Original subtitles

We will have free bread and medicine for all,

education and art for all.

Every Russian heart will be full of joy,

their stomach full of food,

and their mind full of ideas.

This is Russia.

Well, what does that mean?

It needs to be believable.

We must aim high.

No, he's right.

"No one will rape you or kill your children,

and occasionally there will be some bread" would be enough.

Oh, so far, I've written a 74page treatise.

I thought perhaps some Montaigne.

I got stuck on Machiavelli.

Read in the French translation, he says the ends justify the means.

But in the original Italian, he merely asks.

Oh, sorry!

I was holding... holding the tray,

and then I fell asleep listening to you both.

Is this a coup or a fucking book club?

The blini must be lighter, with a hint, a fucking hint,

of rosemary, not a fucking ballbag of it.

I think it is right.

Strong is good.

Maybe you're right, Louis. Let me check again.

Turns out, no.

How's this for your speech? Something like this:

"My father, Peter the Great, was a leader like none before,

"who catapulted Russia to a greatness hitherto

"never seen on this Earth.

Without parallel, a man who bestrode the lands like a colossus".

Oh, shut up, Arkady.

You don't like it?

I do not remember the new rule where I justify why I tell you to shut up.

Do you?

- I hate these fuckers. - Who?

The generals, your father's buddies.

When we were kids, what assholes.

No. No, marvelous men, and they must have a great day.

It will be a grand day,

that honors your father and reflects glory on you.

If we get the fucking blini right, it will.

Leo Voronsky.

Oh. Forgot all about him.

Emperor, it's an honor.

Of course it is.

Show us your cock.

Of course.

Marvelous.

George? Indeed.

Chaps?

Hmm. Brilliant.

Come.

Mm.

Why do we not just kill him?

Next time he is on you, stab him in the face.

I in the back, Orlo cuts his throat, and then you are empress,

and I am Lady Marial.

The end.

But it it is not so simple.

We need the church to ratify her to the whole of Russia

from the pulpit after, so they must support her.

And if Ivan is alive,

we need a sympathetic military,

for if we kill him before that is all in place,

then the military and others may get behind Ivan,

and run over Catherine in the process.

No one even knows where Ivan is.

- Who is Ivan? - Ivan is Peter's halfbrother,

bastard son to Peter the Great.

His supporters tried to take the throne after Peter first came to power.

I will find out where he is.

How?

Cleverly.

I suspect we need a year to get our pamphlets just right.

It's no wonder you never fuck anyone.

You you cannot speak to me like that.

Because I am a serf?

Because it's rude.

How dare you!

You just walk into my chambers, sir.

I I would have ridden,

but my horse has trouble with stairs. Empress?

Orlo, what are you doing here?

Uh He brought me a book.

Uh, I, I thought the empress would be interested.

- Oh, God, you're dull. Get out. - Sir.

I have brought you a gift. I promised you a lover.

A lover?

It is thoughtful of me, I agree. This is Leo.

His father, Sergei, was a famous ladies' man.

Leo is smart, reads books, recites sonnets,

can hunt with the best, enjoys fine wines and offal,

and has a pretty big cock.

Had mumps as a child, so is sterile. Huzzah.

I hope you like him.

Make her happy, or else.

Must dash. Big day.

You may go, sir.

You I'd rather not.

I do not care. I said you may go.

I'd rather stay a while, so at least he thought it went well,

if you don't mind.

And if you do, I cordially invite you to my execution

and wish we'd known each other better.

Fine.

Just...

sit there.

I thank you.

We were listening. Is that your lover?

Apparently. Mmm, he is very goodlooking.

I did not notice. Hmm.

It is disgusting that he would just give me a lover,

like I am an animal to be serviced.

Well, you would be serviced well.

He's a Voronsky, they are wellknown lovers.

Really? Mm. His father was legendary.

Fuck.

The very week we start our adventure,

Peter gifts you this man.

He is wellknown to insert spies into situations.

I've seen him do it before. Oh, fuck. Maybe he knows.

And I was there and we had our pamphlets everywhere. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ Orlo, relax.

Peter does not know.

He could not.

I will give him back.

How? He's Peter's gift.

Cleverly.

Empress, you wanted to know when the dresses for the ladies' tea arrived.

Oh, it's great!

That is very nice.

Hmm.

Oh.

Empress, do you like it?

Mm. It looks marvelous.

You will stand out.

As I always do.

Come on.

It's very big. Did it have to be so big?

Of course. Your father was an exceptional man.

I remember when I was 17 and he'd look at me at dinner.

It was like the very air around me thinned,

and I could not breathe.

One day, he just walked into the room I was in, and...

locked eyes on mine, and I knew.

And I just lifted up my dress and bent over the table,

and he came and took me.

My firstever time.

God.

I'm wet at the thought of it.

You perhaps did not need to hear that story.

I knew it. I was there.

What?

In the room.

- Playing soldiers in the corner. - Really?

Mm. How strange.

Fucking suit's too tight.

You, too, will grow into a great leader.

He didn't think so.

He challenged you, that is all.

Meet it.

It's too big.

Fucking thing.

Know anything about this lover the emperor has given Catherine?

What? Lover?

That is immoral and disgusting.

Poor child.

So you did not know?

It is not a gambit of some sort?

A spy on her?

The Emperor! Empress!

Thank you for the gift. Hmm. Did you try him yet?

It is very kind, but I do not need a lover.

I have you.

Our fucking is as dull as a beaver chomping at a log.

You need a lover. It will cheer you.

Grigor, how happy does it make me to fuck your wife?

It seems to be a constant source of joy.

And that is exactly what I wish for you.

Here they come. Shut up.

Give me some of your medals. What?

Give me some of your fucking medals.

Welcome home.

The Russian fighting man is the greatest in the world.

I have created a rosemary blini,

stuffed with chicken hearts,

representing those evil, blond Swedish fucks.

We will munch on their tasty hearts.

Huzzah! And then,

wash it down with a black, pepper vodka that my father loved,

as he loved you all.

Huzzah. To Peter the Great.

To me. Peter the...

Me!

Huzzah!

Gentlemen, while the Swedes tend their wounded for a day or two

before we crush them properly,

we will eat and drink, and celebrate our greatness.

- Huzzah. - Huzzah!

It went well, did you think, Grigor? It was a triumph.

If I might brief you on the military briefing, sir.

I am an instinctive military genius as my father before me.

I need no briefing.

Yes, indeed.

I have, um... come to understand that you've

gifted a lover to the empress, sir.

I would like to offer my services in this regard,

if this one does not work out and a replacement is required.

Grigor, did you...? I did.

That's rich, Velementov. Oh, bravo, sir.

- I, I feel, uh... - Can you imagine?

This warthog with his tiny cock

that spurts only vodka on top of the

You have cheered me, no end. Bravo.

Indeed. A remarkable jape from me.

Aunt Elizabeth.

Darling Catherine.

Look at that smile. Mm.

It's a lifesaver, isn't it?

Indeed.

Look at these fish.

I used to watch them, thinking them quite content.

Now I realize they've gone completely fucking mad.

Who's Ivan?

Who mentioned dear Ivan?

I overheard someone. I don't know who.

I am still new, and I'm rather slow to learn names.

But it did seem a somewhat thrilling mystery.

As you were.

I have the only key.

Ivan! Lizzy!

Cake!

Oh!

This is Catherine. The empress.

Lovely to meet you.

Do you like my pictures?

Marvelous.

Getting so big.

We must go now.

Is Peter coming to see me?

He's very busy. I won't stab him.

I haven't even hidden a knife anywhere.

Of course you haven't. You're far too sweet.

My mother?

Still abroad.

Catherine, come visit me again.

I will.

Fucking promise it!

Darling! Darling! Rude.

Sorry. I just want someone to play with.

Of course you do, darling.

I'll be back later.

He is a danger to us.

I suppose we should kill him,

but he is sort of family, and we are sentimental.

But now there is you, and soon an heir.

Thank you for showing me.

Oh, you are my family. I will show you everything.

Including how to find happiness here,

and you will bear us an heir and strengthen our line.

But you must also know where danger lies.

Oh.

If you see who was talking about him, you point them out to me.

Indeed.

Huzzah!

Gentlemen, let us begin.

The Swede First, a toast.

To our friend and leader,

the emperor's father, Peter the Great.

Huzzah!

I have a new one, in his honor.

Booya! Booya!

I also have the Swede's nose who scratched me, in a bag!

Booya! Booya!

To our brave Russian fighting men from my battalion,

who have won a battle on the field,

opening up a chance of victory!

No, if we

My battalion, outnumbered two to one,

ran these fuckers into a ravine,

and then we just waited above them for days,

till the fuckers went mad and shot themselves.

Can we start?

Indeed.

Focus up. The Swedes are here,

here, and here.

Now, I suggest Give me that.

When I started this war against Sweden, it was because...

Well, my father beat them, and I...

and the Swedes are fucking depraved animals, as is well known.

Blond, moose buggering, lingonberry gorging, humorless fucks,

with a seaport we would do well to have.

But then, instead of winning, you allow us to be pushed back,

so they are now in Russia itself.

It's a fucking mess, to summarize.

So I have a plan.

I say we...

come from here, through here,

split our forces in four, all at once,

probably at night, so they cannot see us.

Maybe we have horses,

although they are noisy, so maybe we just run there.

Then, at dawn, when they are breakfasting

with cock in one hand and brioche in other,

we attack and destroy them, winning the war in one morning.

Huzzah!

It's an interesting idea.

It is genius. Pick it apart if you can, you fat fuck.

Huh. Booya!

Well...

Sir, this is a river, 11 feet deep,

which you wish our men to cross.

Boats.

Carry boats?

Yes. May slow us down somewhat, sir,

making us susceptible to attack.

Also, this is an open plain.

It cannot be approached by stealth.

At night, wearing back.

Or green, if the grass is tall.

The emperor has given us much food for thought.

I will lay out my plan and incorporate

some of the emperor's fine thoughts.

Huzzah.

Huzzah!

Just sound it out.

Ti... gers?

Tigers...

Yes.

Like to eat... people.

Yes!

Thank you.

You could at least unwrap him before you send him back.

I have far more important things to do.

Being empress is wasted on you.

I met Ivan. Fuck.

Where? In the palace!

Locked away and heavily guarded.

So we need the military.

In fact, why not Velementov himself, the leader of the military?

He has a shine for me, I believe.

The drooling gives it away, I think.

We must tell Orlo. He must work on them, too.

Oh. Hello.

What did my husband say to you?

He said I was to make you happy,

said it was important to him.

- And that is all? - There was more.

He said if you showed any animation at all while we were doing it

emit a noise, stir a limb, puff a breath

he would give me a thousand rubles,

bronze my manhood and put it on display in a museum.

And what did you say to that?

I said I thought it would just be nice if Russia had a museum.

I see.

And why did he choose you?

You are friends, I assume?

I have met him twice, through my father.

The famous lover.

It is to undersell him. He was a fascinating man,

who loved women, music, wine,

and sitting a field watching starlings swirl at sunset with his son.

But the ladies' man seems to be what has stuck.

So, you are a professional lover also.

Do not laugh at me.

I will share the joke and then we will laugh together.

As I take it you do not desire a lover, I will let you in on my secret.

I have only had sex once,

with my drunk and very sweet,

very plump cousin who rather forced herself upon me.

It was not unpleasant, I suppose,

but I really had no idea what I was doing.

Your father did not educate you? Not really.

He was a big believer in discovery, and adventure,

and said he would not deprive me of either.

Do you aim to charm me?

I would like not to be killed, of course.

But I cannot guess what will charm you,

as I cannot really guess what will save me.

One must simply live and hope it goes well

and is fun while one does it.

Unless I should try to charm you.

Actually, I will try.

It'll be fun, albeit possibly fatal if it goes awry.

I know, a lover should, of course, bring a gift.

But you have not.

I have indeed.

You have made an error.

It is not a gift. It is a peach.

When you eat it, you should put it into your mouth,

bite it once, tip your head back,

and let the juice run into your throat.

I know how to eat a peach.

I will never underestimate you again.

Mmm!

Extraordinary!

The juice runs in and pools at the throat,

and then gushes down, like a waterfall of sweetness.

You may stay the night.

Sleep on the chaise.

Then in the morning, I shall go to Peter,

thank him for you, say you were pleasant.

You shall be safe, and we will be done.

Grand.

Come on!

- So he is gone? The spy? - Yes, I said I would.

Regardless, we must make some headway with the military.

Not lay it out proper, but begin preparing the ground.

Finally some action.

Is this the best time? Uh...

In vino veritas, Orlo.

Go forth.

Fuckers.

And who paints a river green? Hmm? Who does that?

Blue, they are fucking blue, traditionally.

Why don't we play some music?

I need a name, too.

Peter the...

- What can I be? - Uh...

Peter the Fun.

Peter the Masterful.

Uh, Peter the Terrible.

I want something inspiring, Arkady.

It is inspiring. It inspires fear.

And has a rich history, everyone loves the terribles.

Just fuck off, all of you.

I have my speech tomorrow.

Oh. Velementov?

I thought this was the library.

I'm completely lost in this palace.

Empress, it is an honor.

Perhaps it is fate. I have wanted to talk to you.

And I, you. Good God.

You're luminous,

luminous, with luminosity.

Why, thank you.

You remind me of my father. I'm, uh...

I'm younger, I'm sure, and, uh...

and in the prime of manhood.

Uh... drink?

He was a serious military man.

Uh... often frustrated by the leaders of the country.

Indeed. Then we are alike.

Exactly. A good military man is happy to spill men's blood

but not waste men's blood.

Have I read you wrong?

You are... vision.

Your skin is...

Are you weeping? A little, yes.

Your beauty hurts.

Right. I...

If we had a philosophy, a criteria for action,

I just wonder what a difference that would make.

Mm. I feel a kinship with you.

I do, too. Ooh!

Aah! Get off!

Empress, I will unprise my member.

Oh, God. You will get off me!

What is that... wet?

I pissed myself. Oh! Ugh!

Let me lie here a little and gather my energies,

before I unleash a storm of passion!

Fucker! Ooh!

Get... them... down!

Anton. How goes it?

Disastrously. How was the briefing?

Interesting, I heard.

The guy's a fucking idiot. Shh.

You are drunk.

Hahave you met the new empress?

I heard she's a bitch. No, no, no. Not at all.

She is one of a kind.

I, I will make an introduction.

Shall I dress you for bed or just oil you down?

How was your evening? Avoided rape.

You? Same.

If anyone ever invents something easier than buttons,

we are all in trouble.

You may go.

But if we put the pavilion near the river,

we can just laze and watch,

and then just fall off it, naked, into the cool water.

Poetry.

I was going to ask him

to let us go there next month for a few weeks.

He will not. We can ask.

Of course.

Hey.

You're up. Good.

Uh...

Are you all right? Of course.

Do you need to talk?

I'll just sleep.

Fuckers.

Ah, my dearest Grigor, there you are.

We did not wish to wake you.

Kindness itself.

You have a loose hair, actually.

Ow. Brutal.

Apologies, but it is a big day.

Yes it is. I feel good.

You're my dearest friends. Embrace me.

Grigor and I thought we might go to the country,

to our estate for a month.

Right. We have some building to check on.

And we'd love to bring you back the first quinces of the season.

Hmm? All right. Sure.

What are you writing?

Nothing. Just... a letter.

You must miss home.

Yes. I do.

Tea, sir.

Thank you, Vlad.

Is Vlad short for Vladimir or long for Vla?

Oh! Aah! Aahha.

Oh.

I'm so sorry. We cannot blame you for gravity, Vlad.

For...? Whwhat is...?

This is gravity, Vlad.

Everything comes down, Vlad.

Unseen forces at work.

What about a plate?

Gravity.

Or... a feather?

Oh, well, they fight a good fight.

But alas...

Vlad? Gravity.

Oh.

I shall go to breakfast and speak to Peter,

and then you may go.

Might I suggest we perform a small playlet, to aid your game?

A playlet? To convince him it went well.

I hate all the pretend at court. You must treat it as a foolish game.

The viewer is your quarry and when they're convinced,

you have won and have made a fool of them.

That's a victory for you.

It is... possibly helpful.

Hmm.

A giggle is good.

A giggle?

It is light and fun.

I am not six. I do not giggle.

I'll do it, then.

That is a preposterous sound.

Leo, sit in the hallway. I will see you shortly.

So he has made you happy, it seems?

Indeed.

So?

Thank you.

Leo?

You have made the empress happy.

Good job.

That's for fucking my wife. But well done. Bravo.

It is done, so he may go now.

What?

We spent a pleasant night,

and I thank you profusely for the gift.

So, he may go.

Oh, so he cannot have made you that happy if you want him to go.

A pleasant night?

What the fuck is a pleasant night? And now you wish him to go?

That is a fucking failure. Leo!

I am very disappointed in you, as would your father be.

So sorry, sir.

Stop! I did not know I could keep him.

What? I thought it was a gift, for a night.

I did not realize it could be ongoing.

Oh, it is marvelous to keep him.

Huzzah. I thank you, husband.

Right. Okay.

Do it well or I will cut your perfect cock off,

as it is a useless appendage if you cannot use it to bring joy.

Zeus! Come on.

Are you all right? Fine.

Oh. Thanks.

God, this is delicious.

So what is the rest of your day?

How can you be so sanguine?

Do you not wish to break his head open?

No, I wish to enjoy my breakfast, which is what I'm doing.

May I have some coffee, please?

He just beat you.

It was minutes ago.

You are baffling. Thank you for saving me, by the way.

You don't need to do that.

Truth is, he'll do as he wishes with me

hang me, flay me, or take me hunting and for a nice lunch.

One cannot let oneself live in fear of that.

He can kick me,

but I will not let him rob me of my enjoyment of this egg,

that coffee, or this day.

I will not let fear take my life from me.

I understand entirely.

Ladies' tea is about to begin.

You inexplicably wanted to go?

Indeed, I do. And you shall join me.

Oh, I'd rather not. And I'd rather so.

Leo, you should probably come.

Be near, in case he wonders why you're not with me.

Mm.

Lady Svenska.

Uh How wonderful you look!

I

You will see she has a love for Russia

and a fresh mind that inspires.

All right. Antonia!

My darling, what has happened?

That fucking bitch empress has happened.

Rash, my dear.

Exceptional, but rash.

Well, I have never enjoyed a ladies' tea party more.

Thank you.

We can't talk.

We can. Aah!

It is fine.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I thought you were getting rid of him!

We cannot trust him.

I tried. Peter will kill him.

And if he is a spy, Peter will kill us.

You would have me let him die?

We are trying to end meaningless bloodshed in Russia.

If it is him or us, yes.

I mean, that is the sort of decisionmaking

you are going to have to make if we are to do this. Machiavelli.

I told you, I disagree with that translation.

I don't think he's a spy. He's too goodlooking.

Well, you'll forgive me, you and your family's political instincts

are not something I am in awe of.

Fuck you, you virgin coward prick!

Enough! Marial.

I Colonel Svenska could have been an ally,

but now we have lost him and half the ladies.

It was worth it. I agree.

You know, some attention to thinking two steps ahead, rather than one,

- would be advantageous. - I did.

I ascertained a dress fabric for the event,

and had the entire room redone in that, Orlo. That is two steps.

I do not understand this recklessness in you.

It is called courage, Orlo. You will gather it as we go.

Orlo!

How is it?

Being empress?

No one has ever asked me that.

It is...

complex.

May I speak freely? I suppose.

I shall entitle it, "My Impressions of the Empress."

You do not like Peter.

You do not like it here.

You have a sadness in you, and worst of all,

you do not seem to know how to have fun.

Fun is not on the table.

He mentioned the country again.

Peter may come for some of it.

Does that mean all of it?

Did you see what the empress did to Antonia?

It is a level of bitch one seldom encounters, kind of brilliant.

I thought it was funny. Well, I do not.

And feel free to suck your own cock for the rest of the month, Arkady.

She needs to be taught a lesson.

Perhaps Antonia needs to learn a lesson. She is not empress.

We had open hearts.

They are shut tight. She will learn that.

Pretend, pretend, pretend.

You did not need to do that to Leo.

I suppose not. Is he coughing up blood?

No. Then he's fine.

Coughing blood is generally the problem sign.

Are you all right?

Mmhmm.

Nervous about making the speech?

No. Yes.

Fuck.

Is he all these things?

Or perhaps not, and that is why you are nervous.

He was all these things. He was...

extraordinary.

What is the problem then?

When I speak of him, which I do not,

because when I do, tears.

It is unmanly and fucked in front of these booyas.

You miss him.

Emperor?

There is no shame in that.

No, it will not look There is a saying.

"What comes from the heart, goes to the heart."

He was loved, and you showing that is a fine thing.

I may not cry. Indeed.

For a I am chap with iron will and control.

He was a man of action, a man of the people,

loved, revered,

victorious in battle.

He once sat and helped me make a lion from rubles.

- But fierce, he... - Fucking baby.

I heard that.

Whoever it was, step forward.

Mantoman, let us fight.

No recriminations, no reprisals.

On my father's honor, two men

and their fists, as he would have it.

It would be an honor.

Strategy. Strategy, you dumb fucks!

Your mindless, booya bravery will not win it for us.

I am Peter the Great's son. I know how to win.

We will go with my military plan. Ford the river,

cut their hearts out at breakfast. Yes?

Yes?

Huzzah.

Now where was I?

My father. I commemorate this statue in his honor. Huzzah.

Let's make Russia great and victorious over those evil blond Swedish fucks.

Huzzah!

I believe there is a party. Let's enjoy.

How marvelous it was when you stabbed holes in that man.

You were right for me to be true to my heart.

There is now love and fear for me from all.

I was perhaps rough on Leo today.

When you kicked him over and over?

Yes. That is to what I refer.

Well, it just shows how much you care about my happiness.

Indeed. If you do not want him, you may choose your own lover.

Velementov has offered his services. Very not funny.

Imagine it. I'd rather not.

Seriously, take a moment.

I imagined him putting it in your ass as you leant on a desk,

then his weight collapsing the desk and crushing you under him.

What was yours?

Him pissing on me as he tried to mount me.

Brilliantly imaginative, though mine was better.

If you do not want Leo, choose someone else yourself,

and I will approve or disapprove.

And Leo? Oh. He may go back to his estate.

Oh. So he is free to leave?

Yes, of course. Right.

He can fuck off or stay at court. I do not care,

as long as you are happy and not a miserable, scowling cunt.

Which you are not. That is just a colorful example of what I do not want.

Of course. I shall tell him.

No. Let me. Mm.

And you are happy and grateful for my efforts towards your happiness?

All is bliss in the court of Peter.

It is indeed. Huzzah! Huzzah!

I must play. I'm a brilliant violinist.

Give me that. Fuck off.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Peter has not released you.

I'm sure you tried. I did.

So we must continue the charade.

Strangely not disappointed.

Obviously, we are free to do as we wish with this arrangement.

For example,

you are free to kiss me back,

but also free not to.

To kiss you back, you would have to

Oh!

Hmm, hmm.

We need help.

You can probably take it from here?

Thank you, Marial.

What are What are you.

It's very good.

Uh, the, the bit about being able to live without pretense

will resonate deep.

Leo stays. He is my lover.

He will never know of our plans though.

I promise you that.

What What are you doing?

My blood oath.

I mean, you... you like to live dangerously.

I just like to live.

And I would like everyone to have that opportunity.

Danger is part of this.

You will have to grasp that.

I have avoided it assiduously my whole life.

We cannot.

Did your heart not beat like a drum

when you thought you had landed Colonel Svenska?

Now, you need to cut your hand.

I really don't want to do that. I know.

There will be no need for clothes this morning.

- Marial? - Buttons?

Buttons.