Original subtitles

- I'll be in later to pick up my check!

You're listening to "The Bob and Bob Show."

I'm Bob.

And I'm Bob.

And we're on with the world famous sex

and relationship psychologist Dr. Bob.

So what did you think of that last call?

Well, she is just

a little confused. - She's a freak!

Aloha, Eddie.

- Hey! - Let's take a call.

Line one, we have a patient of Dr. Bob's,

Threesome, on her cellphone.

Threesome?

Yeah, It's me.

I'm sorry, did you say she's a patient of mine?

Threesome, do you know Dr. Bob?

Yeah, yeah, I see him weekly.

You do?

Yeah, Wednesdays, 3:00 p.m.

You really shouldn't be calling me here.

It wouldn't be ethical for us

to discuss our private sessions on the radio.

Hang up now. - No, no, no, no, no.

Don't hang up.

I wanna hear this.

Listen, caller, we shouldn't do this.

We can talk Wednesday.

I don't want you saying anything

that could jeopardize your privacy, so hang up.

No, no, it can't wait till Wednesday.

Please, we need to talk now.

Yeah, listen to her now, she needs help now.

Besides, I'm sure Threesome

isn't her real name, is it?

Of course it's not my name.

Hello, it's Jen-

Did we bleep that?

Okay, okay, we bleeped that.

Listen, sweetie, don't use your real name.

Okay, so tell us, what's up?

Well, I'm calling because, last night,

we had this threesome.

We did? Wow, I don't remember that.

Do you, Bob?

- That chick sounds familiar.

- It's your mother.

- Nah, is it?

Sorry, no, it was me, my ex, and a friend.

- Nah, my parents are still married.

- Is that right?

- That's right!

So it's you, a guy, and another chick?

- Yeah. - How far did you go?

What do you mean?

What my partner is trying to say is,

were you munching on grindage or what?

Yeah, did you find the little man in the boat?

Um, yeah.

So, how was it?

Well, everything was great.

Okay, here's the thing, my ex and I had been together

for two years and he dumps me.

He says he doesn't wanna be strapped down.

He wants to be able to explore and to sow his wild oats.

And what's wrong with that?

Nothing's wrong with that.

I ask him why can't he do it with me,

and he's like, "You don't wanna do that."

You know, whatever, he just wants to be like

his best friend and play around.

And what's the situation with his friend?

He's a good guy. He's just a total player.

He nails everything in sight, and my ex envies him,

which I think is ridiculous.

All right, what's this have to do

with the sex, the threesome?

Let's get back to the juice.

Okay, well, I figured I would show him

that he could have a good time with me.

So I set up this threesome,

hoping he would see he can explore his wild oats with me

and we could have lots of fun together.

And what happened?

She munched on grindage.

No. How-

- Hola, Senor Da-Veed.

Aloha, Zachary.

- Hey!

Hey, I'm standing outside.

You were suppose to open 20 minutes ago,

but the door is locked.

Is anybody there?

Hello?

Are you there?

Yeah, I wanna buy a cue stick.

It's been 37 minutes.

If you're there, open the door.

Hello?

Are you there?

I've been standing here for over a fucking hour.

Screw you fucking bastards!

I don't need a cue stick that bad!

Are you guys there yet?

Hello?

Fuck you!

- Eat me.

- I thought you were gonna stop being late.

- This time, I had a good excuse.

- Oh, that's right, you had that threesome.

- How did you know?

- It's the power of Hef, man.

He's channeled in me.

I know things.

- Anyway, after you left the bar,

we went back to Tara's place, check out her new spa.

- Tara's got a spa?

- We head into the house, the girls go into Tara's room,

I plop down on the couch, flick on the tube.

So I'm flipping stations

and they're in the bedroom giggling, so whatever.

I'm watching Dave's Top 10 List,

and then they come out- - What was it about?

- What? - The Top 10 List,

what was it?

- I don't know, why does it matter?

Anyway, they come out of the bedroom,

naked, just holding towels,

heading for the backyard,

and Jennifer's like, "Are you coming?"

So I'm off the couch, racing towards them.

And then they get in the spa

and I'm just standing there, shocked.

- What were you waiting for?

A written invitation?

- Really! No, I don't know.

I just wasn't sure if it was for real.

So, then Tara reaches into her towel,

pulls out a baggy of X, and Jennifer's like,

"Go ahead, it'll make you feel better."

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Our little Jen Jen is telling you to drop X?

- Tell me about it, she gets so wicked around Tara.

- Dropping X with naked hotties.

Life doesn't get much better than that.

- So I strip, jump in,

the next thing I know, we're fucking.

- What do you mean by "fucking"?

- What do you mean what do I mean?

We had sex.

We did the nasty.

You know, humped, bumped, and nailed?

Nookie nookie?

We did all sorts of stuff.

I can't remember how it all went, but it was hot.

- Well, okay, what happened?

You know, were the girls munching on grindage?

- Oh, yeah.

- Jennifer let you fuck Tara.

You fucked Tara!

Yeah.

- So, okay, what happened next?!

- We went to sleep.

- Jen and Tara.

- Can you believe it? - No.

I could've had her, just didn't want it.

- Is that right?

That's right!

- Morning.

Hola, Senorita Jennifer.

Aloha.

- I got you your triple cream.

Thanks, I didn't have time to pick it up.

- Ooh, triple cream.

That's great.

It's very fitting.

What do you mean?

- Oh, you know, it's just you two and your coffee, you know,

whatever happened to just straight coffee?

Just straight, black coffee.

Everybody's gotta drink this nasty-ass,

trendy-ass Starfucks shit.

- Yo, dip, you flush?

- I ain't no dipshit.

- So, David, how was your, oh, excuse me, Da-Veed,

how was your night last night?

Not as good as yours.

- So tell us about your night, Da-Veed.

- What's Da-Vee?

- It's Da-Veed.

- Last night, David tells this girl at a bar

that his name is Da-Veed,

so she's like, Da-Veed this and Da-Veed that.

So we're all calling him Da-Veed all night.

- "Mm, I see," said the man with the saw.

- What?

- You're such a dip.

If you're gonna steal someone else's lines,

at least get them right.

It's "'I see,' said the blind man

as he picks up the hammer and saw."

- Is that right?

That's right!

- Ugh, you guys and your stupid catchphrases.

- Actually, it's Da-Veed's stupid catchphrase.

- Okay, enough with the Da-Veed shit.

I did not tell her my name was Da-Veed.

She misheard it, she liked it, thought it was unique.

So I said to myself, "Hey, what would Hef do?"

Hef would let her think what she wanted, so I did.

- Stupid catchphrases and a Playboy fascination.

I'll tell you what Hef wouldn't do:

Hef would not be called Da-Veed.

- Very true. - Thank you.

I gotta get going.

You got my invoices?

- Whiteman's first, then you got a repair at Small's,

and a re-level at Johnson's.

- Ah, the good doctor.

He was on the radio this morning.

- Really?

- Dude, we're doing white man's small johnson today.

You get it? White man's small johnson?

- Yeah.

- Top 10 ways you know a movie sucks.

- Oh, what was number one?

- If it was made with a camcorder.

- I've got a camcorder.

- How you doing?

Can help you with anything?

Okay, well, holler if you have any questions.

- I need some chalk.

- Sure, right over here.

Half dozen is $3.95, dozen is $4.95.

- Can I get six?

- It's only a dollar more for a dozen.

Okay.

$4.28

- You said $3.95.

- It's $4.28 with tax.

There's tax on chalk?

- Yeah.

Dip.

- Hey.

You told them.

- What? - You told David and Eddie.

- I told David.

- You're here for what, like five minutes

and you're already rushing to tell David?

What, did you just run in here and say,

"Oh, David, oh, David, God of mine,

guess what I did last night?"

- Okay, this is my point.

This is why I broke up with you.

If last night had happened with anybody else,

then there wouldn't be any problem with me telling David,

but because it's with you, you're screaming at me.

And David is not God.

He's just David.

Besides, you're one to talk, the way you worship Tara.

- What? - Oh, please!

Put down the crack pipe.

Whenever she's around, you turn into a freak.

It's like you're a wannabe.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, a poser.

- Fuck you! - Poser.

- Piss off! - You piss off.

Poser.

Unbelievable.

How you doing?

- Fine, and you?

- Great. Anything I can help you with today?

- Is Jennifer here?

- Sure, let me get her.

- Steve!

I thought that sounded like you.

Hi. - Hey.

- It's so great to see you.

How are you doing? - I'm doing fine.

And you?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Zack, this is my friend Steve.

Steve this is my boy, my boss, Zack.

- Your boss?

It's good to meet you.

Think I'm more than that.

- I'm sorry, my friend Steve.

I mean, Zack.

I'm sorry, my friend Zack.

So what brings you down here?

- Well, I was just in the area,

so I thought I'd stopped by to see you.

Oh, how sweet.

- You know, I had a really great time this weekend.

- Yeah, it was a fun.

- Well, I can see I'm not needed here.

I'll just be over there.

- So I was wondering if I could

take you up on that lunch offer.

- Lunch?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, lunch sounds great.

How about 12:30?

Is that good? - 12:30's great.

I have an appointment to show at 11:30,

so I'll stop back by.

- Okay.

- Well, I can see you have a lot of work to do,

so I'll see you at 12:30.

- Bye.

Who's he?

Steve's a friend.

Yeah? You went out with him last weekend?

- Zachary, are we jealous?

- No, not at all.

- Sounds to me like you're jealous.

- Well, I'm not.

Just still mad at you.

- You know what?

- What?

- I'm sorry.

I blew earlier out of proportion.

I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for telling David.

- That's right you shouldn't have.

- Stop.

Why is your shirt is so tight?

- Oh. Well, this morning, it was all I could find.

I think it's either yours or Tara's.

- Oh. I thought mine was a little big.

All right, take it off.

- Yeah, baby, yeah.

- Please, dream on.

You know, I thought that this morning

would just be a little different.

- How so?

- Well, I thought you would see

that you could have fun last night and have it with me.

- Jen Jen.

- What?

Why can't we just get back together?

- Jen.

- What?

We're so good together. We're great together.

So why?

- Because we just can't.

- Don't you love me? - It's not that, it's just...

We just can't.

- What, is it so that you can fuck other girls?

Didn't I prove to you last night that you can do that

and you can do it with me?

- For Christ's sake!

- You know what, here, it's fine!

It doesn't matter anyway

because there are plenty of other guys out there.

- What, like Steve?

Yeah, like Steve!

- Well, here are your four cues.

- They're so big.

- They sure are.

And here are your balls.

- Sticks and balls, what a great game.

- Well, we should be going.

You know, got the next table and all.

- Yeah, yeah, we gotta go.

Hey, listen, I'm Zack,

call me if you need anything.

Thank you, Zack.

- It's a solid maple core with graphite laid over it.

It has a French leather 13-millimeter tip and velvet grip.

- How well do they play?

- Oh, they play great. They're nice, solid cues.

- They really are.

I, myself, use them.

- Oh, my god, you're Tara Jackson, right?

- In the flesh.

- I saw you last night.

- You did?

- Yeah, I was watching the sports channel.

You were playing a match against that spider chick.

Yeah, wow, that was a close game.

I thought she had you with the one/nine combo,

but somehow she blew it, you came in and ran the table.

Wow.

What a run.

You were great.

- I try.

- Yeah, and you won a grip of money too.

- Oh. It all went to charity.

- That's right. You were playing for some church.

- The Mormon Orphaned Outreach Children's House.

- So you don't get to keep any of the money?

- Not that match, anyway, but some matches I do.

Well, that's cool.

- Yeah, I do it for the kiddies.

- Yeah, so what brings you here?

- I work here.

- Really?

I mean, I would have thought that pool

was a pretty good paying gig,

but I guess with the charity and all...

- "Give till it hurts," my mama says.

You know, besides, I just love the game

and this place gives me something to do all day

and still be around billiards.

- That's cool.

So you really use these cues?

- Oh, I sure do.

- Great, then I'll take it.

- Great. Will you be needing a cue case with that?

- Oh. Can she help me?

- Actually, today's my day off.

- Oh.

- So you want a cue case?

- Nah, just the cue.

- Okay, then.

- Okay.

Okay, you got it.

Thanks.

What's up with Mooch?

- What?

- Mooch.

Mormon Orphaned Outreach Children's House?

What's up with that?

- Oh.

The Players Association wanted to build my image

into a more family-friendly one.

- Mormon? Why Mormon?

What are they trying to do, up your ratings in Utah?

- Shut up. I chose Mormon.

- Why?

- Duh, I'm Mormon.

- You're Mormon?

- What's wrong with that?

- Well, nothing, except you're not Mormon, not even close.

Hell, I'm closer to it than you and I'm Jewish.

- Tell me about it.

At least it scores points with my mommy.

Helping out the Latter-day Saints and all.

- What's wrong with the present-day saints?

- Nothing, but they don't have a children's charity.

- The Mormon Orphaned Outreach Children's House?

- Uh, that's Mooch for short.

It's to boost her image and up her ratings in Utah.

- Don't forget, to please my mommy.

You're Mormon?

- Didn't we already go through this?

Oh, oh, and more importantly,

why'd you guys sneak out on me this morning?

- Don't look at me, she was already gone

by the time I woke up.

- Me? I just didn't want to disturb your sleep.

- Oh, please.

You guys are full of it.

I wake up this morning and see you in my room crouched over,

covering your winkie with a shirt.

- Oh, we have a customer.

- "Winkie"?!

How you doing?

- Fine.

- Anything I can help you with?

- Yeah, you guys got cue sticks?

- Sure do.

- Where are they?

- Right there.

You wanna shoot some pool?

Yeah, sure.

- Rack 'em.

Heard Dr. Bob on the radio today.

- Oh, is that right?

- That's right.

- Yeah, David said something about that.

- Oh, you didn't hear it?

No. Why, what happened?

- Oh, it was a great show.

This girl calls in to get advice on how to get her ex back.

You know, she loves him, does everything for him,

but he's a typical male asshole

who doesn't care and just wants to bang

every living creature.

- Hmm, I know the type.

- Excuse me.

Sure.

- Are you guys hiring?

- What?

- Are you guys hiring?

- I heard you the first time,

but I thought you wanted to buy a cue stick.

- Oh, yeah, I do.

One/seven, corner pocket.

- I just thought this would be a cool place to work.

- Oh.

No, we're not hiring.

- Cool. Could you fill this out for me?

- What's that?

- Unemployment needs it filled out

to prove I'm looking for work.

- What?

- Unemployment makes me go around and have this signed,

so could you fill it out, sign it?

- Corner pocket. - No, but here's a pen.

You can do it.

Nine in the side pocket.

Oops.

- Anyway, so what happened on the radio show?

- Oh, it was just funny.

This girl just spills her guts on national radio.

You know, dragging all her friends into it,

naming names, implicating people.

It was so "Springer."

- What's that?

- What's what?

- That.

Well, that's Jesus and his homies having some grub.

- Why are they black?

- Inside pocket. - Oh, don't tell me

you're gonna go there.

- Where?

- You're not one of those are you?

You can't tell me that in the year 33,

there were a bunch of honkie hippies

wandering around the desert.

Hell no!

Our Lord and savior is black.

- What?

The only problem is, it's missing the 13th apostle.

- What?

- Rufus, the 13th apostle?

Do you have something against blacks and religion?

- No. - That's the attitude.

So you wanna buy it?

- Why? It's missing Rufus.

Hey, you know where I can find cheaper cue sicks?

- Yeah, that's how we stay in business,

we refer people to cheaper stores.

- Okay, where's there a cheaper store?

- There isn't.

We're the cheapest.

We're the cheapest in the world.

God says so, and so does Rufus!

- Oh!

- Idiots.

Okay, what was that all about?

What?

You don't even believe in God.

So?

- So you just chased that customer out of here.

- Guy was a dip.

Dips have money too, hon.

- That guy didn't even have a job.

- Had an unemployment check.

- True, but he wasn't gonna spend it here.

- Maybe not.

Still, who elected you high priest?

- Please. If there was a god, he'd be black.

- You mean she.

- Whatever.

- Hey, do you have any more gum?

- No, just this one.

- Mm.

Your shot.

Three in the corner.

- So, was that your first time?

- No, I've made that shot before.

- No, no, no. I mean, last night.

- Oh. No, I've had sex before too.

- No. No, no.

I mean, your first threesome.

Oh.

No, I've done that before too.

Hello.

Two in the side.

How you doing?

- I'm good.

Hello, ladies.

Hi, Brian.

- You're a lucky man to work with two lovely ladies.

- Oh, please, like you drivers don't end up

in all sorts of situations.

- That we do.

That we definitely do.

- At my last job, I had sex with a delivery driver.

- What?

- Yeah.

He was making a delivery

and I pulled him in the bathroom and we did it.

- How long had you known him?

- About a week.

- Wow.

Was it the uniform that made you so hot?

- Yeah, he was so cute in it.

Note to self: Get a uniform.

So let me get this straight,

the guy was just making a delivery

and you took him in the bathroom and nailed him?

- Pretty much.

That's not the half of it.

- What's the full of it?

- I don't even wanna know.

- Well, that's it with that,

I just mean there's other stuff.

- Other stuff?

Okay, so what's the worst,

best, craziest, most interesting thing?

- Most interesting...

Once when I was shopping,

I pulled a guy into a dressing room with me and we made out.

- Kissing? That's the most interesting?

Well, actually, we didn't kiss. I just blew him.

- Well, caress my clit with sandpaper.

What?

- Really? A blowjob?

Note to self: Go shopping with Tara in uniform.

So what else happened?

- Well, there are the orgies.

- Okay, this I gotta hear.

- What was it? When did it happen?

How many people? Who was involved?

- It happened, I guess it was about a month

after I started here.

- How many people?

- Four.

You plus four?

- Yeah, me, another girl, and two guys.

- Ah, okay, so the guy was a guy you were going out with,

or did you just pick him up?

- No, he was a friend.

And the other couple, your friends too?

- Yeah, they're swingers.

- Huh.

Wow.

You just like to put smiles on your friends faces, huh?

- Well, lots of my friends got smiles on their faces.

- Glad we're friends.

You know, that's not really an orgy,

that's more like group sex.

When I think orgy, I think six or more.

Four is group sex.

- Six, yeah, I've done six.

But that's the most.

- Really?

All couples?

- No.

One girl.

- You plus five guys?

- Yeah.

- That's not an orgy, that's a gangbang.

- Pretty much.

It was the best I ever had too.

One in each hole like Chinese finger cuffs and a plus.

- I gotta start writing this stuff down.

I could turn it into a movie.

- Yeah, that's enough shower nozzle masturbation material

for at least a week.

- Exactly.

You should videotape this stuff.

- All the time.

What?!

You guys act like that was the first time.

You videotaped last night?

Oh, please, the camera was,

like, inches from your face.

- Breaktime Billiards.

- Zack?

Yeah.

- Hi, this is Mrs. Whiteman.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Whiteman.

What can I do for you?

- You forgot to leave your balls here.

- Are you sure? I can't imagine we'd forget.

- Oh, you forgot.

When can you bring them by?

- Well, I can come now.

- Can you?

I look forward to seeing that.

Okay.

- Oh, Zack.

- David forgot to leave a set of balls.

I gotta take one over.

David did?

- Well, I'm sure it was Eddie, the dip.

- So, you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

- No, I mean about last night. Is everything okay?

- Yeah, I guess.

Are you mad at me?

- Why would I be?

- You know, 'cause the whole me, Zack.

- No.

I mean, it was kinda different, but it was cool.

So you're not jealous?

- No, not at all.

I'm just not happy, but it's not because of that.

- If you were happy everyday of your life,

you wouldn't be a woman.

You'd be a man.

That's true.

- So why are you unhappy?

- I just thought that today would be different.

I thought we'd get back together,

but it's just the same, if not worse.

- Why is it worse?

- I got mad at him for telling David about last night.

So he said, that's why he can't explore with me,

because if it happened with another girl,

there'd be no problem telling David.

- He's got a point.

- I know he does, but I still don't know what to do.

- Look, Jen, you're a great girl.

You're an awesome girl.

How many chicks would actually arrange

a threesome for their guy?

Not many.

Not to mention all the other incredible stuff

you do for him.

If he can't see it, it's his loss, not yours.

- I know, but I still don't know what to do.

- No buts, okay?

Zack is a great guy and I'm sure he'll come around,

but if he doesn't, it's his problem, not yours.

You just need to go on about yourself,

and if he does come around,

you can decide whether or not you want him back.

# Girls girls #

# Go girls girls #

# It's what you wanna hear #

# It's what you wanna hear right now #

# Girls #

# Go girls #

Steve came by this morning.

- Who?

- Steve.

- Who's Steve?

- Steve, the guy I met at the park.

I told you about him.

He's the one who's lover left him for his hairdresser.

- Oh!

The gay guy.

- Yeah.

Mm-hm.

- So what'd he want?

- He came by to take me to lunch.

- So?

- So Zack thinks that Steve and I went out.

He got all jealous.

It was very cute.

- He doesn't know he's gay?

- No, he doesn't act flam or anything, he acts straight.

Hm.

# The touch of my body #

- Come in.

# I will be the one who takes you higher #

- Who are you?

- I'm Zack.

You asked me to bring out a set of balls?

- I asked for Zack the installer.

Where's he?

- Oh.

You talked to me on the phone.

David is out doing another job.

- David?

- Yeah.

Where do you want me to leave the balls?

# Want to touch me here #

# Do you want to touch me #

Right Here.

- I gotta go.

- Hey!

Come back here!

- Guess where I am.

At Mrs. Whiteman's.

- How did you know?

It's the power of Hef.

- No fucking way.

How did you know?

I'm at the store.

Jen told me.

- Yeah, she was naked.

I know.

- How could you know that?

Telling you, it's the power of Hef.

- Will you stop that?

I know because I left her a set of balls.

I'm figuring that if she called, it's 'cause she wants me.

- Yeah, well, somehow, she got us confused.

So, did you get some nookie?

- Course not.

How come?

- Because.

- Dude, okay, you have to ask yourself,

in this situation, "What would Hef do?"

Hef would have fucked her, so should you.

Come on, man.

- Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,

this is 'cause of Jennifer, isn't it?

- No, we're broken up.

- So? - So it has nothing

to do with her.

Oh, I think it does.

- Well, it doesn't.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, that was so bad, that was just so wrong.

Oh.

I think it's because you love her.

- Fuck that, man.

She got all pissy on me this morning

for telling you about last night.

- What?

Yeah, she freaked that I told you.

- Oh, shit, man, she was telling everybody else.

What do you mean?

- She called into "The Bob and Bob Show"

this morning to talk to Dr. Bob.

- What?

Yeah, that's how I knew this morning,

she spilled her guts about last night.

- What the hell is it with Dr. Bob?

Sounded like she was looking for advice

on how to get you back.

- Yeah, well, calling a radio show

and getting mad at me is no way to do it.

That fucking bitch!

Is that right?

- Yeah, that's right!

- Ugh.

Oh.

Oh!

Ugh.

Oh, gnarly.

- So what did he say?

- Nothing really, didn't really to talk to her.

He was afraid it would invade her privacy.

Why would it do that?

- Sounds like she still sees him on a regular basis.

- Shit, she still sees him.

Apparently.

- Did he say anything else?

- Nah, I turned it off after that.

Silence being more compelling than Dr. Bob.

Probably told her to forget about you.

- Ugh.

- Oh, God, I can't believe this!

- Dude, let it go, let it go.

- World of Leisure makes the best pool tables.

- What makes them better?

- Well, solid wood, one-inch slate,

they've got seam-free lining, full profile-

- So, Tara, how's about a DNA milkshake

through a beef straw?

- Does that shit actually work for you?

- Surprisingly often.

You'll fall for it one of these days.

- Please!

- Well, see, there you go,

that's what we're looking for,

but put more into in, give me a,

"Please, David, get it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

- Like never!

- Oh, why would you say that?

- David, the only reason you wanna date me

is 'cause you can't.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,

there is so much more to it than that.

I love you.

My ass!

- Yes, I love your ass too.

- David.

I like you,

you're a nice guy,

but you're just a total loser!

- What?

- You have a bachelor's degree in engineering,

and you work here installing pool tables?

You play a game for a living.

- Yeah, and I'm doing what I love.

- So? So am I.

- Please.

You're just too afraid to go out in the real world

and do something with your life.

Instead, you spend it trying to get into girlies' panties.

- Hey, what's the opposite of above me?

It's blow me.

- Yeah, keep trying.

What, did you decide to give your balls a vacation?

- Yeah, hi, I'm calling to see

if you have a video I'm looking for.

Yeah, do you have "Harry Pussy and the Sorcerer's Bone"?

What? It's a cat and dog flick for my kids.

Yeah, cool.

- Your kids are one and two.

- I'll be by later, thank you.

The hell are you guys doing back so soon?

- Small was not home.

We waited.

No one showed, so I left a card on the door.

I had some time to kill before Johnson, so I'm back here.

- Fuck! What is it with people?

They knew that you were coming.

Breaktime Billiards.

Yeah, the guys were just there.

Well, let me get to the calendar.

Oh, no, we couldn't get them back out now.

I can get them back out next week.

Well, I'm sorry, but we're all booked up.

You'll have to take another day off of work?

Jeez, wish there was something I could do.

You know what, let me talk to the installer,

see what I can do.

Hold on.

Why do you do that?

- Do what?

- Well, put them off a week.

- Hey, fuck them.

They inconvenience us,

why the hell shouldn't we inconvenience them?

- "Ah, I see," said the man

as he picks up the hammer and saw.

- It's blind man, but you're getting closer.

Yeah, I just talked to my installer

and there doesn't seem to be any way.

Next week's the soonest.

Well, I'm real sorry.

I wish I could.

Okay, I'll set it up.

Hey, can we stop by

the video store before you drop me off?

- Sure.

Hey, where's your car?

It's at home.

- If he gets another speeding ticket,

wipes out his whole salary.

- Fuck that.

- How many tickets do you have?

- Oh, like six, but four of them are bullshit.

I mean, the cops just wanna fuck with me.

- Uh-huh. And the other two?

- Oh, they're me.

- So the four, the cops just hate poor, little Eddie?

- Well, basically.

I mean, one, I was doing like 75.

And I was just going with the flow and he pulls me over.

And comes up to the window and I'm like, "What'd I do?"

And he was just being, like, a dick.

"License and registration."

And I'm like, "Well, why?" - Eddie.

- And he's like, "Because you were speeding."

I'm like, "Well, I was going as fast as everybody else."

And he's like, "Well, that's just too bad."

I mean, what, this is just chicken shit.

- Eddie. - And his partner

was at the other end of the car

with his gun, holding up like this,

like I'm gonna do something. - Eddie!

Yeah?

- You wanna know how to get out of a ticket?

- How?

- The next time you get pulled over,

which will probably be tomorrow,

when the cop comes up to your window, here's what you say.

You ready? Eddie?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay.

Pay attention.

You look at the cop and you say, "I'm sorry, Officer.

I'm such a dipshit."

- Fuck that.

- No, I'm serious.

"I'm sorry, Officer.

I'm such a dipshit.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I shouldn't have been speeding.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm sorry."

- "Mm, I see," said the blind man

as he picks up the hammer and saw.

- No, this works.

This has gotten me out many times.

Basically, this is what cops wanna say to you.

They pull people over all day and they're tired of hearing,

"I didn't do it, wasn't me."

When all they really wanna do is call you an asshole

and tell you, "You did do it.

It was you."

But they can't.

So if you call yourself an ass

and tell them that you fucked up,

they're so relieved that someone accepts responsibility

that they'll let you go.

Besides, cops are on a power trip,

so if you apologize a lot,

makes them feel like the lawyers and judges

they weren't smart enough to become.

- Wow, that's really great.

I'll remember that if I ever need to phone a friend.

- You should.

Who ordered Mooby's?

- I did. - Ooh, I love Mooby's.

- When did Mooby's start delivering pizza?

- Oh, like a month ago.

- Are you guys staying for lunch?

- No, actually, I gotta drop Eddie off at the Porno Palace,

and then stop by Dr. Bob Johnson's on the way home.

- Oh, you don't need me for Johnson's?

- Easy fix.

- What about the bar?

- What about it? - Well, we hooking up tonight?

- I don't know.

I'll call you.

I need my check.

- Oh, right. - Oh.

That's Steve, I'm off to lunch.

- Wait, wait, wait. What about your pizza?

- Oh, I ordered it for you.

Are you coming back by later today?

Probably not.

Come on, Max.

Well, I'm off to hustle some pool.

You're leaving me too?

- Aww , does the poor baby not wanna eat lunch alone?

- No, it's just, if a customer comes in,

it'll interrupt my lunch.

- Oh, okay.

I'll have lunch with you, only because of the customers.

- What is she doing going out with that loser?

- Why do you say he's a loser?

- He just is.

- Ooh, Zacky's jealous. - Am not.

Guy looks like a total loser.

- Actually, he looked pretty hot to me.

- Yeah, well, I'm sure he's a total loser.

- How can you be jealous?

- I'm not.

- Oh, please!

Just last night, she's watching you do me,

and here you sit, jealous,

because she's having lunch with some guy.

- I'm telling you, I'm not jealous!

- Wow, man, you've got it bad.

You know, if you want her so bad,

then why'd you break up with her?

- It's complicated.

- It always is.

Well?

- Well, what?

- Oh, Christ, it's like pulling teeth with you.

Okay, do you love her?

- Well, yeah, of course, we were together for two years.

- Okay, then if you love her, what's the problem?

- Well, you've experienced life, right?

- I guess.

Sure.

- Okay, so when you're ready to settle down,

you'll know if he or she is the right one

because you'll know what else is out there.

- I suppose that's true, whether it's a he or she.

- Yeah, well, see, I don't know.

I'm not like you. I'm not like David.

I haven't lived the bachelor life.

Before Jen, I didn't date much.

There was, I had one girlfriend.

Lasted a year, and then she dumped me.

You know, there were a few dates, but that's it.

No wild sex parties, no orgies, nothing.

- That has nothing to do with it.

If I find the right one, I'll know.

I'll know, not because I've been with so many people,

but because I'll feel it inside.

I'll know I'm in love, and I bet if you ask David,

he'll tell you the same.

- I doubt that. - No, really.

I'm not out here dating to become better educated

on how to find the right person.

I'm looking for the right person.

In the meantime,

just having a damn good time and enjoying myself.

- I don't know.

- What is there to know?

You love her, that's all there is to know.

Besides, she's willing to share you.

How could you go wrong?

Do you know how many guys would kill to be in your position,

have their cake and eat it too?

- Well, that's part of it.

- Part of what?

- I love Jen.

She's great.

She'll do anything for me.

She'll do stuff that she doesn't wanna do

just because she wants to do it for me.

So what if I stay with Jen,

and we invite other chicks into bed,

and one day, I realize that I love

one of these girls more than Jen?

So I leave her.

Well, I don't wanna do that.

I don't wanna hurt her like that,

especially since she was cool enough

to allow other girls to join us.

So instead, I stay,

but I'm in love with one of these other girls

and I know that Jen isn't the one I want,

so I'm unhappy, and that isn't right either.

- Listen, that's just life.

God, If you love Jen, which I believe you do,

then you'll always love her,

and if you fall in love with one of these other chicks,

then it wasn't meant to be with Jen.

But if you walk away from this, if you leave her,

then you may never fall in love again,

and you'll have missed out

on your one opportunity to be in love.

Well, it's Friday.

Unless you're gonna start paying me for advice,

I gotta go hustle some guys out of their paychecks.

Come on, Max.

- Ugh.

Fuck.

How you doing?

- Fine.

Anything I can help you with?

- I'm looking for a pool table.

Hello?

No, I have her phone, she has mine.

Who's this?

Hello?

Hello?

Wife's phone.

- Hm, well, do you have an idea as to what size

or style of table that you're looking for?

- Who would be calling Alisha?

Hm, kinda weird?

- Excuse me for a second.

Alisha.

I just got a call from some guy looking for you.

Who was it?

What do you mean you don't know?

You should know who the fuck is calling you.

Are you cheating on me again?

Are you?

You fucking bitch.

It's that Da-Veed guy, isn't it?

- Whatever.

So, how was your lunch?

- It was good.

- Yeah? Did you tell him about us?

What?

- How could you climb all over me for telling David,

when you're calling a radio show

and spilling your guts to Dr. Bob?!

- I said I was sorry.

- No, you apologized because I proved you wrong.

It was still hypocritical of you

to have started the argument,

especially, like, five minutes after you got off the radio!

- You know what, fuck you!

You're such an asshole.

I do so much shit for you, I don't need to deal with this.

- Wait a minute, stop pulling my dick here!

You're the one that called the radio show!

- And I said I was sorry.

- Sorry because I was right!

- Sorry because I love you!

I only called that radio show because I wanted to find a way

for us to get back together again.

You only told David to brag, just to freaking brag.

This is such bullshit.

I'm so good to you.

I'm so good to you and you're willing to throw away

two years just so that you can go fuck other women?

I'm even letting you do that.

I'm telling you that you can do that with me

and that's not even good enough for you.

Who took care of this store when your grandpa died

and you cried like a baby for a week?

Who took care of you?

That was me.

Or how about when you stumbled home drunk

and you shit your pants?

Who took care of you and cleaned you up?

That was me.

That was fucking me.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Huh?

Yeah, can I help you?

- Who is it? - It's David.

- Thought you were never going to show.

Give it to me, monkey boy!

Oh, yeah, fuck me, monkey boy.

Oh, yeah, monkey boy.

Oh, give it to me, monkey boy.

You son of a bitch!

- Schmuck.

- Damn kids.

I'm going next door to ship this.

- Fine.

Hey, hey, you guys can't play here.

- Who says?

- I say.

- Who are you?

- I own this place.

- So? - So you can't play here.

- Fuck you! Let's go.

- What did you say?!

- He said, "Fuck you."

- Fuck me? Fuck you, you fucking fucks!

- Lick my asshole, you vaginal blood fart.

- Hey!

Got your notebook!

Got to be kidding me.

Fucking kids, no respect.

Be with you in a second.

How you doing?

Need a dozen chalk.

Green, please.

- What the fuck?

Excuse me?

- Why are you naked?

I lost a bet.

- Come again? I mean, say again?

- We need chalk for the bar tables across the street,

and I bet this honey the loser would come over here

and get chalk, naked.

She kicked my ass, so here I am.

- Was she real cute, blonde, about this tall?

- Yeah, she was hot too.

Damn, I sure wanted to see her naked.

- She look like that?

- Whoa, you know her.

- Is blue okay?

- No. I need the green ones right there.

- Can you move? They're next to your dick.

- Sorry, part of the bet.

$5.36

- It says $4.95.

- $5.36 with tax.

Now what?

- What kind of sick fucks are you people?!

Where is he?!

- The naked guy?

- No, you freak!

That installer of yours!

Where is he?!

- At home, I guess.

Is that him?

David, is that you?

- No, of course not.

Dr. Bob.

Where is he?

- I have his cell, I can call him.

Good, get him in here.

- Okay, but let's be rational.

I'll call him, why don't you put down the gun first?

- Why don't you call him,

and then I'll rationally stick this gun so far up your nose,

I can blow out your ass?!

Fair enough.

Let me just get the phone.

- No!

You, get him the phone!

Now!

- It's okay, Jen. It's okay.

Just grab the phone.

- Now, bitch!

- All right, all right.

There's no reason to be hostile here.

Yeah, now, bitch.

Oh, God!

Hello?

- David. - Sup?

- Dude, you better get down here.

Why?

- Because Dr. Bob is here to see you.

- Oh, shit, dude.

That crazy fuck chased me out of his house with a shotgun.

- Yeah, he's here with it now.

- Are you okay?

- Listen, you little fuck,

you better get your ass down here!

You have 10 minutes!

If you're not here, or if you call the police,

I'm gonna blow your little friends away!

Don't answer it.

- Hey, bud, it's cool.

Remember, man, we didn't do anything.

We're cool.

We're no threat.

Hey, why don't we go into the back

where we can all sit down and talk?

- No!

- Listen, bud, if somebody comes in here and sees you,

we're gonna have problems.

And you don't want problems, do you?

- No. - All right.

Nice and easy.

We'll slowly go to the back where we can all sit down.

Nice and easy.

It's cool.

Nice and easy.

Nice and easy.

- That's weird.

Why don't you have a seat?

Don't play these games with me, kid.

I'm a psychologist, remember?

- No, no, no, it's cool, it's cool.

- So don't play those games with me.

I'm tops in my field for Christ's sake!

- Well, that's my point.

Do you really wanna throw it all away for David?

- He fucked my wife!

And she fucked him.

- Are you calling her a whore?!

- No, no, no, no, no, not in the least.

- Well, she is.

She fucks everyone.

I once caught her fucking Pedro.

Fucking bitch!

He was a great gardener too.

But you love her, don't you?

Yes.

And you wanna be with her, right?

- Yes.

So you don't wanna do this, do you?

- No.

So why don't you just go home, make up with her,

and we'll forget all about this.

- Because she's a whore!

Maybe she's not.

Hey, haven't you ever wanted to have sex with another woman?

- My secretary, Janice.

Did you ever tell your wife that?

Maybe she'd be into it.

Maybe you guys just need to try swinging.

- What?

Well, it works for some people.

That way, you can both be together, in love,

just sharing your bed.

You have sex together and with other people.

- There's an idea.

Sure is.

- Are you fucking kidding me?!

Are you out of your mind?!

No, no! You're taking advice from him?

You told me to dump him.

You said that threesomes were the devil's work

and that if he chose to fornicate with others,

then he would burn in hell

and suffer God's wrath here on Earth.

- Ask who it is.

- Who is it?

David!

- Come in!

Slowly.

Shut the door.

Fuck! - Dude, it's cool!

Relax, dude, put the gun down.

- Fuck you!

You little fuck!

You fucked my wife.

My lovely wife.

You son of a bitch, how could you?!

How could you walk into a man's life and destroy it?!

I'm gonna kill you, you motherfucker!

Dude, call the cops!

Where's the phone?!

- While you're at it, call the press.

Tell them that my wife was raped by one of your installers.

- Rape? I didn't do any such thing.

- I'm a national star.

I get on TV and radio, tell my sad story,

everyone will believe it.

Even if it's disproved, they'll believe the accusation.

- You wouldn't.

- Try me.

Go on, try me. Dial the number.

Who do you think they'll believe?

May I have my weapon?

- What are you, fucking nuts?

- Maybe.

It's not loaded.

Well, if there's nothing else,

I'm gonna go home and talk to my wife about swinging.

- What the fuck?

- I gotta get some air.

- What the fuck was that?

- I don't know.

I almost died.

- It wasn't even loaded.

- Could've been.

- True.

- It does make you stop and think, man.

I gotta stop this shit.

I gotta stop fucking around and settle down,

find somebody like Jennifer.

You're so lucky.

- Me?

- Yeah, you.

That girl adores you.

And she's pretty, and she's fun,

and she's got a head on her shoulders.

You should go in there right now and ask her to marry you.

- Dude, you're just shaken up.

- No, I'm serious.

Do you wanna be like me?

I mean, do you wanna be on the run

from crazy, overrated, psycho husbands with shotguns?

I'm being serious.

What about Hef?

- What about Hef?

What about Hef?

Hef would go back in there and marry her.

- Nah. - Yeah, he would.

He did it, twice.

- Yeah, but it failed both times.

- So? He still tried.

When you find the right one, you have to try.

And she is the right one.

Don't be like me, Zack.

My life is not glamorous.

Okay, most nights, I spend alone.

And the nights that I actually am with someone,

it's just sex.

No conversation, no sharing, just sex.

Don't let her go, man.

I gotta go.

She's a little shaken.

I'll go take care of the customer.

You two can talk.

- You okay?

- We could've died.

- Well, it wasn't even loaded.

- What a stupid thing to say.

- Look, I don't wanna argue right now.

Look, it got me thinking,

and David said some things,

and Tara said some things,

and you said some things.

Look, you never bring me down.

You only do things that bring me up.

Whenever I'm around you,

I feel good, I feel great.

Very rarely is there an occasion

that wouldn't benefit from your presence,

and if there is, I can't think of one right now.

I love you and I always wanna be with you.

- I love you too.

- You will still bring your girlfriends over

for sex, though, right?

- Yeah, but only if I can bring Steve.

Steve?

- Yeah.

Honey, what's that smell?

- I don't know.

- Glad to see all is well here.

- Everything is great.

- I'm gonna get outta here.

Guys wanna to come over tonight?

Maybe a soak in the hot tub, watch some home videos?

- Sure? - Sure.

- Yeah, sure. - Sure, yeah.

Yeah.

- We'll be there.

# Can you hear me I'm not making a sound #

# Now that you hear me you would know I am drowning #

# Everyone is coming over yet I'm feeling left alone #

# Everyone is coming over yet I'm feeling so left alone #

# Now we're waiting left feeling frustrated #

# We're gonna make it I know #

# Now we're waiting left feeling frustrated #

# We're gonna make it I know #

# Now we're waiting left feeling frustrated #

# We're gonna make it I know #

# Now we're waiting left feeling frustrated #

# We're gonna make it I know #

# Well the miles feel like it's across the sea #

# But you're standing right in front of me #

# Try to catch my breath am I looking down again #

# 'Cause I've got tomorrow in my sight #

# And I'm wishing everything's all right #

# But there's always another complication #

# In our sticky situation #

# It'll be all right babe I just feel moody #

# Once you said that you'd be my king #

# You said that you'd be my everything #

# Well the miles feel like it's across the sea #

# But you're standing right in front of me #

# Try to catch my breath am I moving on again #

# 'Cause I've got tomorrow in my sight #

# And I'm wishing everything's all right #

# But there's always another hesitation #

# In your wild imagination #

# It'll be all right babe I just feel moody #

# But instability is killing me #

# I look in vain can't find you there #

# But you keep on saying how much you care #

# You know I made your heart my home #

# Think I'm packing up and moving on #

# Don't worry baby I just feel moody #

# Oh I think I got an education #

# Time for self-preservation #

# It'll be all right babe I just feel moody #

# It'll be all right babe I just feel moody #

# I just feel moody #

# It'll be all right babe I just feel moody #

# I just feel moody #

# It'll be all right babe I just feel #