Original subtitles

[♪ intense music playing]

[♪ intense music continues]

Hey. Here.

[horns honking]

[hammer thudding]

[horns honking]

Hey, Kirkland Jeans,

get the fuck outta the road!

[gunshot]

[people screaming]

Alright, freeze, put your hands in the air. Now!

[intense whirring]

-[ground rumbling] -[vines crackling]

-Oh, my God! -[gunshots]

Oh, God, what the hell is happening? What the...

-[people screaming] -[groans]

[♪ intense music continues]

It's finally all happening.

[vines creaking]

[people screaming]

[flesh squelching]

[screaming]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Okay, let's think. If you were a pretentious douche bag

who had a weapon that could destroy the entire planet,

where would you launch it from?

Knowing Boone, somewhere everyone could see.

[helicopters whirring]

[reporter on TV] A cautionary tale just in

to avoid the flora and evacuate the city ASAP.

[Bryce] Times Square?

Oh, God, this guy's so basic.

We gotta get to Eunice's office. Now.

[reporter] And I repeat, authorities say to avoid the flora at all costs

and evacuate the city immediately.

Bryce and Dot were supposed to come back with Monkey hours ago.

Where the hell are they?

I don't know, baby, but it's time we made other plans.

We gotta run.

Run where? You heard Dot.

This thing is gonna destroy the whole world,

not just New York.

Then I guess we'll stay alive a little longer than everybody else.

I need to do right by your father and get you to safety.

Trust me, this is what Bryce would've-- Aah!

Eunice, we gotta get going, it's getting real--

You're okay!

You're okay.

-You're okay. -Oh, my God,

were you worried about me?

What? No, no, no, no.

I was, well, I was-- I was maybe mildly concerned.

[Eunice sighs]

[Monkey whimpers]

Oh, look who thinks he could just walk back in

like everything's fine and the world isn't ending.

-[Monkey whimpering] -[Bryce] Hey, Eunice,

it's bad out there, we need bodies.

I'm gonna need you to call all your assassins.

Man, get the hell outta here with that nonsense.

If nobody came to help in Montauk,

what makes you think they're coming now?

Oh, I don't know, maybe because humans are about

to be wiped off the face of the fucking planet?

Look, my assassins don't know that and to be honest,

I don't think they even care.

They are down-and-dirty crooks, not UNICEF.

Ooh, bingo, bongo, so let's treat them like crooks.

[overlapping chatter]

Oh shit, they got snacks. That's a bad sign.

Damn, Bryce, how'd she pull this off?

Oh, yeah, Iris lied and told 'em

it was a high-paying gig [chuckles]

just like I would've done.

Hello, hello, hello.

Wanna hear something sexy?

I'm still pulling your hair out of my shower drain.

Not into hair play?

You know, I'm more into people with a backbone.

So you couldn't bother to show up to Montauk

when we needed you, but now that there's money involved,

you're suddenly here?

If this is the kind of person you are, I'm not interested.

-Oh. -Alright, so I'm thinking

I'll start things off with a light roast, you know?

Just kinda get everybody warmed up.

Hey, I know Gatling has a lot of issues with his mom,

-so I'm gonna come right-- -No, no, no, stop.

I think Monkey should take the lead on this one.

-Monkey? -Huh?

You mean the guy that moans and grunts all the time?

Actually, you know what? That might work with this crowd.

You can translate, okay?

He's got more street cred with the assassins.

Plus, nobody liked you when you were alive.

There, I got it out.

-Damn. -Okay. Ouch.

You know what, fine.

Let's make it snappy, try to keep it under 60 seconds.

A minute, 20 tops.

[assassin 1] Jesus wept. Would you hurry it up?

[assassin 2] What is this all about?

Sorry, uh, qui-quick thing.

Yeah, is this a 1099 or a W2?

Yo, what's taking so long?

-[Monkey hoots] -[Bryce] Alright, listen up.

First things first, there is no money.

-[assassin] For real? -[all groaning]

-That answers my question. -I knew y'all was bullshit.

Good to see you guys.

I'm taking these croissants and I'm leaving!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, wait, just listen. Give us two minutes of your time.

-Please don't leave. -[gun cocks, fires]

Sit your asses down!

-Yup, sitting! -Uh, yes, ma'am.

Thank you, Eunice, and thank you for your understanding.

Again, no money, not a dime.

But now, I'm gonna hand it over to this monkey.

[assassins whispering]

[Monkey grunting]

I know we're all pretty messed-up individuals

and we all probably need therapy.

-Way to win 'em over. -[Monkey chattering]

We wouldn't be in this business

if we didn't have problems we were running away from.

Our moral compass, our convictions, it's all broken.

[Monkey chattering]

We are broken, but we're also a family

and, yes, fucked-up and deeply flawed family,

and all we seem to do is hurt each other over and over again.

But that's just part of being alive.

I mean, does the perfect family even exist?

You know, maybe the Jetsons, some would argue.

[Monkey chattering]

I... Later, okay, fine.

The point is, it's not too late to make things right.

I know we all kill people for a living,

but we have the chance to be heroes for once.

This family could save the world.

[Monkey shrieking]

Now, who's with us?

[slow clapping]

[assassins cheering]

Let's save the goddamn world with our guns!

[gun firing]

-Let's go. -[whirring]

[gun firing]

Oh, man, they started off slow, but it really got there, huh?

Hey, I got you something.

Yeah, I thought maybe you'd wanna be a cool guy again.

[Monkey hoots]

[guns firing]

-[Monkey chattering] -Fuck yeah.

Yo, what's the plan?

The plan? Right, okay.

Um, any of you guys got a plan, even if it's half-baked,

-I don't care. -Dammit, ugh.

Uh, guys, look what I found.

[gasps] The coffee table.

It's a bomb. That's right, that's the plan.

We're gonna blow up the Relic,

and Boone and all those idiots with it.

-Oh. -Are you kidding me?

Those assholes shot up my damn bomb.

-[Danke speaking German] -Can you fix it, Danke?

The firing components are ruined.

I can probably get it up and running, but I need time.

-[police sirens wailing] -Uh, yeah, we might not have that luxury.

[people screaming]

[cars crashing]

Testes, testes, one, two. Is this thing on?

-What are you doing, your tight five? -[Iris] [on radio] Shut up.

I don't get why I have to be stuck here with the Geek Squad

while you guys get to have all the fun in the jungle.

[Bryce] [on radio] What? No, no, no, no, no.

You know what's fun? Computers, office snacks.

Oh, safe spaces. I'm jealous of you actually.

Oh, my God, are you worried about me?

Maybe more like mildly concerned, hm?

Hey, Danke, no guns for her, alright?

Affirmative. Let's save the family therapy for later.

Now, let's talk strategy.

I've deconstructed the bomb into two separate components,

the explosive and the remote detonator.

Bryce and his team will take the bomb

and covertly plant it under Times Square

as close to the Relic as possible.

Monkey and his team will plant the remote detonator above ground.

Monkey needs to be at least 50 feet near the bomb site

because the telecom satellite I'm hijacking

to send the arm code has no reception on the ground,

just like my cell phone on the A train.

Monkey, your detonator will light up green when it's in proper distance.

No green, no boom, copy?

[Monkey grunts]

[vines rustling]

[women screaming]

[♪ intense music playing]

[Monkey chattering]

[Bryce] [on radio] Oh, you think you've got it bad?

Mm, hard agree to disagree, bud.

Oh, this might take a while.

Pit crew, let's clear this shit

and get it up and move it in five, let's go!

[guns firing]

[wind whistling]

Yeah, we've got company.

[♪ ominous music playing]

[man screaming]

Monkey, watch out!

[gunshot]

-[Monkey] Huh? -[Dot gasps]

-[Monkey shrieking] -We've got to take cover!

[Double-Tap] [on radio] Well, well, well,

if it isn't the shitty gun guy

and his kindergarten sidekick trying to play hero.

[gasps] Double-Tap.

[Double-Tap] Well, you know,

all the big action stars have a pierced ear.

-[gunshot] -[Monkey grunts]

-[Double-Tap] Ha! [laughing] -[Monkey hooting]

[gunshot]

[Double-Tap] Uh, uh, uh.

I got 10 years' worth of ammo to use before the world ends,

and each bullet got your name on it, Monkey,

which, by the way, is a terrible name.

That would be like me calling myself person.

[Monkey grunts]

No, Monkey, no, we go together.

[Monkey disagreeing]

Fine. Then make him suffer.

[Monkey chattering]

Like fish in a barrel.

[guns firing]

Parlor tricks, huh? [chuckles]

Alright, a little back alley, but fine.

Let's find out who the real gun guy is.

[vines crackling]

Ugh. What's it at now?

40%, same as 30 seconds ago.

Okay, got it.

-What about now? -Iris, Iris, please.

[distant rumbling]

We've got a problem here.

[man screaming]

Ah, excuszi, no Uzi, you heard your dad.

-But I-- -Listen, when this screen goes green,

hit the button to send the arm code to the detonator, got it?

Uh-huh.

[gun firing]

Hey, look at me, look at me.

You can do this.

[gun firing]

Flower Child to Ghost Man. That train left the station yet?

Seconds away.

Pit crew, how we lookin'?

[gun firing]

-Done. -[both] Done.

[guns firing]

Ugh! God dammit.

Alright, let's go.

[train creaking]

-I thought you cleared everything. -I did.

I think it might be that...

Oh, shit, it's Amara.

-Shoot the coupler. -Here we go.

What are you doing? Shoot the goddamn coupler!

-[Gatling] It's gotta warm up. -Oh, for fuck's sake!

[gun firing]

Whew. What the hell was that?

Just the beginning. You can't stop what's coming.

Get the hell outta here, man. Don't be an idiot.

My name is Gatling, what'd you expect?

[Gatling shouting]

She's catching up! Can't this thing go any fast...

[rock shatters]

Hi, asshole.

-You're looking stupid. -No, this is your stop.

[Amara grunts]

Okay, ready?

Off the fire hydrant over the hotdog cart

between the rims of that Beemer.

-[gunshot] -[bullet ricocheting]

[Monkey moaning]

[Double-Tap] [on radio] Oh. [laughs]

Well, I believe points have been made.

I'll be honest, Monkey, I expected more,

but at least you get to die knowing the truth,

that Double-Tap was always the real gun guy

and you were always just some animal with a gun.

[Money whines, hoots]

[Monkey chattering]

[cawing]

So let's do this one last time.

[Monkey chattering]

[Double-Tap] Off the manhole cover.

[Monkey chattering]

Through the bike rack.

[caws]

And into your furry little head.

[bird cawing]

-[gun fires] -[bullet ricocheting]

Uh, wait, I'm sorry. [chuckles]

What?

You finally get a shot off and you shoot backwards?

What the... Oh.

[blood spurting]

[wings flapping]

[bird cawing]

[♪ energetic rock music playing]

71%, nice.

Yeah, that's great, but you really don't need

to announce every number.

[guns firing]

[♪ energetic rock music continues]

[plant shrieks]

[gun cocks]

[flesh squelching]

Fuck! -[Eunice] What the fuck?

Man, I sure hope my policy cover this.

-We have insurance? -72%.

Uh, Monkey, is that light green yet?

Monkey, is that light green yet?

Monkey.

Monkey. Monkey, what's going on?

-[Monkey grunting] -[Boone chuckles]

You're a long from the Fukuyama Mountains.

-[growls] -Oh, Dot?

Yeah. She's where she belongs, with her family.

-[Dot gasping] -[Monkey grunting]

[strikes thudding]

[Monkey whimpers]

[Boone] Oh, look at this.

The two who betrayed me now forced to kill each other.

I mean, that is a pay-per-view fight

for the end of days.

[Dot grunting]

[Monkey chattering]

Aw, Monkey.

I know you don't wanna hurt her, but she's gonna hurt you

and then I'm gonna hurt her.

Real bad.

-[whimpers] -[Dot grunts]

[Boone] Yeah, there you go.

That's the spirit.

[gun firing]

[guns firing]

Okay, how we lookin', kid?

88%. We need more time.

-No, no, no, no, no! -[Danke] Iris! No.

[gunshot]

[Eunice] No!

-[Iris/Eunice] Buddy! -Sorry I'm late.

They had two-for-ones at Margaritaville.

Iris! Iris?

[Iris] I'm here.

I'm okay. Buddy showed up.

Things are under control, and the hack is at 92%.

[train rattling]

Okay, good, good, I-I-I'm close too.

[Iris] Okay, great.

I'm not gonna lie, though, that sounded like

more than mildly concerned.

[Iris chuckles]

[♪ solemn music playing]

Oh, I should have taken you to Disney.

[Iris] What?

I should have stayed.

I should have taken you to Disney, you know?

Taught you how to, I don't know, drive a stick.

Intimidated your first boyfriend, you know?

[Iris] Bryce, I'm gay.

Well, I should have been there to tell you that that's fine

and that I love you all the same.

Then intimidated whoever the hell came to pick you up that night.

Look, the point is, I wasn't there to parent.

I wasn't there to be your dad...

and honest to God...

that's the biggest regret of my life.

[Iris] Well, then let's agree to both make it through this alive

so you don't fuck up our second chance.

Iris, listen, I--

[train screeching]

-[Amara grunting] -Oh, shit.

[train screeching]

God dammit, we're not close enough!

Maybe you're not such a coward after all.

That or you're just really fucking stupid.

Ah!

[Iris] Dad?

Nah-uh, I was just curious what you'd look like with half a face!

[rock shatters]

Oh, I can see your crack!

Ugh. Truly get fucked, Bryce.

[electricity crackling]

-[Dot grunting] -[Monkey hooting]

When I found you, you had nothing!

No purpose!

No family!

I gave that all to you, and you abandoned me at the very end?

I have the most powerful weapon in the world.

[grunts] Shit.

[Boone] You? You have a team of wannabes.

-No, no, no. -[vines creaking]

[♪ intense dramatic music playing]

[Iris groaning]

[Boone] Fighting an inescapable fate.

-[Bryce grunting] -[glass shatters]

[Boone] That's what hope does.

[clattering]

[Boone] It blinds you from the truth.

[Bryce grunting]

Humanity's time is up.

What are you doing?

[Boone] We're cursed, Monkey.

I know you think it's you, but it's us.

We are the cause of your suffering.

Our selfish, brutal impulses

are no longer individual deformities,

they're an evolutionary trait of our species.

[whimpers]

You wanted to get rid of senseless killing?

This is how.

Look around.

A restart that you could still lead.

The animals are safe.

Live the rest of your days in peace.

Lay the guardrails for what comes next.

Do better, Monkey.

Leave the earth in better shape.

Come on, what do you say?

[butterfly fluttering]

[groans]

[♪ intense dramatic music playing]

[growls]

[Monkey chattering]

Wow, okay, then tell the devil I'll see him soon.

[Dot grunting]

-What? -[Amara grunting]

Stone cold, am I right?

No! No. No.

Alright, here we go.

[Bryce grunting]

[Amara] No!

[Boone] No. No.

No, no, no, no.

[Iris grunting]

[beeping]

[train rattling]

[computer beeps]

-No! -[explosion booms]

[Monkey shrieking]

-[gasps] -[Monkey screeches]

-Monkey! -[Monkey screeching]

[rocks thudding]

♪♪

Holy shit, you guys okay?

Whoa, look at this guy.

Hey, crème Boon-ée, huh?

[Bryce chuckles]

Sorry, I think that was a trauma response.

[vines rustling]

Dad, Dad, Dad, come in, are you okay?

Iris! Yeah, no, we're fine. I--

[♪ haunting music playing]

[Boone growling]

[Boone laughing]

Actually, can I put you on hold for a sec?

[♪ "Disorder" by Ylang Ylang playing]

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

[woman singing in native language]