Original subtitles

Thank you very much.

Excuse me.

Morning, Brian.

Mr. Runnicles, if you don't mind.

If you say so, Brian.

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Scandinavian Import Company.

That you, Niko? Who wants him?

Pete here. Pete Hunter. It's me. What do you want, Pete?

I want my stock, that's what I want.

It's all in hand.

It's no good in hand, mate. I want it in the shop.

Don't worry, Pete.

I've some lovely, clean porn for you.

You'll make a bomb with all those high-class commuters.

Wanna bet? We're up on the takings

already this week in Cheltenham and Canterbury.

Uh... You better give me that address again.

I haven't got the file handy.

I told you before, 313 the High Street.

What was that?

The bloody bed's collapsed again.

Like I said, they're not made for two, are they?

Don't be crude.

I'll send the stuff right away, special delivery.

131, High Street.

Thank you, Miss Martin.

Call me Daphne. Not during banking hours.

Do you mind?

And please take that out of my pending tray.

By the way, is the assistant manager in yet?

No, he's still up there.

Well, you can't blame him, can you?

I mean, three days back from a honeymoon.

Nevertheless, it is 9:15, he should be on the job.

You know... I really should be getting down to the bank.

Who's stopping you? You are.

My God! Look at the time! Penny! Penny!

Penny! Penny. Penny.

You really must control yourself when I bring you tea in bed.

That'll be Brian.

Morning, David. Don't want to intrude on the happy couple.

Morning, Brian.

My new electronic digital calculator hasn't arrived today.

It was supposed to arrive and it hasn't.

I thought you ought to know, being the assistant manager.

If I had been made the assistant manager

as I'd half expected, then I needn't have bothered you.

But since you were, in fact, made the assistant manager...

Yes, yes, all right, Brian.

Not that I bear a grudge... They phoned.

You'll have it in a day or two.

For heaven's sake, put some clothes on.

I have. I've got my... My...

Oh, sorry. I see.

Do give my love to Penny...

Well, not my love, my, uh... My regards.

My fondest. Uh... Oh, dear.

I don't think I'm going to like

living on the end of that buzzer.

I don't know, it has its advantages.

I might even get a fireman's pole put in.

Whoosh. Straight down to the office.

Where the hell are my shoes?

But we will get a place of our own, won't we?

In time, darling. Right now

I couldn't make a down payment on a brick.

What if I help with the deposit? Oh, yes, how?

Well, a man called at the door. You know,

"Thousands of women earn substantial sums of money,

as well as widening their circle of acquaintances

in this very pleasant way."

Swedish glassware. I've sent for it already.

Penny, we cannot afford Swedish glassware.

But lots of women round here can.

You see, I invite them round for tea,

they stock up with crystal goblets,

and pretty soon we get the deposit for the house.

We cannot have a bazaar on bank property.

Oh, David. Think of Bromley,

our beloved manager, he'd go raving mad...

Oh, that reminds me. What?

The guest room. It's nice to have guests occasionally?

Not when we're just back from our honeymoon.

You haven't asked anyone, have you? No, no, no, no, no.

Well, hardly anyone. Who have you asked?

Well, she telephoned and I forgot to tell you.

Um, Bertha.

And you!

Your mother?

Yes. And, look, darling, it's not very likely,

but she may just want to stay the night.

So your mother is staying the night.

No, no, no. She just might.

She will. Oh, David! Oh, look, darling,

she won't want much.

She can have the Teasmade for one night, surely.

The radio and electric blanket, we haven't even used yet.

Perhaps she wouldn't like the food mixer as well.

I'm sorry. Mmm.

No, I must dash. Must dash, darling.

You know what Bromley's like if I'm not behind my desk.

And where is my other shoe?

I'm terribly sorry,

my mind was diverted by some pornographic books.

You shouldn't have been reading them while you were driving!

Oh, no, no, no. There in the shop.

In the window there. Disgusting filth.

Well, what about my boot?

And you knocked the head off me nodding dog.

It's high time that that... Done what?

Psst! Old wobbly chops is just parking his car.

That's no way to talk of the manager.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, tell David old wobbly chops is parking his...

I mean, Mr. Bromley, that is...

Yes, yes, Brian. I'll be right down.

My zip's stuck.

Pardon?

On my briefcase! Oh, yes.

Look, try and delay him, would you?

Delay Mr. Bromley?

Bye, darling.

Mm.Mm.

Bye!

I really must learn to make coffee.

Good morning, Mr. Bromley.

I do hope you've had a pleasant journey?

May I take this opportunity on behalf of myself and the staff

to say how glad, nay, delighted...

What are you doing out here? Out here? I saw you arriving.

I arrive daily, Runnicles,

but you've never before run out

and babbled greetings at the curb!

No, no, but I thought it might be raining

and I'd bring out an umbrella,

um, so that you wouldn't get wet.

But it isn't raining.

Well, that's why I didn't bring an umbrella. Pointless.

Are you feeling all right?

Yes, I'm feeling fine, sir. I'm...

I'm not feeling quite as well as I felt last week,

but I'm feeling a little bit better

than I felt the week before.

Are you feeling fine, sir?

I'm feeling extremely irritable.

So, will you stand aside and let me get into the bank?

Come on!

It's here somewhere. Oh, give it to me!

What kept you so long? There are some things

that no one can do for you, Mr. Hunter.

Oh, good morning, sir. Hunter, will you

come in my office, please?

I'll just finish off this... This prospectus.

Come in!

Well, David, it's arrived. What has, sir?

Oh, Brian's calculator. That's odd...

This, David! This has arrived!

I saw that over breakfast this morning.

My boiled egg turned to ashes in my mouth!

But I consoled myself with the thought

that it couldn't happen here.

Well, it has! What has, sir?

The creeping menace.

What, here, sir? With my own eyes I saw it.

Between the Christian reading room

and, appropriately enough, the National Westminster Bank.

The Aphrodisia Bookshop. The mind boggles, sir.

Not enough to boggle, David.

Actions speak louder than boggles!

I'll get my hands on these filth merchants.

I'll give them stick.

I'll draw the attention of the watch committee to them...

Hello? Get me Inspector Paul.

My fellow J.P.'s, the council, the police.

And, David, I'm not ashamed to say this:

I shall pray.

Will you join me? What, here and now, sir?

No, no, no, no. In the campaign! Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

I want to get up a petition.

I thought that you and Penny could take a street each,

in the evenings after work.

Door to door. It'd be a pleasure, sir.

Right.

That's the way, bring them over here.

Most kind.

Look, missus, I was trying to tell you, you can't park here.

There's another one on the back seat.

Oh, blast!

Now, look, missus. Just a moment now. Look.

Double yellow lines! Very pretty.

No, no, you can't park here. That's what I'm here for, see?

What a helpful service.

I'm sure you know all the best places.

I'm coming. I'm coming. Hello?

It's Bertha. Can you give me a hand with my luggage?

Oh, yes, of course.

Luggage?

Luggage?

That uniform does become you. Really does.

Somewhere round the corner will do. Preferably in the shade.

Little Hitler.

Oh, there you are, Penny, darling.

I thought you might be in the bath or something.

I was.

What an elfin sense of humor. My bags are outside.

Careful with the big one. It's got my nut cutlets in it.

You seem to have enough luggage for a fortnight.

I couldn't possibly stay a fortnight.

Might manage a week.

Oh.

It's quite sweet in its own little way.

Your room's upstairs, Bertha. Oh, thank you.

Um, I'll bring the luggage up when I've finished drying.

Oh. You really were in the bath.

How funny.

If we don't come down hard on these pornographers,

it'll be Sodom and Gomorrah and Windsor.

The Royal Borough crawling with these filthy magazines.

I agree, sir. I shan't rest until I get every one of them.

What? The salesmen. The suppliers.

Oh, I see. Watch and wait.

Excuse me.

Yes? Can I speak to David?

Yes, of course. David.Sir.

Yes? Your mother has arrived already.

Oh, uh, look, darling. Can I call you back?

We've got Inspector Paul with us.

I don't care if you've got Pope Paul with you.

She's talking about staying for a week!

Ah, right. I'll be up directly. Sorry about that, sir.

All right. Care for a cup of tea, Your Holy... Inspector?

Very nice. I'll ask Miss Martin for some.

Special delivery for P. Hunter. That must be for Penny.

It should've gone up to the flat.

Yes, it should've gone up to...

Would you? Thanks. What? I'm not a delivery boy.

What? It's not the usual delivery...

I'll take it up to the flat.

Oh, yes. I've been married three times myself.

I know how to make a marriage work.

Yes, which one was David's father?

He had the eyes from number one,

the ears of number two...

Odd, really. According to my diary, it was number three.

But you said "guidance." Um, what sort of guidance?

Oh, Penny, men are just children.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman, a mother.

Or failing that, a wife.

Oh, excuse me. That's the bell.

Don't worry. I'll be keeping a close eye on you.

Oh, hello, Brian. Parcel for you, Penny.

It arrived at the...

Oh. Oh, I say.

What's the matter? Haven't you seen one of these before?

Well, not during banking hours.

Thank you. I expect it's my glassware.

It doesn't sound like glassware.

Oh, these knots are tight.

I've got my scout knife with me. "Be prepared."

Wait a minute, there's a blade here somewhere. Oh, here we are.

Oh, thank you.Oh. Sorry. That's all right.

Let me give you a hand.Ah.

Oh, yes. Here we are.

Oh, wait a minute. I think you've got...

Sorry, sorry. Thank you.

Yes... Oh, I'm terribly sorry. How clumsy of me.

It's all right, it was all my fault.

It doesn't feel like glassware.

They must've made a mistake.

They're all sealed down. No, this one isn't.

My God, it's a dirty picture!

Let me see. No, I couldn't.

You couldn't look at this. I daren't look myself.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous, Brian...

Oh, how embarrassing.

Put them away quickly before David sees them.

Oh, Brian! Oh, I am sorry.

How could I be so clumsy? Do them up quickly.

Do them up? Do what up?

Penny, you're not dressed yet. What's going on here?

David... Um, I hope you don't think

I was in any way, uh...

What are you two up to? Now, David...

Uh... They fell out. I was putting them back.

What? I mean, I was trying

to put them back before you came back.

Look at that. They're filthy, they're disgusting.

Were you interfering with my wife,

you randy little chief cashier?

How dare you...

I'm gonna punch him on the nose. Please, do I gather...?

Put him down! Put me down, put me down!

David, stop it at once! It wasn't his fault. It was mine.

Please let go of my arm. Oh, I'm becoming so angry.

Yours? Yes, this box.

I was expecting glasses from the Swedish company.

But it's full of dirty photos. Look.

Good God Almighty! May I get up?

How can they possibly send stuff like that through the post?

Wasn't there a sender's address on it?

Never mind about that, look what you've done

to my badminton club tie. Pulled my shuttlecock out of shape.

Good God, Bertha!

Coo-ee!

Oh, darling, David, there you are.

Hello, Mother.

You're looking very pasty.

I hope you haven't been stuffing him with saturated fats.

No.What have you got there?

Uh, photographs. Uh, but they're Brian's.

All of them.

Mr. Runnicles, you were the best man at the wedding?

Are they wedding photographs? Yes. No. Possibly.

Well, actually, I forget. Am I in any of them?

Um, no. I don't think so.

Mostly overdeveloped. Overexposed.

Come along, Mother, dear, let me help you unpack.

But I've unpacked already.

No need to push.

What are you doing? I'm phoning the company.

Yes, yes, madam, I've traced your order

and I've sent for the invoice.

How dare you send stuff like this to us! I'm...

I'm flabbergasted!

I can't think why, madam.

I can assure you that it is what you ordered.

But they're absolutely filthy. That's impossible, madam.

My girls are very thorough.

Even as I talk, there's one less than two yards from me,

working away with her feather duster.

Good grief!

According to our invoice,

you have a set of our crystal with the wide bottom.

Crystal? That's the blond. That's the blond. Disgusting!

Yes, they're really beautiful.

I gaze at them with rapture every time they catch my eye.

You dirty old man!

No doubt, you make some sort of sense to yourself, madam,

but, um...

According to the dispatch note

that has just been placed in front of me,

your order has not even yet left the warehouse.

But we had this box of postcards!

In the circumstances, madam,

perhaps we'd just better cancel your order.

Hello? Hello? They say they haven't sent them.

Well, they're just covering up, aren't they?

Anyway, we're stuck with the stuff now.

We'll have to make a clean breast of it.

What? Report it to the police.

The police! Excellent! Oh, no, you don't.

You are staying right here.

Hello, Daphne speaking.

Mr. Runnicles isn't here at the moment.

I know where Mr. Runnicles is.

Is Inspector Paul still down there?

He's just leaving, sir.

Could you send him up? With pleasure.

Don't you think you're being hasty, calling the police?

It's a police matter, for God's sake!

But we can't prove we didn't order them.

That's true. That is true. Oh, do shut up, Brian!

You signed for them.

The police can't possibly suspect us,

not if we're open with them. Open and aboveboard.

But it's their job to suspect people.

Ooh, that one on the trampoline. And the poor Dutch girls.

How do you know they were Dutch girls?

The clogs. It was all they were wearing.

It's him, the inspector.

Darling, go and get some clothes on.

I'll go back to my position. Where do you think you're going?

You're in this just as much as we are. I am not.

They were addressed to Penny. I may have signed for them,

but those photographs are not mine!

Ah, Inspector. Come in. Morning again, Mr. Hunter.

I came up the back way. Ah!

You know Mr. Runnicles, our chief cashier?

I haven't had the pleasure. What's the problem, Mr. Hunter?

It's about this pornography. Pornography? Yes, very nasty.

Still, we're cracking down on it.

I was just telling Mr. Bromley,

I arrested one of the muck-peddlers last week.

What actually had he been doing? Peddling muck. Evil pictures.

And, if you please, from a private flat in Maidenhead.

Told some cock and bull story about them arriving in the post.

"Try that one on the judge," I said.

"You'll get five years for certain."

I'd birch them, if I had my way.

Enough of this sordid business.

What can I do for you people?

Yes, yes. Well, um, the fact is, it's, uh... It's Brian.

It's all right, Brian. It's all right, don't worry.

The inspector won't accuse you of making a fuss about nothing.

Just, uh... Just tell him about the mysterious parcel...

Uh, parson... Person!

What? Well, you know,

the loitering prowler, that's it.

See, Brian noticed this mysterious-looking prowler

lurking around the back.

Really? When was this? What? Um...

Oh, yesterday, uh, morning. And afternoon, mainly.

Describe him to me. Please, Mr. Runnicles.

Describe him? Yes, uh, what did he look like?

It was very hard to tell because of the, uh...

Because of the mask.

Mask? He was wearing a mask in the street?

Um... A mask in the street? That's ridiculous, isn't it?

No, um, it was, um, a muffler.

You know, a kind of scarf, really.

And because of the very strong wind,

this scarf was being blown across his face, you know,

making it very difficult to, um, see.

Muffler. Was he tall or short?

I can help you there. He was tall.

Tall. You sure?

Um... Well, he might have been, unless, of course, he was short,

and everybody who was passing him, you know, was shorter,

making him appear taller than he was.

Very clever like that, some of them.

Did anybody else see this person?

No, no, no, inspector. Just Brian.

Mr. Runnicles, try hard. What was this person doing?

Doing? Um, prowling, uh, mostly. And a bit of loitering.

Yes, this person or persons... No, there's only one.

There's only one person we are looking for...

Was, in fact, loitering more than prowling.

What made you think that this person was loitering?

And prowling a bit. Good question. Excellent.

Very astute. First class.

What was the question again?

What made you think there was anything suspicious about him?

The loitering and the prowling. And the close-set eyes.

And the dark glasses. Well, not really dark, tinted.

Enabling me to see the close-set eyes.

You're not giving me very much to go on, Mr. Runnicles.

Still, I'll get my people to keep a lookout.

If anybody else sees anything suspicious,

please contact us at once.

Yes, of course, inspector.

You didn't notice whether...?

No, never mind.

Thank you for calling us.

We rely on public cooperation. Good morning.

- Good morning, inspector.- Good morning.

Well, that was a nice trick.

You put me in a terrible position.

Shut up, Brian. The problem is,

how are we gonna get rid of this blasted porn?

Well, you can burn it in the garden, can't you?

This is a bank flat, Brian. We haven't got a garden.

We haven't got any fireplaces either. It's all electric.

You've got a garden, haven't you, Brian?

Yes, I have. No, I haven't. I have not got a garden.

I share it with all the others. It's communal.

Eight other flats. I've only got 12.5 percent.

It's nothing to do with me. You signed for the parcel.

The post office have got your name already.

Will you stop saying that?

This is terrible.

It's obvious. It's staring us in the face.

What is? The lavatory.

I beg your pardon. We tear them up and flush them.

Oh, Brian, don't be ridiculous! It'll take hours.

I'll do a whole lot at once.

Can't stand around here, wanna do something.

I'm sorry, darling. It was all a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry too, darling. I should never

have gone off at you and Brian like that.

I can't get them down, any of them.

They're all floating on top. What are we going to do?

Flush it again. Well, it's no use.

They keep coming back up.

They look so much worse when they're framed.

Get something from the kitchen and fish them out.

This is so ignominious for me! So ignominious!

Be an angel.

Hello? Hello, Penny. Is David with you?

Yes, Mr. Bromley, he'll be down in a minute.

Oh, good. Have you seen Mr. Runnicles?

Oh, he's up here as well. What on earth for?

He's gone to the bathroom.

What an extraordinary thing to do.

Perfectly good men's room in the bank.

Send him down, would you, Penny?

Yes, Mr. Bromley, I will. As soon as he comes out.

Thank you.

What a funny time to go.

I should never have signed! Never have signed!

David? Oh, my God.

She's coming down again.

Yes, Mother, dear, what is it?

Burn! Burn!

Burn!

Ooh!

Brian, quick! Help me!

I can't. I've got my trowel stuck.

Mother.

David, I want to go downstairs.

Of course you can go downstairs, Mother, dear.

I just think you need a rest, that's all.

I'm just thinking of you. Oh, nonsense.

I've had my vitamin B. I've done my yoga. I've...

What on earth have you been doing?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

I was burning something...

Something was burning in the bin,

and I was trying to put it out.

It must've been Runnicles.

He's terribly careless.

He leaves a trail of cigarette ends.

My fingers are filthy. No!

No, no, no. Couldn't you use the kitchen?

I beg your pardon.

Mr. Runnicles, what are you doing?

I'm stuck.

Oh!

Ah, finished.

What are you doing with a trowel down the, um...?

Down the, uh...? Pan.

There's a perfectly simple explanation for that.

I was in the bathroom, as you saw, and I called for a towel,

and he, not hearing properly, thought I said trowel, you see.

And in my surprise at receiving a trowel,

it flew in the bowel... The bowl.

Why did David bring a trowel into the bathroom?

Ah, um, because, um, Brian...

He's had a lot of experience at tiling and grouting,

and he couldn't find the proper one for the job.

Couldn't I? No, I wanted a towel.

And a trowel for the tiling.

Because he's very good at tiling and I'm not, am I, darling?

No. Hopeless. While Brian's had a lot of experience...

Of tiling and grouting, haven't you, Brian?

I have had a lot of experience of troweling and griting.

I was going to start now, and then I thought,

"No, I'd better wait till I get my trowter's grout...

My grouter's trout."Tiler's trowel.

That as well.

Yes, well, you should've said.

I mean, now you've explained, it's all perfectly clear.

Yes.

Do you realize, young man, you almost set this flat on fire?

What? By poking my trowel down the, uh...?

No. By leaving cigarette ends about.

I've never smoked in my life! I'm a lifelong boy scout.

Clean in thought, word and deed.

Grilled trout? Down there?

Quick, darling. Bring that over here.

We're gonna tape it and dump it far away from here.

That's a good idea. That's the best thing to do.

Oh, darling, where would we be without you?

Excuse me! Excuse me!

You'll look back on this and have a damn good laugh about it.

Yes, I expect we will.

Best to look on the funny side. Very droll. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Quite. Off you go, Brian. And mind where you dump it.

Who, me? Not me!

Oh, flick!

There's something strange about these photographs.

Excuse me, I must go.

He's been tearing them up.

Are they the wedding photographs?

This looks like part of an organ.

Or is it a trampoline? Yes, it's a trampoline.

That's why he tore it up, because it's out of focus.

He was probably jumping up and down on it when he took it.

What on earth...?

Runnicles, where are you going? To my desk in the bank, sir.

Then why not take the shortcut?

What have you got there? Nothing.

Just a box of, um, nothing.

I'll put it in the drawer.

That's the best thing to do with it.

And Runnicles. Hm?

Use the toilet down here.

Yes, sir, right...

Tie. Desk. Excuse me.

What have you done with them?

They're in the drawer. My desk.

I'll get rid of them later on, after work.

Then we can...

Just going, sir.

What's got into him? Oh, uh, he's...

He's probably rather upset, sir,

by all this pornography business.

We all are, David.

When I was under-manager, down at the Edenfield branch,

I caught a teller with a dirty book: Titter.

Titter? Titter.

I sacked him on the spot. On the spot, David!

I've just been to the, uh... And done the, uh...

Excellent, excellent!

Come.

Good morning, Bertha.

I brought your breakfast for you.

There's your orange blossom honey,

and that's the molasses.

I expect I look dreadful this morning.

Oh, no, I don't.

I always say, "As long as you've got the bone structure,

just let the rest go hang."

How did you sleep? Not very well, I'm afraid.

The mattress was rather lumpy.

Like the princess who had a pea in her bed.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, the fairy story? Yes.

Have you decided what you're going to do today?

You're not staying in, are you?

No, I thought I'd go round the shops

and buy myself a... "Sex maniac"?

A what? Look, in the local paper.

"Thousands of obscene photographs

fished out of the river." Disgusting!

"Police wish to question a man acting suspiciously."

Look at that face. Evil! Ugh!

But don't you see? It's Brian!

Oh, my God, I believe you're right.

Did Bertha recognize him? No. Oh, but honestly the twit.

Fancy dumping them in the river! Now, darling, be fair, be fair.

He may have had a good reason. I know why he did it.

Why? Because he's a twit! Honestly.

Why didn't he just pin them up on the police notice board.

If that idiot got on a bus, he'd be hijacked!

Come on, you'll be late.

Thank you, darling. Oh, and, darling, whatever you do,

don't let anybody see this newspaper.

They're on to me! They're on to me!

David! David!

Brian, why the river? Why didn't you bury them?

I tried. I did try.

Psst! Psst! Psst!

Have you, uh...? Good afternoon. Have you a light?

Oh, yes.

Oh, sorry. My cigarettes are in the bushes. May I, uh...?

Thank you.

I've lit it. The cigarette.

Oh, it'll take weeks to burn this lot.

So then I thought, "Where do people put

unwanted paper in a public park?"

Good evening. Good evening, sir.

You've, uh, been digging for bait, have you?

Yes. No, no.

Well, yes to worms and no to bait. Ah.

Yes, and for what purpose did you intend to use these worms?

Um, for my budgie.

Naughty boy. What's it doing in a box

without air holes? Um...

It's dead.

Well, if it's dead, how can it go:

I did that. In memory of him.

Now, look, I know just what you're up to.

Here, why don't you just chuck it in the river?

In, out!

In, out!

In, out!

In...

Cor! Cor, look at this.

What a shape! What's up, Stroke?

Cor, blimey! Look at this. What is it?

And now this. Look at it.

It's them!

Ooh! Oh, Brian! Stop messing about!

Yes? It's Mr. Bromley. Is that you, Penny?

May I come up? Yes, of course, Mr. Bromley.

The papers! He mustn't see the papers!

Over here!

Oh, good morning, Mr. Bromley. I'll make some tea.

Have you seen this?

Thousands of filthy photographs floating down the pure waters

of England's greatest river!

Polluting the whole nation!

God help Europe if those had ever got into the Gulf Stream.

Oh, absolutely. You know my mother, Mr. Bromley?

Of course.

I'm very pleased with David. I am so glad.

The last time we met was at the wedding, wasn't it?

Eighteenth-century sauceboat. Ha-ha... I beg your pardon.

Don't you remember? You told me of your interest in antiques.

Oh! Yes! Yes, I do have this weakness for very old things.

I'm delighted to see you again.

May I ask what you are doing up here again, Runnicles?

I came up for some advice on a personal problem.

A very personal problem, sir. Really?

Let's use one of the other rooms for a few minutes.

Come tell me all about it. No, no, I meant David.

I want my advice from him.

Won't I do? Well, no, sir, no.

It is, in fact, rather delicate.

He thinks he may be suffering from a slight touch of...

Oh, dear. Well, that is rather different.

Nothing to be ashamed of, mind you.

I saw a lot of it in the army. Saw what?

What am I supposed to have? Shut up.

You should certainly get some ointment for it.

Could be due to nerves. What did you tell him?

Good heavens. You don't get much peace, do you?

Special delivery. A parcel for P. Hunter.

Oh, not another one? Yes, well, you sign for it.

That's a good fellow, Brian. I can't! I haven't got a pen!

Here's a pen.

Sign here. Thank you.

Thank you, Mr... Yoko Omo?

It's for Penny. For you. It must be yours.

No.No?

Definitely yours, Brian. Definitely. It's your new, uh...

Your new thingamajigs for your scout troop.

Thingamajigs? Yes! Yes, they...

They rub them together in the woods.

Disgusting. No, no, no! Sticks for, uh...

Badges? Badges, that's it.

I ordered them for you as a surprise.

I don't want them. They're the wrong color.

How do know before you open it?

Yes, how can you possibly tell, Mr. Runnicles,

if you haven't opened the box? They are the correct color.

Definitely. Blue.

Yes, good. Off you go, Brian.

Don't thank me. Take it downstairs.

Keep it out of everybody's way. Yes, I'll do that.

Then I may kill myself.

What's the matter with Runnicles?

Why is he always up here?

Do you know something, Brian? You've got nice hands.

They belong on a woman. What? Don't be rude.

Now, come on. I'm very busy, Miss Martin.

Daphne. Here, I passed you on my way to work this morning.

Now, remember my position. I'm the chief cashier.

I could've given you a lift on my scooter.

What would I hold onto? Don't answer that.

Brian.

Thank you, Miss Martin, that will be all.

Yes, Mr. Hunter.

Right, let's open it.

Over here. Scissors, scissors.

They're films. Films?

For one awful moment, I thought they were...

Oh, my God! They're blue films! Oh, no!

"find sample of non-flam safety rollers.

PTO for tits... "Titles!

Ride a Cock Horse Side Saddle. What's does that mean?

It means we can't burn them, not if they're non-flam safety.

Teasy Rider. Jack and Jill Forgot the Pill.

Winnie the Poof. We've got to get rid of these!

Sure, but how? I know. We can mince them.

Mince them up? Ah, yes, mince them up, eh?

Upstairs in the waste disposal unit, in the flat. Come on!

I'm looking forward to seeing them. I believe you have a pair.

Unfortunately, no. I had,

but one got damaged during the war by shrapnel.

How rotten.Yes.

It's a porcelain cream jug. Worcester, 1770. Sparrow beak.

Pardon? Sparrow beak.

The style of the jug. Oh, I knew at once.

But I mustn't thrust my passion onto you.

Oh. Feel free.

Actually, I'm giving a little lecture

on antiques at the Rotary Hall this evening.

How fascinating, Leslie.

Penny? Penny?

In here, quickly. What on earth's the matter?

Blue film, miles of it. Turn on the waste disposal unit.

There's a good girl.

That's good, that's good.

Not the reel as well. No, no. I'm feeding it in.

It's working.

Don't do it too fast!

Leave it to me. I know what I'm doing.

It's got me! It's got me!

Get me out!

Switch off.

Right, switch it on again. Switch on.

It's jammed! Jammed! Switch it off!

Switch off. It won't go off.

You twit! You've done it again!

Penny? Penny?

Your mother!

Now look what you've done!

Hello, Mother, you're back. No need to push.

Brian, the tin!

Is that the front door?

What's going on in the kitchen? Kitchen?

Look, it's stuck!

Scissors, in my bag!

Hang on, hang on.

Imagine all this filthy film.

Filthy film? That's Mr. Runnicles, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is, it is.

He's trying to get the filthy film off the sink.

Very domesticated, isn't he? For a man.

Involved with boy scouts too, I believe.

Yes. Yes, he is. Yes.

Oh, but he's not in... Brian's not in any way...

Ah, good morning, again.

Good morning.

I've been in the kitchen, uh, mincing.

Well, it takes all sorts.

I've done it! I've done it! Right. I'm off.

Brian, don't forget your parcel. My parcel?

Yes, your parcel. You know what to do with it.

Oh, my God!

That man is beginning to get on my nerves.

All right, all right, I believe you.

But they haven't arrived yet. No, none of it.

Do your best, eh, Niko?

Good afternoon.

Um, I wonder if you'd like some films for nothing.

What? Blue, are they? No, well,

they're black and white, mostly.

Well, I might be interested. Oh, good, because I, uh...

I haven't got any, do you understand?

I haven't got any. How dare you suggest I have!

I was telling this fellow all this filth and muck,

it's absolutely disgusting! It shouldn't be allowed.

Exactly why I'm in here, sir. Quite right too.

Don't I know you? No. No. No. I'm not me.

And this is, um...

There's badges in here, or, um, oh, possibly a dead canary.

Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!

Good afternoon.

Good night, Mr. Hunter. Good night.

Night, Mr. Hunter. Good night, Miss Martin.

Night, Mr. Bromley. Oh, Miss Martin.

There's a bank inspector coming tomorrow.

Do see what you can do about lowering your hemline.

Not without showing me navel.

Do the best you can.

Well, David, I think that's it.

Incidentally, where did Runnicles disappear to?

I gave him the afternoon off, sir.

He wanted to get rid of something.

A cold.

He's behaving very strangely lately, Runnicles. What's this?

I don't know, sir. I don't know. We're not expecting anything?

Not as far as I know.

Delivery for the name of Hunter. What? Oh, no!

I'll help you with them. I'm going to see your mother.

No, no, sir. They're not for me, they're for the bank.

They're Brian's. It must be Brian's digital calculator.

Oh, yes, of course. Sign here, mate.

Bit big for a calculator. Why four?

Um, uh, spares.

All right, I'll sign. Oh, thank you, sir.

That's a splendid idea.

Thank you, mate. Thank you.

Where did we order these from?

David, our troubles are over! I got rid of the, uh...

The cold, the one that kept you off work all afternoon.

That's why I came in to work the last 30 seconds.

I doubt if you'll get much done in half a minute.

Even with the help of your digital calculator.

Oh, it's arrived! Oh, marvelous!

I'm so excited. Can't wait to see it.

Instruction book, I expect.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

And, Runnicles...

Try shaving a little more closely in the mornings.

There you are, darling.

Come along, Leslie.

Mustn't be late for your lecture.

I was just coming for you.

May I say you look absolutely charming.

They're real, you know.

Oh, I wouldn't have doubted it for a moment.

Back for supper later, David.Right.

Hope you like herb omelet.

Oh, is that the Tijuana Brass fellow?

Steady. Oh, I see what you mean.

It's absolutely filthy. Look at it.

They must all be the same. We can't leave them here.

Take them up to the flat for the time being. I've got an idea.

All of them? On my own? David! Oh!

"With the compliments

of the Scandinavian Import Company, Soho."

That's not the same firm.

They can jolly well send someone to take them back!

Scandinavian Import Company. Hello? I'm speaking to you

on behalf of Mr. Hunter. Now, he doesn't want

any of the stuff you sent round, you understand?

Hunter? What? Windsor?

Yes. So you'd better get somebody round here at once.

I don't...

Oh, I'm with you.

Like in Cheltenham, eh? How many, one or two?

Two, I should think. There's an awful lot of moving to be done.

Ah, they're lovely movers.

It's a bit short notice, but I'll see what I can do.

I can't promise anything, right?

You better do better than you did the last time.

Better than... Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello, Niko.

Windsor?

But we're only just getting up.

We didn't get home till 10:00 this morning.

Ah, that's the last. I've locked the bank. Penny!

They're awful. Surely this picture's upside down.

It's even worse that way. Oh, what a day. What a day.

What a grueling day. Grueling indeed.

Take them all downstairs again. I've borrowed a van.

Oh, no! Oh, yes.

We're gonna chuck them all on the corporation rubbish tip.

That's what we should've done in the first place.

What did you with them? I was rather cunning about that.

There was this old junk lorry. I waited for the right moment,

threw them in the back.

Probably be miles away by now.

This way, my dear. The lecture hall's just through there.

Oh, good.

Ah, Mr. Bromley. We're all ready for you.

Thank you, John. Bertha, may I introduce

a fellow Rotarian, the Reverend Mower.

Oh, a Rotary mower!

Quite.

Awfully sorry. Well, now, do go through.

I think I'd like to powder my nose.

Ah, you want to see a man about a dog.

No, I want to powder my nose.

You see, if I wanted to see a man about a dog,

I would have said I wanted to wash my hands.

Oh, never mind. Come along.

Of course, yes. Rotary mower!

Well...

Any more? One more pile.

Evening, Miss Martin.

Hello, Brian. I thought it was you.

I recognized your walk.

I don't always walk like that, Miss Martin.

I was just on me way to the pictures.

All on me own. Alone. With no one.

I'm busy, because I'm taking these books back to the library.

Do you read all these?

No, I don't read this sort of, uh...

Well, as a Matt... I don't read books.

Well, what do you do with them?

Stand on them, um, to reach the gas meter.

I'm just changing these because it gets very boring

standing on the same books night after night.

Well, um, bye-bye, Miss Martin. You don't fancy coming, then?

You could come back to my place. Me mum won't be there.

Neither will I. No, thank you.

I wouldn't mind dropping them off for you.

What? The books.

Oh, no, thank you. I can manage. Oh, well. Please yourself.

If you wanna turn your back on bliss. Good night, Brian.

Good night, Miss Martin.

Oh! Oh, hello again, Miss Martin.

Oh, come on, Brian, get them in.

Don't rush me. I've done myself a mischief.

Brian, this is no time for horseplay!

Just a minute, I'm stuck again.

Stop complaining.

Oh...

Well, come on, Brian!

Brian, keep down! The police!

Herb omelet.

Soya beans. Chili peppers.

Ah, yes, hello. Good evening, the door was open.

Good heavens! Here, are you ill?

What are you doing? What's the matter?

Is it your throat?

I didn't know Niko had any clients in Windsor.

Hm. I wonder if we'll get paid according to how far we go.

Well, we usually do. No, I mean distance.

Twenty miles, you know. Better get a move on.

It'll be pretty boring for him if he starts without us.

It's all right, she's gone. Let me out!

All right, all right. Don't panic. Keys...?

Oh, no! Oh, my God!

Hang on.

Can you, uh...? Can you talk now?

I mean, is it better? Have some more.

Oh, chili. Oh, I'll close the door then.

No, hot. Oh, I'll leave it open.

Thank you. Not at all.

Oh, incidentally, you'll be wondering who I...

Well, I'm the inspector.

Another one? No. The first one.

I mean, what other one?

Could I speak to Mr. Hunter? Oh, are you Mrs. Hunter?

What's left of her. Oh, and you want to see David?

Yes, I would like to. I'm terribly sorry, because...

Penny! Penny! Have you got a crowbar? Quickly, darling!

I wonder who that could be.

Go away. The police! There's an inspector in the living room!

Who? Paul? No, a new one.

Oh, my God! They must be closing in.

This is ridiculous. We're not the Mafia.

I'm gonna put a stop to it once and for all.

How? By doing what I should have done

with Paul. I'm gonna make a clean breast of it.

Right, I'm David Hunter. I understand you're an inspector.

Oh, that is correct. Good evening. I mean, hello.

Now, look, inspector, do I look like a criminal? Hm?

Does Penny, uh, my wife look like a criminal?

Criminal? You? Um, I don't understand.

I'm not hiding anything. This is a waste of time,

but I'm going to tell you all about it.

All about it, good. Very good. That's why I'm here.

I mean, that's my job. I shall have to see for myself.

See what for yourself? Well, the books.

I shall have to see the books.

Those books. Would you believe

I was going to chuck them on the rubbish dump?

What? On the rubbish dump? Books?

The first lot we threw in the river.

In the river? But this is fantastic.

We were desperate to get rid of them.

Get rid of them? Do you think you are an anarchist?

Destroying the books!

No, the first lot were photos not books.

Photos, Photostats, what's the difference?

Bankbooks destroyed, ruined! Hang on.

Hang on, bank... Bank records?

Who exactly are you? The bank inspector, Needham.

Arnold Needham. Oh, oh... Of course. Of course.

And you thought that I meant...

This is really rather funny. I was talking about something...

About those moldy books you found in the attic.

You see, David assumed you were the fire inspector.

Yes, that's what...! Yes, that's what I assumed!

I assumed you were the fire inspector!

Well done, darling.

Good heavens. Well, what a relief.

Then the records, they're safe? They're quite safe?

Absolutely. We're ready for your inspection.

Oh, good. You see, actually I came to see Mr. Bromley,

in the past he has put me up in this flat, as a matter of fact.

This is still bank accommodation, is it not?

What's the matter with your voice?

Yes. This will do splendidly. Thank you. Most kind.

It's the least we could do.

I'm tempted to have an early night.

Please do!

Ah, why not?

Oh, I forgot to mention, I shall need a girl.

But there's an electric blanket.

Hm? In the morning, to take dictation.

I always say an hour before breakfast

is worth three afterwards.

Oh, you're so right.

That's what you always say, isn't it, darling?

Keep an eye on it. Yes, sir.

What about the man whose van it is?

Who the van belongs to?

I'm just going to break the window, that's all.

Downstairs! The books! The van! The police are downstairs!

Not in that room. There's an inspector in there.

It's a manhunt! What am I going to do?

Brian, will you stop messing about!

Yes? Help me, Penny.

Oh, yes, Inspector Paul. Mind my spectacles.

Do come up. Me spectacles! The other end!

He's after me. I knew it! Good heavens, what am I doing?

Penny, quickly, get him in the bedroom.

Right, now follow my lead.

Oh, good evening, Inspector. Good evening, Mr. Hunter.

Ah, we're making an omelet. Ah, yes. Yes.

I was passing and I saw a van outside the bank in the alley.

Oh? Oh, really? A van? Yes.

One of my women constables made a report about it.

We're keeping a special watch because of Runnicles' prowler.

Runnicles, yes, it's his van. But he's not here.

No, he just popped down to the pub for a quick drink.

I thought I saw him in the street.

I hope he's not having one for road.

Very hot on drinking and driving, our bench.

I'll make a special point of warning him. Good night.

Good night, Mr. Hunter. Night, Mrs. Hunter.

Good night. Night.

We'll give him five minutes to get clear,

and then we'll get the rest of those books together.

I heard that! I heard that! Oh, shh!

I'm a drunken driver, am I?

And a chain smoker with horrible diseases.

And hallucinations about mysterious prowlers!

Oh, Brian. That's it!

I've had enough. I've made up my mind.

Definitely. I'm going to resign my position at the bank!

Well, what about that, then? And the best of luck!

I'll get the books.

That's gratitude for you. After all I've been through,

even Penny's turned on me now. Do stop whining, Brian!

It's a bid dodgy at the moment. It's no worse for you than us.

Oh, yes, it is! It certainly is!

You don't have to rush in there every time a door opens.

Oh, blast!

My wife. Just the same with car doors.

So's mine. She's rather a heavy-handed lady.

Oh, yes? Look, I am sorry to bother you,

but I wondered if I might have a glass of water.

My, uh... My sleeping capsules, you know.

Of course, Mr. Needham, allow me.

I would get it myself, but not having a dressing gown,

and your good lady, you do understand.

Yes, of course. How many? Just one in half a glass.

They're very efficacious and quick-acting as well.

Don't open that door! The inspector!

For goodness sake, pull yourself together, Brian!

What is happening to me?

Oh, dear.

What are you doing? A sleeping pill for Needham.

The sooner he's out, the better. What are you doing?

Making sure. Penny, you can't...

This is no time to take chances.

Brian's getting worked up and I think he might crack.

I've got the answer. Destroy the evidence. I'll eat it.

I see what you mean.

Brian. Brian. Brian. Brian.

Come on, just give me the book. You cannot eat paper!

Brian! Come on. Shh!

Come in! Here we are, Mr. Needham.

Your sleeping draught. Thank you, how very kind.

Glad I didn't have to wait too long. Might've nodded off.

Come on, Brian. Come on, spit it out. Come on.

I can't keep on the run like this from the police.

I must give myself up, confess everything.

Oh, don't talk such utter rubbish!

I'm at the end of my tether, I've got a pounding headache.

Ah, yes! He better have two of our Disprin.

Disprin? Yes, darling,

I wouldn't offer them to him if he didn't Needham.

Need them? Oh, "Needham." Of course. Quickly, darling.

It's just as well. I couldn't have eaten that.

Look at it! Ugh!

Here you are. This'll get rid of your headache.

Two? Yes, two.

Perhaps just a little sip.

Look at that. I've swallowed it all.

Good. Good. Come along then, Brian.

Come and lie down for a minute.

You'll feel better for it. Yes, for a minute or two,

then I'll get out of here.

Right. Now, when those two are asleep,

we'll take the van and we'll dump the books.

Darling, I love you.

And whilst the George I kneehole desk

will always hold its value,

I do advise you all to stick to 18th-century commodes.

And now, with the help of the Reverend Mower,

I'm going to show you a short film

of some of the pieces at the Duke of Radford's stately home.

You ready, vicar?

Now, first, we shall see what is probably

one of the Duke's favorite pieces.

Note the bow legs and the fine handwork on the doors.

Some people say this is a reproduction,

but to me, it looks like the real thing.

Now, if you glance at this William and Mary...

Good God Almighty! Vicar!

Disgusting! Disgusting!

Reverend, turn it off! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Sit down, I can't see!

Good grief!

Get off! Get off!

Vicar, get a grip on yourself, man!

Take your hand off the switch! Leslie, Leslie, steady.

Lights! Lights! Put the lights up!

Turn the lights on, somebody!

Wait a minute, did I shut the front door?

Now, don't worry about it. We'll only be gone 10 minutes.

This is it, 131. Wakey, wakey!

Nice to feel wanted, isn't it? Come on, let's go up.

Hello? Who's there? Hello?

It's us, Barbara and Susan. The girls.

Oh. Oh, girls, of course. Work. Yeah, come in. Come in.

Can you open the door?

Yeah, I can open the door.

No, not that door, this door.

Oh, this door. This door's... Coming.

Come in. Come in. At last!

Nice room.Mmm.

Nice color.

Archbishop of Canterbury's bedroom's this color.

How do you know? Saw it on the telly.

A documentary.

Must be over there.

Oh, yes, that's it.

Right. That's the lot. Now, let's get out of here.

Right, let's get to it.

Oh, ready?

Sit down here and prepare for dictation.

Oh! So you want to play secretaries?

That's right, secretaries. That's all right by me.

Yes.

Memo to Messrs Fleming and Har...

Memo to Messrs Fleming and Hardcastle.

C Section, Head Office.

My inspection of the Twickenham branch.

I've made a thorough check of the statistics,

and I find that...

Thank goodness that's all over.

And those two should be flat out by now.

Next memo. Messrs Needham and memo...

A letter for secretary Needham...

David.

I've made an inspection...

What on earth is going on?

Mr. Needham? Hm?

Mr. Needham! Ah.

Excuse me. Ah, Mr. Hunter, we were just taking things down.

Oh, you're Mr. Hunter?

Niko sent us. Who?

Niko. The books and the photos.

I don't know anybody called... What?

Just leave Mr. Needham alone. Get dressed!

What about Brian?

I'm awfully sorry. The whole thing is a terrible mistake.

Do you mean, he doesn't want it? Of course he doesn't want it!

He shouldn't be getting it!

Look, please! Look, I am sorry, Mr. Needham.

It isn't at all what it seems.

He's gone to sleep on us. How insulting.

Where's his pajama cord?

Oh, my God, the whole thing is an absolute disaster!

And for heaven's sake, put something on!

Oh, it's the gear he wants.

Back to the bathroom.

Don't go away.

Mr. Needham?

What are you doing against the wall, Mr. Needham?

Where the hell could it be? What's he up to, David?

Hmm? He's sleeping. David, his trousers!

Don't look, darling, it's not a pretty sight.

Oh, eh? What are...? What are you doing with my tassel?

It's all right, Mr. Needham, don't worry about a thing.

You've had a nasty dream, and, uh...

We're just getting you back to bed.

Oh, thank you. I must say,

I really rather enjoyed it.

They're back!

The vicar simply went into a state of shock.

Here. It was a full five minutes

before he could switch the projector off.

Dreadful mix-up somewhere. I wouldn't say anything

to the children. They're not used to that sort of thing.

Oh, not a word.

Oh, hello, dears. Hello, Mother. Mr. Bromley.

Did you enjoy the lecture? Well, it was different.

Good, good. Well, look, supper isn't ready quite yet,

so why don't we all go upstairs.

I'd very much value your opinion, Mr. Bromley,

on a piece of old china in Bertha's room.

- You can't show him that.- Why not?

I'm most interested in anything you have to show me.

Quickly, darling, drinks. We'll have them up here.

Good God! They're forming a guard of honor!

Come on, Mr. Needham, up you get.

Come on, Brian.

Now, you wait there.

Oh! Come on, Mr. Needham, wake up! Wake up!

We've got to get you back to bed so you can go to sleep again.

I don't want to go back to bed. I'm having such a lovely dream.

Up, up and away!

Oh, where's everybody gone? Hello, who's this?

Hello, darling. You didn't send for a couple of girls, did you?

Girls? Books. Yes, yes.

Oh, it was him who sent for us.

I'd have thought they'd send a couple of well-built blokes,

but if you think you can...

Oh!

Oh! Oh, I knew I was going to have a breakdown.

Oh, I want to confess. I want to do it now.

We're going to do it now!

No! No! I work in a bank!

Brian?

No, you can't get in with me!

It's not big enough! Yes,

it's a most interesting piece of chinaware.

Oh! Early 1920s, I should say, yes.

Don't come down yet!

You haven't seen the view from Bertha's window.

There's nothing but a blank brick wall.

Ah, but beyond that, four counties! Marvelous!

They'll get me. Don't let them get me.

Oh, no! No!

No! No! No!

Get them off.

- No, no, no...- I work in a bank.

Gotcha!

What are you doing? Don't you ever take no for an answer?

Can't you understand? We don't want you here, any of us.

So put your clothes on and go! Leave! Get out!

You've all had enough? More than enough.

We didn't want anything to start with.

There must be something wrong with you lot.

You can't be normal. Would you just please

get dressed and go!

Excuse me, is that Mr. Bromley at last?

Ah, no. No, it's not. It's not. It's my wife coming downstairs.

Another drink.

How long have I been asleep? Oh, ages. Absolutely ages.

Is anything the matter, Mr. Needham?

Must have been that sleeping capsule.

Very odd effect. Most disturbing. Oh, dear.

I think I better have another. Would you like me to get it?

Yes, please. Mister, uh, I think I'd better postpone the...

The inspection.

Postpone it? But you're not ill, are you?

No, no. It's just, uh,

I've been away from home for a rather long time,

a lot of things I want to go through with my wife.

Twit!

Here you are, Mr. Needham. You'll soon be asleep again.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Thank you and good night, Mr. and Mrs...

Happy dreams. Yes, thank you very...

Did you find it interesting? Well, yes, I did.

Although, as a matter of fact, I have seen a brick wall before.

That's it, we're packed and we're off.

At least we'll get an early night for a change.

Good God.

Oh, look, Barbara. It's Mr. Smith.

Ah, Mr. Smith.

Fancy seeing you here, love!

Of course, it was you who sent for us.

I beg your pardon.

And you used to be so regular.

It's not Mr. Smith, Barbara.

Just someone that looks like him.

We're taking Access cards now, you know.

Access takes the wanting out of waiting.

No, it's the other way round.

It takes the waiting out of wanting.

I always did get everything back to front.

Come on.Bye-bye.

Who were those people?

Shudder to think.

So that's where it's been going. You berk! I told you, 313.

Leave off, will you? Hold up, look who's arrived.

Lining up a bit this morning, aren't they?

I seem to recognize this one.

- Good morning, Leslie.- Oh, good morning.

Come on, Penny.

Oh, thank you. Good morning.

Good morning, inspector. Good morning.

Oh, thank you so much for looking after it for me.

Now, just a moment, madam.

I'm a friend of Inspector Paul's.

Sorry I'm late, Brian. I'm still trying to park me scooter.

Here's a parcel for you.

Oh, no. Not another one.

Dirty postcards, dirty films, dirty books...

Must get away! Must get away!

Excuse me.

Use my car.

Where are we going? Get after that scooter!

What's that, mate? He's got our parcel with him.

Brian has gone completely off his head!

HQ to mobiles

Foxtrot 1 and Foxtrot 2. Over.

Report your position. I'm so sorry, HQ.

The whole thing seems to be a dreadful mistake.

For heaven's sake, Mother, get rid of it!

Pickup at Grange Avenue.

There you are, Pegasus. There's a lovely feed.

You're going to enjoy that. There you are. There.

Zephyr 4 to HQ. I am proceeding towards Ascot.

Repeat, towards Ascot.

- Oi! What's your game?- Get out of it!

What about my car?

Get your car out of the road or I'll nick you for obstruction.

You'll nick me?

I've only just had that done! What? You again?

I'm after that chap on the scooter.

He's got a parcel of pornography.

What are you, mate? Some sort of sex maniac or something?

This your virility symbol, is it?

Get that car out of the way, or I'll nick you.

Go on, move! Yes, go on.

Tou... Oh, never mind.

Hey, look out, you're going the wrong way.

Oh, rubbish!

You'll have to get out of here. I'm a vegetarian, you know.

Hey, you! Hey, come here, you!

You leave him alone, or I'll put one on the lot of you!

All right. All right.

Here's the evidence. Do what you like. I resign.

I'll take that, officer. I think it belongs to me.

Just a minute!

Let's open the parcel and find out who it does belong to.

I shall make for the ports. Apply to become a stowaway.

Goodbye, Brian. I don't suppose I shall ever see you again.

Goodbye, Miss Martin.

It's Brian's digital calculator.

I shall go to Australia.

A man can walk tall in Australia.

Yes, that's it. Australia.

I can always lie about my height.