All language subtitles for Time Bandits S01E02 1080p x265-ELiTE

Oh. All right, "Calvin."
You're home. Goodbye.

Don't go. Don't leave me.

Yes. No, you'll want a speech about how
we will always be traveling with you,

and by "with you," we
mean "in your heart."

Alto.

We'll never forget you, "Carmen." We
will always be traveling with you.

And by "with you," we
mean "in your heart."

No, I don't want you to leave
because this isn't my house.

Widgit.

- Yeah, it is.
- It isn't.

- Widgit.
- It is.

- It is.
- It is not.

Yeah, it is. Look, there's
your family over there.

They're not my family.

But they look exactly like you.

They're Neanderthals.

- Pretty rude thing to say about your mom.
- She's not my mom.

She is a prehistoric
Neanderthal woman.

I'm a Homo sapien.

You're probably about
50,000 years too early.

Um, I think your mom is calling you.

She's not my mom.

Go to her. Return to your pack.

She's not my mom, this isn't my
house, and we're in the Ice Age.

If that's not your mom, then
what's she doing with your dad?

He's not my dad.

Okay. Well, this sounds
like a family matter,

and we should give them space.

Gonna be hard
for him to rejoin the nest.

No, please.

They'll reject him
if he smells different.

We're on a mission.

The transition since
he's been away from them.

Please.

Don't
make eye contact.

Adieu, young adventurer.

- I'm not...
- So long.

See you later, "Kirk."

I'm only wearing pajamas,
a towel, and a hat.

Oh, slipped my mind.

- Thank you.
- Only got a limited number of these.

Almost forgot the
translation cap.

Come,
it's very cold out.

Look, he's not our concern.
What do I care about his parents?

I don't understand.

Yeah. That's how
I feel actually.

- Look at his little face.
- Goodness' sake.

Fine. Come on then.

This one is going to
bite us in the ass.

Oh, thank you, guys.

Right. I just want to say,
this is the right place.

It will be Kevin's
home eventually.

I just got the timings
wrong a little bit.

So Kevin and I were
both right really.

- Hmm.
- Okay, Widgit. Let's get him home.

Same
place, different time.

- Right you are.
- Do you wanna lead, Judy?

I thought we all lead equally.

- Yes. That's right.
- Cool.

Me,
the leader.

Okay. After we get rid of
him, we're going to steal some jewels.

And not just any
jewels, crown jewels.

What are crown jewels?

I don't know. I
heard someone say it.

Well, the crown
jewels are jewels.

- Okay, "Carlton."
- Okay, "Calvin." Enough, enough.

Jesus crisp.

This is where you live, is it?

It's not, but I love it.

Oh, yeah. I see where we are.

Oh, and where is that exactly?

I don't know,
but I can see it.

I imagine it's very difficult to
master a map with four dimensions.

And I imagine it's very
difficult to keep quiet.

Oh, spot on. It is.

I... I talk a lot when I'm excited,
when I'm happy, when I'm sad.

Basically all the
time. It doesn't stop.

The old motor mouth
keeps on going.

- Hmm.
- I... I hope I'm not bothering anyone.

Am I bothering anyone? Alto?

- Sometimes.
- Okay. Judy?

- Uh, no.
- That's good. Bittelig?

A little bit.

A little... A little
bit, okay. Widgit?

- A hundred percent.
- A hundred percent?

- Penelope?
- Yes.

Well, I think it's time for the
old Kevster to put a sock in it

and let the grown-ups talk.

But if you'd like to be useful,

maybe you could try to
figure out where we are.

If it will be useful.

Well, it would be.

Okay.

Penelope, you just sent
little "Cabin" into the woods.

Yeah, yeah.

He acts like he knows
everything, but he doesn't.

He's really just
like a little child.

- Yeah.
- He is a little child.

Okay... But that wears off.

Right?

His bedroom was like nothing
I've ever seen before.

Because of the wallpaper?

No, 'cause of power.

At one point, the map pulsed like it
was in the presence of real knowledge.

Okay, but that's not because
of him. He knows nothing.

Guys, I know where we are.

Come on, come on!

Okay.

- Well, let's go.
- Mm-hmm. I, um...

Check it out, guys.

It looks like we're in what became
Mexico, in the Classical Maya period.

Uh-huh, and what is
there to steal here?

Do you always have to steal?

Isn't it enough to experience
these incredible civilizations?

Stealing is our calling.
Stealing throughout history.

Proving ourselves to those who
doubt us or under appreciated us.

Your parents?

Or the Supreme Being.

Or the Ultimate Goodness,
as he called himself.

Yeah, he created us
and everything else.

Well, if he's all goodness,
and you stole from him

and you're on the run from him,

doesn't that mean
you're the bad guys?

Yeah, so you better watch
out. Okay, everybody.

We have to be stealthy but
fast, so employ the scurry.

- Yes.
- And scurry.

Scurry.

- Wait.
- Wait.

- Stop and huddle.
- Wait. Huddle.

Here's the thing:

I read that the Maya will
select certain people

and give them the
time of their lives.

- Yes! This is so good.
- Goody.

No, that's not the thing.

They would burn them, peel their skin
off, then they'd cut the head off.

Then they'd open the guts,

then they'd put the head
in where the guts were.

Then they'd take the guts
and shove it on a tree,

take the fingers off and put
them in the mouth of the head.

And then they'd, like, cut the ears off,
and then sacrifice them to the gods.

- What? No. Is that true?
- Oh, no.

Anything else you wanna tell
us about them, Mr. Downer?

They liked cocoa.

I like cocoa.

Oh, we will be getting
cocoa and more.

- Oh, yes.
- Stay alert.

We don't wanna get
caught by the guards.

- And scurry.
- Scurry.

Instantly caught.

- Run?
- Who, us?

Well, I meant us,
but you could too.

- We all could. We all could.
- Who are you?

Okay, well...

Are you from a neighboring town?

- Yes.
- No.

No. No. No.

Are you then, uh, strangers?

By "stranger," you mean
"someone you don't know"?

Of course that's what I mean.

Well, what I always say is,

"A stranger is really just a
friend you've never met yet."

That's what I always say.

Oh.

- You really always say that?
- I do that. I do do that, yeah.

Ooh, I'm so delighted that
you guys are strangers,

as we Maya, we're very
welcoming to strangers.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Big time.

My future friends, you have
to come and meet the queen.

Ooh.

Yeah. She loves strangers.

To sacrifice.

What?

Don't listen to him.
He's an idiot.

- Sorry.
- Kids.

Follow me.

Move.

Everybody, stop what you're doing.
Look, I found strangers in the woods.

Look, there's a big one and a small one.

Thank you.

Welcome, strangers.
So lovely to see you.

Oh, thank you.

- Yes. Hello.
- Come, please. Have some avocado.

- Thank you.
- Thank... Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Hi, I'm Judy.

That is very kind of you.

There are some
tomatoes going around.

- Thanks.
- Hey, Widgit? Hey, hey.

See? Very hospitable. Yeah.

Finally, I'm... we're being
treated like I... we should be.

- Yeah.
- Right?

All right. Guys, it's time
for you to meet the queen.

- Follow me, follow me.
- Okay.

Come
to the palace.

Look how great and big it is.

Welcome, my strangers.

Please bow to our
queen, Lady Sak K'uk'.

- Oh.
- Hello.

Welcome, welcome, strangers.
Lovely to meet you.

- Hello, Your Highness.
- Hi.

- How are you doing?
- Lovely.

You hungry, big guy?

Oh, yes, I'm...
I'm always hungry.

Then let's have some food.

No, no, no, no. I do the
clapping. But let's feast.

Huddle, huddle. Okay,
here's the plan:

Over dinner, everyone split up and
get intelligence on what to steal.

- Mm-hmm.
- And look for the guard's weak points.

- Weak points. Okay.
- Yeah.

- Kevin, just don't mess this up for us.
- How would I do that?

I feel like that's just
sort of your thing.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- It is your thing.
- So don't. Got it? Let's go.

I don't know what this delicacy
is, but it's absolutely stunning.

- There you are.
- Having a good time?

- Huh? The best time, huh?
- Yes.

- Yeah, a lovely time.
- Have more food.

- More food? That's my favorite food.
- Nosh.

I'm trying to be more assertive,

and I would love to know
how you run this city.

Mmm. It was quite easy,
honestly. It's very boring.

I don't think it's boring.

And selfishly, there's, um,

a possible opening at my place of
work for a leadership position,

and, you know, you're a
successful female leader.

I w... I would love any tips at all
of how to crack the glass ceiling.

The what ceiling?

Glass. It's like
see-through sand.

You know, like...

I'd be happy to teach
you everything I know.

But tonight, we feast.

Could you tell me what it's like

to be one of the most advanced
civilizations in terms of communications?

I don't know.

Another question:

Is there a ceremonial reason that we're
sitting at a separate, smaller table?

It's the kids'
table. We're kids.

I will give you one
bit of advice though:

Keep making decisions.

Waiting for things to happen
is the death of leadership.

Find your purpose.

Take that leap.

"Take that leap."

What would you say is
the most valuable thing in this city?

Oh, the people's
sense of togetherness,

- huh?
- Mmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- What about an object?

Ooh. The
magnificent pyramid.

- Uh-huh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And something smaller
maybe? Fit in a bag or...

Oh, man.

Well, there's a lot of precious
things in the city treasury.

Maybe you would
like to go see it?

Bingo.

You know, I'm going to be the
actual king in a year, when I'm 12.

Soon I will be sitting
at my rightful place:

The head of the table.

Not bad.

My mom's in charge still.

Is that one... The one
in red, is she your mom?

No, she's a bandi...

No, my mom's not cool at all.

But you have to respect them.

You know, my mom has made
so many sacrifices for me.

I see.

- Oh, yeah. So many.
- Excuse me.

I've discovered the guards'
weakness: They're too nice.

What does it mean?

It means the guards,
they're just too nice.

That's
what I said, yeah.

Guys, guys, guys,
we need to leave.

Kevin, see, this is the grown-ups'
table. Go on back on the kids' table.

We are being prepared
for a sacrificial ritual.

What? Why?

You're wrong there, "Curly." They're
treating us to the time of our lives,

which is what you said they would
do before they sacrifice us.

Oh, no. Stop eating.

But why
are you still eating?

I can't stop. I
know, but I can't.

Okay. I have intel.

Kevin says they're
preparing us for sacrifice.

He also said they're gonna
peel our skin off afterw...

Stop.

- They'll fatten us up...
- No.

...and then they gonna
put us in the sacrifice.

No, they're going to be
taking us to their treasure.

- Oh. No.
- Stop eating it.

It's almost
too good to be true.

Maybe 'cause it is
too good to be true.

That's what I s... I just
said it's too good to be true.

Yeah, it is too good to be true.

Yes, and that's what I said too.

But I mean in a bad way.

Oh.

All right. Everyone, calm down.

Kevin, can I have a
word with you, please?

- We need to escape.
- Yeah, just a quick word.

Mmm.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to warn you.

No, you're undermining
my authority.

Look at them. They're terrified.

I'll just have a bit more
while they're talking about it.

I'm trying to help you, or
we'll all be sacrificed.

Listen, you just
stick with what you do best,

and I'll stick with
what I do best.

And what's that?

Being the... Not the leader,
but the one in charge.

I meant, what do I do best?

Uh, well, I don't know. I'm
sure you're good at something.

My mom and dad say
I always do the wrong thing.

Maybe I'm the best at that.

They say that to you?
Out loud like that?

Well, you are wrong about
the Maya preparing...

...the Maya
preparing us for sacrifice.

But, I mean, I'm sure you're
not wrong about everything.

Feels like it sometimes.

Maybe when we take you home, you
have a talk with your parents.

Really? With you too?

With...
Not with me, no.

Oh, I don't know them, so you
can talk to them yourself.

Okay.

Thank you.

Welcome. Come in. Don't be shy.

Here are some of our most
valuable possessions,

passed down through generations,
like this headdress.

Ta-da.

What's the resale
value on that then?

- Value? It is priceless.
- Ooh.

Note that.

Priceless.

Anyhoo, follow me.

Look at all of these
beautiful pieces.

They're all made by hand.

Oh.

- Note that.
- Yeah, yeah.

And this is my favorite piece.
It is a carved jade toad.

Hmm.

Penelope, a word.

Yes?

No.

Explain this.

Don't steal from me.

Don't steal from them.

I'm not leaving here
without something in my bag.

Put that back, young man.

I'm so sorry. If
you wanna... Just kidding.

You listen to me!

I read that before
being sacrificed,

the Maya will treat people to feasts
and give them the VIP treatment,

then dress them up in fine clothes before
taking them to the top of the temple

and killing them in a ritual.

Oh, you're killing
me in boredom.

They haven't done any of those
things except for the first two.

- Hey, friends.
- Hey.

Next, we thought we'll
dress you in fine clothes.

Then we're gonna take you to the
top of the temple for the ritual.

- You're right.
- Uh-huh?

Thank you. No.

- You?
- No, I'm fine.

- The boy was right.
- Oh.

They're preparing us for sacrifice.

- Be cool. Be cool.
- What are we gonna do?

Escape somehow. I'll get Judy.

- How long have you known each other?
- This is my son.

Yeah, it seems like you
guys know each other.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This has been sublime,
but we have to go.

- Come on, Judy.
- Wait, what?

I still have more
treasure to see.

- Mm-mmm.
- Wink.

No... Ooh, don't say it.
You're a sacrifice.

Are you guys okay?

We're having a great time.

Oh, fantastic. We're gonna take
you to the top of the pyramid.

- Mm-hmm.
- We have a beautiful ritual

we would love for
you to partake in.

To partake in human sacrifice.

Now do you get it?

Okay. Scurry.

- Scurry.
- Scurry.

Run for your lives!

Can we run slower? We're
gonna stitch.

Oh, yeah. Let's run for our
lives slowly. Good idea.

- There's a portal nearby.
- How close?

- I don't know.
- Oh, my God!

Widgit,
they're closing in.

- I can't stop! I can't...
- Cliff. Cliff. Cliff.

Cliff.

- Oh.
- Afraid.

Okay... Uh, we have to
swing across with the vines.

Judy, let me go first.
It might not be safe.

- Bittelig, that's a snake!
- What? No!

- Oh, sorry. My mistake. Just a vine.
- God.

- Have you ever seen a snake?
- I admit, I have not.

All right. Bittelig, through.

Oh,
no, it's not gonna work.

No.
Okay. Cliff huddle.

Now what?

Susan would've
jumped off a cliff.

She did. That's why she's dead.

Oh, right.

Thoughts about Susan?

I miss Susan.

They're right behind us, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. That's them, yeah.

- Well, should we turn around?
- Hi.

- Hi, strangers.
- Hello.

Hi. Hey.

- There you are.
- Hello.

You went the
wrong way to the temple.

Well, hi.

You guys almost ran off
before we did the ritual.

Very naughty.

We cannot do this without you.

We need you here.

Uh-oh.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

This way. This way, this way.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, dear. All right. Well...

Um...

Spare my friends!

Take me instead! I have
lived! They're innocent!

Take your knife,
stab me in the guts,

remove my perfectly moisturized
skin and my characterful face.

Put it on top of
one of your poles.

Slay me. Flay me.

I offer my...
No, can't do it, guys.

I'm sorry. I can't do it. I
can't do it. It's too much.

I am freaking out now.

- Can't do it. Sorry.
- Is he okay?

I was offering myself for the
ritual, but I've changed my mind now.

I'm very sorry.

The eating-the-fruit-
and-watching-the-sunset ritual?

- Eating fruit?
- Eating fruit?

Oh.

Yes. We come up here
and watch the sunset,

eat some fruit, have a chat.

Oh.

Doesn't sound too bad.

Well, that's different.

Your Majesty, you are not
going to believe this,

but we... we thought that the
Maya took part in human sacrifice.

Sacrifices?

Oh, I-I think she means when we
leave out maize for the gods.

Yes. That... That is what I mean, except
instead of "maize," I mean "people."

And instead of "leave out,"

I mean "ritually flay them and
wear their skin inside-out."

Why would the gods
who protect us want that?

Yes. "Thank you, gods.

We want to wear some
human-flayed skin for you"?

Doesn't make any sense.

Where did you hear that?

- Kevin.
- Hmm.

Mmm, "Curly."

Um, Wikipedia.

Uh, is he a historian of
renown, uh, this "Wikipedium"?

Where did this "Wicked
Petey" get his information?

It's actually from
accounts of invaders.

Don't listen to what invaders
say. They can make anything up.

I mean, when I invade a people,

I wanna make them seem
worse than they are.

I say, "Hey, they have snakes
for legs, and they eat kittens."

And then people are like, "Ah,
yeah. I see why you invaded them."

Uh, so the people didn't really
eat kittens in the other village?

But we attacked.

Mm-hmm.

Should've known not to
trust a secondary source.

Might I just say, from our perspective,
it is rare to come across a people

who are so peaceful and welcoming and
don't kill other people all the time.

- We do kill people sometimes.
- Mmm, yes, darling.

But those are marauders,
invaders, snake-legs, and thieves.

You kill thieves?

Oh, yeah. Big time.
We hate thieves.

- Oh.
- You hate, uh, bandits?

Yeah, we... we behead bandits.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

You're not bandits, are you?

- Oh.
- No.

You guys didn't steal
anything, did you?

- No, no.
- No?

No, no, no.

So, who are you really?

We are... We're strangers.

- Strangers.
- Mm-hmm.

We wanna thank you for your hospitality,
but we need to be on our way.

- Stop.
- Huh?

Check all their little
bags and pouches.

Check them.

- Guards.
- I don't have any of them.

It's just a vase.

Uh, pockets.

- Just a vase here. Look. Yeah, yeah.
- Nothing.

It's just vases.

I saw her put
something in her bag.

- Avocado.
- Oh, it's just an avocado.

- Oh, phew.
- Oh.

Actually... Wow, we really
do... We have to go.

So, thank you again.

- Mmm. Thank you.
- Let's... Team, let's go.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Thanks very much.
- We thought it was all-inclusive.

- They were nice.
- They're so lovely.

Secondary source.

What must everyone think of me?

I'm not cut out to be a
time-traveling bandit.

- Well, this is not for everyone.
- Well, it's not just your fault.

Widgit and Penelope also made
their customary mistakes.

Oh, thanks, Judy, for
your customary support.

All right, Widgit. We've
got to get him home.

So, what are we doing back here?

Well, the map says the
portal is somewhere here,

but it's... it's not, is it?

- Mmm. There.
- Where?

- Oh.
- That's very far away.

- Oh. Goodness' crisps.
- Oh, it's a long way down.

In Troy, Cassandra said I'd
jump with you off a cliff.

Yeah, well, she's not
to be believed, is she?

- Well, I'm not jumping off.
- I'm not jumping.

I'm gonna listen
to Lady Sak K'uk'.

I'm taking the leap.

- Kevin?
- Oh, me too.

Widgit.

- Oh. All right.
- Oh, I'm feeling kind of nervous now.

I know I was wrong about the Maya,
but I think I'm right about this.

Fine.

Ooh, says here
this show is very good.

Says here you cannot
take your eyes off it.

Yeah? Says here the second
episode drops off a bit.

Mmm.

Oh, it says that in the third
episode, they kill someone off.

I hope it's that
awful woman. What was she in?

I'll look it up now.

No, no, no,
don't look it up.

- Why not?
- We'll do a quiz.

Fianna... it is time.

Stop laughing. Don't laugh.

It's evil, therefore
it's serious.

Sorry, master.

Kevin, you playing video games?

Good, Kevin. Very modern.

Right.

Well, this is it, your bedroom.

We're here exactly one
moment after we left,

which is strange 'cause that's
actually what I thought would happen.

Everyone, keep quiet.

That was close.

Okay.

Well, young man, "Cas"...

- Kevin.
- Yes, that's right.

This is where we say farewell.

May I say something?

- Yes, yes.
- Just go on then.

Make it quick.

Uh, I would like
just to take a moment

and say thank you all for this
amazing once-in-a-lifetime adventure.

For a brief moment in my life, I
felt like I was part of a team.

But you know, this is a team of bandits,
and you're very judgy about bandits.

That's true. You are.

Are you bandits though?
You didn't steal much.

Um, that reminds me.

- Um, this belongs to you, and... and this.
- What? That's mine.

- Oh, yeah, um, this.
- How?

I took this.

Uh, yeah, it was
broken when I found it.

I took this as well.
It's a bit dirty. Sorry.

- I don't know what this is.
- Plastic.

I took it from you when I
didn't know you. I do apologize.

Kevin, who are you talking to?
Have you got visitors up there?

Uh... ...nobody?

Obviously not. I was joking.

- Of course he doesn't.
- Stop talking to yourself and go to bed.

Yeah, go to bed, love.

What else was she in?

- Um... You know, you know...
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, oh...

Yeah. God, what was it?

- That movie.
- I'll look it up, I'll look it up.

Adieu, mon frère.

- I'll miss you.
- Kevin, thank you for the knowledge.

Yes, the little information
that you did give us was,

uh...
...sometimes helpful.

Yes, about the horse.

Yes, all right.

Well done.

I'm gonna submit a review of it.

Yeah, you should.

Who in the devil are you?

- Oh!
- What was that?

- Mum! Dad!
- Kevin!

No, no. Stop.

Kevin.

Oh.

Kevin, don't look.

Oh, you did.

Oh, Kevin.

- Mmm.
- They've been coaled.

Turned to coal. Sorry, Kevin.

This is Mum and Dad?

It happens. Demon stuff.

Yeah, I do not want
to get coaled. No way.

- Hurry up, Kevin! Hurry up!
- Widgit, the portal!

Yeah. That's it.

- Portal's not opening.
- Ask it to open.

Could you please
open upon our request?

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

- Are my parents dead?
- Nope.

Well, they're not well.
Let's just say that.

Take a breath, man!

Clear your mind.
Think of nothing.

Now think of something
nice, and try again.

And open the door.

I've done it!

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

- Let's go.
- See you later, Kevin.

- Wait...
- Okay, go.

Firestorm, please.

Can I save my parents? If I go
back in time, can I save them?

Uh...

Oh, for goodness' sake.
You're coming with us.

Let's go.

- Jaspers. Jaspers.
- Uh, yes, sir.

- Yes, Supreme Being?
- I need to get out of this thing.

It's too hot. Come on,
help me get it off.

Okay, one, two, three.

Thank you. I've
had a hell of a day.

Those bandits got away again.

- What?
- Again?

- Platypus?
- Yes, keep the platypus.

I love a platypus.

I need that map back.

Those bandits are traveling through
time and not locking portals.

Beetnanas?

Beetnana... A
beet... What's a beetnana? No.

- Which means?
- Which means that the doors

are flapping open willy-nilly
all over the place.

- Today's prayers, sir?
- Um, no, I'm sorry.

Not at a time like this, Helen!

An open portal could lead to
all sorts of disastrous things,

like anachronisms and paradoxes
and anomalies... anomalies.

That sounds bad. How about
a cup of cherub spice?

I'd love a cherub spice.

Here you go, sir. This
will help calm you down.

Thank you, thank
you, thank you. Mmm.

- What is th... Hey, who are you?
- The cherub.

You're the cherub, and
this is your spice?

It sure is. Would you,
uh, like a top-up, yeah?

I would not like a
top-up. Thank you though.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you for this delic...

Get rid of him. Okay. Come
in here, guys. Come in here.

Now, this is top secret...
Out, out, out! Get out of here!

Okay, this is the thing
I wanted to show you.

Mm-hmm?

It's my super, super, super,
super-duper cool new project.

I can't wait to tell everyone.

Uh-huh. Well, which
leads me to...

it's also super, super, super...

and I cannot stress this enough,
you two... super-duper top secret.

Oh.

No one can know. You hear me?

- Say it.
- No one can know.

In unison.

No one can know.

- You hear me?
- We'll work on it. Okay, show it.

No way.

Oh, ew. That...
I... That is definitely urine.

And remember, not
a word to anyone.