Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

You know how I feel about secrets. There's this big one in the garden.

- Your dick pills, Glen. - When are you gonna stop letting people

treat you like shit. Dickwad!

He, er, wants you to cover for him tomorrow as acting assistant manager.

- Cheers, Ian! - Someone's been a naughty boy, ain't they?

Promise me there's nothing dodgy - going on. - Who you been talking to?

I'm gone, so call 'em off!

Does the name Bunny ring a bell?

(ROUSING MUSIC)

I'm the man.

I'm the man!

I'm the fucking... ..manager for today, with Ian off sick.

So, I thought, "Hey, why not shake things up a bit?"

Agh, mine's stale Glen, can I swap it?

I want your suggestions. What can we do better? Throw it out there,

whatever you wanna say. This one's shit and all.

Let's make this a more engaged workplace environment.

And maybe, just maybe,

we'll sell a few more quality flooring systems along the way!

Bullshit. Sorry?

You're manager now? Just like that?

Er, well, no, acting assistant manager-Bullshit!

Eugh! I know what's going on here!

Fuck me, there's custard in this?

You think I'm dumb? You think I'm a dumb fool?

Oh, no... I heard you! Chatting up Ian in the bogs!

No, no, Bri-Brian that's not what happened. It's not li-Rat!

Rat tactics! What?!

Chill out, grandad! Shush, you!

Oh, OK, let's make this- Did he... Did he just shush me?

Simmer down. (LAUGHS) Don't shush me, fucking liquorice breath!

OK, not that sort of language- Who even eats liquorice?

Shits from the past. Like you! Aysha, Aysha I've got this!

I'm on your side, dickhead. Go, and open up,

it's nearly nine. Now, go! Or what, Glen?

You gonna throw noodles at me?

What? Yes, bruv. I've seen the video!

Ian's not gotten sick. Ian's gotten criminally insane. Look!

(VIDEO LOOPS) IAN: "Suck that! Suck that."

Yes, bruv! You and Ian, is it? Cheeky little date night?

I bloody knew it!

Erm...

♪ EDWIN STARR: Time ♪

♪ Well, well, well, well, well. ♪

(TAPPING NEARBY)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(MOANS) Oh, no.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

- Oh. - Oh, sorry, won't be a minute. I don't mind if you don't.

(WATER RUNNING) OK...

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Suits me, dunnit? Er, yeah, erm...

Oh, sorry. (LAUGHS)(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Er, so, no work today, no?

No. I've got a day off today, so I'm taking my Mum out,

bit of retail therapy! - How lovely. - Mm.

That's good of you that is, - using up your holiday. - Yeah, well,

she's helping us with the wedding fund so...

It's mental the amount people spend nowadays. Huh?

Fifteen, twenty grand, some of 'em.

Well, it's our big day, so... Course it is.

And you want everything - to be just right. - Yeah.

Glen was saying you might be staying with us for a couple of days?

Only... if it's alright with you.

Oh, yeah, absolutely, brilliant. Yeah, great.

Do you know, I might just... I'm gonna give you some space,

OK, thank you. Oh! (LAUGHS)

No! No! No! I'm not working my butthole off... Please...

Brian, Brian... Ugh... all day just to make you look good!

Fire him, Glen. Who cares?

The man's a fucking incel. You hear that?!

Abuse! Right there!

I've taken this from her - for too long! - Shush man,

you don't know shit about shit. Look, Brian,

m-m-m-maybe we could just talk this through, yeah?

M-m-m-m-m-maybe... it's time I pulled the trigger.

- No. - Let's see what HR has to say about this.

Please, Brian. Not... Brian no, no,

Come on, man. Helen.

Get your fleece. We're leaving.

Are those two shagging? Huh.

Brian? Br-Brian...

No, don't, Brian...

B-Brian... And to think, Glen,

I wasn't going to tell anyone about your dick pills.

Mic drop.

(CLICKING CONTINUES)

(SWISHING WATER) - - Don't do that. - Hmm? - Don't rinse.

Keep the fluoride in, - good for the enamel and that. - Erm...

Oh, well, I didn't know that.

Right, thanks. So, when is the big day?

Erm, so it's just over three months away now.

So, will you...? Will you be joining - us? - Well, obviously,

if I can, you know, but, erm...

Yeah, no, well it'll be brilliant to have you there.

I mean, like I say, I, you know... Yeah, of course, hey.

(TAP CREAKS) Oh, do you know what, Lee?

Erm, do you know what I just don't quite understand, is, erm-Uh-oh.

(WATER DRIPPING)

Mm... Glen been neglecting his manly duties?

Sorry? Not keeping his end up?

Your tap. Needs a washer.

- Yeah. - It's been like that - for a while, ain't it? - Yeah.

Yeah. - For God's sake, Glen. - I know.

(GROANS) (TAP CREAKS)

(STRAINS) (SIGHS)

I'll slip out today,

go get you one. Brilliant.

Make myself useful while I'm here. Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.

He's put in a formal complaint.

Harassment, discrimination and unfair promotion.

It's... I'm fucked.

Let it go, bruv, Brian's a poosio.

Man's like a Tik Tok lesbian. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Aysha...

don't take this the wrong way, but...

are you never worried, like, you might get fired?

Only cos, like, I'm not being funny,

but you are... You're sort of quite bad at your job, aren't you?

Mate. You gotta let that energy go.

It's just like, fate or whatever, you know? Like 'YOLO' and that.

(CLICKS TONGUE) (SIGHS) Also, my family own the company.

What? World of Carpets, yeah.

Fourteen stores across the Southeast.

We're like... minted. Don't tell no one, though.

- Alright. - And I won't tell no one about your... Yeah?

Alright? Yeah, yeah.

Christ, like, it's nearly one o'clock.

How's not one person come through those doors?

(GASPS) Wait,

I knew there was something. I knew it!

(LAUGHS) What?

Cos you asked me to unlock them, didn't you?!

(LAUGHS)

Fuck! (DOOR RATTLES)

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(HULA HOOPS CRUNCH)

(EASY-GOING MUSIC)

What, mate, don't take them all! (SCOFFS)

Oi? I only want...

one pack.

Chill out, bruh, it's not that deep.

(SCOFFS)

(LAUGHS)

(SNIFFLES) Believe me, Ron, I'm looking.

Lee fucking Campbell.

When I find him, I'll fucking...

It's like... It's like... It's like...

looking for a cunt in a haystack.

I was standing there first, and you saw me.

They'll have more in the back! I couldn't give a fuck

what's in the back. It's about the fucking principle.

Fuck off, you fucking nonce!

I know, Ron, I know.

I heard what you said, I know, I'm fucking...

My eyes are peeled, yes...

(TRANQUIL MUSIC)

Just taking a little break. Just - picking up a few things, yeah? - Oi!

Hang on a sec, shut up, will ya?

Shush!(PA CHIMES) MAN: (VIA PA): "Gavin to wood flooring."

"Gavin to wood flooring, please." Ron,

you are not gonna believe this!

Ugh! (WHISTLES JOVIALLY)

Here you are.

(COIN CLINKS) Keep the change, my darling.

You're 5p short. (WHISTLING CONTINUES)

It's him, Ron. It's actually fucking him!

He's here in Loughton. Yeah.

Looks like we're gonna have to find this brother of his.

Bloody swines! Tried to turn me away.

You can't use the loos unless you make a purchase.

Fucking Nazis! I mean, I said, "It's Costa Coffee love,

- "not Dachau!"Mother! - He backed down when I pointed out I'm on my stick.

I do need it, Kirsty. My symptoms come and go.

Now... (CLEARS THROAT) Right, I need some "eyeshadder".

I've had my colours done, turns out I'm fucking "winter"!

Right, I'll wait here. You what?

I'll wait here. I'll wait here. I just wanna look at...

things. Oh, right. OK.

I'll just ask some rando shall I, what suits me best? Don't worry,

cos I've only lumped you half my fucking life savings

for your wedding, but no, you wait there, why not(?)

What do ya think? Yeah.

- Yeah? - It's nice, yeah. I want a second opinion.

- No! Come on. - Honestly! What the shit has crawled up your arse and died!

Oh, right. That again.

- - What? - No. It's your business. - No. What are you, erm...?No, no, no.

Just as long as you sort it out - before your wedding. - No... (SCOFFS)

OK, it has nothing to do with- No.

Everything's really good, actually. Yeah, we're really...

Yeah, Glen's, erm, actually up for promotion at the moment, so...

Least one of yous working, aye? Look, I've said it before,

I'll say it again. Fucking and feeding,

that's all men need. You keep that - up, you're laughing. - Hmm.

That's where it went wrong with your dad. Always with a Fray Bentos

but when it come to intercourse- We are nothing like you and Dad! OK?

- Oh? - No, actually, yeah, Glen, if anything...

(EXHALES SHARPLY) ..my God, he wants it too much, so... Bully for you.

Right, Matalan.

They'll try and give you grief about not being able

to return underwear, but say I've been on martinlewis.com,

I know my rights. Mm-hmm.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Alright, love! Fuck. Sorry.

Hiya, love, hiya. What?

What? Y-You're...

You're doing a face. What? I'm not.

You are a bit. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Am I?

Oh, erm...

(SIGHS) OK, well,

I was gonna wait to talk to you about this, but, erm...

Yeah, I've just... I found these, so...

Erm, and I-I'm not cross, not at all, no.

I just... We'd said no secrets, hadn't we?

So... - I don't need 'em. So... What? - Er,

just in case, but you know I don't need em, so-

Yeah, but I'd like to talk to you about it, Glen.

It's fine, Kirsty. Can you just- OK, no, but can you,

because we did used to didn't we? Like, quite often.

It's nothing, if you just- Do you not fancy me anymore?

I love you to bits, Kirst. But you don't...

Course! I... Kirst... Kirsty!

I'm actually, just gonna, because... Yeah, no. Well, don't...

What I'm saying is... You don't need to throw them in the bin,

- Glen. - The thing is, I don't need them Kirst! So...(DOOR OPENS)

Alright? - Hiya! - Alright?

Got the washer for your tap.

Oh, brilliant, brilliant!

- Cup of tea? - Yeah. - - Yes, please. - Lovely. - Thank you!

(CUPS CLINK) What don't you need?

Hmm?

You were just saying. Erm...

Right, yes, er, we... we... we... we...

we were just talking about- About Orthopaedic insoles.

- - Orthopaedic insoles. - Yeah. - Yeah, I don't need em. So... (LAUGHS)

Right. - Yes. - Congratulations.

(LAUGHS) Mm. Thank you, yeah, cos I... I bought some.

For the dance. - For the wedding dance, yeah. - Yeah,

we've been practising for months! Yeah.

And I often get a twinge on the- - On the pas de bourree. - Yeah,

yes so I bought some, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT) But I, erm...

I... I don't need them, actually. (CUP CLINKS)

So... You sure?

Yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm feeling much better so, erm...

...maybe later let's, erm... have a bash at the paso doble.

Tea for ya. Oh, aha!(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

- Thank you. - Now, go and put your trotters up. I'll fix your tap.

Go on. Ah... Yeah.

(WHISPERS): Why is he wearing my shorts?

♪ JOAO GILBERTO: Bim Bom ♪

♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim

♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bom... ♪

Sorry, I do just keep thinking about Ian.

Right.

Just... Just, like, if-if, you know, he's not there tomorrow,

then am I manager still? Is he manager-Glen!

Shall we... Pasa doble?

Yeah. - Yeah? - Yes.(CHUCKLES)

I might just actually just...

Er, do you mind if I, erm, just b--b-brush my teeth.

Mm-hmm. (DOOR OPENS)

Yep. (DOOR SLAMS)

(OWL HOOTS)

(CAR DRIVES PAST AT SPEED) (DOG BARKS)

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

WOMAN: "You are a tower of strength.

"A volcano of masculine energy.

Won't be a minute, Kirst! "Your penis is..."

(WATER RUNNING)

(WATER RUNNING) "You are a totem of virility.

"Your penis is a mighty redwood."

Coming, I'll be right there. Mm-hmm.

"You are strong,

"magnificent.

"You are a totem of virility.

"A volcano of masculine energy...

"a tower of strength."Agh! (VIA LOUDSPEAKER): "Your penis

is a mighty redwood.

"You are st..."

How long?

Right.

(SIGHS) Get your fucking shoes on.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS) (ENGINE REVS)

Glen? (CAR DEPARTS)

Glen?

Wait... Wait!

We cannot be here!

I'm not even supposed to be bloody- Shut your fucking mouth

and get your clothes off. What?

Get your clobber off... (TORCH THUDS SOFTLY)

...down to your pants.

OK. No.

That is actually... Argh! I want it off.

Get off. Get off me.

Argh. Alright! Alright!

Just fucking tell me what we're - supposed to be doing. - I know you.

Now, you might have the world fooled with your old man trousers

and your tidy little borders but you can't fool me, son, I'm your brother.

There's a mad cunt inside you,

and we gotta get him out. So, we're gonna fight.

Man to man, skin to skin.

Because that Glen, that's what you need.

What?! No, I don't need that...

- Argh! - You wanna get hard? Get off me! Ugh!

Get off! (GROANING) Off!

Come on, mate, let's get you hard! Argh.

Huh? Who is it?!

Reveal yourself!

I can't fucking believe this!

(SIREN WAILS OUTSIDE)

So, it's fight club? It's not fight club.

- Yes, it's fight club. - It sounds a lot like-It's not fight club.

It's fight club. Ian, why are you here?

I got booked by the rozzers, Glen! Why didn't you just go home?

Sheila takes a dim view of... I thought it best I stay away.

So, after everyone left today,

I set up camp over by the shagpiles,

haven't looked back! So, Lee...

fight club. Where do I sign up?

Mm.

(PAGES CRINKLE)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Now you got some issues, but this ain't about you

This is about you.

So, are we gonna have a tear up or - what? - No, no, no. I'm leaving.

I'm sorry. Yeah, but I-I've... I've got work tomorrow,

actually. A-A-A-And they're not "old man" trousers,

they're dri-fit chinos, they're breathable activewear.

Ooh, you getting annoyed are ya? I am, actually!

Yeah, I'm... I'm getting... frigged off!

Well, fucking show me, then! I won't, Lee! I shan't be drawn!

Oh, he shan't be drawn, Ian. I will. I'll be drawn.

Take your weight off my chinos.

No, no, I think Glen does need to run home to Kirsty.

I reckon she'd rather be on - her own tonight. - You are creasing

- the hem, Lee! - That way she can invite in the pizza boy.

Cos she's gotta get a bit of cock - from somewhere ain't she? - Fu...

Oh! There he is! I knew he was in there,

- the Old Angry Beaver. - Yeah (PANTING) I've got the plums son.

Ruddy big ones!

Come on then, you nutty bollocks! Let's fucking have it!

(YELLS) Argh!

Yes! Oh yes!

Oh, well, Ian, looks like it's just me and you...

My little brother wants to tap out.

You know my mother, she swore she never smoked

when she was pregnant with him but I think it's open for debate.

Some of my earliest memories were plumes of smoke

coming underneath the pantry door while I was watching Button Moon!

So, think it's safe to say

that that old girl was lying through her fucking-(GRUNTS)(GROANS)

That woman was a saint!

So, you won't throw a punch at me,

but you'll whack me with a fucking pipe?

It's a D40 inner tube!

Ugh!(GROANS) Yes! Come on! Yes Glen! Come on!

Yes! Let it out!

I'm not letting anything out!

Yeah. I'm a... Argh.

Sorry, Ian, sorry! Oh, God. There's... There's blood!

(WHIMPERS) I knew there was a bit of Dad inside you!

First... First aid! FUCK YOU, LEE!

(YELLS) Oh!

(GROANS) Feels good that dunnit, Glen, huh?

All that aggression running through - ya! - It's not...

(LAUGHS) I'm not... Ugh!

Yes, alright. Yes, it fucking does.

Yeah. Cos who are ya? I'm...

I'm... - Who are ya!? - Ugh!

I'm the angry fucking beaver!

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS) (YELLS)

(GROANING)

- Yes! You use that energy. - Yeah. And you take it into the world,

and you go and get whatever you - fucking want! - Yeah!

Do you understand me? - Yes! - How do you feel?

I feel... I feel livid.

- What about? - About Roger next door parking on our drive.

What else? A-And... And... fruity vapes!

And? And people calling me "big man"

and... and teenagers playing their music without earphones, like,

I don't wanna hear Cardi B saying the N word,

I'm in Holland and fucking Barrett! - Yeah! - Yeah!

And... And there's you! - What? - Yeah!

- You! - I'm trying to help ya! No! You're not!

We both know you're not here to reconnect, Lee!

Mum knew it. "Don't rely on him," she said.

"Cos he won't be there for you when you need him!"What, she said that?

Yeah. Now, here you are, eh? In my house,

eating my fucking Muller Fruit Corners!

Easy! Easy! Why are you really here? Huh?

Why are you here, Lee? Eh? Why are you here?!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

It's bad, Glen. It's really fucking bad.

Uh cleaning?

♪ JOAO GILBERTO: Bim Bom ♪ ♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bom

♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim

♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bom

♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bim bim

(SINGING IN BRAZILIAN PORTUGESE)

♪ Bim bom bim bim bom bom. ♪

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