Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language, adult themes

and adult humour.

Do you ever feel like you're the worst person in the world?

I tell you Ron, we're gonna have to find this brother of his.

Jesus! Christ! I'm Sue.

So, Glen was telling me that you run the family business.

You're my brother. So, whatever it is I'll, I'll help you.

Just as long as it's not money, obviously.

Every penny we've got goes to the wedding fund.

You just gotta keep your eyes open alright, for geezers driving about

in blacked out motors with tattoos on their faces.

Glen, we are celebrating! Check the Savings Account.

What?!

(UP TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Thanks Trish. Best chips in town these!

I know.

I'll shout when your donuts is ready.

Great! Enjoy.

Yeah, will do Trish. Thank you.

It's not Trish. Sorry?

It's not Trish.

It's Julie.

That's just for marketing purposes.

Oh.

Right, OK.

Great, well thank you.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

You won't believe what Trish has just told me...

Kirsty, I, I'm sorry but I do think we need to call the bank.

Oh, for goodness sake, I've told you, look it's an app,

it'll be a glitch!

Yeah but what if it's not, Kirst? We're meant to be celebrating, Glen!

Kirst but what if it's, what if it's, you know, 'fraud'

like 'bank fraud'? or... Well, it's not gonna be that is it?

You know... Just shush and eat a chip.

...or a scam? Like e-mail scams, you know, or something like that,

I mean I don't, I don't...

What?

Call the bank, Glen. But why?

- Call the bank! - But why? Call the fucking bank.

I am doing! But why?!

OK, there was an e-mail from the bank.

But then when I looked again, it wasn't from the bank, it was like,

all spelt wrong. Kirsty.

Did you click a link? No! I don't think so.

Did you click a link Kirsty? No, I don't know.

Did you click a link Kirsty? Did I click a link?

Think Kirsty. Did you click a link? I don't know. I don't know...

- Did you click it? - I don't... BANKING VOICE: In your own words,

what is the nature of your call? I've clicked a link!

BANKING: I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that...

Hold the star key! I saw it on the One show!

- Yep, yep, alright. - Fuck! Oh my god, won't it be alright?

They'll sort it, won't they? They'll sort it out, will they,

will they sort it?! Kirst breathe, Kirsty,

Kirsty, breathe. OK, yeah! Oh shit! No!

The passwords, Glen?! For the bank! We don't know them!

I don't know them! Do you know them?

- I don't know. - I don't know, I mean... It's alright,

- we'll talk to them. - OK. And I'm sure,

I'm sure that they will... Yeah.

...be able to erm...

...Actually y'know what Kirsty, just drive.

What? Yeah, just go.

The passwords are at home. - Let's go. - But we haven't got our...

- Nah, just drive Kirsty. - OK. - Drive. Just drive Kirsty! - OK I'm...

Oi! Come and get your donuts?!

Sorry Trish! Fuck! Julie, sorry Julie!

(UP TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Go... go faster, go faster Kirsty! What? What's going on?

Faster, er, erm...

BANK: Hello there! You're speaking to Jonathan.

Whom I speaking to? Hi, it's Glen, Glen Campbell.

Do you mind if I call you Glen? No, that's completely fine.

FUCK!Can I start by taking your account number?

Glen, what's going on?! Yeah, Kirsty.

I didn't want to tell you this. But it's about Lee.

There're men looking for him. Bad men.

What? And that's who's behind us? It might be, yeah.

Are we ready with the number? Well, what do they want Lee for?

Well I don't know Kirsty, they're, they're bad men aren't they

so I mean like... What, kill him?!

Well, I don't know the details!

If you don't have your details to hand,

your personal banking PIN will do. Go left Kirsty, go left!

Where? Here!

(TYRES SCREECH)

(TYRES SCREECH) What the fuck Glen?!

Why didn't you tell me?! I didn't want to panic you, did I!

Oh brilliant, well that's panned out really well, yeah!

I'll just pop you on hold.

Glen. Brace.# BEETHOVEN: Symphony No. 9 in D minor ♪

(GLEN GROANS) (TYRES SCREECH)

Hello?

Oh shit!

(BOTH GROANING)

Oh shush, Glen. We've all seen Top Gear.

BANK: Hello?

Lee! Lee! LEE!

Fraud squad! Fraud team! We need the Fraud Squad. Whatever you call them!

Yes, yes, no I, I do understand...

but you'll still need to give me the pass...

Yes Jonathan! The passwords, yes. I'm just looking for them!

He's not here. He's not answering his phone.

Pick up, Lee... but I'll still need to get the pass...

Glen, where's the thing? Kirst your shoes!

- What thing? - The thing! The can! The fake bean can, the bean can,

- the can! - Under the sink! Where it always is...

NO! It's not there! It's not...

♪ BEETHOVEN: Symphony No. 9 in D minor # CONCLUDES

Hello?! I really do need the er...

(CARS PULL UP)

(BOTH GASP)

Call the police! I've called 911 because of movies!

(GLEN GRUNTS)

Ah! KIRSTY: Oh!

Oh!(KEYS JANGLE) (GLEN EXLAIMS)

- Um... Oh! - Lee's not here!

Whatever it is you want, he's not...

MALE VOICE: Is that you, Glen?

(GLEN PANTING)

(KEYS JANGLE) Oh Glen, no.

Hello Uncle Ron.

♪ All my bags are packed,

♪ I'm ready to go

♪ Standing here outside your door

♪ I hate to wake you up to say goodbye ♪

RON: He's fucked us. Your brother.

Taken everything we've got.

TEL: The haulage business was losing money unbeknownst to us.

Lee's kept it secret and tried to fix it.

Got deeper and deeper in debt until...

bang.

All gone tits up.

(CRUNCHING)

The firm was everything Glen. That's our savings, pensions, our futures.

Our business! That me and your dad started.

That your dad passed down to Lee.

(CRUNCHING) And now, that's all...

If he'd just told us. If he'd asked us, we could've...

But he didn't

because it's all front with your brother!

Plays the big man but when times get hard, he runs off.

(CRUNCHING)

Yeah!

Could I trouble you for another one of those wafer biscuits?

Absolutely, yeah.

How did you find me?

Er, you're on LinkedIn Glen. It doesn't take a fucking genius.

(CRUNCHING)

You can't treat people like that. People who love you.

I know the money's not coming back, I know that!

SHOUTS: He needs to look me in the eye (SNIFFLES)

and understand all the fucking pain.

It's alright mate. (RON BREATHES HEAVILY)

He owes me that much. (EXHALES)

(CRUNCHING)

So erm, when's he getting back?

♪ Kiss me and smile for me

♪ Tell me that you'll wait for me

♪ Hold me like you'll never let me go

♪ 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

♪ Don't know when... ♪

RON: He's taken everything. Yeah.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Oh. It's just Mum.

That's a lovely warm welcome, innit.

Now listen... Sue.

We're in the middle of something. Ex-cuse me?!

Mother! Have you called the police?

No. What's the point?

By the time it takes the old Bill to get their heads round it,

he'll be halfway to Torremolinos.

KIRSTY: With our wedding fund. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Sorry. It was just erm. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) FUCK!

(CLEARS HIS THROAT).

Hello?!

Who am I, the ghost of fucking Christmas past?!

Yes, we can hear you mother! Sue! Something's happened, alright.

It's erm, my brother Lee. He, he was staying here with us.

You don't say.

Now, I know he's your flesh and blood,

but I can't lie Glen, the bloke's a fucking melt.

What? Wait, you've seen him?

Seen him? Oh yeah, I've taken two buses

and a 40-minute trek down the dual carriageway

just because of that fucking prick! What, where, where, where is he?

Sue, Sue it's important. Fucked if I know?!

- Right. - He dumped me and that gay fella on the A12

after he naffed off with my Samsung Galaxy. But...

Wait! Mum, you left your phone with him?

I didn't leave it with him, he nicked off with it, didn't he!

OK. I put Find my Friends on Mum's phone,

when we thought she was stealing our ham!

Yeah, yeah. SUE: You fucking what?

YELLS: Do you mind, mum?? This actually is not about you!

Oh right, OK.

I'll sort meself out for a drink then shall I? Excuse me.

Where is he?

- KIRSTY: Oh sorry. - I'd say he's in Stanstead by now.

Costa Del Sol's Luton. Well, I seem to remember using

Stansted in the past. No! He's not at the airport!

Where, where, where is he Kirst? - He's in Dagenham? - Dag? Dagenham?

What the fuck's he doing with 15 grand in Dagenham?

He ain't got 15 grand.

He left this behind. Fucked off. Big freaky look on his face!

Fancy talking to me now, do you?

Is that all of it??

Minus 50 quid... for my trouble.

Hang on, hang on, no... BUNNY: Wait a second.

Isn't Dagenham where their Dad erm...

In... Oh fuck! Oh!

Glen? (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

♪ GLEN CAMPBELL: Rhinestone Cowboy ♪

♪ I've been walkin' these streets so long

♪ Singin' the same old song

♪ I know every crack in these dirty

♪ Sidewalks of Broadway

♪ Where hustle's the name of the game

♪ And nice guys get washed away like the snow in the rain

♪ There's been a load of compromising

♪ On the road to my horizon

♪ But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪

♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪

♪ CALIBRO 35: Per un pugno di dollari ♪

GLEN: It's alright Kirst. You stay there, I know where he'll be.

KIRSTY: Wait, wait. Glen, Glen.

(DISTANT MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ Like a Rhinestone Cowboy

♪ Getting cards and letters

♪ From people I don't even know

♪ And offers comin' over the phone... (CAR DOOR OPENS)

♪ Like a... ♪

How could you?

After I welcomed you back.

That's... Oh.

(SNIFFS)

So what, you just gonna fuck off, yeah?

Stay here for the night and then er, what just drive away, fuck off?

Run away like you always do?

Somethin' like that.

(SCOFFS, LAUGHS)

I should've known. (SNIFFS)

You...

you are a selfish piece of shit.

No, no.

Honestly, I don't know how you can fucking live with yourself!

What are you-you are fucking kidding me.

No, no, no leave it! No. Fucking...

GLEN SHOUTS: No! Don't! You don't get to...

No! You do not get to do this you selfish twat!

SHOUTS: Who the fuck are you to tell me what I get to do?!

Questioning me? You haven't got a clue! The FUCKING pressure!

SHOUTS: The fucking...

Do you want to talk about it, or...

You've been a baby your whole life!

No responsibilities.

Protected from everything.

No responsibility?

Mum shielded you from it all!

Except the responsibility of looking after her.

Oh, here we go. Trump card.

Yeah. You left Lee!

You left her all-all alone.

Through her illness, through everything.

Where were you through that bit, eh?

When she got sick and I had to... I had to look after her!

Where, where were you through that?

Oh yeah, that's it, I remember, out, off your head on fucking...

pingers!

I don't know the terminology do I. I was grieving my Dad!

- Oh sure. - You have no fucking idea what it was like for me when he died!

I've been trying to live up to him my whole life!

Trying to be the big man!

SHOUTS: D'you think i wanted that?!

I just wanted one chance...

just to make him...

all I ever wanted was to make him...

...Proud?

Yeah.

I reckon it's a bit late for that, ain't it?

(CARS APPROACH)

Ron and the boys, told us everything.

No more secrets. Alright?

Yeah.

It's all out in the open. It's just...

we'll try and sort this mess out, whatever that looks like.

It's over.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It's over.

(CAR DOORS OPEN)

It's fine Kirst! (SIGHS) He's gonna...

...everything's gonna be alright. He's just...(CAR DOORS LOCK)

Lee?

Lee? (CAR STARTS)

Lee? Lee!

(ENGINE REVS) Lee!

(TYRES SQUEAL)

RON: It's a bloody gas tank!

(GLEN SCREAMS)

♪ CATERINA CASELLI: Il Silenzio Vale Piu Delle Parole ♪

♪ Il silenzio vale piu delle parole

♪ Ma negli occhi tuoi... (GLEN SCREAMS)

♪ Sta morendo... ♪ (KIRSTY GASPS)

(COLLISION BANG)

(METAL CLANGS)

BUNNY: Ha, it's fucking empty!

Oh my god!

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

(GASPS)

(CAR DOOR SQUEAKS)

(LEE GROANS)

BUNNY: Tonight Matthew, I am going to be...

TEL: Bunny!

LEE: Can't even fucking get that right!

Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, come out and we can, we can go home and we,

we can erm, well I don't know what but I'm sure that we'll all...

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(LIGHTER IGNITES) BUNNY: Oh, for fuck's sake,

he's gonna flambe himself! No, no, no, don't do that!

Right, to be honest Lee, I think it'd just burn your hair off but...

LEE SHOUTS: Fuck off!

Glen... What?

(DRIPPING PETROL)

No. Stay back!

Just. Just-just put it down, Lee. LEE: Fuck off! Leave me alone!

No, no I won't do that, actually.

Go! I'm shit!

No, you're not shit.

You're... well yeah alright, actually you are a bit shit

but, but, but y'know, we're all shit. Aren't we? Ey?

Glen?

Here.

Lee?

Look at me then, you prawn.

♪ M PEOPLE: Movin On Up ♪

Ey?

(SPOONS CLANGING)

Come on... (SPOONS CLANGING CONTINUES)

It's your bit, remember?

(SPOONS CLANGING CONTINUES)

Come on, come on.

You gonna dance or what?

I can't do it without you Lee.

♪ ..you broke my heart

♪ There's no way back... (SPOONS CLANGING CONTINUES)

♪ ..Move right outta here baby

♪ Go on pack your bags

♪ Just who do you think you are?

♪ Stop acting like some kinda star.. #That's it.

BUNNY: I won't lie. I did not expect this.

Alright, yeah, that's it.

♪ ..Take it like a man baby if that's what you are

♪ 'Cause I'm moving on up (CLANGING SPOONS CONTINUE)

♪ You're moving on out

♪ Moving on up

♪ Nothing can stop me

♪ I'm moving on up

♪ You're moving on out... ♪ (GLEN SOBS)

Why didn't you just leave me?

Cause I love you, don't I you twat.

You stupid bloody massive twat.

Come on. No.

What? Dad.

- TEL: Leave it mate! - LEE: He's all over the fucking dashboard!

BUNNY: We can come back with a fucking hoover.

LEE: Will we fuck!

Lee, please, come on. No!

- Come on! - What kind of a son would I be if I left him!?

In the middle of a fucking factory!

RON: Lee!

That's not yer Dad!

You what?

Your Dad's not dead!

Your Dad, your... (SIGHS)

Your Dad's in fucking Tenerife.

(MUSICAL STING) BUNNY: For fucks sake!

♪ XAVIER CUGAT: El Cumbanchero ♪

I'm sorry, Tenerife?

WHISPERS: He's running a jerk chicken place

in Playa de Las Americas.

Your Mum made me swear I'd never tell you.

Ah well.

Sorry Jaqui.

Jerk chicken?

BUNNY WHISPERS: Yeah it's, it's similar to Piri-Piri,

just not quite as spicy.

Honestly, just talk normal. She's not gonna wake up.

SHOUTS: Are you mum?

See.

But what about the... RON: Ashes? Well sure.

Only your Mum was best mates with Jeff Gardner who had a...

what-d'you-call-it?

Pet crematorium.

What so it's a fucking labrador Well...

Not necessarily.

Could've been a large cat or maybe a baby donkey.

(BANGING AT DOOR)

Oh, it's Roger next door.

Just ignore him.

WHISPERS: Listen, I know you've had a hard day of it.

What with all this and the bit when you tried to top yourself,

twice.

I understand there are mental issues in here and all that,

but at the end of the day we're all out of a job unless things get fixed.

This is a big mess to clean up, Lee.

And you, you are the man who wields the mop.

Alright Bun.

No, no, Tel, he's right.

What I've done it's er...

all them fucking years, trying to live up to dad

and it turns out...

He left Mum with two kids and opened a jerk chicken shop?

Yeah...

(SIGHS)

BUNNY: All the same we'll expect you first thing Monday morning yeah.

(BANGING ON DOOR) ROGER: I know you're in there!

Move these ruddy cars off my drive!

What if I had visitors?!

(LEE SIGHS)

I'm just gonna go and have one of these. (EXHALES)

(DOOR OPENS)

BUNNY: Alright, well, thanks be the fuck that's all sorted.

BOTH: Hang on.

No but, look at him...

surely we can't... Glen, if he doesn't come back,

we don't have a chance of getting this sorted, like.

There's no alternative.

Well...

what if the company were to accept a Bridging Loan of say...

...I dunno like, of just over 15,000 or...

Kirsty! No! She means the wedding money.

It's the right thing to do love.

Kirst, we can't just give away all... We're not giving it away.

They'll make it back in like...

yeah, I mean it will take, years. But...

You don't want to get married? That's what it is!

No, that's not what it is. Of course not.

I think, maybe just the idea like, took over a little bit.

And, well maybe a bit more like focussed on that than we were on us?

And we're so much better now, aren't we?

And I'm so glad.

But yeah, if it means just delaying the wedding a little bit then...

...that is what I think we should do.

If you agree?

If that's what you want, yeah.

(BANGING ON DOOR) Open up immediately!

I shan't ask again! Roger, we're having a bit

of a, we've had a family... I don't give a tuppenny toss, son!

KIRSTY: Glen.

Alright, Roger!

RON: Love, that's your wedding?

ROGER: You want to watch your tone chum!

Didn't your mother teach you any manners!

Actually, sorry, can I just get my cagoule please, I'm just gonna...

KIRSTY: Yeah.

W-w-why?

No, nothing, just er, won't be a minute, I'll er...

yeah. Glen...

SHOUTS: Bring it, cunt! (UP TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

(GRUNTING, GROANING)

(GASPS) (THUMPING)

Morning!

Oh! (ALARM WAILS)

(THUMPING, GROANING CONTINUES)

Stinky old man!

Where will you go?

Don't worry about me mate, I'll be fine.

Well...

It's been... Yeah.

I just wanna say something.

It's important that you don't respond OK, don't respond,

just erm acknowledge it, give me a nod.

I er...

I love ya.

(CAR STARTS)

(CAR REVS)

You big nonce!

You alright?

Yeah, yeah yeah.

It's for the best though, eh love?

Hmm, hm, you're right, yeah, yeah.

Well. Shall we go inside, put the kettle on.

Ooh we can catch the last bit of... FUCK!

Lee! ♪ Ba ba ba ba ba

Wait! ♪ Ba ba ba ba

♪ Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

♪ Ba ba ba ba ba ba... (PHONE PINGS)

♪ ..Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

♪ Ba ba ba ba baaaa...

Actually...

I still... Oh Christ I'm unfit... hmmm.

(PHONE PINGS)

You can't go just yet. We've got business.

Hey? Got family business.

Glen. I need you to stay, alright,

because...

I want to find Dad.

I want to find dad and I want to punch him in the fucking face!

♪ Sleep like a baby... Shut up and reverse you shit!

Kirst!

(PHONE PINGS) ♪ My little lady...

Kirsty!

He's gonna stay Kirst! He said... Oh?

Oh, fuck me! (CLEARS THROAT)

We're gonna find Dad!

We're gonna find... Oh, that's great!

Yeah, yeah. Innit? I know!

Oh... yeah... yeah.

You sure? Yeah of course!

Right!

♪ ..Turns on the day

♪ In the Avenues and Alleyways

♪ While you sleep there's a whole world coming alive

♪ Abel and his brother,

♪ Fighting one another

♪ In and out of every dive

♪ The Avenues and Alleyways

♪ Where the strong and the quick alone can survive

♪ Look around the jungle see the rough and tumble

♪ Listen to a squealer cry ♪

Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky