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1
00:00:02,202 --> 00:00:03,168
Kids, when Lily and Marshall
started trying to have a baby,
2
00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:04,536
they went a t ttle crazy.
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00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:06,772
We've been trying and trying,
4
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,441
and still nothing's happened.
5
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,244
I'm just worried we
can't have children.
6
00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:13,712
And how long have you been trying?
7
00:00:13,713 --> 00:00:15,681
Six days.
8
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,850
Oy.
9
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:21,387
But then, months went by,
and still nothing happened.
10
00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:22,621
Something must be wrong.
11
00:00:22,622 --> 00:00:24,823
W-We're doing it a lot.
12
00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:26,091
And everywhere--
13
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:29,261
the kitchen, the bathroom,
the living room,
14
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:31,797
outside in your wait-- the kitchen.
15
00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:33,032
Seriously, Doc,
16
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,967
why isn't this happening? Look,
17
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,936
if you're really worried,
here is a number
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00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:40,706
for a reproductive
endocrinologist-- Dr. Stangel.
19
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,942
- He's the best in the city.
- Dr. John Stangel?
20
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:45,210
I don't know, baby,
do we really need a specialist?
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00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,179
Well, what's your plan, Marshall,
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00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:50,582
just have unprotected sex
day after day after day
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00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:51,884
in every position imaginable
24
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,419
until...?
25
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:56,555
Wait, it sounded worse in my head.
26
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,557
Guys, we've got a problem.
27
00:00:58,558 --> 00:00:59,858
This is the application
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00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:00,960
for the regional doubles
29
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,861
laser tag tournament
30
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:04,196
in Poughkeepsie.
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00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:06,665
Problem is, only one of
you can be my partner.
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00:01:06,666 --> 00:01:08,968
So it looks like
we've got a bake-off.
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00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,869
You may now present your arguments.
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00:01:10,870 --> 00:01:12,938
I'm not playing laser tag. I'm
absolutely not playing laser tag.
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00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:14,006
Damn it. And Marshall's
36
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:16,075
the winner.
37
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,043
Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Stangel.
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00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:19,511
It can't hurt.
39
00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:22,314
So Aunt Lily went to see Dr.
John Stangel, the man
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00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:23,983
who knew more about human
reproduction
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00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,985
than anyone in New
York City.
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00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:29,488
So I understand you
want to get pregnant.
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00:01:31,783 --> 00:01:37,783
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
44
00:01:47,035 --> 00:01:48,068
Yeah, and it cuts in and out. Ooh!
45
00:01:48,069 --> 00:01:49,904
How did you do it?
46
00:01:49,905 --> 00:01:52,840
Oh, God, you found
one of the cameras.
47
00:01:52,841 --> 00:01:54,108
I swear that's the only one.
48
00:01:54,109 --> 00:01:55,342
Wait, which one
did you find?
49
00:01:55,343 --> 00:01:56,443
What are you talking about?
50
00:01:56,444 --> 00:01:58,078
What are you talking about?
51
00:01:58,079 --> 00:02:01,549
My visit to a certain Dr. Stangel.
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00:02:01,550 --> 00:02:03,150
We'll look at all the
factors that contribute
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00:02:03,151 --> 00:02:06,420
to fertility: dietary,
environmental, genetic.
54
00:02:06,421 --> 00:02:08,622
But first, Ms. Aldrin,
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00:02:08,623 --> 00:02:10,291
do you have any questions
56
00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:11,492
for me?
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00:02:11,493 --> 00:02:14,161
Just one, "Dr. Stangel."
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00:02:14,162 --> 00:02:15,796
Where'd you get the beard?
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00:02:15,797 --> 00:02:20,201
Well, m-my
mother's Armenian.
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00:02:20,202 --> 00:02:23,270
Lily, I've been with
Barney since 9:00 a.m.
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00:02:23,271 --> 00:02:25,105
Between the sexual harassment
seminar all morning
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00:02:25,106 --> 00:02:27,341
and the secretary beauty
pageant all afternoon,
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00:02:27,342 --> 00:02:29,476
he hasn't left my sight.
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00:02:29,477 --> 00:02:31,912
Wait, so you weren't
wearing a fake beard
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00:02:31,913 --> 00:02:33,981
and examining girl parts all day?
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00:02:33,982 --> 00:02:36,116
Not today I wasn't.
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00:02:36,117 --> 00:02:38,385
Wow, we finally found
Barney's doppelg nger.
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00:02:38,386 --> 00:02:40,187
I guess we can tell you now, Lily.
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00:02:40,188 --> 00:02:43,724
That hot dog guy did
not look like Barney.
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00:02:43,725 --> 00:02:44,892
Uh, Marshall?
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00:02:44,893 --> 00:02:46,227
Yes, I know,
we made our little deal
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00:02:46,228 --> 00:02:47,528
with the universe, but...
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00:02:47,529 --> 00:02:49,964
No, we've made a binding
covenant with the universe.
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00:02:49,965 --> 00:02:51,999
We said we weren't going
to try to have kids
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00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,301
until we saw Barney's doppelg nger.
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00:02:54,302 --> 00:02:55,603
Oh, this is bad news.
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00:02:55,604 --> 00:03:00,040
This is like a black cat
walked through my uterus.
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00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:00,941
Okay, that's it.
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00:03:00,942 --> 00:03:02,543
I am going back
to Dr. Stangel
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00:03:02,544 --> 00:03:03,844
and getting thoroughly checked out.
81
00:03:03,845 --> 00:03:04,812
Or--
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00:03:04,813 --> 00:03:06,881
or cost-saving alternative:
83
00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:09,950
you could get checked out by
someone who looks just like him.
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00:03:09,951 --> 00:03:12,086
I'm gonna go scrub up;
I'll meet you in stall three.
85
00:03:13,755 --> 00:03:15,589
I still
86
00:03:15,590 --> 00:03:16,924
kind of think it's Barney.
87
00:03:16,925 --> 00:03:18,792
There's no way it's Barney.
88
00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:20,461
Hello, you must
be Mr. Eriksen.
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00:03:20,462 --> 00:03:22,096
I am Dr. Stangel.
90
00:03:22,097 --> 00:03:23,230
It's Barney.
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00:03:23,231 --> 00:03:24,798
Wow.
92
00:03:24,799 --> 00:03:27,835
Really, dude, bravo.
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00:03:27,836 --> 00:03:29,336
You almost got a peek.
94
00:03:29,337 --> 00:03:30,571
But seriously,
95
00:03:30,572 --> 00:03:33,274
what second-rate community
theater did you get...?
96
00:03:33,275 --> 00:03:35,342
Would you...? I...
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00:03:37,178 --> 00:03:39,680
So my wife and I are
trying to get pregnant.
98
00:03:41,983 --> 00:03:43,083
All right, Ms. Aldrin,
please just put
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00:03:43,084 --> 00:03:44,251
your feet up in
the stirrups.
100
00:03:44,252 --> 00:03:45,686
We can begin.
101
00:03:45,687 --> 00:03:46,654
Uh-uh, no.
102
00:03:46,655 --> 00:03:48,555
Can't do it. No, but, baby,
103
00:03:48,556 --> 00:03:49,990
I yanked on his beard.
104
00:03:49,991 --> 00:03:51,292
He checks out.
105
00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:52,860
I really don't have time for this.
No, Barney--
106
00:03:52,861 --> 00:03:54,962
Doctor, wait, please, it's...
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00:03:54,963 --> 00:03:56,664
Can you just give
us a couple minutes?
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00:03:56,665 --> 00:03:57,831
I... Lily,
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00:03:57,832 --> 00:04:01,936
how can I convince you
that this is not Barney?
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00:04:03,104 --> 00:04:05,406
Wow, it is like looking
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00:04:05,407 --> 00:04:08,275
into a poorly dressed mirror.
112
00:04:13,248 --> 00:04:15,516
Okay, you have to go.
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00:04:17,686 --> 00:04:20,487
Leave the model of the vagina.
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00:04:21,423 --> 00:04:23,424
Okay.
115
00:04:23,425 --> 00:04:24,591
Convinced.
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00:04:24,592 --> 00:04:26,260
Great. All right,
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00:04:26,261 --> 00:04:28,095
you're a little low on the table.
Please scoot up.
118
00:04:28,096 --> 00:04:29,797
"Suit up"-- not convinced.
119
00:04:29,798 --> 00:04:32,066
This whole thing
stinks to high heaven.
120
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:34,068
Baby, you just saw Barney.
121
00:04:34,069 --> 00:04:36,770
He could have pulled
some crazy switch.
122
00:04:36,771 --> 00:04:39,573
Remember when his Swedish
cousin came to visit?
123
00:04:39,574 --> 00:04:41,508
Oh, yeah-- Bjorney.
124
00:04:41,509 --> 00:04:45,245
Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I
see Barney at the same time,
125
00:04:45,246 --> 00:04:48,816
I-I'll never be sure that
Dr. Stangel isn't him.
126
00:04:50,085 --> 00:04:51,218
How you doing, Lily?!
127
00:04:51,219 --> 00:04:53,654
Should I have a boner?!
128
00:04:53,655 --> 00:04:54,788
Okay, we're all done.
129
00:04:54,789 --> 00:04:56,523
I'll call you in a few
days with the results.
130
00:04:56,524 --> 00:04:57,825
Thank you.
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00:04:57,826 --> 00:04:59,860
Hey, you don't mind if I
take pictures, do you?!
132
00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:03,063
Can we leave him in
here for a while?
133
00:05:03,064 --> 00:05:04,031
I'm done for the day.
134
00:05:04,032 --> 00:05:05,432
You can leave him
in here all night.
135
00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:09,470
Aw, yeah.
136
00:05:09,471 --> 00:05:11,638
Smile for the birdie, Lil!
137
00:05:12,907 --> 00:05:15,809
Gyno-mite!
138
00:05:15,810 --> 00:05:17,945
Now, while all this was going on,
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00:05:17,946 --> 00:05:21,181
your Aunt Robin was starting her
new job at World Wide News,
140
00:05:21,182 --> 00:05:22,583
aka the big leagues.
141
00:05:22,584 --> 00:05:23,851
She was excited.
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00:05:23,852 --> 00:05:25,019
This job was a new start,
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00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,720
a clean slate.
144
00:05:26,721 --> 00:05:29,456
So, first day of work?
145
00:05:31,559 --> 00:05:34,161
Everyone, say hello to
your new research associate
146
00:05:34,162 --> 00:05:35,195
Robin Scherbatsky.
147
00:05:35,196 --> 00:05:37,031
Hi, guys. Welcome.
148
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:39,066
Oh, here comes our new
Hardfire host.
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00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:42,236
Robin, this is Sandy Rivers.
150
00:05:42,237 --> 00:05:43,971
Sandy Rivers?!
151
00:05:43,972 --> 00:05:45,339
Sandy Rivers--
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00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,741
Robin's old cohost and
my old nemesis.
153
00:05:47,742 --> 00:05:49,810
We should have sex.
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00:05:49,811 --> 00:05:51,812
Oh, I hate that guy.
155
00:05:51,813 --> 00:05:53,147
It gets worse.
156
00:05:53,148 --> 00:05:54,548
Sandy, this is...
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00:05:54,549 --> 00:05:56,216
Robin.
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00:05:56,217 --> 00:05:58,285
You two know each other?
Know each other?
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00:05:58,286 --> 00:05:59,319
We've had sex.
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00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,821
You had sex
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00:06:00,822 --> 00:06:02,189
with Sandy Rivers?
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00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:03,524
No! Ugh!
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00:06:03,525 --> 00:06:05,692
And I can't believe
it's my first day,
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00:06:05,693 --> 00:06:08,529
and already I'm the girl who
slept with the host of the show.
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00:06:08,530 --> 00:06:09,763
Already?
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00:06:09,764 --> 00:06:11,365
Were you planning on eventually
sleeping with the host?
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00:06:11,366 --> 00:06:13,901
Well, now that I know
it's Sandy, I'm not.
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00:06:18,006 --> 00:06:19,006
Hey, babe.
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00:06:19,007 --> 00:06:20,174
Hi, honey.
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00:06:20,175 --> 00:06:21,909
There's a couple
messages on the machine.
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00:06:21,910 --> 00:06:23,110
Your dad called.
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00:06:23,111 --> 00:06:25,112
He wants to know if
you have any sixes.
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00:06:25,113 --> 00:06:27,881
Yeah, uh, we got a game of
"Go Fish" going on the phone.
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00:06:27,882 --> 00:06:29,116
P.S., Pops, go fish.
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00:06:32,954 --> 00:06:34,621
Who's the second message from?
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00:06:34,622 --> 00:06:36,290
Dr. Stangel's office.
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00:06:36,291 --> 00:06:39,359
I'm extremely fertile.
You're extremely fertile!
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00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,494
Oh, my God.
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00:06:40,495 --> 00:06:42,262
I told you there was
nothing to worry about.
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00:06:42,263 --> 00:06:44,364
I got to call my dad and
tell him the good news.
181
00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:50,604
...puts the ball on
the 44-yard-line.
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00:06:54,242 --> 00:06:58,145
If you're fertile, um,
then that means I'm the problem.
183
00:07:03,847 --> 00:07:05,081
Okay, now you're being ridiculous.
184
00:07:05,082 --> 00:07:06,482
An hour ago, you didn't even think
185
00:07:06,483 --> 00:07:07,517
there was a problem.
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00:07:07,518 --> 00:07:09,352
Well, I was just putting
on a brave face.
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00:07:09,353 --> 00:07:11,821
Okay, think about it:
we've had unprotected sex
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00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:14,991
203 times in the past four months.
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00:07:14,992 --> 00:07:17,527
Obviously I'm the problem.
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00:07:17,528 --> 00:07:18,528
Problem?!
191
00:07:18,529 --> 00:07:19,829
You can't get a girl pregnant.
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00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:20,930
That's the dream.
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00:07:20,931 --> 00:07:22,165
I'd give my firstborn
194
00:07:22,166 --> 00:07:25,301
to not be able to have children.
195
00:07:26,436 --> 00:07:29,038
So, second day of work?
196
00:07:30,774 --> 00:07:31,841
What's wrong?
197
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:33,676
Oh, you didn't hear?
She's the office slut.
198
00:07:33,677 --> 00:07:34,677
Already?
199
00:07:34,678 --> 00:07:36,112
Oh, honey.
200
00:07:36,113 --> 00:07:38,915
I wish I was the
office slut.
201
00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:43,252
And we can explore how those
policy changes will affect Iraq.
202
00:07:43,253 --> 00:07:45,655
Yes.
203
00:07:45,656 --> 00:07:47,690
We definitely had sex.
204
00:07:47,691 --> 00:07:49,125
We did not have sex.
205
00:07:49,126 --> 00:07:50,793
Then why do I remember you?
206
00:07:50,794 --> 00:07:54,730
I don't know, maybe because I'm
a smart, talented, professional.
207
00:07:54,731 --> 00:07:56,299
No, none of those.
208
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,333
Oh, I remember.
209
00:07:57,334 --> 00:07:59,435
We didn't have sex.
210
00:07:59,436 --> 00:08:00,770
Thank you.
211
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,705
You're the girl who did the report
212
00:08:02,706 --> 00:08:03,673
on the carriage driver
213
00:08:03,674 --> 00:08:06,042
and slipped and fell
in horse poop...
214
00:08:06,043 --> 00:08:07,043
We did have sex.
215
00:08:07,044 --> 00:08:09,045
Oh, I-I remember now.
216
00:08:09,046 --> 00:08:10,112
Gregory,
217
00:08:10,113 --> 00:08:12,949
do me a favor.
218
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:15,384
But this reporter
takes pride in-- whoa!
219
00:08:18,188 --> 00:08:20,189
And now everyone
calls me Scherpoopie.
220
00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:23,359
It's not funny. Robin,
221
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:24,927
a word of advice: play along.
222
00:08:24,928 --> 00:08:27,463
Okay, the more you fight it,
the worse it's going to get.
223
00:08:27,464 --> 00:08:28,931
It's like when your
car slides on ice,
224
00:08:28,932 --> 00:08:30,499
- you steer into the skid.
- Mm-hmm.
225
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,634
Exactly!
226
00:08:31,635 --> 00:08:33,069
Or when your-- I don't know--
227
00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:34,804
friend invites you to a
laser tag tournament,
228
00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:35,805
you don't fight it.
229
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,373
You just strap on the vinyl holster
230
00:08:37,374 --> 00:08:38,874
and race into that
abandoned JCPenney
231
00:08:38,875 --> 00:08:40,443
guns a-blazin'.
232
00:08:41,578 --> 00:08:42,778
I'm just agreeing with Ted.
233
00:08:44,081 --> 00:08:46,649
Oh, it's my dad.
234
00:08:50,954 --> 00:08:51,954
Aren't you going to get it?
235
00:08:51,955 --> 00:08:53,623
No, no, you know what?
236
00:08:53,624 --> 00:08:55,791
Um, I'm gonna get my
stuff checked out first.
237
00:08:55,792 --> 00:08:56,859
I'll call my dad
238
00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:59,195
after Dr. Stangel gives
me the thumbs up.
239
00:08:59,196 --> 00:09:01,731
Ew! He has to do that?
240
00:09:01,732 --> 00:09:04,233
But I thought you talk to
your dad about everything.
241
00:09:04,234 --> 00:09:06,302
I only like to call
my dad with good news.
242
00:09:06,303 --> 00:09:07,603
I mean, telling him good news
243
00:09:07,604 --> 00:09:09,772
is what makes it feel real to me.
244
00:09:09,773 --> 00:09:11,173
I'm getting married!
245
00:09:11,174 --> 00:09:13,009
Yeah...!
246
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:14,510
I passed the bar!
247
00:09:14,511 --> 00:09:16,312
All right!
248
00:09:16,313 --> 00:09:17,947
I found an amazing Viking lamp
249
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,415
that fits right on
the coffee table,
250
00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:21,584
as long as we don't mind
stepping over the cord.
251
00:09:21,585 --> 00:09:23,886
That's what I'm
talking about! Right?!
252
00:09:23,887 --> 00:09:26,489
I found someone who can
fix the Viking lamp!
253
00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:31,527
But the news that I
might not be able
254
00:09:31,528 --> 00:09:32,928
to give him a grandchild?
255
00:09:32,929 --> 00:09:34,930
You know, like, I don't even know
256
00:09:34,931 --> 00:09:36,766
how to have that conversation.
257
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:39,502
I'll show you.
258
00:09:39,503 --> 00:09:42,605
"Dad, there's, uh, there's
something I need to tell you,
259
00:09:42,606 --> 00:09:45,708
"and it's going to come as
a bit of a shock to you,
260
00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:47,843
"but here goes.
261
00:09:47,844 --> 00:09:49,011
"You are speaking
262
00:09:49,012 --> 00:09:52,982
to the 2011 Tri-County
Laser Tag Co-Champion."
263
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:55,284
Barney, I've already told... "Oh,
and my sperm don't work.
264
00:09:55,285 --> 00:09:56,385
"Yeah, yeah,
265
00:09:56,386 --> 00:09:59,388
the laser tag thing is awesome."
266
00:10:01,525 --> 00:10:04,760
So, third day of work?
267
00:10:06,963 --> 00:10:08,464
And the fertilizer
is seeping
268
00:10:08,465 --> 00:10:10,333
into the ground water, causing...
269
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:13,069
Is Scherpoopie pitching
a story about manure?
270
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,339
Genius.
271
00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:20,076
Okay, yes, I, uh,
I fell into some manure.
272
00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:21,677
It's hilarious, fine.
273
00:10:21,678 --> 00:10:23,946
In a five-year career
of on-air reports,
274
00:10:23,947 --> 00:10:26,549
there are bound to be a
few embarrassing moments.
275
00:10:26,550 --> 00:10:28,384
A few?
276
00:10:28,385 --> 00:10:32,054
Uh, but in my case,
it was just the one,
277
00:10:32,055 --> 00:10:34,824
and you found it, so, uh...
278
00:10:34,825 --> 00:10:36,225
Just the one.
279
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:40,096
Gregory.
280
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,230
Oh, God.
281
00:10:41,231 --> 00:10:43,265
What did they find?
282
00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:50,406
Everything.
283
00:10:50,407 --> 00:10:54,510
* Everybody, come and play *
284
00:10:54,511 --> 00:10:57,513
I'm a dirty, dirty girl.
* Throw every last care away *
285
00:10:58,582 --> 00:11:02,752
* Let's go to
the mall today *
286
00:11:02,753 --> 00:11:04,253
* Today, today *
287
00:11:04,254 --> 00:11:06,555
The Federal Reserve Board
voted to leave interest...
288
00:11:06,556 --> 00:11:08,290
* Let's go to the mall *
289
00:11:08,291 --> 00:11:10,359
* Today
Let's go to the ma-a-all *
290
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,962
Aah. * Let's got
to the mall today *
291
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,330
* Let's go to the
ma-a-all * Today *
292
00:11:14,331 --> 00:11:15,898
* Let's go to the mall *
293
00:11:15,899 --> 00:11:17,333
* Today
Let's go to the ma-a-all *
294
00:11:17,334 --> 00:11:19,635
* Today...
Let's go to the mall... *
295
00:11:19,636 --> 00:11:22,872
They even found the video of
me getting attacked by an owl.
296
00:11:22,873 --> 00:11:24,573
You got attacked by an owl?
297
00:11:24,574 --> 00:11:26,776
I did not get attacked by an owl.
298
00:11:26,777 --> 00:11:28,978
Robin, listen,
here's what you need to do--
299
00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:31,814
Okay, don't you dare tell me
to steer into the skid, okay?
300
00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:35,184
It's too late. I'm already
wrapped around a hydro pole.
301
00:11:35,919 --> 00:11:37,086
It's a Canadian
telephone pole.
302
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,722
I never should have taken this job.
303
00:11:39,723 --> 00:11:42,358
Kids, at that moment,
I knew what I had to do
304
00:11:42,359 --> 00:11:43,559
for my friend Robin.
305
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,795
But first I had to do
something for me.
306
00:11:45,796 --> 00:11:49,398
Show me "owl attack."
307
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,368
I am freaking out.
308
00:11:52,369 --> 00:11:54,270
Is there a chance that
I can't have kids?
309
00:11:54,271 --> 00:11:56,238
I've been hit in the nuts a lot.
310
00:11:56,239 --> 00:11:58,674
Well, we won't know anything
until we run some tests.
311
00:11:58,675 --> 00:12:00,543
We'll need a sample of your sperm.
312
00:12:00,544 --> 00:12:02,211
No, no, no.
313
00:12:02,212 --> 00:12:03,245
There's a room at
the end of the hall.
314
00:12:03,246 --> 00:12:04,480
If you find yourself
315
00:12:04,481 --> 00:12:06,715
inside the elevator,
you've gone too far.
316
00:12:06,716 --> 00:12:07,783
You'd think I wouldn't
have to say that,
317
00:12:07,784 --> 00:12:08,918
but you'd be surprised.
318
00:12:14,324 --> 00:12:15,658
All yours, buddy.
319
00:12:25,735 --> 00:12:29,104
The thing you're
about to do in here--
320
00:12:29,105 --> 00:12:31,307
I did that in here, too.
321
00:12:31,308 --> 00:12:33,809
Three minutes ago.
322
00:12:34,611 --> 00:12:37,513
I was here eight minutes ago.
323
00:12:37,514 --> 00:12:39,548
14 minutes ago.
324
00:12:40,317 --> 00:12:42,985
I'm here every Thursday.
325
00:12:44,955 --> 00:12:47,957
I can't do it, Doc.
326
00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,391
Is there, like, another option?
327
00:12:49,392 --> 00:12:51,093
Could I... Could I take this home?
328
00:12:51,094 --> 00:12:52,728
Sure, you could, but, uh...
329
00:12:52,729 --> 00:12:54,964
we close in an hour and
I'm not back till Tuesday.
330
00:12:54,965 --> 00:12:57,833
So, clock is ticking. Make it fast.
331
00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:01,403
Only way I know how, Doc.
332
00:13:01,404 --> 00:13:03,739
Only way I know how.
333
00:13:08,845 --> 00:13:10,112
Surprise! Surprise!
334
00:13:14,385 --> 00:13:16,086
Mom. Dad. Uh...
335
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,321
What are you doing here?
336
00:13:17,322 --> 00:13:18,722
We hadn't heard from
you in a couple days.
337
00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:20,057
We were worried about you.
338
00:13:20,058 --> 00:13:22,192
For God's sake, son.
Do you have any sixes?
339
00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:23,660
Go fish.
340
00:13:24,662 --> 00:13:25,996
Excuse me. Hey, Lily,
341
00:13:25,997 --> 00:13:28,532
can I just talk to you in
here for a minute? Oh, yeah.
342
00:13:28,533 --> 00:13:31,201
Isn't it great?
They just showed up.
343
00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,403
Your mom's already
rearranged my kitchen,
344
00:13:33,404 --> 00:13:35,472
organized my closet...
345
00:13:35,473 --> 00:13:37,374
and she asked me if I lost height.
346
00:13:37,375 --> 00:13:39,276
Not weight. Height.
347
00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:41,145
Yeah, I'm very excited
that they're here, too.
348
00:13:41,146 --> 00:13:44,515
But right now, I have to get
excited about something else.
349
00:13:44,516 --> 00:13:47,584
Oh, okay. Well,
I'll go handle your parents.
350
00:13:47,585 --> 00:13:50,287
And you handle your, well...
351
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:53,023
Wait, wait, wait. Marshall.
352
00:13:54,225 --> 00:13:56,293
Thank you, baby. You're the best.
353
00:13:59,597 --> 00:14:01,565
Marshall. Marshall.
354
00:14:01,566 --> 00:14:04,835
I just got my new bathing suit
for the beach this summer.
355
00:14:04,836 --> 00:14:07,271
It's a two-piece.
I mean, can you imagine?
356
00:14:07,272 --> 00:14:08,806
Me in a two-piece
357
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,307
bathing suit at my age?
358
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,608
Just picture it!
359
00:14:11,609 --> 00:14:13,310
Picture it!
360
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:14,878
That's why Fred Cox
361
00:14:14,879 --> 00:14:16,780
is the greatest kicker
the Vikings ever had.
362
00:14:17,582 --> 00:14:20,584
Seriously, Marshall, picture it.
363
00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:22,152
Just picture it.
364
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,620
Give me a "C." Give me an "O."
365
00:14:23,621 --> 00:14:24,822
Give me an "X."
366
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,224
What's that spell? Cox! Cox!
367
00:14:27,225 --> 00:14:30,194
Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox!
368
00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:32,162
Uh...
369
00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:35,332
Okay, I did a bad thing last night.
370
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,434
I looked up his address.
371
00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:40,037
Who?
372
00:14:40,038 --> 00:14:41,872
Sorry. You said "who."
373
00:14:41,873 --> 00:14:43,440
It reminded me of the owl footage.
374
00:14:43,441 --> 00:14:44,608
Genius.
375
00:14:44,609 --> 00:14:45,776
No.
376
00:14:45,777 --> 00:14:47,711
Sandy. How dare he laugh at you.
377
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:49,413
Who does he think...
378
00:14:49,414 --> 00:14:50,781
Sorry. "Who."
379
00:14:51,649 --> 00:14:53,317
Anyway.
380
00:14:53,318 --> 00:14:54,918
I looked up his address
in your contact list.
381
00:14:54,919 --> 00:14:56,887
Oh, God. Tell me you
didn't go over there.
382
00:14:56,888 --> 00:14:59,623
I just thought he needed
to listen to common sense
383
00:14:59,624 --> 00:15:01,124
and reasonable discourse.
384
00:15:01,125 --> 00:15:03,594
Oh, God. Tell me those aren't
the names of your fists.
385
00:15:03,595 --> 00:15:05,295
They're my feet.
386
00:15:05,296 --> 00:15:06,630
I'm actually
more of a kicker.
387
00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:09,666
So I went to his apartment.
388
00:15:13,638 --> 00:15:15,906
Ah...
389
00:15:21,579 --> 00:15:23,881
You're not the pizza guy.
390
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,920
Oh, my God. This is...
391
00:15:29,921 --> 00:15:32,589
This is how you make sure Sandy
never makes fun of you again.
392
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:35,359
I told you to steer into the skid.
That was bad advice.
393
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,693
So new advice.
394
00:15:36,694 --> 00:15:39,096
Steer into Sandy, and run him down.
395
00:15:39,097 --> 00:15:42,099
If people found out
Sandy wears a toupee...
396
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,101
Really? That's
your take-away?
397
00:15:44,102 --> 00:15:46,103
Nothing on the
bear in the bra?
398
00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:47,604
Oh, no. He's very open about that.
399
00:15:47,605 --> 00:15:49,106
That's Gregory.
400
00:15:49,107 --> 00:15:50,474
Nice guy.
401
00:15:51,376 --> 00:15:53,410
And the top is so low-cut.
402
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:54,845
Your father says he has
403
00:15:54,846 --> 00:15:57,714
front-row seats to
the Minnesota Twins.
404
00:15:57,715 --> 00:15:59,283
Oh. Oh.
405
00:15:59,284 --> 00:16:00,918
By the way, Marshall,
406
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,687
we do need to know if you're
coming to Florida this summer.
407
00:16:03,688 --> 00:16:04,855
Are you coming?
408
00:16:04,856 --> 00:16:06,156
Marshall?
409
00:16:06,157 --> 00:16:08,859
Marshall, are you coming?
410
00:16:10,828 --> 00:16:13,130
This isn't working.
411
00:16:13,131 --> 00:16:14,631
Where you going, son?
412
00:16:14,632 --> 00:16:16,300
I'm-I'm going to...
413
00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:18,869
I'm-I'm going to...
414
00:16:18,870 --> 00:16:22,105
Kids, to this day, your uncle
Marshall is thankful
415
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,707
for what Lily said next.
416
00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:24,908
He's going to masturbate.
417
00:16:24,909 --> 00:16:26,076
Lily!
418
00:16:26,077 --> 00:16:28,111
Marshall, just tell
them what's going on.
419
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:32,182
And so Marshall told his
parents everything.
420
00:16:32,183 --> 00:16:34,017
And so, now, I'm just scared
421
00:16:34,018 --> 00:16:36,119
that we won't be able to
give you a grandchild.
422
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,388
Aw, Marshall.
423
00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:40,857
Hey, we don't care
about that one bit.
424
00:16:40,858 --> 00:16:43,527
And if you guys want kids,
425
00:16:43,528 --> 00:16:44,962
there are other ways.
426
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:46,363
Adoption.
427
00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:49,933
Maybe you have a good friend
who could loan you some sperm?
428
00:16:51,235 --> 00:16:53,637
Aw, yeah.
429
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,841
Maybe adoption.
430
00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:00,177
What I'm saying is,
431
00:17:00,178 --> 00:17:02,612
we love you no matter what.
432
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,883
Now, why don't you pretend
you're in high school,
433
00:17:06,884 --> 00:17:08,785
get back in that bathroom,
434
00:17:08,786 --> 00:17:11,321
and "blow dry your hair."
435
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:13,890
Wait, you knew?
436
00:17:13,891 --> 00:17:16,593
We didn't have a hair dryer, dear.
437
00:17:16,594 --> 00:17:19,396
So?
438
00:17:19,397 --> 00:17:21,898
Possibly last day of work?
439
00:17:21,899 --> 00:17:24,768
Actually, it was a good day.
440
00:17:24,769 --> 00:17:26,069
And I need more numbers
441
00:17:26,070 --> 00:17:29,239
on how the holiday season
impacted the economy.
442
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,409
Sparkles,
got anything on malls?
443
00:17:34,779 --> 00:17:36,780
Actually, Sandy,
444
00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:39,683
I have something I think
you're all gonna want to see.
445
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,453
Yes! Put him in a body bag!
446
00:17:43,454 --> 00:17:45,555
Hoo! Hoo! Hyah!
447
00:17:45,556 --> 00:17:47,257
Okay, I didn't do it. What?
448
00:17:47,258 --> 00:17:49,326
I didn't want to just
viciously attack someone
449
00:17:49,327 --> 00:17:50,827
out of the blue
like some kind of...
450
00:17:50,828 --> 00:17:52,896
Owl? Exactly.
451
00:17:52,897 --> 00:17:55,198
So, instead of taking your advice,
452
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,800
I took your advice.
453
00:17:59,971 --> 00:18:02,973
That day, Robin decided to
steer into the skid.
454
00:18:04,409 --> 00:18:06,443
And though she never quite
shook the nickname,
455
00:18:06,444 --> 00:18:09,346
Sparkles went on to do very
well at World Wide News.
456
00:18:09,347 --> 00:18:11,581
Especially after
this happened.
457
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,289
After his parents had gone
back to Minnesota,
458
00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:21,124
Marshall got the results
of his test.
459
00:18:21,125 --> 00:18:24,127
I'm afraid I have some
very bad news, Marshall.
460
00:18:25,663 --> 00:18:28,865
Judging from the results
of your test, it is...
461
00:18:28,866 --> 00:18:31,835
it is very unlikely that you'll
be able to father a child.
462
00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:33,970
Oh, God.
463
00:18:33,971 --> 00:18:35,305
I know, I know.
464
00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:36,873
It's just...
465
00:18:36,874 --> 00:18:39,176
Now...
466
00:18:39,177 --> 00:18:41,445
in some rare cases,
a regimen change
467
00:18:41,446 --> 00:18:42,712
can fix the problem,
468
00:18:42,713 --> 00:18:46,149
so I'm recommending a
spirited cardio routine.
469
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:47,517
Preferably
470
00:18:47,518 --> 00:18:48,718
with a partner,
471
00:18:48,719 --> 00:18:51,221
involving any light-based
firearm activity
472
00:18:51,222 --> 00:18:53,390
in the Tri-State area.
473
00:18:53,391 --> 00:18:56,193
Poughkeepsie, for example.
474
00:18:56,194 --> 00:18:57,994
Have you heard of the
gentlemen's sport
475
00:18:57,995 --> 00:19:00,564
known as laser tag?
476
00:19:01,165 --> 00:19:02,566
Surprise!
477
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:03,967
Damn it, Barney!
478
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:06,002
What are you doing in here?
479
00:19:06,003 --> 00:19:07,571
Think about it, Marshall.
480
00:19:07,572 --> 00:19:09,806
All entrants get 20%
off at the snack bar!
481
00:19:09,807 --> 00:19:11,441
Oh, BT-dub,
482
00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:12,676
the receptionist.
What's her situation?
483
00:19:12,677 --> 00:19:15,445
Go!
484
00:19:16,814 --> 00:19:18,014
Well, Marshall.
485
00:19:18,015 --> 00:19:19,716
I've got your results.
486
00:19:19,717 --> 00:19:21,785
And?
487
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,754
Your sperm is fine.
488
00:19:24,755 --> 00:19:26,590
My sperm is fine!
489
00:19:29,427 --> 00:19:31,261
Count, motility...
490
00:19:31,262 --> 00:19:34,131
everything's off the charts.
491
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:37,534
You, sir, have got
some strong swimmers.
492
00:19:38,369 --> 00:19:39,436
Bro, that is awesome.
493
00:19:39,437 --> 00:19:41,238
- Motility five!
- Whoa!
494
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:43,773
Nice.
495
00:19:43,774 --> 00:19:45,308
Hey, um, can I borrow your phone?
496
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,477
I want to call my dad.
Yeah, go ahead.
497
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,881
Man, this is great.
498
00:19:50,882 --> 00:19:52,516
I was expecting bad news.
499
00:19:52,517 --> 00:19:54,484
I really was.
500
00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,801
You're here! Oh, my God!
501
00:20:11,802 --> 00:20:14,037
I love you so much!
Can you believe it?
502
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:17,340
Marshall...
503
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,808
Something's happened. Um...
504
00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:23,046
Your father, he had a heart attack.
505
00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:27,284
He... He didn't make it.
506
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:34,457
My dad's dead?
507
00:20:53,811 --> 00:20:55,946
I'm not ready for this.
35123
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