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1
00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:05,560
All right, Raj has played
his phantom warlord card,
2
00:00:06,303 --> 00:00:08,538
and I am going to back him up
3
00:00:08,663 --> 00:00:10,683
with my strangling vines.
4
00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,368
Choke on that, sucka.
5
00:00:15,312 --> 00:00:19,312
Okay, well, then I'll just cut
your vines with my ruby sword.
6
00:00:19,846 --> 00:00:22,006
That's right, I did it. I cut 'em.
7
00:00:26,771 --> 00:00:28,235
I have a question.
8
00:00:29,425 --> 00:00:32,828
Warlord beats troll, troll beats elf,
elf beats water sprite,
9
00:00:32,953 --> 00:00:35,463
and basically everything
beats enchanted bunny.
10
00:00:36,583 --> 00:00:38,365
Unless you have the carrot opower.
11
00:00:39,925 --> 00:00:41,820
Okay, I've got another question.
12
00:00:42,379 --> 00:00:44,043
When does this get fun?
13
00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:48,562
Are we going to talk or are we going
to play "Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah"?
14
00:00:49,524 --> 00:00:51,258
Just play potion card.
15
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:52,426
Which one?
16
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,102
It doesn't matter.
You can't possibly win.
17
00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:58,533
- Sheldon, don't ruin the game.
- How could he ruin the game?
18
00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:00,308
Given the cards
that have been played,
19
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,373
Penny can only be holding
necromancer potions,
20
00:01:02,498 --> 00:01:04,698
which are only effective against
wraiths and day- walkers,
21
00:01:04,823 --> 00:01:06,357
and there are no more left.
22
00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,400
The cards remaining in
the undrawn stack are:
23
00:01:08,575 --> 00:01:12,490
four fire weapons, a troll,
two ogres and the jewel of osiris.
24
00:01:13,248 --> 00:01:14,248
See? Ruined.
25
00:01:16,202 --> 00:01:17,910
Sheldon, that is incredible.
26
00:01:18,427 --> 00:01:21,079
From your vantage point,
it certainly must seem so.
27
00:01:22,011 --> 00:01:24,290
Sheldon has kind of
a photographic memory.
28
00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:26,132
"Photographic" is a misnomer.
29
00:01:26,257 --> 00:01:29,236
I have an eidetic memory,
as I've told you many times.
30
00:01:29,361 --> 00:01:32,799
Most recently last year during lunch
on the afternoon of may seventh.
31
00:01:34,554 --> 00:01:36,637
You had turkey
and complained it was dry.
32
00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:38,763
Well, I guess game's over.
33
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,333
Really? Oh, great.
34
00:01:42,045 --> 00:01:43,136
I mean, aw.
35
00:01:45,121 --> 00:01:47,144
- Okay, I gotta go.
- Why?
36
00:01:47,269 --> 00:01:48,691
Because the last me I didn't go,
37
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:51,485
I ended up playing
"Mystic Warlords of Ka."
38
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:53,537
Not "Ka. Ka-ah. "
39
00:01:55,165 --> 00:01:56,165
Buh-eye.
40
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,120
See ya.
41
00:02:00,516 --> 00:02:02,329
Still can't believe
she's going out with me.
42
00:02:02,541 --> 00:02:03,541
Nobody can.
43
00:02:05,675 --> 00:02:08,001
That reminds me
I have a bone to pick with you.
44
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,699
- What?
- You and I made a pact
45
00:02:10,824 --> 00:02:13,041
that if either of us
ever got a hot girlfriend,
46
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:15,842
that person would have his girlfriend
hook the other guy up
47
00:02:16,012 --> 00:02:17,489
with one of her girlfriends.
48
00:02:17,614 --> 00:02:19,297
I don't remember that.
49
00:02:19,621 --> 00:02:21,678
June 30th, 2004.
50
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,818
Opening day of Spider-Man 2
at the AMC Pasadena.
51
00:02:25,943 --> 00:02:28,204
They only had red icees, no blue.
52
00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:33,512
So you've been with Penny
for like a month and a half now.
53
00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:35,112
Where's my shorty, morty?
54
00:02:36,350 --> 00:02:38,423
Howard, you can't hold me to that.
55
00:02:38,785 --> 00:02:40,480
- Why not?
- When I made that agreement,
56
00:02:40,605 --> 00:02:44,413
I didn't think I'd ever have one.
And I was positive you never would.
57
00:02:46,202 --> 00:02:48,072
Hey, how come
I wasn't part of this deal?
58
00:02:48,197 --> 00:02:50,322
You had left the refreshment stand
in order to indulge
59
00:02:50,447 --> 00:02:53,168
in your customary
preemptive pre-show urination.
60
00:02:54,325 --> 00:02:55,549
So that's how it works?
61
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:58,352
I have a teeny bladder
and I don't get a hot girlfriend?
62
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,156
Yeah, Raj.
That's how it works.
63
00:03:02,884 --> 00:03:03,884
Damn.
64
00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:07,853
Episode 305:
The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary
65
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,921
Sync: Golgi, Jess, Linwelin
66
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:33,950
Can I have a napkin?
67
00:03:34,504 --> 00:03:35,735
I'm sorry, no.
68
00:03:37,275 --> 00:03:38,926
But you have whole bunch of 'em.
69
00:03:39,234 --> 00:03:42,117
Yes, I've moved
to a four-napkin system.
70
00:03:42,797 --> 00:03:46,100
Lap, hands, face
and personal emergency.
71
00:03:47,513 --> 00:03:50,723
If you like, starting tomorrow,
I'll add a guest napkin,
72
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,899
but I'afraid there's nothing
I can do for you today.
73
00:03:57,439 --> 00:03:59,572
Good luck.
That's the face napkin.
74
00:04:01,665 --> 00:04:03,283
So, have you talked to Penny yet?
75
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:04,535
No, I haven't.
76
00:04:04,838 --> 00:04:05,848
Why not?
77
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:08,622
Because I've been busy, I haven't
figured out a way to bring it up,
78
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:11,897
and mostly... and I can't
stress how key this is...
79
00:04:12,139 --> 00:04:14,335
Because I don't want to.
80
00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:17,786
Leonard, a pact is a pact.
You have to get Penny to fix me up.
81
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,887
It's not simple.
What am I supposed to say?
82
00:04:20,012 --> 00:04:22,761
"Penny, do you have any friends
you'd like to never hear from again?"
83
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:25,164
Come on, I'm smart,
84
00:04:25,289 --> 00:04:28,939
I have good job and I have
only three percent body fat.
85
00:04:29,952 --> 00:04:33,048
It's true. I've seen him at the beach.
He's like a human chicken wing.
86
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:35,847
Leonard, come on.
87
00:04:36,428 --> 00:04:38,277
Fine. I'll ask
if she has a friend for you.
88
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,445
Hot friend.
89
00:04:40,237 --> 00:04:41,474
- Right.
- And tall.
90
00:04:41,599 --> 00:04:44,808
I want our kids to be able to ride
space mountain before they're 20.
91
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:47,536
I wanti'll see what I can do.
92
00:04:48,345 --> 00:04:49,663
Sheldon, guess what I heard?
93
00:04:50,236 --> 00:04:52,724
I'd imagine you heard
any number of things today.
94
00:04:52,849 --> 00:04:56,170
When you arrived, you heard
"Hello, Raj. How are you, Raj?"
95
00:04:56,523 --> 00:04:59,335
Since you're wearing a new sweater-vest,
you may have heard "New sweater-vest?"
96
00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:02,301
and possibly, though far less likely,
"Nice sweater-vest. "
97
00:05:03,819 --> 00:05:05,846
Why don't I just tell you
what I heard today.
98
00:05:06,248 --> 00:05:08,372
That would probably
save us some time.
99
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:12,686
Saturday, at comic book store, there's
a "Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah" tournament.
100
00:05:12,931 --> 00:05:15,147
First prize is $500.
101
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,065
If we team up, we'd be unstoppable.
102
00:05:17,235 --> 00:05:18,895
I'm sorry, Raj,
but I have no interest
103
00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:21,320
in playing a game
in which I find no challenge.
104
00:05:21,597 --> 00:05:23,697
- What about the money?
- I have money.
105
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,449
This is other money.
106
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,868
How does it differ
from the money I have?
107
00:05:28,887 --> 00:05:30,079
Half of it will be mine.
108
00:05:30,739 --> 00:05:33,498
Do you need it to buy
a less disturbing sweater-vest?
109
00:05:36,786 --> 00:05:38,457
- Leonard, help.
- Are you kidding?
110
00:05:38,582 --> 00:05:41,911
I couldn't even talk him into giving me
one of his freakin' napkins.
111
00:05:46,843 --> 00:05:48,736
You really are a genius.
112
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:51,466
Not really.
113
00:05:51,887 --> 00:05:53,588
I Googled how to do that.
114
00:05:56,728 --> 00:05:58,649
So, listen...
115
00:06:00,390 --> 00:06:02,890
Have you ever made a pact
with someone?
116
00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:05,072
You mean like a pinky swear?
117
00:06:06,569 --> 00:06:08,619
Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
118
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,675
In the first grade,
my friend Rosie and I
119
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,709
made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.
120
00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:18,085
- You know, from Sesame Street?
- I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
121
00:06:19,052 --> 00:06:21,348
Then we found out
we both wanted Ernie.
122
00:06:21,473 --> 00:06:23,799
We didn't speak against
until middle school.
123
00:06:24,623 --> 00:06:25,634
Over puppets?
124
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,888
The heart wants
what the heart wants, Leonard.
125
00:06:31,404 --> 00:06:33,754
Speaking of what the heart wants...
126
00:06:34,315 --> 00:06:37,577
A long time ago,
I made a pact with Wolowitz
127
00:06:37,702 --> 00:06:39,481
that kind of involves you.
128
00:06:49,715 --> 00:06:51,618
I don't know where
you're going with this,
129
00:06:51,743 --> 00:06:55,628
but tread carefully because it may be
the last conversation we ever have.
130
00:06:58,488 --> 00:07:00,171
Nothing like that.
131
00:07:00,296 --> 00:07:03,284
The deal was that if either
of us ever got a girlfriend,
132
00:07:03,409 --> 00:07:06,133
we'd have her fix the other one
up with one of her friends.
133
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:09,595
You thought a good time to bring this up
would be right after sex?
134
00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:14,207
I sure as hell
wasn't going to bring it up before sex
135
00:07:16,124 --> 00:07:19,563
And during, I was trying to remember
what I read on Google, so...
136
00:07:22,735 --> 00:07:24,946
I'm not hooking Wolowitz up
with one of my friends.
137
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,255
It doesn't have to be a good friend.
138
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:32,603
And you know that deep down inside,
Howard's a really nice guy.
139
00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:35,228
The problem isn't
what's on the inside.
140
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,616
It's the creepy candy coating.
141
00:07:39,798 --> 00:07:41,948
Will you at least think about it?
142
00:07:42,169 --> 00:07:43,545
Just as a favor to me?
143
00:07:46,201 --> 00:07:49,302
Great thing about Ernie,
was he never asked me for anything.
144
00:07:50,656 --> 00:07:52,332
He just gave.
145
00:07:55,219 --> 00:07:56,495
Got it. Got it.
146
00:08:00,598 --> 00:08:02,054
Betty and Veronica?
147
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,903
Sheldon, the new Greenlantern
figurine's coming in tomorrow.
148
00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:10,351
- Want me to set one aside for you?
- Thank you.
149
00:08:10,476 --> 00:08:14,059
You just robbed me ofhe opportunity
to stumble upon the figurine
150
00:08:14,184 --> 00:08:18,188
and make the oh-so-satisfying journey
from discovery to desire to possession.
151
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,083
- I won't set one aside for you.
- But I must have it.
152
00:08:21,483 --> 00:08:24,133
- Okay I'll set one aside for you.
- Thank you.
153
00:08:24,354 --> 00:08:27,731
I can buy all these things online.
I come here for the personal service.
154
00:08:32,219 --> 00:08:34,915
Is the Wil Wheaton signed up
for the Mystic Warlords tournament
155
00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:36,682
the Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?
156
00:08:37,340 --> 00:08:38,934
He lives around here. Big gamer.
157
00:08:39,225 --> 00:08:40,329
Excuse me.
158
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,318
Are you saying that Wil Wheaton
159
00:08:42,443 --> 00:08:46,132
AKA ensign Wesley Crusher
on Star Trek: The Next Generation
160
00:08:46,257 --> 00:08:48,026
is going to be participating?
161
00:08:48,517 --> 00:08:52,322
Sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity
to stumble onto that for yourself?
162
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,120
You don't understand.
163
00:08:55,245 --> 00:08:57,553
Growing up,
I idolizedle Wil Wheaton.
164
00:08:57,678 --> 00:09:00,875
Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory
just like me.
165
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:05,043
Maybe you can discuss that with him
while you're playing in the tournament.
166
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,212
- Sign here.
- I was such a fan
167
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,406
that in 1995,
I traveled ten hours by bus
168
00:09:10,531 --> 00:09:12,553
to a sci-fi convention
in Jakson, Mississippi,
169
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:15,053
wearing my Star Flee Academy
cadet uniform
170
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,771
in order to meet Wil Wheaton
and get him to autograph
171
00:09:17,896 --> 00:09:20,726
my mint in-package
Wesley Crusher action figure.
172
00:09:21,948 --> 00:09:24,417
It'll be ke a reunion then.
Sign here.
173
00:09:24,542 --> 00:09:27,383
My arduous journey,
however, was for naught.
174
00:09:27,508 --> 00:09:30,127
Although advertised to appear,
he did not show up.
175
00:09:30,252 --> 00:09:33,802
It was at that moment,
I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.
176
00:09:35,332 --> 00:09:37,701
Great, you can tell him you hate him.
Sign here.
177
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,176
It might also interest you to know
that Wil Wheaton
178
00:09:40,301 --> 00:09:43,351
currently ranks sixth
on my all-time enemies list...
179
00:09:43,671 --> 00:09:45,210
Between director Joel Schumacher,
180
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,544
who nearly destroyed
the Batman movie franchise,
181
00:09:48,534 --> 00:09:50,659
And Billy Sparks,
who lived down the street from me
182
00:09:50,784 --> 00:09:53,258
and put dog poop
on the handles of my bicycle.
183
00:09:53,663 --> 00:09:55,675
I get it. He's a bad guy.
Sign here.
184
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,804
In the words of Khan Noonien Singh
in the immortal wrath of Khan,
185
00:10:00,428 --> 00:10:01,892
"He tasks me.
186
00:10:02,107 --> 00:10:05,185
"He tasks me and I shall have him."
187
00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:06,822
No doubt, sign here.
188
00:10:06,947 --> 00:10:09,395
"Rom hell's heart, I stab at thee."
189
00:10:12,652 --> 00:10:15,617
All right, Raj,
looks like you're teamed up with
190
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,908
"Die, Wil Wheaton, die."
191
00:10:23,267 --> 00:10:25,791
So, tell me more
about the future mother of my children.
192
00:10:27,137 --> 00:10:29,920
She's adorable, Howard.
I think you'll like her.
193
00:10:30,128 --> 00:10:31,128
Great.
194
00:10:32,002 --> 00:10:34,466
So what did you tell her about me?
Did you mention the body fat?
195
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,369
I thought that would be
a nice surprise for her.
196
00:10:38,494 --> 00:10:40,283
Good, good.
197
00:10:43,796 --> 00:10:47,104
I told her you're an aerospace engineer,
you speak five languages...
198
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,814
Six if you count Klingon.
199
00:10:49,727 --> 00:10:51,608
Girls don't count Klingon, Howard.
200
00:10:52,036 --> 00:10:53,443
- Right?
- Right.
201
00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:57,781
And I told her you have
an unhealthy attachment to your mother.
202
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:00,909
- What?
- I'm kidding.
203
00:11:02,516 --> 00:11:04,788
Another delightful surprise for her.
204
00:11:10,068 --> 00:11:11,768
Sheldon, it's your play.
205
00:11:15,437 --> 00:11:19,424
My enchanted troll bludgeons
your screaming harpy with a cursed mace.
206
00:11:19,549 --> 00:11:20,549
Game.
207
00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:24,421
Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother
when she picks you up.
208
00:11:25,483 --> 00:11:27,983
Or I could just tell her
later tonight!
209
00:11:30,169 --> 00:11:32,191
We pwned them, dude! Up top!
210
00:11:32,472 --> 00:11:33,567
Look at him.
211
00:11:34,511 --> 00:11:37,148
Wil Wheaton, my old friend.
212
00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:40,459
I have chased you
'round the moons of Nibia
213
00:11:40,584 --> 00:11:44,588
and 'round the Antares maelstrom
and 'round perdition's flames!
214
00:11:45,391 --> 00:11:48,261
You keep quoting Wrath of Khan,
but he was in Next Generation.
215
00:11:48,386 --> 00:11:49,949
It's a different set of chacters.
216
00:11:50,074 --> 00:11:51,074
Silence!
217
00:11:53,068 --> 00:11:55,668
How much longer must I wait
for my revenge?
218
00:11:56,005 --> 00:11:57,883
If Wil Wheaton and Stuart
win their match
219
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,720
and we beat lonely Larry and
captain sweatpants in the next round,
220
00:12:02,114 --> 00:12:03,924
we'll face off for the championship.
221
00:12:04,049 --> 00:12:06,983
So, my path
to satisfaction is blocked
222
00:12:07,108 --> 00:12:09,888
by lonely Larry
and captain sweatpants.
223
00:12:11,916 --> 00:12:12,814
Very well.
224
00:12:13,283 --> 00:12:14,933
They must be destroyed.
225
00:12:15,595 --> 00:12:18,235
You have to stop talking like that.
It's really lame.
226
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:19,360
Silence!
227
00:12:26,516 --> 00:12:28,732
So, Penny tells me
you're working as a waitress
228
00:12:28,857 --> 00:12:30,490
to put yourself through grad school.
229
00:12:30,615 --> 00:12:32,667
That's pretty great.
What are you sdying?
230
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:33,752
Microbiology.
231
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:35,894
Oh, cool.
232
00:12:36,275 --> 00:12:37,875
So you could study me.
233
00:12:39,186 --> 00:12:40,595
I don't understand.
234
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,263
Microbiology is the study
of tiny living things.
235
00:12:45,860 --> 00:12:47,655
I know, I'm studying it.
236
00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:52,457
And I said you could study me
237
00:12:52,714 --> 00:12:55,399
'cause I'm a tiny living thing.
238
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:59,034
- It's a joke.
- Are you sure?
239
00:13:04,963 --> 00:13:08,078
Do you like science fiction?
Role-playing games?
240
00:13:08,529 --> 00:13:11,081
Like in the bedroom
or like Dungeons and Dragons?
241
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:12,624
Either.
242
00:13:16,702 --> 00:13:18,338
Gonna be a long night.
243
00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:20,048
It's your fault.
244
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,817
I had to ask.
You didn't have to say yes.
245
00:13:25,111 --> 00:13:27,258
- You like magic?
- Not really.
246
00:13:30,645 --> 00:13:32,768
A long, long night.
247
00:13:36,551 --> 00:13:38,538
I play my endless serpent.
248
00:13:38,663 --> 00:13:40,697
Raj will play ecstatic frenzy,
249
00:13:40,822 --> 00:13:43,321
which means Larry
will have to play chaos overlord.
250
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,241
Then captain sweatpants,
molten river.
251
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:48,229
I play nightshade dryad.
Game, set and match.
252
00:13:52,817 --> 00:13:54,694
Now fetch me Wil Wheaton!
253
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:06,067
Did that guy just say
"revenge is a dish best served cold"
254
00:14:06,192 --> 00:14:07,242
in Klingon?
255
00:14:07,743 --> 00:14:08,893
I believe so.
256
00:14:09,981 --> 00:14:11,631
What is wrong with him?
257
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,700
Everyone has a different theory.
258
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,360
How about computers?
259
00:14:22,559 --> 00:14:23,695
Do you like computers?
260
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:24,864
I use them.
261
00:14:25,179 --> 00:14:26,531
I don't like them.
262
00:14:28,554 --> 00:14:31,815
Puppies?
Where do you stand on puppies?
263
00:14:32,928 --> 00:14:34,678
A puppy once bit my face.
264
00:14:36,054 --> 00:14:37,334
Of course it did.
265
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,907
How about that?
Einstein was wrong.
266
00:14:40,851 --> 00:14:42,925
Approaching the speed of light
doesn't slow down time.
267
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,257
Approaching them does.
268
00:14:48,107 --> 00:14:49,114
Excuse me.
269
00:14:50,199 --> 00:14:51,306
Damn, it's my mother.
270
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,600
- Are you going to answer it?
- I'm torn.
271
00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:55,432
She might be dying, and, you know,
272
00:14:55,557 --> 00:14:57,062
I wouldn't want to miss that.
273
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:02,723
But if I let it go to voicemail,
I could play it over and over.
274
00:15:05,495 --> 00:15:06,965
I know how you feel.
275
00:15:07,370 --> 00:15:08,990
My mother makes me crazy.
276
00:15:09,528 --> 00:15:11,743
Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
277
00:15:12,488 --> 00:15:14,256
Does your mother call
you every day at work
278
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,122
to see if you've had
a healthy lunch?
279
00:15:16,808 --> 00:15:20,752
My mother calls me at work to see
if I had a healthy bowel movement.
280
00:15:25,347 --> 00:15:27,932
Okay, does she lay out
your clothes for you in the morning
281
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:29,511
like you're nine years old?
282
00:15:30,289 --> 00:15:31,555
You live with your mother?
283
00:15:31,724 --> 00:15:33,500
No. That's the sad part.
284
00:15:35,117 --> 00:15:37,269
Rough. Okay, check this out.
285
00:15:37,438 --> 00:15:39,594
My mother made me wear
rubber gloves to kindergarten
286
00:15:39,719 --> 00:15:42,862
so I wouldn't pick up a disease
from the other children.
287
00:15:43,618 --> 00:15:45,871
That's nothing.
I couldn't ride a bicycle
288
00:15:45,996 --> 00:15:49,322
'cause my mother was afraid
I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
289
00:15:51,519 --> 00:15:52,683
You didn't, did you?
290
00:15:52,870 --> 00:15:54,158
Not on a bicycle.
291
00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:55,612
In a Camry.
292
00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:00,458
Corolla!
293
00:16:02,058 --> 00:16:03,545
- More wine?
- I'd love some.
294
00:16:04,384 --> 00:16:05,422
You have to come
295
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:07,433
to Shabbat dinner
at my house sometime.
296
00:16:07,558 --> 00:16:08,495
Why?
297
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:10,051
A catholic girl like you
298
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,428
wearing a big cross
299
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,768
might just give my mother
the big brain aneurysm
300
00:16:13,893 --> 00:16:15,307
I've been hoping for.
301
00:16:18,074 --> 00:16:19,688
Okay, but only if you come
302
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,606
to Sunday dinner at my house
wearing a yarmulke.
303
00:16:23,121 --> 00:16:24,121
It's a date.
304
00:16:25,870 --> 00:16:27,569
Am I a matchmaker or what?
305
00:16:34,498 --> 00:16:35,648
Lava serpent.
306
00:16:36,902 --> 00:16:38,170
Nest of snakes.
307
00:16:39,561 --> 00:16:40,874
Underworld guardian.
308
00:16:41,197 --> 00:16:42,709
Underworld guardian.
309
00:16:43,935 --> 00:16:45,571
We skirmish to the death.
310
00:16:51,313 --> 00:16:52,469
Invisibility spell.
311
00:16:52,639 --> 00:16:53,803
Luminescence spell.
312
00:16:54,202 --> 00:16:55,972
- Water nymph.
- Fire demon.
313
00:16:56,371 --> 00:16:58,790
- Two-headed tiger.
- Three-headed lion.
314
00:17:00,577 --> 00:17:02,270
- Sulphur.
- Brimstone.
315
00:17:03,952 --> 00:17:05,437
Problem, Wil Wheaton?
316
00:17:08,891 --> 00:17:11,328
- Hang on.
- You have two moderate spell cards,
317
00:17:11,453 --> 00:17:14,763
a small rock and a potion of Zancor
which will be about as much help
318
00:17:14,888 --> 00:17:17,285
as an air conditioner
on the ice planet Hoth.
319
00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:19,537
Your only move is
320
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:23,375
to play the potion, lose the skirmish,
and two moves later, the game.
321
00:17:25,093 --> 00:17:26,211
I think he's got me.
322
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,902
The year was 1995.
323
00:17:31,457 --> 00:17:33,760
The place: Jackson, Mississippi.
324
00:17:34,328 --> 00:17:36,578
Having spent ten hours on a bus,
325
00:17:36,703 --> 00:17:38,749
during which I had to twice violate
326
00:17:38,874 --> 00:17:41,225
my personal rule
against relieving myself
327
00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:43,144
on board a moving vehicle...
328
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:48,141
I finally arrived at the fourth annual
Dixie-Trek convention
329
00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:50,328
only to find that my idol,
330
00:17:50,751 --> 00:17:51,833
Wil Wheaton,
331
00:17:52,204 --> 00:17:53,956
decided he had better things to do
332
00:17:54,081 --> 00:17:56,491
than to show up
and sign my action figure.
333
00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:01,664
What?
334
00:18:03,772 --> 00:18:05,558
You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton.
335
00:18:05,862 --> 00:18:06,862
And now...
336
00:18:08,028 --> 00:18:09,801
I have my revenge.
337
00:18:12,407 --> 00:18:15,051
You went to the '95 Dixie-Trek?
338
00:18:16,586 --> 00:18:17,634
Oh, dude,
339
00:18:17,921 --> 00:18:19,983
my grandmother had just died,
340
00:18:20,304 --> 00:18:22,016
and I had to go to her funeral.
341
00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:26,453
Your mee-maw died?
342
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:30,108
That's terrible.
343
00:18:30,427 --> 00:18:31,932
Yeah, it was.
344
00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:35,613
But I'm really sorry
that I disappointed you.
345
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,445
No, no, I understand.
346
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:42,203
If anything happened to my mee-maw,
I'd be one inconsolable moon pie.
347
00:18:44,243 --> 00:18:45,665
I should clarify that statement
348
00:18:45,790 --> 00:18:48,223
by explaining that she calls me
"moon pie."
349
00:18:49,512 --> 00:18:53,047
It's a special relationship, isn't it,
between a boy and his grandmother?
350
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:54,315
Oh, yes.
351
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,121
Great, everybody
loves their grandmas!
352
00:18:57,246 --> 00:19:00,084
Now, come on, Sheldon,
finish him off!
353
00:19:00,991 --> 00:19:03,117
It's okay, Sheldon.
I let you down.
354
00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:04,392
I deserve it.
355
00:19:05,323 --> 00:19:06,519
Potion of Zancor.
356
00:19:08,928 --> 00:19:10,828
What are you waiting for?!
357
00:19:12,007 --> 00:19:13,070
Kill Wil Wheaton!
358
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:15,495
From hell's heart, stab at him!
359
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:20,533
I can't.
360
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,635
Sure you can. Do it! Do it!
361
00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:27,696
I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton,
362
00:19:27,821 --> 00:19:30,098
the man who destroyed my dreams.
363
00:19:30,507 --> 00:19:32,666
But I can't defeat Wil Wheaton,
364
00:19:33,037 --> 00:19:34,978
the man who loved his mee-maw.
365
00:19:39,704 --> 00:19:40,938
Enchanted bunny.
366
00:19:42,594 --> 00:19:44,740
Not enchanted bunny!
367
00:19:47,263 --> 00:19:48,895
I call my mee-maw "nana."
368
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,876
And she's going to be very happy
369
00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:55,485
to hear that my small rock kills
your enchanted bunny.
370
00:19:56,933 --> 00:19:59,249
Game over, moon pie.
371
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,332
I don't understand.
372
00:20:05,947 --> 00:20:07,288
Your grandmother's alive?
373
00:20:07,896 --> 00:20:09,082
You catch on quick.
374
00:20:09,839 --> 00:20:12,325
Come on, Stewie,
let's get our prize money.
375
00:20:15,610 --> 00:20:16,714
That was fun.
376
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:26,975
Wheaton!
28459
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