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1
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,956
Step away from the
vehicle. Piss off.
2
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,316
I'm asking you nicely,
step away from the vehicle.
3
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:10,956
Yeah? Says who?
4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,476
I'm an off-duty police
officer. Bullshit.
5
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,956
Well, I'm an off-duty student
officer undergoing police training,
6
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,956
but I have the power
to render you immobile,
7
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,956
so step away from the
vehicle now, please. No way.
8
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,956
My dad's away for
two days, Humza.
9
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,956
Yeah, and he told me not to
let you near the big car,
10
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,796
so you can forget it.
11
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,956
So you get to drive it, and you're
younger than me. I hate you.
12
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,956
I hate you, and I hate your
brothers, and I hate Dad.
13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:36,956
Well, that's hate speech.
14
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,956
Oh, I'm gonna call
the police. HE LAUGHS
15
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:40,960
Prick.
16
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:56,956
Yeah? Ooh, Bob, sir.
17
00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,476
I've got an email for you from
HQ about curriculum updates.
18
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,316
Lovely, ping it
over to me. Ping!
19
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:05,956
And then a text from Amazon that
your delivery is slightly delayed
20
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,156
but it should be with
you on Thursday. Ping!
21
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,956
Actually, Melanie, I'm
gonna stop you there,
22
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,956
because a phone text alert
23
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,956
really isn't a ping
so much as a "ploof".
24
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,956
Ploof. It's just "ploof".
25
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:18,956
Ploof.
26
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,956
PHONE TEXT ALERT
Yeah, like that.
27
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,956
Hm. "Hi, Dad. Phone's
broken, urgently need money."
28
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,956
"Please transfer £10,000
to my friend's account."
29
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:26,996
Oh, my God.
30
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,956
Pretty sure you haven't got any
kids, Bob. Oh. What a relief!
31
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,996
And, anyway, they don't really
count until Melanie prints them out.
32
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,476
And one last one.
33
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,956
"ID of recruit infiltrator will
increase chances of promotion."
34
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,956
Ploof! No - ploof. No,
it's an email. Ping!
35
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,956
Thank you. You know what
this means, don't you?
36
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,956
Y... No.
37
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,476
Whoever's first to pluck
the stinking pair of pants
38
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:49,956
from the bottom of
the linen basket
39
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,956
takes prime position at the
top of the laundry pile.
40
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,956
Ping, Bob. Ping. Ping.
41
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:56,956
SHE LAUGHS Ping.
42
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,000
Bet your arse, ping.
43
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,956
Wow, you's like a
shopkeeper, Geeta.
44
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,956
Who you calling a shopkeeper,
Paul? That's a can of worms.
45
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,956
What, they all got worms in 'em?
No, it's a energy drink, Paul.
46
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,316
Nitin, my eldest, got influenced
by a transgender lady off TikTok.
47
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,156
He's bought like a
hundred of 'em. A hundred?
48
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,956
That's loads, that's like...
49
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:20,956
hundreds.
50
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:21,956
And I'm not being funny, yeah,
51
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,956
but there's loads of perfectly nice
transgender girls at his school,
52
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,956
so why does he have to
support one off the internet
53
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,956
who's already a millionaire?
54
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,956
So, what, it gives
you, like, energy?
55
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,956
Ah, is this how you're gonna
get through the bleep test?
56
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,956
I'm gonna smash
the shit out of it.
57
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,956
Can I borrow some? Borrow?
58
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,956
Well, have. Knock yourself out,
there's like 76 of them at home.
59
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,956
Paul? Nah, you're
all right, Geeta.
60
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,040
I've got an energy allergy.
61
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:48,956
Here we go! BLEEP
62
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,956
All right, lovely,
lovely. Move!
63
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,960
I see you, Simon.
64
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,956
I just wanted to say,
yeah, about last night?
65
00:02:58,960 --> 00:02:59,956
Well done. You know?
66
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,956
You got the job done,
that's the main thing.
67
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,956
Got the job done? Yeah.
68
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,796
You know, now I'm 100%
non-virgin, no grey areas.
69
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,956
OK. Do you want me to
sign a certificate?
70
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,960
OK, next group, please!
Oh, that's my go. So, er...
71
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,800
Thanks for sex.
Oh, my pleasure.
72
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,476
You OK, Chabra? Yeah,
just feel a bit sick, sir.
73
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,956
You been talking to Leggo?
That does it for me.
74
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,956
It's OK, yeah, I don't expect
any of you to match my UK record.
75
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:26,956
HE CHUCKLES
76
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,476
You did really well, Geeta.
77
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,956
Don't patronise me, Afia.
We all know you got ten.
78
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,956
OK, wow. Who pissed on
your paratha? Keep going!
79
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,956
Sorry, I'm just...
Perseverance!
80
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:36,956
I'm in a bit of a funny mood.
81
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,956
It's like...
82
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,316
I wanna bite someone's face
off, but I also wanna eat mud.
83
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,956
It's almost as if...
You've got rabies.
84
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,996
No, those are classic
pregnancy symptoms.
85
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,956
It can't be that. I mean, I don't
even know how that could happen.
86
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,956
Well, that's a great big lie
cos you've got about 20 kids.
87
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,316
Shut your fat
mouth for once, OK?
88
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,956
She better have a hormonal excuse,
talking to me like that. Keep going!
89
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,636
Although she's probably too old
to get pregnant, to be fair. Yeah.
90
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,956
"She" is 42. Yeah, but old people
don't have much sex, do they?
91
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:03,956
Mm. I'm 42.
92
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,956
And I don't want
any more babies, OK?
93
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,956
This isn't babies time,
this is Geeta time.
94
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,956
OK, calm down. You said it
yourself, it couldn't happen.
95
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,960
You're right, there's no
way I could be pregnant.
96
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:17,956
SHE RETCHES
97
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,956
Ugh...
98
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,960
Oh, what a shame, that
was such a nice bag.
99
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,956
Ah, you two. A short
progress report report.
100
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,956
Huggins, you have the mental and
physical scores of an unborn child.
101
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,956
Oh, cool. Or even
that of a lazy sperm.
102
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,316
Are you a lazy sperm? No, sir.
103
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,956
Yours are even worse. Thank
you very much. I do try.
104
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:45,956
You are dangerously close to
finding yourself in aisle six.
105
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,956
The yellow sticker food aisle,
damaged food, discontinued food,
106
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,956
sell-by-date imminent,
shelf life nil.
107
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,636
Am I making myself clear?
108
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,996
No. You are this close
to being thrown out.
109
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,956
Ah, finally! Not you.
110
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,956
But we're getting
the same scores.
111
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,956
I'm just as useless. Oh, dear.
112
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,956
Life just isn't fair, is it?
113
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,640
SHE MOCK-CRIES
114
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Isn't she lovely? Not really.
115
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:16,956
Hm...
116
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,956
Ah, Huggins!
117
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,156
Question for you. Me?
118
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,956
What might an
unconscious bias be?
119
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:28,316
OK, yeah, erm... so, it's like
when you're not being fair...
120
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:29,956
when you're asleep.
121
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,956
You're not asleep, Huggins,
you're just unaware.
122
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,956
Oh, he's doing his best, sir.
As we all are. We all are.
123
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,956
Should we not be discussing the
central issues in this module, sir?
124
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,956
Shouldn't you be telling us
about protected characteristics?
125
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:41,956
Yes, very good, and they are?
126
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:42,956
Race. Race.
127
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,956
Religion, sex, sexual orientation,
disabilities, it's right there.
128
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,956
Yes, let's boof.
Boof, thank you.
129
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,956
Er, yes, they're... They're
those... They are tho...
130
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,316
There they are. There. Mm.
131
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,476
Any more, from anyone? Age.
132
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,956
Ah-ha-ha. I knew
you'd get that one.
133
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,996
CLASS GROANS No,
no, not because...
134
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,956
No, there's no reason.
135
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,956
I didn't notice whether she's
older than anybody else,
136
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:03,996
or indeed younger.
137
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,796
I am older. Just to be clear.
138
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,956
Pfft. Pfft.
139
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,956
Don't care. Not
bothered. And, er...
140
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,636
Unconscious biases,
there are some more.
141
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,956
Er, pregnancy,
marriage-slash-civil partnership.
142
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,956
A bias against pregnancy?
Is that a thing?
143
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:25,476
Prejudices come in all kinds
of weird shapes and sizes.
144
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,956
Just like pregnancy.
145
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,956
Very insightful. I think CID
is the place for you, sir.
146
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,636
Thank you very much, yes.
Something that, erm...
147
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:33,960
Oh!
148
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,636
Hello, darlin'.
149
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,636
Hey, mate. Can't say that.
150
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,956
What? I can't say hello now?
151
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,956
You can say "hello", but
you can't say "darlin' ".
152
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,956
Especially like
that. Oh, yeah?
153
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,956
Mm-hm. And who's
gonna stop me?
154
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,956
Mr Wokey Cokey? Well...
155
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,156
He is. Nothing to do with me.
156
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,956
Oh. Thank you, Mike.
Well, it isn't.
157
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,956
I'm gonna nail you, my son.
158
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,956
Because do you know what
really gets on my tits?
159
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:58,996
Is it nipple clamps?
160
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,956
Neapolitanism.
161
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,956
Do you mean nepotism?
162
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,956
Cos if you do, I'm
telling Mummy and Daddy.
163
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,956
Oh, just leave him alone.
Oh, you what, love?
164
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,156
Do not call me love and do
not assault a student officer,
165
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,316
because I will report you
to the superintendent,
166
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,956
and not the idiot one.
167
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,476
As much as I want you to, it's
not worth slapping him, Daz.
168
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,956
Bang goes your probation, you'll
never get back on the streets.
169
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,956
Oh, that's the only reason
not worth slapping him?
170
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,960
Oh, yeah, and cos
slapping's "bad".
171
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:25,960
Ooh.
172
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:29,956
What did we do?
173
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,320
What? I can slap you.
174
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:37,956
I'm OK.
175
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,996
KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!
176
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,316
Oh, I already have.
Shall I, erm...?
177
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,956
Oh, erm... HE CLICKS TONGUE
178
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,956
No. No, it's fine.
It's fine, yeah.
179
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,956
So, what can I diddle you for?
180
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,956
Oh, erm, Superintendent Spry
has asked if you could take over
181
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,956
the Just and Unjust Use of
Powers workshop with B group?
182
00:07:58,960 --> 00:07:59,956
What? I've... I've only just...
183
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,156
And she's added... More?
184
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,956
"And better go in there yourself to
make sure he doesn't shit it up."
185
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:05,956
HE SIGHS
186
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,956
Right, right, er...
Is there a script?
187
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,956
Shall I just Google "just and unjust
use of powers" and print that off?
188
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,956
Would you, Melanie? Thank
you. Yes. Go Google!
189
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:16,960
Back in a jiffy.
190
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,480
Sir.
191
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,956
Improvise. Adapt.
192
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,156
Grapple. Throw.
193
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,960
HE YELLS
194
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,960
Go.
195
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,956
No, you can't throw me.
196
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,956
You're not that
heavy, are you? No.
197
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,960
You're what, maybe 5,000, 6,000kg?
I'm not a fucking elephant.
198
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,956
Sorry, I'm just really bad at
guessing weights. And ages.
199
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,796
I mean you're, what,
60 years old? I'm 42.
200
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,956
Oh, is that why I can't throw you?
Brittle bones. My nan has that.
201
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,636
And how old is she? 42.
202
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,956
Your nan is not 42. She looks
about the same age as you.
203
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,156
Yeah. No, you can't throw me.
204
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,956
Cos I might be pregnant.
205
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,956
Oh, my God, are you telling
me because I'm the father?
206
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:20,956
Have we had sex? No.
207
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,956
Well, then, you can't be the
father, can you? Chabra! Grapple.
208
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,956
Well, no, I've been accused of
being a father before. By a woman.
209
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,956
Turned out she weren't pregnant,
she just caught the menopause.
210
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,956
Similar symptoms.
Yeah, so I believe.
211
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,956
Plus, we had bottom sex.
Has to be fanny for a baby.
212
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:36,956
OK, thank you, Dr Ranj.
213
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:41,636
What are you two schoolgirls
yacking about over there? Throw her!
214
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,960
Quick, I'm gonna lie down,
pretend you threw me.
215
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:45,960
Yes!
216
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,956
I threw her, sir. Nice
one! How did you do that?
217
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:50,956
Oh, you know, I just...
218
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,956
kind of tossed her up in
the air, about 50ft, 60ft.
219
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,280
He's not great
with numbers, sir.
220
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,956
OK, so now I'm positive.
That you're not pregnant?
221
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,956
That I am pregnant. Oh, no.
222
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:05,956
You don't see that
as a positive?
223
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,996
No, I see it as a
great big fat negative.
224
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,796
Just look on the bright side.
There is no bright side.
225
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,156
I know, I'm just
trying to be positive.
226
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,956
Can you stop saying "positive"?
What you gonna do with it?
227
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,156
I dunno, take it to the park, make
things out of toilet roll tubes.
228
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,956
No, I mean keep it
or just flush it?
229
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:19,956
Steph! What? I didn't...
230
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,996
I'm gonna take the only
option available to me,
231
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,956
which is to ruin my police
career before it even started.
232
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,956
Yeah. Cruelly cut short.
Nipped in the bud.
233
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,956
Suffocated at birth. Is this
you being positive again?
234
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,956
Nah, I'm just trying
to agree with you.
235
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,156
Oh, well, don't.
It's depressing.
236
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,956
No, it's not. Yes, it is.
237
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,956
I was trying to disagree with
you in case that's any better.
238
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,960
Well, it's not!
All right? God.
239
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,956
You know, I liked you better
when you weren't pregnant.
240
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,800
Me too.
241
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,956
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Come.
242
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,956
I think Steph's
avoiding me. Yeah?
243
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,956
Claims she was going to the loo,
but she's been in there for ages.
244
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,996
Yeah, but ladies take
longer, though, innit?
245
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,956
You know, cos they can't whip it
out and then whip it back in again.
246
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,956
I mean, time-wise, Dev,
247
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,956
you've gotta compare it to us
having, like, a medium poo.
248
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,956
No, not like me and you together,
just, like, blokes in general.
249
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:10,956
STEPH SIGHS
250
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,956
My God, two weeks into
the course and pregnant.
251
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,960
What a nightmare.
Yeah. Gutted.
252
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,800
HE GASPS
253
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,956
They ain't best pleased.
What do you mean?
254
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,316
You deep-fried the flash drive.
255
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,956
And now word is you're going
to get thrown out of here.
256
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,956
You're a liability.
What, am I gonna be OK?
257
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,956
Please say yes. No.
258
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,796
Oh. I mean, depends whether
Roger the Scrote is full of shit.
259
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,476
But you won't know until the
tide comes in at about four.
260
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:59,156
But if he's not, you'll be hopping
around like a frog on a hot plate
261
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,636
until someone tells you
who knows what and when.
262
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,956
Either way, Roger the Scrote
says when the prune gets binned,
263
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,956
someone's gonna have
their eyes eaten by crabs.
264
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,956
Oh, Jesus. Speaking of which,
265
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,956
we've got a quite nice crab linguine
cacio e pepe this afternoon.
266
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:13,956
Want me to put some aside?
267
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,796
No, you're all right,
I've got... No?
268
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:16,960
Well, no...
269
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:22,996
Hi, Melanie. Can I just...?
270
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,956
Oh, it's fine, don't
knock or anything.
271
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,956
It's not like I could've
been naked in here.
272
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,956
Could you have
been naked in here?
273
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,956
Yes. Right.
274
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,956
Well, I'm just wondering what
the procedure was if I was, er...
275
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:35,956
I was pregnant? Oh, gosh!
276
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:36,956
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
277
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,796
Oh, I'm sorry, is this a
difficult conversation for you?
278
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,956
Oh, no, no, it's just paperwork,
it's more paperwork, that's all.
279
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,956
Right, so I wouldn't have to leave?
Oh, no, no, you could stay here.
280
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:46,956
It's fine. And then if you pass,
281
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,956
you could delay your start as an
actual officer, and that's fine.
282
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,956
Most stations have a creche
now, so... Ah, really?
283
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,956
No, obviously!
284
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,956
Well, good to know the service
is supportive of working mothers.
285
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:57,956
"The service, the service..."
286
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,996
It's ME that has to jump
through all of the hoops.
287
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,156
Take these forms.
288
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,476
Are these all for pregnancy?
Some of them are bound to be.
289
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,640
SHE SIGHS
290
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:09,956
Don't have it.
291
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,960
What? Nothing!
292
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,956
I don't see what the problem is.
She could just take a year off.
293
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,316
No, it's different for
older women, innit?
294
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,956
Like, what's one year for us is like
five for them. It's like dog years.
295
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,796
Oh, my God. No, I'm
just saying, like...
296
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,956
Geeta takes too much time off,
297
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,956
when she comes back, we're
all flying about in jet packs
298
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:36,956
and half the criminals
are holograms.
299
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,956
She's gonna have to retake
all the training modules.
300
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,956
I want you to do a training module
on how you think time works.
301
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,956
Good afternoon.
302
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,960
Thank you, Melanie.
HE CLEARS THROAT
303
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,956
"With great power comes
great responsibility.
304
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,960
"Spider-Man...
305
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,956
"Sp...
306
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,956
"Spider-Man knew this,
307
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,956
"because his Uncle Ben
told him as he lay dying,"
308
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:12,956
"shot by a mugger that Spider-Man
had let go earlier that very day."
309
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:13,956
Well, this is awful.
310
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,476
Actually, it could've been
Aunt May who said that
311
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,636
as she lay mortally wounded
by the Green Goblin.
312
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,956
Your Aunt May?
Spider-Man's Aunt May.
313
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,956
Although it depends which one.
314
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,956
Wh-Which Aunt May?
Which Spider-Man.
315
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:24,956
HE WHEEZES
316
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,956
What? There's more
than one Spider-Man?
317
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,996
Well, actually, sir, there's
a... Well, there's loads of them.
318
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,956
What? Yeah.
319
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,960
HE SCOFFS
320
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:41,960
Yes! Yes!
321
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,316
So, so, let me get this right,
322
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,156
th-the Green Goblin who
killed Tom Holland's Aunt May
323
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,956
was originally in the
Tobey Maguire films. Yes.
324
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,956
And the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man
appears in No Way Home,
325
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,636
alongside the... the
Tom Holland Spider-Man?
326
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,956
Yes, yes. And the Andrew
Garfield Spider-Man.
327
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,956
Well, what about the...
the cartoon version?
328
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,956
Those are from the Spiderverse
films, which are separate.
329
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,956
But part of the same continuity.
330
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,956
Yes, but all together, it
makes up the multiverse.
331
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:13,956
CLASS CHEERS
332
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,956
I mean, just, that is...
333
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,956
I mean just wow-ee-ow-wowee.
334
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,956
Doing that.
335
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,960
Doing, er, the power
and responsibility.
336
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,956
Actually, that does
about cover it. Yeah.
337
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:30,956
Well, go on, bugger off.
338
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,956
Don't wanna miss your
playtime or marching practice.
339
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,480
Pretty much the same thing.
340
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,956
Did you, erm... Did you
know about the multiverse?
341
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,956
Yes, yes, I know about
the, er, multiverse, Bob.
342
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,956
I did a special course.
There's a course?
343
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,960
No. No, there isn't.
I'm fucking with you.
344
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,956
Oh, you've a, erm... What?
345
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Nothing.
346
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:57,960
Hey. Steph.
347
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,636
Can I pull you for a
chat? Yeah. Go on, then.
348
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,956
Nah, we need to meet somewhere.
Why can't we just talk here?
349
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,956
Cos I wouldn't be
pulling you for a chat,
350
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:08,956
I'd be joining you
for a chat. And?
351
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,316
And that's not how they do
it on Love Island. Oh, right.
352
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,956
Shall we meet by the fire pit?
353
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,960
Oh, is there one? No. There
isn't a terrace either.
354
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,956
That bit out there?
OK, go on, then.
355
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,956
But come in, like,
five minutes. Yeah?
356
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960
So the other Islanders
don't get suspicious.
357
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:29,996
There you are.
358
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,956
Whoa, mate, you know if you
cram too much into your brain,
359
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:33,956
you know it can explode?
360
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,960
That's an old wives'
tale, actually.
361
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:38,956
I'm a lazy sperm.
362
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,956
Oh, come on, Paul. It's
a term of endearment.
363
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,956
I'm done, mate, I'm
gonna be out on my elbow.
364
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,956
Arse. No, it's true.
365
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,956
You heard her, I'm
gonna get chucked out.
366
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,996
Yeah, and I'm not.
Shit for both of us.
367
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,956
Well, my shit is
bigger than your shit.
368
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,956
Well, it's not all
about size, Paul.
369
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,956
You got colour, you got
texture, you got float ability.
370
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,956
We shouldn't tell anyone this,
371
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,956
but I wanna be honest with
you, mate, about who I am.
372
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,956
Right, are you vice president
of a European Central Bank? No.
373
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,956
No, course I'm not. Why
would you think that?
374
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,956
I dunno, just... Maybe
something about your haircut.
375
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,956
Oh.
376
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:12,960
The thing is, Leggo...
377
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:20,316
...I'm too scared to be a policeman,
and I'm too scared to be...
378
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,476
a criminal.
379
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:22,956
HE CHUCKLES
380
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,956
Well, you know, it's not
one or the other, mate.
381
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,956
Look, there's loads
of jobs in between.
382
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,956
You've got forklift
driver. Hairdresser, nurse.
383
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,956
Right, you want
my opinion? Mm.
384
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,316
You'll make a good cop.
385
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,956
I don't wanna be a cop, I don't
wanna do any of this shit.
386
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,636
Yeah, well, me neither.
387
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,960
I guess having you here sort
of makes it a bit better.
388
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,800
Ow. Thank you, mate.
389
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,156
What do you want? Mm?
390
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,956
We're Deph. What?
391
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,956
Dev and Steph, Deph.
Or Steph and Dev, Stev.
392
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,956
Probably better. And we can't
forget, there's three of us now.
393
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,956
Yeah? Our creation.
What's happening?
394
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,956
Hey there, little
guy. Little Dev.
395
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,956
Davina. Davina McCall.
396
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,956
My little baby girl-slash-boy. Oh,
what are you doing? Get off me.
397
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,956
What? I'm stepping up,
man. This is my moment.
398
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,956
I'm gonna stand by
you and the baby.
399
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,956
I'm not pregnant,
for fuck's sake.
400
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:13,956
But outside the toilet,
you said that...
401
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,956
That Geeta's having
a baby. What?
402
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,636
Like a surrogate? Oh, my God.
403
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,956
OK. All right, in a language
you're gonna understand... Yeah?
404
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,960
...I'm gonna recouple and I'm
pieing you off and it is what it is.
405
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,960
It is what it is? Yes.
406
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
It is what it is?
407
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,960
IMITATES SPIDER-MAN
408
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,956
God, I am pooped. Ugh.
409
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,956
No, not "I've pooped", I
am pooped. Oh, right, OK.
410
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,956
You should have the stuff Dev and
Geeta have been knocking back.
411
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,956
Here, knock yourself out.
Nitin's ordered another 500.
412
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,956
Will it help me cope
with Dev's insanity?
413
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,956
Nothing's that powerful. Nice
if you could actually read it.
414
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,956
It's all in gibberish. I
did two years of Cantonese.
415
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,956
Was that before or after you
designed the Large Hadron Collider?
416
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,956
OK. It says you should only
drink one can a week. One?
417
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,956
And keep away from
naked... People?
418
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,636
Oh, no, it's actually
flames. Oh, OK.
419
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,996
Erm... The name
translates as Slim Tool.
420
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,956
Slim Tool? Yeah, they named a
drink after you. How cool is that?
421
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,956
Well, actually, that
is my porn name. Erm...
422
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,956
Diet-aid drink contains HCG.
423
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,956
Oh, my God, Geeta.
SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE
424
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,956
Come again? SHE REPEATS WORD
425
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,040
That's a pregnancy hormone.
426
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,956
OK, I never thought
I'd say this, but...
427
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,316
I need Dev right now.
428
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,960
Have you got the spare
test? Oh, erm, yes.
429
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Good luck. Oi, you lot.
Have you seen Dev anywhere?
430
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:53,956
Erm, look, you know how yesterday,
I called you basic and desperate?
431
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,956
Did you? Well, maybe,
but I dunno, didn't...
432
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,476
I don't care. Doesn't bother
me at all. I don't care.
433
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,956
Well, I think it did, erm...
So, I wanna say that I'm sorry.
434
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:04,956
It was unfair.
435
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,956
All right, well...
436
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,956
I'm also sorry for calling you an
annoying little fucking dickhead.
437
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,156
HE SCOFFS
438
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,956
OK, you didn't
say that, did you?
439
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,636
Really? Maybe I didn't
say it out loud.
440
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,956
Well, in that case, I am
sorry for thinking it.
441
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,640
Mm. Well, apology accepted.
442
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,800
Slim Tool? Mm.
443
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,956
I'm gonna catch this
bastard gate-crasher,
444
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,956
and I'm gonna throw them out
on their cocky little arse.
445
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,956
That's the spirit.
446
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,476
Actually, no. Bosoms,
I was gonna do that.
447
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:46,956
Jesus, Bob.
448
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,956
You don't stand a
cat in hell's chance
449
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,316
of taking over from Cunningham.
450
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,956
I think you'll find this old
cat will do rather well in hell.
451
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,956
Mm, putting yourself
in the firing line,
452
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,956
just when old white men are
nobody's favourite demographic.
453
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,956
I don't wanna alarm you, Bob,
454
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,956
but they will be asking
what you have to offer.
455
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,956
I think you'll find I've...
456
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,636
Commendation. I've got...
457
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:09,956
I've got accommodation.
458
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:10,956
Commendation. Commendation.
459
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:11,956
So do I.
460
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,956
Don't know if I ever mentioned
it. Yes, you have mentioned it.
461
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,956
It involved a, er, crack
den fire, and then a rescue.
462
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,956
Yes, mine was also rescue-based,
but it involved a freezing river.
463
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,796
What did you
rescue, Bob? Babies.
464
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,956
Ooh! Two babies.
14 months apart.
465
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,996
They did say I would've got
a promotion there and then,
466
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,956
had they been twins...
467
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,796
But, you know, gotta work
with what you're given, so...
468
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:35,956
What did you rescue, Julie?
469
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,956
A dog. But the ceremony
was a really big deal,
470
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,796
and though the dog was
the guest of honour,
471
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,476
I was very much the
centre of attention.
472
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,160
And what happened
after the ceremony?
473
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,796
I ran over the dog. Oh...
474
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,956
Which is exactly
the kind of thing
475
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,956
I will be allowed to
do on a regular basis
476
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,960
once I am Chief Superintendent.
477
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,960
Well done, me. Mm.
478
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,956
Did you tell him why he
has to pee on the stick?
479
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,156
No, I didn't wanna
blind him with science.
480
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,956
Wouldn't take much, to be fair.
481
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,480
Oh, fuck!
482
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,956
Look, Geeta, look.
483
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,956
SHE GASPS It's positive.
484
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:20,956
Yay! Oh, get in.
485
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,956
Stop celebrating.
We're both pregnant.
486
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,956
And I can't have a baby.
No, you really can't.
487
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,996
I can't believe
there's even a chance
488
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,956
they might put you on the
streets. In my condition!
489
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:31,956
Dev, you're not pregnant.
490
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,956
I hope not, man,
I'm so stressed.
491
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:37,956
I mean, I've only done it once.
How fucking unlucky would that be?
492
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:38,956
Look! Get it away.
493
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,000
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