Original subtitles

♪♪ ♪ I'm a wizard, wizard, a wizard, yeah ♪

♪ I'm a wizard, wizard, a wizard, yeah ♪

♪ Electricity shoots from my finger... ♪

♪ Nails! Electricity shoots from my finger... ♪

♪ Nails! I'm a wizard, wizard, a wizard, yeah!

♪ I'll melt your brains ♪

♪ A wizard, wizard, wizard man am I ♪

♪ Moo, moo, moo, moo ♪

♪ Moo, moo, moo ♪

♪ Moo moo moo moo moo moo ♪

♪ I am a cow Moo moo moo ♪

♪ I have bells Moo moo moo ♪

♪ I am a cow ♪

♪ I milk the cows That's my only job ♪

♪ I fear the wizard He should be impeached ♪

♪ I hate my job but that's a different story ♪

♪ I have a weird relationship with a cow ♪

♪♪ ♪ I am a baker ♪

♪ And today is my birthday ♪

♪ And I just turned one years old ♪

♪ And I'm very cold 'cause I just found out ♪

♪ I'm a baker man and I live inside a baking can ♪

♪ With soft and pretty baker's hands ♪

♪ And I'm also meeeee ♪

♪♪ ♪ Now the wizard is hungry ♪

♪ Make some pies for me ♪

Yes, master, that sounds good.

Please don't kill me.

I'll give you milk. Thank you.

I'll do the milking. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Here's a pie. Let's have a...

pie fight.

Pie fight!

Pie fight! Watch out.

Ow, look out!

Here comes a pie!

Melissa, excellent. Thank you. You too, Jason.

That's so good. I have the chills.

Me too. I'm getting all nipply.

It's some of our best work.

That should be on the poster.

"The Wizard's Baker makes you all nipply."

I like it. Write that down.

Write it down.

I'm gonna write it down.

Having said that, we'd like to read off

the list of props we need to buy

to finish the Wizard's Baker project.

Jason? A castle.

We're gonna need to build one or rent one.

We're going to need a flock of pigeons

and a bird wrangler.

I have 14 minutes of uninterrupted C.G.

What's that? Oh, it's computer graphics.

So, we'll need that for the cow's dream sequence.

We need an ice sculptor and an ice puppeteer.

I'm not sure if it exists, but we need to find one.

Socks. Grandfather clock.

Kilts. Scuba gear.

A horse and buggy. A robot, and finally...

Plutonium.

A lot of it. Are you getting this?

Brendon? Turn on the lights, please.

Brendon, can you get the lights? Jason?

Yes? Maybe you get the lights.

Where's Brendon? I'm scared. Turn on the lights.

I don't... Okay, where are the lights?

It's Brendon's house. Brendon?

How are we gonna find the lights?

Brendon? Brendon? Brendon's not here.

Oh, that one over there looks like Peter Pan.

And that one looks like Pinocchio.

And that one looks like a...

What does that look like, Josie?

Yeah, looks like a Haley Joel Osment.

Haley Joel.

Josie, you're so young. Look at you.

Got your whole life ahead of you.

God, I envy you.

I envy your youth.

Don't get into show business, Josie.

Don't spend your life being dragged down

by projects that you lose interest in,

then have to sneak away from.

Brendon!

Where's my childhood gone, Josie?

Me and Melissa've been looking at the books,

which we don't have, but if we had books,

they'd say we're out of money.

We're close. Money's what we need.

Maybe this isn't the movie

we sink all our time and energy into.

What? What do you mean?

No, no. We've already sunk two months into it.

That's three times longer than anything before.

No, you know... I know.

You're not abandoning ship, are you?

No, no. No. No.

Okay.

Brendon, next step: investors.

We do have a good product. All we need is money.

Hmm.

Okay, I heard "cow."

That's me. The wizard...

Yeah. I don't think I can get behind that.

Hmm.

And also, it has a cow,

and it's very exciting.

It's not our first musical,

but I think it's our best musical.

There's a unique experience...

If you like musicals, you'll love The Wizard's Baker.

Possibly, there'll be C.D.s available.

- I play a cow. - It's an experience...

It's a fairytale. You'll never forget.

So, that didn't go so well.

Looks like it's kind of over.

No, we can think of other people.

What about Coach McGuirk? I don't know.

Coach McGuirk will give you money.

He doesn't want to invest.

How do you know?

He'll spend his money on anything.

Welcome back to the Shop at Your House Network.

Next up is Mappy. I love Mappy.

He's got a really excited look on his face.

Why are you so excited, Mappy? Come over here.

Tell us why, Mappy. Swords!

Ooh, swords! Look at those.

I'm selling the ultimate sword package.

What's included in that?

Hopefully some bandages.

All kinds of swords, finely crafted.

They're beautiful.

You can see your reflection in them.

I can see these behind glass in a living room or a den

in Middle America.

You paint a pretty picture.

Over a hearth or furnace or whatever you have.

I would see these over my work area,

down in the basement,

where I can come down alone

after an argument with my wife.

Look at the swords. Look at the swords.

Take 'em out too, and sharpen 'em.

Swing 'em around in your backyard. It's fun.

Listen to the sound.

- Beautiful. Listen again. - That is... yeah.

You could almost record that and make a musical out of it.

I would buy a C.D. of that sound.

We have only 13 minutes left on this...

Swords.

Look, let's get another close-up...

Swords.

♪♪

Those are awesome. No, they're not awesome.

There's a big difference between awesome and extremely expensive.

How'd you get the money to buy those swords? That's so cool.

I don't have the money to buy these swords.

How do you get 'em?

I gotta return 'em.

Why?

I don't want swords.

Why don't you want swords?

Who would want swords?

I do. You want to buy 'em?

No. Why?

I don't have any money. Then you're sharing and understanding my problem.

Why'd you buy 'em? It's complicated, Brendon.

What's so complicated? I can understand it. Why?

You don't understand. I could probably understand.

You would never understand unless you lived alone.

You live by yourself, get lonely and buy swords?

I don't understand.

Oh, you nailed it.

That's it? Yeah.

So, you probably won't be investing in my movie then?

No, if it requires money.

Yes. Oh, who cares about this stupid movie?

It's the biggest piece of crap.

I would rather do anything than work right now.

I should be doing stupid kid stuff, you know?

Look around this field. Look at these kids.

They're just having fun. Look at Jeremy.

Doesn't have a care in the world. He goes home and eats cookies.

I talk to him all the time. I say, "What'd you do last night?"

"Went home, ate cookies and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." That's it.

But he's obese. He's a big kid.

These are actually pretty cool.

The only reason I have anything to do with this dumb piece of crap

is Jason and Melissa are so excited about it.

Brendan, duck.

That was really close.

Jump, Brendon. Oh, my God.

Hold up that soccer ball. No.

C'mon. It'll be fun. I'll cut it in half. You're gonna kill me.

Hold it above your head so I don't hit you. Don't kill me.

Don't close your eyes. I want you to see it.

Coach, me and Eugene got to go early today.

Here is a note.

You guys got another Skunk Scout meeting?

Ya.

You going to war?

Ha ha ha, very funny. Nice swords.

You are kung fu hot shot.

Yeah.

Look. There's Brendon, we was gonna talk to him.

Brendon, me and Eugene want to talk to you

about this maybe join the Skunk Scout. Really, me?

That's right. We think you'd make a good Skunk Scout,

and also, me and Eugene get a badge for that.

I can't really join the Skunk Scouts right now.

I gotta find investors for this movie.

You will learn to defend yourself in a fire.

We know how to sew like if your shirt gets ripped.

We learn how to make stick, hunt fish and kill bear.

One time, we come so close to killing a bear,

the guy from the zoo was like, "Get outta here."

Eric almost kill a mountain lion and alligator. He threw a penny on his head.

I don't know. Guys, I've got work to do.

We learn how to make socks out of a shirt sleeve.

And how to make Caesar Salad

and how to swim okay.

Guys, I should... you know, that sounds...

It sounds like fun, actually,

but I gotta do this stupid movie.

When's the meeting?

Brendon, why are you joining the Skunk Scouts?

Yeah, this is kind of bad timing.

We have a movie to sell. This is the most stressful day of my life.

I'm being inducted into the Skunk Scouts. I don't need this drama.

What about getting investors for our movie?

I'm workin' on it with the Skunk Scout kids' parents.

They'll give us money.

But we might need your help. For what? You are goin' door-to- door for the movie, right?

But the investors might wanna meet the director, the writer... Okay, listen.

Call me when you need me to come in and close the deal.

So Jason and I start the pitch and you'll finish it.

Yes, I'll get there. Don't worry.

I get it. He shows up a little late... Like he's really busy.

Right. I like it.

I like it too. Okay, great.

Jason and I have merchandise we'd like to show you.

Fantastic. That's great. I'm excited you've been working.

If you will... What we have here, Brendon,

are the official Wizard's Baker action figures.

- Ooh... - Ooh, wow.

Here's your character, Brendon.

Wait. Hold on. That's Melissa's. Melissa's? Okay.

A goat.

- No. The cow. - The cow.

This is the cow, sort of.

Yes? It's an action figure.

Right. Are these the final versions?

Yeah. 'Course they are. Why?

Because... I... like them. Oh, Melissa. The posters.

- Right. The posters. - Posters? Wow.

Yes, and these, too, are the final versions,

approved by Jason and me.

- Get a load of these. - Whoa. Hello.

Very good. It's a beauty, right?

Wait, guys. Is this spelled right?

W-I-Z-I-R-D?

I'm not...

Jason, is that... Um... yes.

All right, well, good. Great! See ya later.

As Den Leader Lindenson,

of Troop Number Roman numeral 43,

I hereby say

you... are... in...

Hold it...

The Skunk Scouts now, yes!

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

Okay, I'll see you all next week. Thanks. Have a nice...

Mr. Lindenson, hold on.

We're supposed to talk about the Skunk Wood Derby today. Can't follow you...

I said, uh... The derby with the vroom-vroom, r-r-r-r-r...

Hold it!

Hard to concentrate.

All right. Here we go.

You build a little car

out of a little piece of 2 x 4

and race it on a sloping track,

whatever that means.

So... do that.

Is-is... Is there any other questions?

It's next week, right?

I don't know! It be next week.

Look at calendar. Afterward is spaghetti dinner, Mr. Lindensonmenen...

Okay, Mr. Attention to Every Detail. Hold on.

Oh. Okay. Right. It's next week.

Hello, sir and ma'am. Me and my friend Melissa would only like a minute of your time.

Yes. You. Do you like movies?

Do you like money? Let us in your house. We're gonna make you rich.

Rich, rich, rich.

The projected movie's money back making are, Jason?

Uh, thank you. So we're looking at at least a few million.

I would say, in the ballpark of a million or more.

I would say you're right,

and you'll be given a guarantee, as a stock-haver,

that The Wizard's Baker will indeed make...

I'm sorry. One second, Melissa.

What a beautiful baby. May I hold him? Is it a him?

Listen carefully. I wanna return the swords.

That's all. That's all I want!

- I want my money back. - I already told you, sir.

All cutlery is non-refundable.

Lady, swords are not cutlery!

Well, we like to think they are.

All right. That's it.

I am gonna use these swords in a very bad way.

All right? So when you hang up your phone,

remember, you made someone use swords in a bad way.

As long as you don't return 'em, I don't care what you do with 'em.

Thank you for calling Shop Your House.

Ahh!

Well, Brendon, the director,

he should be here any minute,

to help us explain the creative things of the film.

Again, I'm sorry about dropping your baby.

That's a very heavy baby...

I'll just go ahead and tell you about the movie. It's a classic story.

Wizards, cows. Melissa?

Yes, and you put it all together in a big, um...

Movie. Uh-huh.

And we're talking about making millions. Right.

Once you get the movie done, the millions start coming. Right.

How are we doing on time?

He should be here any second.

Your baby is eating one of the action figures. That can't be good.

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

This is fun. Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Vroom!

We get trophy if we win race.

Spaghetti dinner... It is also awards ceremony.

I will be victorious over you!

There's something very diabolical and informative about Eugene.

Rr-rr-rroom.

Naturally, our director is extremely busy.

I don't think he's coming. Scurrying around the city, finding locations...

He's not coming. Our stupid director isn't coming! Melissa, you're blowing a deal.

Why me? It's Brendon! All right! I agree! He's stupid!

You know something? This is stupid! Jason, you're blowing the deal!

No, I'm not! It's Brendon! You're the one who dropped the baby!

So? It's a fat baby! How was I supposed to hold it?

You try picking it up! I'm not picking up fat babies!

What's the matter? Chicken to pick up a fat baby?

There it is! Pick him up! That's it. I'm leaving.

Good-bye!

I am so sorry for what you just witnessed.

But I'd like to talk to you two about back-end points.

Dinner's about ready, if you wanna wash your hands.

They smell clean.

Did you get the messages that Jason and Melissa called?

Nope. Really? You didn't see this big pile of messages

that said they called about 40 times?

Brendon, are you avoiding Jason and Melissa?

Nope. Are you sure?

I'm not here. I'm not here.

Hello. I'm not here...

Hello, Jason and Melissa.

Yes, he's right here. I'm not... Thanks, Mom.

Hello?

Oh, Melissa, he lives.

Yeah, Jason. How about that? Unbelievable.

What's going on, guys? We haven't seen much of you lately, Brendon.

Well, I... The Skunk Scouts have really kept me busy.

That certainly is a very interesting story.

I hope you're having fun, because me and Melissa

are busting our asses trying to sell your movie.

Guys, I'm doing my job.

I've got a bunch of... potential clients

and I think I've got a shot at winning the Skunk Wood Derby.

I know you're like, "Why does that make a difference?"

But you guys, like, bring the sales kit when I win

and we'll sell to a captive audience at the spaghetti dinner.

Is there really a Skunk Wood Derby? Yeah.

Cool. It's pretty awesome.

But the point is, guys, I really have to go eat dinner.

See you later. Don't hang up!

Why should I take your side? Because you love me.

I do, but that won't hold up in court.

I'm on my side and I refuse to feel guilt for avoiding

the worst movie I ever wrote, directed, starred in and wrote the music for, kind of.

Don't you feel responsible in some way...

No, not at all, because I'm gonna take my name off it, so... You're acting childish.

The only reason it's gone this far is because Jason and Melissa are so into this movie.

Look, I'll get the spaghetti. You wait in line 'cause things are backing up.

All right.

So, here's the swords. I'll take the food.

I'm sorry... It's a great deal.

These swords are worth way more money than this food. Um-hmm.

I'm following you... You understand the logic?

I do. It just makes sense for your market to take these swords

and I'll take the food and go eat.

But we don't take swords. I'm not asking you to take swords all the time.

I'm asking you to take these swords now 'cause they're worth a lot of money.

If I take your swords, I have to take everybody's swords.

Check this out. Sir...

Please put that down. This is... Look.

Put the sword down. This is an exact replica of Excalibur.

It has magical powers, all right? Okay.

I don't know how to release the magical powers... Sir...

Point that towards the ground, please, and not at me.

I'm not gonna hurt you. Sir, I'm gonna call my manager.

Call your manager, 'cause then he's gonna look at the swords

and you're gonna be real embarrassed when...

Hello? Tom, can you call the police?

Sorry. You were saying?

Coach, what are you doing? Hey, Brendon.

What's goin' on? What's up?

You got a sword still? Yeah, same sword.

You got it pointed at a guy. I was showing it to him.

Everyone's afraid that you're gonna kill somebody.

I said, "I know that dude. He doesn't kill people."

No. Thank you. I had no intention of killing him.

I was trying to trade the swords for food. Oh, I see.

Hey, I have a spaghetti dinner I'm going to. Do you know that? For the Skunk Scouts.

That's great. Have fun. Do you wanna come?

Is it free? Yes.

Then I'll go.

I'm hearing police sirens. Yeah, I'd better go.

Yeah. I'll see you later. All right.

Welcome to the Skunk Wood Derby.

On my count, we start the race.

Nobody else's count. Go!

Brendon, these are the high-profile clients? Yes. No.

Yes. So you've been working on getting money from them?

Yes. We're supposed to believe that?

Yes. What?

It's just that, we have been out... Cool car.

It took me a long time to make this.

You haven't done anything! Regarding what?

The movie!

What do you mean? See, I resent that!

Brendon! You're up for the semi-finals.

Guys, listen. If I win,

then we get to pitch The Wizard's Maker, okay?

Baker. Wizard's Baker.

But we get to pitch it in front of everybody, all right? I gotta go.

♪♪

♪♪

One more time for all the contestants.

Third place goes to Junior Adelberg.

Well, that's something at least.

Second place goes to Eugene.

Yay. Yahoo. Yahoo.

And first place in the Skunk Wood Derby

goes to Brendon Small!

Thank you!

It's so great to be a part of the Skunk Scouts. I wanna thank Junior.

I wanna thank Eugene. I hope I'm not forgetting anybody.

Winning this isn't just for me. It's for everybody in Troop 43.

Troop number 43!

Yes. Yes. What about...

The pitch? What?

The pitch for the movie. The whole reason you're doing this.

For The Wizard's Baker.

Oh, no, no, no, no. They're eatin' dinner.

But this is the perfect time to get everyone's attention.

You know, now that I get up there, I don't think it's such a good idea.

We brought all the merchandise. They're in such a good mood and I just won the race,

I don't think, not now.

Forget it. I'll do it on my own.

Let's give a big round of applause for Brendon Small

for winning first place in the Skunk Wood Derby.

For those of you who don't know Brendon as well as I do,

you wouldn't know that Brendon is also a very talented filmmaker.

That's right. And we...

Me, Brendon and Melissa...

Have a new film project that we'd like to pitch to you

in order for you to invest in it.

So what do you say?

Who wants to be a part of the film business?

So if someone could just shut the lights,

here's a clip of our work-in-progress called The Wizard's Baker.

It's a musical, can you believe it?

♪ Moo moo moo Moo moo moo ♪

♪ I am a cow Moo moo moo ♪

So there you have it.

Who would like to invest their money in that?

I'm sorry, my fellow Skunk Scouts.

I'm sorry that you had to see that.

I had nothing to do with that movie! What?

Get off the stage! Get out of my world! Don't talk like that!

It's stupid! I hate it! I hate it! It doesn't make sense! It's not stupid!

Wizard's Baker doesn't make any sense!

Don't listen to him! He's crazy!

Skunk Scouters! Get him out of here! Attack!

Give me the mic! Attack, Skunk Scouts!

Give me the mic back!

Get him, Melissa! Ow!

♪ Moo moo moo ♪

Give it back! Give it, Brendon!

Let go of my hair! Let go of my hair!

Spaghetti time.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I absolutely hate The Wizard's Baker.

I think it's the worst piece of crap I've ever been a part of.

There's no way we can talk people into giving us money for it. There's no plot.

It makes no sense.

Huh. Then I guess I'll rip this up.

What is that? A check for $30,000.

Who gave you that? A retired colonel.

The Wizard's Baker is gonna get made after all.

Screw The Wizard's Baker. We got 30 grand.

Let's set up a college fund! Oh, man.

You're so practical. Come on! It'll be fun.

We'll go to the bank.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Closed-Captioned by J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA