Original subtitles

♪♪

Good morning, Brendon. Good morning.

You want coffee, tea, biscotti, scone?

No, no, no. Cheese sticks?

They have good cheese sticks...

We gotta make this quick

'cause I'm gonna be late for school.

Yeah.

You okay? Yeah, yeah.

You sure? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So what's on your mind?

I just wanna have, you know, a little guy talk.

Right. Guy talk, yeah.

I'll start it off. Okay.

Girls, huh? Whoo! Aren't they a little weird.

They're almost like a different species.

Uh, yeah. I guess so.

It gets so confusing sometimes.

Jason, what's going on? Do you know this girl?

Um... Her name's Penny.

She goes to school with is. She's in the fifth grade.

Do you recognize her?

No, I don't know her.

Are you and this girl a couple?

No!

No. Brandon, no.

We're in that weird phase

where we're kinda getting to know each other...

in that I've been following her for a couple weeks.

You've been following her?

No, I mean, I've been shadowing her

in order to learn about her interests.

Jason, look, I gotta split.

I got a test I gotta take.

I know, I know, I know.

Believe me, we don't have a lot of time, actually.

I do have a few questions that I wanted to ask you.

Uh-huh.

What is the... What do I say, like, right away?

Do I say, "I like you"?

Or do I get a gift or something?

Like give her, like a necklace?

I don't know. Or a CD box set?

I don't know. Maybe.

You don't know.

When it comes to women,

is honesty the best policy?

I got that one from a magazine.

I-I don't know.

Do you not understand the question?

No, I understand the question. I don't know.

Brendon, you gotta give me a little help...

in, like, 10 seconds. 10 seconds?

Yes, 'cause she's coming here.

I... I mean...

This hat on? This hat off?

I don't know...

Glasses? Do they make me look too nerdy...

or do they make me look cool like Jack Nicholson?

Tie on? Is it too formal?

There she is!

Jason, why are you hiding? I'm not hiding. I'm being coy.

Okay. That's Penny?

I can't see her. Where'd she go?

That's her, yeah.

She's ordering.

Uhhhhhhhh...

What do you think, Brendon?

Pretty amazing, right? Yeah.

Uhhhhhhh...

Look, I gotta get...

Oh, my God! We're gonna be late for school.

We should get going.

I'm actually gonna stick around

and do a little more stalking.

Stalking? Studying.

Okay. See you at school.

♪♪

Mr. Lynch! Hey! You dropped something.

You dropped... the answers... the answers to the test.

What?

I don't remember ordering a male stripper.

License, registration, proof of insurance, please.

Oh, come on. We're not gonna go through that, are we?

License, registration, proof of insurance, please.

All right.

Here's my license.

Can't really help you with the rest, Spanky.

You telling me you don't have registration?

At least I ain't drunk, right, flatfoot?

What? Huh, Johnny Law?

Please step out of the car.

Look, I got a lot of friends who are cops.

Please step out of your car.

Uh, what-his-name's a friend of mine...

Wojciehowicz. Who?

Wojo.

Please step out of the car.

Okay, look, this is confusing me

because none of your motor skills seem to be working,

but you passed the breathalyzer 100%.

I told you before, officer,

I've had a lot of problems with motor skills. Right.

And I've been through this a million times with cops.

They pull me over, they breathalyze me,

and half the time I'm not drunk.

Well, I'm writing you a ticket anyway.

For what? For speeding.

Oh. Your license is suspended.

Forgot about that.

You'll have to retake the driving test.

Have fun at traffic school.

No, no, no, no!

Brendon, she's coming.

I want you to introduce me.

What? You mean Penny? Yes!

I don't even know her. How am I supposed to introduce you?

Brendon, just do it! Ouch! Ouch!

I'll be right here. Okay.

Hey! Hey! Excuse me.

Excuse me. Penny? It's Penny, right? Yes.

Yes. Okay, listen, this is gonna sound weird...

And it is weird... It's weird to me...

But I have a friend who likes you.

What? You have a friend that likes me?

What's his name? Who are you?

Brendon. My friend's right here...

was... was right here.

I'm sorry. Um...

So this Brendon guy likes me? What's he like?

No, I'm Brendon. My friend likes you.

He was... He was just here like a second ago.

Oh! Your friend, huh? Can I meet him?

Um, he'd like for you to meet him, I guess, at some point.

Right now, maybe, if he comes back.

Oh, that's funny. You're funny. I get it.

I get what you're saying to me.

Because I don't see any friend anywhere.

No, he was just over there.

I think I understand. Gotta go.

I think we're having a misunderstanding.

Nice to meet you, whoever you are.

Oh, Lordy.

So how'd it go?

Jason! What the hell? Why'd you disappear?

I didn't. I just went... looking for my books.

You were in the locker with the door closed.

Right. It wasn't my locker. That's why I was confused.

Oh, man. Don't ask me to do that again.

What did she say? Did she say anything about me?

Oh, Lordy. Hurry, you're gonna be late for the test.

Oh, Lordy. Little help.

"B". "C". "D".

"F". "F". "F". "F".

"F". "D". Ah!

We're sorry, Mr. Lynch. Yeah, we're sorry.

We'll do better.

That's nice.

But here's a little tip. Try studying, gentlemen.

We did try studying. The test was too hard.

Yeah, we couldn't do it. Plus, nobody did good.

No! "Nobody did well."

You have to be a genius to do good on that test.

Quiet! You have to be a genius to take the test, huh?

Well, how about this?

Brendon Small, clearly not a genius... Thank you.

Got a "A-plus." Good job, buddy, Nice going.

Thanks.

I don't know how you did it, but nice going.

Okay, now, all of you for one reason or another

have been offenders of the law and have received citations,

and that's why you're here.

You're the worst of the worst.

You should be ashamed of yourselves, driving like you do.

Putting people's lives in danger.

I got a family!

I got children... in another state,

and I don't want any of you nitwits

crossing the border trying to kill my family

that I'm trying to get in touch with.

Got it? Now...

I move pretty fast, so try to keep up.

Have we got any questions so far?

Yeah, right here. Can I leave now? Ha.

Oh! Ho ho!

We got a real comedian here, folks.

I've been saving that one up.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Can he leave now, he asks me.

Oh, actually, I have a follow-up.

Can this get more boring?

Can this get more boring? Yeah.

Can this get more boring?

Am I too close to your face right now, sir?

Is this intrusive for you?

Is it too close to have my lips pressed on your ear? Little bit.

Is it weird to feel stubble rub against other man's stubble?

Is that weird for you? Is that weird for you?

Do I have coffee breath? It's not quite coffee.

Do I have coffee breath?

It's not coffee.

Do I have doughnut breath?

Do I have sugary-sweet doughnut breath?

All right, folks! We got a joker amongst us!

Come on. Get in the car.

Do I have to pretend I'm getting in or just sit down?

Drive me somewhere. All right. Fine.

Drive where you wanna go.

Drive me somewhere.

Do I have to do the thing with the fake...

Yes. Put your hands up on the wheel.

It's right there.

Don't forget to check your mirrors and adjust your seat.

All right.

Put on your seatbelt.

Put on your seatbelt.

Put on your seatbelt.

This is ridiculous.

We put on our seatbelts, class.

Put on your seatbelt.

I'll put on my seatbelt.

Now, let's pull out nice and slow 'cause there's kids at play.

All right, all right. I'm pulling out

and I didn't hit a kid.

I'm driving and I haven't gone over the speed limit.

There's a red light. I just stopped.

Thanks. Can I go now?

Nice try, pal.

He didn't go anywhere, did he, class?

Why?

'Cause his parking brake was on the whole time!

Oh, boy. I'm sorry.

All right. Let's try again. I'm sorry.

All right. Fine. I put the parking brake down.

I check my mirrors, I pull out, I drive safely.

All right? Am I done?

Okay. Now we got a stop sign coming up.

What are we gonna do there, huh?

Oh, no. No, no. What?

Oh, my God. No brakes.

I got no brakes!

I can't stop this ting!

Help! Help me!

I'm gonna hit that gas station!

I'm gonna hit the... Oh, my God! I'm hitting...

Please step out of the vehicle.

Shh. I'm not done yet.

Please get out... Huge plume. A mushroom cloud.

Get out of the car!

Aah!

Oh. Hey, guys.

You scared me.

Congratulations, Brendon.

Yeah. Congratulations.

Um... thank you? On what?

You did such a good job on the test, Brendon.

Oh, thanks. Thanks. Nice of you to come

all the way out here to tell...

Wonder how he did so well. Me, too, Perry.

Yeah, Brendon.

You must have studied really, really hard, huh?

Hmm? Yep. Yes.

Uh, stayed up all night.

Stayed up all night long.

What a model student.

I've really got to get going.

I guess you won't be needing this then, Brendon.

Where did you get that?

We saw you.

We know what you did, Brendon.

And you'll get this little piece of evidence back

when you're finished helping us out.

What? You're working for us now, Brendon.

Us now. Yeah.

It just so happens you have a particular talent

we find... interesting.

You see...

we'll be needing the answers to the test,

and you'll be supplying those to us.

Of course, we have nothing against you, Brendon,

but we'd hate to have the principal see these answers.

Oh, look at the time.

We must bid you farewell.

Yeah. It was nice running into you.

See you soon.

Shut up. Please, shut up.

The other thing, Brendon, cheating

is just another way of being prepared.

Basically, memorizing something is cheating.

You knew the answer before the test was given.

And so by taking the test

and saying that you learned that stuff...

It's cheating.

It's cheating. You're already cheating.

Wow. Yeah.

I mean, I'm discovering all this, too, as I say it.

Wait. Shh. Here comes Melissa.

She doesn't even know about the cheating stuff.

She'd freak out, okay? Just talk about something else.

All right. Ahem!

So anyway... Yeah?

Cheetahs, that animal...

Yeah, the cheetahs. Beautiful.

What are you guys talking about?

Huh? Nothing. Computers.

Cheetahs, the animal.

Computers and cheetahs. We downloaded some...

Computers and cheetahs on computers.

Really? Online, yeah.

Tell me more about it.

Cheetahs... Liars!

Brendon, I heard you.

What are you talking about?

I heard you guys talking.

Brendon, why do I have to sneak around

and eavesdrop on your conversations

to find out you were cheating?

Why couldn't you just confide in me?

Because I didn't think you'd...

What, just because I never cheat,

I'm such a square, I always study...

Yeah.

Maybe I ought to be included

in your little cheating circle.

Well, I didn't think you would.

You never let me cheat off you.

Well, that's different,

'cause I study hard and it's not fair.

Okay, everyone, you have two more minutes until I collect the quizzes.

Hey! You! Outside now.

You think you can cheat in here, huh?

No. No. I don't.

If there's one thing I do not allow, it is cheating.

You understand me?

Yeah, but I wasn't cheating.

I was sweating and...

sentences rubbed off on my arm,

and they all...

yeah, they were related to driving safety,

but just 'cause that book was next to me.

So it's not my fault, it's the publisher's fault.

They have to make books better.

But nobody cares about books anymore.

You know.

11... 12...$13.

That's about one million pennies.

"Pennies." Get it, anyone?

There's no one here.

Signed... question mark.

Maybe I shouldn't spell out the word "question mark."

I'll just write a question mark.

Mr. Lynch, can you explain photosynthesis to us again?

Yeah. Uh, we forgot what that means.

Oh, really. Well, uh...

It's good that you're interested.

Well, photosynthesis is a process

where plant life extracts food and energy from actual sunlight.

The chlorophyll in the plant allows the plant...

Hey, Walter. I'm falling asleep.

Oh, my gosh! Perry, I'm falling asleep, too.

Dream of me.

Degree of food.

Um, you're missing the most important part.

Um... hmm.

Whew.

Uhh!

Hey, Melissa. Yeah, coach?

Can I talk to you? Sure.

I got a favor to ask you. Okay.

Would you be my daughter for a day?

I'm gonna say no off the bat, but keep talking.

Let me explain.

I want you to pose as my daughter

and come with me to driving school

and help me cheat on the exam.

Cheating? Yeah. It'll be fun.

Really? Yeah.

I'll do it.

You'll help me cheat? Mm-hmm.

Let's come up with a system.

Okay. Can you wink?

Is that when you close one eye? Yes.

Am I doing it now? No, you're closing both.

Am I doing it now?

No, that's both. That's blinking.

Am I doing it now? No.

I can do it.

You're just "squinching" your face.

I can if I hold my hand over one eye. That's not gonna work.

I can't believe it.

You cheated on me. Is that what you're telling me?

I'm just... I'm floored. Who are you all of a sudden?

What about you? You cheated on me.

Cheat... How can you say that?

Are you kidding? You're joking, right?

I mean, you're crazy.

My sister told me.

She... She did? Really?

How much did she tell you?

Everything. I should have known.

And now she's off with her boss in the Mediterranean.

She is? She and I were supposed to go there.

That was my idea.

She's cheating on me.

I can't believe your own sister would sink so low.

I knew it. I can't trust you.

You cheated on me with my best friend. You're a cheater.

You're a cheater. You're a cheater.

You're a cheater. You're a cheater.

Cut! What?

Is everything okay? Hmm? Yeah.

You just called "cut" in the middle of the thing.

You did. No, I didn't, you did.

No, you did. Well, who cares.

Listen, have you heard from Jason at all?

No. Why didn't he show up today?

It's, uh, complicated.

I tried to introduce him to Penny.

Now she thinks I like her, so she's stalking me.

Jason found out because he's stalking her, and now he won't talk to me.

Why is Jason so in love with Penny anyway?

I don't know, but he was gonna ask her to go out.

He was? Are you serious? Yeah.

Nice job, Brendon.

I didn't realize he was gonna ask her to go out.

Yeah, well, he was.

Listen, I gotta get going.

Don't forget to study for the DMV test.

What? What?

I mean, don't forget to study for Lynch's test.

Oh, Lordy.

Oh, Lordy.

You may turn your tests over and begin.

Jason? Jason? Pick up.

Look, I know you're there.

I just want to talk, dude.

I don't need anybody anymore.

Come on. Pick up the phone.

I don't need Brendon. I don't need Penny.

Penny!

Penny.

Jason? Are you there?

Penny.

Your "friend" shouldn't be cheating on tests.

But he only cheated once.

And the second time he was blackmailed,

and so, you know, he didn't cheat on that one.

So his cheating days are over. Really?

I'm serious. I'm serious. My friend could have cheated.

He had the answers right there, but he declined.

He's changed. He can't handle the guilt... I'm guessing.

Does your friend have a name?

No. Uh-huh.

But I have another friend that I can assure you isn't me,

is not me, who is a stalker.

Wait. Are you being stalked?

Yes, but not by that friend,

by a different non-friend.

And what are you planning to do about that?

I don't know, but I'll tell you this.

The first stalker likes the second stalker

and that stalker is stalking me.

Oh, Mom, I didn't even tell you this.

I have a feeling that another couple of friends

are plotting to cheat the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Very funny.

What's that, sweetie pie?

Did you have something you wanted to say to Daddy?

Yes, Daddy.

And what was that, pumpkin?

I wanted to say "C"...

And then next I wanted to say B-C-C-D-A-D-F...

Slow down. Too fast.

D-D-D-A-C-F-D...

No, no, no. Slower. Slower. Slower. What?

"D". "D".

D-C-C-B-A-C-D.

Melissa, don't tell me the first one

and then shoot through the other ones.

What do you have up to?

"D". You only have "D"?

Yeah, 'cause you said "D"...

There's, like, 50 more!

Well, I know, but go through them one at a time so I can write them...

How you doing?

Okay, go ahead. "C".

Right. D-C-C-B-A-C-D.

Are you getting this?

No. What number are you on?

I'm on 17. What number are you on?

Oh, my God.

Let's start over at 1. 1?

Yes, 'cause I have no idea.

"A". "A".

All right.

What are you on now? 2!

Hey, Penny. Um, hi. How's it going?

Do you mind having a seat for a second?

Hi. What are you doing here?

Nothing. Listen, look,

when I said I had a friend that likes you, that's what I meant.

I actually have a friend that likes you.

Who isn't me.

Ooh. You don't like me.

I don't like anybody. I don't even like myself.

Oh. That's sweet. What?

You don't like yourself...

but I could like you.

Oh, boy.

What I'm saying is there's another person

that really likes you that isn't me.

So you can... What about that?

How's about a little bit of that? That's cute.

That's a little too advanced for me.

What?

Two people liking me? I don't know.

Only one person liking you.

There's just a little tiny confusion...

There's a guy named Jason.

Oh. So you're Jason now.

Oh, dear sweet Lord.

Sons of bitches!

Dirty sons of bitches!

Oh, Brendon. You were my best friend.

I hate you!

Be good to her, Brendon.

Be good to my little Penny. Bastards!

Oh. Oh. Oh. I've seen a lot of that guy in the past few weeks.

I though you hired him to follow me.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, he was doing that out of admiration for you.

He was? Yeah.

Oh. Well, he's cute. I'd stalk him.

Well, see? See? That's good.

See? Great.

Well, let me put something together, you know?

Okay, sure.

I gotta get going. Thanks, Brendon.

No!

All done there, pal? You bet.

Hey, look at that.

I didn't know you had a little daughter.

What's your name, angel?

Melissa. Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell. It's...

Tinkerbell.

Hmm. Well, McGuirk, Tinkerbell, good news.

I will be your proctor for the driving portion of the test.

Wow. How about that.

Jason, listen...

Hey, no spitting.

Stop spitting on me!

Hey! Stop it!

Aah! Aah!

Hey. These...

these are the wrong answers...

and they're really wrong.

Almost as if they cheated off the wrong test.

Those bitches tried to cheat me!

Okay, nice and slow.

Stay on your left up here.

Very good.

Your father's doing okay, Tinkerbell,

and so are you sitting politely in the back seat

like a little angel.

What a good, good girl.

What a good, little innocent angel.

Coach, I wanna go home.

Sweetheart, Daddy's taking a test now, so...

Your daughter... Sit tight.

Sorry. Your daughter calls you "coach"?

Yeah. Yes, she does.

I wanna go home.

I don't like this anymore.

I wanna go home now.

What's going on here?

You... cheated... on... me...

as... I... introduced... you... to... Penny.

How... could... you... cheat... on... me?

We cheated, okay?

We cheated on the written test. Tinkerbell.

He made me cheat. No.

Pull this car over right now!

Oh, my God!

Look out!

Hi. Hi.

I'm Jason. Hi.

You're Penny.

The fabled Jason. Yeah.

The infamous Penny. So to speak.

Uh, do you wanna go out with me?

Okay. Okay.

Hmm. That's it?

Mmm, I guess. I said okay.

This isn't as fun as stalking you.

Yeah. I see what you mean.

Uh... do you want to break up?

Uh, we were just going out just then, for, like, a minute?

Yeah.

Uh... okay.

"F", "F", and "F".

You people thought you could cheat me, huh?

No way, you three.

All three of you... pfft... pfft... pfft...

Detenzione.

Ha ha. That's what you guys get.

You should see the looks on your faces right now.

You should see...

No, wait. Don't change the looks.

Keep the looks. I'm getting my camera.

And when I come back, I wanna see those looks

'cause I'm gonna take a picture of you.

Oh, Brendon?

You're going to get it.

Closed-captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA