Original subtitles

This place, man, this... this place, it's screwing me up.

I need to be out there, on the streets.

I'm like a caged tiger in here.

Yeah? And there's something you people don't know about me.

I killed a man. Hm? And I'll kill again.

DEV EXHALES

Thanks. That's great.

I think we've seen all we need to see.

I can do it louder, you know. Sexier. Irish?

No, no. I think we're good.

Thing is, I've just started this 18-week course, you know.

It's pretty full-on, so... I don't think it'll be a problem.

Really? It will be hard to get time off.

I really don't think it'll be a problem. OK, sweet.

Thank you so much. See you soon.

Morning. SING-SONGY: Morning!

There we go.

Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

I don't think they are wet, are they, Melanie?

As you wish. Just a thought.

So, how are we this wonderful Wednesday morning?

It's Thursday. Is it?

Yeah. What happened to Wednesday?

Took place yesterday. Oh.

What does Timothy Timetable say for Thursday?

Questions, questions, questions.

Pardon me for inhaling and exhaling. No, questions, Bob.

Interview and interrogation technique, how to listen properly.

Glisten? Listen.

Ah, listen.

I intend to use this module as a means to skewer the prune.

And is there, erm, any investigation that I can help with?

I don't really think that's your area, is it, Melanie?

Well, two brains and all that. You haven't got two brains.

No, I just meant...

I know what you meant, and the answer is no-o-o.

You'll just feed it back to Bilbo Bobbins.

I have a question. Er, Thursday.

Yes, yes, but don't you think she needs to be stopped?

Do I? Ah, yes, yes, I do.

But you haven't done anything about it.

I absolutely have!

I've, er, I made a note to address that very issue,

and I wrote... I wrote it down.

I was... I was... I was going to write it down.

No, no, no!

She's going to snatch the glory right from under your nose!

I can fend off her snatch, don't you worry about that.

Do you honestly think she'd be able to outmanoeuvre Bob Weekes?

I'll take care of it. I'm on it.

I'll take care of it. On it.

Care of it!

Come on, Bob, you're on it.

On it. On...

On what? On-On-On the prowl. Yes? No, on the... on the job.

On the job? Or on the blob? Not the blob.

Bloody Steph A.

I mean, what does he even see in her?

Beats me. She must have a banging personality.

It's pathetic. He's being so... What, basic?

Yes. Yes, basic.

Would you go for someone like that?

Nice guns, and he's got charisma as well, I'll give him that. No.

Not him. Her.

Oh. Erm, I think she's a little bit out of my league.

Yeah. Like me. Erm...

Like me. No, I just...

Like me. All right, all right.

Just give me a minute. You are very rude.

Look, I'm just saying,

I'm sure there's plenty of other Mikes in the sea.

I want that one.

Why? If that isn't a rude question.

Because I don't fail and I don't lose. Right.

Well, you know, you could just hang around

and wait to see if she farts during sex.

Or I could kill her.

All right, settle. Settle! BOB MUTTERS

Interrogation technique, part two! JULIE CLEARS THROAT

There are various ways

to make the extraction of important information

just a little more exciting.

Electrodes.

Er... just little ones, not wired or anything,

just cold on the flesh.

No, not electrodes.

That is part three. GASPING LAUGH

Let's start with the traditional good cop, bad cop scenario.

Which one do you want me to be?

JULIE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Oh, I'm sorry. I can... I can do bad.

JULIE LAUGHS

Oh, dear.

Oh, OK.

All right, first up, Student Officer Hanzel.

Come up, please. OK.

Take a seat. AFIA: Go on, Dev.

Thank you. Thank you. Let's find some truth.

Have you got any notes for my character?

Shut it, scum-brain! Oh, we've started? OK.

H-Have we? Have we started? I ask the sodding questions.

Would you like a cup of tea, Dev? I said, I ask the questions.

I... Thank you.

Why are you here, Hanzel?

To be a policeman. No, why are you REALLY here?

To be a policeman. What are you really, Hanzel?

A policeman. Would you like a cup of tea?

Tell me the truth, or I will tear your fucking nuts off with my teeth!

A policeman. SHOUTS: You're lying to me!

Barakat, get the electrodes! No, no, no!

What are you?

An actor. TEARFULLY: I'm an actor.

Deep down, that's what I am. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Fuck! I knew that bit. Not what I was looking for.

OK, go on, piss off. Chabra, you're in.

Tea, sandwiches, fresh fruit or a biscuit?

Right, stand there.

What did I do?

I've been doing some random checks for Superintendent Weekes,

and your personnel report has gone AWOL.

Now, I could hack into the mainframe and do a deep dive on you...

N-No, don't. It's...

Listen, why don't we just go for a drink?

What?

You know, you're... Oh, you're just so beautiful.

I know. But you're not. Oh. W-What?

Anyway, like I said, I could hack in,

but why would I bother when I've got my twat-catcher?

HE STAMMERS What does it do?

As you walk towards it, if the little feathers flutter

or the little bells tinkle, I'll know that you're a wrong 'un,

a devious, untrustworthy twat.

Is it broken? What?

What? No. It's not... It's not broken. Obviously.

Well, the twat-catcher never lies. Oh.

You may go about your business.

Oh, OK, well...

...thank you.

I mean, God, it's just so correct. Technology, eh?

It's mental.

Go.

LEGGO CLEARS THROAT

Interview commencing, 11:56.

Those present, Student Officer Ryan Legland,

Sergeant Michael Gunn and, er, some other people as well.

This interview is being recorded.

Now, suspect name, Stephanie "The Slug" Jackson.

You are playing with fire, just saying.

So, Miss Jackson, how do you know Sergeant Michael Gunn?

He is a fellow officer... Mm-hm.

...and a friend, which of course, you know. Hm.

A friend? OK. How does he treat you?

Oh, he's not a doctor.

I think the question's quite clear, actually.

Does he treat you the way that you deserve to be treated?

Well, he's not always fully focused.

Someone who's highly attractive and smart, witty...

He's not that witty... or smart, to be honest.

Not him.

You.

I thought you said I wasn't your type? Mm.

Role playing, obviously. Oh, obviously.

This is the... Yeah.

Don't let things go quiet!

And remember, anyone who says "no comment"

definitely has something to hide.

Continue.

Do you actually know what you want?

I wanna talk to my lawyer.

Your lawyer is being brutally assaulted in a holding cell.

You're a bent copper, you are. I know my rights.

Right, shut it, you slug. Call me a slug again.

THEY GIGGLE Ow! That hit me in the face!

Click. Interview terminated, 11:57.

What's happening here?

No comment.

LEGGO CHUCKLES Right.

Up you get.

OK, so, er, it is time to split up.

Split up? You mean, we've been together this whole time?

No. You and Legland. What?

I'm putting you in another pairing. But why?

Because you two don't work together as a team.

You're being childish and giggly.

I think Leggo and I are making headway.

You and Leggo can stop making headway.

That doesn't make sense. Yes, it does.

In what way?

In the way that makes proper sense to people

if you know what sense it is... that you're talking about.

Right.

You... Don't make any headway! OK?

Oh, Bob!

Can I have two hours for lunch?

Goodness me, you are a Hungry Hilda.

No, I'm going on a date...

...with Julie's ex-girlfriend.

Pardon? We've hooked up on PinkCupid.

Goodness me. Do you...? Do you find her attractive?

No. No!

No, I'm gonna worm my way into her confidence

to dig up Julie's dirty laundry, literally, if necessary.

And how are you going to do that?

Well, I'll walk in... Yeah.

Erm, you... you be her. You be her. Mm.

Mm. Oh, there you are.

Hello. Hello.

Martin. Me-Me-Melanie. Melanie.

Erm, i-it's nice to be on a date with you.

Oh, that sounds really nice.

Pardon? Nothing. Nothing.

Erm, hello, Catherine. Hello.

I understand you've recently been in a six-year relationship. Yes.

Er, my ex, Julie, is a p-police superintendent,

and she's probably very jealous of her colleague, Bob,

who is also a, er, superintendent.

Oh, jealousy is a terrible thing, Catherine. Yes.

I wonder, is there any reason why she might not be promoted

to a position of authority?

Well, let me have a think. Erm...

And then we probably kiss.

Yeah. Er, they'd, er... They probably would, I imagine.

Erm... HE CHUCKLES

Good luck. Erm, hope it goes well. Aw.

Good luck.

And when the suspect is being especially difficult,

we pull out this little baby.

I'm not a baby, I just don't wanna do it.

She meant the polygraph, Paul. No, I didn't.

Why can't we see you sit in the hot-seat, ma'am?

Could warm your cheeks a little.

Because I'd rather slice my own head off with a cheese wire.

OK, Huggins.

Er, green is for truth, red is for a lie.

Are you ready? Mm-hm.

Have you ever fantasised about me in a less-than-appropriate way?

Erm...

Y-Yeah.

Of course. Everybody has.

That was the control question, wasn't it, Huggins?

Sorry, I don't understand.

To make sure that the machine is working.

OK, next question, nice and easy.

And remember, this is just an exercise.

Are you a mole?

Erm... no.

Course not, look at you.

OK. Go on, join the others. Jackson, you're up next.

Do you think I look like a mole?

Do you want to? No.

Maybe it's the haircut.

You've never seen a mole before, have you? No.

OK, Stephanie Jackson, a nice, easy control question to start with.

Do you have a little twinge down below for somebody at this college?

Possibly.

Is it one of the trainers? Yes.

Is it one of the students? No.

STEPH LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

What? Oh, no, the thing is th-that polygraphs are affected

by nervousness, fear, confusion.

Th-They don't... They don't actually know how to differentiate

between different types of anxiety.

Mm-hm, OK. Moving on...

Sorry, can you just ask me the twinge question again, please?

I think we've all had enough twinging of your minge, don't you?

This is PAVA spray, OK?

I thought we were supposed to be doing interviewing?

There comes a time when the talking has to stop.

And that time is pretty much right at the start. Force the confession.

DAZ LAUGHS

PAVA spray is synthetic, but it is basically pepper spray.

Oh, it must be already ground, is it?

What?

Well, there can't be, like, a grinder in the can, surely?

It's a jet of liquid, it's not pepper like salt and pepper.

Yeah. Yeah, I... Yeah, I know. No, you didn't.

You... You...

You thought it was pepper like you sprinkle on your avocado.

Sorry, I actually didn't.

Yeah, you thought you'd have to get it

about six inches from someone's nose.

No, I didn't. Make 'em sneeze a bit.

I'm not stupid, oh, my God. DAZ LAUGHS

It was a joke. What?

Is there a grinder in the can? I mean, come on.

WHOOSHES, LAUGHTER Yeah, duh.

Hey, don't "duh" me.

LAUGHTER STOPS Don't.

Did you "duh" me? No.

I was just saying Der... mot O'Leary.

Why? Because you really remind me of him.

I actually think he's very good looking.

DAZ CHUCKLES Fair enough.

This is painful. Nice.

I will just example you how it will be used.

An officer will adopt a good strong, stable firing stance.

And I'm gonna fire it, short, sharp bursts.

Spray!

Ugh, instant boner.

Urgh!

PAVA spray is a tactical option,

for instance if the subject has got a bat in his hand.

Why would he have a bat in his hand?

Well, to hit ya. Oh, right, like a big baseball bat.

Well, yeah. What did you think, a ping-pong bat?

No, I thought you meant, like, them bats you get in caves.

For fuck's sake, mate.

Right, who wants a go?

How about you, sugar tits? Have to tell Mike he's lost his bird.

Clearly fancies me, don't she, eh? DAZ LAUGHS

Come on, big boy. All right, come on, then.

Smart arse.

Let's see how smart you are when the action kicks off, yeah?

Spray the dummy.

Ooh...

What you doing? Following orders. Duh.

DAZ SCREAMS

Ooh...

Oh, shit.

Oh, how did it go?

Not that I am supposed to know, erm, or am I?

I can't remember.

OK, Bobster. Bobster.

I got her hammered, and she was very loose-lipped,

and horrible, and I made a list.

Superintendent Spry has a sluggish bowel

and can go seven days without a movement. Mm.

She uses the windscreen wipers too often,

claps when the aeroplane lands.

Refused to pick up their dog's poos,

and lies to homeless people about having no change.

That's a lot.

She came up with 93... 93!

...of these. At that point, yeah, she got a bit maudlin.

I had to walk her home, there were some tears, some anger.

Yeah. Some fumbling with dungarees.

"Dungareeseses." What is the point of them?

Now, regarding the plan to release all of this to the public,

well, there's good news and there's bad news.

Right, what's the good news? Tend to prefer that.

Superintendent Spry clearly has a vindictive streak

a mile wider than we already thought,

and will stop at nothing to get her way.

If I put even half of this on social media,

well, she'll be cancelled.

And the bad news?

Superintendent Spry clearly has a vindictive streak

a mile wider than we already thought,

and will stop at nothing to get her way.

Mm, well.

We'd end up as a pile of gnawed bones.

I don't want to be a pile of gnawed bones. No.

So... So, plan B, then? That was plan B.

Plan...

COUGHS ...C?

Well, I suppose we just rely on institutionalised sexism

and hope she doesn't get a promotion

because women are too emotional and just generally a bit weedy.

Right, oh, well, fingers crossed. Yeah.

GASPS

HEAVY BREATHING

GASPING, GROANING

If you're trying to impress me, Daz, it's not working.

Right, well, it is a bit, but it's not appropriate.

Ah, little bitch.

You can't talk to me like that,

I'm the only reason this place doesn't fall apart.

Not you. Legland. PHONE CHIMES

Oh, God, it's Catherine. Who's Catherine?

Superintendent Spry's ex.

She's in love with me,

and she thinks we should start a new life together in Anglesey.

Oh, Anglesey's all right.

It may well be, it's the other bits I have a slight problem with.

Well, pie her off, then. Well, I've tried hinting.

Say her minge stinks. That's what I do.

Not with Catherine, just in these situations generally.

"Catherine, this may sound strange"

"as I've never been near your nether regions, but..."

You wanted to see me,

and presumably it's about arranging a threesome.

Ah, come in, Legland. We have breaking news.

Ooh, have they released new dates for Taylor Swift?

Here's the thing... Yes!

We were OK with the cheeky chap pie. Oh, cheeky.

Class clown. Even the open abuse.

We could overlook all of that, given your family ties.

Well, my dad does have a fantastic paisley patterned cravat.

You found a way around us.

Don't tell me I've outwitted the UK's top law enforcement duo?

Being a little shit is one thing, Legland, but this -

this, I'm afraid, is quite another.

OK. To be fair, I was a bit inept. I'm not the only guilty of that.

Huggins isn't doing it deliberately, though, is he?

Meant Bob, but whatever. I have got ears.

It was assault. There you go.

I don't want that.

If you do your job recklessly, you put your own life in danger,

which personally, I'd be quite happy about,

but more importantly,

you put the public and your fellow officers at risk,

and that I cannot have.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you're out of here.

Finished. Expelled. Seriously?

Oh, hang on, I can say, "You're fired."

I've spoken to your parents, they understand,

and they've left it all to my discretion.

OK. Well, brilliant.

Look, you have made a young boy's dream come true.

My pleasure. Oh, so do we hug? Is that...?

No, just leave your uniform, warrant card, kit.

And say your goodbyes. Sure. Goodbye.

Bye. Love you.

Love you too. No, I don't.

Oh, fucking hell, Bob.

What's going on? What happened?

I'm going. Going home?

Nope. Er, yes, but I'm not coming in tomorrow.

Oh, what, you got a day off? No, I'm taking every day off.

Nah, you can't take every day off, you wanker, you'll fail.

No, I won't fail, cos I'm no longer taking part. You wanker.

But what does that mean? It means someone who masturbates.

No, how come you won't be taking part?

I'm off the training course. It's game over.

Is it really? Yep, Geeta, it is.

You can't just go, man, seriously.

Can't stand the heat on the street, I guess.

Listen, you may have noticed,

I've been trying to bunk off since day one, so...

Goodbye, then, man. I'm gonna miss you.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too, man.

I won't see you.

Hey, look, you know,

maybe you can arrest me sometime when you're qualified.

That sounds really nice.

Does, doesn't it? Thanks, mate.

Well, have a good life, I suppose. No hard feelings.

God, no. Mm.

Mm. We're not so different, you and me.

This is something that you really wanna do, and I don't.

So, we are quite different. Yeah.

Geeta, bye. We'll see.

What do you mean, we'll see? Right, stop it, just stop.

STAMMERS You do the thing that you do...

I'm not doing anything. OK.

Well, thank you for always being the smartest one in the room.

Er, 'scuse me.

Yeah, er, sorry, no offence.

OK. Goodbye, then.

Not sure who's gonna insult me now. I'm sure you'll find someone.

Girl like you.

Yeah, but no-one's quite as obnoxious as you are, though.

No, I know.

What?

CHOKING

SIGHS

Your flies are undone.

Correctly operated trouser openings

are a sign of correctly functioning brain, my father used to say.

Oh, was he in the force? No, he was a wrestler.

Oh, cool. What does your father do?

Mm-hm?

Your father, what does he do? I haven't got one.

Mother? No, I haven't got one.

Adopted? No, nothing.

Well, who brought you up then, the fairies? A she-wolf?

Just... Just me, mainly.

Ah, self-raising. Like the flour.

PAUL CHUCKLES Yeah. Flour man.

Mm. Anyway, enough of this drivel, places to be.

Of course, you're meeting Wendy Wax at 6.30. Enjoy.

How the hell do you know that?

Well, you... You told me that, obviously.

I told one of my young male student officers about my pubic grooming?

Yeah, and that young little officer was me.

Has somebody been reading my diary?

No. What... What's... Whose diary?

My diary that I keep in my private drawer in the office.

Ah, maybe it was... was it that...

oh, maybe it was lying about or something?

Yeah, only it wasn't.

Well, we're gonna have to disagree to disagree.

Question is, why would somebody be rooting around in my drawers?

Do you need an answer right away?

No. You're all right, Huggins. OK, good.

I've heard all I need to hear.

Oh, glad we sorted that out, my man. CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

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