Original subtitles

you know what's mortifying?

smack is like the leisure suit of the nineties.

instead of wrecking dad's buick on prom night,

these little suburban fucks are copping habits.

and oding in the rec room.

and you're different because...

i never got to the prom.

traded my cummerbund for two bags and a rig.

do you even know why you did the shit that you did?

you ever read that interview with william burroughs.

where they asked him why he shot heroin?

he said, "so i can get up in the morning and shave."

yeah. so, it was like a grooming thing.

you kidding? i hated to shave,

but in hollywood, got to look your best.

louis prima: ♪ when you're smilin' ♪

♪ when you're smilin' ♪

♪ the whole world smiles at you ♪

♪ and when you're laughin' ♪

♪ oh, you're laughin' ♪

♪ mm, and the sun comes shining through ♪

you looked so moronic

in your little fast-food outfit.

yeah? well, believe it or not,

serving america's frozen fish needs

is not my primary calling.

i'm sorry, college boy.

where'd you go?

how can i help you?

um, let's see.

give me a fish sandwich with extra sauce.

you got that good sauce?

tartar?

yeah. yeah. tartar. gob it on there.

oh, yeah? so, what's your m. o., huh...

picking up ez burger boys at the drive-thru,

- getting them bounced out of rehab? - uh-huh.

hey, you guys still open?

hey...

you guys still open?

you're going the wrong way.

sorry.

do you have some matches?

i just need some matches.

- matches? - yeah.

yeah, sure. we keep them with the kiddie meals.

i'll get them.

hey, you're one of those rehab patients, aren't you?

what is it, whimpering wounds or something?

jesus.

whispering winds.

hey, it's obvious.

you're too darn sad-looking

just to be another retard in a pink visor.

it's red.

oh.

do you want to go have a cup of coffee?

you want me to go have a cup of coffee

with you right now?

yeah.

shit! shit!

wait. ggh!

all right.

oh, i wish i was high.

shit!

- agh! - sorry.

it's ok.

i've never done this straight before.

trust me, on smack, i was a real stud.

the first time anybody touched me after i got clean,

i thought, "jesus, that's why i needed drugs."

it was 7 years ago.

yeah. well, i got 92 days,

but who's counting, right?

so, what, did i get you in trouble?

it's no big thing.

besides, my three-month stretch of rehabilitative fry-cook therapy

was up tomorrow, anyway.

- i just missed the mugging. - the what?

you get a mug when you finish your stint.

right. i forgot that part.

anyway, i got to get back to l. a.

oh, goddamn, you're from l. a.?

i'm not, but i moved out there to pursue my art.

who says?

i want you to meet bessie.

man: that's where they kept mr. chompers.

- mr. chompers, like the puppet? - yeah.

why, are you a puppeteer?

yes. i'm a puppeteer. i'm a writer.

- you write that crap? - wrote.

oh, god, i get it.

you're, like, this angsty, arty, hemmingway type

who, like, sold out to hollywood,

hit the needle, and ended up in rehab.

you tv geeks don't do anything original, do you?

actually, the tv geek part

is just a little side effect.

i was getting a little too fucked up in new york,

so i thought,

"i'll move out to california

and get away from drugs."

so, you went to l. a. to get away from drugs.

that's pretty good.

i miscalculated.

hey, it's an honest mistake.

hey, i'm all about honesty.

so, you came out cold, or did you know somebody?

ugh...

why do you want to know all this?

well, really, there's only two things

you can do in a hotel room,

and we already did one of them,

more or less.

yeah. i sure showed you a good time, didn't i?

yeah, excellent.

come on. tell me.

well, i had this friend nicky

who was kind of a drug buddy from high school.

- careful, careful, careful. - this is great.

yeah. it is great, but this is a big machine.

i've never had a car before.

- this is excellent. - really? try it out, man.

give it a spin. try out the brakes.

come on!

he was one of those guys who was always scheming up.

shit that almost happened,

and i was popping so many of his pills,

it all sounded great.

well, he gave the script to a guy he plays golf with

who happens to have a lot of money... moe levine.

check it out. moe levine.

this guy moe levine read it.

he likes it. he loves it.

says he might want to put on the play.

ha ha! you fucking kidding me?

no. i am not kidding you. i am not kidding.

and you've just been keeping this under your hat?

he really wants to put it on?

he might. no. he seriously might.

- the play is the thing. - this is great, man.

what a day. what a day to be cruising around.

i think we made a fine choice.

i never had a car, man.

ok. so it's like boy meets chucklehead, and then what,

boy gets this terrific job

writing alien puppet sitcom?

well, it wasn't really that simple.

i kind of had to sleep my way to the middle.

really? you and nicky?

mm, no.

nicky and i drew the line at necking.

actually, he had this girlfriend

who had a girlfriend who needed a green card.

there's about 200 of these turkish fishermen

standing around on the dock,

and, because it's a holiday,

they were falling over drunk,

and i'm wearing these incredibly high heels

and holding this massive cake done up in the american flag.

sandra, what you're describing

sounds like a wonderful scene for jerry,

who's a pretty good writer.

i tell you, by the time i'd finished running that gauntlet,

i looked like i'd been cake wrestling.

vola, is my future husband always like this?

i mean, he can behave normally, right?

no, not really,

especially when benny has made a house call.

which he hasn't

because i don't associate with benny anymore.

you've made that clear, and i understood it.

- ask jerry. - who's benny?

vola: he's a prepubescent drug dealer.

what's this, heidegger? you a big fan of his?

well, i'm trying to get through it.

it's not exactly light summer reading.

yeah, but it's probably good for, like, plotlines

and character names, stuff like that, right?

have you seen "mr. chompers"?

i don't have a tv.

nicky: ooh, see what i mean?

this is like a good, like, give and take.

this is, like, she likes to bullshit, you like to bullshit.

- that's what i mean. - can i have the pipe?

can i have... yes. you may have the pipe.

it's over here, and then it's over here.

and then it's over there, and then it's over here.

great.

sandra: oh, jerry, you don't have to charm me.

we're only getting married on paper, you know?

you got to get a load of this. what is this outfit?

- this is like mad max here. - yeah.

what is this, leather?

actually, it's jewish leather.

it's designed for humiliation.

so, what do you think? she's ok.

she's ok. she's british.

what does that mean?

- means she's british. - she's cool.

you're gonna really dig her when you get to know her.

i don't want to know her, vola.

i'm just getting married to her.

i'm just saying she's nice.

yeah, if you got for that studied nonchalant brit type of thing.

suck my dick.

- how's it going? - wonderful.

you're girlfriend's face is two inches from my ass.

- i'm in seventh heaven. - congratulations.

hey, jerry, i didn't know you were a fiction writer.

- oh, nicky, what are you doing? - what?

she had the book, and i said that you were in it.

i'm not embarrassed about that. i'm proud of that. i'm not gonna back off from that.

you won an award for that. he won an award. he's a good writer.

you know, jerry, maybe you should come down and meet craig.

you know, we're always looking for new writers.

oh, on "mr. munchman"?

- "mr. chompers," actually, - right.

and we really do try to push the form, strange as it may sound.

well, i'm sure my "hustler" credentials

will just slip me right in the door there.

so, what are we doing here?

are we trying to plan a wedding, or what?

when you want to do this?

- what about now? - now?

- yeah. - right now?

there's an all-night chapel down on el dorado.

it'd be pretty cool.

that's right. there is. should we do that?

jerry, today is a good day to die.

woman: how much did she pay you?

- what? - to get married.

30,000.

- that's a lot of money. - mm-hmm.

did you love her?

occasionally.

did she love you?

hmm...

i think she saw us

as this potential hollywood power couple

in the making,

which is kind of like love.

woman: "mr. chompers." please hold.

so, do you feel different being married?

you know, we're gonna have to keep it professional in here, ok?

oh, ok.

sorry i'm late, but i was actually doing

the one part of this job that i enjoy.

i was meeting with a group of librarians

who want me to develop a mr. chompers literacy program.

this fella tests higher than barney.

i'm amazed.

it's really quite fantastic, jerry.

it's like craig has discovered

- some kind of untapped myth. - hmm.

jerry, sandra showed me some of your fiction and your awards,

and i have to say, powerful stuff,

almost too powerful.

i'm wondering if your mind can

function down on our level.

where would you like to take our little friend here?

what do you mean?

i'm sure you have some ideas for our loveable puppet.

i'd say fuck the loveable puppet.

this guy is a web-toed metaphor for the american dream gone bad.

i see mr. chompers as a modern-day tom joad.

woman: she's in a meeting right now.

can i take a message?

i grew up in pacific grove.

i hung out on cannery row.

have you ever been there, sandra?

no, i don't think so.

i started reading... what's his name?

- steinbeck. - steinbeck when i was nine.

- i like this. - the little guy.

the little guy, everyman, the tramp.

i like this. the defender of the common man.

gandhi. it's going too far.

this could seriously reshape the second-season bible, sandra.

here's a piece of shit, jerry.

i wrote it and rewrote it, but it ain't working.

if you can make that work, you're on, okay?

okay.

sandra, get me a copy of "grapes of wrath."

jerry, good meeting you.

jerry: so, now i got to rewrite craig's piece of shit,

and i'm sleeping on nicky's couch.

woman: were you getting high?

maintenance, you know?

enough pot to blind an ox.

and whatever else was laying around.

hello?

mom...

mom, this isn't the bank. this is jerry in california.

you called me, mom.

ok. all right. fine, mom. are you ok?

mom, are you ok?

ok. mom? i really mean this.

i have to go. i hope you have a wonderful day.

good-bye, mom. mom, good-bye.

man: suicide is one of the great mysteries of our time.

when warren stahl took his own life,

he took a part of us with him.

woman: god, baby, that's at such a formative age.

man: oh, a terrible, terrible waste.

i mean, he achieved so much.

oh, god! he hates me.

i am steel. steel feels nothing.

why, warren?

why did you leave me with them?

they hate me.

we don't hate you, mom.

correct me if i'm wrong, brad,

but isn't it illegal to name a cat warren in this state?

i want to go, too.

so, what do you think?

it's really weird.

i wrote that, like, 10 days ago.

i think you should be really proud.

hmm, "proud" isn't the first word

that comes to mind.

you know, i think i've had a crush on you

since the first time i met you.

woman: doesn't sound like she was too bad.

jerry: she was beautiful, she was witty,

and she had no idea who i really was.

did you know who she really was?

i'll be right back.

- what are you doing? - hang on.

are you ok?

woman: don't tell me. not the medicine cabinet.

jerry: oh, yeah. by then, i was a pro.

you know the old cough-and-flush technique?

cough when you open, flush when you shut it.

sandra: jerry, are you ok?

yeah. i'm fine.

jerry: works pretty good unless you forget to put back the drugs.

then you have to flush twice and plead bad plumbing.

you know, i think that was probably one of the best episodes

we've had this series.

really? hoo, that's kind of a scary thought.

do you want to stay the night?

no. i don't think so. i'm gonna head home.

it's getting kind of late, and i got to get up tomorrow,

all that... stuff.

jerry, i've had an idea.

you haven't found anywhere to live yet, have you?

uh, no.

not really too good at looking for places.

i'm much better moving out.

well, i was just thinking that, you know,

it could really help my green card situation

if we lived under the same roof.

you know, i've got this spare bedroom

that i never go into which you could work in

undisturbed all day, as i'd be at work.

obviously, i don't mean "moving in" moving in.

right. the only thing is, there's actually this guy

who i have kind of gone down the road with on a place,

and i feel like i'd be kind of leaving him

in the lurch if i just...

you know what i mean?

thanks. bye.

jerry...

yeah. i can't...

i don't even know how to talk about this right now.

i'm, like, still spinning from that,

and it was...

i mean, i don't even have a driver's license yet, ok?

that's where i'm at, so...

but i'm just gonna...

i'm gonna let myself out, all right?

you didn't have a driver's license?

jerry: i didn't have a wallet, and i was making five grand a week.

all that money, what about the swimming pools

and doing coke in limos all night?

try sleeping on nicky's couch,

eating his painkillers,

and driving a '76 caddy.

mose allison; ♪ well, a young man ♪

♪ ain't nothin' in this world these days ♪

♪ well, a young man... ♪

where are my pills? where the fuck are my pills?

- what are you talking about? - benny's percodan, they're gone.

what did i do with them?

did i put them in there? did i misplace them?

- you keep them in this thing? - yes.

no. they're not in there.

i mean, i don't know what i could've done.

- did i put them here? - all right.

well, first of all, they couldn't have just gotten up and walked away.

let's find them, man, all right?

let's scour the house. you take that side. i'll take here.

ok. scour, but, i mean, be thorough

because i want you to go through all that stuff.

they got to be around here somewhere.

could vola have taken them?

is that possible that vola could've taken my drugs?

i doubt vola would do that.

i seriously doubt she would do it,

but i don't know her as well as you do.

i don't want to rush to judgment.

just keep looking.

where the fuck are my drugs, man?

- this... - nicky. nicky.

- nicky! - what?

chill out for a second. close your eyes.

visualize the last time you remember

actually seeing the pills.

if i was percodan, where would i be?

bathroom maybe?

bath...

that's so obvious, it could work.

i'll check the rest of the room in here, okay?

i'm on it in here.

you know, it couldn't just walk away.

- any luck? - no. what about you?

- nope. - keep looking.

oh, you can stop looking, jerry.

you're not gonna find anything.

diagram of a scam.

diagram of a scam. sit down.

sit down, jerry.

what are you talking about?

i'll tell you what i'm talking about.

diagram of a scam. let me lay it out for you.

- okay, nicky. first of all... - okay. excuse me.

let me finish this. you and i go out.

little benny, innocent little benny,

comes in, steals the drugs,

makes out, is right now high as a kite. we got to talk to him.

- that little fucker benny. - that little fucker.

he, like, sees his angle, and he plays it.

you know, i've always had a weird feeling about that kid.

well, i mean, slow down a little bit

because he's a good friend.

- nicky, he's 12 years old. - yeah. right.

you're right. you're right. he should know better.

woman on answering machine: this is a message for jerry. i'm his sister.

jerry, you...

you better call me. you have to come...

well, come back to pittsburgh.

mommy died. she, uh...

♪ take your time ♪

♪ back up a little bit ♪

♪ come on now, people ♪

♪ get yourselves out of it ♪

woman: so, what happened?

you went back to sandra?

jerry: no. i was sentimental after cleaning up mom's blood,

so i went to a bar when i got back to l. a.

man on tv: with los angeles holding a one-point lead.

at 15-14, we'll be right back.

different man on tv: sunday, mr. chompers has got a new pet.

mr. chompers: brad, meet bessie.

what a divine bovine.

turn it off, joe. it's not funny.

jerry: she hated "mr. chompers," which turned me on immediately.

i'm jerry.

dagmar...

from dresden.

jerry stahl.

stahl. stahl.

you know what "stahl" means in german?

it means jerry steel.

my husband would really like that.

- oh, yeah? - yeah.

why?

- his family makes steel. - oh.

oh, what family is that?

the krupps.

krupps? aren't they famous nazis, right?

mm.

you like it now?

special occasions.

i think this qualifies as a special occasion.

- kiss me. - what?

kiss me.

i'm being fucked by a jew!

- jerry, hi. - is it too late?

no. no. come in.

look. i heard about your mom.

i'm really sorry.

are you all right?

yeah.

you know how it is.

look. i've just made a cup of tea. i'll get you one.

why don't you just sit down, okay?

can i stay here?

can i stay here?

woman: you're seriously disturbed.

hmm? where are you going?

i'm going home.

come on. come back to bed.

god, you're a mess.

oh, well, yeah.

i knew we had something in common.

it took me everything i had, but i got clean.

yeah. i know, remember?

why, because you're, what, 50 days clean?

that's nothing. you're still a fucking junkie.

that's why you have to go back to rehab

and i have to go to work.

what are you afraid of?

i'm not afraid, jerry.

bullshit, you're out here completely alone

in the middle of fucking nowhere working some weird job.

when is the last time you actually had fun?

when's the last time you actually let yourself have a good time?

now, here, right? this is it.

now, right, the last day, and it just freaks you out.

- you are totally afraid. - and you're so fucking intimate.

fuck?

what?

i don't even know your name.

my name is kitty.

kitty?

is that funny?

no. i just...

i didn't take you for a kitty, but...

- what? - kitty. aww.

- what? - kitty.

- kitty. - kitty.

- kitty. - ohh...

mm, i got to go.

you can't leave now. you'll miss the best part.

by now, sandra and i were deep into the charade.

whoops, sorry. dropped the iron.

i'll give you a typical day.

she wakes up at 7:00, heads to work.

jerry, i've got to go now.

jerry, i've got to...

no. oh.

jerry: two hours later,

i slime out of bed and start my regimen.

i wake up, uncross my eyes.

all right, ow!

♪ wheat grass, wheat grass ♪

little wheat grass because healthy eating is my life.

then it's outside for a five-mile jog.

kitty: wait a minute.

you'd shoot heroin and run five miles?

hey, i was an l. a. junkie. i had to stay fit.

then it was off to beverly hills.

to crank out the snappy patter.

hello.

jerry, my god, where have you been?

did you read my notes?

no, craig. i did not read the notes because i just got here,

but i'd be happy to read them immediately.

ok. it's obviously a logistical, not a creative, problem.

please.

hello, jerry. this show sucks.

and you're the only motherfucker that can help us.

he's freaking me out, craig.

he's freaking me out with the puppet.

ok. we start the first act with a flashback

to see mr. chompers seeing brad and katie having their first fight,

only we age katie and brad back five years

and then begin the second act exactly the same way.

we have little mr. chompers here goading everybody on.

ah, ah, he goes to the freezer...

come on, man. give it to me. give it to me.

ok, to repair an orandalan flesh trans...

that's good. i like that. i love that.

it's better. jerry, dig in.

you're gonna have to walk him through it.

i got to call the network.

- i got to pee. - have a good pee.

jerry: then i'd leave the office, hop in the caddy,

turn on some twisted talk radio...

hollywood, the only town in america.

with a 24-hour self-help station...

shoot back across town to east l. a...

not too much traffic headed in that direction...

just in time to hook up with my regular connection.

and surrogate family dita and her son miguel.

aw, jerry, man, you didn't have to do that.

hey, i'm jewish. i never got to do this when i was a kid.

miguel: you didn't have a christmas tree? how come?

ayudarlo. ayudarlo.

you heard of the jews, miguel, right?

yeah. so what?

don't worry. we'll talk about it later.

so, how's miguel doing in school?

- he's doing good. - yeah?

oh, he could do better.

does he do his homework every night?

yeah, but he could apply himself a little more.

when you say, "apply himself,"

what do you mean?

he could get better grades. he's smarter than that.

smart kid, i'm telling you.

i know, but he doesn't help me around the house.

i need help. this place is too big.

he needs, like, you know, like, a father figure.

he don't need no father. he got me.

you know, maybe i should, like, take him

to a ball game sometime or something...

yeah, right.

you know, just pal around with him.

oh, he's just like his father.

he eats, and he eats, and he never gets fat.

where does it all go?

are you hungry?

got a little schnauzer down there?

- you want a tomato? - tomato?

- is it organic? - yeah.

fresh off the produce truck.

oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. no.

never mind. i'm not hungry.

jerry only eats healthy.

tomatoes are healthy.

soaked in chemicals, amigo.

ha ha ha!

ho ho. ho ho. oh.

hey, jerry, aren't you supposed to be going?

excuse me, sir. ticket.

- hey. - jerry, what happened?

my bad. my bad.

i was caught in this amazing writing groove.

i was in this writing heaven

for, like, i don't know how long,

and i totally lost track of everything.

i mean, i was on mars, over the moon.

i mean, stuff was coming out of me.

it was like i was channeling strenberg or something

but, like, a funny version of it,

and i zoned.

- i'm jana farmer. - hey. hey.

i tried calling the house, jerry.

i know. that phone, okay, the ringer's fucked...

excuse my language, but it's really...

and this place... am i crazy?

this place used to be on la brea

because i'm driving up, um, la brea,

and it's not there anymore,

and then the guy tells me that it's over here.

anyway, i'm really sorry we didn't get a chance,

- you know, to eat and... - you hungry?

because the chef is doing a curbside thing now.

you can just pull the car up,

and he'll run out with an arugula shake or something.

- are you being... ha ha ha! - ooh! yeah.

not hungry.

jana is a good friend of mine, jerry,

and she's read your work, and she likes it.

oh, i love it. i love your work.

i think you're a tremendous writer.

oh, no. i'm not a tremendous writer.

i hear you are a fantastic agent.

and i'm not just blowing smoke up your crack.

i mean, sandra tells me the real deal on this shit.

she says that among your peers,

you're considered the best agent in the world.

well, i'm glad you've heard that

because i'd love to represent you.

i think you've got a huge career ahead of you.

oh, i'll fuck it up, give me a chance.

not if i have anything to say about it, listen.

i regret we didn't get a chance to talk over dinner,

but i'm gonna give you my card.

i want you to call me tomorrow.

i'm serious about this.

i'm blown away. i mean, this is...

thank you. thank you very much.

why, that's very european of you. thank you.

is this, like, an east indian thing or...

you know, i really don't know from whence it comes.

i'll meet you by the car, okay?

- hey... - nice meeting you.

it was wonderful meeting you.

she's wonderful.

you know, jana is gonna take me home,

so i'll see you later.

is everything cool?

let's talk about it later, okay?

all right, sweetie.

so, what's an agent do?

jerry: oh, how can you eat that crap?

- it's so bad for you. - right.

this from a man who shot up black tar

- smuggled across the border in people's asses. - yeah.

well, at least there's no msg.

so, you get this agent, and then what?

get a great gig, huge advance,

blow all of it on dope,

and cop a habit the size of utah.

- oh, god. - hey!

don't you knock, huh?

i'm trying to get dressed here.

- can i talk to you for a minute, please? - yeah.

i'm sorry about this.

it's just been crazy lately,

you know, with the show and the play,

with nicky, and, you know, it's just...

this is so weird.

it's, like, a whole, you know, new thing for me,

making more money than my dad.

- jerry, craig is firing you. - what?

he's getting rid of you tomorrow.

that's imp...

i saved his ass last month. that's bullshit.

he likes you.

he just can't work with you anymore.

you're always late, you're erratic,

and you're always high.

did he say that?

did he say erratic, or is that you, like,

- putting a little spin on it or something, huh? - no.

my words would be very different.

yeah? what does that mean?

what are your words? what would your words be, huh?

you know, you are so full of self-hatred

that you cannot contain it,

so all you do is just shoot it back into your veins

and let it spill out onto everybody else.

that's really poetic. that's really great.

can i use that sometime?

yeah, if you're ever in a fit-enough state to write another line.

ok. could i have, like, two seconds here to...

there's a party going on out here, you know?

it's a really cool play.

jerry wrote it three years ago,

but it's 50% avant pop...

it's hard to describe because it's 50% avant pop,

50% sam shepard meets arthur c. clarke.

we spoon-fed it to him, and now i hear

he's going all around town pitching our idea

back to all the networks.

i mean, how could he do that?

that guy is slime.

i mean, he actually has his secretaries write his scripts for him.

what i'm saying is, it's very difficult

to come to these parties, right,

and everybody is talking about work.

what, they don't have a fucking life, you know?

i'd like to think that i have a really rich civilian life.

i'd like to think you do, too, you know?

most definitely, yeah.

so, tell me, what are your passions?

my passions?

everything i do.

- everything? - yeah.

hey, would you excuse me for a second?

no. i won't. i won't.

you blew me off for dinner. you don't call me. i gave you my card.

you're now obligated to stand here and give me five minutes.

you're coming back, right?

10% naked girls... jerry, of course.

jerry, jerry, jerry, jerry, tell her how great the play is.

it's great.

tell me about your improv group that you're in.

what is that like?

so, have you met jerry yet?

- no. is he here? - oh, yes, yes.

he's here, but he's really shy.

he's probably sort of, you know, hiding in a corner somewhere.

busy.

mr. chompers: hey, jerry, let me in, will you?

come on. open the door.

- mr. chompers. - don't be an asshole. come on.

nobody could write the shit you write straight.

you owe me a taste.

damn it! let me in! this isn't funny.

no wonder you don't write for me anymore.

you don't understand the basics of comedy...

- fucking junkie. - aah! no!

get the...

aah!

damn it, let me in, you...

aah! aah!

gaah! gaah!

what was that sound,

the one that we came up with the other day,

that great sound?

it was like doot, doot, you know?

it wasn't that. i don't know.

jana: it's an amazing project.

it's very similar to "ace in the hole,".

but what it's lacking is someone with your kind of dark vision,

and at the end of the day, you know,

that's really all it needs to make it...

or maybe you could just read the coverage on it.

yeah.

are you coming back?

boy, you really paid your dues, huh?

you ever been to one of those parties?

are you kidding me?

me and george hamilton, man, we're like this.

well, it was getting to the point where i had to shoot

six bags to turn on the fucking typewriter.

by this point, dita couldn't keep up with my habit,

so some days, i had to improvise.

tom waits: ♪ he rolled a blade up in his trick towel ♪

♪ they slap their hands against the wall ♪

♪ you never trip, you never stumble ♪

♪ he's walking spanish down the hall ♪

agh!

♪ or give him a spoon to dig a hole ♪

♪ what all he done ain't no one's business ♪

jeez, what have you done?

nothing. i just slipped at the gym.

it's not there, jerry.

well, where it is?

i threw it away.

oh, why'd you do that, huh?

jerry, i can't stand by and watch you do this to yourself.

yes, you can. it's not a big deal.

there's nothing in there.

listen. i'm sorry.

honey, i know this looks bad,

but really, it's worse than it seems.

i know, it's getting a little crazy, right?

i know that's what you're thinking,

but it's really gonna be fine.

i just need to quit

on my own schedule, and i'm gonna quit.

jerry, i can get you a job on "no such luck."

i know the producers.

i don't want to do that show.

it'll be great for you to do it.

i could do that. is that what you want, really?

i just want us to be happy.

i want us to be happy. that's all i want.

you are such a priority for me right now.

i mean, i know this sounds weird,

but i've never had a relationship with somebody...

do you want to do it?

yeah. i think i should.

the more i think about it, it seems like a really good idea.

i'm gonna call some rehab places tomorrow, okay?

oh, that's a good idea.

thank you.

i swear, this is just like gas

to get me to the hospital, you know?

i love you.

sandra said a lot of great things about you.

no, no, no, no, no. i read some of your "chompers" stuff.

you can write, no doubt about that,

but we're not doing a puppet show here.

i thought we were doing a puppet show.

no. it's not a puppet show.

- gary... - hey, darling.

hi.

hello.

i don't know if you've had a chance to read the script,

jerry, but pamela here has a couple of ideas

on where we should take it.

well, i hate my character.

i mean, it's not enough to say that i'm an attorney

or a judge or whatever and then just write me

as the typical love-starved single woman

who gets wet every time somebody asks her out for dinner.

ha ha ha! uh, absolutely.

this is kind of weird, happy accident.

my father was a federal appeals court judge for 20 years,

so i know what that's about...

the case that he puts the gavel in,

this little leather, blue-and-white, stitched thing;

you know, how he cleans the robes;

what he wears underneath, all right,

getting into that whole area.

but, you know, stuff like that,

the little minutiae, which is really

what gives it, you know, the life to it.

that's great. that's great.

that's great that you can bring

your life experience to this thing.

well, you know, that's how i work.

i mean, that's how, hopefully, everybody...

you know, that's the creative process, really.

you're just kind of...

have you seen the show?

have i seen the show? it's wonderful, wonderful stuff.

what you guys do with the show is...

i don't want to say art because that gets...

but kind of.

you know, i'd bring whatever i can bring to the table.

hopefully, it's helpful stuff, you know?

that's all i do, scott, is just...

no, no, no. gary.

- jerry. - gary.

i'm... you're gary. i know you're gary.

jerry, i got to make a couple of calls.

thanks for coming in, huh?

hey, man, you do your thing.

i'm a fly on the wall.

i have to make the calls right now.

make the calls right now. all right.

you be good.

take care, man.

- pamela... - okay, jerry.

- thanks for coming in, huh? - okay.

mind if i... indulge?

jerry...

you're easy to spot from a distance.

you've never seen my show.

hey, i'm sorry about in there.

you know, i was all... i think i got nervous.

bullshit.

i bet $50 i'd find track marks between your toes.

look. i said i was sorry, so...

don't be sorry, it's a shitty show.

but they're paying me an obscene amount of money,

which i need because everything i made when i was young,

i either drank away, snorted up my nose, or drove in the pool.

well, congratulations.

look. i want you to write for my show...

if you can get clean.

okay, but what about that gary?

oh, please.

if you fuck up, you won't exist.

man: any allergies to medication?

jerry: no.

taking any prescriptions drugs?

nope.

think you can kick?

excuse me?

methadone will get rid of the shakes,

but you're basically trading one habit for another

when you want to quit.

it's up to you.

well, that's very informative. thank you.

how long you been using?

a couple years.

you won't make it. it's a cycle.

probably be using again in a month,

then back here, et cetera, et cetera.

i'll start you off at 80 milligrams, 21-day detox...

show up here once a week and piss in a cup.

- any questions? - piss in a cup?

you don't sound very optimistic.

you want optimistic? some people make it.

some people end up dead.

good luck.

man: hey, what's up?

hey, man.

i'm gus.

hey, gus. jerry.

get your tang?

- tang? - yeah.

oh, yeah, yeah, right.

it's something, right, but it does the trick.

yeah, mm-hmm.

give me a second.

i only like dealing to my kind, you know what i mean?

these fucking niggers out here,

put a stench on their money.

put their money in your pocket, man.

and you got nigger stench all over your money.

come on, take a look at this, man.

this ain't the usual street shit.

this is gourmet.

uh, it's, you know, i can't, uh...

i can't. thanks, gus, but can't.

can't what?

i gotta, you know, i gotta try not...

gotta what, man?

try to shut the mother down, you know what i mean?

aw, come on. shut the mother down tomorrow.

look, man, this shit will put you through the roof.

thanks, man. i got to go.

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

what the fuck are you doing?

jesus, i'm only trying to fucking do you a solid here.

just relax, man.

don't be cheap, man.

how much?

slow, baby.

i can't breathe.

all right, keep breathing.

breathe.

i am.

ha ha!

oh, fuck, man.

look at my view, baby. hmm?

do you like my office?

look at my view, jerry.

fuck me.

jesus! what are you fucking doing?

ha ha!

come on, come on. get up.

♪ change my picture, smack my picture ♪

it's my turn.

♪ change my picture, smack my picture ♪

♪ change my picture, smack my picture ♪

♪ change my picture, smack my picture ♪

easy, easy!

♪ smack my picture. ♪

what, you going somewhere?

no. my kid's got pony lessons in a hour.

i'm here, though, i'm here.

you're right. you're absolutely correct.

it's great. write it down...

whoa!

you okay, jerry?

hi. yeah, i'm cool.

hey, can you do me a favor?

could you please get me a glass of water?

thank you very much.

sorry i'm late.

okay, so, where we at?

next season's notes.

okay, i really like the idea of breaking

the fourth wall in a new way.

i just... i'm a little concerned

that it's gonna get old before the season's over.

no, no, no. pam. thank you very much.

guy hates me, right?

let me tell you something,

have you ever seen "nosferatu"?

or, like, fritz lang's "m"?

okay, okay, all right, how about, like.

"the patty duke show"?

the first time i saw that thing,

it gave me nightmares for three nights.

the point is, realism...

is dead.

expressionism is where it's at,

you know what i'm talking about?

i don't know.

i'm just a product of public education.

i don't know what the hell you're talking about.

no. i think what jerry's trying to say is

he wants to express the emotions externally,

you know, like in a set, in music...

music, music, music. that's what it's about.

i'm talking about... why can't pamela just walk in one day,

belt it out and sing it.

just in the middle of a show, for no reason whatsoever.

we're talking it's you and bert, you and bert, boom, boom, boom.

and all of a sudden, boom, she pops out,

and she starts singing, okay?

i don't know what. she's doing, like, ethel merman,

♪ oh, i love a parade ♪

or something like that.

you turn around, and a swimming pool opens up below everybody,

and then we go right back into the scene,

we never even make any mention of it.

it's all unsaid. you know what that is?

you know what that shit is? that's hot.

kitty: so nobody could tell you were fucked up?

jerry: oh, no, i was fired immediately.

man: and a bear claw.

no, no.

you know, we took the kids to denny's last night.

my stomach flipped.

was it somebody's birthday?

jerry: of course, i didn't tell sandra.

you go there on your birthday,

and they give you a free meal.

jerry: but i wasn't worried.

i still took a lot of meetings.

unfortunately they were all with gus.

excuse me. did i summon you?

did i ask you to come over here?

just doing her job.

i'm trying to do my job.

this is where i do business.

well, she's doing her business 'cause she's a waitress.

i'll tell you what,

why don't you mind your own business.

well, why don't you mind your own business?

nyeh nyeh nyeh.

ha ha! look what i got you.

what's that?

dilaudid.

i don't want it.

put it away. might be undercover in here. put it away.

well, you just put it on the table.

i put it by the sugar.

all right.

put it away. you can afford it.

you're writing for that martian.

you're doing fine.

- wasn't from mars. - whatever.

taste my mouth.

who loves you, jerry?

you do, gus.

no, i can't stand you. telly savalas.

ha ha ha!

you don't get it.

"who loves you, baby?"

ha ha!

you know we have way too much in common.

this is never gonna work.

trust me, it's better in a motel than in a marriage.

hey.

hi.

you sick?

no.

why aren't you at work?

did you get fired for being too erratic?

you seem happy?

yes, i do have a little jaunt to my step, don't i?

actually, i've been promoted.

i've been made vp creative affairs.

wow. vice president of creative affairs is great.

it sounds like... what is that?

are you in charge of adultery or something like that?

that's wonderful.

thank you.

we should go celebrate.

no. i meant, thank you...

for everything you've done.

i know it hasn't been easy.

oh... yeah, well...

i'm pregnant.

what?

i'm pregnant.

i went to cedars yesterday and they confirmed it.

jerry?

get out!

i don't ever want to see you again!

go!

oh, please!

out! i don't want to see you ever again!

you have a baby?

nina.

that's a pretty name.

mmm...

did you ever see her?

no. i kinda got it together to go to the hospital

when she was being born, but...

oh!

why she wanted me there, i'll never know.

i'd been pretty much intoxicated the whole nine months.

sandra.

woman: fetal monitor.

i told you not to start this without me,

- didn't i? - oh!

okay, hold on!

how's she doing?

woman: she's one minute apart.

oh!

ah, i can feel the baby's head.

is everything ok?

put this on, please.

all right, this is short-sleeves, though.

it's regulation.

okay, can i... can i just wear my shirt?

i mean, this is very clean. it's...

hey, it's your baby coming.

if i was you, i'd hurry.

fuck.

jerry: hey.

congratulations. you have a baby girl.

oh, god, i missed it.

oh, baby.

oh, look at that.

hey... are you okay?

hmm? all right.

oh, i missed it. i'm sorry.

doctor: could i, uh. have a word with you?

- hmm? - one second.

excuse us.

baby all right?

baby's fine.

kitty: so what time's your bus?

leaves in an hour.

so what do you have back in l. a.?

nothing.

just my kid.

do you have a place to stay?

yeah, this christian rocker from rehab named buddy.

has got a studio in hollywood he said i could crash at.

you sure you want to go back?

uh-uh.

but, uh, you know, i figure...

for nina i should...

i want to be a part of that.

can you?

that's a good question.

you want to come with me and find out?

okay.

well, you want to get back in bed?

jesus, what is wrong with you?

whatever your parents did to you,

they sure gave you a pair of cast-iron balls,

i'll give 'em that much.

all right, just checking.

last chance for the old kosher joy ride.

ha ha.

well, can i call you?

sure. call me. why not?

i'm pretty sure that i fell in love with you.

that's a terrible thing to say to somebody.

oh.

okay.

okay.

♪ i want a free ride ♪

♪ just to see what it feels like ♪

♪ but even if it feels right ♪

kitty: you have a baby?

jerry: nina.

so you took care of her even when you were strung out?

amazingly enough, yeah.

until one night she called.

when i was jonesing like a lab rate.

sandra: jerry, listen, i really need your help.

kitty: and?

some stories you can tell.

some you spend the rest of your life.

trying to pretend they never happened.

sandra: absolutely no one to take care of nina.

well, can't you just take her with you?

no, i can't take her with me.

i'm meeting with the network all day.

and vola is working, my sister's out of town,

the fucking sitter has the flu.

ok, all right, i'll take her.

are you sure?

i mean, you're not getting high, are you?

you're ok?

yeah, i'm fine. i'm absolutely fine.

better be.

sandra: my plane lands at 11:00.

so i'll be with you around 12:00, okay?

12:00. okay.

- have you got any questions? - uh-uh.

you've got those instructions i gave you?

yeah. i got 'em right here.

jerry, you can't fuck this up. i'm really depending on you.

right. that'll... right. okay.

if anything happens at all,

you call me at the hotel, okay?

yeah.

be careful.

okay.

- where the fuck you been? - your directions sucked.

you got a baby?

shh!

come on, let me see the baby. what?

i'm not gonna wake her up.

what's the matter with you?

what is this, a club?

what? it's my friend's place.

i'm not gonna bring the baby in there.

of course you can't bring the baby in there.

give me the money. it's all set up. come on.

what are you talking about?

i'll be back in a flash. come on.

no, no. i don't... no.

what do you mean, no, no, no?

i'm not...

you know what? fuck you then. you don't trust me now?

okay...

you know what? you know what?

ok, you know what? here, okay.

thank you. jesus christ.

holy shit.

that's it. i'm out. i'm wiped out.

relax.

let the kid suck on your nipple, all right?

gus!

gus!

shit!

uh, is this steve-o?

this is... hi. i'm a friend of gus'.

and he told me to give you a call.

i'm actually trying to get in touch with him.

he said you might know where he's at.

i'm a friend of gus'.

he's... he's... no, no, no.

it's not bullshit. i'm a friend of his.

he just said if i was looking for him,

you'd know where he's at,

'cause we're supposed to get together right now.

no, no, no. i'm not a cop.

hello? i'm not a fucking cop, asshole.

fuck you.

ah!

come on.

fuck's that number?

yes!

i would like to make a collect call for steve-o

from gus.

- hey. - oh, jesus christ.

jerry, get out of here.

no, no, don't.

no, you look like shit.

um... i got you a muffin.

oh, no, no. jerry, you cannot come in here.

you cannot die here, man.

you got to have something. come on, please.

like a, you know, cotton, something here.

a muffin.

i know you like double chocolate.

aah!

what?

this is it. okay? this is it.

now, don't come back here no more, ok?

'cause i got a warrant on my ass!

woman, over radio: at 4 a. m.

stand up for you rights.

man, over radio: right here on your personal radio station,

k. y. t. a.

energy is the source.

nothing happens without energy.

and the more of it you have,

the more of your personal potential you're gonna tap into.

but see, energy's like the gas that drives the car in traffic.

you don't want to run out of emotional gas

when you're climbing the hill of success.

otherwise, you'll find yourself coasting back downhill.

and that's what happens to a lot of people.

how many of you, for example,

could remember a day when you woke up feeling really tired and lethargic?

how many can remember a day like that?

for some of you, it was recent.

now, when you wake up feeling really tired...

not usually the first thought, is it?

first thought, where is the coffee?

oh, my god, not another monday.

you know, when i came here to new york,

i got an education.

i first started coming here about two years ago.

i remember about my third trip in,

i came on a wednesday, you know, mid-week,

and i'm sitting in the back of the car here, right,

and i turn on the stereo...

comes on, he goes, all right, out there, ladies and gentlemen,

we made it! it's hump day!

you know what hump day is?

wednesday. yeah.

some people look at wednesday as hump day...

can you imagine if large numbers of people

spend five days out of every seven looking forward to only two of them?

some people live for two days out of every seven.

can you imagine living that way?

having such a boring, disgusting life

you look forward to two out of seven?

see, the bottom line is,

my monday is better than most people's christmases

'cause i've learned how to communicate with myself...

christ.

when was the last time you changed the baby?

well, you know how it is, officer...

kids...

i was just on my way right now to get a diaper.

can i see some license and registration?

keep it down.

wake the kid.

get out of the car, dumb shit. come on.

why don't you give social services a call.

we got a baby to pick up.

step to the front of the vehicle, please.

come on, watch your head.

when you visit the supermarket,

do you purchase canned dairy products every visit,

every other visit, or once in a while?

uh, good evening, sir.

i'm calling families like yours

to ask a couple of quick questions about your shopping practices.

do you visit the supermarket more than once a week or less?

well, i'm glad you're doing good.

sandra doesn't like to talk about you,

but, uh, i know you had a bad ride.

yeah, well, that's the best i've heard it put.

huh. as long as it's cool with sandra,

you can come by and see nina anytime you want.

i have a kid up in marin.

i know what it's like.

thanks.

hey, here they are.

hey, can you get a wipey?

she's got some ink or something on her face.

- yeah, sure. - thanks.

- hey. - give me a minute, okay?

let me get her cleaned up.

she's a bit of a mess.

she's not a mess. she's beautiful.

she's a beautiful mess.

she's getting into everything at the moment.

can i hold her?

yeah, sure.

here. it's okay. good girl. good girl.

hey, sweetie, hi.

how are you?

marvelous.

what about you?

i feel like an alien.

never seen l. a. straight before.

hey, she likes you. doesn't go to anybody.

look at that, sandra.

it's sweet.

you know, jerry, i've got to go.

good girl.

good girl. good girl.

can i see her tomorrow?

well, i'm having this brunch here tomorrow.

it's gonna be pretty hectic, you know?

all right. how about monday?

daytime's bad. it'll have to be in the evening.

all right. i was kind of hoping

we could make this a regular thing.

don't make it difficult, jerry, okay?

you're on a thin string already.

okay. fine.

hmm...

buddy?

hello?

hi.

you write me a love letter or something?

my god.

can i come in?

yeah.

wow.

yeah, it's, um...

how did you find me?

oh. it's very complicated.

i called vola, and she gave me your address.

i missed you.

no.

i didn't come here

to spend all my time in bed with you.

hey.

hey.

i read the article you wrote.

and, uh, what did you think?

it was good.

sounded like you.

proved you were real.

something that you needed?

i guess so, yeah.

you have sugar?

yeah.

thanks.

so, uh, when do you think you're going back?

actually, i'm not going back.

i'm moving to anchorage.

my brother owns a hatchery up there,

and he's gonna open up a brew pub,

and he asked me to run it for him.

wow.

wow. that's terrific.

a brew pub, huh?

imagine me behind the bar,

like with a bunch of drunken fishermen or something?

gosh. you hair in pigtails

and... parka... frozen bait.

that's great.

i never been to alaska.

it's so funny. i, um...

what?

no, i just think about you all the time.

going and playing with nina,

and, uh, i just kind of wonder what

you'd think of her.

when i'm on the bus, look out the window,

i kind of... wonder what you would look at.

we got under each other's skin, huh?

fuck.

i've been hurt a lot, you know?

i've made a lot of really dumb mistakes.

jerry stays out a long time these days.

- ok? - ok.

kitty: jerry, i didn't want to have.

another of our famous good-byes,

so i didn't tell you that my flight was this morning.

i'm not much good at these things, so i'll just stop.

no, i can go on a little more, i guess.

i will miss you.

and even though i know you'll never show up in anchorage,

i'll entertain the notion now and then.

see you later.

man, over radio: during the 1980s,

jerry stahl was a successful television writer

making $5,000 a week.

at the same time, he also had a $6,000 a week heroin and cocaine habit.

his dark and funny book is called "permanent midnight."

it's a raw account of the depths of his habit

and how he was able to claw his way out.

when you got to hollywood

and you're working on these series that i mentioned,

these were big series.

what kind of a double life must you have lead?

because you had to at some level perform as a writer.

well, tom, the beauty of hollywood is

that everybody's so self-obsessed,

they don't really notice what anybody else is doing.

so basically, they come filing in in the morning

with their cappuccinos and croissants,

and i'd come bouncing in with my heroin and syringes,

and pretty much lock myself in the office

and get really pleasant for about an hour and a half.

let's peel away a few more layers here with jerry.

tell us the story as i kind of teased into this segment

about the birth of your, uh...

of your child.

well, maury...

jerry: people always ask.

what's the worst thing heroin drove you to do.

i always answer showing up on maury.

but that's what you do when you're a junky.

your number one job is to shoot junk.

i'm sure damian will concur with me on this.

i agree with jerry

that the damage is irre... reprepable.

jerry: that's the trouble with surviving.

at the end of the day, rolling into a pta potluck dinner.

or paying the gas bill can be more terrifying.

than the worst 3:00 a. m. narcotic hell.

yep, wow.

but what do i know?

i got out with a bad liver and enough debt.

to keep me in hock till i'm 90...

if i'm still here.

jerry stahl, junkie.

we'll be right back.

and with my luck, i will be.

♪ it can come from out of nowhere ♪

♪ hits you when you think you've won ♪

♪ take it easy, my star, your time is gonna come ♪

♪ your time is gonna come ♪

♪ yeah, you got those crazy blue eyes ♪

♪ you got those crazy blue, all those pretty smiles ♪

♪ i can see them laughing at you, your time is gonna come ♪

♪ your time is gonna come ♪

♪ oh, i don't want to be your punching bag ♪

♪ your complacent little friends are so tragic and sad ♪

♪ i'm not gonna let you overwhelm me anymore. ♪