Original subtitles

[door opening]

GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

(Lowell) THANK YOU.

OH, HI, LOWELL.

I WAS JUST TALKING TO THE PLANE.

UH-HUH.

SEE, PILOTS FEEL SORT OF SPECIAL ABOUT THEIR PLANES.

[chuckles]

INCREDIBLE.

[airplane whirring]

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT IF YOU PUT YOUR HANDS LIKE SO,

YOU CAN ALMOST FEEL HER PUSHING EVER SO SLIGHTLY UPWARD.

LIKE SHE'S STRAINING TO GET IN THE AIR.

CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER.

WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE AND YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN,

EVERYTHING SORTA MAKES SENSE.

WELL, NOT IN AN INTELLECTUAL WAY, BUT KINDA SPIRITUALLY.

IT NEVER FAILS.

EVERY TIME I FLY,

I COME BACK A LITTLE SURER THERE'S A GOD.

I GO DOWN TO THE DUMP AND SHOOT RATS.

THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.

[seagulls cawing]

ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 26,

NONSTOP SERVICE FROM BOSTON

TO OUR LOVELY ISLAND OF NANTUCKET.

UH, FOR THOSE OF YOU GOING OUT TO GREET ARRIVING PASSENGERS,

WE'VE LEARNED,

DUE TO ONE PARTICULARLY NASTY INCIDENT,

THAT IT'S BEST TO WAIT FOR THE PROPELLERS TO COME TO A COMPLETE STOP.

THANKS FOR FLYING SANDPIPER AIR.

HI, FAY. HI, JOE.

HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE TILL THE NEXT FLIGHT?

WELL, IT'S YOUR AIRLINE, JOE. YOU CAN LEAVE ANYTIME.

UH, BUT THE SCHEDULE SAYS 7 MINUTES.

YOU'VE GOT 6 PASSENGERS AND A CRATE OF LOBSTERS THAT HAVE TO BE DELIVERED ALIVE.

THE LOBSTERS, NOT THE PEOPLE.

ALTHOUGH I'M SURE THE PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE IT, TOO.

WELL, YEAH, I HAVEN'T LOST ONE YET. LOAD THEM UP.

I'M GONNA GRAB A QUICK BITE.

(Roy) HEY, HACKETT.

WHAT, ROY?

THEY DELIVERED THIS TO MY AIRLINE BY MISTAKE. OH, THANKS.

IT'S FROM SOME LAWYERS. WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. THE HELL YOU DIDN'T!

YOU PARKED SO CLOSE TO MY EL CAMINO LAST NIGHT

I HAD TO CRAWL IN ON THE PASSENGER SIDE.

THAT GEAR SHIFT AND I HAD A MOMENT I'LL NEVER FORGET.

HEY, ROY, WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS LAST WEEK SOME TIME.

LOOK, UNLIKE YOU, HACKETT, I'M RUNNING A BIG OPERATION HERE.

CHECK THE TARMAC, BUDDY. I'VE GOT 6 PLANES, YOU GOT ONE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY POST OFFICE.

DAMN IT, ROY, THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT.

[laughing] RIGHT, HACKETT, RIGHT.

THE DAY YOU GET AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF MAIL,

I'LL KISS YOUR BEHIND IN THE TOWN SQUARE AT HIGH NOON.

GIVEN UP ON THOSE DIAL-A-DATES, ROY?

HI, HELEN, I'D LIKE A B.L.T.

4 SLICES OF BACON, EXTRA CRISP.

WHOLE WHEAT, LIGHTLY TOASTED.

MUSTARD ON TOP, MAYONNAISE ON THE BOTTOM AND 2 PICKLES ON THE SIDE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA ORDER THAT?

IT'S TUESDAY. YOU ALWAYS ORDER THAT ON TUESDAY.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, TODAY HAPPENS TO BE...

WELL, THIS LOOKS GOOD.

WHOA. (Helen) WHAT YOU GOT?

IT'S A LETTER FROM THE LAWYER

WHO HANDLED THINGS WHEN MY DAD DIED.

HE WAS INSTRUCTED TO SEND THIS PACKAGE TO ME

WHEN THE ESTATE WAS FINALLY SETTLED.

WELL, OPEN IT.

WELL, THERE'S A CATCH.

THIS LETTER SAYS, I'M ONLY SUPPOSED TO OPEN IT WITH MY BROTHER.

WELL, THAT'S THAT. WHAT?

WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CALL HIM.

YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOUR BROTHER FOR 6 YEARS.

THAT IS A LONG TIME TO HOLD A GRUDGE.

WELL, NOT FOR YOU,

BUT MAYBE FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON.

I DO NOT HOLD A GRUDGE.

YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT ABOUT ME. EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

AND QUITE FRANKLY, I'VE ALWAYS RESENTED IT.

[phone ringing]

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME THAT YOU GOT OVER THE FACT

THAT CAROL THE PIG DUMPED YOU AND MARRIED YOUR BROTHER.

CAROL IS NOT A PIG. AND I AM OVER IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A BROTHER, JOE.

WELL, HE'S NOT SO MUCH A BROTHER

AS HE IS A PIECE OF POPCORN STUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH

FOR THE LAST 28 YEARS.

WE'RE NOT VERY CLOSE.

I WENT MY WAY AND BRIAN WENT HIS.

WITH A PIG.

STOP SAYING THAT.

I WILL IF YOU CALL HIM. NO WAY.

ALL RIGHT, HOW OLD WAS I WHEN I MOVED OUT HERE FROM TEXAS?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT, 10. WHY?

OK. I THINK WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS LONG ENOUGH

THAT I CAN SAY TO YOU JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,

CALL YOUR BROTHER, BUTTHEAD.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL HIM.

GOOD. (Fay) GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHETHER YOUR BROTHER MARRIED A PIG

OR DIDN'T MARRY A PIG.

SHE IS NOT A PIG.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU SHOULD HONOR YOUR FATHER'S LAST WORDS.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT HONORING HIS LAST WORDS.

I'M HONORING HIS LAST WISHES.

HIS LAST WORDS WERE,

"SIT ON MY LAP, EYDIE."

HE THOUGHT I WAS EYDIE GORME.

I DON'T KNOW.

I GAVE IT A SHOT

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

DEBORAH NORVILLE DOESN'T HAVE THE HUMANITY JANE PAULEY HAD.

SHE'S GONE, ROY. SHE'S GONE.

WE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY DAY.

JANE HAD 13 GOOD YEARS. BUT NOW, SHE'S GONE.

NOW, GET OVER IT.

I KNOW THAT UP HERE.

DOGGONE IT. BUT HOW DO YOU FILL THE VOID IN HERE?

HOW ABOUT A JELLY DOUGHNUT? JANE WHO?

OH.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

HI, I'M LOOKING FOR THE OWNER OF AEROMASS AIRLINES.

I'VE GOT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.

OH, THAT'D BE ME.

ROY BIGGINS. HI.

AND YOU ARE, UH... UH, CALL ME BRIAN.

BRIAN, RIGHT. I JUST CAME OFF ONE OF YOUR FLIGHTS

AND SIR, YOU ARE A GENIUS. I AM?

OH, YOU BETCHA. I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF SOME

CREATIVE COST-CUTTING MEASURES BEFORE,

BUT GETTING RID OF THE LIFE JACKETS, IT'S INSPIRED.

SURE, TELL THEM THEY'RE UNDER THE SEATS BUT NOBODY EVER CHECKS.

SO WHY HAVE 'EM? THEY ARE TOO UNDER THE SEATS.

OH, SURE THEY ARE. SURE THEY ARE.

OH, AND GETTING A PILOT FRESH OUT OF FLIGHT SCHOOL

MUST HAVE SAVED YOU SOME SERIOUS COIN, HUH?

NICE KID, TOO.

HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS WITH HIM BEFORE THE FLIGHT.

IT'S TOO BAD ABOUT THAT EYE OPERATION THOUGH.

BUT LIKE HE SAID, HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK LEFT ANYWAY?

FOLKS, FOLKS, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I SEE YOU'VE MANAGED TO SLIP IN UNNOTICED.

JOEY!

DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

I'M AFRAID SO. HE'S MY BROTHER.

ROY BIGGINS, BRIAN HACKETT.

PLEASURE. HEY, SANSABELT SLACKS.

BOY, YOU MISS ONE ISSUE OF G.Q.

AND THE FASHION WORLD JUST PASSES YOU BY.

KEEP THIS GUY AWAY FROM ME.

FOLKS, FOLKS...

OH, BEEN TOO LONG, JOE.

YEAH. YEAH.

SO, HOW YOU BEEN?

FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?

"FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU? FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?"

PLEASE, JOE. TOO MUCH WARMTH.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

UH, THIS PLACE NEVER CHANGES.

YOU, UH, YOU LOOK A LITTLE TIRED.

OH, NO, I'M FINE.

HEY, I KNOW YOU, JOE.

YOU'RE THE BEST PILOT AROUND BUT YOU'RE DOING TOO MUCH.

YOU'RE RUNNING THE OFFICE, YOU'RE FLYING THE PLANES.

YOU KEEP THIS PACE UP, YOU'RE GONNA END UP LIKE HOWARD HUGHES.

LOCKED IN A HOTEL ROOM,

SITTING ON KLEENEX, SUCKING APPLE SAUCE THROUGH A STRAW.

AIN'T THAT SOMETHIN'?

ALL THAT MONEY AND HIS HOBBIES ARE THE SAME AS MINE.

REALLY?

HE ALSO USED TO COLLECT TOENAIL CLIPPINGS

AND KEEP THEM IN A MASON JAR.

THIS IS UNCANNY.

WHO'S THAT? THAT'S LOWELL MATHER.

HE'S SORT OF A JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES AROUND HERE.

HIS FAMILY HAS LIVED ON THE ISLAND FOR 5 GENERATIONS.

AH! PROBABLY IN THE SAME ROOM.

WELL, SHALL WE GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND FIND OUT WHAT POP LEFT US?

(Helen) HEY, BRIAN!

HELEN? HELEN CHAPEL?

OH, MY GOD! YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

YOU'VE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT. OH, I HAVE NOT.

MAYBE A POUND OR 2 OR 60.

HEY.

COME ON, BRIAN. HELEN'S BUSY.

NO, IT'S OK.

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD YOURSELF. WHAT'VE YOU BEEN DOING?

UH, I'M DOWN IN THE CARIBBEAN

FLYING CHARTER FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

HMM. BUSINESS IS PICKIN' UP.

ALTHOUGH THE NORIEGA SPRING BARBECUE LOOKS A LITTLE IFFY.

SO WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT THAT CELLO OF YOURS WAS GOING TO GET YOU OFF THIS ROCK.

ONE DAY IT WILL. I PRACTICE ALL THE TIME. I GO TO MY AUDITIONS.

YOU KNOW, IN THE MEANTIME, I'M HERE. BRIAN, NOW.

[phone ringing]

HEY, JOEY, UH,

ARE YOU AND HELEN, MMM, YOU KNOW?

OF COURSE NOT. WE'RE FRIENDS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LOOK AT THAT BODY.

BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU THINK OF HER THAT WAY? SHE'S PRACTICALLY FAMILY.

SHE'S LIKE A BABY SISTER. YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I THINK IT'S TIME I GAVE THAT LITTLE TYKE A BATH.

OH, SAME OLD JOE, NEAT AS A PIN.

EVERYTHING AT RIGHT ANGLES.

IT'S CALLED HAVING YOUR LIFE IN ORDER.

YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT SOMETIME.

SO, HOW'S CAROL?

FINE, FINE. SENDS HER LOVE.

UH, ABOUT CAROL, ARE WE OK HERE?

WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,

YEAH, WE'RE OK.

AREN'T WE OK? I'M OK.

WELL, I'M OK. OK.

THAT WAS FUN.

HERE. IT'S OUR LEGACY FROM POP.

I GUESS ONE OF HIS GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES FINALLY PAID OFF, HUH?

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS?

I'M VERY SERIOUS, JOE. APPARENTLY, POP WAS LOADED.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?

THE, UH, THE PHONE CALL.

WHAT PHONE CALL?

OH, DEAR.

YOU HAVE A LITTLE SIGN ON THIS DRAWER THAT SAYS "EMPTY."

LIKE, YOU CAN'T PULL IT OPEN AND SEE THAT?

WHAT PHONE CALL?

I MEAN, YOU ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME TO LABEL IT?

THIS IS HEAVY. DOES--DOES THE WORD "ANAL" MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

AT THIS MOMENT IT HAS A VERY SPECIAL MEANING.

THIS HURTS ME, JOE.

THIS REALLY HURTS ME.

THINK IT'LL LEAVE A MARK?

WHAT PHONE CALL?

HE CALLED ME A COUPLE OF MONTHS BEFORE HE DIED

AND HE RAMBLED ON ABOUT THIS AND THAT.

I DIDN'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

BUT I REMEMBER HIM SAYING VERY DISTINCTLY AT ONE POINT, "YOU'RE RICH."

HE SAID "YOU'RE RICH," JOE.

I DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT UNTIL NOW.

I WOULDN'T GET YOUR HOPES UP.

NOT THAT YOU WERE AROUND, BUT DAD WAS GETTING

PRETTY STRANGE THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.

WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE USED TO PUT ON AN APRON, GO TO THE MARKET

AND DEMONSTRATE CHEESE SPREAD.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT.

SURE, BUT USUALLY THE MARKET HIRES THEM.

[exclaiming]

NO, JOEY, THIS IS IT.

PAYDAY. HERE WE GO.

YOU'RE SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

"O YE, OF LITTLE FAITH."

IT'S A KEY I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET YOUR HOPES UP.

TO A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX IN THE FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF NANTUCKET.

WE'RE RICH!

WE'RE RICH!

(both) WE'RE RICH!

GO WARM UP THE CAR. I'VE GOT TO MAKE A QUICK PHONE CALL.

WE'RE RICH!

BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE. PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE.

OH, DAMN!

"WAIT FOR THE BEEP." HI, CAROL, IT'S ME.

UH, LOOK, I KNOW THE JUDGE TOLD ME NOT TO BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.

ACTUALLY HE TOLD ME NOT TO BOTHER HIM ANYMORE, TOO.

BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M ABOUT TO COME INTO A FEW BUCKS

AND WHEN YOU'RE READY TO COME BACK, THE DOOR'S OPEN.

I MISS YOU, CAROL,

AND, UH, I REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT--

[dial tone droning]

GREAT. NOW HER MACHINE'S HANGING UP ON ME.

THIS'LL KILL HIM.

STAND BACK, CLEAR THE DECK.

RICH GUYS COMING THROUGH.

(Helen) WHAT DID YOU GET?

WELL, THIS WAS IN THE SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX

BUT THERE WAS NO WAY TO GET INSIDE IT.

HEY, LOWELL, GIVE ME A SCREWDRIVER.

WELL, OK, BUT BE CAREFUL.

NOW, YOU'RE NOT ON ANY KIND OF ANTIHISTAMINES, ARE YOU?

IT'S ANOTHER KEY.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING THIS.

AND--AND I MEAN IT IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY.

BUT YOUR FATHER WAS REALLY JERKING YOU AROUND.

THIS ONE'S TO A POST OFFICE BOX IN BOSTON.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? LET'S GO.

BRIAN, THIS IS STARTING TO SEEM LIKE A WASTE OF TIME.

DON'T THROW THE TOWEL IN NOW.

YOU REMEMBER, DAD SAID, "YOU'RE RICH."

WELL, I DO HAVE A FLIGHT LEAVING FOR BOSTON IN A FEW MINUTES.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

CAN'T GET SIDETRACKED NOW AGAIN.

WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR EYES ON THE PRIZE.

OH, MAJOR HOOTERS. WE CAN'T LET THOSE...

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

MAJOR HOOTERS.

MAJOR BOB HOOTERS, U.S. AIR FORCE, AT YOUR SERVICE.

UH-OH, SCRAMBLE. RED ALERT.

REST EASY TONIGHT, LITTLE LADY.

OUR BOYS ARE IN THE AIR AND SO ARE YOURS.

I HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO.

OH, DON'T START. DON'T START.

I JUST SPENT 5 HOURS TRAIPSING ALL OVER BOSTON ON SOME WILD GOOSE CHASE

AND WHAT DO WE END UP WITH?

EXCUSE ME, IS--IS THERE A PROBLEM? EVERYTHING'S FINE.

JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE FLIGHT.

NANTUCKET TOWER, THIS IS SANDPIPER 28.

FINAL APPROACH, FIX INCOMING.

(man) SANDPIPER 28, NANTUCKET. YOU'RE CLEAR TO LAND.

SANDPIPER 28, ROGER.

LOOK, THERE'S NO REASON TO GET UPSET.

I WANT TO GET UPSET.

I LIKE TO GET UPSET!

GETTING UPSET MAKES ME HAPPY!

YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT SOMETIME.

YOU SURE EVERYTHING'S OK? OF COURSE.

LOOK, IT'S NOT LIKE WE LOST ANYTHING.

WE HAVE A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

AFTER ALL, WE'VE GOT--

JOE, IF YOU'RE GONNA SAY WE'VE GOT OUR HEALTH,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO HURT YOU.

I WASN'T GOING TO SAY THAT.

ALTHOUGH WE DO.

I WAS GOING TO SAY WE'VE GOT OUR JOBS. I'VE STILL GOT THE AIRLINE

AND YOU'RE STILL FLYING CHARTER.

YOU DO STILL FLY FOR THAT CHARTER COMPANY?

YOU DON'T, DO YOU? YOU GOT CANNED.

EH, IT WAS A CRUMMY JOB ANYWAY.

ACTUALLY, I WAS KIND OF HOPING

YOU MIGHT NEED AN EXTRA PILOT.

ARE YOU KIDDING? HIRE YOU?

I'D RATHER CRASH THIS PLANE.

YOU NEED A JOB? I'LL HIRE YOU.

HOW DO YOU DO IT, BRIAN?

HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BLOW EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY YOU'VE EVER HAD?

IT'S A GIFT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SMART.

YOU GET A FREE RIDE TO PRINCETON AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU QUIT.

AND WHAT ABOUT NASA? YOU'RE ONE OF THE YOUNGEST PEOPLE EVER ACCEPTED

TO THE SPACE PROGRAM AND YOU WASH OUT ON THE 2ND DAY OF ORIENTATION.

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN AN ASTRONAUT, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

YEAH, LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW

YOU COULDN'T BRING DATES INTO THE SHUTTLE SIMULATOR.

GOD, I WISH I HAD THE ADVANTAGES THAT YOU HAD,

BUT SOMEONE HAD TO HOLD DOWN THE FORT.

OH, NO. NO, YOU DON'T, JOE. THEY'VE ALREADY DONE THIS MOVIE.

REMEMBER THE ONE WHERE POOR OLD JIMMY STEWART

HAS TO STAY HOME AND SAVE THE BANK

WHILE HIS BROTHER GETS TO GO OFF

AND DO THESE EXCITING THINGS?

REMEMBER THAT MOVIE, JOE? YEAH. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

THAT'S RIGHT, JOE. WELL, THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES

AND FROM WHERE I SIT, JIMMY STEWART WAS A SAP.

(man) SANDPIPER 28--

OH, GIVE US A SECOND, WILL YOU?

HE COULD HAVE LEFT US IF HE WANTED TO

AND SO COULD YOU, BUT YOU DIDN'T.

YOU STAYED HOME AND YOU TOOK CARE OF POP.

GOOD OLD ST. JOE. NOW, STOP IT RIGHT THERE, BRIAN.

EXCUSE ME. SOLID CITIZEN JOE. HE ALWAYS DOES THE RIGHT THING.

YOU KNOW, I BET YOU DON'T EVEN TEAR THAT STUPID TAG OFF THE MATTRESS.

IT SAYS, "DO NOT REMOVE."

I KNEW IT! EXCUSE ME.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I THINK?

I THINK YOU USED POP AS AN EXCUSE,

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO GO OUT AND DO WHAT I DID.

WHAT? FALL FLAT ON YOUR FACE?

AT LEAST, I WASN'T AFRAID OF FAILING.

[laughs] OBVIOUSLY NOT.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT? FOR GOD'S SAKE?

WEREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO LAND BACK THERE?

OH.

LOOK, I'M THE PILOT AND I'LL DECIDE WHEN TO LAND THIS AIRCRAFT.

OK, NOW!

[tires screeching]

OBNOXIOUS LITTLE TWERP. TIGHT CONTROL FREAK NAZI.

YOU'VE BEEN A BONE IN MY THROAT SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN.

I SHOULD HAVE SMOTHERED YOU IN YOUR BABY BLANKET.

HEY! WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOIN' ON.

THAT KEY OPENED UP A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX

WHICH HAD A KEY FOR ANOTHER BANK

WHICH LED TO ANOTHER KEY TO ANOTHER BANK

WHICH LED TO 2 BUS STATIONS, A POST OFFICE, A TRAIN DEPOT, AND A KENNEL.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE FOUND?

ANOTHER KEY.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE IT GOES?

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT GOES. WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES!

THAT'S WHERE IT GOES!

COME ALL THE WAY BACK HERE AND WHAT DO I END UP WITH?

NADA, ZIPPO, ZERO, ZILCH.

WITH NOTHING!

YOU'VE GOT CAROL.

OH, SO NOW WE GET TO IT, HUH?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE OVER THAT.

OVER YOU STEALING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FROM ME?

I DIDN'T STEAL HER. SHE CAME AFTER ME.

OH, COME OFF IT.

CAROL DOESN'T HAVE A DECEPTIVE BONE IN HER BODY.

SHE'S KIND AND GOOD AND HONEST.

AND YOU STOLE HER FROM ME, AND IT HURTS.

IT HURTS BAD.

I DON'T THINK YOU COULD EVER KNOW HOW MUCH.

SHE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER GUY.

SHE LEFT YOU, TOO? YEAH.

THAT PIG.

OK, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

BUT SHE WAS MY PIG.

WELL, AT LEAST THE OTHER GUY WASN'T YOUR BROTHER.

YEAH, YEAH.

MY BROTHER WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT TO ME.

I KIND OF THOUGHT IF POP LEFT US SOME MONEY,

SHE MIGHT WANT TO COME BACK.

HEY, LISTEN, JOE.

NO MATTER WHOSE FAULT IT WAS,

IF LOSING CAROL MADE YOU FEEL THE WAY I'VE FELT SINCE SHE'S LEFT,

THEN I'M--I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

[airplane whirring]

WELL, PLACES TO GO, PEOPLE TO SEE.

BYE.

[clears throat] GET ME ON THE NEXT FLIGHT TO MOROCCO.

WE'VE GOT ONE GOING TO HARTFORD RIGHT NOW.

CLOSE ENOUGH.

OFFERING THAT MAN A JOB WITH MY AIRLINE

WOULD BE THE STUPIDEST THING I COULD DO.

HE'S TOTALLY UNRELIABLE. HE'D NEVER BE ON TIME.

HE'D DO NOTHING BUT TRY MY PATIENCE.

UH-HUH. SO, WHY ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?

I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA.

UH, BRIAN?

IF YOU'RE STILL INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH ME,

I COULD ALWAYS USE A GOOD PILOT.

HEY, UH, THANKS, JOE, I APPRECIATE IT.

BUT I DON'T TAKE JOBS OUT OF PITY.

TAKE IT EASY.

OH, AND DO YOURSELF A FAVOR.

LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.

I'LL TRY TO.

I DON'T WANT TO END UP SITTING ON HOWARD HUGHES' KLEENEX.

JOE HACKETT, ONE OF THE WORLD'S TRUE FUNNY MEN.

SEE YOU AROUND, BAGGY PANTS.

SAY, I RECOGNIZE THIS KEY. IT OPENS ONE OF OUR LOCKERS.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

HEY, LOWELL, SEE IF THIS FITS NUMBER 5.

[clearing throat] HANG ON, MOM.

THERE'S A SUITCASE IN HERE. YOU WANT IT?

YES.

OK.

I'D LIKE IT DULY NOTED THAT THIS SCRATCH WAS ON THE SUITCASE.

(both) LOWELL!

OK.

NOW, REMEMBER, BRIAN,

WHATEVER'S IN THIS SUITCASE, WE SPLIT IN 2.

WHAT IF IT'S A PUPPY?

BRIAN, IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

OH, OPEN IT ALREADY.

OK, YOU READY? READY.

HERE WE GO.

[women screaming]

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

WELL, FOR ONE THING IT MEANS POP'S FUNNIER DEAD THAN YOU ARE ALIVE.

WAIT A MINUTE, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE IN HERE.

[exclaiming]

IT'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

SWIMMING AT GIBBS' POND.

LOOK, WE'RE TOGETHER AND WE'RE BOTH SMILING.

I THINK IT'S THE LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED.

HEY, UH, DAD WROTE SOMETHING ON THE BACK.

"YOU'RE RICH."

SO, THIS WHOLE WILD GOOSE CHASE...

I GUESS, MAYBE DAD JUST WANTED US TO SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.

YEAH, I GUESS MAYBE DAD WASN'T AS CRAZY AS WE THOUGHT, HUH?

(Roy) ANNOUNCING FINAL BOARDING

FOR AEROMASS FLIGHT 17 TO HARTFORD.

THAT MEANS YOU, HACKETT.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

HEY, UH, DO YOU MIND IF I KEEP THIS? IT'S A GREAT PICTURE OF ME.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

WHAT? BESIDES THOSE SWIMMING TRUNKS UP AROUND YOUR ARMPITS?

IS THAT JOB OFFER STILL GOOD?

MY SWIMMING TRUNKS? WHAT ABOUT THAT DOOFUS HAIRCUT?

YOU CAN START TOMORROW. YEAH, GREAT.

[glasses clinking] AND LOOK AT THOSE EARS. THEY LOOK LIKE HUBCAPS.

[glasses clinking] WHAT IS THAT BIG ROUND THING IN THE WATER?

HOW DID A WHALE GET IN GIBBS' POND?

A WHALE?

GOOD LORD, THAT'S ME!

GIVE ME THAT.