Original subtitles

Sam seemed like a nice lad.

He was confident, he was funny.

She did seem infatuated with him.

Every weekend they'd be together.

He used to tell me off for being too drunk

and he'd give me drugs.

If I ever pulled him up on bad behaviour,

he'd just say, "This is Bad Sam," the alter ego.

This is a massive red flag.

Sam's temper flips, like this.

SIRENS BLARE

He was like an animal.

They heard me saying "Stop, you're going to kill me."

He has just committed the most horrific of assaults

and he then parades around when

the police turn up, shouting, "I am God."

The paramedic on the scene said he'd never seen such

severe injuries on somebody still alive.

I sat by her bedside, just begging her not to die.

This is the box of letters

and cards that I got from Sam when he was in prison.

I was furious.

She was almost murdered at 18 years old

and there was nothing I could do.

I'd just finished sixth form

and I was getting ready to go to Manchester

for uni in September.

I was nervous to go to university,

because I didn't have any friends coming with me,

but excited.

We'd been to lots of places for interviews

and she'd chosen Manchester

cos all the cool kids go to Manchester,

and I've never known anybody move to Manchester

and not love it.

And I just thought it would suit her, right the way through.

We had a big friendship group, there was boys and girls.

There was quite a few of us going away,

so we'd all just be going out,

spending time with each other before we all left.

One of the boys...

..brought his cousin into the group.

He ended up coming out with us quite a bit.

Sam seemed like a nice lad. He was confident, he was funny.

I enjoyed spending time with him,

speaking to him, getting to know him,

and we just got on.

We were just on a night out in the September.

Someone that we didn't know said,

"Are you two together?" And he just said, "Yeah."

It wasn't like I was asked or anything, it just happened.

And I was like, "OK."

I didn't think much of it at the time.

The fact that they haven't had this discussion yet,

he's almost forced his opinion on to Esther.

"You are my girlfriend now."

He's decided this, therefore it is happening.

And as much as Esther agrees with this,

that could be seen as the first step there of control.

So, this is the Rudd's. This is where we came for our first date

a few days before I moved to Manchester for university.

Feels a bit strange. Like, this is where it all started.

I knew, like, we'd got on together and stuff,

and I was happy to carry on speaking to him,

seeing him and just see what happened.

So it was like I was moving away from home,

not really knowing anyone, but then I knew I had him,

so it took a bit of the pressure off.

My mum helped me prepare for going away.

She was excited for me,

so she got me all, like, my kitchen bits

and, like, food shopping,

things that I'd need when I was away.

I had no concerns about her moving away.

It's only a couple of hours away from home.

And I said, "The worst thing that happens

"is you hate it and you come back home."

So, this is Wilmslow Park.

This is where I lived in my first year of uni.

I was excited to have my freedom in a new,

completely new place

because I knew I was going to meet new people,

have new experiences.

Sam would come and visit me, like, every other week.

So he basically would be staying here, as well, quite often.

And he met my flatmates and everything,

and they all thought he was all right.

While Esther was away at uni, she was texting a lot.

She was texting all the time.

Every message had about 20 kisses at the end of it.

She was in regular contact with me at home.

I was really enjoying university.

I'd made friends with a few of the girls,

but because I had my boyfriend coming up on the weekend,

I didn't make as much effort to see them outside of uni.

Sam didn't really ask about any friendships I was making

or how I was settling in.

It was more, "Are you coming to see me this weekend?"

I knew that Sam was going through to see her regularly

but I didn't realise it was every week,

every weekend they'd be together.

Most of our relationship was basically drinking.

Didn't really do much else.

I would ask occasionally about Sam,

but a lot of the time it was just they'd gone

and got KFC and just stayed in.

I was like, "OK, you're in Manchester, you know,

"there's lots to do."

Given how sociable she is,

it's not like her to be staying in on a weekend.

A few times, the girls from uni would be going out

for food or going out drinking together.

And I did feel a little bit left out,

but I thought, "I've got my boyfriend."

Didn't really think much of it at the time.

Whilst not everyone likes going out and socialising,

the fact that he stops her making any other plans,

you know, it's always, "Let's stay in, let's do things together.

"Let's not go out." He's cutting her off.

He is stopping her making friends

and he is stopping her socialising,

because this is not happening once or twice -

this is borderline every weekend.

A friend that I had at the time, who was a boy,

and we'd always talk cos we were best friends,

and Sam had a problem with that,

and that was the first time, like, I picked up on,

"OK, so he's a bit jealous."

So, I'd tell him, "You just need to chill out."

And he was like, "Well, it's just because I care about you so much

"and you're my girlfriend.

"This is just what happens in relationships,

"you haven't been in that many."

I felt like I was doing something wrong, even though I wasn't.

But I just... I didn't know about relationships,

so, "This is how I need to behave."

This kind of behaviour early on

certainly does ring alarm bells

to me because you don't have two

equal partners in a relationship.

You have one person who's at the helm

and the other who's very much being disabled.

One of my best friends, when I'd go out with her,

we'd just mess on, because we were 18 years old,

like, we were just having fun.

But then the next day he would say,

"You really embarrassed me last night.

"You need to stop hanging out with her

"because it's looking bad on me."

If anything annoyed him when we were out drinking,

he'd storm off.

I'd record it on my phone because I just thought,

"I'm going to show him this in the morning.

"He's going to burst out laughing and just think,

"'Why was I so moody?'"

But he was really angry at the time.

This is a massive red flag.

What we are seeing right now is

the fact of Esther not being able to be who she is.

He is controlling her,

he is controlling how she thinks,

he's controlling what she does.

And the whole time, she just doesn't want to upset him.

She doesn't know what's going to set him off.

My name's Lainley, Esther's best friend.

Been friends for years and years.

She doesn't like to worry people at all.

She would rather deal with something herself

and keep it to herself.

To me, it always seemed like she was happy

and it was a good relationship.

She did seem infatuated with him.

As Sam's behaviour was getting worse,

I just thought this was normal -

everyone's got little problems, but you just get on with it

cos you love each other.

After one time of him acting inappropriately,

he said, "This is Bad Sam," and introduced me to "Bad Sam".

If I ever pulled him up on his bad behaviour,

he'd just say, "That was Bad Sam,"

and just blamed any negative behaviours on the alter ego.

JANE:It's interesting that Sam actually raises this identity,

"Bad Sam", to Esther.

It's enabling him to disconnect from his destructive behaviour.

That is definitely a red flag.

The way I was at the time,

I wouldn't think anything bad would ever happen.

I just thought, "Just let him have his moment,

"and then the proper Sam will come back."

He used to tell me off for being too drunk

and he'd give me drugs to make me sober up a little bit.

That was his way of, like, controlling how I was behaving,

and he was on quite a lot of drugs.

LSD, cocaine, ketamine.

Sam is making Esther take illegal substances.

He is isolating her so much,

stopping her seeing her friends.

He has these public outbursts,

yet she is the embarrassment.

Can you see the gaslighting

and the manipulation and that control?

This is a recipe for disaster.

I finished uni for the year, handed all my assignments in,

and I was just so relieved

and happy to be finished for the summer.

I was so excited my baby girl was coming home.

She had a stack of tickets for all

the things she was going to be doing over the summer.

She knew she was going to have a regular income

because she'd sorted out a job,

and it was going to be a really, really good summer for her.

I was really excited to just see everyone again,

spend time with them, have fun.

Sam was really excited as well, and he was texting me

before we met up together, saying, "I need to get on the vodkas,"

because it was going to be a big night.

The drugs that he told me he was taking that night,

I'd said, "That's going to be bad for you. Don't do it."

And as far as I knew,

he hadn't taken acid yet.

But the cocaine and ketamine was just regular.

JANE HIND:Esther was advising him, it seems, to not take the drugs.

The fact that she was doing that was certainly

Esther being more self-autonomous,

you know, speaking up.

Perhaps somewhere in that he could see she was evolving.

She was not going to be this person who he could fully

100% control as much as he used to.

CLUB MUSIC PLAYS

There was lots of drinks, lots of cocktails,

everyone catching up, everyone seeing each other again,

taking loads of pictures.

It was really good. Really exciting.

I was on a boy's shoulders, my friend,

and Sam's friend had said to him,

"Isn't that your girlfriend over there on someone shoulders?"

And I think that's what made him storm out.

We already know Sam's temper flips, like this.

And he has just taken a cocktail of drugs,

which are only going to enhance that volatile "Bad Sam".

He's stormed out that many times

that I just think it's funny, but I just want to check on him,

check if he's OK,

so I follow him out.

There's a memory of a man shouting from the window

of the house that we were in front of,

trying to get him to stop.

But Sam looks up

and then looks back down and carries on.

He was like an animal.

I've spoken to the people whose house it was in front of,

and they heard me saying, "Stop, you're going to kill me."

SIRENS BLARE When he was arrested,

I was unconscious,

and he was pacing around, saying, "I am God. I am God."

He has just committed the most horrific of assaults,

pretty much leaving Esther for dead,

and then he parades around when the police turn up,

shouting, "I am God."

Who is this man? He's...

He's lost control.

BANGING ON DOOR

VICTORIA:I'm being woken up by banging at the front door.

BANGING CONTINUES

I assumed it was Esther having actually lost her key

and trying to get back in,

because that wouldn't have been the first time.

I got to the door and it's a policewoman

with the lights still flashing on the van.

And that's when everything changed forever.

This policewoman came in and she said,

"Go and put some clothes on, I need to take you to the hospital.

"Your daughter's in the hospital."

And I was...

..not really understanding what was going on.

And I said, "Well, how serious is it?"

And she said, "Well, it's that serious that I'm here telling you

"to put some clothes on. I'm taking you straight to the hospital."

I was just...shaking.

I think I grabbed a T-shirt and a pair of trackies

and just left with the policewoman.

SIRENS BLARE

She was barely recognisable in that bed.

It was just...horrific.

The paramedic on the scene said he'd never seen

such severe injuries on somebody still alive.

Her head was swollen

to, like, three times its normal size.

Her eyeballs, like, the swelling around her eyes

looked like tennis balls under her skin.

Her hair was thick, matted with her blood,

and there was just cuts all over her face.

They've got a breathing mask on her

and she's just this lifeless...

..lump in the bed.

MONITOR BEEPS

I suffered from a broken nose,

broken cheekbones,

my jaw was shattered, and I lost eight teeth.

Every bone in my face was broken.

I actually had an imprint of a Doc Marten on my face.

VICTORIA:We had police liaison people coming to see us,

and they were telling us little bits at a time.

"So she's been assaulted, this has happened,

"we've got somebody in custody."

And then eventually they said it was Sam that had done it.

And I was just...

Devastated isn't a strong enough word for what it was.

My first reaction was,

"I'm going to kill him.

"I'm going to kill him for this."

I remember just scrolling on Facebook

and this article coming up, saying there was

an incident on Marton Road, "Suspected assault,

"area cordoned off by police."

You see it and you think, "Oh, I wonder what's gone on,"

and then you don't think twice about it, really.

Until one of our best friends rang me and said,

"Oh, the incident that happened on Marton Road,

"it was Esther.

"Sam's attacked her and she's in intensive care."

I was just lost for words, really,

in absolute shock, I just burst into tears.

We didn't know what was going on at that time,

whether she was going to be OK. She was in a critical condition.

And you just automatically think, "What if she dies?"

As much as I could, I sat by her bedside,

just begging her not to die.

And there was one...

There was one time, and her brother and sister would come up to visit,

and I could see them out the corner of my eye...

..and I was trying to decide...

..if I followed her, if we lost her,

or I stayed for the other two.

I felt torn.

I didn't want to...

..be alive if she wasn't.

I was saying to the doctors,

"Is there a chance she might never wake up?"

We went into a little side room and he started saying,

like, "We're doing everything we can",

and I said again, "Is there a chance she might never wake up?"

And he just said, "Yes, at this point,

"there is still a chance she might never wake up."

MONITOR BEEPS

VENTILATOR BLOWS

I think I saw her starting

to respond before anybody else did.

Like, she was doing little nods when I was saying, "I need you, Esther.

"You're going to stay with me, aren't you?

"You're going to come back to us, aren't you?"

And she'd do a little nod.

This is James Cook Hospitals.

The A&E is over there, that's where I first went in.

And then I moved to ICU, which is over there.

Then I was downstairs in Ward 26.

It feels strange being back.

I spent so much time here

but a lot of it I can't remember.

And most of it I can only remember cos I'm reminded.

It's only when someone explains what happened to me.

I've got two metal plates in my jaw,

holding that together.

I've got stitches on my nose from sewing my nose back together,

cos it was wide open.

I have a scar on my head,

a scar on my chin where

I'm guessing is where my teeth have gone through.

I've had reconstructive dentistry

to replace the teeth that I lost.

I had to have a bone graft

from my jaw to the roof of my mouth,

so that they had something

to screw some teeth into.

She was waking up a little bit more,

but not an awful lot.

But it's still upsetting

because they have no way of knowing whether or not

she's going to get any better.

Cos it was her brain that was damaged,

and there's just no way of knowing

whether or not that's going to get any better.

When I went in to see her,

all I can remember is just thinking,

"She just looks like a totally different person."

It was more of the way that she was acting and speaking,

it was like she'd reverted to being a child.

It was just like

the lights were on but no-one was home.

She wasn't herself anymore.

And we didn't know if she ever would be.

But I knew I'd be there...

..to help her, to care for her,

to do whatever she needed to have the best life possible.

During my time in hospital,

I was trying to piece my whole life together.

I had memories of a boyfriend,

and memories that I'd been away with someone,

I'd spent time with someone but,

"Why isn't that person visiting me?

"Why is no-one mentioning him? Did I make that up?"

Quite a few times when my friends would come in,

they'd just completely avoid the question

and talk about something else.

Like, "Oh, remember when we did this?"

To, like, switch my mind from being fixed on, "Where's my boyfriend?"

It was really hard to navigate.

How do you tell her what's happened and...

..what's gone on and who done it?

She was already so vulnerable and...

..really finding it hard to process

everything that had went on.

Having to listen to her flashbacks,

having to hear her plead for her life

is with me forever now.

Like, my heart was already broken

and that just finished me off.

When she's going through that, I'm holding her as tight as I can

and I'm trying to reassure her.

And she's still that upset, and it's just...

..it's really upsetting to think of her that frightened.

We went in, like, with nurses and doctors, and...

..sat around the bed with her

and just told her that it was Sam that had hurt her.

And then she just went, "Well, I'm never going to

"want to speak to him again, am I?"

And then just wanted to get on with, "What time's lunch, then?"

Yeah, that was just...it.

For the rest of my life, I'll grieve the girl we lost.

Cos while the Esther I'm left with...

..is absolutely incredible,

she's an inspiration to everybody,

that's not the original.

The attack has had a lasting effect on my memory.

I was just so happy to be back home,

but I still had my occupational therapist coming to see me.

I wasn't able to make a cup of tea,

I wasn't able to make my dinner for myself.

I needed a lot of help,

but I didn't realise at the time why I needed the help.

I'd get quite stressed that I couldn't do things.

She took everything literally.

If she was given an instruction,

then she would follow that to the letter.

She was very, very vulnerable because of the brain injury.

I went on the radio and did an interview and I said,

"I don't wish him any harm.

"He's got a reasonable sentence

"and now I just want him to serve that,

"and we'll get on with our lives."

I was furious.

When we were at court, they'd asked if we wanted

a restraining order,

and we just didn't think it was necessary.

I asked Esther on the day, and she turned her nose up

and said, "No, don't need it."

At this point, I only had good memories from the relationship.

That's when I thought, "OK, maybe I should get in touch."

Maybe this could be the start of, like,

me getting my life back together.

How it was before hospital was in a relationship with Sam,

so I just wanted to get back to normal,

to just forget about it

and carry on living life as I was.

This is where I'd come on my daily walks,

and I'd time it so that it's when I'd get the calls from prison.

There'd be daily phone calls,

but I'd time them, so I'd be out of the house,

so we'd get a bit of privacy.

When she told me that they were still in a relationship,

I tried to hide my shock,

but it was just utter disbelief that...they were still together.

So he'd get 45 minutes a day,

so sometimes he'd say,

"Make sure you're not busy because I want the full 45."

I didn't really think that much of it at the time

because I just thought, "Oh, he's so in love with me."

Like, this is just... "He just wants to speak to me,

"that's his priority. So I'll make sure I'm available for him."

Esther was in a very fragile, vulnerable place.

And although her body was recovering,

her emotions were still very much catching up.

They were still very traumatised.

Your kind of looking at a trauma-bonding dynamic

that's growing there between them.

Unfortunately, it's something that we do see,

even after a horrific attack like this,

the victims don't walk away.

Esther still is under his control.

LAINLEY:For something of that severity to have happened

and for her to still be with him,

what hold does he have over her?

What would it be like when he got out of prison?

It just didn't bear thinking about.

So, this is the box of letters

and cards that I got from Sam when he was in prison.

They're very affectionate,

very...romantic.

Like, he would remind me of how good

the relationship was, but it's not anymore.

"But that's just because I'm in prison for trying to kill you."

JANE:Even from prison, Sam had very strong control over Esther, still.

He's not now this aggressor that's controlling

and coercing her in a very obvious way.

It seems he is using more subtle tactics.

He would write her letters, spoon-feeding her words of seduction

and kindness and love.

And Esther did take the bait.

LAINLEY:It was as if nothing had happened,

as if it was a normal relationship.

She still seemed like she was infatuated with him.

He'd be telling me things like how lucky he feels

to have such a beautiful girl.

"You brighten up my darkest days."

I felt very loved, appreciated.

And although it was a difficult situation

with my boyfriend being so far away from me...

..I was still in a happy, committed relationship with him.

At the beginning, Mum was doing everything that she could

to stop me continuing this relationship.

She got in touch with the prison,

in contact with the police.

But then it got to a point where, if I was choosing

to see him and carry on speaking to him,

there wasn't much that anyone else could do

because I was going to do it anyway.

She was almost murdered at 18 years old,

and all the while,

while I know she's off visiting him in prison,

there was nothing I could do, nothing at all I could do.

She was coming out with some really hurtful things -

how I didn't really care about her happiness,

and I was just against.

And I'm like...

It was really hard and really hurtful

and really upsetting for me.

But, of course, it's not Esther's fault,

so I still have to be there for her and protect her.

I did have a few friends who'd said,

"This isn't right, you shouldn't be back in touch with him."

I'd cut them friends off because I thought,

"You're not going to support me and what makes me happy,

"so I'm not going to speak to you anymore."

It was hard because I didn't want to upset her,

because, to me, she still seemed really vulnerable, really emotional,

and she's gone through such an ordeal.

But you want to grab her and shake her

and say, "What are you playing at? Don't be with him, don't see him."

It would have been very hard for her friends and family.

These are people who thought they'd lost her

when he nearly killed her that night.

To know that she was back in touch with her abuser

would have opened so many doors of fear in terms of,

"Is he going to do it again? Does she not see this?"

And, of course, you know, at that point she didn't.

I was spending a lot of time by myself in my room

because I wasn't speaking to my mum much,

so I was on social media quite a lot.

I'd compare myself to other people, other relationships,

and I was like, "Right, I need to do some self-help work...

"..and see the value in myself."

The things that he would bring up started to add up in my head.

And the more I started to value myself,

that's when I was becoming less tolerant

to disrespectful comments from Sam.

It was like I was, like, growing up.

So, one occasion, I'd questioned something that Sam said,

and he sent me a letter saying, "Please know that it is OK

"to feel the way you do sometimes.

"Time apart can play tricks

"but know these feelings are only temporary."

We hadn't seen each other,

and he said that "because we're not together,

"you're starting to question things."

So the more I was working on myself and my self-esteem,

my confidence, the more I was aware of red flags.

I was at a beauty appointment.

I don't know how it came into conversation,

but she was like, "Oh, I went to school with Sam."

She was saying, "I can't believe, like, what he did,

"how horrible it was.

"And I didn't realise it was you,

"but me and my friends, we're all completely on your side."

And that was the first time I'd seen it,

seen the situation from an outsider perspective

who didn't have any bias whatsoever.

So that was the first time I'd seen the situation from

an outside perspective.

And she was saying, how, like, "sad we all felt for you."

I think it was that night or the next day, I emailed him

and I just said, "By the way, like, I'm just going to take a break.

"Don't ring me...for a while

"and I'll let you know when I want to speak to you again.

"But right now, I've got a lot of healing to do,

"and I don't think you would help with that."

I sent the final message that said,

"I'm giving you back all your energy that you've put into me,

"but I'm taking back everything that I've given to you,

"and this is the end of it. Don't speak to me again."

This is the last letter that he sent me.

And he talks about how...

..he understands, I've explained this well,

and he's excited to see what this new chapter brings for us both,

not to worry about him,

because I've explained everything maturely and honestly.

He'll be holding off on the calls for now

but I can always come to him for support.

"Have fun and stay safe."

That was the last I've heard of him.

Really important.

It's changed my life.

The fact that she had the courage

to leave him at all just shows how strong and brave she is.

JANE:It was Esther at the helm.

Esther realising, you know what?

Only she is the one that can pull her out of this.

And that realisation, I think,

really fuelled her to realising, you know what?

She can stand on her own two feet.

VICTORIA:She'd got there on her own, she'd figured it out

and she'd ended the relationship with him.

She'd finally done what was right for her.

It was such a massive,

huge weight off my shoulders...

..to see that and to know that it was over.

LAINLEY:When she cut off contact with Sam,

she was in such a better place.

She's just started getting herself back.

She started doing things for herself.

She started going to the gym.

She wanted to go back to uni.

She was just more and more like the old Esther, pre-Sam.

But she was also this new Esther that was stronger.

I do really struggle now with my short-term memory.

But then even from 2017 to 20...

..21, I don't really remember much unless I'm reminded,

or I see pictures, or I'm told stories from my friends.

And then 2021 is still a bit blurry.

To come back from...

..not being able to breathe,

having to learn to walk and talk and eat and think,

and then she only missed a year of her education.

She was back at uni and graduated.

She retrained as a personal trainer,

and she lifts more than she weighs.

She's achieved so much that would be incredible achievements anyway,

but to have done it...

..starting where she did, when she had to start again,

there's no words.

Yeah, I'm proud of her.

She's absolutely a survivor. She's a role model

for all of us, and we're all so proud of her.

INTERVIEWER:Do you think that she will ever forget this experience?

No, she'll never forget.

None of us will ever forget.

It's with us forever, but she shouldn't.

There's no shame for her in what happened.

She was just... She was an absolute victim.

It's really important for me to share my story

because that's four years of my life that I've lost

to this relationship.

And...

..I just think to myself,

"You don't go through something just to go through it."

If I can help even one...person

who's in a similar situation, then that's enough for me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media