Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

That logo music just

gets you pumped, right?

I'm sorry, I'm just excited to be here.

It's been a while.

For a long time, I

wasn't sure I'd ever be back.

Disney bought Fox, there was a whole

boring rights issue,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But then, it turned out they wanted me,

the one guy who shouldn't

even have his own movie.

Much less a franchise.

You have all so stupid.

Look, we know the title of this thing, so

I know what you're wondering.

How are we going to do this without

dishonoring Logan's memory?

And I'll tell you how.

We're not.

Holy.

I'm going to let you

in on a little secret.

Wolverine is not dead.

Sure, it made for a perfect

ending to a very sad story,

but that's not how

regenerative healing factors work.

You think I want to be out here in

beautiful downtown North Dakota,

digging up the one and only Wolverine?

No, thank you.

But the fate of my

entire world is at stake.

He may not be living his best life, but

he sure as hell ain't dead.

Bingo.

Yahtzee.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Damn it!

Son of a bitch!

Fuck! Motherfucker!

My world is fucked!

That was weird.

I'm much calmer now.

Look, I'm not a man of science,

but you seem incredibly passed away.

But it's good to see ya.

I gotta be honest, I've always wanted to

ride with you, Logan.

You and me getting into a

Deadpool and a Wolverine.

Just fucking shit up.

Can you imagine the fun,

the chaos, the residuals?

Could I of mine?

It's nothing that'll bring me back to

life faster than a

big bag of matted cash.

Me too, Hugh.

No, no, no, no.

Ugh, he had to get all

noble and die for real.

God damn it!

I could really use your help right now.

Wait!

I'm warning you! I'm not alone!

Wade Winston Wilson!

You're under arrest by

the Time Variance Authority.

With too many crimes for this, come out!

Oh, you're the courtesy

death fighting you dame player.

Last chance!

Throw out your weapons

and come out peacefully!

I'm not gonna give you my weapons!

But I promise not to use them.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 if I'm watching Gossip Girl.

Here we go, maximum effort.

I'll give away every item.

There comes the

You know it's just a nightmare

I'm probably gonna start a fight now

Now this can't be right

Baby, come on

Nothing can be sweet

No time for a little bit of a crisis

Now it's time to leave

And make it alone

I know that I can't take no more

I ain't no man

I don't wanna see you

Back for me, bye bye bye

I'm gonna be a fool for you

But you're just another player

You came into it

You shouldn't be hating me

But it ain't no matter

You can bye bye bye

Bye bye

I don't really wanna make it tough

I just wanna take a nap

I'm myself crazy

But it ain't no lie

You can bye bye bye

You're gonna be thirsty

With the truth of the law

Girl, your mother will come

Better not ask from outside your box.

(yelling)

You're gonna be thirsty

Come on

I just know that I can't take no more

You ain't no man

I wanna see you

Back for me, bye bye bye

Bye bye

I'm gonna be a fool for you

But you're just another player

You came into it

You made me a fool

You made me a fool

Bye bye bye bye

I'm gonna make you tough

I just wanna take a nap

And I'm gonna be a fool

I'm myself crazy

But it ain't no lie

You're gonna be a fool for you

I don't wanna be your fool

In this game for two

So I need a man

Come on, let's make it better.

Back for me, I'm crazy

But it ain't no lie

You made me a fool

You made me a fool

I'm myself crazy

But you made me a fool

You made me a fool

You made me a fool

You made me a fool

You made me a fool

I'm gonna be a fool

I just wanna take a nap

I'm myself crazy

But it ain't no lie

But, but, but, but

(gunshot)

I am soaking wet right now.

(screaming) To be clear, I'm not

proud of any of this.

The wanton violence,

the whiff of necrophilia,

it isn't who I am, it

isn't who I wanna be.

Who I wanna be?

Well, to help you understand that,

I gotta take you back.

My little joy ride I

took through space and time,

to the day that changed everything.

(dramatic music)

(gunshots)

I can't believe I'm finally here.

I've waited for this moment for so long.

Thank you, sir, for seeing me.

I firmly believe that my

services could be of great use

to your organization.

Now, I know I was caught masturbating

in the lobby of Stark Tower.

Shmash the banner?

I'm sure you did that.

I'm sorry, what was that?

No, I'm sorry.

That's when you get

those toy hulk hands, right?

And then you just, you

look down and you just,

you brace yourself and

you ravage the midsection.

I get it, okay, thank you.

The picture's painted.

You get the gist.

What exactly brings you here today?

Well, okay, I care.

I know I'm turning

everything into a joke,

but I care and I want to use that feeling

for something important.

I don't want to matter.

And to show my girl that I matter.

And, you know, I feel like I'm wasting

the good stuff here.

Is the man not going to be joining us?

The man?

Yeah, I should say this if he's going to.

As far as you can tell

right now, I'm the man.

The man is me.

I am the man in this circumstance.

And he doesn't do this

kind of thing anymore.

Candidates?

Meetings.

Entry-level meetings.

Entry-level?

Aren't you the chauffeur?

I, maybe.

Common misconception,

I did begin my career

as Mr. Stark's driver.

I quickly pivoted to

the head of security.

The head of security?

The head of security, of

course, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And why I am vetting your resume.

You seem to have left out whether or not

you had any experience

as a member of a team.

Could you maybe add a

little bit of perspective?

Oh, yes, of course.

I was Special Forces, but I was mainly,

I was team leader,

founder, really, of X-Force.

Sadly, they all perished in action.

How exactly did that happen?

Well, the police say

gravity, but just between us,

they didn't test well in the focus group.

They were to go to the cable.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I

can see this isn't going on.

Please stop writing.

I'm just, I want to be an Avenger.

I want to be an Avenger.

Why do you want to be an Avenger?

To look around you, I mean,

they're the best of the best.

And what they do matters.

I need to be an Avenger.

Sir, that girl is kind

of had a bit of a shtick,

and if I don't, you

know, turn things around

and do something with my gifts,

I don't think it's going

to really work out for me,

and I wouldn't blame her.

Avengers are a very

unique group of superheroes

that stand for something

more than just fighting

and wearing costumes.

I mean, people look up

to us. Kids look up to us.

I'm sorry, us?

I wasn't aware that you were an Avenger.

Avengers adjacent, technically.

Oh, what's your

superpower? Is it parallel parking?

I am so sorry. That was cruel.

I lash out when I'm

nervous. It won't happen again.

Let's cut to the chase. Please.

You just said moments ago

that you wanted to be an Avenger

because you need it.

Yes, sir, I do.

But the Avengers don't do

the job because they need it.

They do the job because people need them.

Do you see the distinction?

Yes, sir.

Please, Mr. Hogan, I don't

want to spend the rest of my life

like an annoying one-trick pony.

All right.

Oh, my God. You're standing.

Yeah, now's the time that we stand.

Damn it.

The problem might be that

you're reaching a little too high.

Aim for the middle and you'll never miss.

Right? I think you got a good heart. I

believe what you're saying.

But not everybody's a world-saving type.

I'm not. I'm happy. Right?

I found my place.

Find your place.

All right. Get back out there.

We'll keep an eye. Good luck.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Catch the car. I want to hit Shake Shack.

Rejection makes me hungry.

No, no, no. Please.

No, no, no. Okay.

You know what they say?

When one door closes,

your locker at work opens.

Let's go sell some certified

pre-owned vehicles, motherf--

Technically, the

carnival's not a minivan.

It's an MPV.

So how does the Kia

compare to the Honda Odyssey?

The Odyssey? That's a great question.

It doesn't fucking suck.

You know, you can't answer

the question without swearing.

I'm sorry. Tell me I don't have kids.

Not that I haven't dreamt of that.

You don't have a lot of natural sex.

You'll get them next time, pal. Yeah.

And look, you can always

go back to super-heroing.

I mean, I know I'd like to

see you back in the suit.

I don't keep it in my

locker so that I can wear it.

I keep it in my locker in

case we need to settle up again.

Hey, hey, hey. What

is that doing in there?

I'm done.

I'm done.

Man, I'm fine with being done.

Look, is sales the best match?

Probably none.

Is this the life that I

always imagined for myself?

Fuck no!

This is the right fit for me.

Sugar Bear, it is. Okay, Mr. Wilson.

I'm just saying, once a month, we could

go on a little mission.

We're human beings. We crave purpose.

After all, we're Deadpool.

Please stop saying

that. We're not Deadpool.

I'm not even Deadpool anymore.

Well, if we're gonna have

a midlife crisis, go big.

A few years ago, a friend of

mine got his nipples pierced

with a titanium chain that goes down and

attaches to his Van Johnson.

Are you feeling Grumple

stiltskin because it's your birthday?

What?

No.

No.

Surprise!

All right, you guys

are lucky I'm not armed.

Get in here.

This was six years

ago. You'd all be dead.

So then, he gets out of the cab, and you

would not believe it.

I turn around, and what do I find?

Airpods. Airpods!

Crazy stories. Every time.

Come on. Fingle time.

Make any sales today?

You know I didn't.

Did you sell any

dreamcatchers on Etsy or whatever it is?

I went to do it three days away, and I

can't keep carrying it. Relax.

I have the money. I sold some old blood

pressure medication I found lying around.

You're trying to kill me, motherfucker.

I'm not the one dousing

everything in salt, motherfucker.

I pray every day that fire finds your

body and finishes the job

God didn't have the nuts to do.

That's hurtful. If you could hear the

look on my face,

you'd smell how sad I am.

You watching me good?

Great British break-off.

Oh, God damn.

This shit stood between me

and suicide for ten years.

Those are my feelings.

Abortion, religious freedom, animal

rights, privacy rights, vaccines, free

market capitalism, global climate change.

No, no, no, no, sweet from let's fuck.

Hi, you, Kyo. Hi, Wade.

Nice, fake o'clock shadow.

It's a summer balayage from the French.

It's meant to mimic the natural

highlights of the sun.

It's a toupee. It's a hair system.

I love your hair system, Wade.

Thank you.

Want to do some cocaine? Hey, cocaine is

the one thing that

Faggy said is off-limits.

What about Bolivian watching? They know

all the slang terms. They have a list.

Even snowboarding? Even disco dust.

White girl interrupted? Even force bump.

Focus shift. I wouldn't

even try powdered gonuts.

Do you want to build a

snowman? Yes, but I can't.

Hold here. Here?

What happened? That's the buzz part.

Thanks for coming. Yeah.

How's work? Oh, I got a promotion.

No way. Yeah.

It's mind-numbing middle

management, but I'm happy.

That's great.

You want to see him? How are you?

Um, yeah. Guy from work.

Derman. Derman?

He's kind. Good.

Likes to go hiking.

Hasn't gotten me shot yet.

Wow. It's the early days.

How about you? You seeing anyone?

No, no, I live in a one-bedroom

apartment. Share bed with blind Al.

All right. All right.

Happy birthday to you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Birthdays.

Every spin around the moon

is a new adventure indeed.

Sundomous. Okay, round-earther.

Where was I? The Adventure of Life.

Right. It's been a challenging few years.

I haven't seen you guys in a while. And

through a lot. Change of life.

Nail-a-paw? Bitch, are you improv-ing?

I'm sorry that you had

to see that, Yuki-oh.

But I'm happy.

You know, that's because of

each and every one of you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how

proud I am, how grateful I am,

to be standing in a room with every

single person I love.

I'm the luckiest man alive.

Make a wish, buddy. 10-4, good buddy.

Going down.

Lee Wilson? Oh, yeah. Dancers.

The painter must have ordered you. Are

those supposed to be cop costumes?

Never mind. Take your

clothes off, but leave the helmets.

And this isn't Pretty

Woman. We're kissing, all right?

What song do you guys normally dance to?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that supposed to be scary?

Hagging isn't new for me,

friendo, but it is for Disney.

Look, I've never been a natural bottom.

So we're going to take things real slow,

and I want some crazy eye contact.

Not you, you.

I can't see your eyes through

the mask, but I can feel it.

We're going to move on down the hallway

so we can spare a cleanup on Isle Hassel.

How does everyone feel about this planet?

I don't like you. Yes.

Let's hold on to that attitude,

and we're going to do it angry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mr. Wilson.

You appear to have soiled

yourself while unconscious.

I was unconscious. Who are you?

I go by the name of Paradox, Mr. Paradox,

and you're sitting here at the TVA, the

Time Variance Authority.

We're really a watchdog organization.

Except we're more

lighthearted than that sounds,

with sort of throwback ironic twist.

And we're in charge of defending what's

known as the sacred timeline.

Holy fuck, that is a shit ton of

exposition for a three-quel.

Is this because I used Cable's Time

Machine, brought a

couple of people back to life,

then I destroyed it.

That was a long time ago.

Yes, we're aware of your

abuse of your timeline.

You were so abusive of it.

No, it has nothing to do

with that. Walk with me.

I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell

you that you're special.

In fact, you've been

chosen for a higher purpose,

a purpose unclear even to me,

but one that could save

the entire sacred timeline

from a possibly grisly

fate sometime in the future,

which may very well need to be avenged.

This sacred timeline, I assume I'm going

to marvel at how cinematic it feels,

gratuitous cameons, indiscriminate use of

variance, the whole package.

No, you tell me.

Gav.

You are no longer lost.

Wait.

You can be a hero among the heroes.

We've been surveilling

you for quite a while.

It's a boy station.

The TVA outpost, yes.

And what is that?

Is that me? Is that Thor?

Is he crying?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

That happens in the distant future.

Why is Thor crying?

Do not speak to her. Stop that.

I brought you here to

offer you an opportunity,

the opportunity you sought years ago but

for which you were not ready.

We believe you're ready now,

ready for a chance to leave your timeline

and join the greatest universe of all.

I am about to give you the

thing you've always wanted.

I smell what you're stepping in.

The power of the Marvel

universe is about to change forever.

I am an aside.

I am...

Marvel Jesus.

Excuse me.

She's getting over here.

Suck it, Fox.

I'm on Disneyland.

Get fucked!

Where do I sign?

Oh, it's an ending for paper work.

Good. Not to brag, but I do not read.

There is one thing I will need, though.

Oh, fuck off.

Adorn me, Beardo.

Fuck it!

It's perfect.

FYI, your tailor is a

predator, but I love it.

Snug, no camel toe, new

car smell, and adamantium.

Katomas, you shouldn't have.

Go ahead. Take it in.

And yes, your

underwear is getting tighter.

That guy knows what I'm talking about.

His clothes say middle management, but

his eyes say fucky fucky.

Yes, you look very nice.

Nice? Your buddy here is ready to throw

it all away from me.

You calling your wife?

HR.

Is your wife working HR?

I'm really glad

you're taking this so well.

Oh, I'm taking it well.

I have never had a

problem traveling for work.

That said, we should talk vacation dance.

I'm more of a one-week-on,

one-week-off kind of guy.

I think it's what they do in Denmark.

You'll never see a Danish

flag in the moon, but...

God damn it, they're happy.

Now, let's power up your

little Amazon Fire Phone there

and sit me back home so

I can let my friends know

that they've been upgraded to Disciples.

Yep. I hear that you quite understand.

You will not be returning to your home

because there will be

no home to return to.

Come again, this time in my ears?

This is your universe, Mr. Wilson.

That is what happens when a universe

loses their anchor being.

See how it decays from the inside?

This is how a reality dies.

What's an anchor being?

An anchor being is an

entity of such vital importance

that when they die, their whole world

slowly withers out of existence.

You've just won the

lottery because I didn't die.

It's just a little

midlife crisis, I'm better now.

Oh, my God!

Oh, not to laugh.

Can you imagine if you

were the anchor being?

Yeah.

No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.

Your anchor being died in

an act of self-sacrifice

so epic that it sent

shivers down the timeline.

I am referring, of

course, to Logan, the Wolverine.

Don't be on that page.

(Music)

Oh, this is what it feels like.

Logan.

Of course.

Logan.

Logan!

The guy forks for hands!

That Wolverine!

Yeah, I got it.

You can turn your retro

graphics of death off now.

Make it stop.

We're not doing it, Mr. Wilson. We

certainly can't stop it.

How long have we got?

In most cases, a couple thousand years.

Well, sweet.

Most cases aren't

fast enough, not for me.

What does that mean?

It means that I have been tasked with

overseeing the end of your universe

and regardless of what the pencil pushers

upstairs would prefer,

I will not waste my life watching it die

slowly of natural causes.

We used to just prune these things,

simple, elegant, efficient,

but I'm told the TVA

doesn't like to do that anymore.

Well, I do.

And no matter what my

so-called superiors say,

the multiverse does

not need a babysitter.

We need a mercy killer.

And in this instance,

I am the mercy killer.

What in the macguffin is that?

That's a time-reper for Mr. Wilson.

An accelerant.

Once completed, it will allow me to

destroy the space-time

matrix of your universe.

You see, I don't want

to work for the TVA.

I want to be the TVA.

And the first step involves showing this

organization how much more

efficient it can become to it.

I will be giving your universe a swift

and compassionate end.

And don't worry, your

friends won't feel a thing.

It'll be over just like this.

Oh, what's that?

Trust me.

You're gonna all be

other in my fucking universe.

In your parlance, yes.

Two in the heart, one in the head.

Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices.

You can either rejoin your loved ones and

collectively cease to

exist in, let's say, 72 hours,

or you join the sacred timeline.

And you end your days of

insignificance and mediocrity.

Wade.

Wade, you can finally, finally matter.

That's all I've ever really wanted.

I know.

I know.

And you know, I'm nothing

if not morally flexible.

Hmm?

Yep, yep.

I'll do it.

Wade's choice.

Sacred timeline's happy to have you.

I was talking about finding the wolverine

and breaking your fucking nose.

Look at that.

Find him.

Find him!

And boy, did he ever turn.

Which brings us back to this.

The desecration of the sacred corpse.

Ow, my own fucking arm.

[screaming]

Now we're talking to my kids.

[screaming]

I'm sorry, wolverine is hard.

I can't stop.

Mangle tried.

[screaming]

You sick fuck.

Wolverine was a hero and the only thing

on earth is shit to

ever come out of Canada.

[screaming]

Get my country's name

out of your fucking mouth.

And my sword.

Look at that.

Oh, I gotta find me another Logan.

An alive one.

Don't get up, guys. I'll see myself back.

Logan!

I'm gonna need you to come with me.

Who's asking?

Well, look at this

little hairy Lou Retton.

Did you stick the landing hook, I?

Yes, you did, comic-accurate short king.

Such a cute widow, wovee.

Cue the fucking montage, baby.

All right, everything

seems to be on fire.

You have a dragon?

Ooh, you have anchor

being written all over.

Patch.

Now we're talking.

Ooh, yeah.

That's the whole

goddamn package right there.

I'm auditioning anchor beams.

Oh, that's gonna need some coconut oil.

Fuck, dude, the fuck.

Are you okay?

Oh, yes, yes.

Classic John Byrne round of ten now.

You found the Hulk in

this outfit, you know?

I marveled Jesus, you dull

creature, and I want to--

Not you. We're just going

in a different direction.

You know, from behind, you

look a little bit like Henry--

Oh, my fuck.

The cavalry. The legends are true.

And may I say, sir, on

behalf of all humanity,

this just feels right.

We will treat you so much better than

those shit-fucks down the street

you were just leaving.

No, sir, not while the

fate of my universe has had--

This one looks promising.

Down you go.

Again.

I told you, you're not welcome here.

You're not welcome anywhere.

Now get the fuck out of my bar.

Just give me one more

drink and then I'll leave.

That's not how it works.

It does now. Leave the bottle.

I know you, bub.

Nope. But I know you.

Everybody knows me.

I'm the Wolverine.

Yes, you are, and I'm gonna need you to

come with me right now.

Look, lady, I'm not interested.

Really getting into your cuffs--

Why would I go with you?

Because, unfortunately, I need you.

And even more

unfortunately, my entire world needs you.

You two gonna fuck or fight?

You gonna take that from him?

You.

I can tell you that sort

of don't get too close,

I'll only break your heart by going here.

But every other Wolverine would have

really hurt me by now.

And I'm sort of on the tic-tac, so,

upsy-dacy, here we go.

There you go, guys.

Oh.

Whiskey dick with the claws.

It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.

You don't want this.

You're right. I doubt it.

And you don't want this.

Unless you want to take a deep breath

through your fucking forehead,

I suggest you reconsider.

Let's go, Peanut.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Watch this.

All right.

That's a little... easy.

Good God.

Thirsty little honey badger, aren't you?

It's okay. Keep going.

Audiences are

accustomed to long run times.

I guess you'll have to do...

Okay.

Ooh.

Look at those jammies.

That only took 20 fucking years.

One anchobain coming right up.

On your luck, baby girl.

This Logan has the same... he can do

anything even musicals.

But, notice, he's

actually wearing a costume

like he's not embarrassed to be on a

superhero movie for once.

I don't understand.

You said my universe is dying,

because this sack of

nuts got himself killed.

Well, problem solved.

My God.

You actually think you can replace an

anchobain with this?

I wouldn't have accepted any other

Wolverine beat-y-dubs,

but you have outdone yourself and brought

me the worst Wolverine.

What do you mean the worst one?

Mr. Huston, this Wolverine

let down his entire world.

He's the stuff of

legend, but not in a good way.

And what he did... well, some things are

just beyond forgiveness.

Okay. How do I make this

right? I can be all do anything.

I gave you a chance at greatness,

because my superior

has deemed you special.

Clearly not special in a good way,

but apparently you have some important

future purpose to serve.

With Thor, he holds me.

But I did my duty.

I gave you the

opportunity to be somebody,

and instead of accepting my offering with

humanity and gratitude,

you broke my nose.

It looks great.

I decimated dozens of my men with the

assumed corpse of a hero,

with sovereign not only

his remains, but his memory.

What do you think, Internet?

Your world is dying!

Thank you very much.

And there's no stopping it.

The humanity of you is to make it quick.

Is the thought of vaporizing

my universe making you peckish?

I'm eating my feelings.

I'm about to lose everything

that I've ever cared about,

because that hairy thunder cunt from down

under cunt finally dies,

and he's standing

right behind me, isn't he?

Welcome to the MCU, by the way.

You're joining at a bit of a low point.

As for you, I want to talk to your boss.

I want you to get him on the phone,

and you tell him, her, or them that

Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.

Holy shit.

I just heard a symphony of buttholes

clenching all at once.

You're off-grid.

Your bosses don't know what you sick

fucks are doing down here.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I have a black belt in Karen, and I'm

going to go upstairs,

and I'm going to tell

them all about you and--

Oh, silence is nice.

What the fuck did he kill?

To the trash heap.

You'll fit right in.

That was close.

That was close. Don't just stand there, you ape.

Give me a hand of her.

No, emergency okay. Thank you.

Where the hell are we?

I don't know.

It looks kind of Mad Maxie.

But that would be IP infringement, right?

Fucking jokes.

Are you even listening back there?

We don't make it back to

that Mr. Paradox asshole.

Everyone I know is going to die.

No, my fucking problem.

Well, is that all you got?

Is that what you said

when your world went to shit?

Come again?

Yeah, I heard all about you.

I screwed up everything,

and you should be thanking me for pulling

you out of that bed you shit in.

Are you backstabbing son of a bitch?

Are you ready to be calm now?

Rest in peace, this fox.

I don't want to fight you, peanut.

Doesn't matter what you did.

I just need your help.

I don't fucking care.

This is gonna hurt.

Alright!

Fuck it!

Let's give the people what they came for.

Let's fucking go.

Get your special sock out, nerds.

This gonna get good.

[Music]

Let's see you grow

your fucking head back!

I can fix it! I can fix it!

It's what? Whatever it is that you did.

Whatever made you so bad.

Those... those...

Freaks! In the TPA you heard them.

They have the power to end my universe.

But they also have the

power to change yours.

We get back there.

And we can fix your world.

Together.

I promise.

They can fix it.

Hey!

Hey! We fight each other, we lose.

Dear God, it's him.

Who? The one.

The superhero equivalent

to comfort food for Molly.

White guy's answer to all the

disappointments and another A-lister.

Fair warning, gorgeous.

You're going to

encounter some angelic language.

A smidge of ass play, but we've been

prohibited from using cocaine on camera.

They're coming.

Who's they?

[engine revving]

Oh, they're driving angry.

Now that's a superhero lid!

I got this.

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

Stay close.

I got a camera.

You got this.

Cassandra is going to be kitty when she

sees what we caught.

You can't run. Everybody knows that.

You see anyone running, Dick Fabrains?

You're not going to

love what happens next.

Oh, oh my God.

Oink! Oh my God, he's going to save us.

Ha! Oh my God, he's going to save us!

Hey, what?

Avengers, available!

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[screaming]

Oh!

[screaming]

[crash]

We don't know that guy.

We thought we did.

I know you.

Holy sh--

[engine revving]

Sabretooth, your brother, ready to die!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time!

You look ridiculous.

People have waited

decades for this fight.

It's not going to be easy.

Maybe not.

Shoot the devil, take him down.

Side control, then bowl him out,

and be a ground and pound until he makes

no sound because he's dead.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh my God.

Okay, good luck. I'm a huge fan.

[engine revving]

[laughing]

[growling]

What is it, girl?

Is there trouble at the well?

[crash]

[laughing]

Big trouble.

Behold!

The head of your precious queen, Furiosa!

I have the Wolverine.

I alone control her.

You come for me!

You come for her.

So sorry. I know it's pronounced him.

I'm genderblind. It's my cross to bear.

Who's next?

Tog!

You're up.

[crash]

[grunting]

Uh-oh.

Tog beep.

[crash]

Uh.

I should've...

I'm God of Thunder.

(grunting)

When was I asleep?

Not all of you was asleep.

Don't bother.

We're very thorough.

You know where we are, start talking.

You're in the void.

Think of it as purgatory.

Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard

where anything useless goes

before it gets annihilated

forever and where the TVA sends people

that don't play nice

with the rest of the multiverse.

Like you?

And you.

What does the annihilating?

A liet.

A liet is in this thing?

From Loki season one episode five?

Everyone here is on the run from a liet.

Oh, don't make it.

There's a resistance though.

Other people like us

that manage to survive,

they're hiding out in the border lanes

trying to find a way to fuck outta here.

Then that's where we go.

Reed?

Us?

A teen?

The answer is yes.

Shake off.

Fuck!

You nipped it.

Just got the tip with

your little steak knife.

These others can help

us get back to the TVA.

They can fix things.

(laughing)

Something funny, Bob?

She might have

something to say about that.

Who's she?

In the void.

You're either food for a

liet or you work for her.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

Oh, all right, finely-aged.

Oh, you must finish your jug or not.

Thank you.

I give your voices down.

She don't like the chatter.

She's gonna love you.

(dramatic music)

Is it the child?

Hey, hey, Jack, it's us!

That's not the child.

Ah, shit.

Oh, Abel is some great.

That's not gonna go over

well with the wolf mob.

A wolverine.

I wondered when I'd get one of you.

You're one of Xavier's.

You know him, you know Chuck?

Oh, I knew him.

We shared a wound.

Tried to strangle the sly little fellow

with my umbilical cord.

Amen.

I've never loved roommates.

Mine's blind, except she could see

cocaine for some reason.

You wanna chime in, Your Majesty?

I'm dying here.

Who are you?

Charles Xavier's twin, Cassandra Nova.

Oh, shit. How did it anal birth?

You two are cute.

I have a good feeling about this.

(thunder rumbling)

And I've been trying to

catch this little firefly

for years, haven't I, Johnny?

You picked the wrong

time to make new friends.

Oh, Johnny told us all about you.

Maybe shut up now.

Yeah, maybe don't-- We

were just talking here.

Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic,

megalomaniacal asshole.

His word's not mine.

Hell bent, a domination in pain.

You said all that about me.

No, no!

How do you, I just say anything!

Pick some stones, Johnny!

I'll let her intimidate you.

Like you said in the convoy.

This finger-licking, dead inside,

pixie slab of

third-rate dime store nut milk

can eat your delicious cinnamon ring

and kick rocks all the way to bald-end.

I have never said any of those words

in my entire life! I'm right!

It's a modesty!

People think I'm a shit-topper,

but this guy, next level.

What?

This, I, wait, I don't even know what

happened to that meat!

My hat's off to you, sir, truly.

I didn't, Keith, that's, I, I, I don't--

(crashing)

Not my favorite, Chris.

You stupid piece of shit, you

just got him fucking killed!

Hey, we're all grieving!

PS, do you know what I'm

gonna do to the budget?

(sniffling)

A lie at this hungry.

There's been some kind of mistake.

Big Yellow is a backup anchor being,

and I'm Marvel Jesus, MJ and Turnasty.

This may be hard to hear,

but there's another British villain.

He's gonna destroy my

universe, and I'm gonna stop him.

Oh, honey, you don't really strike me

as a world-saving type.

Did I hit him off?

I didn't want it to come to this.

Either you help us, or my friend here

is gonna sink the entire

second act of music, man,

with zero warmup.

Where'd you get the chair?

Once in a while, I did

get a trowel through here.

Nevermind, though, no.

He didn't care to find me.

Ah, jizzee, they're trauma-bragging!

Can't you just stuff it

down, turn it into accomplishment

or cancer like the rest of us?

But I'm not like the rest of you.

Except maybe the Wolverine.

Now we could be truly

terrifying together.

You know, that's scary, huh?

The TVA certainly thought so.

They sent me here before I could walk.

And you know, it's the best thing that

ever happened to me.

I love it here.

You live in a garbage dump.

I think we both know who

lives in the garbage dump.

The void is a paradise.

I can wield my power here without shame.

Unfortunately, I had no child's Xavier

to teach me temperance.

What about your child?

Did he protect you?

Did he make you feel safe?

We're immune, so we're never safe.

(screaming)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

I don't want the smoke.

I don't have any beef with you.

I just want to save my friends.

I just, I want to go home.

Well, the thing is, I could get you home.

Good.

But I don't want to.

Not good.

(grunting)

What do you want, Wade Wilson?

Uh, your fingers are inside

me, but not in a good way.

My brother could enter

one's mind with a fork.

I have to get my hands dirty.

Oh, gosh.

I've got you.

I've got you.

(dramatic music)

I can't, I can't, you're not here.

I'm right here.

No, you're not, I can't.

I'm right here.

Then show me you gotta do something.

Show you what?

Show me you care about

something bigger than you.

Ever since they turned

you down, you took a knee.

Baby, you never got back up.

I know you're going through something.

Let me go through it with you.

You're crazy, Max, you're not crazy.

Where'd you go?

Oh my God.

You just say it, okay?

Say, "I don't want you, I

don't want to be with you."

Go ahead, say it, say it, say it, say it.

You don't want to be with me.

Tell me that and I'll walk away.

Say, "I don't want you."

(somber music)

You'll never fucking matter.

What?

You'll never fucking matter.

You'll never fucking matter.

What?

She never said that.

No, but I bet she thought it.

I wanna look.

You are so mean.

My brain could taste your fingers

and they tasted like hate.

And we're in God's name as

the intimacy coordinator.

You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.

How long before you came here?

Mrs. Baby Knife, she's

gonna fuck you in the face now.

If you want to kill me,

it's going to take

more than a little bit.

How about sex?

(gun fires)

(man laughs)

Ah, my boy, quick and strong.

That's my big boy, yet you are.

(laughs)

(gun fires)

Well, this has been fun,

but the big guy needs to

eat and the rent is due.

(engine revs)

By the way, you're the rent.

(engine revs)

(engine revs) (gun fires)

(engine revs)

(engine revs) (tires screech)

(gun fires)

Coming or what?

Coming!

(engine revs)

(engine revs)

(man grunts)

What you thinking, Val?

Get the fuck off of me.

Shh, shh.

I was done.

Who was done what?

Getting my knife out of your buttocks.

Ah, fuck!

Go, get your mind out of my pants.

I'm telling Blake.

New rules.

I talk now.

That's gonna be very

hard on the audience.

Shut the fuck up!

Let me fucking think.

We gotta get back to paradox, right?

Right?

It's an excuse.

Am I allowed to speak now or--

Just nod, asshole.

Right.

Then we find the others.

That poor kid Johnny was talking about

before you got him killed.

Oh, our kid, he's like 50.

If there's a chance they

know how to get out of here,

we find him and make those TVA fuckers

fix my shit like you fucking promised.

I smell Quest.

I smell food.

So what made you finally

wear an Anastagat costume?

Find bread so they can't see any bleed.

But I can see how

yellow would be useful too.

Have you been checked for ADHD?

Mm-mm.

But I've had several STDs,

which were probably caused by ADHD.

What are you looking for?

Oh, fuck. Fuck.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's probably alcohol.

You don't wanna drink up?

Yeah, there you go.

Fuck that liver.

Okay.

What the fuck are those?

Oh.

Back in civilian life, I wear a toupee,

but nobody knows.

(laughs) Everybody knows.

Wanna talk about what's haunting you

or should we wait for

a third act flashback?

Go fuck yourself.

You know,

my world, you're well regarded.

Yeah, well, not in mine.

They don't like me much in mine either.

You don't say.

I want it to be something.

You know, I've, shit, I

want it to be an Avenger.

Fuck the Avengers.

You know, I didn't make the cut though.

Same with the X-Men.

My girlfriend left me like this.

Did you let a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Vanessa, when we met, she was a dancer.

I mean, her whole life was good.

But oh boy, I just,

fuck that right up.

But you, you were an X-Men.

Fuck that, you were the X-Men.

The Wolverine.

The Wolverine?

He's a hero in that world.

Yeah, well, he had shit in mind.

You said Logan was a hero, what happened?

He died.

Oh.

Well, technically you

were chest fucked by a tree,

but really he just ran out of batteries

trying to save someone.

Who?

The shit heels that grew

in a lab called her X-23.

But she was just a kid.

A younger, daintier,

somehow meaner version of you.

He died trying to save her.

It was beautiful.

Look, Miho, I know you're hurt.

My blind, elderly

African-American roommate,

Blind Al, always says that

pain teaches us who we are.

Sometimes we need to listen to that pain

instead of running from it.

Holy shit.

Yeah, she's wise.

No, no, that's her

name, you call her Blind Al.

Well, she's blind.

(upbeat music)

I've never seen you look

as lovely as you did tonight

I've never seen you shine so bright

Lady of red

Just dancing with me

She did you

There's nobody here

Look at you.

She's coming with us.

No, she's not.

Oh, yes, she is.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Sorry.

Sorry about that.

Come here, girl.

Who are you?

I'm Deadpool.

And I guess you're Deadpool too.

But in here, everybody calls me Vicepool.

Oh my goodness, where

do you see Ladypool?

She is gorgeous.

She just had a baby

too, and I can't even tell.

I don't think you're

supposed to say that.

That's okay.

I identify as a feminist, right?

Are those gold-plated, 50 caliber

desert eagle pistoleros?

Of course.

To match my ear huggy.

Can I have her?

(laughs) Over my dead body.

You're fun.

And I guess you've

already met Mary Puffin.

It's AKA Dogpool.

Therefore, you put your

hand, she's 90% G-Spy,

and she'll let you know it.

You let this little flirt out of your

sight for one second

and she starts shopping for a new papa.

If you can't be a responsible pedo,

then maybe you don't

deserve this little unicorn.

Guilty on all charges, your honor.

She can't happen again.

Why are you so nice?

It costs nothing to be kind.

Shutting the fuck up is also free.

Got it, isn't it?

This is Logan.

He's usually shirtless,

but he's let himself go

since the divorce.

Where's her mask?

Come on, guys.

Oh, this guy.

We're looking for a group of survivors.

Oh, they're out there.

Yeah.

But Merk to Merk, you better hope

that you don't run

into the Deadpool core.

Yeah, they're crazy.

They will chop you up

into a thousand pieces

and hide you all over the void.

If they could only

process their childhood trauma,

they'd go on one heck

of a healing journey.

Look, we're headed for the Borderlands.

You know where it is?

Borderlands, yeah, that's 12 clicks.

Do West, I can lend you

my ride if you like it.

It would be my honor.

(car engine revving)

Oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, absolutely not.

Uh-uh, what the?

No, no.

Jettish get in the car.

This isn't a car.

This is a Honda fucking Odyssey.

Throttle response sucks a cock.

Dated infotainment system.

When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia

was making a comeback, they

invented the Honda Odyssey

to compete.

Get in the fucking car.

He'll get you there safe and sound.

Oh, Betsy always does.

You're gonna have to

give him a dog back though.

I know, listen.

Yeah, it's child.

If you ever wanna give her up,

or if she needs a new home,

or if something should happen to you,

I'd love to be her papa.

Oh, whatever happened to me.

Lots of stuff.

No, we're running away.

Don't, the corn was too dense, girl.

Fuckers, no.

(car door slams)

(car door slams)

Don't take me home

It's the damn common ice

It's right for your love

This life

I want to take me by hand

Take me somewhere new

I don't know who you are

But I

I'm with you

Okay, I'm just gonna ask it.

What's with the suit?

First thing I did when I flamed out,

I took my knife.

Drop it.

It's not that ugly.

Stop talking about myself.

Did you make it yourself?

Been there.

Quit now.

The X-Men make you wear it?

Those sons of fucking bitches.

They are not your

friends, I'll tell you that.

Friends don't let friends leave the house

looking like they fight

crime for the Los Angeles Rams.

Shut the fuck up about this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Watch your frown lines, angel baby.

I'm just trying to bond a little bit.

Yeah, well then talk

about something else.

Fine.

(birds chirping)

Stop.

They can fix your world.

What's the first thing you're gonna do

when you get out of here?

Some rubbing alcohol shots?

Maybe a wiper fluid chaser?

What did you say?

So when you get back,

what's the first thing you're gonna do?

No, no, no, before that.

Yep, they can fix your world?

(door slams)

(crowd roars)

What do you mean if I mean--

You lied to me.

I have a fucking clue if

they can help me fix things,

do you?

No, I mean--

No, fuck!

Fuck!

I didn't lie.

You lied.

No, I made an educated wish.

Because I need you.

This, this is why.

Right here.

Because if we don't

do something, they die.

I don't know anything

about saving worlds.

Why would I even care?

Because my entire world is

right here in this picture.

It's only nine people,

and I have no idea how to save it alone.

I know how to fuck people up for money,

but you, you, know how to save them.

What's the other Wolverine did?

(door slams) Oh, fuck!

I guess I'm stuck with the worst one.

Did you say you made an

educated fucking wish?

They call me the Merc with the Mouth.

They don't call me Truthful Timmy,

the blowjob queen of Saskatoon.

(door slams)

(grunts)

One more.

Please give me one.

Goober tutorial.

(screams)

You know what, you're a fucking joke.

No wonder the Avengers didn't take you.

Or the X-Men, they'll

say fuck them anyone.

I mean, you are a

ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron.

I have never met a

sadder, more attention-starved,

jabbering little prick in my entire life.

And that says a lot,

because I've been alive

for more than 200 fucking years.

I'll tell ya, that ball

chick was right about one thing.

You will never save the world.

You couldn't even save a relationship

with a goddamn stripper.

Motherfucker, I wish I

could say you'd die alone,

but it's one of God's best

jokes that you can't die,

except that's on all of us.

(panting)

You got nothing to say, mouth?

I'm gonna fight you now.

Oh, boy.

(grunts)

(screams)

How are you?

Back off, now, hurry.

(grunts)

I'm dirty, bitch!

(grunts)

(screams)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(screams)

No, no, no.

(screams)

(grunts)

Nice.

I take it all back, the

Honda Odyssey fucks hard.

Too bad you don't needle dick.

Oh, we're just getting started, bubba.

(screams)

(dramatic music)

(engine revs)

(engine revs)

Thor!

Where are we?

No clue, but I like it here.

(screams)

(screams)

(dramatic music)

(engine revs)

(dramatic music)

(screams) (dramatic music)

Okay, look at you all.

You must be the others.

Terrific.

So just to refresh, you are one--

Elector. Elector, yes.

Who could forget?

And you, I was not

expecting to see you here,

but you were, you know, retired.

Retired.

Retired.

I'm already in the void.

I'm not trying to get canceled again.

I don't like you.

You never did.

And who's this succulent

reminder of my own inadequacies?

Look at you.

You look like the

superhero version of Hawkeye.

The name's Remy Labo.

You dare have let me know,

but you can call me the gamut.

It's been a while

since I've seen Sling Blade

hit me again.

They call me the gamut.

Do they?

Are you sure you didn't just really,

really want them to,

but it never quite worked out?

So would they.

You know, we never had

a Wolverine up in here.

But I can tell you now, it's just a

common courtesy to ask

before you drink up all of my liquor.

That's a good thing I don't give a fuck.

(chuckles)

(speaking in foreign language)

(glass shattering)

So embarrassing.

Well, now that that's settled,

look, we came a long

way to find you three.

There's four of us.

There's four?

Wait, is it Magneto?

Dear sweet God in

heaven, let it be Magneto,

because with him, fuck!

He's dead.

Now Disney gets cheap?

It's like Pinocchio

jammed his face in my ass

and started lying like crazy.

(speaking in foreign language)

Not a single word,

what do you do exactly?

Charge the playing cards.

Make them go boom.

Your powers close

that magic, that's good.

We're not totally fucked at all.

So who brought us here?

That would be me.

(somber music)

Don't make me regret it.

Holy shit, Logan,

that's her, that's ex-23.

She's the one they told you about.

How did you all get stuck in the void?

There was a knock at the door,

TVA sent me here.

Me too.

Maybe I was born here, so

it's hard to know for sure.

TVA decided our universe was dying,

and I never even got a

chance to fight for it.

People like us don't go quietly.

TVA knows that, so they took us out.

The answer is yes, I'm in.

In what?

A team.

Me, you, you and me, all of us together.

Let's get the fuck out of this place.

Oh, listen, don't leave the fucking line.

It was an educated wish!

Ah, look.

We've been inside Cassandra's lair.

The only way out of

the void is through her.

She can get us home.

She told us.

Wait a minute, you've been inside?

And you made it out alive?

Bullshit.

Nobody's ever done that.

We did.

Every time one of us

is going up against her,

they die.

The Punisher, the

Quicksilver, the Daredevil.

Daredevil, I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

Okay.

Even that sweet baby angel, Johnny Stone,

he up and going missing

like, what, two days ago?

Ah, that's so sad.

Wherever this Johnny-keller

is, I'm sure he's thriving.

Look, there's strength

in numbers, all right?

Us, plus you guys, we can

put Cassandra over our knee

and force her to let us out of the void.

I know what it means to feel self-doubt.

I don't feel that at all.

I'm good.

Now I get your gut like

a coke duct tape work.

It's like you're in

the middle of my soul.

You guys may not have been

able to save your universes,

but you can avenge them.

It's what Johnny would have wanted.

Wait, you knew Johnny?

Oh yeah.

Dig head here, talk to

him, and we'll team up.

When Johnny came down with

a little case of the dead.

No, no, no, no, we don't know that.

It was just a flesh wound.

He may have survived.

If he survived that,

he is praying for death.

Thank you, Dr. Wolverine.

Really?

What you do to Johnny, huh?

Talk to him, I'm gonna stop you.

Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey.

Okay, he rinsed badass

mouth about Cassandra,

and she zips-zapped his skin,

leaving his organs to

splash crudely under the ground

while the soil greedily drank his blood.

It was horrible.

He was like a brother to me.

Look, he died before he

could make a difference,

but maybe you couldn't save your world,

but Jesus Christ, you could save mine.

I don't give a shit about your world,

but if these two made

it out of their life,

maybe together, we could

get back in and take her down.

Where'd it come from?

We call that suicide, Sher.

If we can block her psychic powers,

we can get a leg up.

I know it.

Now, I know Magneto's dead,

but I venture to guess that his helmet

is lying around her stomach.

Cassandra melted a helmet.

How did she kill them?

She don't believe.

She knows that helmet was the only way

to protect anyone from her powers.

The only other helmet

that's strong is Juggernauts,

but he works for Cassandra.

Juggernauts helmet, that's it.

And we don't be knowing

that it ain't coming off.

I'm gonna come out with it.

I'm so sorry, beautiful,

how could this be gentle?

Who is your dialect coach?

The minions?

I feel like we're missing

critical exposition here.

I'm sick of this shit.

I'm sick of hiding.

Let's face it, our

world's forgot about us.

Everyone never learned about us.

The heroes we were.

Lives we saved or wanted to save.

Maybe these two are a chance,

(gurgling)

to be remembered the way we deserve.

Yes.

Legacy.

Yes, yes, let this man cook.

This is what I'm talking about.

Big slow motion, fight sad music,

everybody working together.

Who knows if you live or

die, that sort of thing.

Who's ready?

I was born ready.

Yes, damn it.

I ain't know my daddy,

but I'm sure I shot

out of his dick ready.

Jesus Christ, that is graphic.

Yeah, he was random, but

he knows all about my mama

and I shot out there and

I said, "What's up, doc?"

Johnny wants to love you.

X-23, what's it gonna be?

The name's Laura.

Let's fucking go.

Let's fucking go.

So, let's kick it and go.

Yeah, we're doing this.

You're all fucking dead.

My god, read the room.

I'm not looking for company.

Get out of here.

You remind me of an angry drunk name.

Sounds like a great guy.

It wasn't finished.

Showed up when it mattered the most.

Couldn't help it.

You might not know it, but

you're a good man, Logan.

You might not know it, but

apparently I'm the worst,

Logan.

I got to have a life because of you.

I got to grow up because of you.

A lot of kids did.

A lot of kids didn't

grow up because of me.

Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.

That suit says different.

Yeah, what do you like it?

What do you like it?

Scott used to beg me to wear it.

So did Gene, Storm, Beast.

All of them.

Wanted me to be part of the team.

Told them they all

looked fucking ridiculous.

I couldn't have them

thinking I wanted to be there.

And then one day,

while I was off on my own,

the humans came.

And went mutant hunting.

I can guess the rest.

No, no, let me.

Let me say it.

I need to say it.

By the time I stumbled

on shit face from the bar,

it was too late.

It was dead, every...

(dramatic music)

This suit's all I got to

remind me of who they were.

And what I did.

We're headed to Cassandra's at Sohm.

Have fun in my fight.

We won't pull this off without you.

Hey, whoever you think I

am, you got the wrong guy.

You were always the wrong guy.

(dramatic music)

What?

Elias didn't get them.

Sonner wanted to play

with them herself first.

They got away.

Did they find the others?

No.

Good, all right, you fool.

The others found them.

Oh, very cute, well done, Pyro.

Classic baby swish,

you really got me there.

Relax.

They come after Nova, she'll handle it.

Cassandra is a lunatic wild card.

Why do you think we put

her there in the first place?

I'm told she's never

chosen to leave the void.

The time river is

hours away from completion.

I can't take any chances.

Maybe not, but I can.

For a price.

Why do you have to say

it, that silly voice?

It's so icky.

You want it done or not?

All right, your price, take her out.

Mutants.

Woo!

Bring them out, bring them out

Bring them out, bring them out

It's hard to yell when

the bad rails in your mouth

Come on

Bring them out, bring them out

Hey Bring them out, bring them out

Yeah, if you keep coming

live, I'm gonna be happy

Heard the night light go

bright, would that be both

Baby, stay warm, see by me

The whole city gets a little dirty

Look at that, yeah.

See them big old hands coming through?

Is there not a

one-hundred-nothing inside?

What Gambit's trying to say

is getting Juggernaut's helmet

ain't gonna be easy.

I'm just making stuff up with this.

Yeah, tilt up to blame.

Run!

This is

the same thing to Philly,

I haven't heard any checks.

I don't think you should.

I don't think you should.

Where do you get that little beauty?

That's the one that shares 18 floors.

What's the punishment?

There's been like five of them.

There's only been one blade.

There's only ever gonna be one blade.

Bring them out, go on the

last show, better than last

I got a one-hundred-nothing inside

Bring them out, bring them out

Bring them out, bring them out

Bring them out, bring them out

Bring them out, bring them out

Bring them out, bring them out

(engine revs) You better get on your wheel

You're my master

Boy Who's a Portuguese

teacher

You better be ready to laughable

I made my way You're aoop You're aoop And I can't stay

gloves and jeans

My name is

(dramatic music)

Oh, this is gonna be good.

You know how long I've

been waiting for this?

Whoo, I'm about to make

a name for myself here.

I don't think you

guys walk away from this.

You just make sure people know what

happened here today.

When you get out of here,

you have a drink for me, yeah?

You'll stay without six, get inside.

We'll make sure you get the package.

And we'll get our ending.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

Some motherfucker's still

trying to hide skate up here.

(screaming)

You two escaping I could live with,

but coming back, willingly.

Boys are so silly.

I just need to get home.

Well, that's not on the menu, I'm afraid.

It's death or

enslavement, and a cart, of course.

Up to the--

(screaming)

Finally, it's nice to give

someone else a chance to talk.

Not my strength, sir.

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

Should've known I'd die.

(screaming)

Adios, Ben Nihon.

(screaming)

You are an interesting one, aren't you?

I do feel like you get

lost behind all of this.

(humming)

Deadpools are a dime a

dozen here in the void.

But you, what's going on in here?

(growling)

(screaming)

Interesting.

How are they selected back here?

Behind the anchor.

You're hiding from them,

from all the ones you let down.

So much pain.

I walked away.

They called after me and I walked away.

I always do.

I know.

That's not all you did, is it?

(growling)

You found them, the X-Men?

Dead.

Dead?

But I would.

What did you do?

I started killing and I couldn't stop.

I didn't want to stop.

All those bad men.

It's not just the bad ones.

My little animal.

I turned the whole

world against the X-Men.

I just was.

I want to be the man

that Charles Stoker was.

Logan, in the void you

can be, hold to you all.

I just want to be free.

I can set you free.

I can silence all those voices. I've got you.

I've got you.

I got you.

(screaming)

You're gonna send us home

where I'm gonna twist

your fucking head off.

Why are you laughing?

I can't send you unless you

get this thing off my head.

And as soon as you do that,

I'm going to boil your

brains on an atomic level

whilst flicking my bean

to the end of your box set.

This end of your box set?

Either you kill me or I kill you.

Both wonderful options.

You want me to do it?

No, Hollywood.

I have her net right

here, it's really no problem.

You'll screw it up.

Oh come on, Mr. PT-13

except the last one.

What the fuck?

No, no, no.

You have no idea what it's like.

Day after day, shovel the shit.

Fetch the meats.

I have spent my entire--

Steven!

Not everyone gets a speech.

She's gonna die.

Okay, hey, hey, if I

take this helmet off,

you promise you won't kill us.

I promise I will kill you first.

Why are you like this?

I wish I knew.

Take it off.

What?

Take it off.

Why?

Just take it off.

This is our only chance to fix our shit.

Take it off!

I am wearing a suit.

And that means a lot of things,

but most of all, it means I'm an X-Man.

And I know your brother.

As much as I'm gonna fucking kill you,

every bone in my body

must fucking kill you.

He would not let me

stand here and watch you die.

To Ganzhoff.

This is for him.

This is for Charles.

(dramatic music)

Don't you dare do it like Johnny.

My brother loved you.

He loved all of us?

Hmm. Must be nice.

He would have loved you too.

If he knew about you,

if he knew where you were,

he would have torn a

hole in the fucking universe

to bring you home.

This is for him.

At least let us save his.

No, I'm not gonna say that.

I'm not gonna say that. You wanna hear something crazy?

And I'm a cheer magician

who rolled through here

a while back.

I killed him, of course,

wore his skin around for four days.

But I felt this little trinket

on his lovely fingers.

Strange.

Very sparkly circle.

What is that?

This is your way home.

I do owe you for saving my life,

but let's keep things interesting.

I'd say you have about four seconds

before your life's through.

Race you.

I'll be seeing you

In all the old familiar

I'll answer

You got this heart

Embrace you

All day through

In that small cafe

Your trash can wait

And the jungle is here so

The jungle is waiting

We shall know

I'll be seeing you

In every lovely summer's day

I'll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is through

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you

As I guess, we got a standard three year

bummer to bummer warranty.

Glad you gave us a second chance.

And don't worry, Wade and I are a team,

so I'll see you again after--

(gun fires)

That feels like a

fucking kid car, wasn't it?

Oh.

Holy shit, that's Deadpool.

That's Wolverine.

You damn straight it is.

Fox killed him.

Disney brought him back.

They're gonna make him

do this till he's 90.

Let's go.

I'll clock you out.

Forever.

Forever.

Wakey wakey.

Okay.

Now you put all these bullets in my belly

and I'm gonna find out why.

Whoa, whoa!

How'd you say it?

You don't have to

stick your fingers in me.

Jesus, just ask sometimes.

Fine.

Really?

Hands and pockets.

A guy named Herodox.

He said he'd give me out of the void.

All I know is he works for the TVA.

The TVA?

You didn't agree with him.

I didn't agree with him.

I don't think this guy cares.

Huh, he will.

Hey people, how much longer

before the time repper is active?

We're running the final safety checks.

Oh, okay, all right,

thanks for all your hard work,

Ralph, take a jump.

Really?

No, you drooling boob.

No, we have company,

cancel the safety checks.

We need to be live now.

Oh, I saved you so much.

No, stop, piss off, you're too late.

Fucking done.

I was more crying.

How dare you?

No one comes back from the void.

Tell that to Cassandra Nolva.

Peridox, we have a problem.

Peridox?

When you are dourier than

you looked in Peridox's head,

you tried to kill me.

I literally have no idea.

I'm the king, you better kill the king.

Oh, welcome to the

skull fuck club, Peridox.

You know she doesn't wash that ass.

Oh, what's this?

A time repper, a naughty boy.

Oh no, we're on it, we're gonna head down

and dismantle that thing now.

We got you, boo, you just

keep playing those keys.

I don't want to destroy it.

I want to use it.

Now shoot, mommy and daddy

are having a conversation.

(screaming)

You know the funny things?

I was happy in the void.

You sent no trash to me,

the life that I cleaned it up.

Everyone was happy.

And you had to go and

piss on my side of the front.

And so now the fence must come down.

I'm going to use a little time repper

and I'm going to destroy this universe

and the next and the next and the next

until all that's left is done.

And I get to pray God.

Come on.

Now, who are going to show me how to use

this fancy gadget of yours?

Don't worry, I've called some friends

and they sure were not disturbed.

Sorry to bother, madam,

but there's something you need to see.

We're getting indications of an

unsanctioned time repper

activating on Earth 1005.

Whose district is that?

Paradox.

Well, thank you so much

for your help, darling.

God, good to get out of that head.

What a mess.

Stop.

Let's give it a beat

for the extra stick-lear.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

It's gone.

It's gone.

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl.

My girl, we don't have to

be a car ever, ever again.

Never, ever again.

Sorry.

Fuck.

What's cafe gratitude doing here?

Sorry about that.

Tremble nut, sweet Mary Evans.

Oh, that's a little...

Come here, girl.

Papazia.

Hey, do not insult

this animal's autonomy.

She can decide who her papa is.

What's it gonna be, girl, huh?

Original recipe?

Or then milder here.

Oh, it's funny.

I can gently tap the fourth wall too.

The proposal.

The fuck was that?

Bitch, you think that's what I do?

Both of you, shut up.

You smell something?

Yeah, you.

A lot of you.

Don't you know a lot

of Deadpools over there?

That's bad.

I take it they're not friendly.

Goodness, no.

Sorry about this, boys.

Mission over.

Cause of death, 100.

Kill thirsty Deadpools.

They're dumb, but they can fight.

Not me though.

I'd love to get in the mix,

but I have low bone density

and I have to keep my face safe.

Hold please.

Oh, okay.

All right, look.

Guys!

Deadpool Prime here.

Our fight isn't with you.

Hey, when I want your opinions,

I'll take Wolverine's

dick out of your mouth.

That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest.

Can we just be done?

Ooh, we're just getting started.

No, no, no, no, no.

With the whole multiverse thing.

It's not great.

It's just been miss

after miss after miss.

Wizard of Oz did the multiverse first

and they did it best.

The gays knew it, but we didn't listen.

Let's just take the L and move on.

I think it's been

steadily great since Endgame.

What are you talking about?

The multiverse is over.

Sandy gonna destroy the

fuck out of every time.

I don't care to do shit about it.

Do you not get it?

If we don't get out of

the subway, it's stopped

or we all die.

Say the boss lady

don't want no disturbance.

You wanna get down to the subway?

You gotta go through what?

Lizzy time, baby.

Lizzy time, baby.

Look alive.

(gun fires)

I think I'm hit.

Oh shit, you did that on purpose.

I did no such thing.

Listen to me, gorgeous.

How long does it take

for you to regenerate?

Regenerate?

You really are God's

perfect idiot, aren't you?

I'm okay.

How dare you, you

insensitive son of a bitch.

How was I supposed to

know he doesn't regenerate?

I'm not a medicine woman.

Look, a donut cart.

They're practically hospitals.

They sell portable triage units.

I know.

I'm gonna get you to safety.

Please, Papa.

Deep breath.

(engine revs)

(engine revs)

Hey, where are we stopping?

Just catching my breath.

Are your legs on vacation?

You're dead weight.

Just because I'm paralyzed.

We all have problems.

Listen to me.

You're gonna live.

Look at me, nice call.

Here, come over here.

Say it.

I'm gonna live.

Say it with me.

You're gonna live.

You're gonna live.

Ha ha.

Say it with me.

I'm gonna live.

Hold your fire.

Sweet little puppy.

(dog barks)

I don't think he's gonna make it.

God, he loved his face.

I could taste his final thought.

He was so afraid.

But he died a hero.

He died from murder, you dumb fuck.

All I have to remember him by

are these two gold-plated,

50 caliber desert eagle pistol arrows.

This is for him.

Are you ready?

I get to kill 100 youths.

Fuck you, I'm ready.

You don't wanna see this, bro.

That's a good girl.

(dramatic music)

Life is a mystery

Everyone must stand alone

I hear you cry my name

And it feels like

I'm home

(dramatic music)

Holy shit.

You saved the good

stuff for special occasions?

Killing mostly.

What's the wind resistance

on those blowjob headings?

Sorry, just a gatty

picture, but I'm jealous.

All right, let's do this.

Maximum effort.

(dramatic music)

(wind blowing)

When I go back to

Suck a little bit

I've got so many

I'm gonna take you back

And leave my head

I can feel your bones

Just now, oh yeah

You know I'll take you back

I see you

I'm gonna take you back

(dramatic music)

You know you just don't know

You know I'll take you back

What the fuck?

I wish I would have.

(dramatic music)

I'm gonna take you back

Just now, oh yeah

When I go back to

I'm gonna take you back

I'm gonna take you back

I'm gonna take you back

(dramatic music) (crashing)

Come on, I blew it.

After all that, the only

thing you're gonna remember

is that god-awful dismount.

(squeaking)

What are you laughing at, little fucker?

Oh no.

I guess these ones regenerate.

Come on, we have time for this.

Dead fools, stand down.

(dramatic music)

(crashing)

This dead fool's with me.

Oh no.

Holy shit.

That's fucking Peter.

(screaming)

Wait, you guys know Peter?

Are you kidding me?

Every dead fool has a Peter.

Shit, Peter's a god damn legend

in every dead fool's world.

Give me something.

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

Enjoy my Peter.

(dramatic music)

(crashing)

Oh, now you're here.

Oh well, you're too late, it's all over.

Not yet, it's not.

No, no, no, no, but we're very close.

Homestretch, folks, promise.

Quick, let's have the steaks.

If she steals the time represented,

she has the power to shred

the fabric of all the realities

until there is nothing left but the void.

How do we shut it down?

I don't know.

(crashing)

The mask is really intimidating, huh?

It's like Batman

except he can move his neck.

Okay, look, look, look, look, look.

(crashing)

The Ripper is fed from a

secure chamber below ground.

It is powered by twin

matter and antimatter feeds

converging inside the device.

Now Cassandra Nova is

redirecting the Ripper's power

to eliminate all

timelines, starting with this one.

Theoretically, you could stop her

by short circuiting the

feeds in the chamber below.

One of you would create a

circuit between the two feeds,

then the released power

would destroy the machine.

But, well, come on, man.

If you're not gonna swallow, spit it out.

Whoever formed the

bridge would be annihilated.

I could live with that.

I could live with that too, actually.

You don't need to survive anything.

We're like cockroaches.

Not this time.

This is matter and antimatter.

They do not play nicely with each other.

When they mix in your

body, you will be atomized.

Trust the laws of

physics if you don't trust me.

Even if you lived long

enough to make the circuit,

you will die down there.

(dramatic music)

(engine revving)

Hold up, hold up.

You heard that asshole upstairs.

Even if we pull this off,

we're dead, permanently.

That's why it's gotta be me.

What?

Look, man, you didn't

ask for any of this.

You were right.

I lied.

I lied right to your face.

Just to get you to help me, you did.

You didn't lie.

You made an educated wish.

Come on.

You got a whole world to go back to.

I got nothing.

I got nothing.

Give me this.

Hey.

(dramatic music)

I waited a long time for this team up.

You know something?

You're the best Wolverine.

Say hi to your friends for me.

(dramatic music)

Open the door.

I can't hear you over

all the noble sacrifice.

Why are you fucking doing this?

Because I'm Marvel Jesus.

We're Spock.

Aren't you, Sam?

Hey!

You're fucking it.

(laughs)

Sorry, I'm just stalling.

I think I'm nervous about dying.

You should be me.

Say hi to my friends for me, Peter.

Why?

You wanna be an annoying type?

You're just sorry.

You're gonna die again, you don't fuck.

(dramatic music)

Hey, you don't need to do this.

I'm not doing it because I need it.

I'm doing it because they do.

(dramatic music)

No!

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(gun fires)

No!

All right.

(dramatic music)

He's not gonna make it.

(gun fires)

(dramatic music)

It's over.

(dramatic music)

(gun fires)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

The Wolverine is a hero in my world.

Whoever you think I am,

you got the wrong guy.

You were always the wrong guy.

Till you weren't.

(dramatic music)

Wait.

Wait, you can finally, finally, matter.

(dramatic music)

Phyllis. I've seen Vanessa.

For the first time in

my life, I am proud.

The way it is.

He means I'm an ex-man.

I am the ex-man.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

Tarrantox.

You've been busy.

Well, somebody has been.

We had some strange

readings from this location.

You wouldn't know anything about an

unsanctioned time river,

would you?

No, no, I wouldn't know anything

about an unsanctioned time river.

Maybe you should ask Cassandra Nova,

because I was assured that

she was safely held in the void.

But no, she was here

and she fondled my brain.

How did she let this happen?

You weren't involved at all.

In stopping her, yes, yes, I was.

But not nearly enough.

Not as much as the men who

went down there after her.

My men, my friends,

I warned them, but they would be

completely obliterated

if they went, but they went anyway, like,

like heroes.

Because that's who they were.

They just did what they had to do.

We both concerned for their own safety.

The fact that we are

all still standing here

is a testament to their heroism.

Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do

to bring them back now.

He has risen baby girl

Fuck!

And I don't want you to see me

Cause I don't think

we're made in any style

No, everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know why

Now, here's your new anchor, Pete.

And we're doing just

fine in piece of shit.

Fine indeed.

All right, put your greasy

tits away, you preening slut.

I don't understand.

How are you two still alive?

You're right, one of us

would have been killed.

But you put a Deadpool

and a Wolverine together,

make them hold hands

while listening to Madonna?

Indestructible motherfucker.

Let's get this Deadpool

variant back to the void.

Wait, hold on, what?

Nope, actually, this one's homegrown.

Like me, he belongs here.

And you are?

Peter Poole.

But you can call me Peter.

And I hope that you do.

What the fuck is happening here?

You are under judgment

for operating an

unsanctioned time-ripper.

Take it.

I was just doing what you

don't have the guts to do.

Get off, get off, your

fists want hands off fists.

I'm grateful, gentlemen.

Let's hold the bowels.

You led an Omega level

mutant to this timeline.

You're welcome.

And you shouldn't even

be near this timeline.

He's welcome.

And you look damn good in that suit.

I'm so sorry.

(phone ringing)

I wanna show you something.

Something huge.

That's what

Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.

Do you see that?

Your universe is regenerating.

Whatever you did here, you

not only saved your world,

you spared your timeline from extinction.

I've messed up.

I have a feeling your work

is only just getting started.

Till you're 90.

Wait!

We couldn't have made it out of the void

without some help from some people

that the world kinda forgot.

Is there any way that

you could maybe find a way

to bring them home?

I'll see what I can do.

And I promised my friend here

that the TVA could undo

some pretty awful shit

in his timeline.

What would you say to that?

Changed the past.

He did help me save the world.

And his past made him the man who did it.

There's nothing to fix, Mr. Wilson.

Look at him.

Torma, I get to eat now.

You know the Avengers discovered Torma.

I'd be lucky to have you.

(dog barking)

(dog panting)

Fuck off!

Hold my little country,

he has a deal, you're up through fiber.

Look, all is right in the world.

Yes it is.

So what are you gonna do next?

I'll figure it out.

I always do.

All right.

So I'll probably see you around.

Probably not.

See you, mother.

Hogan!

Al, my back.

About damn time, you hold it.

I'm all out of devil's dancin'

and I'm shaking like an angry fireplace.

Thank you, Al.

We have company.

Althea, this is Logan.

Nice to meet you, Logan.

Nice to meet you too.

And this little ancient,

anal shit-knot is Mary Poppins.

Or as I like to call her, dog pool.

You wanna treat

yourself to a little stroke?

Look at the tongue.

Oh my God, motherfucker!

Right, it's like an

armadillo fucked a gremlin,

angrily, in a bed of gonorrhea,

and didn't stop till the sun came up.

Everyone wants to matter.

Turns out that you don't need to be

more than Jesus to do it.

You just need to open

your eyes and look around.

And if you're lucky,

you'll find a few friends.

Old friends and some new ones too.

(crowd singing)

Give me the fucking

dog, talk to the girl.

(crowd singing)

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You've been busy?

I did it for you.

If you don't want me, I did it for you.

Turns out, I am the world's saving type.

Just look around this

table if you want proof.

For the best part,

sometimes the people we save,

they save us right back.

(crowd singing)

(crowd singing)

You are not the only one with gifts.

What is this place?

(crowd singing)

Another turn and boy, a

fork stuck in the road

I grabbed you by the

rest, direct you where to go

Don't make the best of

this test and notice why

It's not in question but a lesson in time

Hi, you.

This is Stanley.

(crowd singing)

I really like the art

in the Deadpool comics.

You know, I just always

felt kind of a kinship to him.

I like to play that guy someday.

(crowd singing)

(crowd singing)

I was there for three weeks

before I shot a single thing.

For that first day of

shooting, I was so nervous, man.

Everyone was sort of

going, "Use this guy."

You know, there was a lot of that.

You know, he was going to deliver

and you can feel all

that kind of pressure.

Always the suits are cold.

Never be able to do that.

(upbeat music)

(crying)

This is the only way.

Got something to protect our bones

And the others right

I hope you end the time of your life

Oh, this is what it is.

And there's Alexa.

I'm a medical researcher.

Bye, media.

Bye.

(crowd singing)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music) (upbeat music)

(laughing)

I'm tired of these absolutely vile rumors

that I got Johnny killed.

Let's look at the tape.

In the void, you're either food for Elias

or you work for her.

Go on, Johnny.

And I'll tell you who her is.

Cassandra Nova, a

megalomaniacal psychotic asshole.

A finger-licking dead inside pixie slab

at third rate dime store in Ducknell.

And I'll tell you what she can do.

I'm listening.

She can lick my

goddamn cinnamon ring clean

and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.

In fact, I don't give a

shit if she removes all my skin

and pops me like some

nightmarish blood balloon.

If the last thing I do

with this, God forsaken,

come gut her existence,

is like that fuck box on a

fire I still won't die happy.

Holy shit, girl, you crazy.

That's right, wait.

I won't be happy until I've urinated

on a freshly barbecued corpse

and husk fuck that chime remains

while gargling juggernuts juggernuts.

Wow.

And you can quote me.

Okay.

Gotcha, fuck face.