Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

I borrowed some money off some naughty people.

Gotta lie low for a bit. It's nothing.

We're gonna have to find this brother of his.

I don't have many strong male friendships...

But it feels like that's changing.

Bye, love! See you later. Dance class, yeah?

Cause I've only lumped you half my life savings for your wedding.

I hope you're not gonna take my cash and fuck off to Marbella, ey Lee?

Do you not fancy me anymore?

I think you might wanna talk to Kirsty about her suspension.

Do you ever feel like you're the worst person in the world?

Right, well, that's erm... Yeah.

Thanks for... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bye. See you later.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ LA PANDILLA: Me Gustaria Ensenar Al Mundo a Cantar ♪

Hi love. AH, FUCK!

Erm, you're- We closed early, so...

Oh.

Left your bag in the car.

Lee?

Erm, I er, er, he...

Saw her. On the street.

Yeah.

Picked her up, dropped her off. Right.

Right. But, hang on-

('STRICTLY COME DANCING' MUSIC PLAYS)

Buenasera mi amoressss!

How we feeling up in here?!

Scuse lateness! She is run off her feet.

This is my lunch, would you believe?

Right, are we ready?!

Midweek warmup in 5,6,7,8 and...

Are we staying sir?

They need to get used to an audience.

Show a bit of support! Come on!

You know you want to!

Great! Now positive vibes only inside the space is all I ask.

Also £2 donation for spectators.

Pop it in the tub.

6, 7, 8 and come on...

(SALSA MUSIC)

Ooh and move your hips!

Bitch! Why are you screening my calls?

What if I was on fire or some shit?

Anyway, listen...

Y'know you said 'Don't tell anyone about your brother' yeah?

Well, see, thing is... (MAN TUTTS)

Don't 'tut' me, sweat patch!

Get some deodorant, have some self-respect!

Stinky prick!

So, there was this bloke, right...

So... How was work?

Oh, yeah, y'know, just usual.

And here we go! And...

Ladies and gentlemen,

please, welcome to the floor,

the new Mr and Mrs Campbell with... The Lambada!

♪ GUNS N' ROSES: Sweet Child O' Mine ♪

Love it! Yes, yes.

Lead, Glen!

Come on! From the hips! The hips!

Thing about the lambada, see? Dominance.

Right, if he can't lead, I'm sorry, the whole thing goes to-

ARGH!! OH MY GOD!!

Ah, shit.

I think I-I've scratched... - I've scratched the cornea. - Glen!

Just pull it away! Be careful, be careful! Be careful!

There. You're free. Argh!

I've, I've, I've got some erm, eyedrops in my bag...

Very brittle hair, haven't ya?

You wanna sort that, darling?

It's your iron, love, you're deficient.

I'll just, er, won't be a sec...

Not so fast, Mr Spectator! Let's see what you got, ey?

Oh, no, let's not.

I won't expect footwork, just wheel her about while she runs the choreo!

No. No, you're alright.

I won't take no for an answer! You might have to, my darling.

Ah! He's not got what it takes for Latin. Heavy tread, y'see?

You fucking what? No, no! It's fine.

I can't expect you - to be able to lead. - I'm able.

Canning Town Break Dance Champion 1999.

That shit stays with you.

I mean, I don't think you should- Come here, now!

5, 6, 7, 8, let's go!

(MUSIC CONTINUES) Love it!

Ooh, hello!

Oh. It's great to have someone finally lead, eh?!

AYSHA: I just thought you should know, man's a proper dodgy geezer, innit.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

6, 7, 8...

Stealing my lady, is it?

Right, well... I'm going.

If I can make it.

What with me heavy treads.

Lee, Lee, mate, wait erm...

Glen, you need to go and dance with your fiancee.

Oh, Lee!

Er, listen, weird question but

you don't know any scary Irish blokes, do you?

Something about a rabbit tattoo or...

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) What?

Oh, no, forget it.

No, it's just Aysha at work being weird. See you later.

Ok, let's go! And 5, 6, 7, 8...

♪ JOHNNY HALLYDAY: Noir C'est Noir ♪

Oh, couldn't sleep?

Nah. No, me neither.

I've just been doing a deep clean.

I just do it with the lights off,

it's just a bit more sort of... mindful.

Erm... listen, Lee.

I was just thinking that, erm...

maybe, you could find erm...

find somewhere else to stay.

Oh.

Because everything was fine...

...like, we were fine.

And now, I dunno-

Yeah. Alright.

What?

Nothing.

I'll go.

Right. Right.

Oh god, oh no...

Ohhhhh... Yeah, yeah.

I'm so sorry.

It's just the boys, they hang a little bit lower nowadays-

Yes, no, I can see that. Yeah...

Anyway, shut the fridge, Kirst. Save the planet.

I think I'm just gonna go and get some sleep.

Night, night. Yeah. Night, night.

Busy day at work today, do you reckon, love?

Yeah. I've got loads on.

I know, love...

about your job...

And to be honest, love, I'm a...

...I'm a bit scared...

Cause like... you know,

you're always telling me about work, about your day,

about how Liz from Accounts has had a blonde bob done

and how she looks the spit of He-man.

And you know...

...if you can lie to me about all that then...

what else might you be lying about, y'know?

What? (TOOTHBRUSH BUZZES)

What? What is it?

I know, Kirst.

I found out.

I'm so sorry. I don't know how it happened.

I know that's your brother, it's just... (GARBLED SPEECH)

You'll have to spit that out love, I can't tell a word you're saying.

Listen, I'll go downstairs, I'll put the kettle on.

And then, I need you to tell me everything.

Ok. Alright.

Like why they suspended you in the first place.

♪ LESLEY GORE: You Don't Own Me ♪

Fuckin hell. Do you think it's a lot?

I mean...

Fuckin hell. What are these?

Er, Homewares.

Yeah, and I had a bit of a B&Q phase,

so I've got quite a lot of these extendable magnetic pens.

They're, like, for getting things down the back of radiators.

Like, look, oh... Spare keys!

So... What about these?

Body jewels. Yeah, I don't know what that was about.

And the printer cartridges...

...that's why I was suspended.

Kirst, there's loads of 'em. Yeah, 28.

We don't have a printer.

(SIGHS) No, it's not...

It's just like...

doing it.

It makes me feel...

I don't know, like...

...special.

Alright?

You're not at work?

She's told me, Lee. Everything. Haven't you?

Well... What? About the-

He knows that I've been suspended and I've been stealing from work.

Yeah. Where've you been?

Run.

Run? Yes.

You alright? Yeah, I'm alright, yeah. You?

I'm alright, yeah. You alright?

Gonna put the kettle on.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SULTRY FRENCH MUSIC)

I'm so stupid.

I was doing so well.

I'm basically a paralegal.

I do more work than half the solicitors there and now...

Oh, yeah, that's a Knight of the Round Table...

Oh, I don't know why. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I'm such a freak.

You're not. You're not, Kirst. Don't say that.

You know you've got a... what is it?

A mental health thingy.

Probably cause your mum's a psychopath, to be honest.

And a-actually, they shouldn't be firing you

for an actual... manageable...

What?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Kirsty. Get your fucking shoes on.

Aysha, I need you to hold the fort. I'll be about an hour.

This is jokes, man. I'm on my own here.

I don't know how them tills work!

Maybe now would be a good time to-

how d'you not know how the tills works?

Glen! Er, I gotta go. Sorry.

I can't slow down. If I slow down, I won't do it.

Lip balm! Alright, here...

I'm so dry. You're making me nervous.

This is what Deborah Meaden feels like every single day.

It's so stressful. I fucking love it!

Come on!

(PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, fuck off.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)

Are they expecting you? They're not, Becky, no.

Well that shouldn't still work, should it?

I need to sign you in- No, he's with me!

No. He needs a lanyard.

Just push through, just push through it, push through!

Look don't you dare call security, Becky! don't you dare!

Daryl?! Daryl, I might need you!

Let's have it, you cunt!

(GRUNTS) Who the fuck are you?

- Jesus Christ! - No, he's a skinny bloke in a loincloth, now who are ya?

Alright, alright, alright, I'm Lee. I'm Glen's brother!

Why didn't you say then, you dickhead?

What did you hit me with?!

Oh, it's a chicken, innit.

Who the fuck are you?

Ay! Sue. Pleasure.

And if anyone asks,

they gave me a key so's I can come and go as I please, alright?

Yeah, whatever.

I've gotta go.

Fuck! The bag!

Oh my God, I'm shaking. I can feel my arse vibrate.

You got my cue cards? There's nothing on them, love.

Yeah, I know, they're just a power prop, aren't they?

Get with it!

(LIFT PINGS) Door opening.

Sorry.

(PHONE RINGS)

Sue! Don't answer the phone!

(PHONE RINGS) Do not answer that fucking-

Hello?

Glen? No, he's at work at the moment, what's it about?

Oh, the other Mister Campbell? Yeah... You must mean Lee!

Fuck!

Mark Raynor. He's the one that gave me the suspension.

Smirk on his face when he did it.

Well, I am gonna march into his office.

And I am gonna say, "Mark, you...

"..are a turd!"

Not sure that'll get your job back, love.

I'm just pumping myself up, aren't I?

Glen! Work with me here. OK!

I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna say,

"Mark, you thought you could push me out."

"And you thought you were better than me."

"But the truth is Mark, you are a worm."

"You are a tiny little worm boy underneath my shoe Mark and I..."

What? What is wrong with you?

I erm...

I'll take the next one.

I suppose, if we're being honest, I em...

I think I quite like it when you talk to me like Mark from HR.

Change of plan.

You're reimbursing 'em for this one, mate. That one's not on me.

Car keys. You off?

Where you going? I could do with a lift into town.

Opposite direction!

A12, is it? Cause I've got some business that way too!

What did I do with them?

You looking for these?

What's the magic word?

Don't you fucking try me, girl.

Charming!

At least drop me at the precinct. You gotta go that way!

Oh! S... sorry.

What the fuck do you want?

There's something I need to say.

It's rather pressing so I've written it down.

I have the cards here- Move your fucking car!

Yes, well, I-I- if I could just r-read this first-

Lee!

(CAR STALLS) Although it's been but a few days

from the moment we met-

(ENGINE ROARS) Oh fuck!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Fuck!

Get out!

What do you think you're doing? PERVERT!

Sorry, but as I say this is rather pressing.

FUCKING HELL!!!

Oops.

I dropped my ring binder.

That's a... lever arch file-

Shhhh...

Fetch.

I didn't tell you to stand. Did I?

Don't make me cross,

you little...

twat.

Sorry, sorry, is that not...?

Sorry, sorry...

Erm, you... pathetic little man.

You've come in handy, you have.

I'm up and down the A12 like a blue-arsed fly.

'Mother of the bride'. I've got a list of jobs as long as my tits.

I'm DJing the wedding. Gotta try out some kit.

Take a left here.

Who are you then?

I'm Lee's friend and Glen's boss, but mostly Lee's friend.

Ooh, nice when blokes have friends, innit.

Like Michael Ball and Alfie Boe.

Thanks, Paul!

(BOTH GROAN)

Hello Jen. Looking for something?

Oh my god.

Mm. Disgusting, isn't he?

(GROANS)

(PHOTOCOPIER WHIRS)

Right, we're here.

Get out now.

Alright!

Lively darling, yeah!

Ta-tah!

I want you out n'all. But I haven't-

Maybe another time, yeah? I... I'll just spin through it.

Dear Lee, though it's been but a few days

from the moment we met...

I felt-

I felt an overwhelming sense of peace...

A P-peace the likes of which never...

No, no, no!

She's got m'fucking bag!

FUCK!

Keep moving.

Oh, piss off, Daryl. Your jumper's inside out.

D'you know what, Glen, I've been thinking actually...

fuck this place.

I can get another job, easy. Maybe even a full paralegal.

Oh my god. Kirsty, I didn't even tell you.

I got the promotion!

What?! I-I got it, yeah!

I know, since everything happened, I didn't-

(CHEERS)

Bye, twats!

(SALSA MUSIC)

Where's your manager? Tell him I want a test drive.

He's on lunch, I can't really do-

Look, son, I might be dropping a grand on these decks,

a tuna baguette can wait.

Keats himself wrote, 'Truth is beauty and beauty is truth'.

Well, who am I to scorn such words...

Here. I've brought my own USB, mate.

There's a few tracks I wanna try out, alright.

Oi Topknot! Hit the lights!

SUE! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG BAG-

(FEEDBACK SCREECHES)

(THROUGH PA): One, two. One, two.

♪ GUNS N' ROSES: Sweet Child O' Mine ♪

Ladies and Gentlemen,

the bride and groom...

Kirsty and Glen, this is your big day!

(AIRHORN SFX BLASTS)

Everything you've worked and saved so bloody hard for...

Lee, I've been living a lie.

Running from the truth.

But now I see myself for who I really am.

Cause that's what it's all about... Family.

And now I think I see a way through,

a way to put things right...

And family looks out for each other. Always.

(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) I felt something Lee...

something new and maybe...

Just maybe...

...you've felt it too.

Oh...

Now, get this one down ya!

(DANCE MUSIC)

Right, Glen, we are celebrating.

Yeah. Yeah! First up, I wanna go Trish's-

- You wanna go Trish's? - Yeah. Yeah, we can go Trish's.

And then cocktails, like, fancy ones.

Yeah? That's not gonna break the bank, is it?

Go on, check the savings account.

Alright, one moment, caller. Drum roll, please.

Oh, my god. This is it!

Yeah, I think everything's falling into place for us, Glen.

And do you know what, actually, from here on in,

I think everything is going to be absolutely...

What?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS)

Kirst...

♪ THE OUTHERE BROTHERS: Boom, Boom, Boom ♪

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