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HE WHISTLES

Seven o'clock. Old Harry's always bang on time.

They sent ordinary milk again! They know we have Gold Top.

Never mind, mate.

There we are, then. Milk.

Butter. Eggs.

Oi-oi! French bread.

Dodger? Dodger?

Huh? Papers, Dodger?

Oh, ta.

Close the window, mate, there's a bit of a George Raft.

Sorry, Dodge.

One egg or two, Dodge?

No, thanks. I feel a bit 'umpty after that trifle you knocked up.

I told him to go easy on the sherry.

It didn't look all that rich to me.

Hello! I see the bottom's dropped right out of Colonial Cocoa.

When you knock off any money, lads, don't put it on the stock exchange.

Don't worry, I won't!

Here, you do look a bit seedy today.

Fancy a drop of brandy in your tea?

That's a very sound idea. Very sound.

All right? Down to Larkin.

RADIO: 'Our first request is from Mrs Price of Coblar's Rd, London E2'

That's my mum!

'Mrs Price wants me to play a record for her son Lenny and his friends...

Ain't that nice?

..who work in a hush-hush government establishment.

Here's Lenny's mother's choice - Don't Fence Me In.

Said it right, didn't she?!

Very subtle sense of humour.

That's my mum's request!

Belt up. Can we have it on?

I've got a bad head. Please, Dodger!

NO! Don't argue, Lenny!

KNOCK ON DOOR Who is it?

Only me. Come in, Chief, it ain't locked.

Morning, Mr Jenkins.

Sorry to bother you lads during your breakfast.

Fancy a cuppa, Chief?

Oh, thanks.

Not robbing you, am I?

No, mate, what's ours is yours.

That's good!

This is the only place you can get a decent cuppa round here.

You've got a 3-star one there, eh?

Anything else we can do for you?

I wondered if you'd mind popping down to the rock quarry.

Well, a little later.

Do what?!

Now don't get excited.

The Governor wants a few nice knobbly bits for his rockery.

You had me worried for a minute. Well, I must be off.

Mind putting Strangeways out on your way down, Chief?

Oh, not at all.

Come on, puss, puss, puss.

Come on, puss, puss.

By the way, rehabilitation classes are starting bang on time today.

The old man's got a party visiting.

That's nice. Who is it this time?

Oh, Ladies' League of Prison Reform.

Come on, puss, come with me.

We wanna get out and the buckteeth and bloomers brigade wanna get in!

That's enough of that.

I'm so glad you've let us look round your prison, Commander Bennett.

A pleasure, ma'am.

From what we hear, if other governors were as far-seeing as you

our work would hardly be necessary

How kind.

Crowding these lads three to a cell isn't the end of it.

I'm sure!

Can't let them rot - teach them a trade for when they get out.

Aren't you short of instructors?

I get my instructors from among the prisoners.

Really?!

We've got all trades here and they're keen to help each other.

And you find that works?

Judge for yourselves.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

Rehabilitation classes ready for inspection, sir.

Thank you, Lane.

This is Lane, one of my trusties.

ALL: Good morning.

Morning, ladies.

Not much goes on here that you're not interested in, eh?

We take things as we find 'em, sir.

Well, shall we see the gardens?

Come this way.

Thank you very much.

I've got the leaders' reports, sir.

Put them on my desk, Lane.

Come on, darling!

Eight's me point. Eight's me point.

Here, Governor!

Stand by your plants!

Very popular, gardening activities.

We're hoping for great things at the County Show.

Now I'd like to show you something of mine.

There's a prize-winner if ever I saw one!

I've never seen one so big!

I brought this on myself.

You must be very proud.

Indeed I am, ma'am.

Now, then...

Look at those lovely blooms!

Lane has the seeds sent from abroad.

What a lovely smell. What are they?

Nicotina Snoutus Virginius, lady, what are flowers.

Smells very much like tobacco to me.

They whiff at night something lovely.

Mind you, there's so many niffs here you don't know what you're smelling!

Have a niff at the Governor's Betty Uprichard,

his second pride and joy.

Oh, lovely!

Hand-reared, as they say in the Navy.

Got it, lads? Right, I'll explain the details.

STAND BY FOR GOVERNOR'S ROUNDS!

Carry on, lads.

Isn't it fascinating, Commander?

Come over here.

Most interesting.

I'm glad you have cultural subjects as well as mere vocational training.

Indeed, madam.

Man cannot live by bread alone, although we have our own bakery!

Art appreciation is important.

Hello, darling.

Take pottery, for example.

If you'll just come this way.

Pottery.

Really! The Governor's going too far.

What possessed you?! Three buttonholes in a two-button suit!

I'll cut out another coat.

We're not made of money!

This is the tailoring department. If I may be permitted...

Like the ensemble, sir? Very nice.

It's my going-home suit.

You and your friends are out soon, eh?

If I may point out the salient features?

Notice the hand-basted lapels.

In most mass-produced suits the basting's done with soap,

which means if it rains you come out in a lather!

Open up, Lennie. No, the jacket!

Notice the Terry-Thomas touch?

May I detain you one second?

I'm working in derogatory conditions...

He's very skilled, isn't he?

I asked for a tailor's cutter and they sent an oxyacetylene welder!

Ohh!

As you see, we have an enthusiastic woodwork section.

Oh, cabinet-making as well!

Yes, ma'am.

Of course.

Well, you now have some idea of how we do things.

Yes, we all congratulate you on your sterling work, Commander.

Most interesting. Absolutely first class.

One likes to think one's seed hasn't fallen on stony ground.

I'm sure it never does, judging by your enormous vegetable marrow!

This way. That will be all, Lane.

All right, lads.

Psst!

Now, lads.

As I was about to say, my own preference is the hinge method.

It takes longer but the results are infallible.

You drill three lovely little holes by your 'inge.

Get your jelly, bung it in. Insert your detonator.

Pardon the intrusion, but did you say this method is infallible?

Infallible.

Then might I enquire as to what you're doing in here?!

Wanna punch up the throat?!

Ladies gone, sir? Yes, Jenkins.

Your visitor's waiting in the office. Goodness, is that the time?

Oh, Jenkins, send Lane in to us.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Padre.

I've been admiring your flora.

Mr Fowler, isn't it? Yes.

Let me take these. Do sit down.

How kind. Thank you.

Cigarette? No, it's one temptation I'm able to resist, thankfully.

Extraordinary! I must be smoking 50 a day. Mind if I do?

Of course not.

Now, you say we have some of your former parishioners here.

Lane and his friends, eh? Afraid so.

Three from one parish is not good in my walk of life.

They're good lads at heart - cooperate splendidly.

I'm glad to hear it.

Their background is... I can't begin to describe it!

Please, don't try. Then I won't.

Mind you, there's no excuse.

No, crime is crime.

I mean no excuse for us!

We've a duty to help these unfortunate people.

Padre, you echo my own thoughts.

I hoped that'd be the case.

Perhaps you'd like a few minutes with Lane?

Most kind of you, Governor. KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Ah, Lane.

Come on, Lane, you know your vicar.

Yeah, I know him, sir.

Don't be shy. Mr Fowler will help.

Merely to proffer friendship and good counsel.

How are you, my son?

Can't complain, "Vicar".

Now, listen carefully to Mr Fowler's advice.

I can safely leave you, Padre? Oh, indeed.

Now, come and sit down. Have my chair, Vicar.

Thank you, Governor. Lane, sit there.

I'll be back to see how you're getting on.

Many thanks.

You smarmy, rat-faced, conniving, bleating whited sepulchre!

Come, come, come.

Soapy Stevens! Up to your Reverend lark again, I see.

I'll belt you from here to Wandsworth!

Please, let's not talk in an ill-bred fashion.

You drop us in the pony and talk about ill-bred?!

Hands off - they're my perks!

Now, listen... I listened to you

and got 3 years while you live the life of Reilly!

Father Reilly, please.

Dodger, I'm on a racing certainty.

Like last time when you had the only alibi?

Can you boys get out of here and back again without being noticed?

We're not The Three Houdinis!

Then you'd have the perfect alibi.

Don't you see?

What's cooking in that disease-ridden bonce of yours?

Something quite sensational, my boy.

You crafty old fox!

Well, I might be able to work out something.

I thought you'd be interested.

Now wait a minute.

I'll have to know more about it.

Of course you will.

I'll give you the drill. GOVERNOR CLEARS THROAT

So they give you the drill? Very healthy!

You do look after them, Governor.

We do our best. How's it going?

We've made a good start.

I imagine the vicar's given you something to think about, Lane.

He has, sir. Definitely.

I am sure, when you get out of here, he'll help you to find work.

I made that very point.

I'd like to visit again, if I may,

directly I see how the land lies regarding "employment".

Certainly. Well, goodbye.

Get the Padre's hat, Lane, and see him to the gate.

And my umbrella, please.

Was you wearing gloves, Vicar?

Not this time. Goodbye.

Where's this lot going? Getting stones for the Guv's rockery

Well, don't overdo it.

Look who's over there with Dodger!

Where? Over there!

Blimey! What's he doing here?! HEY, STOP... Oh!

How nice to see our vicar, eh? What's he doing here?!

Nante. How you getting on, Your Holiness?

Fine. Your mum sends her love, Price,

Knight, you're looking very bonny.

I've been talking with Lane about your prospects. He'll explain.

I must go. Mustn't interfere with the process of the law!

What's that all about? Tell you later.

I'll remember you tonight in my prayers, boys.

We'll be lucky if he remembers us after the second pint!

We had a basinful of Soapy before.

Mum says three years is enough to give any man.

We'll be out soon and a bit of information may be useful.

Last time his information dropped us in it.

And I'll tell you something else...

Good afternoon. Afternoon, sir.

That's the sort I want.

Is that enough, sir?

We're finding the stone difficult to work, it's all bedded-in.

This'll do to go on with. That's it, lads.

Your mother's here, Price. Lovely!

Someone to see you, too, Lane.

People come all this way to visit you

and you simply don't seem to care. Extraordinary!

Give over, Ethel!

Titivating! It gets on my nerves, always looking at yourself.

I don't want to lose my allure.

Allure won't get you nowhere!

You've got to be firm with a man like Dodger, same as Lennie's pa.

No physical contact with prisoners, no passing notes, fags or contraband.

Yes, yes, we know.

Never seen a home-perm kit before?

Yes. And you can leave it there.

You're welcome.

This way.

Don't forget, make yourself felt.

But he said no physical contact!

Aw, don't be such a... Be firm!

I will!

Hello, Dodger. Hello, Eth.

Looking forward to coming out?

No, I'd like to stay here forever!

I thought you didn't like it here!

Look, I'll come to the point.

I want the banns put up Sunday so we can get tied-up when you're out.

Blimey, here we go again.

The whole street's talking!

Five years we've been courting and what's to show for it? Nuffink!

You've been lucky. Anyway, I gave you a smashing engagement ring.

I can only wear that in the house with the blinds drawn!

Whose fault was it we didn't get married after that mail van job?

Not mine! Had you got to the church on time

you'd have been there before the law, thereby avoiding a nasty fracas.

Language, please! Well! Well!

I can't understand you.

Me and Dad tried to bring you up right but family honour

don't seem to mean nothing to you.

Do you like doing time?!

Three years in here and never once tried to escape.

Don't lean on them wires! You'll mark yourself for life.

We'll be out soon, anyway.

That's not the point!

Look at your dad's record - 4 times over the wall at the Moor.

And Aunty Emmy's bad leg didn't stop her climbing the wall at Holloway.

I'll do better next time, Mum.

I should think so. Show some enthusiasm!

BABY CRYING

How old is he now, my love?

Eight months, dearest.

But I've been here nearly two years!

But you've sent me some lovely letters, Fred.

If that's the way you want it, Eth. That's the way I want it!

Dodger!

Time's up, ducky. All set?

I suppose so.

Goodbye, Dodger, dear. Goodbye, Ethel, dear.

Whoops!

There it goes again!

It's so embarrassing.

JAZZ ON RADIO

Turn the radio down a bit, lads.

RADIO OFF

Like a nightcap, Chief?

Oh, that's very kind.

It looks as though we'll be leaving together.

How's that?

You know I was due to retire last year but they asked me to stay...

Well, they've got a replacement now.

What will you do with yourself?

We've got a little tobacco shop at Leigh-on-Sea.

Is it a lock-up?

No. We'll be living over it. Why?

Nothing. Just wondered.

Well, good luck, Chief.

Thank you, boys.

Me and Eth will settle down some day.

Got a job lined up?

No. But some kind friends are trying to organise things.

That's the idea. Heaven helps those who help themselves.

That's just what our vicar said.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah. Yeah.

Only me. Hello, Padre!

Visiting your boys regular now, eh?

Yes. Any time now they'll have to face the old temptations.

Run and tell Lane I'd like a word, there's a good fellow.

I'll make my way to the Governor's office.

Good morning, boys.

That'll bring her colour up nicely.

New duty roster, sir. I'll look it over in my office.

Well, what do you think, Jackson?

Coming along nicely, sir.

Oh, hello, Governor.

Padre. How are you?

Very well, thank you.

I didn't realise you were coming. Perhaps I'm a bit early.

No, quite all right. Do sit down.

Sorry. You said you didn't smoke.

Did I? Oh, that was during Lent.

Ah, I see.

Well, um...

Yes, I'll leave you to it.

I'll attend to my letters later.

Anything you want, help yourself.

I'll be with my marrow.

He's a right berk, isn't he?

Now, what else do you want to know?

Yeah. I want to know if it'll work.

You know me. Oh, I know you!

Which brings me to the all-important question.

How much is it worth?

I thought you'd ask that.

One doesn't sell one's birthright for a mess of pottage.

Depends how big the mess is.

Estimates vary a fraction one way or the other...

..but in round figures, give or take the odd shilling...

Cuanta costa? A couple of million nicker.

How much? You 'eard.

Two million quid?!

One million quid?!

That's right, yeah.

How could it be worth a million?

Do you only read the back page of papers?

I mean the Sultan of Cooch Bhowani.

Don't Lester Piggott ride for him? Where'd you read that?

The back page.

Every now and then, they bung this geezer on the scales and weigh him.

Like the Aga Khan?

If you read the papers you'd know it's his diamond jubilee next month.

The diamonds in the van are his?

Right. Now here's what they do.

The Sultan's on one end of the scales and his lovely diamonds on the other.

Then they have a weigh-up.

How come the diamonds are over here?

Safe-keeping. He's the only mate the British have out there.

He shoves his gear over here for safe-keeping.

We can't knock-off a load of diamonds just like that, Dodger.

Do you mind?

Provided we're out sharp by 11 on the 28th, we're laughing.

We don't get out till the 29th!

So, on the 28th we're in here!

Do you 'erbs want a better alibi?

That's the best, eh?

Right, here's the drill.

The Army escort the diamonds from London to Portsmouth.

From Portsmouth a destroyer takes 'em out East.

Between London and Portsmouth we nick 'em.

Who's escorting the van? The Army.

I ain't gonna fight the Army!

You ain't half a berk!

There's only a few Army and we ain't fighting 'em.

This is marvellous!

Dodge, when did you think of all this?

While you were both kipping away I lay awake thinking and planning.

We'll have to cut old Soapy in.

Eh? He's handling the outside stuff.

Not Soapy!

That git landed us in here!

Cos Soapy had the alibi then - this time we've got the alibi.

How do you mean?

If anyone gets lagged for this job it'll be our "vicar"!

Let him pray his way out of that!

Very good.

But how do we get out of here?

When Jenkins comes for his nightcap

you slip him some 3-star cocoa and he goes out like a light.

Jenkins won't be here on the 28th.

So we straighten-out whatever ripe old Charlie they send down.

COME ON, YOU SNIVELLING LOAD OF LAYABOUTS!

GET WEAVING WITH THEM PICKS!

YOU'RE NOT SUNBATHING ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA NOW!

COME ON, HIT IT!

UP, DOWN!

Don't strain yourself!

What's wrong with you?! HIT IT!

TAKE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE!

What's up with you, Shorthouse? I broke me 'ammer, sir.

Leaning on it, eh? No...

SILENCE WHEN YOU TALK TO ME!

The nice gentleman at the end of the line will give you a new one.

COME 'ERE!

Pick that up.

Ask him to give you another one, only bigger!

GO ON! AT THE DOUBLE!

HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP! HUP!

The Governor wants to see you. Right.

He's over there. Right.

ALL RIGHT, YOU LOT, KEEP AT IT.

You wanted to see me, sir? Morning, Crout.

You've been appointed Chief Officer at Huntleigh.

Congratulations.

Thank you, sir.

I'm sure you'll carry on there the good work you've done here.

I'll see to that, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

# For he's a jolly good fellow, And so say all of us! #

Something to get your mouth round after coffee. Nice cigar, that.

And now, as they say, time to cut the cake.

Don't forget to wish.

This is very touching.

It's a shame to spoil this cake. One of your mum's, Lennie?

That's right, Mr Jenkins.

What's this?

Sorry, Chief. Sheer force of habit, I suppose.

My mum...

Don't let it upset you, Lennie. We all know your mum!

Let's pass the cake round, then.

Sit down, Chief.

Er, the lads and myself wish you a long and happy retirement.

And as a token of our esteem Lennie...

..we'd like to present you with this little memento.

We're only sorry you're going out before us!

Sure you won't stay till the end of the month?

Please, Chief.

Yeah, stay on, Chief.

I'm afraid I can't, boys.

I don't know what to say.

Things like this make me sorry I'm leaving.

This will always be one of my most treasured possessions.

I'm afraid I've got to go, I've one or two things to do.

Goodbye, Dodger. Cheerio, Chief.

Jelly. Bye, chief. We'll miss you. So will Strangeways.

Who'll take him walkies now? Would you mind... on your way down?

Oh, of course.

Don't forget your cake, Chief.

And your bonnet.

Thank you, boys.

Bye, Chief. Good luck.

Nice old fella, isn't he?

Come in.

Ah, Jenkins.

You don't happen to have seen a gold watch, do you?

Gold watch, sir? Yes. Gold hunter and chain,

I seem to have lost it.

It was in here yesterday.

This one, sir?

Yes, that's it!

Where did you find it?

One of the prisoners found it lying about somewhere, sir.

He gave it to me a few minutes ago.

Did he really?!

There's good in all of them, that's what I say.

He could've hung on to it.

Sit down, Chief.

Little things like this must make you sorry you're retiring, Chief.

Well, it comes to us all.

It appears your replacement arrives tomorrow.

Fellow called Crout, from Rockhampton.

Crout, sir?

Yes. Do you know him?

Oh, I know him.

Tell the lads I wish them the very best of luck!

BELL RINGS Oi, George! Shop.

Hey, Dodge, see who it is. I'm just brewing up the tea.

BELL RINGS

Hang on! Hang on!

BELL RINGS

You're in a bit of a hurry...

Blimey! Sour-Crout!

What are you doing with these keys?

I'm a trusty.

I wouldn't trust you with your own grandma!

Where's the officer?

You, come here!

Ah, you must be the new Chief.

Why has this prisoner got the keys?

It's OK, Mr Lane's a trusty.

Mister... Mr Lane?!

Take those and stay by the gatehouse.

This place is due for a shake-up!

Take me to the Governor's office.

AT THE DOUBLE!

Do yourself up!

OUT OF THE WAY. COME ON, MOVE.

I'LL SEE YOU LOT LATER.

Son and heir, eh, Jones? Splendid!

What are you going to call him?

Well, with your permission,

we'd like to take the liberty of naming him after you - Horatio.

That's a very nice thought.

Tell your wife I'd be honoured.

All being well, your wife's due out of hospital on Saturday.

That's right, Guv.

You'd like to be home to welcome her, eh?

I would, sir, please.

Well, I think we can give you two days on parole.

Be back here in prison 8 o'clock on Monday or they'll pick you up.

I'll catch the workman's, Guv. KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in. That's all, Jones.

Thank you, Governor.

Chief Officer Sidney Crout reporting for duty, sir.

Welcome to Huntleigh. Sit down.

Have a good journey? Not bad, thank you, sir.

I hope you'll enjoy being with us.

I think of staff and prisoners as a sort of family.

We must see that the men have plenty to keep them out of mischief.

Jenkins, your predecessor, helped with my rehabilitation courses.

We have fretwork classes, rug-making,

bookbinding, basket weaving, pottery.

Er, excuse me, sir, but those are all indoor activities.

The men look a little pale - might do 'em good to get outside.

Cross-country runs, paper chases, things like that? Good idea.

Of course, we've got our gardening class.

But anything else you can think of in that direction will be welcome.

Oh, I'll think of plenty of things.

Look!

How's that? Very good! It's coming back.

Guess who's taken Jenkins' place? Sour-Crout from Rockhampton!

Who's he? Belt up. Where's the cat?

Gone out for a walk.

What about Soapy's caper now?

Scrub it. This bleeder will have the place laced-up tighter than a drum.

What's wrong with him? He's only the most twisted screw

who ever crept down a prison corridor!

We'll have to hurry, he's on his way.

I'll get the carpet up. Get this stuff out of the way.

Where shall I put it? Under there! In there.

A snout. OK. Right.

Aye, aye, here he comes. All right, line up.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Well, now this is about the nastiest collection of villainy

as I've seen in one cell for a long time.

Dodger Lane for a start.

What happened to your mate who tried to flog the aircraft carriers?

What was it? Soapy Stevens.

I don't know nothing about that. Shut up! I'm talking.

Another one, Mr Jelly Knight, an old acquaintance not to be forgot.

Caught in the safe-blowing lark again, I suppose.

Here's a nasty, evil little face I've not met before. Who's this?

Lennie the Dip. Pickpocket, eh?

Come here.

I'll soon teach you to keep your thieving hands to yourself.

GET BACK!

You gentlemen have had it cushy up to now, fretwork, basket weaving.

Not my idea of running a prison, is it, Mr Lane?

No, Chief. No, Chief.

From now on remember this, it's my ideas that count. Understand?

By the way, how long is it since you lot had a spell in the quarry?

Quarry? The quarry.

Nobody works in the quarry, sir. It's been closed for years.

Has it really? Has it?

I'm personally inviting you to a grand re-opening ceremony.

Won't that be nice?

Monday morning. SIX O'CLOCK.

Hey, what's that cat doing here?

The prison cat, sir. Strangeways.

Yes, I've seen some of its strange ways. GET IT OUT OF HERE!

Six o'clock in the quarry! Why, the papers don't come till seven!

What are we gonna do, Dodger? Yeah, Dodger?

Don't panic. Remember what the poet said -

"Keep your head when all about you are doing their nuts, Gunga Din."

Who said that? I did. Now belt up.

Oh, yeah?

What's this? Not enough rocks to go round?

Can't find any more, Chief - nobody's been here lately.

Well, we'll have to do something about that, won't we?

You know what this is, Mr Knight? Yes, sir, dynamite.

Yes, I thought you'd recognise it.

Let me see. I think one will be sufficient.

Now, take this...

..and stick it in a crack in the rocks there.

That should bring down enough to keep you busy.

Now, it's a 10-second fuse - won't be much of a bang.

Come and stand here, behind me.

All right. Light up, Mr Knight.

I promised the judge I wouldn't muck about with explosives again.

I mustn't do it. He mustn't do it, Chief.

He mustn't do it, Chief.

He mustn't do it? Phhh!

Come on out of it.

What's the matter with you lot, then? Frightened of a little bang?

Where's the Governor? He's...in his garden, Chief.

Excuse me, sir.

Ah, Mr Crout. I hear we've re-opened the quarry.

Yes, sir. I wish to report an accident.

Not only in the quarry, Mr Crout.

What about this?!

That's a pity.

As I was saying... "Pity"?!

Do you realise it's the Huntleigh Show tomorrow?

My marrow would've been a sensation

and through your crass idiocy I'll have to withdraw!

What the devil do you mean by it? Sir, we was at the quarry...

I won't hear excuses, Mr Crout!

Confine yourself to routine activities.

Excuse me, sir... That's all!

Yes, sir.

One moment, Mr Crout!

I believe this is yours.

Basket weaving tomorrow, Chief?

Basket weaving! I'll get you baskets weaving!

I haven't finished with you lot.

Here you are, Vicar. Thank you, my good...

You'll find the Governor over there.

What's that? Oh, thank you.

What's Crout doing here?

He took over from Jenkins.

Gorblimey!

Oh, Lane, I didn't know you had green fingers!

Governor, I was remarking on the beauty of your garden.

Thank you. We're rather proud of it.

How are your plans for Lane?

Oh, progressing favourably.

I'd like a word with the boys, if I might.

Yes. In the garden, if you like.

How pleasant. It does you credit.

I've suffered rather a sad loss.

Oh, I'm sorry. My marrow.

I beg your pardon? My marrow. I watched it grow from that size.

Well, I suppose I'll have to fall back on my roses.

What happened to his...

Crout dropped a rock on it.

Here, I want to talk to you in the greenhouse.

You realise we'll have to scrub the whole setup now Crout's here?

But Eth's got all the griff and Len's mum's learned all her stuff!

Get this into your thin head - there's no way out of here.

No one ever dig a tunnel?

Fella called Hackett did once.

What happened to him? Gawd knows.

Idiot! If you can't find one, dig one! Don't you call me an idiot!

Aye, aye. Screw!

Two million quid, Dodger. Two million quid.

Here, Lennie. What? You go to the pictures a lot.

Not now I don't! But when you did,

did you see a POW film called The Wooden Horse?

Fellas escape from an exercise yard. How?

Dug an 'ole under a vaulting horse. So what?

Who can we trust in the Carpenter's Shop?

How's it going, Jelly? All right, Dodger.

AS CROUT: "I'll have you down the quarry."

Come on, Lennie, you're slowing down.

It's down me neck! My hair's all dirty!

Shut up!

How much longer do we have to do this, Dodge?

Not long. Get your truss over there.

THIS ISN'T A HOLIDAY CAMP! GET THAT THING OUT OF IT.

Lennie! Three knocks - the danger signal.

Stall 'em while we fill in.

All right, lads, pack it up.

Shift that kid's plaything back where it belongs.

Mr Crout, sir? What?

You require us to move this horse? You heard!

So, you've seen enough of us doing our vaulting?

Correct! Well, where would you require us to put it?

Back where it came from. MOVE!

I've just dug all this out.

Right. Hup!

Left, right, left, right...

Hold it! Hold it!

If we're going to take all day, scrub it. Fall-in over there.

Hands out of pockets.

Move! What's wrong with you?!

You're all slow this morning.

Come on, come on, come on.

Spread out, spread out.

Right. We'll really have some PT - jumping on the spot for a few hours.

So, jumping up and down on the spot.

After me...

Begin.

Up, down. Up, down. Up, down.

Get your head up, Lane.

Don't just stand there. Help me out!

Yes, sir.

So, we've a little mole amongst us.

LANE! COME HERE.

Do you know anything about this?

No, Chief.

Come and have a look.

I should think it's worms, Chief.

Worms?!

Take that grin off your face. Give me a box of matches.

Let's see what little worm lives at the bottom of this hole.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!

I thought you'd finished with me.

Keep him jumping till I get back.

Right, Lane, jump.

Hup, down. Hup, down. Hup, down.

I never thought I'd sink this low.

There's one consolation, cocker, you can't sink no lower!

We won't get out on the 28th.

No, we'll need a miracle to get us out of here, boy.

TOILET FLUSHES

Dodger!

Danger Within!

Danger Within? Yeah, that POW escape film.

The fella reckoned all the drains led to the outside.

Good idea, isn't it?

A very good idea, Jelly.

What's a good idea?

He's on to something, mate.

Shut up! Shut up!

For a million nicker it's worth a go.

It's certainly worth a go.

What is?

Lennie, you're the smallest.

I'm as big as Dodge. Look.

You're the smallest, Lennie.

Find out where the drains go.

You're potty if you think you can get me down there!

Lennie, come here.

Remember what your mum said about how you never try to break out?

Remember?

Do this for your mum and for the honour of the Price family, Lennie.

Get down there. You never know, you might come up covered in glory.

All right, then.

In you go, Lennie. Go on.

Where's Lennie going, Dodger?

Seeing where the drains go, Lawyer.

Come on, then!

Stop pushing!

There's no ghosts down there.

Here...

How're you doing?

It's dark down here.

It goes round the corner now.

Here, I'm slipping! Dodger!

SPLASH

We should never have let him do it,

not without a paddle.

Well, no-one can say we didn't try.

Listen, how did we get in here? We was in that bank and...

Kindly give Strangeways some milk. Strangeways has gone.

Then don't give him some milk! What brought us through the gate?

A Black Maria. Exactly. And that's how we get out.

Where's my fag papers? Get Wilbur.

Come on, darling, up you come.

We've got a little job for you, Wilbur, my lad.

Not done much flying lately, eh?

He ain't been out since we sent him with them gift tokens for me mum.

Christmas, wasn't it?

Got him?

Here we are.

Getting a bit fat, isn't he? You give him too many of them cornflakes.

That goes in there.

Well, say bye-bye, darling.

Ta-ra, Wilbur, son.

Hello, Wilbur. Good luck.

All right, don't panic. Through there, that's it

Go on! Go on!

Reckon he'll make it?

Make it? He'll walk it!

Oh, look who's here, it's Wilbur! What you doing here, naughty boy?

I believe you've got something for me.

Wait, Mummy open the door.

LOUD JAZZ MUSIC Turn that damned thing off!

I say, Wilbur's brought a message. What?

See? What did I tell you? About time, too. Let's see.

His little ankles is all swolled.

Dodger thinks they can make it.

Heavens! He wants a Black Maria! He must be barmy!

We can't get one of those!

Remember that film company buyer who got us that Post Office van?

I thought he was doing a stretch. He's out now. I can find him.

I'll get cracking.

Phase Two ready, sir.

Stand by, chaps. STAND BY!

STAND BY!

STAND BY, CHAPS.

STAND BY!

STAND BY!!

Right. Right. Right. Lock up.

Yes, sir.

That's stage one of Operation Treasure Chest completed.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Close on me. Close on me.

Come on, close on me.

That's Phase Two done.

You know your positions? BOTH: Yes, sir.

Come to see how it should be done, Superintendent?

A squad car and a motorcycle escort would do this job in half the time.

And lose half the diamonds! A fine stink there'd be!

Their safe delivery is crucial.

You'll block the Portsmouth Road for hours.

My dear man, we're not fools.

We have a special route known only to my officers and myself.

Ready to move, sir. Right. Move!

Yes, sir. Out!

Out!

They're under starter's orders.

Good.

Start up!

Are you preparing to use that firearm, sir?

I am about to signal an order.

You'll wake half of London.

I won't detain you. There must be plenty of cars illegally parked!

Please stand clear, will you?

Column, advance!

Soapy, they're off!

Well done. See you later.

Never thought we'd have to use this again.

Common breaking and exiting!

WHISPERS: Old Crout's creeping about. Can't he get his head down?

WHISPERS: Hurry up.

Keys? Right.

HORN HONKS

I've got half a dozen here for you, mate.

We're not expecting anybody.

They're here anyhow. Six o' the best.

You're a bit late, aren't you?

I'm lucky to get here at all! Had a hell of a job finding the place.

Nice quiet place you have here.

Nothing ever happens here.

You wouldn't want too much happening in a place like this!

What've you brought?

Nothing startling, three loan club secretaries, two bigamists

and a female impersonator.

"To be delivered to Hampton Gaol."

Delivered where? Hampton Gaol.

This is Huntleigh, not Hampton!

No wonder you weren't expected.

Come on! Are you sure?

Am I sure?! All right, all right, all right.

What's going on? These prisoners should've gone to Hampton.

Well, get them over there. Quick!

I've been driving all day, Chief. Can't I leave 'em here tonight?

Don't push it, Soapy.

Leave 'em here? This isn't a doss house!

All right, Chief. As you say. Get those gates open!

Hang on.

Have I seen you somewhere before?

Probably, Chief. I deliver all over the place.

Dodger, darling! It's lovely to see you.

There's a time and place, Eth.

They've called the banns twice.

If it all goes all right we'll have a lovely honeymoon!

You in Holloway, him in Dartmoor!

That's more like it, Lennie.

It's smashing! Just like when Daddy and me was first starting.

Here, Mum, don't cry.

Blow on that, eh? No, don't!

Go on, blow!

That's better.

How's it going, Soapy?

Marvellous! We've got a good half-hour's start on them.

Here we are. Come along, Lennie.

There you are, boy. Down you go. Thank you!

Where do you want the traffic lights, Soapy?

Ah, wait a minute.

Excuse me, Mum. Hold that, Mum.

Here we are, Dodger.

Just about here.

Bang on schedule. End of Phase Three.

We strike off this road, follow the route through these lanes

and hit Portsmouth here. Maintain radio silence unless it's vital.

Any questions?

Sounds straightforward, sir. Stand by to move off.

Stand by to move off, Sgt Major.

STAND BY! STAND BY! STAND BY!

WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP? PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!

Damn peasants!

Don't just sit there - start up!

Keep at a steady 15mph.

Cheer up! You'll soon be home and dry.

I warned you!

Advance.

Hurry up with your cable, Mum. Get the other one, Soapy.

Here, plug it in, Dodge.

The rest of the gear is over the embankment, boys.

Right.

Take her away, Ethel, dear.

OK, Soapy. Good luck. Thank you.

What the devil's this? Road up.

Damn council, always digging up things.

Ah, here we go. Forward!

RADIO: Escort stopped by traffic lights, sir.

Link up after this single-line traffic nonsense, after the bridge.

What's the trouble, officer?

What's this? What's going on?

Help! Help!

Let me out! What's happening?!

Let us out!

Sorry to bother you, sir, but we seem to have a dislocated track rod.

Get the damned thing fixed. Keep that van in your sight.

The van ought to be with you by now.

With us?

What do you mean?

BACK! BACK!

BACK!

It worked like a charm, like a charm.

Mind you, I'll really be laughing once we're back in the jug.

I'd like to see their faces!

What do we do now, sir?

What do you think, you fool? Fetch the police!

DAIL 999!

STAND BY! STAND BY!

You can't keep them in the cell.

Who says we're going to?

Can I have these for studs? Look what she wants for studs!

Come on, hand over. Oh, Dodge!

Hand over. Later. None of that, girl. Lift up.

Look at that haul! Blimey! That's stealing!

We've got an hour to wait so kip down behind the hedge. All set?

Yes. Come on, Eth.

Oh, Dodger, love!

Oh, no, Eth. Later.

I can't give my mind to it now.

I'll have to get myself a do-it-yourself honeymoon kit!

Always griping. Well!

I don't seem to be sparking properly.

You don't? No.

Well, I'd better look at your little old distributor, then.

I do hope it's not my big end.

There we are, Miss. That oughta do it.

Right. Try it now.

ENGINE STARTS

That's marvellous!

It's a pleasure.

You can come and empty my dustbin any time!

Are you sure the first stop is our chokey, Dodger?

Yeah, I double-checked. Tuesday and Thursday it's the first call.

Second call. I forgot about Fred's Caff.

HORN SOUNDS

The Guvnor won't open his safe before 10?

No, he keeps his Scotch in there and never drinks before 10.

Sure? I've been his trusty two years.

Oh? Having a lie-in?

OUT OF THEM PITS!

Just cos it's your last morning!

Another half-hour and you'll have to call me mister.

Yeah, keep you in a minute too long and you'll be writing to your MP!

Don't worry, I won't drop any clangers.

After breakfast get your civvies and report for GOVERNOR'S INTERVIEW.

ALL AS CROUT: GOVERNOR'S INTERVIEW!

Give us a piggyback!

Cheerio, Count. I'll give your love to Venice.

Here, do us a favour, Dodge?

See Fred, my mate. He lives at 7, Sebastopol Villas.

An old bird will let you in and tell you if he's there.

Go to the basement and you'll see Nick the Bubble. He'll tell you...

I've got a load on my mind, I'll never remember it all, Count.

Don't worry, I've got it all down on a bit of paper here.

You think of everything.

Ta-ra, lads. Good luck.

Dodger, I'm tuppence short!

Tuppence?

He's got 70,000 nicker and he's worried about tuppence!

Take it up with the Governor! Don't be like that.

Tell the Governor! I'll leave it, in the circumstances.

Forget all that.

Look. Do you remember the act as we rehearsed? No fluster.

There you are, you see. Come in.

Ah, lads, come in.

The Padre's come to see you safely home.

You'll want your railway warrants.

Where are we?

Ah, there we are.

Have you got those books we mentioned, Vicar?

Books for your library, Governor.

Dear me!

Books? How very kind.

Thank you. Don't want to carry all this home!

Perhaps you can pile them there. Good idea. Yes, I will.

Hello. "Grow Bigger Marrows".

Haven't seen that one before. Splendid. I'll keep that myself.

Well, Padre, thank you. It's a pleasure.

Well, lads, you've paid your debt to society.

You are now free men.

But before you go...

Ahhhh! WE'RE FREE!

WE'RE FREE, DODGER!

What's the matter?

FREE, DODGE!

MUM! MUM, WE'RE FREE!

I'LL BE HOME FOR XMAS, MUM.

LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE GOVERNOR?

MUM, WE'RE COMING HOME FOR XMAS!

MUM, GET COOKING. GET THAT TURKEY ON, IT'LL BE LOVELY!

YOU CAN COME, DODGER. COME AND HAVE SOME TURKEY.

MY MUM'S A SMASHING COOK.

You saying "free" has mentally unhinged him. Get some water.

Poor lad. Freedom's a heady wine.

Where am I? Soon be home, Len.

He needs fresh air. Yes, he can sit at the front of the bus.

Isn't your car better in the circumstances, Vicar?

No, the bus is better in every way.

Yes. Let's get off.

I'm meeting a welfare group on the 10.50. I'll come along with you.

Capital idea!

I'm all right now, Guv.

Can you manage my case, Knight? All right, Vicar.

Here, why's it better to go by bus?

We'd never get through the roadblocks in my car.

We'll be OK in the prison bus with him in it. Come on.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Going to the station? I want to pick up the rest of my luggage.

Oh, I didn't know you was there, sir OK, Mr Crout, if you must you must.

Right, driver.

I didn't know you was on the bus, sir. I'm just collecting my bags.

I won't be a minute, sir. Right.

There you are, Padre. I nearly forgot my umbrella.

Goodbye, Mr Crout.

You lot will be back, don't worry. And Heaven help you when you are!

Careful what you say, my man - you're a public servant.

I'll have you. I'll... Shut up! I'm talking.

Well, goodbye, Knight. Goodbye, Price.

Don't let me see you here again. Goodbye, Lane.

Cheerio, Governor. Goodbye, Padre. Goodbye.

Thanks for all you've done. Don't mention it.

Now, I must find my welfare group.

I think Crout had me rumbled. I'll keep out of the way.

See you on the train.

Here, Lennie, cop one of these.

Soapy Stevens!

SOAPY STEVENS!!

I understand the Governor's meeting us and will take us to the prison.

GOT YOU! I KNEW I RECOGNISED YOU.

UP TO YOUR LARKS AGAIN, HUH?!

What on earth do you think you're doing?!

I beg your pardon, sir. Are you taking the mickey?

What do you mean? Where's Stevens? You're hiding him.

I saw him come on the station.

You wanna watch him, he's always like that with clerical vicars!

My dear Patterson, what on earth is going on?

This madman suddenly and violently assaulted me from behind.

What the devil do you mean by it?!

Sir, one of these men is an imposter

It's Soapy Stevens. I knew him at Parkhurst, sir. He's a con man.

What are you talking about?!

He's a crook. They're all crooks!

My dear Patterson, what can I say?

This man's shown signs before.

Kindly go to the bus and leave me to deal with him.

Certainly, Governor. Come, gentlemen.

Well, Mr Crout?

I'll collect my luggage, sir. I should!

And, Crout...

..it'd be best for all of us if you sent it back to where it came from!

Cheerio, Crout. Ta-ra, Crouty.

Arrivederci, Crouty. Put your hat on!

Porter! You, come here.

What's wrong with this train?

Oh, Gorblimey!

No sign of him.

Dodger, Soapy's definitely not on the train.

Well, he'll have to get the next one.

Can I see your ticket, please?

It's the law! Coming down the train. Act natural. They can't have tumbled.

Unless they got Soapy.

Even if they got old Soapy he'd never squeal.

No, he wouldn't.

No, old Soapy wouldn't.

Soapy's all right, isn't he? Yeah, not Soapy.

Yeah, Soapy's...

Up on the roof, Lennie. But we're moving. You're mad!

Why don't you go? It's never you, it's always me.

Dodge!

All right?

Come on, then.

Lennie!

Stay up there and relax till I give you the office.

Relax?!

Excuse me, are you both for London?

Yeah, that's right.

TRAIN WHISTLE

Travel warrant. Huntleigh Prison.

10 am this morning.

Well, that certainly lets them out.

Well, I must say, you've got the perfect alibi!

That's what we've got all right!

Oi, Lennie! Come down now.

Have they gone? Give us the bag down first.

Hang on.

All yours, Dodge. TRAIN WHISTLE

JELLY!

That wasn't the mail train, was it?

No, it wasn't.

What are we gonna do now, Dodger?

Change at Clapham Junction.

And now, the ancient and sacred ceremony

of weighing His Sublime Highness against stones of great worth.

My Lord Treasurer...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media