Original subtitles

♪♪

All right, Jeremy, let's reboot.

Wait, Aganon. I haven't finished adjusting her emotional settings.

Shoot! I got a shock!

I don't like this. Let's stop now. We can't stop now.

My mother'll be home soon and she'll have a negative reaction if she finds we created

the perfect female robot.

Hey, sailors, what's up? How about a good time?

Oh, cool. Oh, my gosh, Jeremy.

She's coming on to us faster than a 5-gig processor.

What did you set her desire levels at? 25.

25! 25.

Are you unstable? Maybe.

Do you know what I put in her desire memory? Porn.

Pornographics? Thousands of it.

Thousands of porn.

Who wants to touch my butt?

She's awesome.

Oh, my God, if my mother finds out

I have a woman of questionable character, she'll lose it.

Do you wanna touch my butt or not? No.

Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. Jeremy, no.

Yes, Aganon! Everything will be fine as long as we can control her mind and emotions.

You two are just a coupla ing geeks.

Oh, my God. Jeremy, she just swore in my house.

Shut off her power. I did, I did.

- She's not responding. - What the?

Oh, my God. Now you're swearing in my house.

Will you shut the up and help me?

I... Oh, my God. So long, mother ers.

Where you going? Stop.

I think I hear my mother coming. Uh-oh.

I think I hear my mother coming!

- My mother! - Oh, oh...

Uh, Aganon, I'm home.

What's going on... up there?

Who the is that? Shh. It's my mother.

What? Not talking to you.

Stick to the script, please. Oh, sorry.

Go sit down, Ruth.

- Ruth? - Who the is Ruth?

That's your name. Your name is Ruth the Robot.

No, my name's not Ruth, okay, nerdo?

My name is Sexy. Sexy O'Sullivan.

Aganon, why can't we control her? She's Irish?

Aganon... I'm coming upstairs to see what you two trouble makers are up to.

Oh, !

No, I didn't know the language content of...

- Well, actually, yes. - Okay, I was in it...

I had a small role in it, but it was off-camera stuff.

I wasn't even there, you know?

You know, I think I have another call.

Can you hold on a second? Hello?

Uh, hello... Hi, Mrs. Oliver.

I have a very bad problem to tell you. Uh-huh.

Junior sees the movie. He says a bad word... Okay, you know, I'm...

Lemme finish. He said bad words to the kitty cat...

and the kitty cat will not come outta the closet. Could you hold on a second?

Ing Brendon. Hi, Mrs. Mueller, have a seat.

I got two people ahead of you, but you'll be able to yell at me shortly.

You're right. Cursing is an excellent way to convey emotion, but not always acceptable.

Yeah, but in the movies it's acceptable. But not for kids.

Swearing when you're young can become a crutch,

and you'll get lazy and your vocabulary will turn to.

But I don't swear all the time.

I know, but this incident makes us both look bad.

Not both of us. Both of us.

That's why I've invited all the parents to come over and watch

a new, cleaned-up version of the movie next week.

What?

And I'll have to read the script before you shoot.

You're gonna censor me? I'm just gonna take out the potty-mouth words.

Why are you cracking down like this? And also, here.

What's that? A curse jar.

What's a curse jar? Every time you swear, you put money in the jar.

At the end of the week, we donate it to charity.

No. Here's a list of curses and their monetary values.

Holy! The F-word is $3?

Too much? Yeah.

Then don't say it.

I gotta agree with your mom. Cursing is a sign of ignorance.

Oh, ref! Ouch.

Please! Whoa.

There's no place for cursing in a civilized society. Yeah.

I'm telling you this because I'm a coach. I know.

You're just a kid. Yeah.

You can't go around cursing now. Yeah.

It'll ruin you when you get older. But do you think...

What the was that, ref! Oh.

Are you taking a! Is that what you're doing! Or are you making a call!

'Cause if you can make a call, make a call, but don't take a out there!

- That's taking a! - That's taking a in my ing mouth!

And I don't wanna eat your, you!

Wow.

Unless, Brendon... Yeah?

Unless you know how to do it right. Which you do.

Obviously. Yeah, my ears are still ringing.

Yeah. It's called creative use of words. Right.

It's like poetry, like Robert Frost. Right.

"Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy ing Evening." Right.

That kinda. That's good stuff.

But it's my poetry. Right.

It's the everyday man's poetry. Yeah, yeah.

'Cause we can't find good metaphor like the woods. Yeah.

Or the snow or the horse or that kinda stuff. Right.

Oh, ing me, ref!

Hey, guys. Erik.

Yeah. Long time, no see. Want a ing donut?

Uh... I'm good, thanks.

Hey, where's Melissa?

She's in the net. She's playing goalie today?

No, she's stuck in the net.

She's been there for like an hour. Hi, Dad!

Hi, sweetheart. Go... Go get 'em.

If in fact that's what you wanna do.

So, Erik, what are you doing with yourself?

Well, I'm dropping the kids off at Brendon's... Melissa, get back in the game.

Game's over, coach. We lost. Oh. Good game.

Hey, you kids ready?

Where's Jason? He said he'd meet us later.

So, Erik, let's do something after you drop the kids off.

You wanna go out? I'm doing something.

I'm going to my journal-writing class.

Blow it off. We'll go to the track. I like my class, John.

It's a wonderful exercise that allows me to get in touch with my emotions...

Great, well, let's go to the movies instead.

No, because I-I'm going to my class.

I... See, I already have a legal pad. Mm.

Well, let's grab a beer. We'll go to a bar...

Let's go to a... like a theme bar. I'm sorry, John.

I'm going to my journal-writing class. Pfft. Boring.

Let's play mini-golf. Go bowling. Watch a game. Go to a rodeo.

No. I'm gonna stay here.

There's an art festival along the river.

We can get a glass of wine, put out a blanket, you know?

Yeah. Buy a salami... and some cheese.

Hey, I didn't ask you to come.

In fact, I'd prefer to take the class by myself.

Hey, all women, huh? Yeah.

Now I see why you take this class, Erik.

Huh? You dog.

You dirty dog. Ruff!

Let's see your teeth, you dog.

No, but I'm not in it for the women. Oh, come on.

You're in it for the women, obviously.

No, that's...

Only for the journal writing, and that is the truth.

Jason. Finally. Where've you been? Walking.

You were supposed to pick me up.

Melissa said you were gonna meet us here.

No. Melissa, I told you I needed a ride. You did?

Sorry. I guess I wasn't listening.

Sorry? Well, sorry doesn't cut it, Melissa. I'd like an apology.

Okay, I apologize.

You've been acting kinda weird lately. Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. Everything's just fine. Let's get back to work, guys.

Stop looking at me.

Well... I see we have a new face in the class.

Would you like to introduce yourself?

You bet. Name's John McGuirk, and my buddy Erik dragged me here.

Mm. So let's get to it.

Oh! Okay!

I should probably mention that I'm single...

Uh, 38-ish... and I'm in pretty good shape.

- I play a lotta soccer. - Wow!

And I'm a journal freak. Oh!

I'm like a fanatic journal lover.

Well, that's great. Yeah.

We'll be looking forward to hearing one of your passages next week.

You want me to read... from... I thought journals were, like, private.

Well, you only read what you want others to hear.

All right. So let's listen to some journals!

How about starting off with Sondra.

So... I was dreading euthanizing Asia...

Asia was my cat's name in case anyone... forgot.

"I had begun to prepare myself to hold Asia during her death...

"To hold her until her normally busy paws went limp.

"Unfortunately, I never got that chance

"because Asia jumped out of her carrier

"and got hit by... a...

ca... car."

Seems pretty vulnerable right now. Yeah.

I should probably... ask her out.

Okay, scene eight. Brendon? What's with the jar of money?

Can I have it? Uh, it's a curse jar to stop me from swearing.

If I use a curse word like, uh...

then I have to... I know.

Then I have to put money in. Yeah.

Say, uh, that thing again.

Brendon, stop.

Don't overdo it.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna pee.

I don't trust my father!

I think he's seeing another woman.

Uh... Um...

Weeeird... Whaaat...?

Weird... Weird. What... What.

Hi. I liked your journal thing. That was good.

Thanks.

You wanna go get a drink after the class, or even now?

No. Oh.

I didn't take this class to meet someone, okay?

I took it to examine my soul.

I suggest you... go find yourself. Look...

I am beginning to not want to go out with you, so...

I suggest you turn this around.

"And then he said..." What are you doing?

I'm writing about it in my journal. Right now?

Yeah. Can't you wait?

Uh, name's John McGuirk.

M, C, Big G,

U, I... Wait a minute.

Wait, M, C, Big G...

You know what? You write it.

Uh... "then I took her journal

"and started writing in it.

"This is weird, comma, I said,

"and wrote, wait a minute,

"this is getting too weir..."

You're welcome.

Uh... you wanna go out?

What's so funny?

Hey, you. In, uh...

With the braid. Wanna go out?

Jeez, Erik, this is gonna be tougher than I thought.

- Erik? - Erik.

Oh, my G...

Erik. Yes?

What is going on with that woman... and you?

Y-You mean Joviana? Joviana?

Is that her name? Yeah.

What is she, a hippy?

It's an unusual name, I admit that.

You shouldn't make out in class. It's rude.

You know what? I can't stop thinking about this woman. Mm-hm.

I met her last semester when I first took the class. Yeah?

And I haven't seen her again until tonight.

Well, why not? I mean, seems like you two get along well,

As in, you were making out with her.

It's because of Melissa that I can't... see her more often.

Wow. Melissa doesn't like the idea of you replacing her mom, right?

No, she just doesn't like the idea of me dating.

She'd kill me if she found out. I don't think that's true.

I mean, Melissa couldn't kill you.

No, she could. She's vicious.

Hi, Daddy. I missed you.

I missed you too, sweetheart.

Hey, are your lips swollen?

What are you talking...

I smell perfume. Me too. That is so weird.

What's... What is going on? Why are your lips all puffy?

Um... because I was inflating beach balls all night.

You were kissing someone, weren't you?

What...? What, kissing?

Liar!

Sweetie... Just go home!

Go home! I'm sleeping over at Brendon's.

For the rest of my life! What?

Brendon, I'll be upstairs.

Please bring a glass of water when you come up. Wha...?

You know, you have to take a stand sometimes. Yeah, it's tough.

Families are, um, families are tough.

It's so difficult. Just the options... Yeah.

Every day shrink.

I know. What I can do in a given day.

Wanna go to a titty bar?

- Sure. - I'm in!

♪♪

It's been almost a week. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me.

Loan me your journal. You wanna borrow my journal? Why?

I'm supposed to read from mine tomorrow, and I haven't written anything.

John, you can't copy from my journal. This is my life. Erik, shut up.

Okay. I wanna see how you arranged yours. What the setup was.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable lending you my journal.

All right, I'll tell you what. Lend it to me and I'll tell you how to get Melissa back.

Okay. Here's the journal. Thank you.

How do I get her back? I don't know. But I fooled you.

You son of a bitch. Sorry. See you in class.

Hi guys. And girl.

- Oh, yeah, and girl. - Hi.

Guys, this is a private production meeting.

- So if you don't mind. - Jason.

Oops. Oops. Put in 50 cents, Walter.

- Okay. - 50 cents for.

You guys have a curse jar too?

Yeah. We heard about Brendon's, so we started our own.

Everybody's been talking about Brendon's curse word jar. And we want one too!

We wanted one and we got one! We wanted it and we got it!

It's ing awesome. Fifty ing cents, Walter.

You too. Oh, yeah.

But guys, the idea is not to swear.

Right. you. Yeah, you.

- And you, Perry. - Yeah, you, Walter.

Anyway, um... Brendon, before we start...

Bye! Bye, guys.

You know what, Brendon? Sorry to bring this up again, but... Yeah.

Can I ask you not to leave a glob of toothpaste in the sink every morning?

It's really disgusting.

Brendon, you didn't swear. Trust me, I did.

And Jason? Uh-huh?

After you shower, you might not wanna leave your wet towels on the floor.

- It's kind of unsanitary. - All right.

I gotta go. I'll see you guys tonight.

She is driving me crazy.

She also shouldn't watch me shower.

- I have to get her out of my ing house... - before I go broke or insane.

Why doesn't she just go home? Doesn't she realize she's not wanted?

Jason, um... you don't have to stay at my house every night either.

Yeah, right, funny. Good one.

Look, can you talk to her? No. No more talking.

She needs to be taken care of. What are you suggesting?

I have a plan. I don't wanna know.

You won't be involved. I'll handle it. What are you gonna do?

I don't wanna know. I'll handle it.

Gives me the creeps.

Hey, coach.

What're you reading? Erik's journal. His private journal.

Mm. May I? Help yourself.

Thank you.

Tell me if this is a good opening line. Okay.

"And so begins my journey inward. My journal to the center of McGuirk."

Oh, yeah, that's like a... You know what that reminds me of?

That movie... Journey to the Center of the Earth.

Yeah. It's supposed to, idiot. I'm being clever. Oh.

And I'm gonna be reading this in front of a roomful of women.

Oh, yeah. So I wanna impress them, I wanna get them right from the get-go.

From the title. Right, so...

I don't wanna make it dumb, like "McGuirk's kick-ass journal."

Something like that. Right. Yeah.

Wanna make it a little more... literary. Right.

And then you wanna impress 'em, make 'em think... Then sleep with 'em.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you mean, you lost my journal? I mean, I lost it.

And, like, I left it somewhere or I dropped it, I don't know.

I don't think you get it. There's personal stuff in there. My-my...

Oh, you know what? What?

I did, uh... Went to the movies. Maybe I left it there.

Why don't we swing by the movie theater and see if we can find it?

Right, right. What do you think of this? It's between these two:

"Journal to the center of McGuirk," right?

Or "Journal to the center of McGuirth-k"... with a K on the end.

You know, I can't talk to you about this. I'm too upset.

You're in here, by the way. What is all this stuff?

It's... stuff for my journal reading tonight. But why do you...?

To be quite honest with you, I didn't write a lot.

But I am gonna show a whole buncha clips of movies I like.

Okay. Good. This is... This is very good.

But, um, could you not say "damn"?

But the character is referring to the Hoover Dam.

Yeah, but... maybe you could just call it the... "big Hoover water-stopper wall"?

Mm. Okay, fine.

Um, you can leave that in. This is good, though. I like it.

But don't you think it's... too clean and boring? No. No, boring?

When Virginia O'Sullivan... love that name, much better than Sexy...

Mm-hm. When she starts going crazy and destroying the house,

and Jeremy throws down the controls and screams, "Quit clowning around,"

I... I got chills.

I mean, no. This is nice and clean.

It's... This is... Mm-hm.

I think this works.

Well, guys, let's shoot it.

Okay. Now we're gonna hear from John.

Thank you.

Okay.

Uh, the music.

♪♪ All right.

"And so begins my journey inward.

My, uh...

My journal to the center of McGuirk."

Uh... that was a waste of a rental.

Um...

♪♪

"Dear journal...

"It's Tuesday night, and I'm sitting here with... my bottle of chardonnay...

"relaying the events of my day.

"I went to the video store earlier to rent three adult videos.

"I had read some interesting reviews online,

"and always like to know what I'm renting before I go in there.

"Especially when it comes to adult videos."

Um...

Okay.

"Anyway, on Wednesday morning I woke up and... and...

"and I... performed...

"I woke up and... pre-formed...

"Pre... Something, something laundry."

Uh...

"The machine"...

Wait a minute.

I'm missing a... Lemme shut this music down for one second.

Goes from one to three.

In any event... as far as I remember, I did laundry.

There was a thing about, um...

that, uh, baby laundry detergent, which I buy 'cause it's cheaper.

Uh, but it's... also, uh...

I think I said something about it being a gimmick.

It's the same as regular detergent.

I don't know why babies need... different detergent.

Something like that.

There's that whole thing on my laundry and also about...

the laundry room in my apartment complex.

And I wrote a letter to my landlord

about them changing it to make it free laundry.

I don't think we should pay maintenance and pay for laundry.

And that was that.

Oh. Here it is.

So... yeah.

"I went and did my laundry.

"I use baby detergent 'cause it's a little bit cheaper.

"But then I was thinking, why do babies need different detergent?

"Can't they use the same one as everybody else? It's not like they'll die.

"My apartment complex has..."

Erik, we can't keep making out in the back of classrooms.

You have to stand up to your daughter.

No, I don't. See, next semester we can take cardio-kickboxing...

No. If you wanna see me again, it's gotta be on a real date.

Introduction to Grief? No.

Introduction to Latin Dance? No.

Latin Grief? Forget it.

Intermediate Hip-hop for the Grieving Latin? A real date or nothing.

You're right.

You are absolutely right. Lemme talk to her.

Secretly, Virginia, I wanna be your boyfriend. I love you.

Even though you're a robot without a heart or lungs or skin.

- Melissa? - Cut.

We're shooting here. Oh. Jeez, I'm sorry. This'll just take a sec.

Melissa, I really like this woman in class. I wanna go on a date with her.

I understand, and the answer is no. Lemme rephrase the question.

I really like this woman in class, and I wanna go out with her... on a date.

Still no.

Brendon, I thought you were gonna handle this.

She was supposed to find your journal and read it. You mean this?

I found it at the soccer field.

So, did you read it? I'm not gonna read my father's journal. That's gross.

If you read it, it would help you to understand.

I don't want to. Read it, Melissa.

Yeah, read it. Read it.

All right, I'll read it.

Another game of chess, Brendon?

Nah, I think three's my limit. Plus we don't know how to play chess at all.

I really like the pieces. The pieces are fun.

I didn't read the whole thing. I couldn't.

I got to the part that says, "Dear journal, I am so lonely.

"I am really pathetic, and I really, really need a date."

I did not write that. Sorry, I put that in there.

Sorry. Forget about the journal.

Remember that time we found a little bird? Yeah.

And we took it in and nursed it back to health? Uh-huh.

What we learned from nursing that bird together... Uh-huh.

Was that we nurture each other when we nurture things.

I gotta go out with this girl. Tonight. Wow.

I mean, she wants me bad. I want a woman. I need a woman. Yikes.

Erik, lemme take a shot at this.

Melissa. Mm-hm?

Men, we're an interesting group.

We have certain needs.

Jason, not your "men have needs" speech again.

He wants to have sex with ladies, Melissa. Everyone be quiet.

Dad? Yeah?

Can we compromise? Of course.

You can go out on dates, but I have to meet her by the third date,

and if I don't approve, she's history.

I'll kill her myself. Whatever you say. Do I have my daughter back?

Yes. Yay.

Thank ing God.

Brendon, you ready? Mmm.

Are we ready? Yes. Yes.

Is everybody ready? Everybody's... Mom.

Relax, please. Just push play. Here we go, everyone.

Please. I'm going outside. I can't watch this piece of crap.

Okay. Because he's so proud, it's so good. Here we go.

Did you ask Mary Beth Bushnik to the prom?

Yes. She declined.

Um, is your heart broken?

Yes. That's why I invented this female robot.

Mm-hm. Meet Ruth, the female robot.

Hel-lo.

Brendon, I wanna thank you for what you did. I really do.

Oh, don't mention it. Too late.

Hey, I have an idea for a movie

about a man who has a very controlling daughter,

and she doesn't let him date... but then he ends up dating.

That's... the worst idea for a movie I've ever heard. How 'bout this:

A rogue shark terrorizes a small island community. I like it.

Brendon. Yeah?

Your movie sucks. Yeah, that's why I'm out here.

Really sucks. I know.

Erik. What's up? Uh...

I got a call from Miss Figg. And what did she want?

She kicked me outta the class. But then she asked me out for a drink. Huh?

What do you think? Yeah... that's okay.

- Huh? - That's not bad.

Erik. Erik... my man. Y-You... You...

- You go. - Put that in your ing journal.

Yeah. Brendon.

Yeah? What are you gonna do with your curse money?

Can you give it to me? Or what? Can I have it? I don't care. Go ahead.

Thank you. It's like 50 bucks. I don't care.

What's that all about?

The movie was so boring I spliced in a scene of two dogs having sex.

Oh, that thing I gave you. Yeah.

Good move. Thanks.

Just two?

Closed-captioned by J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA