Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Have you seen this geezer? Glen Campbell.

He works here. Are you gonna introduce me?

(BOTH SCREAM) He's my brother! I was wondering

if we might have that chat today about the assistant manager-Shh.

Why would you do this? I wanted to get your attention.

By kidnapping my boss? Hundred days and thy shall be wed.

Why are you...?I got sent home from work. There was a gas leak.

I just wanna ask you a question! What do you want to ask?

- You got Steve's number? - Steve? Steve! Your Uncle Steve!

You can stay at mine! Promise me there's nothing dodgy going on.

I'm gone! So call 'em off!

(CLOCK BEEPS STEADILY) (SNORING)

♪ JARVIS COCKER: Aline ♪

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(SINGING STOPS ABRUPTLY)

Fifty years. You what?

That's how long it takes for this to biodegrade.

Oh, piss off. Ugh.

(GRIMACES)

Not on my street, son.

Go on. (ENGINE STARTS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Oh, God!

(VIA RADIO): # ..people on the narrow-mind streets. ♪

PRESENTER: "That Was Try A Little Kindness..."Morning!

Did you sleep well?

Nah. Oh, right.

Oh, my God! Toast there for ya.

Erm, OK, great, thank you. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Erm, are you... Are you having- Breakfast of champions.

(RADIO CHATTER) (DOOR CLOSES)

Morning, love. Morning.

He seems nice.

- Well, did you talk? - Er, no, but he's not massively chatty, is he?

Is that your dressing gown? Yup.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Glen, I'm really trying, but this is a lot.

I-I k-know... I know love, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

(SIGHS) You know how I feel about secrets.

There's this massive one in the garden. What's he even staring at?

I don't care who you are, nobody's that deep.

Well, I'm just worrying about Ian, - love. - Why?

Well, because that's your promotion, - what if he's upset him? - Well, yeah.

You know we've got a wedding to pay - for. - Yeah, hmm.

I think we need to take some action. - Mm. - I think we need

to do something for Ian, really - nice, take him out for dinner. - Yes.

Butter him up a bit. We'll take him to the... Regency... Regency.

We'll show him the... - BOTH: Wantons. - Exactly.

So, ask him today if he can do it. Yeah, yeah. Alright.

Because, love, what I don't want is for it to come between us.

(STUTTERS) Why would it? Because we've been, you know...

We have been having a bit of a difficult time recently.(MUMBLES)

No, because he... I think he's just, like, depressed.

Well my mum was depressed, Glen. And we couldn't get her off the sofa

for weeks, love. And then one day, I realised,

"Hmm, no, Mum's not depressed. Mum just really likes Bargain Hunt."

Cheers! Hi! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Hmm. (OLD TUNE PLAYS ON RADIO)

Morning! You sleep alright?

That cunt's got 'em all on your borders.

Oh? Ah, well. Never mind. Oi!

Morning, Roger! Hi.

- The fuck was that? - Tell me. Alright? Why you're really here.

- You in some kind of trouble? - I told ya. I'm looking for Steve Drummond.

(LAWNMOWER WHIRRS NEARBY)

Looks like he runs a tanning place.

Fucking hell. Steve Diamond?

No wonder I couldn't find the cunt.

Alright, well, reckon I'll pop over there.

What, for a tan? Behave.

I'm not asking for cancer. (LIGHTER CLICKS)

He might not be there, Lee. I don't think he's wiping down the beds.

Well, they'll know where he is, won't they?

Don't worry. I'll be out your hair by tonight.

Well, then...

that's it. There's no other reason... Like what?

Right, then. (CLEARS THROAT) (SNIFFLES) Well, it's, er...

It's been nice. Yeah...

Yeah. Erm... (CLEARS THROAT) We'll be off to work.

Post the keys through the letter box-Will do, and I'll be off.

Alright. - - Great.Great. - Great. - Great.

Look, Lee, I just think that...

That's hers. Yeah, I didn't know you had it.

Yeah, it's not... It's not for using.

It's a fucking egg cup, Glen. Yeah,

you can't ash in that. She ash-ed in it.

I'd just really... rather you didn't.

♪ YMA SUMAC: Jungla ♪ ♪ Bam Babubam bubambam

♪ Bam Babubam bubambam... ♪

Don't... Let it go.

Hey, let it go. (STRAINING)

Let it go. Just fucking... Can you stop...?

Well done.

(INHALES SHARPLY) That was mother's, you prawn.

♪ MANNY CORCHADO & HIS ORCHESTRA (FEAT. TITO JIMENEZ): Pow Wow ♪

(SINGERS VOCALISING)

(DOOR SENSOR CHIMES) Oi. Outside!

(DOOR SENSOR CHIMES)

(TRAFFIC HUMS)

What you get sent out for? Only one child in at a time.

(INHALES SHARPLY) I feel ya. (EXHALES SHARPLY)

Good boy.

The tanning shop over the road is - closed. - Seems that way, don't it?

Only, I'm looking for Steve. Steve don't work the shop.

Got an office nearby.

Nearby? Where? You gonna buy something or what?

I'd love to.

As you were.

Just that, my darling.

So, this office, where is it? It's right next door. Darling.

(SCOFFS)

(VOMITING)

Oi! You... Ugh!

Kids, eh?!

Lovely little thing, in't ya, eh?

Hi, Catherine.

Yeah, so if you could just have those numbers on my desk

by the end of play then that'd be...

Kirsty! Jen, hi!

Hello. Mm, how's things?

Yeah. Great! Really,

yeah, yeah. How are you?

Mm. (CLICKS TONGUE) Look...

about your suspension...

Obviously, people talk.

I mean, a lot of stuff did go missing. (LAUGHS)

I just hope you're OK.

Thanks, Jen, thank you.

Erm... And look, er,

if by "people" you mean Linda...

then yeah, pinch of salt.

Because she said some pretty crazy things about you

crying in the ladies loo every lunch time. So...

Yeah... (LIPSTICK CLATTERS)

Look after yourself, Kirsty.

(SCOFFS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Glen? (URINATING)

Oh, hi, Ian. I wanted a word about last night.

Right. Yes, erm, OK Ian... Ian, I-I can't apologise enough.

I mean- - What for? - Well,

because Lee sort of...

kidnapped you? No, no, no, no, no,

Glen, water under the bridge that. No,

the thing is, I-I just needed to ask,

did he mention me, at all? (URINATING STOPS)

Hmm? Afterwards?

Um...

No. No worries. Just wondered. (URINATING RESUMES)

Well, erm, actually, Ian, there was something

that I wanted to ask- This might surprise you,

but I don't have many strong male friendships.

OK...Sheila's always been my main emotional outlet.

(ZIP ZIPS) Well, of course, yeah.

(URINAL FLUSHES)

Mm.

But it feels like that's changing.

Well, yeah, er... So... So,

t-there was something I wanted to ask you, actually.

(WATER RUNNING) Er, Kirsty and I were talking

and saying how funny it is we never see each other outside of work.

- Fine. - Er, yeah. And... And... And so, I was wondering if, er,

if you might like to join us, for, er, for...

for, join us for dinner.(DRYER WHIRRS) There's a Chinese we like.

They know us there, the... the Regency.

(DRYER STOPS) Er, just off of junction 12.

And erm, yeah, well...

And actually, we're free tonight.

If, er...

Will Lee be there?

Absolutely! Alright, then.

(LAUGHS) Your dick pills, Glen.

Thank you... Brian.

Lee! Hi. It's Glen, er,

listen, mad idea, but i-i-i-if you're still around if you haven't,

you know, left yet, then we... we were thinking, erm,

"Let's take Lee out for dinner?" Proper send-off,

that sort of thing! We're actually going to...

to The Re... Regency... "..if... if you could join us.

"you know, table's booked for seven, so really hope

"that we will see you there."

(PHONE BEEPS) AUTOMATED VOICE: "Message deleted."

You can go through now.

Cheers, my darling.

(SUN BED HUMS) (TIMER TICKING)

(GENTLE SONG PLAYS IN ROOM)

(TIMER DINGS) (GROANS)

(GROANS) (SUN BED CREAKS)

Fuck me. The mahogany Nosferatu.

(LAUGHS) That's a bit of a freaky outfit, innit?

Speak for yourself. (BOTH LAUGH)

Look at you. Oh!(LAUGHS)

BOTH: Oh.

Well, well, well... Lee Campbell.

What brings you all - the way out here? - Well,

I saw your little flyer, and I thought,

"Fuck me! My dad's old mate, Steve Drummond."

It's Diamond now. Diamond, yeah. Thought I'd slip over,

come see how the years have treated - ya. - You mean, you sat

in that reception for all this time,

just wanna have a pow-wow with me about how well life's treating me?

Alright, clever bollocks. Alright, you got me!

I got a business opportunity - to run by you. - Heey!

Always a move, ain't there?

- Go on then, hit me. - Well, the haulage business is thriving,

I wanna expand. New trade routes in Spain.

it's a good time for it, Steve.

I'm looking for investment partners. Hmm, what we talking?

Twenty, twenty-five...

What, bags? That's a lump, ain't it?

Fuck me! It's a sound investment, Steve.

Well, I hope you're not gonna take my cash

and fuck off to Marbella and start a new life, eh, Lee?

(BOTH LAUGH)

No! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(SLURPS) I'll be honest,

I'm flattered that you thought of me, Lee.

I knew I could rely on you. (MUFFLED LAUGH)

Why? Cos I've done so well - for myself? - Yes!

And also because, my old man, he did look after ya.

And he also said you was there for him.

Whenever he needed ya, he said you was as solid as a rock!(LAUGHS)

Is that what he said?! (LAUGHS)

Well, I tell you what Lee. How about this...?

Suck my big, ginger cock.

- What? - You heard. You see, your old man was a prick.

And I, for one, am fucking glad that he's croaked it.

(LAUGHS) Fucking hell! Steve. Mate...

Oh, well, there's the thing, you see, Lee.

I'm not your fucking mate.

A toxic manipulator.

That's what your old man was.

Hold up a minute. So,

when I heard the great fucking Lee Campbell was in my reception,

I thought, "What's that slippery prick want, eh?"

See I don't know if you know, I'm a bit of a boat now, Lee,

one of the chaps, so I made a few phone calls.

Turns out someone's been a naughty boy,

- ain't they? - Who've you been talking - to? - Does "Bunny" ring a bell?

No.

Look at you. Come crawling to me!

What would your old fucking man say to that, eh?!

You fuck-(LAUGHS) Oh, what you gonna do Lee? You gonna hit me, are ya?!

Go on, then. No, Steve, I'm not gonna hit ya

- cos you're fucking ancient. - You know the only one regret I have, Lee?

That I never give your fucking old man a good hiding

when he was a-fucking live!

(LAUGHS) Yeah, we're done here. I'll, er, see you later on Steve.

(DOOR RATTLES) But then I thought, "Hold on,

"we've got the next best thing, haven't we?"

What is this? A wind up? (LAUGHS)

Nah. I'm fucking trained, my old son.

Give me the fucking keys, Steve.

Krav Maga. Krav fucking what?

I say bring it, cunt! Bring it!

Right, so, how... how... how... how are we doing this?

We're gonna bring up examples of your leadership capabilities.

- Hmm. Great. - OK?Great. Yeah, w-which particular examples?

Just leave it to me, alright? You just say something about neighbours,

and then I'm gonna do the rest. OK?

Right. Great, neighbours, yes.

So, how exactly do you want me to...(DOOR OPENS) There he is!

(LAUGHS) Here we are! Hiya.

Ian, I was just saying to Kirsty how you live out by the golf course.

Lovely area.

- Mm. - Lovely. Really, all that lovely, erm...

grass.

A-A-And the community there, must be, you know, all the people...

Yeah. ...who live there... Sorry,

sorry, could I? Oh, er, yeah.

(CHAIR SCRAPES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DINNERS CHATTER)

When's Lee getting here?

Erm...

♪ SHIRLY BASSEY: This Is My Life ♪ ♪ This Is My Life...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Don't be put off by, erm, er,

cos the food is really, er, yeah, and you...

You've gotta try the wontons. - Doesn't he, Glen? - Those wontons!

Oh, my God.(LAUGHS) Do not get him started on the wontons!

See they're crispy, but they're also very, very mois...

(TOILET FLUSHES)

♪ ..my life...

Just give me the fucking keys.

You're nothing. (FABRIC RIPS)

Yes!

Just give me the fucking key.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Mmm. - Mmm. - Yummy.

Mmm. He's not coming, is he?

- H-He wanted to. - He really wanted to. - He did want to. - Yeah.

"I can't believe I'm not gonna get to go to dinner with Ian."

That's what he said to us. "I'm livid," he said.

"I'm actually livid," you know. Yeah, he... he... he couldn't make it.

(GROANING)

Come back here you fucking...

Ugh. Fuck.

Come back here. You're no big man, Lee Campbell. You're nothing.

Do you hear me? Nothing! Fucking lunatic!

(CONTINUES SHOUTING)

Fuck!

Sorry.

Just really wanted him to come.

Ah, well. Yes. Ha ha.

Next time, I'm sure, you know. Mm.

But you know, since you're here- He's here!

Glen, I really need to talk to you.

You came! I didn't know if you'd still be here.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

No, no, no, I-I-I'm not planning on- Lee,

erm, we were just talking with Ian about neighbours, actually.

(GLASS SMASHING NEARBY)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Go on, then. Sit down, you fucker! Oh...(LAUGHS)(Laughs) Eh?

Can't have you slags mullering all the prawn crackers, eh, can we?

Lee! Sit here, eh? Next to me. Alright.

Go on, what were you talking about, neighbours?

It's funny you should say that, yeah,

because recently Glen, and he'll hate me saying this,

but he... he got everyone together, all of our neighbours

to join on a group litter pick!

And there was a bit of reluctance, wasn't there, at first?

But he banded everybody together, Ian and he really, he got it done,

you see, and we actually ended up with getting a new, erm,

- a dog poo bin. - Dog poo bin. On the grassy verges. Grassy verges

So, that, you know... And if that's not an example, I think,

of real leadership... (TOILET FLUSHES)

...erm, capabilities, then... (DOOR OPENS)

Sorry. (CHAIR SCRAPES)

Hold on a minute.

They've whacked you right - by the khazis? - It's fine!

- You told me they know you here? - It's fine, Lee, it's absolutely fi...

Are we OK over here? - Yeah. - Yes, thank you...

Yeah.(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Tell him you want another table.

No, no, Lee, no. Something wrong with this one?

Yeah, no, it's lovely. Really lovely.

What I'm really looking forward to is old Poirot here

dropping his guts five foot from my head.

I mean, if there were, you know, another table...

That's not going to be possible, - I'm afraid. - Hmm. Really?

Cos I can see one there. - Stop it. - Can you see it?

- Go on, have a little look. - Stop it, Lee. It's fine, honestly, it's fine.

- Enjoy your meal. - Will do. Thank you. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Thank you. - Yeah. - Mm.

(UTENSIL CLATTERS) Get your plates.

- No. - What's happening? Oh, no, Ian? Ian? OK, yup. Get your plate.

Oi, hold up. What are you doing?

This table's reserved. We're moving or leaving.

But if we're leaving, we're not - fucking paying. - No, Lee! Stop it!

Stop it! What we won't do is stand here

and be treated like utter shit cunts!

(WHISPERS): Sorry. (VELCRO RIPS)

Glen, put your wallet away

or I'll stick it up his arsehole Velcro side first.

Ricky! Oh...

Ricky. (LAUGHS)

Anytime you want, son. Lee, I'd rather just pay!

For fuck's sake, listen to yourself!

What is wrong with you tonight? There is nothing wrong with me.

When are you gonna stop letting people treat you like fucking shit?!

Where's the Old Angry Beaver?

50% off. Or we walk.

That's not going to happen.

Yeah, that's my offer, mate. Take it or leave it.

You heard him.

Thirty and extra prawn crackers.

Forty and we don't leave you the worst TripAdvisor rating

you've ever seen in your goddamn life.(CHUCKLES)

Suck that! (ALL GASP) Dickwad.

(WHISPERS): No. - No? No. - No.

(SIREN CHIRPS) Ugh!

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER) - Ian! - Be careful.

They're only keeping you overnight! - Don't worry. - He'll be OK.

Oh, he, er...

Asked me to give you these. (KEYS JINGLE)

Wants you to cover for him tomorrow as acting assistant manager.

Ian! Cheers, Ian!

Thanks.

Congratulations, big man. (LAUGHS)

Look, Kirst! Assistant manager! (LAUGHS)

Kirsty!

(CAR DOORS CLOSING)

(PEOPLE CHATTER AND LAUGH) Oh, here.

I, erm...

You fixed it.

(LAUGHS) So, er, what do you want to tell me?

(SNIFFLES) When you got here,

you said you need to tell me - something. - Yes, so what it is-

Listen, right, you're my brother. So, you know,

if I can help you then... (EXHALES SHARPLY)

Thank you because-Just not... Just not money, obviously.

You know cos, er,

every penny we've got goes to the wedding fund! So...

Yeah! Core...

It's not that though, is it? Don't be so stupid!

Course it ain't. I was gonna ask you if I could stay for a few more days

because... I feel like we're reconnecting.

I'm gone. Ha ha! (CROWD GASP)

Liberty! Liberty and freedom! OFFICER: Hey, stop!

OFFICER 2: Sir, stop, or I will - TASER you. - Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Is that a TASER? (TASER CRACKLES) IAN: Argh!

Oh, my God... (CROWD GASP AND MURMUR)

Yeah, it's, er- Shall we, er...?BOTH: Yeah!

♪ BETTY CHUNG: Bang Bang ♪

(SINGING IN MANDARIN)

♪ Bang bang... (SINGING IN MANDARIN)

♪ Bang bang... (SINGS IN MANDARIN)

♪ Bang bang... (SINGING IN MANDARIN)

♪ Bang bang... ♪

(SINGING IN MANDARIN)

(MUSIC ENDS)

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