Original subtitles

Been on spring break for a month? Here are some

mad moments you may have missed. Tuesday, 9 a.m.

After Veronica Mars fans raised millions of dollars to fund the movie,

fans of The Office raised millions to destroy all evidence of the last four seasons.

Friday, 6 p.m.

The new Tom Cruise movie about humanity abandoning Earth opens,

causing humanity to abandon Earth. Wednesday, 8 p.m.

Nicki Minaj is late to American Idol because she's watching this.

Send the WWE title to your champion, John Cena! Thank

you, Vince. So, uh, where's the belt?

I thought you had the belt. No, I have the belt.

The Miz? Hey, I know you.

You're that ex-contestant from Real World Road Rules Challenge.

Leave the past where it is, will ya? I just want to live a normal life,

as an over-the-top reality star champion wrestler persona. And all I need is this.

So long, suckers.

There, outside the arena, a wrestler is running,

a belt he has stolen. I must give chase.

Vince be my witness.

I never shall yield till I've beaten his face.

John Cena will never find me here in early 19th century France. Thanks,

Time Machine Wizard. You got it, Miz. And now my debt to you is paid.

Onward, Chronosteed!

I'm free! I'm finally free!

But... I had a dream I'd be on top When I was just some young jabroni We meet again.

John Cena?

But how did you ever find me?

Let's just say I called in a favor from an old friend. No problem, John.

And now my debt to you is paid.

Time machine wizard. You can't keep running.

There's only one way for us to settle this.

One more match.

Another kick.

Another broken knee.

What will become of Miz's legacy?

Will the whole world know my crime? And by the

way, it's hard to rhyme. One more match.

One more match to settle our feud. I will hit you with this chair. See,

that belt belongs to me now. Oh, hey, quick, look over there.

One more match.

One more match between these awful...

Do I follow Ms. Orsina? They are trading fakie soft blows. Oh boy,

I shall fight to win her.

One more man!

I think about it, and yeah, it makes sense.

Brother, this is definitely the weirdest pay-per-view they have ever done.

Come on. Did you not see the sign?

Do you wish your hair had more volume?

Sure do.

Then you need... Irish Scream, the shampoo that puts your hair on end.

It really works.

With Irish Scream, there's no need for special gels or conditioners.

You don't even need to be in the shower.

All you need is $4.99.

And a strong heart. Irish Scream,

the shampoo with the funny-looking leprechaun on the bottle, and the heart warning.

You think that Pokeballs can hold Pokemon because they're airtight?

Squirtle, I choose you!

You are my... That stench is horrible!

And that means no ventilation. And no air fresheners either. Woo!

I have got to put some air holes in that thing.

And that's something you probably didn't need to know.

They've suffered the heat, been screamed at by their bosses.

But tonight, we find out who will be the next... Nobody move!

Everybody freeze! Don't move! On the ground! On the ground!

This guy's wanted for burglary!

Cop Chef, the show where we find out which chefs

have what it takes to make it on the force.

We know he's guilty, we just can't find the proof.

Maybe he's cooking the books.

Ooh!

A show that tosses the rules like a salad.

He get a hot tip? Nope. Left the oven on.

And a show which gives bad guys their just desserts.

Frank, don't!

We'll do this my way. Have a cupcake.

Copshaft! It's also a show that was cancelled the day after it aired.

I got the shot. I can make it. Don't do it. It's too risky.

I know, but it's worth it.

There. I destroyed the antenna that broadcasts Whitney.

This has been Real Life Heroes.

Want to have a pillow fight? Sure.

One, two, three, fight!

Finally, with this robot, I, Lex Luthor, will defeat Superman. Well, lookie here.

Blast it off. None of my plans ever work.

Maybe you need someone with fresh ideas.

Yes, that's it. I need someone new, someone hip,

someone with a special, what do you call it?

An X-Factor?

Yeah, like that, but different because I don't want to get sued.

Welcome back to The Lex Factor,

the show where contestants compete to see who can defeat Superman.

I'm Khloe Kardashian. Smile and pause. Don't read that part out loud.

Now to introduce our judges. Point at judges.

Lex Luthor, Demi Lovato, and Britney Spears.

We are down to our two finalists. So Demi, who've you got?

I was judging the monster category, and I found a great monster.

Hey, I'm Mario Lopez, and this looks a lot like my show. Ah!

You're such a weird, gross monster. I'm sure you can beat up Superman.

I agree. Doomsday is a strong choice.

Doomsday? I'm at Khloe Kardashian, that monster.

I'm not a contestant. I'm the host.

Oh, no, the monster's angry.

It's my turn now. I was judging the wizard category.

Ooh, so you must have picked someone like Black Adam.

Huh?

Oh, I guess that could have worked.

I picked Gargamel. Yes, hello, it's me, Gargamel, your favorite.

Look at his funny shoes. Are those slippers? I can't even tell. He's the best.

So Gargamel, tell me again how you expect to meet Superman?

Well, if this Superman is anything like this Superman here,

I'm going to scare him with my cat.

Then step on his tiny house.

Now, I don't want to say anything rude, but, well, I will sing this.

He's a dope and he's gonna die.

Well, it's up to the audience at home to decide who's a dope and who's going to die.

The call-in votes have been counted, and the winner

is, pause for dramatic effect, Gargamel!

What?

How is that possible? We did it!

Gargamel's going to get his butt whooped by Superman! U.S. Smurf! U.S. Smurf!

Well, a deal's a deal. Gargamel, let's go fight Superman.

All right, I'm gonna step on him. Warming up my stepping foot.

Oh, boy, is he gonna get stepped on.

This is definitely not an accurate depiction of him. Get him, Azrael! Take that!

I still say we should have used that Chloe monster.

I'm right here. Oh, I see you, monster.