Original subtitles

George.

Georgie.

George.

Georgie.

Shit.

Georgina, phone.

Georgina.

What? What's the matter?

The phone is ringing, sweetheart.

I think it's for you.

Right. I'll get it.

What's the point of having an answer phone

if you don't even switch it on?

Oh, shit!

Uh, hello.

Daniel, hi. What?

All right, what's happened? Okay, calm...

Uh...

Oh! Oh, that's great news. Mmm.

How, how is she?

Oh. Uh-huh.

Er, no, God, no, I'm really glad you woke me up

to tell me that. Mmm.

Right, well, er... I guess we'll, um,

we'll see you both, er, see the three of you soon.

HuhYeah, er, er...

Okay. Well, well done you two. Bye.

Rebecca's had her baby.

Yes. The, the baby has finally arrived.

So, is it a boy or a girl?Uh...

Er, hair, weight?

Um, I didn't ask.Name

Uh...

Uh...

Anything. Eye color?

Eyes. Eyes. It's got eyes.

God, I hope it's got eyes.

Your sister had a baby. A brand-new little baby!

Yay!

Get dressed.

What It's dark out there.

We need a present.

Oh, Georgina, it's the middle of the night.

We need a present.

Ok, I will go to the 24-hour garage.

Good plan. Get it 20 Bensons and a Twix.

Your sister had a baby. A teeny, tiny baby.

I know, my darling. It's lovely.

Mmm.

I'll go to town with Mum first thing in the morning for the present.

Good plan.

Aren't you excited, just a little?

Well, um, now you come to mention it.

Ooh, Miss Salt!

Can you imagine what it's like

to hold your very own little baby?

Not really.

Do we have to?

Yeah.

I wish you weren't going.

It's only for a couple of nights, darling.

What time is Robert coming?

He's not. Alexandra is.

Alexandra? That's a pretty name.Don't ask.

She's a failed fashion student or a model or something.

A model?

You know the type. One of those annoying little daddy's rich girls

who always gets bailed out.

And as Daddy is our major financier...

She's going to Newcastle with you?

No, no. Ireland, next week.

What

Oh, God, they're here.

Couldn't you work with someone unattractive?

Don't worry, darling, she's not my type.

She looks a bit like a Russian tennis player,

a male one, a male one.

GEORGINA: Love you.

Yeah, me too!

MAN: Hey, Brian, she's here.

Your girlfriend's here, Brian.

GEORGINA: Morning, Jim.

JIM: Morning, boss.

Morning, Brian.

Morning, boss.

How's it going?

Eh, everything's just fine from where I'm standing.

Can you tell the rest of The Village People

that I don't want to be disturbed this morning.

I have a lot of work on and I really need to get my head down.

Well, you don't have to, but if you insist, you know.

MAN: Hey, Brian-o, watch your hernia.

Can someone give Brian a hand?

He really looks like he's struggling.

No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

MAN: Too heavy for you?

MAN 2: You big girl's blouse.

Mum!

MRS. SALT: Hello!

GEORGINA: Hello!

MRS. SALT: You look so good. How are you?

GEORGINA: I'm fine.

Oh, my goodness. This looks a bit grand.

GEORGINA: It's exciting.

MRS. SALT: I should think it's very pricey.

Now, darling,

don't get carried away.

Holy...

Shit!

Oh, look, little dragonflies.

GEORGINA: I know.

WOMAN: Your biological clock is ticking,

and you can't turn it back.

But for some women, this issue may be of even greater concern

and for those women, Dr. Dupompe

is the leading physician in the field of infertility.

DR. DUPOMPE: Early menopause can affect as many

as one in every four women, even as young as 34.

Just like poor old Harriet.

Auntie Harry? Hairy Harry?

I thought she was just a lesbian.

HARRIET: Come here, darling!

Yes, dear, that Harriet.

She always had problems down below.

WOMAN: Dr. Dupompe could be your hope

in a barren world.Did you ever see anything as gorgeous?

DR. DUPOMPE: Symptoms include weight gain

headaches, changes in body odor,

and an increase in facial hair.

WOMAN: If it wasn't for Dr. Dupompe,

I would have remained childless.

DR. DUPOMPE: To put your mind at rest, why not visit us

at Dupompe Fertility Care.

We care.

SALESPERSON: Oh, it's lovely and soft.

I'll take it.

It's £150!

Wrap it up.

Come on, Clem, we're going to be late.

CLEM: Calm down. It's just over there.

Oh, darling, please, slow down.

So, Arabella has found me the most fabulous new guru

who is going to change my life, and I have an appointment with her

today at 3:00.

So, do you think I'll make it or should I call her?

Ugh!All right, I'll just call her.

Oh, darling, you know that I'm there for you,

but couldn't you have just waited until Zak came back?

Clem, I'm 33 years old, and early menopause runs in my family.

My mum is a good Catholic, I'm an only child,

and Auntie Harry has a mustache.

Do the maths!But...

Look, I've had five periods last year.

Five out of a possible 12.

All right.

Not another word.

WOMAN: Hello, Dupompe Fertility Clinic.

Hope you're not as sterile as this room.

How kind.

Remind me again why you're here.

What does Zak think about all of this anyway?

Oh! Mmm. Hmm.

Oh, brilliant.

Look, he's working really hard, and I don't want to worry him.

And you know he gets funny about women's bits and babies.

Darling, you're going to scare

the living daylights out of him.

I want a baby more than anything.

I know it's a hideous concept to you

but could you, for once just

be nice and supportive and agree with everything I say,

if it's at all possible?

WOMAN: Hello? Yes, of course.

Miss Salt, please.

GEORGINA: And this is my best, best friend Clem.

Hello to Miss Clem,

who looks like a very healthy young lady.

Oh.

Doctor, I'd like to thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

It's always a pleasure to see young women

who take their fertility health seriously.

Miss Clem, do you have des enfants?

What, me? No. Not even desgoldfish.

I don't want to ruin my physique.

Such a pity, no?

So, down to business, hmm?

Yes.

Now, laparoscopy is a very light surgery.

There is no scars whatsoever.

It's just a little peek at the ovaries.

Well, it should be free, then.

Thank you, Clem.

Doctor, when will we know that everything is okay?

Soon enough. Well, I'm sure a healthy young lady like you

has nothing to worry about, huh

Shall we get started?

Your "best, best friend" can come back for you in about three hours.

Right. Good luck.

And no funny business. I'm a lawyer.

Mmm-hmm.

DR. DUPOMPE: Nurse, will you prepare five milligrams to start with?

NURSE: Yes, Doctor.

DR. DUPOMPE: Thank you.

Calm down, Miss Salt.

We'll just put you into a twilight sleep.

Hmm.

[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA]

Hi!

Hello!

I'm glad you're back.

Mmm!

This afternoon we're going to a party at your sister's house for the baby.

What You are joking?

Okay, okay.

Don't wind Daniel up about his Chelsea tractor.

Okay. Wanker.

Don't get pissed and do the crap joke thing you do.

It's not a crap joke. The elephant is very funny.

In front of your mother?Fair enough.

And at least pretend you're interested in the baby.

Okay!

Hello.

Hello, darling.Hello.

Congratulations.

GEORGINA: She's gorgeous.

Oh, yeah.

Eyes. Eyes, um...

It's got eyes. Two of them. Told you.

Yes, Zak, they generally come with eyes.

Cor, it's got a kind of squidged-up face

as well, hasn't it?

It's all sort of squidgy. Just there.

How nice of you to point out the squidginess.

But "it" is a she. Your niece, Arabella.

ZAK: Oh! Oh, it's not, um...

It's not doing a shit, is it

No, she's yawning.

Oh.

She's so beautiful. Zak, look at her.I know.

ZAK: Yeah, God, love her.

Is there any, um...

Um...

Can l...Have her?

By all means.

I've lost all feeling in my left arm

about 20 minutes ago.

Hello.

REBECCA: And it's not good for my nether regions

to be sitting in the one place for too long.

Jesus Christ, what is that?

That's me.

It's what's called a belly cast.

God, that's amazing.

REBECCA: It took forever.

ZAK: It's funny.

REBECCA: I wasn't keen at first,

but I'm really glad that Daniel

persuaded me to get it done.

There you go. Don't touch it.

It's a perfect reminder of a precious time.

And a constant reminder of why I have stretch marks.

It's a small price to pay.

KID: Uh-oh.

REBECCA: My poor belly.

ZAK: Uh, I didn't... That wasn't, um...

That was... Right, that was...

What you doing?

CHILD: Sorry.Oh.

Well, don't walk off like that, I mean,

someone is gonna have to clear it up.

Kids!

Well, that didn't go too badly, I thought.

"Didn't go too badly"? That was you, wasn't it?

What? That little boy was running around,

and I had to say to him, "You have to be careful there, mate."

You smashed your sister's sculpture, didn't you?

Yeah.

I mean, it's bad enough that you broke it,

but it's worse that you blame it on a three year-old.

I'm sorry.No, you're not.

You couldn't care less, could you?

Well, you know...

Exactly.

How could I ever think you'd be responsible enough to be a father?

Overreaction!

What's the point?

Rebecca is looking well, isn't she... darling?

Yep.

Bizarrely, this baby lark seems to suit her.

Why "bizarrely"?

Why would the concept of a baby suiting someone

would be so bizarre to you?

No, I'm just saying that my little sister is doing well.

Strange, too, that she's three years younger

but she's so much more mature.

Well, that's your opinion.

You have everything. You have money.

You've won every prize possible for your documentaries.

What more do you need to prove to yourself before you're ready?

You can't keep avoiding the issue and hope that everything will be fine.

Just tell me why do you hate...

I do not "hate" babies! Okay?

How'd you know I was gonna say "babies"?

Stop the car.

What? No, I'm not gonna stop the car.

Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?

What about what I want?

What about what makes me happy?

All right then. Good!Do it!

MAN: Idiot!

Gina, get back in the car. You're being ridiculous.

All right, we'll talk.

I don't wanna talk to a babyaphobe.

I've had enough.

If you won't give me what I need,

then I'll find someone else who will, Zak Solomon.

You mark my words.

Where you going?

Fuck sake.

Fuck off!

You can stay here as long as it takes, Zak.

Yeah, thanks, mate.

Just give her a couple of days, she'll calm down.

You know what they're like.

Women.

Aye, women.

Who would have them?Me.

Yeah.And you.

If she'd let you back in your flat...

Which she won't.

Well... Just leave her to sweat it out.

I'll be back from Ireland in a couple of weeks. She'll be all over me.

You should never have put the words "hate" and "baby" in the same sentence.

Big mistake?Oh, big mistake.

She's not getting any younger, is she?

No.No. She's not a spring chicken.

And in my experience,

when they hit a certain age,

they get funny about babies and shite.

Bloody biological clock.

You know what, Benny boy? You're right.

I fancy just chilling here,

sinking a couple of beers...

Watch some shit on the telly.

Just you and me.

Couple of big men having some big man fun.

Zak...

Too gay.

Yeah, it was a bit, wasn't it? Sorry.

Hello?

WOMAN: Miss Salt? Dr. Dupompe would like to see you

this afternoon, if it's convenient.

Yes, I'll be there.

Bollocks!

DR. DUPOMPE: A woman is born with a definitive number of ova

and then the shop...

...shuts.

But, I have some left?

Madame,I can see only one ovum on the right.

Now, you have two weeks before you ovulate,

and then...

It's bye-bye, baby, hello, mustache.

Clem! So when exactly do I ovulate?

Um...

The 22nd,

23rd, 24th and 25th.

Oh, the 25th is my birthday.

Then a baby shall be your gift.

Now, for these four days,

you will need to spend every second with your husband.

I don't have a husband.

Your boyfriend?

No, there's no one.

Dr. Dupompe, can't you just take it out

and put it in a lovely little container

and cryogenically freeze it for later?

Madame, it's not a sorbet.

May I suggest...

Sperm? I don't want sperm, I want a baby.

Hello!Hey, you.

Are you okay?

CLEM: It's terrible.

Really, really bad, what's happened.

Well, what?

CLEM: I spoke to my guru last night,

who says that I can't eat chocolate anymore.

That it's blocking all my chakras.

It's just so hard for me to imagine.

Wow...So... That's it.

For the rest of my life...God.

CLEM: No chocolate ever.

Yeah.

Do you have the same chocolate chakra thing? Is that...

I have this weird recurring nightmare, where I wake up,

and I'm old and hairy and alone.

And it's actually happening,

I'm actually living my nightmare.

Oh, I just ordered some starters

because I thought you might be peckish.

Listen, you're not hairy or old, you're beautiful.

Thank you.

I need more than one egg!

You can have mine, if you like.

Darling, darling, darling, she's only got

one egg left, down there.

One ovum left.

What, you mean...CLEM: Yes.

Oh, God. Just the one? Oh...

That's bad, isn't it? Is that bad?

CLEM: Listen, listen, listen,

do you remember when we were 14 and the dentist said you needed braces?

And we said that we were going to go get 10 second opinions,

and we did go get 10 second opinions

and all the dentists said that you needed braces. so...

You know, Clem, we don't have time for second opinions.

I've got two weeks, and I've only got the one egg left. Just one!

Right. Yeah. Um...

GEORGINA: I prefer the red to the London stock,

but the red is 1p more.

It's your choice, boss. This is the local one.

I agree with that. Yeah.

Hmm... Hmm. That one.

No, that one.

No, er, that one.Okay.

Hang on a sec.All right.

Alexandra, can you get that, please?

Wait right there.

It wasn't important.

Well, can you let me know if Georgina calls.

I thought you guys broke up.

Georgina, I just need...

We'll do it later. John, out, I'm in a hurry.

RECEPTIONIST: Good morning.I wondered...

Hi! Alexandra.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Is Zak Solomon in?

And you are...

Georgina, his... Friend.

Funny. He's not mentioned you.

Really?

Oh, well, is he here at all?

Zakkie? Oh, you just missed him.

He left for Ireland this morning.That's impossible.

He wasn't supposed to leave till tomorrow!

Last-minute change.

He said he just couldn't wait to get away.

You know how impulsive Zakkie is.

There must be some way of contacting him.

It's really urgent. Is there a way?

His cell phone doesn't work on the island.

Sorry.

There must be some way to contact him.

I'll be joining him tomorrow, though,

so leave it with me.

I'll tell him to call...

Who are you again?

Georgina! Can you write it down?

He's booked us this quaint little BandB in the middle of nowhere.

Maybe that'll have a land line.

No running water or heating, mind you.

Just each other... For warmth.

Are you and Zak...

Hello, Daddy?

It was really nice to meet you, Geraldine.

Okay. So, Daddy, we need to talk money

because I need more allowance for my trip.

Yes, to Ireland. Oh, really? Oh, that's great! I'm so excited!

You're probably just working too hard.

Why don't you take a holiday with Clem? Find somewhere nice.

Go and have some fun.

Holidays are for happy people who want to spend

quality time with their precious loved ones.

Hello! How's my favorite lady?

Hello, darling. Hello.

Fancy a cuppa?Yes, please.

May I have a cappuccino with extra cream and some choccy, please?

Thank you.

So, darling, I have done it.

I have called Guru Luke,

and she said it's all right to give your "spunk"

to a complete stranger. Namaste.

So, how long will it take to get to Scotland?

Ireland. We're going to Ireland.Oh.

Uh, it's probably about a 45-minute flight.

Then a short boat trip over.

Should be at the hotel by about teatime.

Soda rolls and cheese, I expect.

Oh, no, not cheese. It gives me migraines.

And believe me, it's not pretty.

I barf like an elephant.

Nice.

CLEM: To the most successful insemination

that will ever be.

Yay.

All right, darling, how's the plan?

It's in development.

CLEM: Oh, let's have a look.

There's nothing on it.

I need your help.

Darling, help her.

Don't look.

CLEM: Oh, stop being such a queen.

How obvious, Justin. Very deep.

"Sexy straight man." That's practical.

And on Day Four

if we remove "sexy" and "straight"

and then add "Justin."

I think you're very sexy.

Just stunning.

So close to the mainland, but it's so...

It's so wild and untouched.

Oh, yes. We're untouched by the modern hand of Satan.

Apart from the odd plane or two.

Island Life. The Rugged West.

Day One, we find ourselves in Inishmaan.

It's the least-populated of the Aran Islands.

It's a wild, rugged beauty

which has embraced human life for over 5,000 years.

What about TV? Is there a TV?

Zak, why are wasting time doing a TV program

about people who don't even own a TV?

It just doesn't make sense.

You know, Alexandra, if every production assistant was like you,

there'd be a drastic improvement in viewing quality.

Ah. You're right there.

I don't want any old stranger,

and someone I know is too awkward

and we've established the sperm bank is a no-no.

What about "Sexy Brian"?

How could I? How could I look him in the face every day?

What about "Sexy Brian"?

It's not ethical.

CLEM: You know, I don't feel like we're focused.

I really don't. What about...

What about a wedding? A wedding.

Because everyone's really pissed and there's loads of love in the room.

Yeah, or a Christmas party.

In April?

Right. A funeral.

That's sick.

I love it.Yeah, think about it.

Because of the funeral, there are a lot of,

uh, vulnerable men,Right.

JUSTIN: Overwhelmed with emotion and not thinking too straight,

some alcohol, gorgeous Georgie...

Easy pickings.

I think it's fantastic. All right. So, to review.

On Day One, you are going to lure

a really sexy handpicked stranger back to your apartment, right?

The only thing we just have to figure out is how you're going to lure

the stranger back to your apartment, blah, blah, blah.

Then, on Day Two, if you haven't shagged,

then you go to a very chic, tasteful burial.

The dead man can be no older than 40, because he'll have loads

of really sad, sad, lonely friends you'll have to comfort.

On Day Three, darling, if you haven't shagged by then

we'll just have to go to some club,

you know, and you'll just

take the first randy stranger.

JUSTIN: And take the randy stranger back to a hotel,

because then it's easier to escape

when you want to, you know...

And, yes, actually, I do know

of a really fabulous hotel near the club I've in mind.

And if we do get to Day Four, Justin, darling, my pet,

I'll even get you a hotel room.

I think you should definitely buy some sperm,

just in case the plan is a flop.

CLEM: Justin? I think with you on hand for the top-up,

I think this plan is foolproof.

GEORGINA: So Lizzie decided she needed to get a lodger.

She puts one ad in the Post

and the first guy that walks in, within 10 seconds flat,

they're having sex all over the apartment.

So I was thinking...

No, that's it, that's it, that's it.

Day One, we advertise your house to let,

by luring the sexy stranger to your house.

Have to tidy up a bit, Zak's stuff is still everywhere.

But you see, darling, you're really getting the hang of it now!

Oh, Clem, look. Look, there's Ben.

Maybe he knows how to get hold of Zak.

Oh, God.

Oh, hey!

Stop it, stop it. Don't, don't.

Why?

Don't call him over, please.

Have you and Ben...I have not and I never will.

All right, girls?

Ben!

Hello.

Interesting tree?

Yes, I happen to like the bark and the leaves on the tree very much.

Getting in shape?

I don't think there's really anything wrong with my shape,

thank you very much.

I know.

We're in a park, and Clem needed a wee, so...

The tree gets it.

If you don't mind, I'd actually like a bit of privacy,

so thank you.

Actually, Ben, I'm really glad we bumped into you,

because I really need to get hold of Zak, and it's really difficult.

Sorry, George, I don't do domestics. Keep me out.

I know it's a lot to ask, but it's really urgent.

If he gets in touch, I'll tell him to call.

Thanks, Ben.

Ben,

can you please go back to your friends

so I can have a wee? Thank you.

I suppose watching is out of the question?

Ew.

All right, lads, slide it over here.

Shut up."I like bark."

Shut up! Stop it.

What was wrong with you?

CLEM: Beautiful apartment for rent.

Open for viewing between 6:00 and 8:00.

It's not too early for you to have sex, is it?

WOMAN: Hello.Hello? Hello, yes.

Yes, it would suit a young professional person.

It's a terribly bad line.

Dark, handsome males in prime physical condition.

Maybe you'd prefer to place it

in the Lonely Hearts section?

You know what? This is a serious advertisement.

The apartment just happens to be very manly.

Of course, madam. I totally understand.

Can I take your credit card details, please?

GEORGINA: Hmm.

CLEM: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mother.

I want the whole experience.

I mean, my whole body is just aching for it.

All right.

Justin!

Oh, Justin, for fuck's sake!

Sorry, Coco.

Oh! Hello. Be careful.Hello.

Hello. Hello!

So, Georgie has hundreds of professional young males

coming over tomorrow, so can you please

make her look fabulous, darling?

And just do your magicky things?

Right.

And, Justin, I want to be sexy but not too slutty...

CLEM: Only one ovum left.

GEORGINA: I need more than one egg.

CLEM: On Day One, a sexy handpicked stranger

will be lured to your apartment,

but we need to find a way to lure him back.

Hmm.

"My belly is a welcoming womb of warmth and willingness."

My belly is a welcoming womb

of warmth and willingness.

I didn't realize microphones were so fluffy.

Uh, it's inside. The mic is inside.

Do they come in different colors?

Don't you think a pink one would look really cool?

Great idea.

ALEXANDRA: Ow!

So...

We'll spend the first few days shooting GVs, landscapes, etcetera.

Pretty pictures?

Yeah, yeah.

And then, when the people are used to seeing us,

when we've had a few drinks in the bar,

we can start doing some interviews.

Try to fit in, you know, gain people's trust,

integrity, you know, that sort of thing.

ALEXANDRA: Oh, you're so cute and so fluffy and adorable!

Zak, take a picture of this!

You do realize that donkey probably has rabies, don't you?

Ugh!

Are you sure we're doing the right thing?

What if no one shows up? What if loads show up?

Georgina, stop panicking. It's really going to be fine.

CLEM: Darling, what's all this?

I thought I'd make a casual reference

and see how compatible we are.

CLEM: Darling, you're not going to marry them, you want their sperm.

I know. But if I want a nice baby, then it helps to have similar interests.

Have you prepared your story?

Uh, no.

What are you going to say about yourself?

I'm Georgina Salt, I own a construction company.

No!

No?CLEM: No.

I'm Georgina Salt, I own a construction company.

No, darling, they don't want a girl in a hard hat,

they want a woman who is strange and mysterious and fabulous.

Uh, strange, mysterious, fabulous.

Try these.

They're sort of...

They're just...

We should go. Good luck.

Hang on. Red alert. Another dog.

No. We asked for handsome professional males.

Quick!

Hi. Sorry, sorry. Are you here to rent that apartment?

Yeah.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry, but it's been rented by me and my fiance.

We're just so in love. Sorry.Okay.

Oh, God.

Did you not put "straight" in the ad?

Oh God, this is a complete waste of time.

Oh! Hello, soldier.

Hi. Bob Tushy.

You have a really nice place.

Thank you.

So, where are you heading?

Um, I've been headhunted to head-up the head office.

It's very exciting stuff.

So where's head office? Anywhere nice?

Um... Kazakhstan.

Wow.

What will a beautiful lady like you do out there?

Um, it's very hush-hush, on the QT,

but I'll probably be killed while I'm away.

Right.

GEORGINA: Would you like to sit down?

Okay.

Do you like Italian food?

I love it.

Oh!I actually started making my own pasta recently.

It's messy, but it's worth it.

What do you make?

Linguine, tortellini... All kinds.

Do you like France?

I just went there on my holidays.

Yeah.

Oh! Where did you go?

Uh, Paris, and then Versailles, which is amazing.

I've been there. It's lovely. It's so beautiful.Yeah.

Stunning, really. Yes.

Do you like architecture?

My sister's an architect.

I have a lot of respect for what she does

because, um, she builds things...

Then, they're always there.

ZAK: Georgina, darling, it's me!

Baby, if you're there, can you pick up, please?

Oh.

Hello?

Darling, it's me.

Baby, if you're there, can you pick up, please?

Zak!Darling?

Oh, God. Thank God. I'm so glad you called.

Just, um, hold on. Georgie...

Have you got someone there with you?

Mr. Tushy.Hello?

I am so sorry, but the apartment

has just been rented by a very nice man.

BOB: Well, maybe I could call.

Maybe not.

Zak, are you still there?Yeah.

Oh, you'll never guess what's happened.

I have to see you.

ALEXANDRA: Zakkie, honey, can you zip me up?

Georgie

What? I only asked if you could zip me up.

GEORGINA: I don't understand. Why would he call if he's still with her?

Who knows what's running through his head.

He probably wants his pie and his chips.

He wouldn't do that.

George, he's a man. And he's selfish, and, darling,

he's let you down when you needed him the most.

What do you know about it?

You don't know what it's like, do you?

The longest you've been with someone is, like, three weeks.

You don't know what it's like to be with someone for the long-term

and to plan your future with them.

That's not true, Georgina.

I was with Greg for one year.

Whoop-dee-doo. You had a teenage crush on some boy 13 years ago.

Did you know that I was pregnant?

You know...

I was so scared.

And I thought,

"I don't want to get fat.

"And I want...

"And I still want to go to parties.

"And I want to wear short dresses."

So we...

I made the decision.

And it was gone.

And I just thought, "Right..."

"Now everything's going to just go back to normal,"

and...

He left.

I'm so sorry.

Do you know that he used to

kiss me right here

to wake me up in the morning.

Just move the hair out of my eyes.

Fucking coconuts.

He always smelled of coconut shampoo.

Oh, Clem.

Why didn't you tell me?

I would have been there for you.

I would have helped you.

I didn't tell you because I don't want to be

one of those really sad...

...dreary women.

You won't be. I won't let you.

And I won't let you either.

Come here.

GEORGINA: My belly is a welcoming womb

of warmth and willingness.

Hmm.

"I am a fertile female

"full of fecundity and fruitfulness.

"I am a fertile female

"full of fecundity and fruitfulness."

For fuck's sake! It's just a bit of drizzle!

Come on! We're losing the light!

Do you know how frizzy this'll get?

You are about as much use

as an ejector seat in a helicopter!

Come on, Georgie, pick up.

No signal. Great.

So many men, so little time.

How did this guy Benny die?

Parachute jump.

Ouch.Come on.

Hello!Hello.

Hi. Our friend seems to have disappeared.

Can we get a lift to the party? I mean, the wake?

Sure. Hop in. I'm Malcolm.

Georgina.Hi.

Clem.

There you go.CLEM: Thank you.

MAN: This one is for Benny boy.

This looks promising.

Bubbly.

Excuse me, darling, how did you know Benny?

Everyone knew Benny.

Hello. Thank you.

He owned the club, Boy's Night.

MAN: Yeah, you're with me, love.

Isn't this great? They are well up for it.

If I can't pull one of this lot,

you might as well shoot me now.

I better load both barrels.

Whoo-hoo!

They're...Yes.

All of them?

Well, maybe not them.

But the rest?

Hey!Um... At a guess, yes.

MAN: Hello. Dressing down for this one.

Do you mind?

Carry on.

He would have loved this.

Who?

Well, Benny.

Oh, yes. He would, wouldn't he?

I'm James, by the way. Benny's accountant.

Oh, his ex-accountant.

You're his ex

No, I mean, you are with him being dead and everything.

Oh, right.

It's a nice disco, isn't it?

Do you like disco dancing?

Mm. My girlfriend, well, my ex-girlfriend said

I danced like I had a poker up my arse, which kind of put me off.

Ha! No shit!

Yeah.

Right. Well, it was nice to meet you, um...

Georgina. I'll look out for the poker dancing.

Well, I'm afraid you'll be looking for a while.

I'm off home. It's been a long day.

Oh, er, wait... Could I, um...

Could I go home with you? I mean, no, wait, sorry.

Could I get a lift home to my home? Um...

Would I have to dance?

Um, dancing is not obligatory.

I'd love to.

Yeah!

I'm sorry about the mess.

I've been so busy with work lately.

Busy, busy, busy.

Mmm!Yes... Busy.

Oh, it's, um... It's homely.

Would you like some wine before...

Wine would be lovely before...

Um, take a seat, make yourself comfortable.

It was so sad when I heard about... Benny.

It was such a shock.

Well, he liked to take risks, didn't he?

I suppose knowing he lived his life to the full is some comfort.

Oh, you know what? We had some crazy times together.

Did you now?

Like what, exactly?

Oh, the usual crazy stuff. It's really madness.

Anyway, let's not talk about Benny.

It's so sad. Let's just talk about us.

Yes. Let's.

Oh, shit.

Hmm. Shit just about covers it.

Oh. Er, no, er, look, it's, um...

It's very complicated.

No, it's very simple, actually. "Day One..."

No, no, no, you don't understand.

Would you like some more wine

What kind of sick person are you?

Oh! And for the record,

your flat has gone way past homely.

GEORGINA: I need more than one egg.

I don't want sperm, I want a baby.

22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th. Oh, Zak, where are you?

Oh, Zak, where are you?

MRS. SALT: Now, let's get you something really nice for your birthday.

What do you need, dear?

They don't exactly sell what I need here.

I don't really feel like partying this year.

Oh, well, all right, love.

But at least let me make you a birthday cake.

You know what? Why don't we split up

and we'll have it done in no time.

All right, love.

Someone likes his nuts!

Mom!

Nice young man.

Now, dear, have we got everything?

Now, Alex, what may be boring for you may not be for other people.

Christ, if it's...

You can't say that, okay? Not here.

Jesus.

Or that! All right?

They'd prefer if you swore rather than blasphemed.

You'd be better off with a "shit."

Or, just a good loud "fuck."

Hi.

Welcome. Please, follow me.

Upstairs are the dormitories and the prayer rooms.

Not you, sir. Only the young lady can come.

Um, uh...

Look... If you want decent funding

for this precious series of yours,

it's gonna have to be great, not good.

So just relax, and let me do what I do best.

And what is that, exactly?

Girl talk.

Hey! Wait up!

Beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah.

NUN: A mother and her newborn child.

Creation. Nothing is more divine.

ZAK: I suppose not.

I wouldn't have thought that you think about all that sort of stuff.

You know, you being a nun.

Must be hard for you.

For a woman to...

To give that up.

I think for me, as a woman...

It's the hardest sacrifice.

I think you're right.

Oh, Zak. I miss you.

Brian.

You all right, boss?

Sorry, I didn't get very much sleep last night.

I hope he was worth it.

There's nothing like that going on at all.

Zak and I broke up.

Oh, great.

It's not actually "great," is it?

Because I just told you my six-year relationship has ended.

So, it's not great.

No, no, not for you, it's not great for you,

and it's definitely not great for him, but, you know...

But for other available men...

It's great.

Well, uh...

It's really hot in here.

Uh...

Um, what, um...

Oh, God!

Georgina?

Georgina?

Um...

Women have needs, Brian,

and I need these needs to be

tended to.

Oh, bloody hell, that's fantastic.

I'll knead your needs any time you want, love.

Oh, yeah.

Great.

What about the weekend of the 25th...Sorry?

Which happens to be tomorrow?

Eh?

We could do the morning, or I could slip you in after lunch.

Oh, slip me in...

No pressure.

It's a bit formal, innit? Want me to sign a contract or something?

Actually, do you want to do thatNo.

Uh, I'll get back to you.

Great.

All right.

Okay, so the nuns are a little pissy, so what?

"Pissy" Just don't get it, do you?

You've completely ruined everything.

Without the nuns, we have nothing. Okay?

Without me, you have nothing, Zak Solomon. So I suggest

if you want Daddy to continue funding this silly little documentary of yours,

you start being nicer to me. A lot nicer.

Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a fuck anymore, okay?

Sorry.

Thank you.

Hi. I'd like a ticket to London, please.Hello.

WOMAN: Hello, sir.

Hi, I need to be on the next flight to London, please.

Okay.

There you go.Thank you.

Oh! The last ticket has just gone.

What?

Please, I need to be on that flight.

Well, maybe you could ask the lady.

I would rather cover my balls in honey

and stick them in an ants' nest, if it's all the same to you.

I'm very sorry, sir, there's nothing more I can do for you.

Okay, where's the next flight from? Anywhere.

Anywhere.

Okay. The Dublin flight is full.

Right.

I'm just checking Belfast for you.

Good.

Yes. No. That's full, too.

Please, come on. There must be something you can do.

Have you thought about the ferry?

Hi. I need to get to Cork for the ferry.

Can you get me there in about three hours?

You must be joking.

No? Okay.

How about... How about now?

Ah.

Brilliant.I did it in four hours once.

MAN: Boarding for the Pembroke ferry is now closing.

Excuse me.

Oi!

All right, look,

"After insemination, keep legs raised for 15 minutes." Oh.

"Sperm must be used before it separates and gets cold."

Yuck. That's disgusting.

All right, moving on. Look, look, look.

Here's a list of loads and loads of potential daddies.

450 looks good. He's German, Scottish and Italian.

That's sort of nice.

No, no, no. Your baby will then work

really hard at making loads of teeny-weeny little pizzas.

Look, what about there, number four. That one.

Look at him. English and Hungarian. There we go.

You could pretend it's Zak's, and then I can sue him for maintenance.

Shouldn't have to pretend, he should be here.

Just call me "One Egg."

No.

"No Boyfriend, One Egg."

No, but, darling, darling...

Happy! We're going to be happy now.

"Happy One Egg."

Look, was that a smile?

There we go, there's a smile. I like that.

Come here.

I wish I could see their faces.

MAN: Evening, ladies. Having fun?

Mmm, Ignita sad.

She not want to go back to Stockholm.

Away you go. Enjoy yourselves.

GEORGINA: I can see that girl's arse.

I can actually see her arse.

She'll catch pneumonia.

Look! Look, darling, do you see what I see?

WOMAN: Yeah, and the rest!

Do you think there's any room for a brain in there?

Perfect.

No. But the thing about slappers is that they consider sex their job

and condoms are like their uniform, so they just buckle up.

That sort of defeats the purpose.

Well, tell him that you're a virgin.

I'm 30-bloody-4 tomorrow.

Yes, but you're Irish.

I'm half-Irish. And tonight, I'm Swedish.

Well, new plan. You're Irish again.

I don't really think they have virgins in Sweden.

Now go. Go get him, darling.

Ciao bella! Where hid you all my lives?

Hello.

Room 842, please.

You come party with us?

No, thank you, sir.

I'm sure madam will see to all your needs.

MAN: Hope they're not in the room next to us.

Mamma mia.

Ha! Bellissima!

Zak, I'll never forgive you.

So, princess, you miss Ireland?

No, but I was the runner-up for Miss Jamaica.What?

Up your bottom.

Not on a first date.

Luca, you're a very handsome man.

Yeah... Me, too.

Um, I want you to be my first.

Yeah. Madonna!

Madonna, but not the singer. Like...

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit!

I have to go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute.

Don't move a muscle.

Yeah, Colin? I'll be outside in two minutes, mate.

No, no, nothing much. Just a card and some cash.

No, I don't think I'll bother...

I think she's a bit soft in the head.

Luca, please be gentle with me.

Luca?

Fuck!

Fuck!

CLEM: Hello?

Clem, it's me. Let's do it.

Right. Is it the pizza man or Mr. Goulash?

GEORGINA: I don't want sperm, I want a baby.

CLEM: And Justin on hand for the task.

GEORGINA: I need more than one egg.

CLEM: If we even get to Day Four,

you need to seriously consider replacing your entire wardrobe.

Ugh!

Excuse me, I'm looking for a turkey baster.

You're well-organized, girls. Come in handy for Christmas there.

Coming in handy will be no use to us, ladies.

You see, my friend, she went on the Internet

and she ordered...Clem, Clem, no, no.

What?Mmm.

You don't want to waste your money on one of those.

Have one of these. I know. She's a beauty.

And she'll always double-up as a spoon.

That's lovely spoon. It's a top-of-the-range spoon.

Bit of a squeeze. What I really need is a turkey baster.

CLEM: Yeah, the one with the huge squishy balls

and the long plastic thingy.

Something really... Big and, like, hard.

Do you think one day I'm gonna meet a turkey baster of my own?

I think it's talking to me.

Hello. And what do you do?

Oh, he bastes turkeys. That's really fascinating.

Darling, I'm being an insensitive cow, I'm sorry.

I want Zak. I only want Zak.

Look, you can't speak about other men in front of Mr. Turkey Baster.

I just never thought it would come to this.

The potential father of my child is a sodding kitchen utensil.

Stop it. Stop it. Come on.

Excuse me, I'm sorry!

Hi. How you doing? I need to get to London.

London, is it?Yeah.

That's £100 each way.

Do you take credit cards?No.

No Visa, MasterCard, American Express?

There's a hole in the wall up the road.

Can't miss it.

Right. Okay. Don't go anywhere.

Fuck!

Morning, boss.

Good morning, Brian.You all right?

Yes.It's a bit of a mess, I'm afraid.

Which bathroom is it?It's up the stairs.

It's only because people were coming in and using the lav

that we found out there was a problem.

Yuck. Can't believe people use the toilet in a show home.

Yep, nowt as funny as folk. Let's check upstairs.

Anyway, it just means that this unit

will be out of order for a bit.

That can't be helped.

Hmm.

I wonder if it's only the toilets that they use.

Well, you never know.

I, um... I phoned you.

Last night. I left a message about our date today.

Right.Yeah, yeah.

We hadn't confirmed times or what, but...

So, boss, here we are... How about it?

Oh... we couldn't. I mean, what if someone came in?

There's only two sets of keys

and I've got one and you've got the other.

So why don't you

get yourself comfy, and I'll go and lock up?

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Yeah!

Come on! Come on!

Brian, I just wanna say...

Yeah, yeah.

Right, you ready for this?

Yeah... I just wanna...

Yeah, go, go, go. I'll be in here.

I'll tell you what, love,

I've been thinking about this for absolutely ages.

Really?

Wait till you see what I've got for you, dear.

It's an absolute belter.

Ha!

Hey, I've not heard any complaints...

I'm not gonna start now.

Hey, don't worry about precautions.

I had a bad case of mumps last year, so I'm infertile.

What?

I mean, it's fine. I had kids early.

I've got a ten-year-old and an eight-year-old with my first wife.

It comes in handy, now I'm back on the market.

Mind you, it was nasty business.

My bollocks swelled to the size of a watermelon.

They took on a life of their own

and the missus started taking pictures.

I had to sit on a special cushion.

It was just...

Anyway... You nearly ready?

Uh...

You know what? I've just got to go to the bathroom.

That one is broken, so I'm going to run down to the one downstairs.

Hey, no problemo. Whatever.

Come on, lad!

"After insemination, keep legs raised for 20 minutes."

All right.

Miss Salt?

Yes.

Your, um... Sign here, please.

Don't forget, keep it warm, and use it before it separates.

Yeah, okay.

Oh.

Oh, shit, it's too big. It's... Oh.

Oh.

Hmm.

Right, little ones, I want you to swim, swim, swim.

MRS. SALT: Georgina

Mum!

Happy birthday, dear. I wanted to surprise you.

Oh, dear, the icing is not dry.

I'll just pop it in the fridge.

Or should we have a piece now?

To tell you the truth, I feel quite peckish.Oh, no, no.

It's so lovely, I just want to save it

to show it to Justin and Clem.

Oh, Justin. He's a nice boy, isn't he?

Yes, he's nice.

God... No one said it would be easy

but I, for one, never thought that it would come to this.

Hmm. Nor me, l...

Uh...

Oh, darling.

If I had the necessary machinery, I'd step in and I'd do it.

No, no, no, I haven't got it, so I can't do it.

Right, no, of course.

And I want you to remember that...

Hmm?

"It is a far greater thing that"

you do today than...

Uh, done, are you?

I don't know what it is but...I'm not sure.

Anyway, listen. The thing is,

you're standing in "the last chance" saloon.

You fuck this up...

And you fuck up her life.

Okay.

Anyway, darling... Have fun.

Right. Bye.

Bye. All right.

Hello.

Thank you so much for doing this.

RECEPTIONIST: Hello.

Hello. We've booked a room for Jones.

Mister and Missus. A suite, please.

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!MAN: Homeless git!

Yeah, you too, mate.

Taxi!

Look, I know it's awkward, but I want you to know,

I'm really grateful.Aw.

Fuck.

Just breathing. Feeling good.

Just a child, it's nothing.

Just for the rest of your life.

It's fine. Just breathe in.

Breathe. Just feeling good.

Fuck.

Come on. Come on!

Oh, God.

Come on. God! Up you get. Come on!

Come on.How's it going?

Not really well. Uh...

Anything I can do?Uh...

I don't know, uh...

Well, you could...

I don't know, you could, uh...

You could pretend to be Brian.

I'm Brian. Sex God of Salt Construction.

I'm wearing tight jeans, and sweat is dripping off my big bulging muscles.

I've got a huge belter just waiting for you, and I want to grab your arse.

That was great.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, my God!

Georgie, you're not gonna believe it. It's amazing!

George Michael has just called me on this telephone,

and he said that

he wants me to do his costumes for his next tour.

What?Yes!

And I have to go now.

He wants me to go to a fitting now.

I want it. I want that spunk,

so you get back in there.

George.

I can't do it.

It's a huge responsibility.

I can't have a baby with you because Clem ordered me to.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

You can't pull out now. I forbid you.

We'll go down to the bar, and I will find you a man.

No bloody way, Justin.

I'm sick of looking at every man like he's a dick on legs.

I have one day left, and you bloody well promised!

You're my best friend!Aah!

No, I'm not gonna get my pants off. Georgie, no, stop it.

You're not taking off my trousers.

I am not having sex with you!

I'm walking out of this room. Ow!

You're a dirty boy! You deserve a whipping!

I'm going to give it to you!

JUSTIN: Stop it! Stop it!Yes! Yes! Yes!

Help me! Help me!

Can you come back later?

MAN: Come along.GEORGINA: Wait. Let me explain.

What I do in the privacy of my own room...

We were just wrestling!

Hang on, it was just role playing.Yes.

You're gonna hear from me, all right?Yes.

We're two consenting adults having a good time,

and he was up for it!

Thank you, madam.

And... Good night!

Good night.

Taxi. Taxi!

Taxi!

Please! Yes!

MAN: I said, "I'll not go near that thing.

"You must be joking. You're crazy."

Oh.Oh.

Hey, Georgina.Ben!

You all right?

What's wrong?

I had a dream of my life.

I would marry Zak and we would have

a few children and a lovely home.

I'm sure that's what Zak wants, too. Deep down.

I know about Alexandra.

The daddy's girl?

Mouth with more teeth than a shark?

I know all about their affair. It's okay.

No, he thinks she's a complete pain in the arse.

Well, even if he wasn't with her, I can't force him to be with me.

I miss him so much.

Georgina, it's all right.

You're so sweet!

Hey, Zak!

What's going on?

Zak! I'm so glad you're back!The fuck's going on?

Thank God.

Zak, it's not what you think.

Not what I think?

Wait, wait, wait!I go away for two weeks,

and you can't keep your hands off her, you Scottish tosser!

Zak, calm down!Calm down?

It's taken me half my fucking life to get here!

Zak, Georgina was very upset.

No, no, no. This is upset. You absolute arse!

GEORGINA: Wait! Stop! Stop!

Stop it!Wanker!

For fucks' sakes!

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. Wait, Zak! Zak!

Zak! Zak!

ZAK: Hello. You've reached Zak Solomon's voicemail.

Please leave a message.

Zak! Zak, I have something very important to tell you.

Please call me. Call me!

I need to see you tonight, before it's too late.

Maybe God has other plans for me.

All right, uh...

Uh, would you like some vodka?

No.

What about some beer or whiskey?

No.

No? All right, I know, what about echinacea,

with sort of ginger? Do you like that?

All right, I'll have a weak one.

All right.

Oh, I'll be right back.

Oh. Hello.

What do you want?

I had a wee spot of bother with Georgina and Zak. Have you...

Hey, Georgina! Did you find Zak?

Are you all right?BEN: Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?

Oh, I felt bad.

I tried calling him.

I'm sorry I ran out.No, no, don't worry about it.

Clem, hi.

Zak.

Look, I know Georgina's here.

I need to find out what's going on between her and Ben.

GEORGINA: You're all right?

I'm absolutely fine.

Or maybe I should just see for myself.

I don't believe this.

Look, Zak, you're getting this all wrong.

Oh, really?

Ow! That really hurt!

Right... Get down!

Do as you're told! How many times...

Oh, great, I'm bleeding. I'm actually bleeding.

Zak, I've been telling you all along, I don't fancy Georgina.

She's all right, but you know,

she's no Clem, is she?

What?

What?

Well, you know, you're just so...

What?

BEN: What I mean is you're really...

CLEM: Do you...

Do you like me?

Well, yeah.

Yeah

That's fine, that's good. All right, thank you.

Don't. Stop looking.

Excuse me.

Aye.

Right. So now that we've established that

I'm not the hot property that you think I am

what do you want?

Then you can go crawling back to Alexandra.

What?

Alexandra?

You are joking, aren't you?

Okay, you're not. Sure, she's beautiful,

but that's not what I look for in a person, George, you know that.

What I mean is that you are way past beautiful.

You're not past it, obviously.

I mean, you're beautiful, but you're so much more than that.

Oh, shit, um...

Georgie... I love you, okay?

I've never stopped loving you, not for a second.

Life without you doesn't make any sense.

Georgie, please, can we just, can we...

Okay.

Look... I want what you want.

And not because you want me to want it but because I want it too.

Does that make sense?

Well, unfortunately for me, it's too bloody late.

I've become your ideal woman, but I can't have children.

What? Georgie!

Georgie! What do you mean?

Ask them, they'll tell you all about it.

I don't wanna ask them. What do you mean?

Leave me alone.

Well?

Well?

ZAK: Georgie, baby, they've explained everything. I'm so sorry.

I really meant what I said. Let's still try.

Okay? I love you.

Can I come in, boss?

Brian, come in. Hi.Yes.

Um, about the other day, uh...

Look, look, don't say another word.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

It was my bollocks, weren't it?

Not exactly. It...

Look... I know.

Sometimes the sheer size of my down belows scares people off.

That was before the mumps.

Oh!

Yeah, well.

Thank you for this lovely chat.

Maybe we could just put it behind us and move on?

Oh, yeah, yeah, no problemo.

Yeah. Yeah, it'll just be our little secret.

Thank you, Brian.

Oh, and all the lads who saw you running off,

it'll be their little secret as well. Okay.

Come in!

Hi.

Hello.

Ow.

All right?

GEORGINA: Hi.

Ouch!

Hello.Hi.

Miss Salt. This is Linda,

at the Park Mews Clinic.

As you requested, we have rechecked your positive urine test.

And the result of your blood test shows

that you are 100% pregnant!

Zachariah, darling.

She's so sweet, how she's sleeping.

Show me again.

Oh, it's just gorgeous.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

I want to give you your real birthday present.

Mmm. My real present.

Come and get it.Where are you taking me?

You have to look for it.

Okay, do you wanna give me a clue?

Cold.

Warmer.

Very, very hot.

You're...

You're...

I'm, uh...

God! Wow, it's...

ALL: Whoo!

BEN: Hip hip...ALL: Hooray!

BEN: Hip hip...ALL: Hooray!

Hip hip...ALL: Hooray!

Oh, come here!

Oh!

I love you.

I love you, too.