Original subtitles

Ah, love, love.

Tingles all the whims of the heart.

Ah, love, love.

Do it again and again, but do not play with it.

Donna Teresa resign yourself, you're destined to be deceived.

Donna Comare you spin wool, put your skirt to rest.

Round eyes who gleefully laughs, don't care and drink wine!

Old Croce, you've lost all your money, as usual.

Ah, love, love.

Tingles all the whims of the heart.

Ah, love, love.

Do it again and again, but do not play with it.

Friar who walks while praying,

you'll see sins before nightfall.

Inside a house we hear a whimper,

a bed creaking, a noise in the wind.

Cheers to the face of father prior,

who instructs the nuns in the convent,

they run and scream, looks like a hen-house,

when the night comes, he confesses them.

Ah, love, love.

Tingles all the whims of the heart.

Ah, love, love.

Do it again and again, but do not play with it.

Give me a hand or I'll never finish these pants.

Why don't you use that newest soap that makes the laundry so white!?

So white... So white... Eh?

Look... Such a difference!

The difference is not in the white, but in the ass!

My pants are enough for one big fat ass.

Your master must be small and thin. Maybe those are the altar boy's!

No way! The most precious things comes in small packages.

Then you know the master that wears those pants.

You'd like to know him!

He's Mr Antonio. With his stone killed two birds!

It must have been a big stone!

Tell us!

Do you know that pimp who likes to be called "Golden Ass"?

Tell me, young man...

that greasy spinach you have instead of hair

do you want me to curl them or make them blonde like an angel?

Or do you want me to get rid of that horrendous pimple of yours?

It's a sign you don't give vent to your young blood.

No sir, they told me that you can find me...

a wife... worthy of me.

That sucks!

And what are you worthy of?

I learned from my father to be a tanner.

And I am good at it,

as you can see by this purse I made myself.

But you didn't make what's inside the purse.

No, Madonna. My parents earned that money

before the plague killed them.

That's why I changed town and want to have a wife.

You're lucky, young man,

Madonna Brenda here has a marriageable daughter.

Is she beautiful?

Seeing her mother's face would you doubt it?

Is she a virgin?

A lily!

All her years, until yesterday, she was in a convent,

where she learned modesty

and all the other arts that can make her lucky husband happy.

You can go today at sunset to Madonna Brenda's house.

She will show you her treasure.

Now go away now, you're distracting me.

- What about my purse? - What about my services?

Do you think your eyes are enough payment?

You've got beautiful eyes... do you want a touch of make-up?

So I found myself alone

With no one I care for.

And with no experience about this bad world.

Now you have me, my son.

A second mother who will help you overcome hindrances.

Then your answer is yes!

Of course it's yes!

That's solace...

Oh, my sweet, my beauty...

You'll be my solace! My good...

Mother!

What's happening, mother?

Alice, my sweet daughter, this is Mister Antonio, your betrothed.

My pleasure!

If he's my betrothed, what are you doing, mother? Testing him?

That was only a burst of emotion because I consented to the wedding.

- Do you like him? - Oh, yes!

Then the deal is sealed!

- My son! - Wait, wait!

Now that I've found a mother, I would like to see my bride to be!

I imagine you use the shroud to go to the church,

but now you can lift it!

No! It would be a grave sacrilege!

Sacrilege? That the groom see his betrothed bride?

Sacrilege!

And the reason is...

I did wrong to marry the father of my daughter.

That man was rough and abusive like nobody!

He beat me all day and night for his pleasure.

And he beat our child as well.

When he left for the war, I took a vow to the Virgin:

If our enemies killed him, I would never remarry.

And no man would see Alice's face until the evening after her wedding.

And did the Virgin grant your wish?

She granted it.

And when will I be able to open this wrap?

Tomorrow night, after the wedding.

Here, my love, the bride's lucky crown.

Yes, yes, let's cut to the chase!

Now you're married, the vow is fulfilled,

let's fulfil the rest!

Virgin Mary!

What? Don't you like me?

Yeah, not bad, but let's see the rest.

My husband, I have to ask you a favour.

Tell me, but no promises.

Don't ride me with too much energy.

You know the proverb: What doesn't hurt the horse, hurts the filly.

What filly? I would say you're a nag.

Wait, wait... You can't do this thing in a hurry!

You need to be patient and ponder a bit...

- Don't be hasty... - Oh, my man, love me now!

- Please, wait... - Be my stallion!

Mother!

My daughter!

Oh, why the long face? The first time hurts, but after that...

That's it: My husband didn't hurt me!

You're freezing! Come near the fireplace.

Was the pleasure so much that you didn't feel his pecker's assault?

What pecker, mother? I didn't even see it!

My husband gave me a kiss on my forehead, like you do.

And then he fell asleep.

Is this marriage?

No. But did you do as I instructed you?

Didn't you tempt him with kisses and caresses?

Yes, mother, but my husband was cold like a stone and fell asleep!

This is serious.

Because a real man cannot resist fresh flesh.

Maybe he's unaware of what love games are.

And for that... there is only one thing to do.

Whatever it is, do it mother. Or I'll die with this craving.

As I taught you, I'll teach him.

Come in.

Go, now.

Antonio, do you want me to regret that my daughter married you?

No, why? What have I done wrong?

- You ask me? - Yes.

You know the groom must lay with the bride?

Yes, I am laying...

Oh, she must have gone to pee...

But you haven't fornicated yet, son.

Well, mother, the fact is...

Come on, son, you can tell me. What's the encumbrance?

Actually I don't know how love works.

You're saying that you haven't laid with any female?

That you never laid with any whore, harlot, bitch, slut, moll or slag?

- Never, Madonna. - Oh, my...

You see, when I was little I fell

and my mother, desperate for me to heal,

took a vow to San Marco that if I healed

she'd never allow me to get near a woman until my wedding.

And did you heal?

I'm here!

It's not bad, son.

I'll teach you what you need to know.

Slowly...

Yes...

Good.

No! Not this way!

Good, good, again... Yes...

Now... touch!

Touch?

Here! And here! Come on.

What?

Do as the dog does with the bitch.

No... What are doing?

Come here, come on! Yes...

- Hello, mother? - Your husband now knows everything.

Every everything?

Just what a man needs to begin. The rest will come naturally.

Then now I can take what's mine!

Go, daughter, go!

My husband...

What do you want again?

Did my mother say nothing?

Oh, yes, she told me a lot of things.

- Now I tell you. - Yes! Tell me everything!

Fuck...

My daughter... Come on...

Did he hurt you so much?

He did nothing to me, mother. Nothing more than you taught him.

He pretended to ride me, he touched me all over,

he bit me and when I expected to taste his instrument.

What?

He said good night and fell asleep.

Oh, I was a fool!

Your husband thought that was fornication!

Mother, I'm sick of being a virgin!

And you're right.

I'll see to it that he'll use his damned pecker!

What do you want to do?

I will teach your husband all the rest!

Oh, again my wife! Didn't you have enough?

Enough of what, tell me?

Oh, it's you Madonna.

Yes, it's me and I'm here to teach you.

Haven't you taught me everything already?

- Let's start again. - All right.

This is just the beginning, the best is yet to come.

What is this... the best?

Oh, maybe I've got it.

What my parents did!

Screw! Isn't it?

- Then you knew? - Oh, yes.

You could have said it right away!

Oh, you rogue!

And you said you can not use your pecker!

Mother, are you screwing him?

Yes, my daughter. Your husband is shy.

But has he learned your lesson, mother?

It takes time, my daughter. Your husband is tardy.

Have faith, sleep in my bed in the meanwhile.

That great rogue: He married two women instead of one!

I know one that did much to love just one woman, but didn't succeed!

And who's this cockerel that did not crow?

Menico da Pistola, who fell hopelessly in love with Tonia,

daughter of Jacopo de Monteroni.

Tonia requited his love because she herself was hot!

Her father, who was a Guelph,

hated Menico who was with the Ghibellines.

What then?

My father don't want it, don't want it,

that I make love with you.

But come, my love, when my father is not at home.

Holy Virgin!

- It's me, Tonia! - It's you, Menico.

You're crazy! Crazy, my love.

Yes, I'm crazy!

Crazy for you.

Oh, blimey!

Tonia, give me a proof of your love and I will give you mine.

Cool down...

My father!

Tonia!

Tonia!

To whom are you talking to?

Talking? No, father...

I was singing a madrigal.

A madrigal?

Well, you better be.

Because if I find you with that maggot, Menico,

I'll kill both of you. Damn you!

But Menico is a good guy, and honest.

Honest, you say? You shameless bitch!

What did he tell you when he made you open your legs in the shed?

That he's an honest guy?

A good guy?

He's a billy-goat!

He wanted to use his prick when you were bent over the well!

Come on. Let's go to eat...

To eat under a tree.

The same tree where I'll hang your Menico if I find him around you again.

Damn you!

Such a temper!

Good day, Tonia!

Cencio! Amorichio!

Ouch! May the plague take you!

- My apologies, Tonia. - You idiot!

- Good day, Tonia! - Good day to you.

- Why are you here? - Because of the grape harvest!

We're here to take the wine that your father sold to our master.

Tonia!

Finally you're here, weak men!

Hello, Jacopo.

- What news from town? - Huge news, Mister Jacopo.

Our master told us.

Come on in, and tell me about it.

It seems the bishop is gathering warriors

and there will be war with the Ghibellines.

And you have big hands, Mister Jacopo!

I won't try them!

I won't use them on you, but on that filthy Ghibelline Menico da Pistola!

Tonia! I'm here.

Oh, Menico, are you there?

Uncork it, I'm out of air!

Menico, what are you doing in there?

I'll not stay in here forever.

When this barrel goes in the cellar I'll get out!

- What for? - What for? You know what!

The proof that you love me!

I'll hide until tonight and then you will be with me, my love.

While your idiotic dad sleeps!

- But I... - But what?

- I think it's too dangerous! - It's not...

- Tonia! - Ouch, my nose!

Tonia! Who are you talking to?

Talk? I was singing, father.

Singing?

The barrel!

- The barrel. - The barrel?

What about the barrel?

Nothing's wrong with it, but it's content!

The must is not fermented yet!

Then there is no wine for the master!

We can leave you the barrel and come back later when the wine's ready.

No, you weak men!

I'll fill the barrel now because your master asked me for good wine...

but also for some good manure for his garden's flowers.

Go to the stables and bring here cow dung and pig muck...

to fill the barrel up to the top!

Menico!

Tonia!

What is this stink I smell?

You ask me?

It's been two days I've tried to wash away your pig's dung!

May I come in?

My father locked me in. Wait!

I've waited two years now, damn!

Sorry, I bound it poorly! Throw it back!

Bind it well now!

Let's hope...

Tonia!

Oh, my dad! Don't move!

Oh Tonia! What's happening?

Oh, dad, I thought I saw a thief!

- I heard a cry! - It was me!

When I saw him coming! He ran that way!

- Where? - That way!

I'll kill him!

Hang on, my dear, or you won't be able to prove your love to me.

You bowel, come out of there if you have guts!

But there is no one here!

I know who your thief was! Your Menico!

No, father, Menico left for the Crusade!

It's ripping...

- Run Menico! - You filthy pig!

I will send you to the Crusade!

I'll slice you!

I'll have you run to Jerusalem!

- I was only joking! - Damn! Damn you!

Damned Ghibelline from Pistola!

- Father? Oh, dad! - What?

Free me from this prison. Please.

No! You'll get out at vespers, when I'll be back home.

So the war with the Ghibellines will be this short?

What war are you talking about?

We Guelph gather at the tavern to plan the battle!

These are subtle things. We must do them right...

in front of a good glass of wine!

Try not to drink too much, father! Last time you couldn't find our door!

Shut up, you little girl!

Is the rope safe?

Yes, my love, I tested it.

You should have done it with the linen, turned out it was old!

In love you do not spare!

Finally alone, my dear.

- Menico! - Tonia!

My dear Menico, are you hurt?

But what is pain compared to love?

Give me back the rope, my dear...

Oh, go fuck...

Come here! Menico, come here! Where are you going?

Don't you want the proof of my love?

Menico!

You broke my heart!

And you broke my ass!

And that's how a sweet love story ends!

It didn't go much wrong for him in the end!

I know a story where the craving for riding

brought bad luck to no less than three lovers!

- Imagine that! - Let me tell you...

Finally at home!

All those people, and that clutter!

- My love... - Stop your hands!

We are barely home and you start to touch!

I waited for five years for this, I'm not getting any younger!

I'll wait no more. You are my legitimate wife now!

And I'll touch you as much as I want!

This is our love nest!

The lounge, the cellar... The wine is good!

Please, come...

This is... the kitchen...

and the bedroom!

- Come on! - Ooh...

This is the bathroom!

You start to undress... My bowels grumble!

I'll be quick! Strip off quickly!

Be quick! I'm afraid to be alone!

I heard there is a ghost here,

of a man who's been murdered, I think!

There is no one! Undress, I'll be with you shortly.

What I have to do to earn a piece of bread!

I have to give my beautiful body to that old fart.

Saint Paschal Baylon, protector of women!

Oh my God! Did it hurt?

- My head... - It's not my fault!

I'm sorry. Come on, lay down on the bed.

Yes, yes... to the bed...

- Come on! - Oh, my head...

- Help me lay down on the bed... - Come on.

Oh, my head... my head...

I feel dazed...

that blow!

My dear wife, massage me please, or I cannot give you pleasure!

What a pity!

I have to be a nurse on my wedding night!

Down, please. The pain is down my body!

Down! Down!

How much lower is this pain?

It's a bad pain! Lower, lower, lower!

Hey! I may be beautiful, but I'm no fool!

I'm not massaging lower!

Please, do it and I'll give you a scudo!

Money first!

- So much for trusting me... - I know you Neapolitans!

Who's the master of these sweet lips?

Who else... but you!

Good! And who's the master of this nice bosom?

You!

And who's the master of this nice bum...

Oh my, the ghost! I'm afraid!

There's no ghost! It must be the cellar door.

So, who's the master of this nice bum?

The ghost! I told you!

You made him angry with your dirty words!

He's getting near. I can hear his footsteps!

But I said nothing else than bum... bosom...

Shut up!

Holy Mother!

Be careful not to bite your tongue!

What does he want from us? Do I have to pray?

- I feel all wet! - Did you pee in fear?

No... I'm sweating!

Ah! It's blood, not sweat! The ghost killed me!

- Or not? - No, it's nothing.

- What's that? - Go and see!

- Don't push me! - Go... go and see!

- Holy crap! - What's this?

This is the work of the devil! This house is haunted!

This bird is his doing!

I'm leaving! I'm not staying in this house a moment more!

- What? You're leaving? - I'm afraid!

I'm leaving! I'm going to search for a devil-banisher!

I'll call the exorcist... the pharmacist...

the turkeyist... I'll be back soon!

Don't be late, I'm afraid!

Does the exorcist live far away?

- Minchiotto, is that you? - It is indeed.

How tall you are...

Your husband has fled in fear!

He's gone to call the exorcist. He'll be back! We have to be quick!

What are you doing?

The old fart made you hot? Bitch!

Ouch! You moron!

I'm doing all this to keep my virginity for you,

and you slap me? Fuck...

So are you still spotless for your Minchiotto?

I am!

Then why was there some suspicious movements under the sheets

when I dropped the blood on your husband's face?

I was just massaging him! He's a jalopy!

Then... are you willing to give me the proof of your love?

Yes, yes. Take me, take me!

Let's go, my dear, let's go!

- Hey, where are you going? - To bed, yes?

No, not in the bed. It disturbs me, it feels like a sin!

It's a sin if we do it in the bed, it's not if we do it standing?

Bitch!

- Oh! - Ooh!

That is a backlash slap!

There they come! Run, quick, run!

Move, move, quick! Get out, move!

Do you hear that? It's him! The ghost!

His screams terrorize me!

Free us from the devil, Master!

Where there is a female, there is the devil, you moron!

Such manners! I'm sorry!

Let me pass, please!

Holy mother!

Did someone fart?

You wife and her beautiful bosom...

attract dirty devils!

Specifically Balthazar, a devil of German origins.

I know him well, ja!

Exactly! This Balthazar likes fleshy lips,

a big bosom,

generous hips,

round buttocks!

We got the idea, Don Kaisere!

This Balthazar likes what I like!

Can we get on with the exorcism?

Silence!

You shut up and pay!

Five scudos!

One, two, three, four, five.

You gave me one scudo!

You're a female, he's a wizard!

When did you hear noises of the evil spirit?

While I was laying with my wife.

And what is an old fart like you doing with a lady like her?

What he was doing is none of your business!

You woman... shut your mouth!

No, wait... open your mouth!

- Open it? - Open it!

I knew it! It smells of sulphur!

Maybe it's the macaroni with the garlic sauce...

Shut up!

Where is the bedroom where you sinned?

The bedroom is that one.

- Let's go! - Let's go... let's go.

You can't come in. You must pray in the other room!

I'll lure the spirit in the bedroom, and then shoo him away.

But he'll not come if you're there.

He loves your female, do you understand?

I understand.

This guy annoys me, and I even gave him five scudos!

Damn...

I pray to you, Saint Germana, damn that German!

Kneel!

[speaks in Latin]

[speaks in Latin]

What are you doing? Fumigations?

Come out, you dirty devil! Come out!

[Speaks in German]

He's not here.

Ouch! Are you crazy?

I'm looking for the mark of the devil!

Ouch... It's painful!

Where you feel pain is not the devil!

Ouch!

Are you sure the devil is inside me?

Did it hurt?

- No. - What do you feel?

- I don't know, a tingle... - That's it! You see...

It doesn't hurt, so it's the mark of the devil!

Come, come! I can shoo the dirty devil away from your body!

Are you sure you'll be able to shoo him away?

I did it before to many females! Ja!

- Ah, no, no! What are you doing? - Yes, yes, I shoo him away...

Mea culpa! If the devil does not come out I will pray St. Vincent...

- You're a pig... - Mine, all mine...

You evil devil! You dirty devil!

- Let me go! - You go away! Shoo!

- Shoo! Shoo! - Oh, not again!

Done! Balthazar is out of the female and shooed back in hell!

You can sleep safe.

And you better be no pig, or the ghost will return! Ja?

- Don't worry! I'm breathless... - Did you like the exorcism?

- Pity the devil got out so soon. - Yes, a pity!

- My wife... - Yes, husband!

- Help me, I feel like dying! - Don't die on the wedding night!

- What a bad wedding night! - Come on, mama's boy.

A bad blowing night! Help me!

My wife, stay beside me, don't leave me!

My Bona, you now should do the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

What is that?

Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is used to save who's drowned.

And how do I do that?

You put your mouth to my mouth,

then you breathe and push.

Breathe and push, push and breathe! Until I'm saved.

I figured as much!

Well, let's do this mouth-to-mouth!

- Was I good? - So and so...

All right, let's sleep then!

St. Paschal, tonight I fuck no more!

Don't you remember what the exorcist said?

Yes, I do. He said I have to pray.

And what are you doing instead?

I pray, with my heart and my mind.

And with your hands touching me.

I content myself...

I'll fetch you a glass of wine, so you'll have a better sleep.

What have I done wrong?

My husband in bed,

my lover in the cellar, the exorcist at the door,

and I won't get laid tonight!

- Ah! The ghost! - I'm no ghost!

- I'm Minchiotto! - Minchiotto...

Ooh! You're organizing orgies, eh?

Good wine to facilitate love!

Bitch!

What's the noise? The ghost?

No, it's that exorcist cock!

- Me? A cock? - Oh, shut up!

The wine was an excuse to talk to you.

Now you start playing ghost again, he gets terrified again,

and goes to his mother's home. I don't like her and he knows it.

So he leaves me here, and we make love!

- All right? - Tut!

I have a quicker way!

I'll put this in his glass!

- What's in it? Poison? - Tut!

Sleeping draught!

Minchiotto! You're great!

I do my best!

Bona! Where are you? Bona!

Bona!

Aren't you eager, my husband!

Now drink, it's good for you. All of it... all of it!

And now... to sleep!

How good is this wine! It made me hot, my Bona!

- I feel ardour mounting! - Hey, what are you doing!?

Hey! Hey husband?

What's happening to you?

My husband, are you asleep?

Oh my, I killed him!

She killed her husband on their wedding night!

He's already cold! Minchiotto...

Minchiotto!

- Asleep? - Damn you! You killed him!

Me?

You poisoned him to enjoy your lover!

Bitch!

Bona, is that you?

He's not dead, just deep asleep!

Move him aside, so we can fornicate under his eyes!

- Are you crazy? - Crazy?

Let's go in the other room! Help me, come on.

- Pull! - Quietly!

Such a heavy mattress!

Finally we are alone!

- We are not alone! - What?

- The turkey! - Who cares about the turkey?

Bona! You're lovely!

- You're a beauty, be mine, Bona! - Stop... I'm ashamed!

- Of me? - Of it! I feel like he's a man!

I like it when your are shameful, when you're not a bitch!

Bitch! Isn't this the money for your performance?

You sold your body?

That's from my husband for the massaging!

We'll talk about it later!

Come on, take off your nightgown!

- No, I can't! - Why?

It's looking at me!

Shoo him away, Minchiotto! Shoo him away.

I'll shoo it away!

Damn the turkey and whoever sent it!

Just what we needed: A Peeping Tom turkey!

Where are you?

Damn you! Dirty capon!

You get trapped! Yes!

Bona? Where are you?

I'm here!

- What are you doing? - Nothing...

I wanted a glass of wine, since you slept so well!

The ghost took my mattress away!

- No!? - Yeah!

This time, if I get him I'll kill him!

Here he is! He's challenging me!

Give me a weapon, give me an iron pan!

Get ready, you evil spirit!

Don't go, husband!

You spirit of the darkness, are you here? Answer me!

Where are you? Here? There?

Where are you?

What? Do you think we men are afraid of you? Think again...

What are they doing?

Damn you, Minchiotto, take off this sheet! You scared me to death!

Ooh, you put on some weight! Let me see!

- Von Kaiser? - Ja, little female, ja!

Let's do the exorcism!

Did you like the interrupted exorcism earlier?

I did like it! I've tried all night to be exorcised!

Let me just put the mattress back...

No mattress! It's better on hard surfaces!

Come on! Exorcise me...

Aargh! My balls!

What do you want?

Who are you?

Hey no!

No way!

What do you want?

Help!

Careful or you may end up like Monna Fiora!

- Why? What happened to her? - Now I tell you!

Swimming is good, but it would be better to be in good company!

- Right Fiora? - Yes indeed!

But my mother told me to stay away from men!

I can go out only with her, and I can't be visited at home either.

It's time to go back.

It's not good for honest girls to linger in the evening.

Come on, Fiora!

Fiora! What's happening?

What's happened to you?

Fiora, why are you squirming?

What are you hiding in your hands, my dear friend?

- A prawn. - A prawn?

A prawn?

A prawn entered me.

Help me cast it out. It stings!

Come on! Don't just look at me. I'm in pain!

If the prawn entered you, are you still a virgin?

Right, that's true!

I was deceived by a servant.

He was so handsome, so blond, so young.

He was also ribald, unfaithful and a liar!

Don't tell anybody, I beg you. Don't say anything!

Better get her back home. And call for a doctor.

Yes, he may be able to cast out that rude prawn.

I want my mum...

Come on!

Be quiet, my daughter.

Our kind doctor will free you from that lewd beast!

I'm so sorry...

my dear customer...

the prawn is very shrewd,

and my instruments are useless.

But... I may have an idea.

Me?

Yet...

And... her virginity?

Well, her virginity...

she lost it because of my instruments.

Well... then...

Hold on for a while more, my angel.

I go out with our doctor to look for the remedy.

Be quiet, dear.

I look forward for Christmas to come...

so I can eat a huge nougat!

So I can eat a huge nougat!

And to have a nice drink with a jug!

Listen, Piero, I need to talk to you.

Sit down, sit, sit down!

It may sound strange that I, the mother, hope it happens,

but be reassured, yours will be a noble cause.

What is it?

My sweet daughter can be saved only with your intervention.

What do I have to do?

For you it will be a real pleasure to do it.

So much that I myself...

will dab your "remedy" with an ointment...

and it will be even sweeter!

Come on, undress,

while I prepare the damsel.

Let's undress.

- Mm, good... - Piero... Piero.

Piero!

Madonna, I didn't get where this ointment goes.

Don't worry, someone will apply it for you. There!

Be quiet, daughter, I brought you the definite remedy!

Come on, come on!

Go!

Piero, don't delay it. My daughter is in pain.

My pain is not there, touch lower!

What are you waiting for, Piero? Come on, time is pain.

Mother, maybe you should leave us.

Yes, you're right, my angel.

I'd better wait in the kitchen for the results of this treatment.

My daughter, the intruder prawn bit the fleshy bit,

the doctor was right. Get up, daughter, let's celebrate!

Fiora?

Fiora can't get out.

Why, isn't she cured?

Unfortunately not, that damned prawn laid eggs,

the eggs hatched and my daughter is again prey to the itchy pain.

What did the doctor say?

To repeat his treatment day and night!

She's a beauty: Two round breasts, a small nice bum,

two solid legs, and she's a sweet and masterly lover.

Then is it a pleasure to fuck her?

Oh yes! The strange thing is when we finish,

Fiora wants me to go out bare naked, screaming! Mah!

- I better go, it's my turn! - Don't forget it.

Hey, tonight it's my turn. What if Fiora heals sooner?

Don't worry! Fiora says she has more prawns inside her than there are in the sea!

Her fabrication worked well!

A yokel who though he was smart, and wanted to enjoy his wife,

who was afraid of his riding!

Do tell us!

She takes off the other stocking...

She gets up... Where are you going?

Don't move! Stay right there!

Bare naked!

Such a beauty!

For once that I... Oh, damn!

Shoo, hens, shoo! Tonight you're risking your neck!

Shoo!

Blimey! All that beauty wasted, and I'm sleeping all alone!

If I could... Damn!

A terrible monster! Help!

He's getting nearer... his purple head!

What a pain!

Hey, little hen, what's happening to you?

The monster!

Open the door! Open it, little hen! Come on!

Open this door!

Where are you? Where are you?

What are you doing up there?

Step back, you monster!

But I'm Nicolo, your husband!

I'm afraid of the monster, the one you hide in your pants!

You had another nightmare?

My little hen, come here so I can explain.

Some ugly woman who never saw a naked man must have told you stories!

Come to bed, now. Cover yourself, it's cold.

If you try the monster...

you'll know all the beautiful and pleasurable things in life.

But I can't find the courage.

My little hen, it's been a week since we married,

when will you find the courage to do it? When?

Listen to me, why aren't you listening to me?

Let me sleep with you.

If you try my thing, your nightmares will disappear.

- Shall we try? - No!

All right! Back to the hens, then!

Good morning, my love!

- Slept well? - Yes.

Lucky you slept! I've been awake all night.

- Step back! - Did I scare you?

Not you, my dear, your monster.

- You came here for a kiss? - No, I was thinking...

about an Important thing.

Did you forget to manure broccoli or peas?

No, something more Important.

What is that?

Maybe your mother didn't tell you about married men?

Oh, yes, she said they are as fiery as goats, horses and bulls!

As bulls, yes!

And did she say that men are not like the beasts?

No!

- That's it! Now it's all clear! - What's clear?

Why you have nightmares thinking about the two things of men.

- The two things? Did you said two? - Yes, exactly!

All men have two things!

Oh my! Two monsters in each man?

Yes, my little hen. Come with me and I'll explain everything.

Did you never ever see a bare naked man?

- No. - That's why you know nothing...

of these two things. One is big and is used when needed,

or for some special woman, not for you!

On the other hand, the latter is small and kind,

and it does not hurt at all!

Convince yourself, my little hen, I'm talking for your own good.

I don't really care.

You'll have no nightmares any more!

And also your pimples will disappear.

You'll discover the pleasures of love,

if we just use the smaller one.

All right, we'll talk about it tonight.

- Are you ready? - Yes, but I tremble with fear.

Have faith, my little hen,

the little one is... kind and heedful.

Are you sure?

Sorry, my husband.

Can you wait a little bit more? I still can't find the courage.

When will you find it?

If you make a mistake and act with the big and not the small one...

Don't worry, I really cannot make such a mistake!

I love you too much, my Nicolo,

I'll do it even if I know I'll die from it.

- Are you sure? - Yes, but wait, please.

- I can't wait any longer! - No, no, please, Nicolo...

I feel something strange, what are you doing? No!

Nicolo!

Oh, Nicolo... Yes... Yes...

I told you to have faith, that I would not hurt you,

on the contrary, it's a pleasure.

Did you like it?

- Again! - Here I am!

Here I am, my wife!

Why did it take you so long? I waited anxiously.

- Is dinner ready? - Dinner can wait.

- On to the bed! - Can't we eat first?

- I wanna learn everything about the monster! - I'll teach you!

- Won't you undress first? - You undress me!

- I undress you, all right! - Yes, yes.

- I have to work. - No, no!

We've just done it eight times today, come on, come on!

Nicolo! Nicolo?

Let's make love?

Nicolo, where are you?

No, my little hen, it's bad to make love again and again.

It's not for me, it's for you, it's not healthy for you,

and then you can't work any more!

My little hen, relax!

Nicolo, my small monster, take me Nicolo!

Nicolo! Where are you going?

I wanted some water but no more. I'm back to bed, don't worry.

I have no more fear of your nice thing, actually I've grown fond of it!

You pig, stay put and be quiet!

Nicolo?

Why are you hiding there with the pigs?

No, no! I can't do it any more!

Why are you running away?

Nicolo, don't be afraid!

Wait!

Wait for me!

My husband, I have a big surprise,

I decided that...

I've lost all my fears, now we can try your bigger monster!

No!

Who knows what happened to that poor guy!

Males have just one monster indeed,

and we girls have never enough even of that one!

Donna Amanda craved for more than her husband's,

as demonstrated by a fact her maid told me.

Wait for me! Damn you!

Bishop, what are you doing here bare naked?

What are you doing here, soldiers?

We're chasing Baccio da Rovigo, the brigand who escaped naked from prison.

That great sinner!

He's the one who caught me while I was going to

the Convent of Calamadi to give them a precious icon.

That ribald made my brothers flee

and stripped me of all my belongings.

Oh, I needed to piss!

Holy Mother!

I never saw a bishop like that with such a big prick!

Oh, no, no!

You wait! Please.

My wife collapsed, she feels like dying and wants to confess.

I don't have the necessary things here.

But she's dying, can't you do it with out this necessity?

In extreme cases... I can confess her any which way.

You are a saint. Come in.

This way?

Please, go in.

Your eminence, look: 1204, the Fourth Crusade!

Good, very good, son.

And 1229, another Crusade!

- That's why you have a thin voice. - No...

- 1248, one more Crusade! - Poor guy!

Puccetto Corsini! I gave all for the Church!

Good. You'll be rewarded by God for this.

I wish!

Welcome to my humble home, your eminence.

This way.

My dear Amanda, here's a saint for you to confess.

Virgin Mary!

My poor little wife.

She was all right. My Amanda.

Confess me, your eminence.

I want to die in the grace of God.

And you, my husband,

leave us alone before it's too late.

Come on.

- Right, confession is a private thing. - Yeah...

Excuse me, your eminence.

Now give me your grace.

The peace that I've missed for so long.

Yes, now... Oh... here it is!

No, what are you doing with that?

Actually I don't need this thing to do this thing...

- Come here, come closer. - Yes, all right.

Give me your hand!

Here's my hand...

Please give me your hand, glove off!

- Yes, off... - Off...

- Now, give it to me. Now! - Now, yes.

Now... God pray for us!

- Will you confess me or not? - I'm here for this, child!

Wait, I'll take off everything!

Stop chopping that onion! It makes me cry!

Stop staring! Have you never seen someone crying?

Oh God... Oh God... Oh God...

Blimey! It's a long confession!

Come on.

- Such a good confession they're doing! - Let me see!

So many sins!

I'm feeling hot myself!

Stop it.

Are you crazy?

What are they doing?

Let me see.

Nice bum! Nice!

- You brutish cheat! - I can explain, it's not what you think!

- Hey, where are you taking me? - Shush!

- Come on. - Where?

Oh, I get it now! No! I'm not... leave me alone!

I will cry help!

- You, ugly capon! - Come here, my bird!

Got you.

No!

You hurt me... I'm still a virgin!

Will you marry me afterwards?

You're my bird of paradise...

Stop now!

You horned bishop!

- I'm no bishop, nor a friar! - I will castrate you with my bare hands!

One is enough in the family!

Finally you came back to me!

- Who's this one? - It's mine, who else's?

Are you running away?

You'll not leave this room!

You beast.

- And now... - Take this icon!

Good bye my bird!

It's been great!

Fly away, my seagull!

What? What's happening? Is this a joke?

Let me out! I feel like a bird in a net!

207... Have you fallen for it, your eminence?

Amanda's hair tug more than a hundred oxen!

And now we are the oxen!

Eminence, nice to meet you, I'm Place da Monreale, solicitor.

All bullshit! Fuck you!

Did you say 'fuck you', your eminence?

The Vatican Council has opened their minds! Good! Good!

Good? Bullshit! We'll be stuck here milling wheat forever!

Spare your breath, Doctor!

Two priests, a solicitor and a doctor. What's this all about?

I've been called for the viaticum.

They called me for a consultation.

And I came for a confession.

Puccetto didn't want to hire labourers for the mill...

and every time he has to mill all his land's wheat

Monna Amanda fakes an illness and they get the hands they need.

The great bitch!

She has fun and her husband gets his workers!

A smart couple! That is a funny story indeed!

Oh, yes? Wait till you hear this funnier one!

Good!

Ouch! You're rude!

Come one, take me away, you bold woman, quick!

Quick!

Quick, fast! Pull me!

Come on!

In the stables there's a naked man with a huge clapper!

- So big like I've never seen. - Who knows what you saw for real?

I assure you: Huge!

- Maybe it's like a donkey's! - It's bigger!

- Like that of a mule? - Bigger I say!

- Like that of a small bull? - Bigger! Bigger!

- Not like one of a nag? - Three times bigger.

Holy Mother!

Big like...

- Big like this? - Exactly like this!

- And what's the name of this ram? - Well...

I can swear it's Cecco, the one from Viterbury!

- Stop! - You can't go!

Cecco!

Holy cow and it's soul! Cecco de Burini from Viterbury!

That rascal cheated me once, now I will cheat on him. Oh, yes.

Cecco!

Cecco!

Come back later, I'm busy!

Are you Cecco? Da Viterbury?

- Ugh, what do you want? - You're Cecco de Burini?

- So what? - So you're the bastard?

You want to talk family?

Mm... You scoundrel. Do you remember Chiara?

Chiara? How long ago?

About nine months ago!

Ah, Chiara. Beautiful girl. How is she?

She's pregnant!

Really?

Yours!

And I swore on my soul

that if I found that bastard who took advantage of her

I would have crushed his bones one by one with bare hands!

Cecco, here I come!

Oh, you son of a bitch!

Agnolo, look there!

What? What's happening?

If we get you out, what's in it for us?

- Nothing! - Come on, get out!

Come on, you're sweet and nice!

Don't hope to get by with this!

Come on, take off your clothes!

Oh, shut up and take advantage of them!

Oh, you're strong!

You can't pay my sister's honour with two bitches!

When we finish, you get to pay what's due!

You're big and strong! And handsome!

I will break your bones, unless...

You'll talk later!

Unless?

- Unless you compromise... - He's mine, leave him.

And how?

Unless you marry her!

Why not! I'm all right with it.

- So you accept? - Yes.

I'm puzzled...

Stop, everyone!

- Oh, my, who are they? - What do they want?

In the name of law, who is Cecco de Burini from Viterbury?

It's him! Him!

Cecco de Burini, you're under arrest.

- Take him! - Where's my money?

Come on, quick!

Wait a minute, I have to give my friend something.

- What do I do? - You still want to marry my sister?

I told you, yes!

Look...

Look, I get you out of trouble, but you have to marry my sister!

How do I have to tell you? Yes!

All right, get out of the way!

Stay still!

- Here I come! - Me too!

- What do you do, pig! - Stay calm!

Get out!

Again?

How many are there? When will we end it?

One more... no, I need you.

This was the last one!

- How rude! - Take off your clothes!

- Naked? - Bare naked!

You'll need clothes to be introduced to my sister.

- Yes... - The clothes of a captain

are better then those of a simple soldier,

for the neighbours.

Why do you want to marry my sister?

- Because I love her. - If you say so...

- What? Don't you trust me? - No.

Excuse me, gentlemen, may I go now?

- Of course. - Yes, you can go! Go!

I'm happy to be married, a house, a wife, some children,

so you can put some order in this ramshackle existence.

- No? - No!

I'm fed up of sleeping under bridges with wanderings, monks, soldiers, whores.

- A man has to have a house, right? - No.

- No! - No?

Look, I've been trying for hours to convince you that I wanna marry your sister.

- Why don't you try and trust me? - No!

I want my grandson to know his father's face.

- Why? Don't you like it? - No.

Now I need to piss, what can I do?

No problem, I have to pee too.

Lucky me!

Those who don't pee together, are thieves or spies...

or in their pants they have what my aunt has.

You misjudge me just because someone is angry with me.

You're wrong.

One day I'll be Important, and then beware those who get in my way.

Do you want to scare me?

No, because I could get along without your help.

I'd like to see that!

Now let's go, yokel!

- Watch out, other soldiers! - I'm a captain, don't worry!

- But they want to arrest you! - Let me do the talking.

Sergeant, halt!

At your order, captain!

I entrust this man to your custody, he's a drunk madman,

he destroyed a tavern, be careful!

He's dangerous and a liar.

Understood captain, we'll take care of it!

It's not true, it's not true! What are you doing? It's not true!

- Cecco, damn you! - Shut up, beast!

Cecco?

Remember to marry my sister!

Cecco! You're a real son of a bitch!

Cecco!

Bye, Agnolo!

Such a fox!

And there's more!

Agnolo had another sister and Cecco got her pregnant too!

Men are better lovers than husbands!

Don't make me think about my man!

Like mine, husbands are readier to sleep than to ride!

Cencia is lucky to have a lover!

- Lucky her! - Here he comes!

Ulrico, my love, my sweet...

Hey! Don't you recognize me?

I can't now, I'm on duty.

On duty? That son of a... On duty. Duty!

But when he comes to me, it doesn't count if I'm tired.

I always have to be ready at his will.

Now he has to be at my will!

- Good! Bravo! - Go for him!

Hey, calm down! Don't hit me!

- Come on, come on. Quick. - Slow down... I've been ill...

- Don't be shy! - You'll like it.

- One at at time, slow down... - Careful, this is my best armour...

Ah, love, love.

Tingles all the whims of the heart.

Ah, love, love.

Do it again and again. But do not play with it.

Donna Teresa resign yourself

you're destined to be deceived.

Donna Comare you spin wool

put your skirt to rest.

Round eyes who gleefully laughs.

Don't care and drink wine!

Old Croce, you've lost

all your money, as usual.

Ah, love, love.

Tingles all the whims of the heart.

Ah, love, love.

Do it again and again, but do not play with it.