washed in public.

There's too much to wash. When I think how my poor mother warned me

if I took up with a dirty old Emperor, it would be a disaster!

Now darling, please don't get upset, and I'll give you Cleopatra's necklace.

You mean, the copy that isn't gold.

I'll give you the cash box.

There's nothing in it. And don't try to bribe me, I'm not for sale like the others.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

And when you're angry, you're even more beautiful.

You know I'm beautiful, and you go rooting in brothels.

Oh, when you're like this, you're no longer a woman,

you're a tigress. Let me be, I'm a hunter, I will tame you!

What are you doing?

I have many things to say to you.

I must say at home you're not so talkative.

Tonight, I swear it, I could talk all night.

And besides, I've paid.

Then why wait?

Forgive me, forgive me, my sweet.

Domitilla, I'm speechless.

How handsome you are.

And strong. You'll see, strong.

Drusilla! Drusilla!

When the Oriental leaves, give her this.

For the Oriental, right.

And don't let the general see.

Come! Come!

Happy?

Of course. Just a bit tired.

Whatever gave you the idea of dressing up as an Oriental?

I wanted to please you. I wanted to save our love.

Rediscover the violence of our passion. It was the only way.

But how did you know I'd be at the Greeks?

Everyone in Rome knows, it's common knowledge.

I may have gone to Sabulla's two or three times, that's all.

Five maybe, but at the Greek's it was my first visit, I swear.

You're still lying.

Domitilla, it's the truth.

I've never been to the Greek's before. But I promise I'll go back often.

Go back?

With you.

Because it was very stimulating at the Greek's.

Oh, my darling.

The bed is much better than ours, it's bouncier.

Caesar!

Yes, it's bouncier. I'll buy it.

Domitilla, lie down next to me.

I'm so tired.

Of course you are, let me help you with that.

What a marvellous adventure.

For three pieces of gold, I found our love intact.

Well then...

Miss Empress!

Well, the profession certainly has a future.

Who'll buy my fish? A fine carp? Down with the aristocrats!

Hello, brotherhood, citizen Mimi.

How much?

Two sous.

Too expensive.

Mimi!

You again?

Please, Mimi.

You haven't any money?

I've got two sous.

All right, two sous' worth you get.

Be quick about it.

"Say thank-you"

Charity, citizen.

Loafer.

You old miser!

Miser?

Rat eater, bundle of rags. Garbage!

He's a disgrace to the Republic.

Hey, where's the Mimi girl?

Wait. She's upstairs.

Hey! Hey!

Mimi! Mimi!

Stop your screaming, Toinette, I'm over here.

What is it?

Well, there's a man brought a bed for you.

Oh, they bring their own now!

This is a present from citizen Arthur,

secretary of the civil committee for reclassifying domestic manpower.

Oh, how sweet.

What, me?

No, the bed.

You're pretty spoiled, aren't you? It's marvellous.

What, me?

Not you, the bed.

You always manage to find the good ones. Not me.

Just watch your language and keep your mind on business, that's the secret.

Hey, get going, you girls would prefer to be in it than under it.

Well run upstairs, my friend.

They send you things. You've got nice clients, huh?

Yes, but they're not very distinguished, they're uncouth.

I've always dreamt of a gentleman.

All I get is bailiffs, jailers, guards, public executioners, and under-commissioners

of the committee of reclassifying my art. But the nobility never come to see me.

Well, citizen, I leave now. Or shall I take it in kind?

Oh, you girls! You cheer me up.

Well, I better stop fooling around, I've got someone coming.

What are you doing there?

My name's Philibert.

So what?

I'm looking for Mademoiselle Mimi. I hope that she could be you.

Well, yes. Why?

A friend gave me your address.

He wasn't lying, you're adorable.

I followed you up the stairs. You were enchanting. Like a fairy-tale.

Come this way.

Be quiet, wait for me over there.

So there you are. Do you like it?

Is it gold?

You don't suppose I could lift it if it was, do you?

Oh well, put it here.

Oh Mimi, you pig!

Joseph.

A magistrate should be master of his feelings, and you behave like a beast.

I can't help myself. I can't help it, I'm boiling!

Well, when can...

When can we get married?

How was work?

Oh, quite good. I rounded up a dozen or so.

A count, three dukes, a marquise, some of their sympathizers...

Enough for us to put on a show.

Look!

They've just beheaded another.

And my cash.

That's all you ever think of. You wanted to be lodged in a nice district, I did it.

A window overlooking the guillotine, you got it. Are you still making it there?

As long as they cut off heads.

That window is steady income. We can get married soon.

Why not? I give everything and get nothing in return.

I don't count anymore?

I don't like that a commissar of the Republic should sleep with a girl he may marry,

the way he might sleep with a dancer.

Marriage is a sacrament.

I must think it over.

All right, I'll leave you alone.

All right. Shall I bring you anything?

A piece of furniture?

Fine, fine.

Well then, I'll see you next week.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

What wouldn't you do?

Oh, you know what I mean.

If you can't be good, you must be very careful.

Ah, the innocent.

Did you come here for the window or for me?

For you, for you.

I don't have many musicians in my clientele,

they're businessmen mostly, people with money.

Money! You see what I mean?

It's kind of you to come, but I have an appointment with a Corsican captain.

A young man with a future, we may get married. So we must hurry.

I hope he's not early. Let's see, with him that'll make two, and then three,

and that'll make four... But what's he doing?

Let's see, four, four, how much does that make? Four times four is sixteen...

Say!

Were you told the way I prefer to settle?

Always gold, never paper.

I don't believe in bank notes, do you?

We were born to love each other and look what happens.

The crowd all watching, the guards, their pikes,

the guillotine, the basket.

Hey, I'm not being paid to listen to philosophy, but to make love.

And I told you I'm expecting someone, so we have to be quick.

The executioner!

I know him, just a man like the others.

Not for me, madam.

Right. I understand.

You did come for the window and not for me.

And the window is more expensive, my young friend. It's five Louis.

Come on, pay up.

Just a minute. Just one minute, madame.

At his age.

Getting excited about bloodshed. You should be ashamed.

And over there is all the happiness in the world, even chocolate.

You're a violinist?

You big liar!

You're carrying a weapon! You're plotting something.

Come on, I don't want any trouble.

Give me one minute, madame.

The executioner is almost ready.

Oh well, you're complicated.

I understand, for the old men it gets them in condition.

I almost got myself strangled once.

Life's interesting.

I could never do two things at once, myself. Look here, I can talk if I want to.

Now they're cutting off his shirt. They're removing the wig.

Now the crucifix.

I can't believe God approves all that.

But he's going to be ill! My vinegar...

He's dead. I saw it!

What's it all about?

My uncle, the marquis!

What do you mean?

My uncle, Aguirron de Montalbert, my only family!

There's no one left!

One of those dirty...

I mean, one of those aristocrats?

My dear, when I arrived here, I was poor, and I wasn't able to do you the honor.

But now I can buy you anything I fancy, Mademoiselle Mimi.

Permit me to offer you anything you desire.

Well, four Louis. The normal price.

Four? Forty, my King Louis. Whatever you desire!

Oh, I understand. The sword.

And you didn't say anything, Monsieur Marquis.

Oh, but I ought to have guessed. Your air of dignity.

And no family.

I must go.

What? You're going just like that?

Thank you, Mimi. I will never forget our first meeting.

Thank you for the window.

Adieu.

I'm busy, it's true. But stay awhile.

But I haven't a sou on me.

That's stupid, isn't it?

Yes, it's stupid.

Very stupid indeed. And I inherit...

I inherit an estate, with woods,

with farms, and with kennels.

Will you go hunting?

The early morning departure, with hounds barking and horns blowing.

The domestics all filling the coaches with provisions.

The uniforms, like a brilliant fantasy in the strange gray light of dawn.

It's almost like I was there.

And why not?

You would take me?

With joy, Mademoiselle Mimi!

But not like this, I'll need new clothes.

But of course.

I'll place on your fair head, a tri-cornered velvet hat.

On your shoulders, a cape of ermine.

I will wrap you in silk.

No, we'll do that later.

Your boots.

Your boots are made of antelope. The finest from Sweden.

The pack is waiting.

You're the belle of the hunt.

Do you think they'll accept me?

They'll do what I tell them to.

Know something? This morning I awoke and saw a white pigeon below my window.

I said to myself, it'll be a lucky day.

Are you superstitious too?

You know, I am. I admit it. It's stupid.

One time, for example...

you can explain it any way you like,

I woke up, I put on my clothes and my shoes, and I made a mistake.

I put my right foot in my left shoe and I thought, it's a bad sign, but that's it, it's done.

Well believe it or not, but my feet were aching all day.

Could you be quiet for a bit?

Do you believe in my pigeon this morning?

Yes, my dearest.

To go hunting, be dressed all over in silk, all pretty, all pretty, it's tight-fitting...

Philibert de Montalbert, it sounds like a trumpet!

And lots of servants. And scandals, scandals all over the place.

Can you be quiet for a few minutes?

No, when I'm happy I just have to talk.

And to think I believed you were a musician! I make mistakes like that.

So you weren't friends with your uncle?

My precious, my adorable...

Well, we can't all be friends.

Oh, what are you doing, Monsieur Marquis?

Only an aristocrat could think of a trick like that.

In my position I should know them all. Yet I learn something every day.

Keep quiet, keep quiet.

What's the matter, aren't you interested?

Mimi...

Right. Now I have to go.

Surely you've got a minute.

No, I don't want to meet your captain. Especially if he's Corsican.

I must rush.

To the notary?

The notary? Oh yes, of course, the notary.

It's marvellous, an inheritance. Like that, and one's rich.

Right. See you tomorrow.

Oh yes, tomorrow. How would you like me to be dressed?

I don't know, just naked with a bow around your neck.

You're a real gentleman.

Someone knocked.

I told you someone knocked.

Oh, he's always knocking things around.

All right. Anyway, I think I'll send him off with a flea in his ear!

I'd rather not meet him.

Right. Then I won't open it.

Oh, no. We don't want trouble.

Especially since, to begin with, we'll need a bit of ready cash.

Well yes, the notary, the papers, getting them signed...

How much time will it take?

Oh, I'd be guessing. Maybe months. No, this is really not the moment to...

to give up business, especially since when I come to live with you,

we'll have to be able to face the future.

Oh, I understand.

Here. Come on. Take the back door.

And I'll do my best. You're right, this is no time to stop working.

Madame de Montalbert, I'll go straight to the notary!

I love it when you speak like that.

Don't worry, I'll make him pay for you, the mean old skinflint, you wait and see.

Now I'm all yours.

Yes, all right, but anyway, try to be nice.

Madam, I'm not used to waiting.

Hey there, Napoleon, who do you think you are?

I know exactly who I am. Come on, quick, quick, we must be quick.

Quick, quick, quick. The only word he can pronounce.

Wait, I have to return the clothes.

Don't tell me it worked?

Incredible!

Without paying a sou?

Where would I get the money?

So, do you think I might try, too? Maybe I could go at once.

Antoine, let me tell you something. Pay him.

They all dream about turning into honest women.

But you can't expect them to buy the same story, an uncle who's been guillotined.

Oh, well then I'll have to find something else.

Exactly, Antoine.

You see woman can be clever,

but man has the ideas!

The Gay Nineties

Disgusting, it is. Married men taking out their own wives.

Yes, it's a pity.

Pity? It's unfair competition. This business is dead.

Not altogether. Look over there.

Where?

Behind you.

Don't look now, if he thinks you're eager it'll bring the price down.

He's by himself on the first level.

Look at lover boy. Not for me, thanks. Besides, you saw him first.

It's your back he's looking at.

You sure it's me?

It's you, all right.

He is following me with his eyes.

What did I tell you?

He's lucky business has been bad.

Looks like he's been doing all right.

Look at that stick pin!

Here comes the waiter. Let's see how he tips.

Watch this. Oh no, can he spare it?

Oh well, I'll keep my eyes closed, and think about the Emperor.

Why think about him?

His picture is on the hundred-crown note.

Allow me.

Better watch the door.

Quite right, I was looking at you, you're very...

You didn't hold the door!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Do come in, please.

This is quite a place you have here.

Actually, all this belongs to a friend of mine.

I thought so. Too bad.

Why do you say that?

Are you disappointed that I brought you here?

No, of course not. But isn't there a bed in here?

A bed? Of course. Let me show you.

This is more like it. What a lovely cage for birds. I mean two lovebirds.

Why don't you get undressed? You're not going to stay like that?

Yes, I mean no.

Want me to turn the light off?

Oh, no.

All right, you want it on.

You want light or you don't want light.

I think maybe be a little of both, half and half...

Whatever you say. Just a matter of taste.

There. How's that?

I'm not so sure.

Oh, you want it complicated.

What do you want? Moonlight, a storm, a night in springtime?

You're acting as if this were the first time you've ever...

Well, yes and no, that is to say,

to use a musical metaphor,

I am what you'd call a pianist who's just a little out of practice.

And you want to practice your music again tonight.

You're so charming, so elegant...

Well then, let's go make some chamber music.

Well get undressed first.

Think about the Emperor.

What did you say?

I said I love the Emperor waltz.

Oh, I see, the Emperor waltz.

I think we better turn off the lights.

And the notes, how will we be able to read them in the dark?

Oh, I know that one by heart.

Hey, Mr. Pianist! Wake up!

Don't you have a present for me? Hey!

Oh, musicians. A couple notes and the concert's all over.

Franz Joseph.

Baron Edouard von Hannover. President-Director, Bank of Hannover.

The banker?

Thank you.

After you.

What am I doing? I'm forgetting a detail.

An important detail.

Here.

But why? What are you doing?

I'm sorry, it's not enough.

All right, my dear, how much do I owe you?

That's what I paid last year in Innsbruck.

What? You want to pay me?

Listen, I thought that...

You thought... you thought...

You didn't understand that I had fallen for you?

But what are you saying? It's not possible. It's incredible.

When you told me I couldn't believe my ears.

Will you forgive me? I don't even know your name.

Nini.

Edouard.

Listen, you must forgive me, Nini.

How could you treat me like a prostitute?

Oh, my poor dear Nini, I...

I've only fallen for your trap twice!

My trap?

Last night, when you came to the Femina...

I took advantage? Me?

With your eyes.

My eyes?

And then last night, with your hands.

With my hands?

Your caressing hands. Did you know you have beautiful hands?

Didn't anyone ever tell you that before?

No, I don't think so, not often.

Hands with feeling.

You were right about the light, it's always better in the dark.

I play only the classical style.

Oh, but to play classical, one must be a virtuoso.

I'm not a virtuoso, I didn't do anything special last night.

My god! What must it be like if you really did try something special?

I can't help wondering myself.

And a sense of humor on top of that.

It's so nice you appreciate that. I believe we should look for the bright side.

Emile, I'm madly in love with you.

But, it's not Emile, it's Edouard.

You're really quite a man. But a real man.

How many other women do you do this to?

Oh, please...

No, don't lie, you must always tell me the truth, Edouard. Promise me.

Even if it might be embarrassing for you.

What do you mean? Embarrassing how?

Well now, for instance, it's getting awfully late.

Don't you have a job or someplace to go to?

Oh, of course I've got a place to go to.

Why don't you admit it to me, Edouard? You don't have a real job.

Job, perhaps not. However, I do have a certain situation.

Why are we stopping?

Is this where you live?

Oh no, it's simply the bank. I have my account there.

Oh, so do I.

That's funny, you have the same bank.

I'll bet there's more in my account than there is in yours.

Edouard, you can tell me the truth. How do you really make your living?

It's from your affairs with women, isn't it?

Well, I'm no different.

Here. Put this in your account.

Now just take it.

A man like you has better things to do than work. He should love.

Now go along, go.

See you tomorrow?

No, that's too long, let's make it tonight.

Sorry to be late, but I won't apologize. Good morning, Ludwig.

Well, good morning, brother.

This is the first time in 30 years you've arrived late at the office.

A memorable occasion.

Na-na, no-no, ne-ne, Nini...

What's that?

I said na-na, no-no, ne-ne, Nini...

Are you all right?

You seem to be talking in circles this morning.

That may be true.

Is it because your picture's in all the papers?

My picture?

And what do they say? That I'm happy as the first cuckoo in springtime?

Please, come here and look at this.

Listen: "Edouard, Baron von Hannover will officially open the convention

"of the World Banking Society at a banquet to be held in the hotel Adlon.

"The staff of the hotel has been preparing for weeks. "

When will your speech be ready?

Please Ludwig, go in my place. I'm not the type who works. I'm made for love.

Are you sure you're not sick?

My dear brother, don't worry about me. I've never felt as good as I do today.

Did you ever hear that I have beautiful hands?

No, never.

You don't see those things. She saw it from the first.

She? I'm beginning to understand.

She happens to be in love with me.

She's in love with the family fortune, you mean.

It isn't that. All she needed was one look at my hands, and oop!

Edouard, it's much too serious for anyone in our position...

She fell in love with me. Incredible, but true.

Other women love me for my money.

Nini, she knows only

my eyes, my hands, and my sense of humor.

Where did you meet her?

At the Femina.

Oh, I see, a professional.

I no longer listen to flatterers.

So far, how much did you shell out?

Nothing, my friend. And I'll tell you another thing.

Not only have I not given her money, but she's given it to me. There.

She told me to put it in my account. And I may have more tomorrow.

My brother is a procurer.

It's not given to everybody, to be a procurer.

I never thought I'd live to see this, my god.

Nini, at last. I thought you'd lost the way.

Oh no, I found it.

Not much danger of that.

How nice of you to get these flowers!

Yes, they are pretty.

You probably spent your very last cent on them.

Well, I hope you like them.

I'm delighted!

I don't understand! What is it?

There's your photo - Edouard, Baron von Hannover, the big international banker!

Let me explain...

Don't try, it's useless! I understand it very well!

What a big joke! You amuse yourself by mocking a poor girl!

You humiliate me with your charm, and then humiliate me with your luxury!

Nini, I beg of you, let me explain.

Leave me alone with my sorrow.

Nini, I assure you...

Look at you, the rich banker who took advantage of a poor girl!

And me, I loved you and even gave you my money!

But I beg of you, Nini...

You had your fun. But I quit!

Good-bye, sir, it's all over between us!

No, don't run away. Nini, I love you. Stay, Nini, please stay.

No, no, and no!

Moral: Virtue is always rewarded.

Today

On October 23rd, at 11 in the morning,

going right along where I'd noticed it before,

I saw the same car,

occupied by the same two women.

It caught up to me and slowed down,

rolling slowly at my pace.

She smiled at me, I smiled at her,

the one who wasn't driving, but you can guess that.

She began by complimenting my dog,

and she asked me his name.

She told me she liked dachshunds very much, that she'd like to have one.

She asked me where I'd bought him, etc.

After some banalities like this, she took the animal in her lap,

she began to pet it, and the car abruptly pulled away.

It went about 20 meters,

and it stopped.

This was evidently a game. I played along.

I ran after the car, which would pull away just as I caught up.

The game continued for about 100 meters.

Stop, I beg you. I can't play games at my age.

Would you like to play one for your age?

What kind of game?

We'll show you, if you'd like to get in.

I think I know it.

You couldn't possibly know this one.

And where does one play this game?

In a car, or a park, or anywhere.

You can play two, or three.

We're associates. I'm French, she's Russian. We're fashionable.

Does she have an accent?

No, but she speaks Russian.

That may be useful, you never know.

Yes, if you say so.

And you work better together.

Yes, we compliment each other. She's the beauty, I'm the brains.

The brains?

She comes up with the ideas.

Yes, we leave the ideas to me.

Because I have none.

But I have them all the time, I don't know what to do with them!

Isn't this a good time?

That trick with the dog, was that yours?

Oh yes.

It wasn't a good idea.

Why not?

Because I'm a police inspector.

Shit. And to think I wanted a dachshund.

Not a dachshund, it's a police dog.

Vladimir Leskov - Attorney

Oh, it's you, Nadia! It's you, my sweet!

Vladimir, I've brought you a client!

Thank you, to see you makes me so happy...

A friend of mine, who's got into some trouble with her car.

You're doing well?

A client, Vladimir! You don't see them every day!

Very well...

My god! Your furniture!

My furniture...

You have no more furniture!

They're here. I ate them. They were good.

You haven't eaten your living room, at least!

Rest assured.

I won't eat that, it upsets my stomach.

So much the better.

Go quick, put on a tie, she's coming!

Yes, but... who's coming?

The client!

Is there a lawyer here? Vladimir... Vladimir Leskov?

Mister Leskov. On the 6th floor.

Is there an elevator?

No, no elevator.

I can't believe it.

Not even someone to open the door!

Shh, come in.

Just who is this lawyer?

He's an excellent lawyer.

Oh, is he Russian?

Naturalized French.

Does he have any teeth?

Why wouldn't he have any teeth?

If he's like Russian doctors...

Don't worry, he has teeth.

Oh, this furniture!

Nadia, you'll never make me believe that a good lawyer...

And on top of it all, it breaks as you can see!

If I can't trust this sofa, how can I trust this man?

Excuse me, but you'll have to tell him that I didn't come.

Wait a moment.

Not another second!

Catherine, I order to stay!

Catherine, I'm not playing games with you!

Apparently. I'm leaving.

What happened here, Dushka?

It's broken.

Yes, and it's not my doing...

If you would see your old friend more often,

I'd be rid of this horror long ago.

Get up,

and sit on this ottoman, which is also neglected, but more sturdy.

So where do you sing now, Dushka? Still at the Ch�telet?

But that's the past, Vladimir.

Don't tell me you no longer sing.

Fine, I'll sing.

Oh, thank you, Dushka.

Let's see, let's see...

Oh, what a voice. You should have been a great singer.

Bravo! Oh, my Dushka!

She has such a great talent, she should have been famous, and rich!

All you Russians are artistes. You're a wonderful pianist, for a lawyer.

My friend Catherine has come to consult you.

Oh, if you've come to see the lawyer,

we'll go into my chambers, while they're still here.

Lucky for us!

Sit down.

Well.

My friend is an artiste.

You're a singer too?

No, I'm a dancer.

Classical?

No, very modern. And I'm her manager.

Dushka, with that voice?

That's the way it is when you're old and wear glasses.

She always forgets her glasses, leaves them everywhere.

She drove the car without them one day, I don't know how we survived.

Yes, you see I'm her chauffeur as well.

With that voice!

I sing while I drive!

Have we come to talk about your voice?

Don't get mad, Catherine, he's my only admirer. Because he's deaf.

Because he's deaf, on top of it all.

It could be awkward if someone were outside waiting, but nobody ever is.

My friend has a problem with her car.

Will you let me explain?

You can tell him everything, but watch your language.

No four letter words.

Do you know what an Amazon is?

A woman who rides a horse.

Well, let's see what the dictionary has to say.

You've surely met Amazons like me on the Champs-Elys�es.

I never get up there, I only go out to the police court by the Metro.

And I never met any Amazons in the Metro yet, nor any horses.

I'm an Amazon without a horse!

Ah! Amazon: woman whose character is masculine, and warlike.

That's what I am. A woman living alone, without men, and fending for myself.

Oh, I see.

Eta prostitutka.

You needn't speak Russian, it's the same word.

Amazon is a nicer one, even if you haven't got a horse.

But I have seven horses. I go in my car, I receive my friends in my car.

But it has its problems. Vice squad at night and traffic police by day,

each one worse than the other.

Traffic cops especially. They took away my license, so she's driving my car.

I know a young girl, a Russian, she drives a taxi.

She makes more money than driving a taxi.

And while I'm driving, I can sing.

If you sing, Nadia, you should be forgiven.

The old hypocrite, what do lawyers know about morals?

He's not moralizing.

Catherine has trouble with her car. The police impounded it last Saturday.

He's sleeping.

No, he's listening.

But I tell you, he's sleeping.

Vladimir? Vladimir!

I won't forget your lawyer.

He must be sick.

Vladimir. Vladimir, it's Nadia!

It's you, Dushka?

I don't feel very well. I don't feel well at all.

Please forgive me.

I'll call my doctor.

Russian, naturally.

Can't you see the phone's been cut!

No, you're not going to leave me alone with him!

Madam, there's somebody ill, I want to call a doctor.

There's a pharmacy down below, ask them.

You know what I'm thinking?

About Russia.

I bet it wouldn't be so bad for us, an ambulance.

An ambulance? But what for?

To work in!

Are you being funny?

I am perfectly serious.

Oh, but really. Look what you're thinking of.

You have no shame.

As long as the old gentleman is smiling.

Well, sir, does this tempt you?

Really?

But I don't need an ambulance.

I'm feeling fine.

Not exactly. It's an ambulance for men who are feeling fine.

I don't understand.

Come on, so comfortable.

Yes, comfortable...

Yes, I like the bed.

Like a hotel.

You have no shame! You've never seen a sick man!

What impudence! Why not a hearse?

It's just as ignoble, ladies! I do not give you my compliments.

I hope it does not end happily for you!

You see, crazy as you are?

It's all been disinfected, I hope.

It's brand new.

And may one see the patient?

Why, certainly.

A rather appetizing young patient.

Isn't she?

She looks pretty healthy to me.

You might be interested in diagnosing her symptoms.

There's a little bed, just like a hotel.

Yes, but a very short visit. I only have til midnight.

We can drop you at your house if you like.

Why not, if we have a car?

No, thank you, don't bother.

This reminds me of one little bordello, decorated in a charming way.

One room was an imitation sleeping car, we made love on the bunks.

Apparently trains give you ideas.

Yes, maybe, the train is unexpected, just the opposite of the routine.

Well you see, your ambulance reminds me of my sleeping car.

You like the unexpected, don't you?

Yes, but only til midnight.

In an ambulance?

They won't get away with that bit again. Let's go!

Take the highway.

Hello, TN-7? TN-7, this is 751.

Reporting a suspicious vehicle. An ambulance.

Yes, an ambulance!

Speed up, will you!

The car's too new.

Go faster!

We're doing 80!

You're an ambulance, you have the right to speed, you've got a life to save!

Three lives.

You wanted the unexpected, you've got it.

There's a road turning off to Versailles, so we have a chance.

No, you haven't got a chance.

It's a pity, because you're not only pretty but you have charming ideas.

She's the one with the ideas, alas.

The ambulance was her idea. But it's the last, I swear!

There should be a clinic in Versailles, or a hospital.

I know several, but you'll get caught before we get there.

This was our maiden voyage. You didn't bring us much luck, did you?

Just a minute. Get undressed.

Undress.

It's not the moment.

Get undressed, hurry.

Do as you're told. Keep quiet.

Help me, can't you?

Oh, my shoes.

Excuse us, I'm taking a patient to the clinic. It's urgent.

You're a doctor?

I'm her doctor.

You were going much too fast.

We don't have a minute to lose.

I can well believe that.

Doctor.

OK, go on.

Wonderful, you were wonderful!

What a stroke of luck to pick up a pill peddler!

You have plenty of experience telling women to undress, and they obey!

That's the way you get them all!

There's some whiskey in the first aid cabinet.

You're organized.

Pour me a strong one, I can use it.

I'm an emergency case!

The distinguished director Jean-Luc Godard will now

show us how The Oldest Profession In The World will continue

in the space age with his sketch.

Percantage of radioactivity normal. Over.

Soviet color.

Arrival of the "France Inter" super-jet,

coming from Orbital Station 12.

Leaving in 1300 seconds

to Orbital Station 23

with connections to Galaxies 2 and 7.

The plane will land at Station Point-C-0.

Passengers in transit

will kindly conform to the terrestial behavior pattern.

Over. Music of...

Soviet color.

Affirmative.

Two galactic passengers...

Style.

Male.

Female.

Type.

Athletic.

Seller.

Uniform.

Soviet-American Army.

Christian Dior.

Percentage of radioactivity in faces identical to normal.

Over.

Music 234.

Percentage of radioctivity still normal.

Over.

European color, Soviet color.

Chinese color.

Soviet color.

Chinese color.

European color.

Percentage of radioctivity still normal.

Over.

European color.

Traveller 14 and Flunkey 1204

regularly advance along corridor 77

towards department 310.

Percentage of radioactivity normal. Over.

Music 37.

European color.

Percentage of radioctivity still normal.

European color.

Percentage of radioctivity still normal.

Over.

Soviet color.

All the honor to your ego, Mr. Dimitrius.

Here's the subject of our conversation.

Thank... you.

To see you again!

To see you again, commissar.

Percentage of radioctivity normal.

Chinese color.

Percentage of radioctivity still normal.

Chinese color.

Percentage of radioactivity in faces identical to normal.

Can I be of any assistance?

Over. Soviet color.

O-key?

O-key?

You... don't... speak?

You... don't... speak?

All honor to your ego, Mr. Dimitrius, what's wrong?

She fails... to excite me.

Why is that? Is she uncooperative?

She won't... speak.

But Mr. Dimitrius, you picked her out yourself in the manual of physical love.

Yes, but... she fails... to excite me.

This poses a problem.

It's never happened before.

Well, I'll see what I can do about it.

Abnormal ideological reaction of Traveller 14

in front of technological systems terrestrial organisation of leisure.

Percentage of radioctivity still normal.

Over.

Music 53.

European color.

All honor to your ego, Mr. Dimitrius.

All this is quite exceptional, you understand I'm sure.

Yes.

The budgetary allotment for persons in transit

is very strictly limited.

But of course, on certain conditions we can

draw upon secret funds,

but we need special authorization.

Anyway don't worry about it, Mr. Dimitrius, all is arranged.

I... would like...

to thank you.

Percentage of radioactivity in faces identical to normal.

Over. American color.

You see our law specifies only one woman per day.

Our ministry of leisure said: You'll be responsible

for your actions before the being.

By the way, he asked me to convey to you his very best wishes

you'll take back pleasant memories of earth when you return to your galaxy.

To see you again, Mr. Dimitrius.

To see you again, commissar.

All honor to your ego.

You...

speak.

Well, of course I speak.

That's what I'm here for.

Do you care for a drink?

Yes, please. Just a little Evian.

- What's your name, noble stranger? - Jean Dimitrius.

And yours?

Eleanor Romeovich.

Have...

you...

lived...

for a...

long time...

in the...

technical...

capital?

No, I come from the country.

I'll be living here for just 150 years.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I am... getting undressed.

Percentage of radioctivity still normal. Over.

Forecast Soviet.

Why don't you...

get...

undressed too?

Why do you speak so slowly?

Because the time passes at such a slow rate in your galaxy, huh?

I'd love to go there.

They say Galaxy 4 is terrific.

- Well, why don't you? - What?

Why... don't you get... completely... undressed?

No!

- Undressing is not my duty. - Why not?

The Commissar was supposed to explain it.

Everything is specialized now.

Oh, not for a long time, for 300 or 400 light years.

But for you, it must be awfully old fashioned, I am sure.

On Earth, you know, it's regarded as a very modern idea.

Believe me there are millions of people who have fought

and given their lives for it.

What... idea?

For having sex, I told you already.

Total specilization is the idea.

For example,

undressing is not my duty.

The prostitutes who specialize in undressing

are geared to physical love,

and well versed in gestures and motion.

And... you?

Me?

I know all the speeches.

I represent sentimental love.

Love... expressed... in language.

Yes, exactly.

So, would you like me to excite you?

Yes...

I'll wake up,

I'll walk around...

the town,

in the streets and places.

I'll look for...

my beloved.

Percantage of radioactivity normal.

Over. Chinese color.

Soviet color.

My beloved slipped his hand through my window,

and my flesh trembled impatiently,

I have longed to be seeded in the shadow of my beloved,

for he is the dearest of all the young men.

I found the one my heart loves,

I seized him,

and I won't release him.

The sex of my beloved is white and red,

because he is strong as death.

Sex is an enclosed garden,

whose perfume is sweeter than all aromatics.

Your eyes...

are like two doves,

and my breasts...

like baby gazelles.

Welcome noble stranger into the garden of your sister and fiancee...

This doesn't excite me.

But I'm trying.

I'm pronouncing the words of love.

I'm fairly sure I can't be mistaken.

Oh, you're not going to denounce me?

No, I won't.

But, something is...

missing. The gestures...

Oh, together, but that's not possible, you were told that.

Anyway, it's logical, isn't it?

I cannot speak with my legs, my breasts, my eyes.

I know... that.

Would you like me to start again?

No, it's... sad.

Yes, I see how you feel.

Our goverment was right to suppress love.

Percentage of radioactivity in faces identical to normal.

- Color American. - I have...

- What? - An idea...

There is another...

- Part of the body. - A different organ...

Which speaks and moves simultaneously?

Yes...

What is it?

Where?

How simple, noble Dimitrius!

In placing our mouths one against the other,

we will speak to each other and at the same time caress.

Yes...

But will it really work?

Subnormal behavior of Prostitute 703.

Highly ideological gesture of Traveller 14.

Percantage of radioactivity normal. Over.

- Shall we try? - How strange!

This is very pleasant,

at the same time, I've the impression that we've discovered something new,

very serious.

Negative, negative, negative!

Negative, negative, negative!

All traces of radioactivity have disappeared! Negative!

Traveller 14 and Hostess 703 have made a discovery! Negative!

They're making love, conversation and progress all at the same time!

Negative, negative, negative, negative!