Original subtitles

Get a grip, girl.

Hello?

Um, hi.

I'm Luke Roman.

Sorry to drop by so late. I'm here about the house.

Historic six-bedroom, four-and-a-half bath,

multi-level hardwood floors. Lots of custom woodwork.

The house wants to kill me!

Seller motivated.

It's not you, Miss Donovan.

It's the house. I can help you.

Who are you?

Are you a priest?

No, ma'am.

I'm the real estate guy.

By M_I_S www.opensubtitles.org

- I called my fiancé. - He's coming to pick me up.

Maybe that should be a decaf.

I may never sleep again.

What's wrong with the house, Mr. Roman?

It's Luke, please, and it's sort of

difficult to explain,

so I have this Keynote presentation here

that sort of lays it out.

Oh.

SMEP?

Oh, you have no idea how many euphemisms we focus-grouped

before we hit on "metaphysically-engaged."

I don't get it.

Well, we were hoping to spell out something cool like SPECTRE,

but oh, well.

No, what is a "metaphysically...?"

Could have been worse. We were dangerously close to SMEGMA.

You're talking about haunted houses?

Well, focus groups, they slaughtered that one.

But here is a term they loved.

A "stigmatized property"

is one whose market value has been affected by

unfortunate occurrences.

Tragic events associated with the property,

including, but not limited to, murder

suicide

Even accidental death.

Or the perception, real or imagined,

of any residual unpleasantness

related to said unfortunate occurrences.

Residual unpleasantness?

This next slide is a little scary.

- Can you take it? - Eh.

A stigmatized property could lose up to 35%

of its market value. It could take up to 317% longer to sell.

Because of a ghost?

Did I mention ghost? Do you see the "g" word?

- No, many stigmatized properties. - - they're totally normal.

But even the perception of creepiness, it just kills them.

And even when phenomena are present,

most of the time there's a totally rational explanation.

Weird reflections. Noisy pipes. Mice.

A downdraft that can make a fireplace...

Reach out to grab you

and suck you screaming feet-first into hell?

Occasionally irrational explanations are required.

I had been looking at autopsy photos all day.

I'm a med student.

I wasn't judging.

So, that, plus two glasses of chardonnay and...

Suddenly you are a hysterical, helpless woman

scared of the thunderboomers?

There was something there.

- See, I believe that. - But do you?

So, you're a...

Ghost chaser.

Miss Donovan. Megan? Megan.

I'm about one thing: Preserving homeowner equity.

Protecting the God-given, market-driven value

of your property from anything in this world,

or the next.

I don't believe in ghosts.

Neither do I.

I just work with them.

Megan!

Oh, that's Brock.

I'm sorry. He does that.

It's okay.

He missed me.

- Okay? - Yeah.

We can talk about the house. I'll, uh...

Oh, I'll call you tomorrow.

And thank you. Really.

So much. Huh.

The client is Donovan, Megan.

She inherited the place from her grandfather.

Boyfriend lives with her. A lawyer.

You know the drill. Complete psychokinetic triage,

malevolent entity evaluation.

Try not to totally spook her out, okay?

The conscience of the world

is so guilty that it always assumes

that people who investigate heresies must be heretics.

Aleister Crowley.

Way to not spook her out, Augie.

Can we talk about the Lenore's place?

Did we get the M.E. results?

Mm-hm. Clean.

There was stuff flying out of drawers. Mirrors cracking.

Plates breaking. The M.E. came back clean?

Squeaky.

Well, the referring agent is certain there is a poltergeist.

Who's the referring agent?

Rita Weiss.

Ooh. Mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm.

So, I have to call Rita Weiss and tell her we came up empty?

- Make the new girl do it.

Susan! Your ears must be burning!

Everybody, this is Susan Ireland, our new agent.

We stole her from Livingston-Kent

where she spent eight years straight

in the Platinum Ring of Esteem.

I'm so excited to be here.

What's the Platinum Ring of Esteem?

It's just this club for people who do ten million dollars

in volume over a twelve-month period.

So it's not an actual piece of jewelry.

No.

This is Father Phil. He does our title work, research,

- background checks, due diligence. - - that sort of thing.

Father... Phil?

- Fallen priest. Hi. - Ah!

And this is August Ripley.

August designs, builds and maintains

some of our proprietary technology.

You're the I. T. Guy?

To find joy in work is to discover

the fountain of youth.

Pearl S. Buck.

And you met Zooey, our office manager.

Aye.

She knows where all of the bodies are buried.

So to speak.

No. Seriously, I know things that could make.

Why don't you wait to take Susan to your dark,

nihilistic places until after

she's filled out her W-4, shall we?

Ready to work?

I'm psyched!

Susan, I have to take this, but why don't we

circle back to my office?

Ms. Donovan! We were just talking about you.

Ms. Donovan... Megan...

I really feel like you're making a mistake here

and a potentially dangerous...

Yes.

I'm sure your fiancé is skeptical.

And I realize things look very different

in the light of day.

The light of day can fool you.

So...

We heard about that fire you guys had at Livingston-Kent.

Is, uh... everyone all right?

Ah, yeah. Everyone's super!

It was a very small fire.

Hm.

Has Luke explained the, um

the niche of the market that we serve?

Oh, I did my due diligence.

I know you people are specialists.

You close the houses no one else can.

The problem houses. And you usually get

your asking price or better. The numbers don't lie.

And your boss, Luke, is kind of a mysterious figure

in the business. But

real estate should have some mystery, some romance.

Don't you think?

- Mm-hm. - Uh, yeah.

Mm-hm.

That's why I'm here.

My personal mission statement is,

"I want to make a difference in the world,

one house at a time."

Thank you, Miss Nebraska.

It's...

That was our client on the phone.

Oh!

- She fired us. - Oh.

It happens a lot.

Oh?

They almost always come back.

Oh.

So, we'll proceed as if we're still hired

and see how things go.

You met everyone.

What an... eclectic team.

August and Phil are really great at what they do.

It's just they're not great with clients. Okay? But you are.

I am a people person!

- You are a people person! - And we serve a lot of people,

all over the world. No one really does what we do.

Sounds exciting.

Can be.

What, exactly, do we do?

I have this brief Keynote presentation here.

Sort of lays it out.

Super!

SMEP?

In Stambovsky versus Ackley, the Supreme Court of New York,

Appellate Division, ruled that haunted houses are real

insofar as the reputation of the house

being haunted impacts its value.

Some agencies, they help their clients

sell their houses by reducing clutter,

or by putting drops of vanilla extract

on hot light bulbs for that fresh-baked cookie smell.

We help them by stopping the walls from bleeding.

For these people, it's not just their houses,

you know, it's their lives.

Their lives have become a Stephen King short story.

And they need someone nice and smart to talk to.

Someone who wants to make a difference.

One house at a time.

Look, if you change your mind about the job,

you know, it's okay.

I'm sure Bob Livingston will take you back.

Bob Livingston fired me.

We had a thing.

It was unprofessional and wrong on both of our parts.

And how long were your parts

together?

A year. I knew it was wrong.

But it got complicated.

He promised to leave his wife.

He said we'd be partners.

Two weeks ago, he renewed his vows in Trinidad and Tobago.

When he got back, he fired me.

Look at me.

I'm 34.

I'm not in a relationship.

I am locked into an above-prime mortgage rate!

And now I'm Winston Zeddemore from Ghostbusters.

So, this place has us stumped.

The phenomena says poltergeist, but our tests say no.

Still, nothing like a rotisserie chicken floating two feet

off the counter to scare off the looky-loos.

- Rita Weiss? - This got scary fast.

Hi. Is your mom or dad here?

You're the ghost guy.

I'm the real estate guy.

You are a delusional,

oily ballsack wrapped in Armani.

- Nice, Rita. - In front of the kid.

- I'm not a kid. Just... - get rid of this thing.

It's embarrassing and impacting me socially.

Rita, you know Susan.

We've met.

Well, Susan just joined our team.

Brave choice.

So, where's Pope Penis the Twelfth

and Frankenstein's butt-double?

Excuse me.

Can't seem to find any original documents on this house.

Gotta be in the file.

It's not.

This place is at least 100 years old

and there's nothing on it prior to 1987.

That's weird.

Mm-hm.

Didn't just grow up out of the ground, did it?

Nice turnout for a weekday.

If it is a poltergeist, they're generally benign

so I doubt you're in any danger.

What happened here?

We were all in here together, it was game night,

and a glass came up off the table

and smashed into the picture.

See? Classic poltergeist.

Tests came back negative.

Any cold spots in the house?

Apparitions? Unusual noises?

None of that. - Well, we did a

preliminary investigation of the filing

of this subdivision and, uh, this land was only developed

12 years ago.

No battlefields, no ancient burial grounds,

no spiritual instability that made it into the public record.

Have any of your neighbors

experienced any unusual phenomena?

Edie Kalmanowitz grew a potato in her garden

that resembled John Quincy Adams and bled on national holidays.

It's a quiet neighborhood.

Well, if something bad did happen here,

it had to have been prior to 1851.

Right around the time they took that picture on your sign, Rita.

- Eat a warm bowl of...

Can I go out tonight?

I think it's best if you stay in.

Nana and Boompie might be coming over.

You can give them cute names but it doesn't change the fact

that your parents are old and boring

and carry a slight urine smell.

- Lauren! - Your mother said stay home.

Whatever.

I could use some help with dinner. Would you make a salad?

Whatever!

She's at that age.

Hm.

So, what now, genius?

- Ah! - Uh!

Luke Roman.

August? What'd you find out?

Do something!

- Have you talked to Phil?

No, I think that I should go alone.

Oh, I think Susan seems to have everything under control.

Oh, dear. Are we going h.

No problem, we just learned some interesting things

about your house. It would be a violation

of my sacred blood oath to not disclose them to you.

Real estate agents take a sacred blood oath?

It's like the oath the doctors take.

It just mentions carpet more.

See, that's the thing.

There's no record of this house being built.

It's like it was always here.

Jeez.

All I'm asking is that you let my people look around.

They do a few simple tests. No charge. No obligation.

I just don't know. My fiancé.

The lawyer.

- Don't say it like that. - Like what?

Condescending.

A lot of people don't like you guys any more than lawyers.

We are both parasites.

Real estate agents do less damage to the host.

- I don't know. - This is all just a bit much.

Megan, listen to me.

There is something old and very angry in this house.

These things,

they are like global warming, or liver failure,

or the Easter Bunny.

Whether you believe in them or not,

they could still hurt you.

The Easter Bunny can hurt you?

This isn't about my troubled childhood.

This is about your house.

What kind of tests?

Feel it?

Like it's watching?

Miss Donovan?

You must work for Luke.

The bad thing happened in the study?

That's where the bad thing happened.

They told me you'd be here.

Please, don't let me interrupt.

All right, just one more.

- Whoo...

- You want to take a few swings? - It's great for stress.

- No, thanks. - I'll stick to binge drinking.

You wanna know what most things people call

hauntings really are?

What?

- They're unfinished business. - That's what they are.

What we do... what you do?

You find out what the unfinished business is

at the Lenore's place and you finish it.

Sounds so simple.

What's your deal?

You know all about me. I know nothing about you.

There's not much to tell.

You want me to be your perky flight attendant

on the ethereal plane,

you're going to have to open up a little.

Well...

I grew up in southern California,

I went to UC Santa Barbara on a tanning scholarship.

I got my real estate license, and I did okay.

Yeah, I can read your resumé.

I want the good stuff. Married?

In a relationship?

I'm asking for

ambivalent thirty-something single women everywhere

'cuz we have a database.

Nobody special.

Parents?

- My mom left when I was little. - My dad raised me.

Single parent. This was our place.

We used to come here a couple times a week.

You see him much?

Passed away a few years ago.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It's okay. We keep in touch.

Fascinating, she said.

She slowly inches towards the exit...

Susan,

I'm going to need to focus on the Donovan house.

Can you take over the Lenore's place?

And we are running out of ideas.

And Rita? She's going to eat us alive

if we don't come up with something soon.

We've been at it for a month. Can I count on you?

Well, I expected no less from a veteran of the.

Platinum Ring of Esteem.

I wish it had been jewelry.

And one last thing.

Don't rule out the rational explanation.

Ever.

- Rule it out? - I'm praying for it.

What's upstairs?

There's six bedrooms, four bathrooms,

a sort of a library, um...

Like a parlor or something.

And a big attic.

Downstairs?

I don't really go down there.

There's just a bunch of boxes and, like, a door,

but it's locked.

I think, uh, we should have a look, don't you?

Uh...

Yeah. Please.

What's that noise?

You've never heard that before?

Do you have pets? Dogs? Cats?

No. Brock's allergic.

- Fish? - Fish?

Wouldn't their little fins have trouble working the knob?

Any living organism can stimulate an otherwise

inert psycho-kinetic field.

Could be rats.

Oh, don't say rats.

I don't believe in most of this crap but I do believe in rats.

To your knowledge,

did your Grandfather, or anyone else, die

horribly in this house?

He died in an extended care facility.

He suffered from some dementia.

I don't blame him.

Big puppy.

Who's a good boy?

You are!

Ahhh! Shut the door!

No, wait, wait!

Have you, uh, regained your faith?

No.

But I did shave a few seconds off my best time in the 40.

Please tell me that wasn't a big rat.

Morning. What do we got?

Luke, where did you find this place?

Well, I've had my eye on it for a while.

Man, from a pure emo-energy standpoint,

we're talking Tower of London meets the Paris Catacombs with,

well, a little Wonderland Ranch thrown in.

What tests did you run?

The basics. The M.E. level?

It's coming in at a five.

A five?

Never had a five.

Oh, I think we're in for a series of firsts

with this place.

Oh, yeah.

He followed me home. Can I keep him?

Hi.

Oh, well, look who finally shows up!

- Is he all right? - What happened?

Poltergeists are benign, you said.

Nobody's in any danger, you said.

Just tell me what happened!

Just like last time, all three of them

were sitting down to a nice family dinner when that

big stone clock on the mantle flew across the room

and hit Herb smack between the eyes!

He's lucky to just have a concussion.

He could have been killed!

You are gonna get sued back to the stone age

and lose your license.

Rita! Shut your hole.

Now,

tell me exactly what happened.

Hi, you've reached Brock.

Please leave a message and I'll sue you later!

Honey, it's me.

It's after nine and you promised you'd be home by eight.

I just...

I need to hear your voice.

Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock.

It is me, your woman.

I am alone and scared and

lonesome

and afraid and, frankly,

more than a little p. O.'d.

Come home to me now, tort monkey.

Or don't!

Yeah.

Lauren had just come home, finally, and we were eating.

- Remember any sights? - Sounds? Smells?

There was a burning smell.

Dinner was overcooked

because of Lauren's tardiness and lack of respect

for our family time.

Herb was just explaining to her how a late dinner

impacts his blood sugar.

I could die.

Did the clock do anything before...

Before it attacked?

No...

Yes.

It seemed to shake, just a tiny bit.

Stop.

I miss you so bad! I know.

I miss you, too.

I don't know. I think they're going to keep my dad overnight.

Uh...

No, it's... Uh...

I can't hear... this kid!

I can barely hear you, Todd.

No. Okay, no... Don't get mad. I just... I-I can't.

My mom told me to wait. I'm already in trouble.

Okay, thank God. What a little brat.

The lioness rounds the corner

and gets close to the .

Soon she will have it in its clasp and takes it down hard.

Tonight, maybe for the first time.

Oh, God.

Ahh...

Ha, ha, ha.

Are you okay?

Can you go back in there?

I'll go with you. We'll get you dried off

and we'll take a look around.

I can take you to a hotel.

You'll get a good night's rest,

and we'll figure out this thing in the morning.

I really can't be alone right now.

Can I trust you?

Yeah.

You can trust me.

You want to talk about last night?

These houses...

They know what scares you.

There's something you should know.

Your house?

I've been watching it for a while.

Several years ago,

before your grandfather bought the place,

it was unoccupied.

The yard had gone to hell, so to speak.

A neighbor lady... she had just moved in... she came next door

to complain about the weeds.

Nobody knows who answered the door.

But nobody ever saw that lady again.

Any idea who she was?

They say I have her eyes.

Your mother?

I guess she'd just moved back to town.

I got some hang up calls.

I called back. She answered. I heard her voice,

and I knew it was her.

So, of course, I hung up.

We never connected and she disappeared.

Anyway, it's... It's complicated.

Moms always are.

So, I have been eyeing that house for a while.

When your grandfather bought it, I went to see him, you know?

To see if he would let me do some tests and things.

He said no.

Yeah. Grandpa didn't like people.

It's a little early, isn't it?

Hm?

Nope. I never stopped,

so, technically, it's still last night.

Um, Megan,

this is a Domaine de I'Armand Montrachet.

It is one of the finest white wines in the world.

The oh-four is legendary.

Yeah, Grandpa was a serious wine guy.

He had cases and cases of these rare,

expensive vintages in the basement.

In fact, they told me

that he was adding a wine cellar to the house when he got sick.

Really?

Do you mind if I...?

Your dad seems okay.

Think they're going to spring him as soon as the doc shows up.

So, who's the guy?

What guy?

The guy who's got you so messed up

that you're tossing around salad forks and mantle clocks.

I never... I didn't...

You are.

You did.

You're not doing it on purpose. But you have to stop.

It's something that happens to some kids at a certain age.

We're a hormonal theme park to begin with, and then

something short-circuits.

We flex a muscle we didn't even know we had

and then boom!

Things move.

Things get broken.

The technical term is telekinesis.

I looked it up a long time ago.

What if I hurt someone?

You will learn to control it.

Trust me.

And go easy with this guy.

Guys can do stuff to your head.

Make you doubt yourself.

Besides, he's-he's an opening act.

He's not a headliner.

He's My Chemical Romance.

You gotta save a little something for when Linkin Park

comes along.

Those were bands, right?

Yes, those are bands.

Come on, let's check on your dad.

Did things like this happen to you when you were my age?

- He was a bass player. - I set things on fire.

- No, you didn't. - Whoomf.

That is awesome.

Hold on.

What?

Feel free to keep on trusting me.

Okay.

I need to get this house out of my life.

I'm either going to hire somebody to torch the bastard

and burn it back to hell, or I'm going to lower the price.

Lower the price?

Luke, it's a supernatural beast guarding a hell-house.

What makes you think...?

Meat.

It's the universal language.

As your broker, I encourage you to toss it!

The pork... chop... now!

- Oh, shit!

Oh.

- What? - It's all dusty!

He's not going to mind.

A dog is a dog,

no matter who his master is.

Yup.

Wine cellar.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

The pork chop's wearing off. Come on!

Ohh.

So, in the process of building his wine cellar,

your grandfather, he accidentally opened

some sort of portal or a gateway.

I think we closed it but I'll call in a welder

and we'll seal up that bad boy for good.

What about the dog?

Well, without the energy from the open portal, he'll move on.

He's probably looking for a ghostly mailman as we speak.

Oh, God. We are never gonna sell this place.

Oh, I think you will.

You just need proper representation.

A sort of a specialist, then.

Definitely. Someone you can trust. That's, like, crucial.

- And the, uh, evil spirits... - They're all gone?

I assume that the lawyer is staying?

We'll see.

What about your mother?

Still got it? Yeah, I do.

You did some really nice work here.

Thanks.

So, where do we stand on the Donovan house?

Oh, we are gonna sell that mother.

Luke, I need to know:

How did you find out about me?

My telekinesis and the fires.

Research. It's what we do.

So, you were kidding about your dad, right?

'Cuz you know I don't really believe in that.

So, what do you believe?

I believed

that I was in love with Bob Livingston.

I believed he would leave his wife.

So, is it so hard to believe

that I stayed in touch with my father?

Susan, people die.

Their souls, they pass on.

Only love and low maintenance composite decking last forever.

I believe it's going to be very interesting

working for you.

I believe that you're right.

A Frenchman named Rochefoucauld once wrote,

"It is with true love as it is with ghosts..."

Everyone talks about it

"but few have seen it."

Still,

person's got to believe in something.

Don't you think?

I'll see you soon.

Mom.