Original subtitles

♪♪

Coach, can you sign this get-well card?

Not right now, Melissa.

It's for Brendon.

What's the matter? Is he sick?

No, his knee.

Remember, last week he twisted his knee,

you told him to walk it off and he collapsed in pain?

Oh yeah, that was funny. Now he's laid up,

and it'd be nice to bring him a get-well card.

That is nice. Will you sign it?

No, I'm reading. What are you reading?

I'm reading a pamphlet.

Can't you put it down for two seconds?

No, it's important.

What is it?

I'm getting my doctorate.

Really?

In the art of bartending, or what they call mixology.

It's not as easy as you think.

Lot of training goes into that.

How long is the course?

It's two nights.

Wow.

Yeah, but you get a degree.

It's not really a degree as much as it is a certificate,

but it's authenticated by the government or something.

Are you gonna quit soccer?

Well, I mean, eventually. Does that make you sad?

A little bit.

Really? Yeah?

You like this?

Hmm. Could you just sign the card?

Um, yeah. Fine. Let me see it.

"Dear Brendon..."

What do you usually write, "Get well?"

Yeah, "Get well soon," "Hope you feel better."

"What's up, idiot?"

"Love... "not "love."

Don't scribble it out. It'll look messy.

What do I write in place of that?

Keep "love." It's all right.

"Lone." I'll put "lone."

Okay. "Lone, Coach McGuirk."

Okay. Thanks, Coach.

I'm not done yet. I know, but...

"P.S. Going to bartending school,

"so when you get old enough

"come by my bar, buddy.

Love..."

Oh, damnit. Thanks, Coach.

Hey, Brendon.

It's Melissa. What? Oh, hey. Hey, guys.

And Jason. Hi, Brendon.

How are you feeling today? Thanks for coming over.

I have your homework. Should I put it in the pile?

Oh, mm-hm.

I brought you a card.

Really?

I got the whole team to sign it.

I'm not on the team but I signed it.

Let me see this thing.

See a couple of names. McGuirk, long-winded thing, not reading it.

"Happy Birthday, from Jeremy."

Does he think it's my birthday?

Not everyone remembered that you hurt your knee.

I hurt it pretty bad. I nearly cried.

I'd say, pretty close to nearly.

Shh!

I brought you something too.

What's that?

That's my dad's beard trimmer.

Thanks.

He doesn't use it anymore and it's in a nice case.

I thought it'd make a nice gift for you.

Yeah, mm-hm.

Oh, boy.

Should we talk about the movie, Brendon?

Yes. Would you like us to get you anything to drink?

Do you want me to call someone, like your mom or a doctor?

Or a hospital? No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

You're shivering. Does anyone check on you?

I really have to go to the bathroom.

Like a halfway house here. Where's your mom?

I cried wolf a few too many times

and she took my bell away.

I'm gonna crack the window, get a little circulation.

Yeah, it's a little stuffy in here.

Wheow.

What did you just say?

Did you just say "wheow"?

Wheow. Wheow.

What does that mean?

It's my new saying that I invented. You like it?

Not really.

A lot of people of do.

Oh, oh! I know, I know.

Right here! Right here's perfect!

What? We shoot the whole movie here in the bedroom.

That solves all the problems.

It's not a great idea, Brendon.

How are we going to shoot a film

about a talking horse in your bedroom? That's crazy.

Wait... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just call me crazy?

Yeah.

So, remember, we use colored water to make drinks

because it's a heck of a lot cheaper than using real booze.

Oh, that's horrible. Where's the real booze?

I guess you weren't listening.

We don't use real alcohol yet.

Huh.

Mind if I...?

No, go ahead. Teach me, Teach.

Let me introduce you to somebody that I've known for quite a long time.

Folks, say hello to R.O.B.

What's R.O.B.? It's the Rules of Bartending.

The first rule of bartending is this.

"G.B.T.B." "Go Beyond the Book."

Go beyond the book!

See these books you bought?

Get rid of 'em. Throw 'em out.

You made us buy 'em.

You're not gonna need it.

It was $45 for the book.

What do you mean, "Throw it out?"

Second rule is "A.F.A."

What's that?

Hold on, let me get the book.

A.F.A. That's not right. Hold on.

I have a question, sir.

Yes?

I have a question. How do you make a Manhattan?

Manhattan? Yeah.

We're gonna get to that later on,

because this class here is not about mixing drinks.

Any old Joe could put a Manhattan together.

What you're gonna do is making something more than drinks.

Right, but what are the ingredients

that you put in a Manhattan?

You're gonna learn that later on.

Do we eventually get another teacher?

Are you here for the day or are you the whole class?

I'm afraid we're stuck with each other.

Let me backtrack. I paid $145 for this two-day seminar.

Yes. Um-hmm.

Can I get my money back?

Hold on...

No.

Is that your wife?

What the hell's going on?

Yikes!

Good morning, Brendon. Breakfast.

Thank you, Mom.

How's the knee?

Terrific. I think something weird happened

over there at the new neighbors' last night.

I don't know what it was but I saw something strange.

What are you talking about?

I was looking out the window and... Brendon!

And something weird was going on.

Don't be looking in other people's windows!

That's not polite.

He didn't see me.

Especially when they're just moving into the neighborhood.

What are they gonna think about us?

"We better watch our step. These people are watching us."

You shouldn't spy on people. You wouldn't want someone looking over at you.

Well, I like attention.

Okay, give me the binoculars.

No, they're mine.

They're not even good. They hardly work.

Hey!

You need to get out of this room.

I'm going to the grocery store later. You should come.

It's just your knee. You can get out for an hour or so.

No, no. You can ride in that little basket.

I'm all set. I'll carry you like a little doll.

As tempting and embarrassing as that sounds, no thank you.

Eat your breakfast and stop looking in other people's windows, okay?

Bah.

Do some homework.

I will. I'm totally almost going to.

Perfect. I'll see you when I get back.

Excuse me. Could you help me, ma'am?

I can't, for the life of me, locate the parmesan cheese.

Oh, yeah, the shakey cheese.

"The shakey cheese."

I have kids. We call it "the shakey cheese."

How wonderful.

I think it's in the spice aisle.

"Spice aisle," which would be...?

Aisle number seven.

It's got cinnamon and sugar in the teddy bear.

Josie loves that.

Yes. Well, you seem to be quite a colorful character.

Raymond Burley.

Oh. Paula Small. Nice to meet you.

Wait a minute. Forgive me, but I think

I moved in behind your house.

Oh, yeah. Hi. You're... Of course.

Yeah, no, I heard the new... Well, welcome to the neighborhood.

Paula! Oh. Hey, John.

Hey, what are you doing here?

You need some help?

Me? You want a basket?

No, baskets are for wusses.

Ah, machismo. Last gasp of the Neanderthal.

Raymond Burley.

Geez, watch your feet.

John, this is my new neighbor Raymond.

Clean-up on aisle two.

Raymond just moved into the neighborhood.

Raymond, this is John McGuirk.

Nice to meet you, John.

Welcome to the neighborhood. Ray, you drink?

Occasionally.

I'm gonna be a bartender, gonna open my own bar.

So, you know, buying some stuff.

Well, maybe we'll have like a mixer in the neighborhood.

Yeah, that sounds like fun. I'd bartend your mixer.

Oh.

So, anyway... This is pleasantly awkward.

Woops. Sorry.

Hey, Brendon...

Brendon, what... Brendon!

What? What do you think?

Wanna know what I think?

I think there's been a murder.

A murder? Wheow.

What are you talking about?

Last night, I'm pretty sure I saw an argument and there was a tussle.

A tussle? A tussle.

What is a tussle?

I think my new neighbor killed his wife.

This is silly. You don't have any proof.

Did you say "poof?" "Proof!"

Wheow!

The whole "wheow" thing, it's getting annoying.

The "poof" thing is a little annoying too.

Wheow. I said "proof."

Clean out your ears. Clean out your mouth.

Clean up your attitude.

Oh, Brendon? Yeah?

My dad wants his beard trimmer back.

All right, here we go.

What do I need a stupid bartending school for?

I can teach myself right here.

Let's see who drops into McGuirk's bar tonight.

Judy. Cute. Waiting for her roommate, Alicia.

All right, let's do it.

Welcome to McGuirk's. What can I... Woops.

Girls, what can I get you?

Sex on the Beach?

I'll have that too, but the real one.

You name the beach and I'll have sex on it.

Sex on the Beach coming right up.

Just give me a minute here.

Sex on the Beach.

"Sex on Ice. Sex on the Driveway. Sex on the Beach."

Vodka. I was right.

Vodka. So what do you do for a living?

Stripper!

Wow, that must be tough work.

God, I'm drunk.

All right, here you go.

Give it a try.

That's awful.

Oh my God, I screwed it up.

Oh, your roommate's here. Alicia.

Nice to meet ya, Aleetcha.

What are you drinking? Something easy, I hope.

A Kamikaze.

All right, can do that.

You two talk amongst yourselves and one kamikaze is coming up.

Ooh, my God.

Let me make you a specialty of the house.

How about that?

Some of my own ideas.

That's the "Yeast Infection," rum and milk.

Or make you a "Dirty Frenchman,"

wine with olive juice.

What are you doing?

Who moves furniture at 3:00 in the morning?

Wheow.

Did I just say "wheow"?

Huh. Huh, huh. Let's do another drink.

Pour some whiskey...

What's left in here?

Mustard.

Add a little ice

and some milk

and some parsley.

There's a pimento on the floor.

Boom!

Suck it down.

That's good.

It's the hot mustard.

If what I think I saw last night is still what I think,

in that trunk I think there might be a body.

So, the person you think he might've murdered

is maybe in the trunk you think you saw him moving?

Is there anything you saw that doesn't have "think" in front of it?

I don't think so.

So there may not be a trunk, a murder or a guy.

Hold on, let me clarify. I think there may not be.

That answer your question?

I don't remember what my question was. Not really.

His car is gone. He left.

There's nobody there.

If I can only sneak over there

and see what's inside that trunk,

then we would answer all these questions.

About this possible murder.

About this definite possible murder.

That you maybe saw.

That I maybe think I saw.

So, do you have to go over now?

I'd love to go, but my knee.

Right, and you have a horse costume on.

I'll go.

Jason, come with me. What?

No, no. Okay, it's settled. You two go.

I can't. We'll set up a signal.

If the guy comes back, I'll pull the shade down, like this.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

That's reassuring.

Okay, look around, Melissa. Where's Jason?

Don't goof off, guys. Come on, find the trunk.

Find the trunk. Where's Jason? Where's Jason?

What are you doing over here?

You're supposed to be with Melissa.

Want a rice cake? No.

You're supposed to be in there with Melissa.

I went downstairs. I told you I wasn't going.

I don't blame you.

I can't believe she's in there, huh?

She's crazy. She's gonna get arrested.

I told her not to go. And I told her to go.

- Women. - Women.

Oh, no! He's back!

Wheow. Let's give her the signal.

Oh, dear.

Wheow, wheow!

Wheow, wheow!

What are you doing? The signal.

Why are you doing it at me?

'Cause she's all the way down there.

Wheow!

Wheow!

Wheow! Wheow!

Oh, boy. What's she doing?

I think she's learning to fly.

Why is she flapping her...

Hello?

What happened to the signal?

Brendon, he's gonna kill me!

He's gonna kill me!

Uh-oh.

This isn't going well.

He hears her. I can't watch.

He's in the room!

I don't want to hear. La la la la la la la.

She got out! Yay! All right, Melissa!

Okay, ouch. That's a little tight. Sorry.

I'm not saying it's bad, it's just a little tight.

I thought we were... It's fine.

Ow!

You're supposed to be pulling the thorns out.

I thought you pushed them through.

Melissa, you are awesome. Were you scared in there?

No, not a whole lot.

You looked scared when you called and you were screaming.

Where did I look scared from, from the safety of your home?

You looked terrified.

That was the last time I thought I'd ever talk to you.

Oh, no. What?

My cell phone. Where's my cell phone?

Oh, no!

It's on the windowsill.

Hey, kids, we have a guest for dinner tonight.

I'm sorry about the rude reception.

Quite all right, Paula.

Sometimes my kids just... Kids!

Well, Brendon's mine and these are his friends.

Yes. Well, anyway.

So, let's say dinner at 6:00?

Splendid. Six it is. I insist on bringing the wine.

Fine.

I happen to know a killer cabernet.

Oh, sounds great.

Excellent. Okay.

I'll let myself out.

All right. Ciao, ciao.

Bye-bye.

Are you crazy? He's a murderer!

What?

You invited him in, so he can't be stopped.

You're thinking of a vampire, Jason.

Or a Jehovah's Witness. Or both.

Whatever. He's a murderer.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but how rude of me to presume red.

Is red wine okay, Paula?

No, it's perfect.

I do also know a chardonnay that is to die for.

Oh, no, red's fine. I'm making lasagna.

Well, then, splendid fit. Lasagna, red.

Okay.

Au revoir.

He's a murderer, Mom. He killed his wife.

Me again.

Killer house, by the way, Paula.

Oh, thank you.

Absolutely murderous.

Yes, thank you very much.

Yes. Ta ta.

Ta ta. Tally-ho.

Don't be ridiculous, Brendon. He's not a murderer.

He's new in town, been married seven years.

He's a professor, for crying out loud.

Where's his wife now?

She's in Greece.

Probably up to her neck in it.

She's Greek. Her family lives in Greece.

She's arriving in a couple of days.

If you were married to someone for seven years,

wouldn't you have their picture on your night table?

Well, you know, just my opinion,

but some Greek women, they're not that attractive,

with the facial hair and all.

He doesn't have any pictures.

I'm Greek.

How do you know?

I'm just guessing.

Did you sneak into his house?

"Sneak" is such a strong word.

Are you kids out of your minds?

What were you thinking?

Mom, cancel the dinner, please!

Please, Mrs. Small, you have to cancel.

Still a little stung about the Greek thing.

I am not canceling the dinner.

You kids are gonna have to stop spying

and calm down and stop being so ridiculous.

By the way, Coach McGuirk's coming too.

Coach Mc... Really? Why?

He wants to be our bartender.

When Burley comes over for dinner,

I'm gonna go and get my cell phone,

but you guys have to make sure

he doesn't leave until I get back.

If he wants to leave, there's no way we can stop him.

I just said you have to!

I understand, but if he wants to leave...

We won't let him leave until you come back.

Thank you.

Unless he wants to.

Make sure he doesn't leave until I get back.

Listen, can we finish this scene?

Breathing's not easy in this thing.

I don't know how horses do it. Action!

I just... I can't. I mean, I will someday, but not now.

There's an old saying, Jenny,

that if you fall off a horse, you should get right back on,

and I think it applies to you

because you really and truly fell off a horse.

I know, but...

You're scared. I understand.

Quit it. I can't breathe. Talk faster.

He said he was jealous.

That's why he threw me off yesterday.

I can't breathe. Your horse...

Yes, yes, yes. My horse can talk.

He's driving me crazy. Can't breathe.

Are you beating that thing?

Your mom tells me you kids think your neighbor killed someone.

Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.

I love it.

Who needs a refill? Anybody? I'm open.

I'll have a little more wine.

All right. Step up.

Red or white?

The red's fi... Or do you want a mix?

Yeah, that's good.

Give ya a red-white mix. Perfect.

You want ice in that? No, just wine is good.

Throw an orange wedge in that. There's a stick.

You learned a lot at school, Coach.

Yeah. Anybody else?

How's your meal?

Of course, my internal clock has been way off,

and I've been waking up at ungodly hours.

Then, of course, I hate my wife.

Does it show?

Nope.

I work a lot and she doesn't.

She nit-picks, pecking away at me

with that shrill voice.

Brendon, why don't you go get a drink from the bar?

Um, okay.

I guess the only thing I have left really is my hobbies.

If it weren't for them, I think I would perish.

He killed her, definitely.

I'm going over there to get my cell phone back.

Make sure he doesn't leave until I get back.

You mean, Coach? No, Burley.

Hey, everyone. I have to go to the bathroom.

This could be a while. Don't wait for me.

That was good.

So, kill anyone lately?

Pardon me?

Nothing. What'll ya have?

I'll have a Sex on the Beach.

Give that a whirl.

Oh, no. Really?

Um, that one... That one's tough.

How about a beer?

Sex on the Beach, bartender. Please.

All right, coming up.

I believe this is a beer.

No, that's a Sex on the Beach.

But it's a beer.

It's a Sex on the Beach.

But I'm tasting it. It's a beer.

Well, you're wrong. I'm a bartender.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Sex on the Beach.

I'll make you another one if you don't like that one.

Let me see it. Thank you.

There we go.

Another Sex on the Beach.

Sir, I saw you open a can of beer

and pour it into a glass and put ice cubes in it.

And then an umbrella. That is not Sex on the Beach.

I implore you, make me a Sex on the Beach.

All right. Send it back, I'll make you another one.

It's a big waste of Sex on the Beach.

Sir?

The trunk.

Now I guess I will leave.

Wonderful dinner, Paula. Nice to meet your dirty children.

Did you really like it? No.

Oh. Good night.

Jason, Melissa's not back yet. We can't let him leave.

But if he wants to leave, we can't...

We need a plan to keep him here, okay?

Let's... Let's think of something. Come on.

Let's kill him. Okay. No. Then we'll be no better than him.

Let's grab onto his legs. That's a little obvious.

What are you doing? Nothing. Just relax.

If you don't mind, I'm trying to leave.

That's okay. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, it's cool. Hey, Brendon.

Hey, Jason. What are you doing over there?

Hanging out. Um, Paula...

Open. Come on, ya damn trunk.

Please, I must go.

What? Come on. We're just having fun.

Yeah, we're kids. Right.

We're having fun. Pretend to be our dad.

Yeah, pretend to be our dad. I don't want to...

Come on! Pretend to be our dad.

Be our dad for a second. We haven't seen you in a long time.

That's coming from my house.

Take that, you stupid...

Good God. Melissa, stop it.

Melissa, what happened here?

I'm sorry. I thought it was your wife's dead head.

Shim-sham. Why are you beating it up?

Good point. Raymond, I'm so sorry about all the trouble.

They're kids. They thought you murdered your wife.

You people are crazy.

I'm calling the police and having you all arrested.

Let me get this straight. You're a ventriloquist?

My name is Shim-sham. What's yours?

Brendon. But your lips are moving.

Shim-sham, now's not the time.

But I wanna do a show!

We're not doing a show now, Shim-sham.

You're an idiot!

- Shim-sham, please don't... - You don't!

- Shim-sh... - Shim-sham!

- Shim-sham, ple... - Shim-shample...

We live next to a ventriloquist. This is amazing!

Brendon, we have to go home.

I'm gonna be here every day, watching him.

Hey, kid, where you from? I'm from right next door.

- Okay, let's go, kids. - Ooh, that must be great.

Okay, Ray... Shim-sham, please, he's just a young boy.

- Don't yell at him. - I'm not a dummy.

- What? - You're the dummy.

I'm not a dummy. You're a dummy.

This guy's a real ass.

It's not me. It's Shim-sham.

- Get back in the box. - You get in the box.

- Get in the box! - You get in the box.

- No, you get in the box. - No, you get...

Closed-Captioned by J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA