Original subtitles

You and your friends are in a lot of trouble.

What do you want?

Who is he?

Who's who?

You bring in new blood, I should know about it.

They're still my people.

What are you talking about?

The American.

What American?

Yo, don't treat me like an idiot.

Man still connected in this, you know.

Hey! Will you remember who you're talking to?

Sorry.

I don't know anything about any American.

So what have you heard?

Stop. Please stop.

Let him go. Let him go!

Who's the American?

What American?

Let him go!

Fine, we'll tell you.

We were introduced to someone by our lawyer.

Who?

He's an old guy from New York.

All we know is he's found a way

to bring uncut coke into the country.

And what does he want from you?

He was looking for distributors.

We offered our services.

Without telling me?

This is our thing.

None of my people do business under my nose

without, A, telling me,

and B, cutting me in.

Come on.

I want to meet this American.

Dad, lunch is ready.

Be right there, darling.

The community centre grand opening is in two days' time,

and I can confirm in attendance will be His Highness,

the Lord Mayor of Bristol, and his wife.

So it is of vital imperative... ness

that the whole day goes without a hitch. Capiche?

I have assigned each of you tasks to be completed

on the day to the utmost of your abilities.

You two, car park supervision.

You two, the sweet treats stall.

I'm taking control of the community centre.

I'm receiving the keys from the mayor.

Yeah, well, until then, I'm Billy Big Bollocks around here. Capiche?

Since when does she say "capiche"?

Since she watched Goodfellas last night. Ah.

Notice there are two Portaloos, yeah?

Portaloo one is for plebs.

This one...

Very important pees only.

Very important persons, plural.

The only people I want to see doing their business in here

is the Lord Mayor and/or his wife.

You want to see them doing number ones or number twos in there?

Both. Happily.

So the VIP latrine is now padlocked.

I'm entrusting the key to you,

because you're a member of the landed gentry,

and therefore know how to respect a toilet.

You and I are the only persons authorised to grant access.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I get the keys to the VIP shitter.

Hey, no. I don't want any salty language in front of the Lord Mayor.

What about his wife? Especially not his fucking wife.

Oh, Sergeant Haines.

Diane, can I have a word?

Ma'am.

If Sergeant Haines needs a dump, let her use the posh crapper, OK?

Excuse me.

Through here, ma'am.

You were right.

I believe the preparation and selling of illegal drugs

has been going on here, and I think it involves your offenders.

I reckon we take 'em down right now.

Well, right now, I have no concrete evidence.

Happy to smack it out of 'em old school.

I know for a fact that beanpole's a crier.

I just need you to keep your eyes peeled

and report anything suspicious to me.

Are you officially deputising me?

I don't have authority to officially deputise you.

How about deputise me unofficially?

That would be meaningless,

and give you literally no legal authority whatsoever.

But will you... do it?

I unofficially deputise you, yes.

Remember, eyes peeled. Report anything suspicious.

I won't let you down.

Who got married?

My ex Lara.

Oh. Are you OK with that?

Today is not about me, Greg,

it's about you getting a promotion.

Come on, what are you going to do when you get in to work?

Well, I'm going to walk into my boss's office... Ah, wrong.

You are marching into your boss's office... Am I?

..with total confidence and you're going to give it to him

with both barrels. Go. Excuse me, sir, sorry to bother you,

but I have worked here 11 years, so would you please contemplate

the possibility of considering making me a partner, please, sir?

That was both barrels? Oh, yeah, baby.

No, Greg, you are marching in there and you are saying,

"If you don't make me a partner, I am walking out that door"

"and I ain't coming back."

And then, you're going to march up to Anne-Marie

and you're going to take her for a drink,

before you bring her back here and you bang her brains out.

On this counter, on the couch, against the wall, on the carpet.

Generally around the flat, I get the idea, yeah. Yeah.

Go get 'em.

No, like this. I can't do it. You can do it.

I don't want to play the trumpet.

Well, you're going to play the trumpet, OK? I don't want to.

What is going on? I played the trumpet when I was your age, OK,

and I loved it. I loved it.

Till your grandfather told me it was for fairies. What's going on?

Effie's going to learn to play the trumpet to a very high standard,

and she's going to get a music scholarship,

and that's going to pay for her school.

OK, one more time, like this. I don't want to.

Just blow the bloody trumpet! John!

You don't have to play it, darling.

Daddy's just kidding. Aren't you?

Yep.

Sorry, darling, it's just Daddy's little joke.

OK, enough.

What is going on with you?

Talk to me.

I'll just go check on her.

Sir, I've worked here for 11 years,

and I really feel it's time you made me a partner.

Come.

I have a Zoom in five, so make it quick.

Sir, I've been working here for 11 years,

so... I really feel...

..it's time that...

..we had a casual Friday. No, I don't like 'em.

Fine, just wanted to bring it up. My door is always open.

But close it on your way out. Thank you.

I ain't telling you nothing unless I have it in writing.

Immunity and early release is a big ask.

So is snitching on The Dean.

I have to speak to the CPS, and that takes time.

You don't have time.

Something big is going down that'll nail The Dean to the wall.

I'd hate for you to miss it.

What's going down?

Immunity and early release in writing.

Yo, Margie, I'm stepping out for a bit.

Margie, it's been made safe.

Oh, well, then, I don't know why I'm so upset

that my six-year-old daughter found a gun in our house.

OK, here's the thing.

Me and a couple of others found a bag of money

doing community service.

I mean, a lot of money.

And instead of going to the cops, we kept it.

Tom found my cut,

threatened to burn it and hid it,

but I found it, and I was going to split to Brazil.

Instead, I paid off your mortgage.

Now, it turns out the money belongs to this drug dealer,

this real bad guy,

who threatened to clip us if we don't deal drugs for him

to pay our debt, but now he wants more.

And if we go to the cops, we incriminate ourselves.

So we figure the only way to get him off our backs

is to send him down ourselves.

Our plan is to get him pulled over by the cops

with ten kilos of cocaine in the trunk of his car,

but he never handles product himself,

and he never leaves London,

so we're using this grift called the brass bunkum,

which involves a gun.

Goodnight, Frank.

That's the whole truth, Margie, nothing but.

Oh, I believe you.

You sure you're OK doing this?

I am one of the world's great gift wrappers, Greg.

I mean being around all this cocaine.

Oh, how did it go with the promotion and Anne-Marie?

I've got to get going.

Well, good luck.

You OK?

I'm fine.

Let's do this.

May I introduce, from New York, Mr Ralf Rostelli?

Ralfie. Call me Ralfie.

You want something?

From the minibar?

We got tiny whiskies,

tiny vodkas, full-sized Pellegrinos.

No, thanks. What about nuts?

Got eight different kinds of nuts here.

I'm here about your requirements.

All business, this guy.

When I met these two, we had a drink, broke bread,

I got to stare 'em in the whites in their eyes.

That's how we do things where I come from.

I'm here for new business, Mr Rostelli, not new friends.

Ralfie, call me Ralfie.

Open your shirts.

Pardon me? You think I'm wearing a wire?

Open your shirts.

Screw you, open yours.

Lay a hand on me, I'll break every finger on it.

In all five boroughs of New York, I am known.

Ask anybody about Ralf Rostelli out of New York, they'll tell you.

Our business here is done.

Mr Rostelli, please, wait, sir.

I ain't dealing with two-bits, don't show respect.

So long.

Please. Apologise.

Fuck him.

This guy's product makes yours look like Shake n' Vac.

It's mad pure.

You want this deal.

I apologise.

We just have to be careful.

I'll have the pistachios, please.

That's better.

OK, he'll be gone for 30 minutes.

You sure? I ran this place for 12 bloody years.

All right, I was only bloody asking.

I don't need your help.

John.

John, I want to tell you something,

because I haven't got anyone else to tell.

I'm on tenterhooks.

Every night when I go to bed, and every morning when I wake up...

..there's someone in my flat with me.

It's that policeman that died in that fire.

Are you saying...

.. "I see dead people"?

No. No, I...

I know that it's all in my head, but...

Doesn't matter.

One of my other clients, a Bristol businessman,

John Halloran, is in hot water financially.

Needs to make a lot of money very quickly.

Now, for years, Halloran's family have been importing

and exporting brake pads through the port of Bristol.

It's a legitimate family business,

so if certain illicit products were included in his shipments,

customs would have no reason to suspect it.

We've got a test run tomorrow.

Ten keys.

Ten keys?

How much are you charging?

Are you out of your minds?

Street value to you is three times that.

I want to meet this Halloran.

I want to sample the product.

Bring both to London and we'll have...

Hey. I made this trip out of courtesy

cos these two said you're the guy, but no more visits.

You want to see Halloran, or the product, you come to Bristol.

I never leave London. Make an exception.

But I don't even know who you are.

I'm Ralf Rostelli out of New York. Who the fuck are you?

When? Where?

Tomorrow, Park Street Hotel, 2pm.

One more thing.

I don't play with kids. These two - out.

But this is our deal. We made this happen.

You're out. Eh? What the fuck?

Nah, man. What's going on?

That's not fair! We made the deal. We're in this.

Reach Up by Perfecto Allstarz

Committed, good.

How 'bout you, young fella? Come on, give it a shot. Guess how many.

Oi! Tabards off.

Face painting here. Do you want your face painted, madam? No?

Get your face painted by a celebrity.

Greg?

Sophie.

This is Greg, my ex-husband.

G'day, mate. G'day.

Good... Good day. Good day to you.

So what do you do, Greg?

I'm a lawyer. Well-paid lawyer. What about yourself?

Professional skydiver.

Is that even a real job?

Yes, it is.

Darling...

..pretty please will you win me another teddy bear

at the shooting range?

Oh, look at you.

Oh, hi.

This is Sophie, my wife.

Ex-wife. And this is...

My name's Dante. Of course it is.

So how did you two meet?

Well, Greggles rocked on over to me after our kick boxing class and...

Woo. Ooh! ..swept me off my feet.

Literally, cos it was kick boxing class.

Nice.

What about you two? Erm...

..we met on a parachute jump.

Her fifth. My sixtieth.

Oh, Christ, that must get fucking boring.

You jump, mate?

Oh, no, Greg tends to play it safe.

Not true. We went inline skating recently,

and I didn't wear kneepads or a helmet.

By inline skating, do you mean rollerblading?

Rollerblade is a brand name,

so you should really call it inline skating.

Like I say, Greg plays it safe.

I'm not going to apologise for respecting trademark law, Sophie.

You should know that about me.

One of the reasons she fell in love with me. Oh, yes. Yeah. Mm.

OK, well, we should get going.

It was nice to meet you.

Yeah.

Aw!

Penny for your thoughts.

I'm thinking I'd still be married if I was more like him.

Darling, you can't pull off tie dye.

I mean the sort of bloke who jumps out of planes.

No, stop it, all right?

That's exactly the thinking that's holding you back, OK?

Asking out Anne-Marie, asking for a promotion.

You don't do things, Greg, because you think,

"Well, I'm not the sort of bloke who jumps out of planes,"

but blokes who jump out of planes only jump out of planes

because they... they jump out of planes.

Who said that originally? Was it the Dalai Lama?

Oi! Less getting acquainted, more faces painted.

Oh, shit.

What you doing here?

I know you're not looking for my approval,

but you made something real happen here,

something valuable. I just...

I want to support that.

Right.

Thanks.

See? The bloody woman.

The one you framed for a crime she didn't commit?

Look, if I have to choose between the individual and the cause,

I choose the cause. That doesn't make you a good person.

You think she's the cancer in your group.

She's not, you are.

How so?

We've sold drugs,

we've taken dirty money, we've threatened people.

For the greater good.

Ends justify the means, do they?

If what we've done ever gets out,

any good your organisation has achieved will be torpedoed.

Yeah, well, I know that, don't I?

There's not much I can do about that now. Wrong.

If you were in the army, you'd be left alone in a room with a revolver

to do the honourable thing.

Come on, guess how many.

Diane.

Oh! I don't feel good.

Help me.

Frank.

Frank!

What is going on?

I felt faint.

I'm good now.

Oh, you've been on your feet all day. You need a little lie down.

I'm good. I'm good.

Diane, permission to take Frank for a lie down?

I'll allow it. Thank you.

Oh, dear, Frank.

Have a lie down.

Oh, oh, got you.

Oh.

There.

Thank you, darling.

Do we have a deal?

Everything you have on The Dean for early release

and immunity from further charges. You won't get a better offer.

Are you signing or not?

You said something big is going down. What?

The Dean's taking receipt of ten keys of pure Colombian cocaine.

Park Street Hotel, 2.00pm today.

Come on, quickly! Quickly.

Better hot step.

Has he arrived? No, no sign of him so far.

Park in here. OK.

Hello, Diane.

Deputy Diane, Ma'am.

Yes, hello, Deputy Diane.

I have eyes on all the offenders, as requested.

All are here, present and accounted for.

Thank you, dep... er, deputy.

Ma'am, I don't know if you're free next Wednesday,

but they're doing a little graduation ceremony

for us PCSOs, and we're allowed to bring a plus-one.

My mum has bingo that night, so she can't attend,

so I just wondered whether you...

I don't think I can make it, Diane.

No, I mean, just to be clear, I'm inviting you as a friend.

This isn't a lesbian thing.

I don't know if you are, not that there's anything wrong...

Don't get me wrong, we've all dabbled.

But just so you know, I am partial to the cock,

if you catch my drift.

I do. But I have to go now, Diane.

OK, roger that. Over.

This guy.

Change of plan.

Halloran is jumpy.

Wants to meet some place with lots of people.

Take the back exit.

Charity car wash. Donate!

Showtime.

I'm not sure I can do this.

You can't jump out of a plane without jumping out of a plane.

Still makes no sense.

Go!

Come on, John.

So good to see you again. Nice drive down?

So, where is he, Halloran?

Oh, he's just popped to the... Over there.

He what?

You wait here, I'll fetch him.

Keep him talking.

What am I going to talk to a drug dealer about?

So were you affected much by Brexit or...?

What's busier for you, Christmas or New Year?

We don't need to talk. No, definitely not.

All right? Yep.

Any deal should be done by now.

What are they doing in there, using the spa?

Diane.

Diane, something awful has come to pass in the VIP latrine.

Well, how did that happen? You're the only one with a key.

I'm so sorry. I've let you down.

Yeah, you have.

Show me the crime scene.

Which room is this man in? Is he a guest at the hotel?

He arrived about 2.00.

I've been here since 11.00. I haven't seen him.

How do we get to the car park? Quick.

Where the hell is John?

Oh, Christ on a bike.

I've identified the matter, and it's just soup.

I repeat, it is not vomit, it's just vegetable soup.

It won't open.

Why is it shut? What?

All right, stand back.

I'm going to try and bash it in from this side, all right?

That seems like a bad idea.

One, two, three.

Never seen Del Boy falling through the hatch?

I don't watch TV. This is classic, everyone's seen this.

Watch, watch.

Just get a bit of a...

You ready? Stand back for safety, OK?

Look at Trigger's face!

He doesn't know what's happened.

You OK?

Yeah.

You've landed on top of the door.

Yeah, I know.

No?

Are you going to try for them birds?

Oh, I told you he was going to fall before you saw it.

I ruined the punch line.

My fault.

David Jason would be furious.

Where's Halloran?

John?

This is nice, isn't it?

Stuff for the kiddies and everything.

You're on! Let's go.

I can't.

We're all depending on you.

I'll just let you down, then, won't I?

I might get a toffee apple. Do you fancy one?

No, thanks.

Look, we all make mistakes,

but this is our chance to fix them,

and then we can go back to our lives.

I don't think I have a life, Myrns.

Three months ago, I had a life.

You know, I had a job, I had a little bit of money,

a little bit of respect.

Now I'm a drug dealer who smokes crack.

I just failed, Myrns.

Dad was right, you know? I'm a failure.

You're not a failure.

I'll tell you what you are.

You're a self-pitying little bitch.

Mm?

You are a middle-aged white man with all the privilege in the world.

Your dad bullied you, so you're scared to show weakness

or ask anyone for help, which means, when the shit hits the fan,

you implode. So, here you are, sitting in the gents',

having a panic attack, instead of sucking it up,

taking responsibility,

and doing your bloody part to help us sort this mess out.

OK, one more time.

Urgh!

That looked like hard work.

It's mainly soup, people.

The only vomit is my own.

Are you sure you don't fancy a toffee apple? No.

Smart. I mean, it looks like fruit, but it's all sugar, innit, really?

And that stuff's like crack. You should sell these.

This is a joke. I'm out of here.

You, come with me round the back.

Shall we do some business?

Huh?

When it's cut, you'll be dealing for months on this load alone.

So, decision time. You in, you out?

No, no, hand it to high pockets.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not driving up to London with product in my car.

Well, then, who is?

You are.

No, no, no. I've done my part.

Listen, I never handle product.

Unless you deliver that to me, I'll take my money back.

Back away from the van and put your hands in the air. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back the fuck up. Whoa!

Wait! What the fuck is going on?

All we want is our money.

Where is it?

Look, we've got no beef with you.

But if you move, we will shoot you too.

Put the gun down. Let's talk.

Fuck you, Ralf.

You shouldn't have kept us out of our own fucking deal.

You know who you're fucking with? I'm Ralf Rostelli out of New York.

And I'm Rani Rekowski out of Bristol.

The deal is off.

The deal is done.

No money, no product.

This is your mess.

I want that product in London by 7.00 today,

or I'll find you and I'll hurt you.

I don't give a fuck if you're Ralf Rostelli out of New York.

Yeah, I need a fix on a grey Maserati saloon heading north

out of Bristol towards London.

Yankee Whisky 20 Oscar Juliett Romeo.

Charity car wash. Donate!

Thank you.

Handsome car for a dreamy man.

How about a donation for my bucket?

Yeah, sure, absolutely. There you go. Thank you.

Thank you, bye. Bye-bye. Take care.

Now, to accept the key,

the new custodian.

A woman who's selflessly devoted her life

to the community she loves so deeply through her organisation,

the Bristol Justice Collective - Myrna Okeke.

This community centre stands now as a beacon of hope

and rejuvenation, helping families, local kids,

people with addiction issues. But when we first saw it,

it was old and decrepit and out of date.

A bit like me.

The same way that this place needed updating,

I do too.

Which is why I have decided to resign from

the Bristol Justice Collective,

and hand this key to someone who will bring youth

and imagination and integrity to the organisation.

Claire...

..if you'd like to come up here.

Hey, boss.

What the fuck is this?

I hereby declare Faircrest Hill Community Centre open.

Please open the boot, sir.

Is there a problem, officer?

I need you to open the boot, sir.

The Met have been after a London drug dealer known as The Dean

for years, but could never pin anything on him.

Yet I've just arrested him with ten kilos of cocaine in his boot.

How did I do that?

I give up. How did you?

This is ten kilos of pure, uncut cocaine.

Was it good cocaine?

Why would I give drugs to a drug-dealer?

I mean, I don't want to tell you your job, but I think,

traditionally, drug-dealers give you drugs in exchange for money.

Isn't that the usual business model?

Back the fuck up! Whoa! Whoa! All we want is our money. Where is it?

You know who you're fucking with?

I'm Ralf Rostelli out of New York!

And I'm Rani Rekowski out of Bristol.

Who is he? Who's who? The American.

What American?

No money, no product.

The deal is done.

I think you put the cocaine in his car.

Where am I?

How would you even go about planting drugs in a man's car?

What kind of car was it?

It's just that I've put cocaine in so many cars over the years,

they all just merge into one.

Charity car wash. Donate!

When were we supposed to have done this?

I've been at the community centre all day.

Handsome car for a dreamy man.

How about a donation for my bucket?

I've been at the... ..community centre... all day.

All day.

Mwah!

I suppose you've been at the community centre all day.

Is that where I am?

All day I've been at... Don't tell me. The community centre?

You are a good detective.

You never let them out of your sight? No, ma'am.

There was no instance where you were otherwise occupied?

No, ma'am.

You're saying, under caution,

that you've had no dealings with a drug-dealer known as The Dean?

I'm saying that if I were a clever and ambitious policewoman

who just caught a major criminal

that the Met Police have been chasing for years,

I wouldn't question how it happened.

I'd take the win.

Chain Gang by Jackie Wilson & Count Basie

Are you all right?

I need help, Ruth.

How'd it go?

It worked.

And you're safe? Are you OK?

I'm glad.

Now I want you to leave.

Huh? I'm not mad, OK? No, I'm past that.

It's just you can't live here any more, you're too dangerous.

There's no more danger. No, you say that,

but it will happen again. It always does.

I'm trying to be a better person, Margie, I really am.

I know I've said that before many times,

and I was handing you a line,

but this time I'm serious.

I want to be here.

I love you. I love my grandkids.

And we love you, and that's why I would like you to go.

I don't... I don't follow.

Well, in a month's time, in a year's time,

you are going to do something to hurt us.

You're going to wind up back inside or let us down some other way,

and you are going to break my kids' hearts!

I promise I won't. You won't be doing it intentionally.

It's not your fault, Frank, it's who you are.

Fucking up is in your DNA,

and when you do that, you cause a lot of pain,

so I need you to leave.

You say you don't want to break your kids' hearts,

but the kids want me here.

Tom will hate you for sending me away.

He will hate you.

Probably.

But I would rather that he was just a bit sad now than devastated later.

Here's your cut.

And, erm... here's the line.

It's a good chunk of change you've got there.

Enough to help you start again.

What you going to do?

Ben and I are going to move to Weston-super-Mare.

Going to open a food place down there.

Is that you, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, good luck.

You too.

You know, you're welcome to see your grandchildren whenever you want,

but, erm... just so you know...

We've spoken to a lawyer...

..and we're suing you for wrongful dismissal,

breach of contract, and workplace bullying,

and we are going to take you for every penny you have.

But don't take it personal, Dad, OK?

It's just business.

I, Diane Pemberley,

do solemnly swear to serve Her Majesty the Queen

in the role of police community support officer.

Sir, I've been working here for 11 years,

so either you make me a partner,

or I walk out that door, and I ain't coming back.

Why did you do that?

You can't jump out of a plane without jumping out of a plane.

What's that mean?

Goodbye, Spencer.

Excuse me.

I'm middle-aged, divorced, and unemployed.

But I think you're terrific,

and I wondered if you'd like to grab a bite to eat sometime.

Well, I could eat now.

Then shall we?

So how long have you been divorced? About 18 months.

Oh, me, three years. Really?

My wife said that living with me was like being trapped down a well.

My husband said that I'm as boring as a Russian novel. Really?

What happened? Why are you leaving?

Did you and Mum have an argument? Is she making you leave?

No. Your mum begged me to stay.

You said you wouldn't abandon us. You promised.

You can't trust what I say, kid.

I'm no good.

Hi. I'm Gabby.

Hello, Gabby.

I'm a drug addict, and an alcoholic,

and I have anger management issues, so... I'm a real mess.

I realised I need help.

An hour ago, I had a bag of cocaine underneath my nose,

but I flushed it down the toilet,

and I can't afford to keep doing that.

I mean, people bang on about the cost of booze and cigarettes,

but the cost of cocaine is scandalous!

Do you know how much a rock costs?

Course you do!

Refreshments and light snacks are available at the rear of the train.

Do you want a sandwich or something? No, I'm good.

Could I have a ham and cheese sandwich, please?

Toasted? Erm... no, thank you.

Any ketchup or mayonnaise?

Erm...

Mustard, please. No mustard. Ketchup or mayonnaise?

Knocked Up by Kings Of Leon

You can't park here unless you have a disability.

I do. My girlfriend's a crippling bore.

Oh, charming! What is that? Just make-up? Yes!

Oi! Stop!