Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ALL CHEERING]

MAN 1: All aboard, girls!

Bye!

[BUS HONKING]

MAN 2: Welcome home, honey! GIRL 1: Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Mom!

- Mom! - Hi!

Hi! [LAUGHS]

Wait. Did you get taller?

- Yes, I did. - Wow.

So good. Okay. Oh, here it is.

- Let's get your trunk. - MARGARET: Yes.

I double-parked the car and they're already mad at me.

- What car? - Oh, we bought a car.

- We bought got a car? - Yeah!

- What for? - I'll explain later.

It's that big blue one right over there.

- [HONKING] - In the middle of the road.

- MAN 3: Hey, lady, you kidding me? - BARBARA: Sorry!

- Sorry, we're going. One second. - There's my girl!

Grandma!

- Ah! - [HONKING CONTINUES]

- Oh, God, I missed you! - MARGARET: Me, too!

Lady, you can't stop in the middle of the street. Let's go!

- I'm sorry. Promise, two more seconds. - Come on, lady.

Welcome home gift.

- Oh, you made this? - From scratch.

- Aw! - It's cashmere.

I did everything

- but shave the goat. - [GIGGLES]

- Margaret! Can you just... - MAN 3: Let's go, ladies.

I'm so sorry. Yeah, get the bottom there.

- Okay. You got it. - Here we go. Okay.

- Right on, girls. - All right, here we go.

- Oh, God. - Heavy.

Watch out for the...

- Watch out for the bike. - Oh, God.

BARBARA: Here we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. I would've done it.

BARBARA: Oh, hi!

I would've done it. Please, please.

- Oh, my God. Amazing. - We got it.

- Dad! - Hello! Oh, my goodness!

- I'm so glad to see you. - Me, too!

Look at that! What happened?

- So, how was camp? - It was amazing.

- So, you were in a play? - Yep!

Oh, my God. That's incredible.

- What are those boxes for? - Don't worry about that.

I want to hear more about camp.

What else did you learn?

- What else did you do? - You're moving.

- What? - Really, Mom?

- Sylvia. You promised. - Oh, wow.

We're moving?

Look, it's... Look, we we're...

SYLVIA: She saw the boxes.

- She was putting it together. - I don't think she was.

- We're moving? - Okay.

HERB: Just...

Look, we wanted you to settle in

before we sprung the news.

But, um, your dad got his promotion.

HERB: Yeah. Isn't that great? BARBARA: And we found

- this great house. - HERB: Oh, the best house.

- The best house. - Where?

Well, that's the thing. We got really lucky. And...

- New Jersey. - HERB: Ah...

- New Jersey? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- [HERB GROANS] - I said I'd stay out of it.

We're leaving New York?

Barely leaving New York.

It's just on the other side of the river.

But...

But we're happy here. We don't need to move.

No, we don't need to move but we want to move. Right?

I don't.

I'll have to leave all of my friends

and change schools

and I'll never see Grandma anymore.

BARBARA: That is not true.

Look, you're going to keep all your friends here

and you're going to make more friends. And listen to this.

I'm not going to work anymore.

Do you know what that means?

That means that I'm not going to be gone all the time.

Running from class to class.

God. Do you know how bad I felt about that?

But you love teaching art.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do, I do, but...

But this is, this is our opportunity.

I'll be home now.

I can be home with you every single day.

I'll get involved at your school,

just like all your friends' moms.

And we'll have family dinners and I'll learn to cook.

[CHUCKLES]

BARBARA: I know it's a lot.

Can you just try to believe us?

Yeah.

Mmm.

I love you so much. Come here.

Come here. You, too. And you, Sylvia.

- Sylvia. Come on. - HERB: Come on, Mom. Come on.

BARBARA: Come on. You know you want to.

Faster.

Okay, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.

BARBARA: There we go. SYLVIA: Oh, my darling.

I'm never going to see you again.

HERB: Oh, Jesus.

- Wow. - So dramatic all the time.

What are you taking her over there

with the schmucks and the condos

on the other side of the Hudson?

But we're not going to be in a condo.

SYLVIA: And those mafia diners,

where they shoot each other...

[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SIGHS] God...

[SIGHS]

God?

Are you there, God?

It's me... Margaret Simon.

Um...

I just wanted... Well...

First, I've, I've heard a lot of great things about you.

I don't want to move.

I've never lived anywhere but the city, and...

I... I don't want to do this.

Please, I'm begging you.

Just please, just stop this move from happening.

Um, if... if you can't do that...

Just please don't let New Jersey be too horrible.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

- You're gonna have to hurry up, all right? - Okay, Dad!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

BARBARA: Okay, you. You need some light.

[SNIFFS] Oh, God.

They smell bad?

Oh, they don't smell good, honey.

- You're going to be there very soon. Believe me. - [DOORBELL RINGS]

MARGARET: I'll get it.

I already know your name's Margaret

and you're in sixth grade.

The real estate agent sent out,

like, a tiny flyer about you to the whole neighborhood.

It was, like, this big and it had your picture.

Oh, okay.

I'm Nancy. I'm in sixth grade, too.

Do you want to come over to my house

and run under the sprinklers with me?

Oh. I don't know.

You don't know?

Oh, no, no, no. I just mean I'll have to ask.

Um, just a second.

- Mom? - Yeah?

There's a girl from the neighborhood

who asked if I could go under the sprinklers with her.

Oh, that's great. Yeah.

I need my bathing suit.

Good luck finding it in here.

That's all right. She can borrow one of mine.

Oh, hello.

Nancy Wheeler. I live in the bigger house up the street.

Come on, let's go.

Whose class are you in at Delano?

Um...

The letter said "Room 18."

I'm in room 18, too!

We were supposed to have Miss Phipps,

but she ran off with some guy to California,

so we're going to get a new teacher now.

Come on. Room's upstairs.

Voila.

My bathing suit's over here.

Um...

- Here. It's clean. - Thanks.

- Where should I change? - What's wrong with here?

Nothing. I don't mind if you don't mind.

[SCOFFS] Why would I mind?

You're still flat.

Um...

Well, I'm already growing. See?

I'm going to have a pretty big chest.

You know, coming from New York,

I thought you'd be a lot more grown up.

Have you ever kissed a boy?

You mean, like, really kiss? Like, on the lips?

Yeah. Have you?

Not exactly.

Neither have I, but I practice a lot.

You want to see?

[KISSING LOUDLY]

[LAUGHING]

What?

- Sorry. - You have to practice

or else you won't be a good kisser.

Ready to go?

Sure.

[60'S FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING]

Follow the leader.

Yeah, watch me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- I'm a supermodel. - Okay.

[YELPS]

[BOYS LAUGHING]

- Evan, you stupid idiot! - I'm sorry.

You're such a great model, by the way.

Who are they?

It's my dumb brother

- and his stupid friend. - Hey.

- Mom! - That was uncalled for.

Who are you?

Margaret. Um, we moved in down the street.

Oh, so you're the new people?

Ask your dad if he wants me to cut the lawn.

Five bucks, and I trim, too.

MRS. WHEELER: Evan! Get over here right now!

- [SIGHS] I got to go. - Dude...

[BOY GRUNTS]

Got to get us more birdseed.

Yeah.

My name's Moose. Moose Freed. I live down the street, too.

Um...

Yeah, but don't forget to ask your dad

about the lawn thingy.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES] I won't.

[SIGHS] Oh, now I got to go see Evan.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

Sorry you got stuck with Moose.

Oh, that's okay.

Anyways, listen, Margaret.

I've decided I want you to join my secret club.

There's three of us and I'm letting in one more.

But you can't wear socks

or else the others might not want you.

Oh.

See you later.

[DOOR OPENS]

MARGARET: Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret, again.

It's the first day of school tomorrow.

I met this girl, Nancy.

I don't really know if she liked me.

I think she just expected me to be different or something.

Anyway, well, it did get me thinking.

Maybe it is time for...

things to be happening around here?

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

Look.

MARGARET: Anyway, just think about what I mentioned.

BARBARA: It was in with the bathroom stuff.

I found this, too, if you need it.

MARGARET: Thanks, God.

- Thanks, Mom. - Mmm-hmm.

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, wow, look at you.

BARBARA: Are you ready for your first day? How you feeling?

It's going to be great, right?

And if it's not great, first days don't count anyways.

- Right? - BARBARA: Exactly.

- HERB: All right. See you later. - Bye!

- HERB: Bye! - Did I not unpack your socks?

Oh, um, uh...

I don't want socks.

Why? You'll get blisters.

I just don't.

[SUCKS TEETH] Okay.

[LAWN MOWER STARTS OUTSIDE]

Oh. Oh, wait. Dad!

- Hey, hey, Dad! - Yeah!

- Hey. Um... - Hey.

I forgot to ask you.

Um, a boy named Moose asked

if he can cut our lawn for five bucks.

Moose? Well, tell him thanks, but no, thanks.

I just got a new power mower

and I'm really excited for the grass to grow.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- All right. Knock 'em dead today, all right, sweetie? - Okay.

- Okay. - Bye.

I just need to warn you one more time about the socks.

- [LIVELY MUSIC CONTINUES] - [STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Oh, Margaret's here.

Hello. Good, I thought you'd forget.

Guys, this is Margaret,

the one I was telling you about.

- Margaret, this is Janie. - Hi, nice to meet you.

- Yeah, you, too. - And this is Gretchen.

- So, you're the fourth. - Yeah.

Well, you're lucky we saved you a seat.

Or else you'd be sitting next to Norman Fisher.

Ugh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, don't look.

Philip Leroy just walked in.

I was praying so hard he'd be in our class.

Who's Philip Leroy?

Take a guess.

Is that our teacher?

Her? [GIGGLES] No.

That's Laura Danker. Stay away from her, okay?

My brother says that

she goes behind the A with him and Moose

- and lets them feel her up. - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- [DOOR CLOSES] - [MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Good morning, class. [CHUCKLES]

First, let me introduce myself.

I am Mr. Benedict.

And I'm your new sixth grade teacher.

Please complete the following sentences

so we can get to know each other a little better, yeah?

Now, I'll begin, just to start things off for you guys.

I love that I'm finally

getting to be a teacher for the first time.

I hate...

feeling self-conscious

trying not to feel self-conscious because

then you only feel more self-conscious

and then you're blabbing in front of

a whole bunch of kids. Um...

I'm looking forward to the year with you all.

Okay, uh, your turn.

[WHISPERING] Pass it on.

[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes. Okay.

Can any of you go in here?

Ugh, no.

Back in the box.

Okay. All right. Enough.

Enough, enough, enough.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- Hello? - Guess who?

Oh. Sylvia, hi. Um...

- Margaret's not home yet. - It's 3:32.

Yeah?

You said she's out at 3:15 and the walk is ten minutes.

Yes, I did say that. But, well...

I'm sure she'll be

walking through that door any minute now.

Well...

Okay. I guess I'll just wait.

Okay.

So, how are you?

I am fine. I'm good. Yes.

- And how are you? - Oh, fine.

I read that when you don't have any loved ones around

your life expectancy drops drastically,

but, you know, I've had a good run.

[LAUGHS]

You have. You really have. Um...

Margaret is here. Just a second.

- It's Grandma. - Oh. Where's the Band-Aids?

Mmm.

- Grandma! - Honey!

How's New Jersey? Are you okay?

You can tell me the truth.

You know, it's actually not that bad.

Well, that's great news! Wonderful news.

Anyway, I was thinking

that you could come visit the weekend after next.

I'll get tickets to a show.

You can stay overnight,

we'll have a little slumber party.

That could be fun, right?

Oh, I'd love that.

Oh, I knew you would. Great.

And I'll tell your mother it was your idea.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Bye. Bye. - Bye, sweetheart.

- Bye. [LAUGHS] - Love you.

Hey, Mom, can I go Nancy's?

Right now? But you just got home.

I haven't even heard about your day yet.

- I know, but can I go? - Can I have one word?

Ugh... Uh?

Is that a word?

- Can I go? Bye. - Yes, yes, okay, go.

- I love you. Bye! - Bye!

NANCY: Freddy was like, "Boom, boom, look at me!"

He's like, "Make up your mind!"

- She wants attention. - Obviously.

I know. With her "boobala joobeelee."

- [LAUGHS] - Hi!

We were talking about Laura Danker again.

Yeah. And how she got even bigger over the summer.

Yeah, she looked so grown up.

NANCY: You know she's worn a bra since fourth grade?

And I bet you a dollar she gets her period, too.

GRETCHEN: Well, I know for sure someone in the school does.

- How? - I always check the bins.

- You know those little bins in the stall? - Mmm.

All right. Let's get down to business, huh?

- First of all... - Thanks.

...this secret club is a secret.

Nobody tells anybody what happens here,

- all right? - Duh.

NANCY: Second, if you want to be in the club,

then you have to follow the rules.

What kind of rules?

[SIGHS] Well, I don't know. I'm thinking of them.

Don't rush me. Hmm.

Oh, I have one.

If you want to be in the club, then you have to wear a bra.

GRETCHEN: I have one.

If you guys get your period, you have to tell us about it.

- Yes. - GRETCHEN: Immediately.

Every detail. Especially how it feels.

GRETCHEN: Mmm-hmm. JANIE: Ooh, mine is,

we can make a Boy Book

and write down the names of the boys that we like.

Mmm-hmm! What about you, Margaret?

What's your rule?

Um...

Yeah, with the Boy Books, we have to show them

to each other at every meeting and we can't ever lie.

- All right. - [GIGGLES]

NANCY: Let's get this party rolling.

[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]

GRETCHEN: Whoo!

[BARBARA EXHALES]

Okay, honey.

[SIGHS]

All right. Mmm. [KISSES]

See you tomorrow.

I want to get a bra.

Oh.

You... You think you need one?

Oh, no. Oh, honey.

I'm so sorry. No, I just mean that, uh...

Bras are kind of a pain,

so you know, why start sooner

than you need to?

But if you want one, we... we can get you one.

Well, yeah.

So you want one?

Yes. I already said that.

Right. Okay.

Great. Well, all right. Well, then, we will do that.

- This week? - Yes. Good night.

Good night. Good night, my sweet. Okay.

MARGARET: So glad that's over with, God.

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

[PARENTS TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

WOMAN: I'm sorry. Hold on, just a moment.

Are you here for the PTA meeting?

Oh, yes. Hi, hi. I'm Barbara Simon.

Oh, Barbara! I'm Jan Wheeler. Nancy's mother.

- I met Margaret. - Oh, oh.

We're just about to get started, so please come in.

- Have a seat. - Okay, thank you.

- All right. - Just anywhere is fine?

- Here. Just right here. - Okay, okay.

Here we go.

Thank you all for coming.

Delano is nothing without its dedicated parents.

Let's dive right in and get started

the way we do every year,

by forming our committees.

First up, we have the Campus Improvement Committee.

Any volunteers?

Ooh. Okay.

Oh. Wonderful.

Uh-huh. Barbara, I got you. Okay.

Next, the Delano Social Committee.

Sure, yeah. Okay.

- Okay. - [LAUGHS LIGHTLY] Great.

All right. The Fundraising Committee.

Good for you, Barbara.

This is going to be great.

All right, pencils down.

Kindly pass your worksheets forward.

How'd you do, Margaret?

MARGARET: I think I did pretty good.

All right, uh...

Before the bell, I want to share some news

that I think will make you all very happy.

[CHUCKLES] Now that you all are in the sixth grade,

you'll get to do a full, year-long research project.

- [STUDENTS GROANING] - Yes!

BOY: The worst.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Margaret, I would like to talk to you

for a moment after class.

Uh-oh. What'd you do, Margaret?

- Hi. - Please have a seat.

So basically, I'm just having little chats

with each student in advance of your research projects

to answer any questions

or perhaps guide you toward a topic of choice.

Oh.

And I read your getting-to-know-you paper.

And I noticed under the "I hate" section,

you wrote "religious holidays."

Which I... I found curious.

If you don't want to share, you don't...

You don't have to, Margaret.

Oh, no. It's just, um...

I guess I just don't like those holidays

because I don't celebrate any of them.

My dad is Jewish and my mom's Christian,

so instead of picking which religion I am, uh,

they just decided that I wouldn't have one

and I can choose when I grow up.

And have you given that much thought?

Not really. My grandma wants me to be Jewish.

And your other grandparents

want you to be Christian, I imagine.

I don't know. I've never met them before.

They live in Ohio.

So you've never met them at all?

- No. - Oh.

Well, if I may suggest it,

I feel like "religion" could be

a very compelling research topic for you.

SYLVIA: [ON PHONE] Tickets are tenth row,

dead center, very hard to get.

- Tell her that. - BARBARA: I will.

- Is she excited? - She's excited.

Well, I mean, is she excited or is she just excited?

She's excited.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'll let you go. Well, I'm excited!

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

MARGARET: Hey.

- Hey. - What happened to the couch?

Uh, it's time to turn over a new leaf.

I was thinking maybe something modern?

I don't know. I have to think about it. How was school?

You're home a little later than usual, huh?

Yeah.

Hey. How come I've never met your mom or dad?

Um...

Well, what made you think about that?

Just wondering.

I mean, I know that we don't see them

because they're so far away,

but why don't we even talk to them?

We just, we just don't.

It's, uh... It's, um...

It's such a long story.

What do you mean?

I mean, I'll tell you another time.

Why can't you just tell me now?

[SIGHS]

Um...

[SIGHS] I just...

Look, I just...

Uh...

So, um...

We don't see my parents because, um...

They don't want to.

What?

My mom and dad are very, very devout Christians, and...

before you were born,

when your dad and I first fell in love,

um, they told me that it would be very hard for them

to, uh, have a...

Sorry.

Jewish son-in-law.

They told me it would be very hard for them

to have a Jewish son-in-law.

And that if I wanted to marry him,

that was my business, but

I wouldn't be their daughter anymore.

But you are their daughter.

Mmm-hmm. [SNIFFLES] I guess, um, what I mean is that, um...

They just didn't want me in their life anymore.

So, I'm not.

- [VOICE BREAKING] Mom. - It's okay. Oh, honey.

[MOANS]

It was a long time ago.

I have you guys.

Okay, you know what? I took Dad to the station

so we could have the car

because we're supposed to go shopping, remember?

Remember? Bras?

Whoo-hoo.

MARGARET: Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

[SIGHS]

I can't believe this.

What kind of parents would do that?

And blame it on religion?

God, please take care of my mom.

She's a good person.

- She's nice to everyone. - You're welcome.

MARGARET: Even when she doesn't need to be.

- Thank you. - Can't forget about you.

MARGARET: I don't know why this happened.

But please, somehow, make it all okay.

And here are the bras.

MARGARET: Oh, also, I'm getting a bra today.

I'd like something to put in it, please.

Excuse me.

Uh, we're looking for a bra for my daughter.

Hmm. Well, we don't have many that small.

But come with me, dear, I'll measure you.

Arms up, dear.

Hmm.

Barely a 28. Not even a double-A.

Your best bet is going to be to go with

- one of these Gro-Bras here. - It's okay.

So, one day, when you do grow, it'll grow with you.

Okay. Thank you very much.

- WOMAN: Sure. - Thanks, we'll just go try it on.

- Um... - Hmm? Oh.

Yeah. Can I just... I'll just... Yep.

Here we go.

[SIGHS] This is always the tough bit.

I can't even do this to this day.

Okay. All right. Can I see?

- How's that feel? - I cannot wait to take it off.

Yeah. Welcome to womanhood.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHILDREN YELLING]

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Look at you. Working the land.

Heavy machinery, ouch.

Be better if I take my shirt off or it's too much?

Not for me.

- [ENGINE STARTS] - Ooh.

There it is, yeah.

You ever been kissed in the suburbs?

- No, sir. - [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm Laura Danker. What's your name?

- [HERB SCREAMS] - [MUSIC STOPS]

God damn it! [GROANS]

BARBARA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did you lose a finger?

It does say, "Stop the engine motor

"before cleaning the mower, unclogging the chute."

Whose side are you on?

Well, no, you turn off the motor before you...

I'm fine.

You have to turn the motor off, Dad.

[LAWN MOWER RUNNING]

NANCY: Well, time for Boy Books, everyone.

Who wants to go first?

Like it matters.

We all already know who everyone put down.

ALL: Philip Leroy!

NANCY: He's so cute.

GRETCHEN: It's been the same since second grade.

Well, he looks better this year.

- GRETCHEN: Really? - Yes. He must have gone

- to the beach or something. - He doesn't look

- any different. - Who'd you put down, Margaret?

- Yeah, I put him, too. - [CHUCKLES]

All right, well, that was quick.

Now it's time to check for the bras.

- [BRA STRAP SNAPS] - Gretchen has a bra.

Janie has a bra.

Margaret has a bra. Huh.

Now, let's go around and tell our sizes.

Well, mine didn't say it had a size.

It just said it was a Gro-Bra.

Yeah, I got that one, too.

Oh, same here.

NANCY: Well, not me.

I'm a 32, double-A.

If you want to get out of those small bras,

you're going to have to do

the same exercising technique I do.

- There's an exercise? - NANCY: Of course there is.

You hold your arms out like this

and you say, "I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

"I must, I must, I must increase my bust."

- Does that really work? - I'm living proof.

Now come on, get up. Get up! Get up! Get up!

You'll see. Get up.

I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

ALL: I must, I must increase my bust.

Chin up!

ALL: We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "We must, we must,

-"we must increase our bust." - [GIRLS SHRIEKING]

Shut up! You're so stupid!

- Shut up! - EVAN: I can feel it working!

[YELLS] Mom!

BARBARA: Grandma said she'll pick you up

right where you pull in.

- Yes. - I don't want you to talk to

anybody on the bus.

- Especially men. - Right.

And you find a nice seat by yourself...

- Okay. Okay, Dad. - ...by the bus driver.

Um, excuse me, sir, this young lady,

she's traveling by herself today

and I was just wondering if you could keep an eye on her?

- DRIVER: Sure, lady. - Mom, come on.

Okay, good bye. Good bye.

- It's going to be fun. Bye. - Bye!

- Okay. Have fun. - See ya.

Right there, right there!

HERB: Good. BARBARA: There you go.

- See ya! - Independence is good, right?

MARGARET: Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

I'm a little nervous, actually, about being alone,

so can you just

not let anything really horrible happen?

Oh, good. That makes me feel a little better.

[BUS BRAKES HISS]

You know, maybe I will do my school project on religion.

I think it's finally time for me to decide what to be, God.

You wouldn't mind, would you?

I'll tell you all about it.

And I promise I won't make any decisions without you first.

[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]

[BUS BRAKES HISS]

♪ I am the very model Of a modern Major-General

♪ I've information vegetable Animal, and mineral

♪ I know the kings of England

♪ And I quote The fights historical... ♪

Grandma!

Darling, you made it.

Oh, look at you! You look gorgeous.

So do you. Your hair's red.

Yes, everybody thinks I'm a showgirl.

Come on, we'll drop your bag with the doorman

and then, we're gonna scoot to the Delacorte.

♪ With many cheerful facts

♪ About the square Of the hypotenuse

♪ With many cheerful facts

♪ About the square Of the hypotenuse

♪ With many cheerful facts

♪ About the square Of the hypotenuse

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

♪ Then I can write a washing Bill in Babylonic cuneiform

♪ And tell you every detail Of Caractacus's uniform

♪ In short, in matters Vegetable, animal, and mineral

♪ I am the very model Of a modern Major-General

♪ In short, in matters Vegetable, animal, and mineral

♪ He is the very model Of a modern Major-General ♪

SYLVIA: Wait, a minute. Okay. You should always

put your hand lotion on last thing at night.

And then, some ladies

put gloves on over that to sleep in.

- You know why? - [GIGGLING] No.

Okay. You have to promise not to tell anybody this,

what I'm going to tell you now.

- Okay? Okay, swear? - Okay. I swear.

So, I actually did this.

I got a really fabulous hand cream

and I bought these white gloves

- and I put them on. All right. - Oh!

No, I did, I did. And so, I'm lying there, like,

I must've been asleep,

and you know, and I must've gone like this

and I was, like, "Ah! Who's in here?"

[LAUGHING] Because I couldn't feel my own hands.

- [BOTH LAUGHING] - I was frightened.

Oh, God. You are a fab... I had the best time tonight.

- It was amazing. - You are a great date, toots.

Oh, my gosh. You are.

[SIGHS] Lordy, Lordy.

Before I forget, if you hear, like, a [SNORES]

or a [BLOWS RASPBERRY] it's not me.

Okay? You're just dreaming

and you're dreaming. All right?

Okay. Sweet dreams.

[SYLVIA SIGHS]

Hey, Grandma.

Yeah, sugar.

Do you think maybe I could go

to the temple with you sometime?

[GASPS] You bet you can.

Really? Really?

Yeah.

We'll go in the morning. I got to find what to wear.

MAN: Welcome.

- Welcome. - My granddaughter is here with me today.

Shabbat Shalom.

My granddaughter. My granddaughter.

There's the rabbi. He's the best in the city.

Two hours, in and out, bing, bang, boom.

Welcome, dear friends.

Oh, it's starting.

Shabbat Shalom.

CONGREGATION: Shabbat Shalom.

Shabbat Shalom means "hello," "goodbye,"

"peace and harmony," and other stuff.

RABBI: ...in thanks to God this morning.

We open our prayer books and we turn to page 26.

[RABBI READING IN HEBREW]

[WOMAN SINGING IN HEBREW]

RABBI: [IN ENGLISH] Agree to the terms

of their covenant with God.

CONGREGATION: Shabbat Shalom.

Oh, that was lovely.

Oh!

Oh, sweetheart. Congratulations.

Mazel tov.[CHUCKLES]

MARGARET: I don't know, God.

The people seem nice and I like the music,

but I guess I expected something else?

I don't know what exactly. A feeling, maybe?

I can't believe that she took you to temple

without even asking us.

I'm honestly surprised it took her so long.

I told you guys that it was my idea.

I just wanted to try it out.

I'm going to try church, too, Mom, so don't freak out.

I don't care about church.

I don't want you to go to church.

I don't think you should be bothering yourself

with any of this stuff right now.

You said that I can choose my own religion when I grow up.

Yeah, when you grow up. When you're an adult.

I'm almost 12.

- That's almost an adult. - [LAUGHING] Honey, no.

- Margaret. [SIGHS] Honey. - [OVEN DINGS]

I shouldn't have laughed.

- It was funny. - I just...

I don't want her to go through any of it.

I don't either. But it might not be the worst thing.

Think about it.

What does that mean?

Well...

she'll go to a couple of endless services

and then, she'll realize how lucky she was

we never made her go.

Know what got me off going to temple?

- What? - Going to temple.

You don't understand a word they're saying.

And you sit there for a long time.

Oh, honey. Oh.

- What? - I am so sorry. I am...

- What? - I swear I'm going to

buy the furniture.

This is all I need.

Look at it. And look...

Oh, God!

Find me a couch that does this.

- [LAUGHING] - Okay?

You know how ugly the ceiling in our gymnasium is?

- It is. - Yes, it is.

We'll have it refinished, paint it completely black

and then we'll cut out little stars

and recreate the night sky.

[WOMEN EXCLAIM]

- Oh, that's sweet. - How lovely.

So how many stars would we need?

Oh, I was thinking five or 10,000.

[WOMEN EXCLAIM AND CHUCKLE]

MRS. WHEELER: It shouldn't take us long.

I've got some scissors right here.

Okay. [LAUGHS]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

Promenade right.

Now, single file.

And that's it. Yeah!

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] - All right, great.

It's the effort that counts. Have a good evening.

- I'm so glad this is done. - Yeah, that sucked.

- It took forever. - Norman's horrible.

[GIGGLING]

[WHISPERING] Guys. Gretchen got the book.

- [WHISPERING] What book? - NANCY: You know...

My dad's anatomy book that I told you about?

It looks like a thumb.

- What? - [ALL LAUGHING]

- Oh. - It's so saggy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's a wobbly blob.

My brother's looks like that.

- Ew. - How do you know?

He walks around naked. I see it.

It's not a pleasant sight.

I never want to see anyone naked,

or have anyone see me naked.

It's just gross.

Come on. What about when you get married?

Especially then.

Janie, once you grow a little,

you'll want the whole world to see you.

Just like the girls in Playboy.

What girls in Playboy?

- You've never seen... - BOTH: Playboy?

- [BOTH GIGGLING] - Where would I see it?

My dad gets Playboy.

Wait. So you have a copy here, in this house?

Well, I don't know where it is.

Of course you know where it is.

Go on.

- I don't know. - NANCY: Margaret, come on.

- Go get it. - Go get it, Margaret.

WOMAN: [ON TV] You don't want to overcook

and you don't want to start cooking

the bouillabaisse until just the last minute,

because you've got your...

Look how round they are.

Mine just look like little wizard hats.

[ALL GIGGLING]

"Hillary Brite is a 19-year-old

"who loves water-skiing, horses and going out

"to the mall for an Orange Julius."

Do you think any of us

will look like that when we're 19?

ALL: We must, we must, we must increase our bust!

We must, we must, we must increase our bust!

[UPBEAT GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING]

CHOIR: ♪ Jesus

♪ Jesus

- ♪ Hey, God - ♪ Jesus

♪ I'm gonna tell everybody

♪ Not to be afraid...

MARGARET: I don't know if I got the feeling, God,

but I'm sure in a good mood.

SINGER: ♪ The kingdom of Jesus

♪ Has come ♪

[CHEERY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

[SHOVELING SNOW]

[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]

[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[HUMMING SOFTLY]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES]

Hey, what are you doing? Are those Christmas cards?

Uh, New Year's cards.

Um, I'm trying to get on top of it this year.

- Yeah. - Um, oh, there's the mailman.

- Can you... You've got your boots on? - Yeah.

- Can you just run those out to him? - Sure.

- Thank you, honey. - Of course.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Norman Fisher?

BARBARA: So, who's Norman Fisher?

This weird kid in my class.

I don't even know why he invited me.

I barely know him.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

- Hello? - Did you get invited

to stupid Norman Fisher's birthday party?

Yeah. You did, too?

Everyone did. The whole class.

Janie, Gretchen, everyone. Even Philip Leroy.

- Even Laura Danker? - I said everybody.

Anyways, my mom talked to Norman's mom

and I guess it's a big deal dinner party.

We have to look extremely nice.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ow!

Ready? Lean on back.

No. No, no, no.

Where are my shoes?

Oh, my God!

Mom!

JANIE'S MOTHER: There we go.

Oh, this is gonna look so pre... Stop moving!

- We are done. - Yes!

Okay, we're done. Come on. Mom.

MRS. POTTER: Perfect. One more for your body. One more.

Okay, let's go. Mom, no!

MRS. POTTER: Okay. Wait. One more time. Please.

I'm going to get these printed.

- It's weird. - Okay, here. Just push them...

Lick them with your fingers and stick it back.

You got to go, you got to go.

[GIRLS CHEERING]

Bye! Thank you, Jan.

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

GRETCHEN: My God,

I am so excited for all of us to do this.

[CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]

[MUZAK PLAYING]

All right, I'll just, um...

- Just, just... - NORMAN'S MOTHER: Okay.

I'll just... Yeah, okay. Have fun.

[70S POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

[BLOWS]

He's hilarious.

How come she never talks to anybody?

I don't know.

Because she's too busy doing other stuff, that's why.

[GIGGLING]

[SPOON CLANKING ON GLASS]

Now, if everybody's had enough to eat,

we can start the games.

The games?

[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]

NORMAN: I'll spin first.

[CHILDREN GIGGLING]

ALL: Ooh!

[GIGGLES]

Okay. Now, it's Janie's turn to spin.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- This is a great party. - Do we have to play this game?

Well then, let's play a different game, huh?

I have one. It's called Two Minutes in the Closet.

What's that?

Well, we all get a number,

and then somebody will call out, like, number six

and then those two

will go into the closet and, you know...

ALL: Ooh!

Number three.

Who's number three?

Somebody's got to be number three.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Go ahead. Into the bathroom.

Somebody get Freddy a step stool.

[ALL LAUGH]

What do you think they're doing?

- [SHUSHING] - I'm sorry.

[BATHROOM DOOR OPENS]

ALL: Ooh!

You're next.

I pick number... 12.

What?

You're 12?

ALL: Ooh!

[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Nice.

Sorry.

Margaret, turn around.

Um...

So...

Hi.

Hey.

So...

[PHILIP CHUCKLES]

[KISSES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

[HYMN PLAYING ON ORGAN]

NANCY: So, the kiss was really good?

They were pretty good kisses. Yeah.

Kisses? He kissed you more than once?

Like, how many times?

About five, I think.

I don't know. I think I lost count.

I know I shouldn't be enjoying this, God,

but it's just too good.

Sorry, sorry, I'm going to focus.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

The Book of Isaiah, chapter nine,

verses six and seven says,

"For unto us a child is born. Unto us, a son is given

"and he will be called Wonderful Counselor,

"Mighty God, Everlasting Father"

MARGARET: If only you could give me a hint, God.

[PRIEST CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

I'm more confused than ever.

Which religion should I be?

Sometimes I just wish I'd been born

one way or the other.

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, there. This is Barbara calling,

from Delano Elementary School.

And we're just looking for, uh... donations.

Sorry.

Oh, God. I didn't realize it was dinner.

Okay. Bye-bye.

[SIGHS]

- [BIRD CHIRPING OUTSIDE] - [GASPS]

[GASPS]

[SOFTLY] Hi.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Don't go, don't go, don't go.

[BIRD CONTINUES CHIRPING]

I can't believe you're still there. Okay.

Okay.

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - [GASPS]

No.

Jan.

I just popped by to pick up your stars.

Yes. Um...

Uh, I've been cleaning. Come on in.

Um, I'll just, uh, get the stars.

Um, they're, they're almost, uh, ready.

You know, I ordered furniture and, um,

- they still haven't sent it. - Oh, my gosh.

So crazy. Okay, stars. Um...

Stars. Stars. Stars.

[GIGGLES]

Thank you.

Oh, and don't say anything,

but Deb's stars are a little lopsided.

Oh.

You know, yours are so good.

Thank you.

You think you could do her allotment, too?

Just between the two of us?

[STUTTERING] Sure... Yes.

Ah. Thank you. You are such a doll. [LAUGHS]

Well, I better get going. There's lots to do still.

- I'll get the door there. - Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, bye. Thank you for these.

Bye, Jan. Sure, anytime.

[GROANS]

Hello, girls.

I'm Mrs. Webster.

And I am here to speak to you today

about your changing bodies.

Told you this was the big sex movie.

MRS. WEBSTER: Some of you may have

already begun to experience these changes.

While others of you still haven't experienced

a single change at all.

We're going to watch a short film

to learn a little bit more.

[GIRLS MURMURING]

[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]

[LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]

FEMALE NARRATOR: [OVER SCREEN] All girls are unique.

But sometime, between the ages of nine and 16

one very special thing happens to every girl,

menstruation.

Once a month, a velvety lining of blood and tissue

forms in her uterus to make a warm,

nutritious place for a baby to grow.

If a baby is not conceived, the lining is not needed.

And so, the blood is released through the vagina.

That's menstruation.

Who do you think will get it first?

[CHUCKLES] Who do you think will get it last?

[GIGGLING]

I honestly don't know what's taking me so long

to get this dumb furniture.

I guess I just want our house to look like one of those

nice little houses nice little families have.

Do you like these egg chairs?

When did you get your period?

Um...

Just tell me how old you were.

I... I think I was 14?

That late?

That's not late, actually.

I mean, I had a cousin who was 16.

Sixteen? Oh, my God.

[STUTTERING] I'd... I'd die if I didn't get it

before I was 16.

Honey, you will get it

exactly when you're supposed to get it.

Don't worry about it.

NANCY: My mom got me Radio City tickets

since I got all straight A's.

Um, does anybody want to come?

Only bad thing is, is my brother and Moose are coming.

- Oh, I'll go. - Okay.

I got it.

Got what?

My period.

[MARGARET GASPS]

I just don't really understand how you got it first

when I have way more than you.

Well, that doesn't mean anything.

- Yes, it does, Gretchen. - Okay, just tell us

- how it happened. - Start from the very beginning.

Well, I was sitting there at dinner

eating my meatloaf

and I felt something coming out of me.

So I went to the bathroom,

pulled down my pants and that's when I saw the blood.

So I called my mom

and I showed her.

And [SIGHS] she got some

"sanitary napkins," as she calls them.

I put one on and...

Well, that's the whole thing.

That's the whole thing? Just that?

- I told you everything. - NANCY: No.

There has to be something more.

My sister said that it kinda has a smell.

But I haven't noticed that yet.

A smell? Like what?

She said it kinda smells like the monkey bars.

- The monkey bars? Ugh. - GRETCHEN: Yeah.

I used to love the monkey bars.

But do you feel older now? Like more mature?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know how to explain it

and you won't understand it till you get it,

but I feel like everything's changed.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

I've never been so jealous my entire life

and I hate myself for being jealous.

Just please, please just let me grow

and let me get my period.

Let me just be normal and regular like everybody else.

Just please, please,

please, please, please, please, please!

Amen.

[MUZAK PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

JANIE: I don't know if I want to do this.

It's fine. It's just so that we're ready.

Just in case.

Come on.

Okay.

WOMAN: Next in line, please.

Please, God, let it be a lady.

Please.

Thank you.

[BOTH SIGH IN RELIEF]

- Hey, there. - WOMAN: Hey.

- No... - Let's just put them back.

No, come on. Come on.

[BELT WHIRRING]

[BELT SQUEAKING]

[BELT CONTINUES WHIRRING]

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

[SIGHS]

- The Tic Tacs! - [LAUGHS]

- Why the Tic Tacs? - I don't know.

- Everything worked out. - Oh, man.

[LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

- [KNOCK AT DOOR] - Uh, come in.

- Hi. - Hey.

Uh, you've got a postcard.

- Oh. Thanks. - Who's in D.C.?

Uh, Nancy. Uh, they went for President's Day.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Okay.

- You want the door closed? - Yeah. Sure.

"I got it"?

Oh, come on!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello? Simon residence. Sylvia speaking.

MARGARET: [ON PHONE] Grandma?

Margaret? What's wrong?

I just really miss you.

Oh, honey.

Me, too.

I'll be back next week to see the Rockettes and...

maybe could I come down

and stay the night like we did last time?

Oh, sweetheart.

I'd love to, I'd love... But I...

Well...

I'm going to be in Florida then.

I, uh, I heard about this hotel

and there's a lot of people my age there and, uh...

Um, okay.

Wait a minute. Wait. Um...

What if you fly down to Florida

and spend a few days with me?

- Isn't your spring break soon? - Yeah. The end of April.

Perfect! I'll still be there.

I'll ask Mom and Dad.

Oh, great!

That's my girl. Bye, darling.

[SIGHS]

NANCY: Come on, come on! Front row tickets!

- Front row tickets, remember? - I'm coming! Yes, coming!

[SHOW MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm so excited.

Hi.

- Hi. - Hey.

[SHOW MUSIC CONTINUES]

- Excuse me. - Okay.

Thank you.

[MOOSE MUTTERING]

[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Sorry. Lefty.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Do you know if the waiter's anywhere?

Oh. You can have mine. I didn't drink any out of it.

Thanks.

Hey.

Do you know something

I've always liked about you, Margaret?

- No? - Come with me.

I got to go to the bathroom.

We'll be right back. Don't touch my food.

You know, I've had to go since we got here...

[URINATING]

...and then I drank, like, three 7Ups or something.

Uh-huh.

[FINISHES URINATING]

Oh, no.

- Oh, no. - What?

Oh, please. Oh, no.

Nancy?

Oh, no.

Nancy, what's wrong?

Go get my mom, Margaret.

- What's going on? - Go get my mom.

- Please, quick. - Let me in.

Please, please just go get my mom!

Okay, okay, I'll be right back.

Mrs. Wheeler, Nancy's crying. She needs you.

Oh, oh. All right.

Nancy?

- Nancy? - Oh, Mom, please help me.

- Please help me. Please. - The door's locked, Nancy.

I can't get in. You have to unlock it.

- I can't open it, I can't. - Yes, you can, Nancy.

Unlock this door. Come on. [KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Let me in.

[SNIFFLES]

What's going on?

[SOBS]

All right, all right, calm down.

Calm down, I can't help you.

Hmm? Hey, look at me. Calm down.

I can't help you if you don't stop crying and talk to me.

Hey. What is it?

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh. Well, all right. Um...

Here. We'll just, uh...

Margaret?

Margaret.

Would you get Nancy a pad, please

from the dispenser on the wall?

She got her period, sweetie.

Does she always act like that?

Well, it's her first time. She's just a little scared.

Thank you, sweetie.

All right. Yeah?

All right.

Well, you girls wash up.

I'm going to go tell the others not to worry.

Not too long now. Okay?

MARGARET: Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

I don't even know what to say.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm going to Florida?

- Happy birthday. - Mom. Thank you so much.

Hey!

- Happy birthday. - Thank you.

Why do we have different seats?

He said we're in groups to study different countries.

Oh. Hey.

Hey. Happy birthday.

- Thanks. - Oh, and, uh,

- I got you something. - Ow!

It's a pinch to grow an inch.

And you know where you need that inch. Hey.

MARGARET: Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

I hate Philip Leroy. I hate him.

I hate Laura Danker, too! With her big boobs.

"Ooh, look at me, everybody, I'm wearing a sweater."

I hate Nancy. That liar!

And Norman Fisher, the way that he reads

with his stupid lips flapping everywhere!

Please. Please, just hurry up and get me to Florida!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[SIGHS]

Philip and Norman should be here.

They make us do all the work.

What time is your mom picking you up?

Not till later.

I have to go to St. Thomas for Confession first.

Confession?

It's just something you have to do when you're Catholic.

What do you confess?

Things.

What kinds of things?

Never mind.

You're just copying straight out of the World Book.

It's four words.

"Germany invaded Belgium when..."

So, you're still cheating.

Mr. Benedict will know if you're cheating.

I'm not cheating! Jeez!

[WOMAN SHUSHES]

Quit acting like you know everything

and you're so great.

This has nothing to do with being great.

I know all about the stuff that you do.

What's that supposed to mean?

I heard about you and Moose Freed.

What about me and Moose Freed?

Oh, how you and Evan and Moose go behind the A

And why would I do that?

I don't know why you do it. But I know why they do it.

So they can feel you up or something and you let them.

You're a liar. You're lying!

I'm not lying.

You're just like Nancy.

All you do is pick on people and make up stories.

You think I don't know about you and your friends?

Laura!

Wait. Please! Laura!

- Wait up. Please! - You think I don't know

that all of you make fun of me like it's some kind of game?

- It's not me. - Do you think I want to be

the biggest kid in the class?

How would you feel if you were to wear a bra in fourth grade

and everybody called you names

just because of how you looked?

I don't know.

[SCOFFS]

Hey, wait. I really am sorry.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Laura?

Laura.

MARGARET: I'm the worst person who ever lived, God.

I picked on Laura Danker just because I felt mean.

I don't want to be like Nancy.

I don't even know if I want to be friends with her anymore.

I've been looking for you, God.

I looked for you in Temple,

I looked for you in Church...

I didn't feel you at all.

Why? Why, God?

Why do I only feel you when I'm alone?

Yes, my child.

Do you have something you'd like to confess?

Um...

[SIGHS]

I...

I did something really awful.

And...

I'm really sorry.

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

[SIGHS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

HERB: "Dear Barbara,

"your letter felt like an answer to prayer.

"Your father and I have been thinking about you a lot.

"We're getting older and suddenly, more than anything,

"we'd like to see our only daughter

"and finally get to know our granddaughter, Margaret Ann."

[HERB CLEARS THROAT]

"We're flying east next week,

"and we sincerely hope you'll let us visit.

"Love, your mother, Mary Hutchins."

[HERB CLEARS THROAT]

So you sent them a card?

I don't know why.

[HERB SIGHS]

Do you remember what it was like

when they just cast you out?

Yes.

HERB: Do you?

Because I remember.

I know. I know.

How they treated you was just...

- I know. - How they treated me?

They think you're going to hell

because you married a Jew.

Think about that.

I...

I know.

Do you really, really want to open up that door?

We have a good life.

Yes. Yes.

I...

But what if this means... they've changed?

And if they haven't?

They're my parents.

HERB: Mmm.

- The only ones I got. - They are your parents.

Oh, God.

Oh, my goodness.

BARBARA: I'm sorry.

[HERB SIGHS]

What's going on?

BARBARA: Um...

- Oh. - Oh, honey, um...

Uh...

We got a letter

from, um, from my parents, from your grandparents.

And they're coming to visit next week.

- Next... next week? - HERB: Mmm-hmm.

They're really excited to meet you.

I won't be here. I'll be in Florida.

I'm still going to Florida, aren't I?

- Margaret, look... - No. What?

I can't even go to Florida now?

Come on, I don't even want to see them.

I want to see Grandma.

I know. I know and we will make this up to you.

I promise, you will go to Florida,

- just another time. - No, I don't want

to go to Florida another time.

Does Grandma know about this?

No, not yet. We have to call her.

Well, I'm not doing it. You can do it yourself.

- No, of course. Of course. - HERB: Let me handle that.

- No, I will... - Please let me call. Please.

- [LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING] - MAN: To this beautiful day.

[PHONE RINGING]

Just one moment.

Don't eat all the cheese without me.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just kidding. You eat as much as you want.

Depending on your cholesterol.

- [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING] - I'm sure it's low.

Simon residence.

HERB: [OVER PHONE] Hi, Mom. Yes. Uh...

Herb?

Uh, Margaret's, uh, plan to come to Florida next week

isn't going to work out.

I'm really sorry.

MARGARET: Just give me the phone.

Hey, Grandma.

Margaret, what happened? What's going on?

We...

We got a letter that my other grandparents are coming.

And I just really wanted to see you.

Put your mother on the phone right now.

- Oh, no... - BARBARA: It's okay.

Sylvia.

What the hell is going on, Barbara?

Sylvia, I'm so very sorry about this

and I will try and explain it another time.

No. You're going to explain right now.

I'm sorry, I have to... I have to go.

MARGARET: Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

- I'm absolutely miserable. - I am so sorry.

MARGARET: Everything is going wrong. Everything.

I'm begging you.

Make something happen so that they don't come

and I can still go to Florida.

[HUFFS]

Please, Margaret. Even if it's fake,

can you just look happy?

Or at least not so unhappy?

[BARBARA SIGHS]

Why do you even want to see them?

After everything that they did to you?

Because I want them to see how great we've done.

I... And how proud I am of our family.

- Hey! Hello. - [BARBARA SIGHS]

That's them.

Okay.

Hi!

They might hug you, I don't know.

Just be prepared.

[BARBARA CHUCKLES]

- Hi! - Hello!

Hello. It's so nice to see you.

Oh, you too, Barbara.

- Oh. - [KISSES]

- Hi, honey. - Oh.

- This must be Margaret Ann. - BARBARA: Mmm-hmm.

[KISSES]

We're very glad to meet you.

- Yes, we are. Yes, we are. - Me, too.

Um...

Bags! We'll get the bags.

Um, Herb is just out, uh, with the car.

- Yeah, so... Okay. - PAUL: Okay.

BARBARA: Just out here to the right.

The blue car there. Yep.

HERB: Hey.

- Youse okay? Yeah? - Yeah.

Mom, Dad, you remember Herb?

- Yeah. Hello, Herb. - Hi.

- How are you? - Okay.

- Hi. Nice to see you. - Hello.

Um, should I... I'll take this for you.

Oh.

HERB: All right.

Okay.

All right. Should I put these up?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Here we are. Make yourselves comfortable.

- Lovely home. - Yeah!

Thank you. Yes. Uh...

Okay. So, uh, Margaret, uh,

can you show them to their room?

And, um, I'll just get dinner started.

Sure. Um, up this way.

MARY: Gosh, you look just like your mom

when she was your age.

MARGARET: Um, yeah. This way.

[BARBARA SIGHS]

- [EXHALES] Hi. - Hey.

How are you doing?

Uh... How are you doing?

Um, I used up all my small talk

- in the car. - Oh, God.

Do they like sports? TV shows?

Game shows. They used to watch game shows.

- Okay. Game shows, game shows. - [DOORBELL RINGS]

HERB: Hmm.

Um, coming!

SYLVIA: Herb!

Mom!

Baby! Come give your mom a big hug.

Oh.

- Oh. Look at your little face. - Sylvia?

Yeah. My mom is here.

Uh, yes, she is. What's happening?

Well, Margaret said she needed to see me,

so we flew out from Florida.

Are your parents here yet?

Oh. This is Morris Binamin.

- Rhymes with cinnamon. - [CHUCKLES]

- Hi. - MARGARET: Grandma!

There's my Margaret! [LAUGHING] Oh!

- BARBARA: Did you know? - I had no... I know.

I missed you so much!

MARGARET: I thought you were in Florida.

I know. Well, Florida came to you.

- [CHUCKLES] - Uh...

Mom, Dad, this is Sylvia. Herb's mom.

Sylvia, this... These are my parents, Paul and Mary.

Hello.

- Hello. - [PAUL CHUCKLES]

We have pot roast.

SYLVIA: Sure.

[CUTLERY CLINKING]

PAUL AND HERB: Mmm.

- SYLVIA: Mmm. - Oh, yeah.

- Dinner is delicious, Barbara. - Oh, my God, yes.

- Oh. - You have definitely improved.

- It is very nice. - [LAUGHS] Thank you.

Well, I have to admit it was a bit of a jolt, um,

but it's nice to have everyone here together.

The whole family.

- And Mr. Binamin. - [LAUGHS]

Nice to have you, too.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- L'chaim. - L'chaim.

L'chaim. L'chaim.

L'chaim. L'chaim. L'chaim. L'chaim. L'chaim.

- [MORRIS LAUGHING] - [IN ENGLISH] To life!

[BARBARA CLEARS THROAT]

So, um, do you watch Jeopardy!?

MARY: I used to braid your mama's hair

when she was a little girl.

Did your mom ever braid your hair?

Um, yeah, she used to do it all the time.

I can see she taught you how to braid with your bracelet.

Yeah.

Oh, there's just so much

we want to get to know about you, Margaret.

Twelve years is a lot to catch up on.

Yeah. A long time.

So, uh, we were wondering...

Do you go to Sunday school?

Or, uh, have you ever thought about it?

- Uh... - Nope. Never. Not once.

We asked Margaret the question, Sylvia.

Margaret?

Well, you're wasting your time

because Margaret went to Temple and she's Jewish.

- [DISHES CLATTER] - What did you say?

BARBARA: Excuse me.

Margaret went to Temple.

- Okay, Mom, you're done. - What are you talking about?

HERB: Okay, that's it. SYLVIA: Well, you left the room

and they're trying to convert her.

Well, Margaret has the right to be baptized

if she wants to be.

- Baptized? - PAUL: If she wants to be.

BARBARA: I can't believe this.

I can't believe you're doing this.

HERB: All right. Everyone, this discussion is over.

We're her parents and this discussion is over.

Yeah, you're right, it's over, because she's already Jewish.

- Sylvia! - Well, in our eyes,

- she's Christian. - No, no! Margaret is nothing!

[STUTTERING] Margaret is not Jewish or Christian.

She is no religion until she decides.

Well, how can she be Jewish

- if her mother is Christian? - Stop.

You were never there for her. You abandoned her.

What does it matter?

Do you think that we wanted this?

[OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS]

Stop it!

All of you, just stop it.

I don't care. I don't care anymore.

It's all just so stupid, religion!

Just stop fighting!

I... I don't want a religion.

- I don't care. I don't care! - BARBARA: Margaret...

I don't even believe in God!

[DOOR SLAMS]

- Are you happy? Hmm? - [BARBARA SNIFFLES]

- I'm so sorry. I did this. - No, no, no. This is not...

- I am so sorry. - No, this is not your fault.

This is not your fault. Okay, this is not your fault.

No, that was everybody else. That was not...

- Me. - No, no, no.

[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]

MARGARET: "Dear Mr. Benedict,

"what I learned about religion is that it makes people fight.

"That every religion says the same thing.

"If you pray to God, he'll listen to you,

"and help you, and make things better.

"But I've prayed and prayed

"and everything just gets worse."

Okay. We'll call you.

MARGARET: "I don't know anymore, but I think...

"that maybe the truth is...

"there's nobody up there.

"There's nobody listening.

"There's only just...

"me.

"Sincerely, Margaret Simon."

Margaret.

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRYING SOFTLY]

[INHALES]

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

- [SIGHS] - [DOOR SHUTS]

- BARBARA: Hey. - Hey.

Wait. Come here.

I don't really feel like talking.

Yeah. I don't either.

But, um, I do want to say sorry for how things went.

And I know that this past year has not been easy.

Want to just sit for a minute?

Mmm, yeah. Good idea.

It gets tiring trying so hard all the time, doesn't it?

Yeah.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- One, two, three. Cheese! - GIRLS: Cheese!

- Junior High! Whoo! - [GRETCHEN CHEERING]

NANCY: Come on, everybody. Margaret, come on!

Hey.

Thanks, Mr. Benedict.

You're a really good teacher.

Well, I wouldn't say all that. You know,

still trying to iron out some of the kinks.

No, you were really good.

I'm glad you felt that way.

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey.

Do you want to come dance?

Really?

Yeah.

Yes! I knew it!

You basically already won.

GRETCHEN: You've been going for ages.

- Ages, Gretchen? - GRETCHEN: Can I please go?

NANCY: Gretchen, quit complaining all the time.

I'm not complaining.

[CHEERING]

Nancy.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

Come on, please?

GRETCHEN: I got it!

Really nice work on the shading, Daniel.

Thank you.

I think maybe you could put a wash here

just to blend that, but I... It's beautiful.

- Oh. Hey, Barbara! - Jan!

It's so funny to see you. I was just gonna call you.

- Oh. - Can you believe it,

about the stars?

- Oh, I know. - Jeez.

Well, I guess everything is a fire hazard these days.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Anyway, um,

we're getting committees together

over at the Junior High

and I can think of at least three

that you'd be perfect for.

Oh, Jan, that sounds great and I'd love to, but, um...

I don't want to.

But thank you for asking me.

- Yeah. - And, uh...

- Have a good day! - Okay.

[SIGHS]

SYLVIA: I'm going to write you so many letters.

So many letters, the mailman's going to say,

"That's it! No more!"

[LAUGHING] Okay.

Oh. Have the best time, honey.

We'll see you when you get back.

See you soon, sweetie.

- Have fun. - Bye.

Love you. Bye!

- Okay. I think this is it. - Got it?

- Then we just have to... - HERB: Wait, wait, wait.

- ...close it. - Yeah.

- Camera, camera, camera. - MARGARET: Oh, wait.

- Yes. - HERB: All right.

BARBARA: Okay. Now, we just have to close it.

- HERB: Sides. Check the sides. - Okay, got it?

- HERB: Yeah, yeah. Step on it. - Ready. Go.

- [GROANS IN PAIN] - Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Whoo. Ah.

- Just kidding. [LAUGHS] - Every time.

If it's there, I'll take it.

- Okay. - HERB: Good stuff. There it is.

Almost like we've done it before.

- Yeah. - [LAWN MOWER STARTS OUTSIDE]

BARBARA: Is it lawn day?

HERB: It is.

- We haven't paid him yet. - BARBARA: We haven't.

No. And if you wanted to go into the kitchen

and grab it...

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Hey. Hey, Moose.

[LAWN MOWER TURNS OFF]

Here. Dad says thanks.

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Uh, well, have a good summer.

I won't be seeing you for a while.

Oh, where you going?

Camp. New Hampshire. Yeah.

- Oh. - Leaving today.

Well, have fun.

Thanks.

And, uh, I don't know.

Maybe we can hang out when you get back?

Re... Really?

Yeah.

[LAWN MOWER STARTS]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[SIGHS]

[LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]

[URINATING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Mom... Mom?

Mom! Mom!

What is it? What's wrong?

[SHAKILY] I got it. I got my period.

What?

[GASPS]

- I got it, right? - Yeah!

- [BOTH LAUGHING] - Yeah. Yes.

[SOBS] Oh, my God.

[BOTH CRYING AND LAUGHING]

- I don't know why I'm crying. - [BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, my goodness. Wow.

- Are you okay? Yeah? - I'm fine. I'm fine.

- You feel... - Yep, I'm fine.

Do you have any cramping or...

- No. No, no, no. No, I'm fine. - No?

I can't believe this is happening to you.

I don't believe it either.

You're a woman!

I'm a woman!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, um... Get down to business.

- We need pads. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

I actually bought you some.

- Really? - I was going to sneak them

into your trunk at camp, you know, just in case.

But, okay. One sec.

Be right there.

Okay. So...

Um, this is how they work.

- So you just put... - I know how to do it.

I've been practicing in my room for two months.

- [LAUGHING] What? - Yeah.

- You have? Oh, my... - Yes. Yes.

All right.

Well, then, you're, um... You don't need me.

Yeah.

I'll be right out here. Okay.

[SIGHS]

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[GIGGLES QUIETLY]

[SIGHS]

MARGARET: Are you still there, God?

It's me, Margaret.

Thanks.

Thanks an awful lot.

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]