Original subtitles

Previously, on "SUREALESTATE"...

We stole her from Livingston‐Kent.

Bob Livingston fired me.

I pushed him back into the arms of his wife.

You should have pushed him into a woodchipper.

She spent eight years straight in the Platinum Ring of Esteem.

What's the Platinum Ring of Esteem?

It's just this club for people who do ten million dollars

in volume over a 12‐month period.

The world always assumes that people who investigate heresies

must be heretics.

I would remind you of the Travis house.

Those things, they can hurt you.

They are dangerous.

Post‐mortem in five, kids.

What exactly was that thing?

We call it a Roadie.

We're going to cover it all in the wrap‐up.

Those poor people.

Nearly killed each other.

Speaking of near‐death experiences,

tomorrow night is the big night.

Platinum Ring of Esteem annual banquet.

Prom with business cards.

We mock what we do not understand.

Seriously, though.

Lifetime Achievement Award at your tender age.

Some of us choose to measure our lives in closings

rather than years.

Look, sorry, Anthony. Um...

No, that's great.

Yes, no, thank you for cleaning the house.

I'm sure the adoption agency people

are going to be very impressed.

Ah, just one more quick meeting and then I'll be home.

I'll heat it up.

God, Anthony, it's a meatloaf, not a donor organ.

It'll keep.

Yes, okay.

I love you. I gotta go. Bye.

All right, how long is this thing going to take?

It shouldn't be too long.

Remarkable resilience for a Roadie.

I've never seen one with such...

Violent tendencies.

Okay...

Let's wrap this up; get into the weekend. ‐

Oh! You've got two new calls from that reporter ‐‐

Maria something?

Uh, channel seven.

Yeah, she's been bugging the cops, too.

Where is Susan?

God, can we please start without her?

I've got places to be.

Sorry, I was just packing up a little homework for the weekend.

Martyr.

Can we do this please? Phil?

Okay...

We worked the Jackson house for two weeks.

Mid‐level engagement associated with an old fella

who died in the upstairs bedroom 20 years ago

but never got the memo.

Luke helped him move on but, in doing so,

revealed our next contestant.

Basically a class‐three shapeshifting demon

that bounces from person to person looking for a home.

They are attracted to our type of houses.

They feed on the spiritual turbulence.

Heavier the engagement, tastier the meal.

Basically, it looks for bad places to live

and makes them worse.

What do they look like?

See, that's the thing about Roadies...

they have no corporeal mass of their own‐‐

only the host they occupy at any given moment.

So, you've seen these things before?

Only twice.

Fortunately, that was enough for our man, August,

to figure out how modify the M. E. D. to take it apart nicely.

And that is what saved our bacon tonight.

Yeah!

To be prepared is half the victory.

Cervantes.

Man, those Roadies played rough.

You saw what those Jackson kids did to their parents.

Yeah. But that's not the worst of it.

Mm‐mm. If they manage to stay in the host long enough,

they can take over.

Take over... how?

You know those stories you hear about the nice, responsible

insurance guy with a nice yard who goes crazy one day

and kills his entire family with an axe?

My god.

Doesn't always go that way, but often enough to, you know‐‐

Ooh. That's not a happy sound.

That is the breach alarm.

Zooey,

lock down the elevators and the stairwell, please.

Talk to me, Augie.

Checking now.

What? Is there a fire?

I wish.

I think something followed us home.

Opening score...

Bear in mind that this

merely indicates presence, not location.

Now, how did it survive that blast from the M. E. D.?

It didn't.

It was gone.

Ontologically disassembled.

And yet here it is.

I killed it.

It's dead.

So, I talked to the building sup.

He's shutting down the elevators at the ninth floor

and securing the stairwell.

We have to walk down ten flights of stairs to get out?

Do you want to tell her or can I?

Until we manage to wipe this thing out properly,

we can't take a chance on letting it out.

Lockdown, baby.

You're kidding?

He's kidding, right?

Nope.

So, we're stuck here?

For how long?

Well, hopefully not for long but you saw how that thing

hopped from person to person.

We can't risk it getting out of here.

Can it pass through walls and doors?

Were you not paying attention?

It doesn't have a body except for the host.

It's a Roadie; never travels alone,

only with the band.

So, how did it get up here?

It found a host.

♪ Suspenseful music ♪

Oh, come on!

The truth is we don't know.

This thing can sit dormant in a person for...

Phil, help me out here.

Latency seems to be uncomfortable for Roadies.

They...

They like to move around, like a virus.

It infects different people and takes control

after varying periods of dormancy and the host

never knows until...

he wakes up holding the axe.

It was around eight P. M. When we last saw this thing‐‐

when August thought that he killed it.

Oh, August killed it, all right.

Your tech says otherwise.

Then there was more than one.

A Mary‐Kate and Ashley?

Uh...

I guess it's possible.

Okay.

We stay here for now.

We keep an eye on each other and we see what pops up.

For how long?

Until we find it and August smokes it for real.

Phil, do your thing. See what else you can find out‐‐

And you might want to look at your own device.

We are on the buddy system.

Susan, you and I can talk about the Menendez proposal

in my office.

You guys stick together.

Eyes on each other all the time.

You've got somebody to feed Schrodinger?

Yes, I‐‐I'll call my neighbor.

I gotta call Anthony. He's gonna freak out.

Yeah, I got people I gotta call, too.

Why don't you go ahead and get us some food while you're at it.

Okay, what sounds good?

Mm... a morphine drip?

How's Chinese food?

Is that okay with everybody?

Chinese.

Great. And get the usual.

In the meantime...

Let's all keep our eyes on each other.

Susan?

Hello?

No, it's just one of those work things, Megan.

It could be late.

Certainly no longer than absolutely necessary.

Okay, bye.

Just how long are we going to be stuck here?

It's hard to say.

I don't have to tell you that I am accepting a major award

in less than 24 hours

and there are certain acts of... personal maintenance

that need to take place between now and then.

You look great. You always look great.

To the untrained eye.

In my own mind, I'm the chick in the tub in room 237

of the Overlook Hotel.

Look, you are just being too hard on yourself.

But it is my night, Luke.

It's my one night!

I'll never win an Oscar, or a Stanley Cup

and the Nobel Prize committee has an obvious

anti‐real estate bias.

Are you really going to deny me exfoliation

on my very special day?

Are you that cruel?

I am not denying you anything.

But if this thing is inside of you,

you don't want it popping out in the middle of your

acceptance speech and do some kind of Roadie Rumspringa.

It's going to do nothing for your personal brand.

Now, do you want to talk Menendez or not?

♪ Gentle music ♪

Yes.

I don't know, Jeffrey! It's part of my job.

Well, maybe if you ever had a job, you'd understand.

I thought you'd understand, but I guess not.

You're stressed out?

Anthony, how do you think I feel?

Quite honestly, the longer I stand here talking to you,

...the longer cat food soaks in the warm water,

the better she likes it.

No, I'm all out of the canned food she prefers.

I didn't get to the, uh...

♪ Ominous music ♪

To the, uh...

store.

I'm afraid we'll all have to struggle through this together.

Boy, it's a crowded field.

Okay...

The Slavs call it a Leshy.

The Japanese have a shape‐shifting trickster fox

called a Kitsune.

For the Algonquins, a Wendigo.

When it possessed somebody,

it developed a violent compulsion

to feast on human flesh.

Hn! Who's hungry?

I had no idea you could break them down by income.

Used to be you couldn't.

But I developed this algorithm

that scrapes the property tax database

and extrapolates household income

on a separate tab.

Whew. It's fantastic.

- Mm‐hm. - Is it legal?

Susan Ireland: real estate renegade.

Dinner's downstairs.

Why is it downstairs? He usually brings it upstairs.

Ah, 'cause he can usually use the elevator.

So where is our dinner?

Down at the security desk.

Larry is probably sniffing your Crab Rangoon as we speak.

Larry the, uh...

Larry the security guard.

You know ‐the one who looks at Susan the way

Kanye looks at Kanye.

♪ Mischievous music ♪

Yeah. Just do the voice.

Larry!

Hey, you!

What are these?

The Jacksons had 'em up on the fridge.

Think the youngest kid drew 'em when he was chock full o' demon.

What do they mean?

Swirls, chaos...

Two parents, one sibling...

Who knows?

We should probably take turns

getting some sleep.

Two of us need to be awake at all times.

Well, I need a tool from my workshop.

Who would like to accompany me to witness

any horrid transformations that might take place?

Oh, I'd buy a ticket for that.

♪ Gentle music ♪

It's like

Marie Curie/ Edgar Allen Poe

gave birth to Steve Jobs and we're

looking inside of its brain.

I've been meaning to tidy up

but there always seems to be some more compelling need.

Ooh!

Sweet Virgin Airlines! What is that?

It was living in the furnace of a mid‐century bungalow

some years ago.

It, uh, obstructed the ventilation.

Made it impossible to pass the buyers' pre‐closing inspection.

- Can't have that. - Plus...

it ate their cat.

Uh, I don't even understand most of this shit.

It must be difficult to focus when you're always

busy trying to formulate your next ironic remark.

Rather lazy intellectually, though.

Excuse me?

Uh, I need to take this.

Oh, I know you do.

What is your problem?

You're strong.

Makes me sad to see you act so needy.

Needy?

You think I'm needy?

I‐I'm gonna take this and when I get back, you and me,

we're going to have a little chat.

What is it, Jeffrey?

Why, what did she say?

So, this one version of the Roadie

supposedly manifests in a large

red, bird‐shaped rash

on the infected person's left buttock.

What exactly am I supposed to do with that information?

Hm.

Oh, God.

Trouble at home?

I told you Anthony and I are trying to adopt?

Well, the people are coming over tomorrow morning.

Anthony's freaking out.

They're gonna love you.

I hope so.

You can trust me on two subjects...

adjustable‐rate mortgages and screwed‐up families.

You and Anthony will be the best dads ever.

I wish you would adopt me!

We could never afford the wardrobe.

I cannot believe you are breaking up with me

over the phone right now!

At least it's not a text.

Can you hold that whiny rationalization

for a hot second?

Augie?

We're su‐supposed to be...

You okay?

Oh, it was just that stupid dream

where you're doing a closing

and Justin Timberlake's the buyer

and just as he's about to sign the HUD‐One statement,

he looks straight into your eyes and starts singing

"I'm Lovin' It" and then his pen

turns into this big snake.

Oh, come on. You've never had that dream?

Where's Zooey and, uh...

August?

Luke...

I'm‐‐

afraid we have a problem.

I was certain I'd blasted that thing to smithereens.

I still believe...

Where's Zooey?

I don't know.

I sat down at my workbench,

trying to figure out how to integrate the...

chopping mechanism into an M. E. D.

The next thing I knew, my‐‐

My arms felt like they were out of joint and‐‐

Zooey was nowhere to be found.

We are on lockdown.

She is in this office.

We'll find Zooey.

And we somehow need to find the blades to a

Karnaj model number 6800

FYB food processor.

There's plenty of time for that.

No!

The demon focused on those particular blades.

It took a file and dulled them

Destroyed them!

If it made that effort,

there is something there.

Okay.

You guys look for Zooey.

And you keep an eye on each other.

Luke,

what if I did to her what those...

boys did to‐‐?

I can't.

Hey. It's me.

You know that 24‐hour Sav‐Mor on Brighton?

Yeah, the one across from the park.

Do you know if they have any high‐end small appliances?

Elevators are still locked down.

Stairway door shows locked.

Zooey!

I mean, it's a small office.

Come on, Zooey, quit screwing around!

Anything?

Let's check his workshop.

Augie.

- Any luck? - No.

I've been texting her. Nothing.

Not Zooey's style to run away.

Maybe Zooey wasn't driving.

I need to find her.

You stay where you are.

Luke, we need to talk to you.

Outside.

You can speak in front of me.

We looked in your workshop.

The M. E. D is dismantled.

I told you, the Roadie filed down the blades.

And what did you do to Zooey?

Mm, guys, chill out.

- Zooey! - Where the hell were you?

- I was in the hallway. - And before that?

Um...

I was...

Ooh.

I was, um...

Talking on the phone with Jeffrey and...

I think he broke up with me.

On the phone?

Classy.

Um, I think you're automatically disqualified

from commenting on awkward breakups.

Anyway, I was talking on the phone with Jeffrey

and then I was...

outside the conference room.

Let me see your eyes.

- It's too bright in here. - I know.

It's a text from my mom.

"Turn on the TV, local news, channel seven."

...where an unidentified couple

are in critical condition tonight,

their two pre‐teen sons in the care of social services

following a confrontation that occurred earlier this evening.

Details are sketchy, but early reports say that

one or both sons are responsible for their parents' injuries.

However, Spotlight Seven has discovered a strange link

between tonight's incident and a tragedy

that occurred under a year ago.

Questions still linger about the explosion

that caused the death of the Travis family...

Oh, dear.

...but we've discovered

that both the Travises

and the unidentified victims of tonight's incident

were clients of the same shadowy real estate firm.

Um, we are so not shadowy.

We're a little shadowy.

...and the police will not comment

on the details of tonight's incident

or the Travis explosion.

But does this seeming coincidence

raise some troubling questions

for other clients of the mysterious firm?

Reporting live, I'm Mari‐‐

We're so screwed.

No!

Nice to see you, too.

How'd you get in here?

The security guy brought me up.

He has a key.

The security guy has a key?

Yeah, I think they gave it to him roughly around the same time

they started calling him "the security guy."

- What's going on here? - It's a long story.

The punch line is you're gonna be stuck in here

with us for a while. I'll explain in a minute.

Is that the food processor?

Uh, the last one in stock!

Plus I had a coupon for ten percent off.

Model number 6800‐FYB.

Brilliant.

Thank you.

I, uh, hope the color's okay.

Lovely.

Are you going to give it to somebody?

I'm certainly going to try.

♪ Mysterious music ♪

So, if that machine didn't work the first time,

what makes you think it's going to work now?

First, I maintain that it did work.

Second, on the remote possibility that I am wrong,

I am significantly increasing the speed,

efficiency

and lethality of the device.

So...

we never did deconstruct that "needy" remark.

Well, perhaps I was commenting on your apparent need

to be with a certain...

type.

Okay, I do not have a type.

I‐Jeffrey was nothing like A. J. who was nothing ‐‐

nothing like Chris.

I stand corrected.

I mean, none of them had, like, careers to speak of but,

once again, that's not a type.

A.J. was studying to become a bartender.

Took the exam, like, three times.

Always tripped up on the mojito.

So, I came up with this secret phrase,

it's like a memory aid for him to remember the ingredients ‐‐

rum, lime, mint, club soda, sugar, ice...

Real Life Murders, Crime Scene Investigators.

That's so simple, right?

Mmm... Not for A. J.

And Chris?

Chris wrote poetry.

Used to go on these huge rants

about how social media was commoditizing free verse.

"If everything's a poem, nothing's a poem."

So, I suggested that maybe she was better suited for something

like construction.

And let's just say that ended badly.

And Jeffrey...

Jeffrey does stand‐up.

Not very funny.

Not intentionally, at least.

Would you, uh, mind handing me that small Allen wrench?

All I'm saying is that you seem to need...

projects rather than people.

That's a terrible thing to say.

You should be with someone...

wonderful.

But such people are available fully assembled.

You needn't keep acquiring them

in kit form.

I'm not needy.

You're needy.

I can't believe it.

What?

That I believe it.

More things than heaven and earth, Horatio.

I'm a science girl, Luke.

This haunted house demon stuff is really a leap for me.

The Travis thing, that really bothers you.

So, what really happened?

I got sloppy.

Complacent.

Naive.

I was so eager to believe that everything would be all right

that I ignored that voice in my ear.

It's just, I'm‐‐

You already know this...

I have this kind of connection to these things all my life.

I don't just see them, I can feel them.

And I can talk to them.

And I can hear them talk to me, if I listen.

Sometimes people around me,

they can see them.

They can talk to them

just because I'm there.

So, then, what happened at the Travis house?

I didn't listen close enough.

What a waste.

Excuse me?

God, look at you.

You're so smart.

Fairly well‐adjusted, all things considered.

Objectively attractive.

But you are just like these houses we're trying to sell.

Damaged.

Horribly damaged.

Susan!

Oh, come on!

You go from that Brock guy to Luke here?

You are the luckiest woman on the planet.

You should be buying lotto tickets.

What?

You guys okay?

Well, Roadies seldom occupy the same individual twice.

August, Zooey, is the Roadie inside either of you?

- What? - Just answer the question.

No.

- How about you? - No.

- Megan? - Of course not.

Susan?

Come on, it's not going to just tell you.

It's this old Nordic legend I found‐‐

a demon called a Tregastar.

When this thing takes you over,

you say

what you feel

and you cannot lie.

Were you always this dorky?

Or was that something that happened

when you and God broke up?

Susan, is it inside you?!

Ah! Oh!

The house! You live in the house!

Screw this.

The wonderful house.

Ah!

Get off!

Get her off of me!

Oh, my god!

Where is it, Augie? Did we get it?

It rests in pieces.

Put it up on the scope and make sure.

We got five green. We're all good.

Nice work.

Ow!

Yeah, there's gonna be some residual stiffness.

After having that thing bounce around inside you a while.

No... kidding. This must be what it feels like to be 30.

Ohh.

I seriously need to sleep for, like, two days.

Okay, I gotta get outta here.

Zooey, call down and have them unlock the elevator.

Oh, yeah. Um...

One thing.

So, just before we all group hug and go home,

can we just acknowledge that

some of us...

said some really hurtful shit tonight and meant it?

We've been in each other's faces all night and you‐‐

probably had enough of me.

Last thing you all need to do is

go to some stupid banquet tomorrow.

It's tonight.

Sorry.

♪ Thumping party music ♪

Is that her mother?

It's got to be her mother.

None of the others had the guts to show their faces.

I think that's best.

But, Bob, seriously,

who brings their mother to one of these things?

Leo DiCaprio brought his mom to the Oscars.

Leonardo DiCaprio was king of the world.

Susan Ireland is, basically, Daphne in Scooby Doo.

Well, they did give our industry

a huge slap in the face.

Can we just... not hand out the award?

Not an option.

Well, perhaps I can talk to her.

We used to be, uh...

- Colleagues. - Mmm.

And what are you going to say?

I'll ask her to keep it brief and tasteful.

She'll listen to me.

I'm a bit of a mentor.

Mm.

Mentor.

Oh, go easy, honey. Remember, you're speaking soon.

I'm targeting that fine line that separates relaxed and witty

from actually opening with a dick joke.

I hope you hit it.

Susan,

you look radiant.

A vision.

How are you, Bob?

Fantastic!

And this must be your sister?

My mom, Constance.

Mom, Bob Livingston.

He's the guy who stepped out of the left‐hand tub

in that boner pill commercial.

So much for that fine line.

What a magical evening.

Susan, could I borrow you for half a shake?

Yep.

Great.

A pleasure to meet you, Constance.

Die in a fire, Bob.

How you doin'?

You know, we were all very surprised

when you took the job with Roman.

It's so...

Off‐brand.

Running around with that bunch of misfits.

You're too good for this.

You fired me, Bob.

I obviously wasn't too good for that.

Yeah, well that was because of my wife and she insisted.

Oh, yeah, how is Twyla? I saw her in here earlier,

checking that big fur coat made from Dalmatian puppies.

I was hoping we could keep this civil.

Look, I'm just here as a friend to ask you to keep your comments

brief and tasteful.

And not to reference your current employer or his,

you know, band of weirdos.

It's my agency.

And those are my friends.

Oh.

Yeah?

Why aren't they here?

To support you.

I'm here, as a friend,

asking you to please,

please don't embarrass yourself.

And the rest of us.

And Susan...

Congrats!

Are you okay?

Good evening!

Everyone, please return to your seats.

Good evening

and welcome to the awards portion of our program.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please join me in‐‐

♪ Funky music ♪

God.

Sorry we're late.

You were right about the personal maintenance.

Yeah.

As I was saying, please join me...

- Hey. - Hey.

...in welcoming the new eight‐time laureate

of the Platinum Ring of Esteem

and the recipient of our special award

for lifetime achievement in the real estate arts

and sciences...

Susan Ireland!

Have none of these people seen the movie "Carrie"?

Thank you.

There are many people I want to acknowledge.

My mom, who is here.

My dad, who isn't,

although I kinda feel like he is.

I hope he'd have made time for it.

My current colleagues:

Luke, Phil, August and Zooey,

who gave me a work‐home.

My former colleagues,

who made me realize I deserved one.

Hope they're wearing their asbestos underwear.

But I want to thank all of you, too,

for believing in...

something.

Anything.

Some of you believe in me, and for that I am

more grateful than you could know.

♪ Emotional music ♪

Some of you believe in other things.

Odd things,

amazing things, beyond imagination.

You've opened my mind

and that's never a bad thing.

But, most of all, I want to thank you ‐‐

all of you, everyone in this room,

for believing in this business.

Our business.

The good we do,

helping people move on and find their way home.

Thank you.

- Oh! - Ah!

The adoption police loved us. They weren't mean at all.

They just wanted to check us out.

You know, get our views on education and nutrition.

Running with scissors.

So, what's next?

Well, there's still a lot of flaming hoops to jump through,

but so far so good.

What's wrong?

There's just something about last night.

Can't put my finger on it.

Hm.

You were great.

Hey. Thank you for coming.

That was a fine speech.

What you said about belief, believing...

Very true.

Mm‐hm.

But the truth isn't always welcome, is it?

♪ Thumping music from Zooey's car ♪

It often comes with a cost.

Get in, Mister Needy.

I think I shall be paying for it for a while.

Hm.

Hey, Susan!

You were pretty badass tonight.

You really didn't have to come.

Yeah, we really did.

What are we gonna do?

That news story's gonna kill us.

We'll figure it out.

I just...

I always try so hard to be positive.

To make people feel good and like me.

But I don't always say everything I'm thinking.

I mean, who does?

But, Susan,

on your worst day,

I like you a lot.

Still think she's lucky.

Thank you.

Hey! So, where to now?

Wanna grab a bite?

I want to go home.

You want to go to my place?

Mine.

My place.

I don't‐‐

Why do you want to go there? I mean, we agreed...

I didn't‐‐

Did you call an Uber?

Megan?

Megan, what's going on?

How are we tonight?

We are wonderful.

Now take us home.

Closing credit theme ...