Original subtitles

Kites, ho!

ALL: Kites, ho!

Excuse me.

You're misusing the word "ho."

It's an interjection used to call attention

To a destination, not an object, as in, uh, "Land, ho!"

Or, uh, "Westward, ho!"

ALL: Kites, ho!

Hey, guys. Whatcha doin'?

Going out to discover electricity?

If you're referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin,

He did not "discover electricity,"

He merely used a kite to determine

That lightning "consists" of electricity.

Also invented the Franklin stove,

Bifocals and the flexie urinary catheter.

Kites, ho.

We're heading out for some kite fighting.

"Kite ghting"? Oh, yeah.

It's an extremely competitive, cutthrt sport.

Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low.

On the other hand, severe string burn is a real

And ever-Present danger.

You want to come watch?

, gee...

Sounds amazing.

But, um, I've got some friends coming over.

Not a big thing-- We're just

Gonna watch the Nebraska game.

Oh. Football, sure.

(Sotto ve): Good guess.

I would've invited you, but I know you're not a footbl fan.

, no, I'm not, so... great.

You've got plans

Doing something you like, I've got plans

Doing something I like, so 's good.

Well, maybe we'll hang out later--

You know, after everybody's gone.

Yeah, great.

See ya.

Well, this sucks.

I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off.

Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?

Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him

From her friends because he's a tiny, little man

Who flies kites.

Oh, that certainly would suck.

* Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state *

*hen nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! *

* T Earth began to cool

* The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed too *

* We built the Wall * We built the pyramids *

* Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery *

* Bang! *

Wolowitz is trying to outflank us.

Let out some string, add altitude

And I'll go under and cut his line.

Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?

Focus, Leonard, focus!

The heat of battle is upon us.

The dogs of war are unleashed.

Maybe Koothrappali's right.

Maybe I embarrass her.

You're embarrassing me right now.

A grown man woying about such nonsense

When in the middle of flying kites.

Sorry.

Sorry won't bring their kites down.

Ow!

String burn! String burn!

Oh, they thinkwe're flanking

They're playing righ into our hands.

On the count of three, we execute the flying scissor.

One, two...

Whoa!

Did you see that? See what?

That chick-- She smiled at me.

No, she didn't. Yes, she did.

Come on, scissors, scissors!

Hold my line. Wait.

What are you doing?

I can't scissors by myself! Howard!

Come back!

SHELDON: Victory!

Son of a bitch.

You're a sucky friend, you know that?

A sucky, sucky friend.

What was supposed to do?

She gave me that "come-Hither" look.

If she gave you any look at l. It was a "you suck" look.

I would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy.

Oh, please, you weh 80 pounds.

You don't have a hammy.

So, Penny doesn't want around her friends.

I embarrass her. Whatlse could it be?

Well, her actions

Could be out of concernfor your feelings

Perhaps she's excluded you from these gatherings

Because she's scouting for a new mate

And don't want to do it in front of you.

Oh... how kind of her.

Agreed.

Most primates don't show that sort of discretion.

A female bonobo will copulate with a new male front of the old one

Without so much as a "hodo you do?"

You always do this, you know?

You ditch me for a woman u don't have a shot with.

I totally had a shot. With a woman

You were chasi through a park--

That's not a shot, that's a felony.

What's worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don't suppose

There's any chance you could give me my kite back?

I'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare

Dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor.

And without rules, the competition has no meaning.

And without meaning,

The following would be an empty gesture.

(Tauing): I have your kite. I have your kite.

(Knocking at door)

Hey. Hi.

How was your football party?

It was prettgood. We won. Oh, wow.

That's excellent.

It's a weird figure of speech, isn't it

"We won" when you weren't actually playing.

When we watch Star Wars,

We don't say, "We defeated the Empire."

I'm glad to hear it. Yeah.

Oh, hey, on a related subject,

Are you embarrassed to have me around your friends?

Oh, my god, no.

Why would you ask that?

Well, you know, I just noticed

Sure you have.N't really met any of them.Well...

Yeah, no, I met the huge ex-Boyfriend

And the smBy the way,till larger were they here today?

Of course not. Of course not.

Why would they be? Whwould I ask?

Why am I rambling? Why don't you stop me?

Leonard, look,

If you want to meet my friends, that would be great.

I just, you know, I didn't want you to be bored.

I wouldn't be bored.

Why would I be bored? Well,

'Cause they're not genius scientists.

Penny, I like all sorts of people.

In fact, some ofmy best friends aren't geniuses.

Like who?

Okay, some of my Facebook friends aren't geniuses.

My point is, if we're going to be a couple,

I should be friends with your friends.

Okay, great. Well, then why don't you

Come over next Saturday and watch the game with us.

Another football game?

They have them every week.

Did not know that.

You wanted to meet my friends. Sure.

Su, just I don't know much about football.

Oh, that's okay-- A lot of the guys'

Girlfries don't know football.

They just kind of drink and talk in the kitchen.

Great.

(Football game playing on TV)

Okay, a completepass.

First down, New England.

I think I'm starting to get this.

Really?

The only thing I've learned in the last two hours

Is that American men love drinking beer,

Pee too often and have trouble getting erections.

Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.

I'm just saying, maybe if you people cut back on the beer,

You could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical hp.

J, what are you doing here?

You were supposed to help me pimp outy Vespa.

I'm sorry, are you under the impreson that we're still friends?

(Groans): Ohcome on.

Y're not still grinding on the kite thing, are you?

It's not just the kite thing.

Every time we go some place, you think you can just dump me

Whenever someone prettier comes along,

Even though you don't have a shot with them.

I had a shot with that jogger.

Fine. Paint green flames on your little scooter with her.

It's not a little scooter.

It's the second biggest Vespa they make!

(Door closes)

Are you watching football?

There's no fooling you.

Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there?

All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.

Sacks, sacks...

SHELDON:It's football nom

For when a quarterback is taced

Behind the line of scrimmage.

Huh...

Scrimmage.

SHELDON: The line of scrimmage

Is the imaginary transverse line

Separating the offense from the defense.

Oh.

Sheln knows football?

Apparently.

I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?

Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?

I grew up in Texas.

Football is ubiquitous in Texas:

Pro football, college football,

High school football, peewee football...

In fact, every form of football except the original--

Europeanootball.

Which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.

Unbeliable.

If you're interested, Ilso know all about frying meat

That isn't icken as if it were chicken.

So you could teach me?

Football or chicken-Fried meats?

Football.

I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends

And I don't want to look lik an idiot. I want to blend in.

If you want to blend in with Penny's friends,

I'd think looking ke an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It'll be fun.

That's exactly what my father said.

"Come to the games. watch the games."

Week in and week out from the time

I was five until I went off to college.

Longesseven years of my life.

Please, I'm asking you as a friend.

Are you making this a tier one friendship request?

(Sighs): Fine.

I really appreciate this. Yeah, yeah.

All right, Poindexter, sit wn, shut up and listen.

I'm sorry?

That's how my father always began

Our football conversations.

And if you'd like,

After the game,

When are you going to stop making Con toast?

When I have enough to destroy all the human toast

On the battlestar known asGalactica.

Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's?

What's wrong with a football jersey?

Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

I's the smallest size they had,

Except the one for dogs.

I can't believe they had one for dogs.

Oh, yes.

Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas.

Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel.

My sister found that out the hard way.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Leonard, wait.

Am I correct in assuminghat your attempt to be accepted

To ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way

How would you put it?

Yeah, okay, like you said.

Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble

To go through for intercourse.

Don't you have access to women who will do it for money?

Another accepted usage for the term "ho."

Good-Bye, Sheldon.

Hold on

I believe that social convention

Dictate you not arrive empty-Handed.

Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?

Yeah, no, I'm trying to fit in, not get laughed at.

(Door closes)

What's funny about Cylon toast?

It's open.

Hey, pal.

What do you want? (TV clicks off)

I brought you a little gift.

New kite.

The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang,

Indian fighting kite

That my brother sent to me from New Delhi.

It took me a day to put together and two days to paint.

This is Hello Kitty.

Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse.

Does a Patang?

Wow, you just don't get it, do you?

Buying me something pretty isn't going

To make our problem just go away.

Look, I admit I haven't always been

The best friend I could be.

Y've been a sucky friend, a sucky, sucky friend.

Stipulated.

And you do it all the time.

Last week in the mall at Radio Shack, we were looking

For a phone with giant numbers for your mother,

And I suddenly realize you're not even there.

I know, I know... Getting shot down by the girl at Hot Dog on a Stick. Were you?

But in my defense, she was gorgeous!

And working that squeezer to make the lemonade,

Going and down and up and down.

It was like a free pole dance

Right in the middle of the food court.

You're impossible.

Hey, at least I can talk to women

Without being drunk.

Excuse me, I have selective mutism,

A recognized medical disorder.

You're just a douche.

No. You know what?

Maybe that's what this whole thing's about.

You're not mad at me,

You're mad at yourself.

No, I'm mad at you.

I hate myself, but I'm mad at you.

Fine. You're mad at me. I get it.

How about we go spend the day together?

Just the two of us.

We'll go anywhere you want.

I don't know.

Come on.

Let me take you someplace nice.

I-I do enjoy the La Brea Tar Pits.

Really, now? With the traffic and the parking?

Okay, fine.

The Tar Pits. Let's go.

Oh, why can't I stay mad at you?

(Exclaims)

Go! Go! Go!

Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes!

Are you people watching this?

Is this amazing or what?

Sweetie, that's a highlight

From the '98 championship game.

Oh. Did not know that.

How much beer have you had? None, why?

Oh. I was just kind of hoping you were drunk.

Now we're back live. Okay, yeah.

I can see the difference.

Oh, where's the flag? That's intentional grounding.

Totally. That completely was

A forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete

To avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time

I can't believe they're not

Being penalized with the loss of a down

And by having to move the line of scrimmage

Back to the spot of the foul.

Here, have some pizza, sweetie.

Penny, you know I'm lactose intolerant.

I know. I just need you stop talking.

(Knocking) SHELDON: Penny.

Penny. Penny.

Sheldon, come in. Thank you.

I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.

There's some in the fridge.

You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator.

Staleness is caused by crystallization

Of the starch molecules, which occurs faster

At cool temperatures. On Earth,

We say "thank you."

So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?

"Mimesis"?

You know. Mimesis.

An action in which the mimic takes on the properties

Of a specific object or organism.

Mimesis.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm attempting to communicate with you

Without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you.

Let me try again.

Have the indigenous fauna

Accepted you as oneof their own?

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Oh, I guess so.

Good. Oh, FYI.

After I eat my sandwich, I'm taking Koothrappali's

Patang kite out for a test run.

Would you like to get your delta-Wing raptor and join me?

I don't want to fly kites, Sheldon.

We're watching football here.

I can see that.

I was providing you with an alternative.

A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances.

(Whistle blows on TV)

Oh, look at that.

Indicating he's challenging the ruling on the field.

I hope he's right, 'cause if he'not, it'll cost him

One of his three time-Outs.

You know, Leonard, honey,

I wouldn't mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon.

No, I'll watch the end of the game.

Besides, there's only three minutes left.

Until halftime.

This is just half?

We've been here for hours.

And you're gonna be here for a couple more.

Oh, you're kidding me. No.

Nice meeting all of you.

So, yeah, anyway, that's my boyfriend.

I really like my saber-Toothed cat.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Maybe after lunch, we can go to Marie Callender's

And have some pie.

I'd like that.

(Takes deep breath)

This is turning out to be a perfect Saturday.

Good. I'm glad.

Oh, man. Did you see the way she smiled at me?

Fine. Go ahead.

No. This is our day.

If you want to chase after her,

Chase after her.

Ah, who am I kidding? I wouldn't have a shot with a girl like that.

Don't put yourself down.

You're a very attractive man.

You think so? Yeah.

Absolutely. It wouldn't kill you

To take a Pilates clas with me now and then,

But you have acertain

Yeah, well, it doesn't matter

'Cause she wasn't really smiling at me.

Actually, in this case, I think she was.

Really?

Yeah. Bye.

What a douche.

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