Original subtitles

'The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.'

WOMAN: That right? MAN: I think so.

Uh-huh? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah? Mm.

Yeah. Yeah?

Ooh, yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Mmm. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah.

(BELT BUCKLE RATTLES)

Sorry, love. Oh, don't say sorry, Glen.

Sorry. No, don't say sorry.

(CLEARS THROAT) Just... You know, because you

just thought you might like it in public.

So... Yeah, I don't...

I think I wasn't picturing, like... round the back of Halfords?

(SCOOTER WHIRS)

No, well, OK, yeah.

It has been, erm... It has been quite a while, hasn't it, now?

Has it?

Yeah. It's not been since Center Parcs, Glen.

Right.

Yeah, no, that... that is quite a... Mmm.

I think, you know what it is?

It's probably just stress, you know. Yeah.

Trying to get the promotion, all that sort of... Yeah.

It's a blip! It's a blip!

It's a blip, yeah. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Mm.

I should probably get to work.

Yeah. Yes.

Hey. 100 days...

and I shall thee wed.

Pop your penis away, Glen. Oh!

Alright. Love you. Love you! Yeah.

(BRASSY MUSIC)

Hi, there. Welcome to World Of Carpets at Loughton Retail Village!

My name's Glen. How can I be helping you today?

Well... I erm...

WE er... erm... Say no more!

Let me show you around.

Sandstone, three-pile, two-blend twist.

Durable, luxurious and - don't pass it around -

but I'M getting it for my high-traffic areas.

My absolute top of the pops. What do we think?

Erm, maybe we'll go and think about it.

(MUSIC BLARES FROM CAR STEREO)

I get it.

Sorry?

It's a bloody carpet. And, Christ, it's expensive.

The whole house metreage, then with underlay and installation it's...

Honestly?

You can't get what you're wanting. Not for your budget.

But what you can do... is this...

Berber low-pile. In your hallway, looks just like natural fibres.

Pay that bit more for a quality underlay and it'll feel as good too.

I won't tell if you won't.

(ENGINE REVS) (MUSIC BLARES)

STEREO: 'I know a man that can make you disappear in seven different countries.'

Ah, Ian, Ian! Hi, I was wondering- Big Man!

Yeah. Uh, I was- Ah, the old kneel 'n feel, eh? Nice.

Yeah. I was wondering if we might have that chat today,

about the assistant manager- Er, da-da-da, sh-shh.

(MIMICS GUNSHOT) (PRETENDS TO GROAN)

(MIMICS RAPID GUNFIRE) Ah-ah-ah.

Yeah...

(MUSIC BLARES)

(HISS)

Have you seen this geezer?

Glen... Campbell.

Like the country singer.

He works here.

I just want a "yes" or "no". That's all I want, my darling.

I'm on work experience.

I'll get the manager.

- Right! - Oh! Let's take a look at these prices.

(CHUCKLES) I think you might be pleasantly surp-

It's like candyfloss.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Should be here soon...

Where d'you get this? I want one. Hi, there. Can I help?

Yes. Have you seen him?

Oops! Sorry?

Verboten! What?

Gonna have to ask you to finish that outside. Company policy.

Get a lot of pissheads in here, do ya?

Getting off their nut over by the lino?

Right. Very good. Now-

See, for all he knows, I've come in here to buy his whole stock

and he's straight in with the fucking regulations.

Right, that's quite enough! I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Yeah, well, asking me is ONE thing but making me

is another thing altogether, you bald cunt.

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) Fuck. Are you alright?

Erm... Erm, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

I'll actually just... just leave you in...

Brian's very capable hands.

Ooh! Sorry.

Leave this store immediately. Don't touch me.

Come along! Ahh!

(GROANS)

Have you seen him?

(CHOKES)

Fuck.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Hi, Roger!

Fuuu- (SCREAMS)

What are you doing here?

I came back to get my sandwiches. Why are you...

Well, I mean, I got erm...

I got sent home from work, didn't I?

For the day. What? Why?

Because there was a gas leak. What, in the whole-

Yeah. In the whole office. Yeah.

And Linda... Linda's actually fainted.

So... Oh, bloody hell.

Yeah. Get in then, you swine!

Yeah, alright, yeah. Get in here!

Have you seen? Direct debits have gone in.

Oh, my God! 15 grand!

We're only 2K off!

Dream wedding, here we come. Kirsty, not in the bed.

Mum's gonna be so pleased. She can get that poached salmon she's been banging on about.

Yeah, erm, right, erm, sorry-

Actually, Glen, it definitely IS her.

Ever since we've given her a key, we've been going through ham

at an unprecedented rate. Yeah. I DID think so-

Hang on. You took them. Hmm?

This morning. You took them. I put them in your rucksack?

Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I just... I wanted more.

More sandwiches?

OK, well, that's an awful lot of gluten, Glen.

Hey, hey! So what we should do is celebrate, shouldn't we?

Celebrate what? Celebrate the wedding fund.

You know, yeah, tonight, maybe get a takeaway,

splash out a bit. Alright.

Yeah, maybe get your favourite - Tastes Of The World.

What?! Even though it's a...

♪ Logistical nightmaaaare? ♪ Logistical nightmaaaare ♪

Aw, yeah!

And then maybe after, we can, like... make an evening of it.

What? Yeah. Yeah! (CHUCKLES)

So, Linda actually fainted- Or we could...

Hm? What? Y'know. Now.

You mean...? Only if you wanted to.

No. Yeah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah?

Sorry, I mean, I WAS just here to get my ham sandwiches but-Yeah.

About five minutes? Er ten... ten minutes, yeah.

Yeah. OK.

Mm. Yep.

Kirst, what's in this water?

Oh, no. Oh, no. No. What?

I'm so sorry! What is it?!

No, I didn't mean for you to drink it, did I?

What is it? I didn't mean for you to drink it.

OK, because this morning I woke up and I was really phlegmy-

Oh, my God, Kirsty! I know. I know.

I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for you to drink it-

I can feel it going down! I'm so sorry.

It's sliding down my gullet, Kirst- Alright, alright!

Calm down, knobhead. I'll make you a cup of tea.

Take the taste away.

Oh...

(KIRSTY SCREAMS)

Kirst?

(SPAGHETTI-WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)

I'm calling the police! No, no, don't do that, love.

Tell her. Tell me what, Glen?

'Scuse me for not standing. My sciatica was killing me.

Cos I've been on my trotters all day,

looking for a certain little twat with a nutty haircut.

Oh, my God! Does he mean YOU?

Why's he saying that? Any chance of a nice cup of tea?

Kirsty, no, no. What? What's happening? Is it drugs?

It's drugs, isn't it? It's drugs!

Leave off! I don't think crackheads come in beige, do you?

Are you gonna introduce me or what? No!

Agh! No!

Kirsty, fetch the pepper spray! What the fuck is that?

Go on, get it, Kirsty! Get it! I'm getting it!

Are you gonna plunge me with the objet d'art?

Sorry. I'm sorry, Lee. But you cannot be here-

It's a bit late for that. Listen- No, no. I don't want to listen.

I just wanna ask you- No! Now get out of my fucking house!

Oh, for fuck's sake! I just want to talk to you, Glen!

(GASPS)

You know each other?

No, not really, no. Oh, "not really"?

We... We used to... "We used to"?

Not, not, not, not any more, actually.

Jesus Christ, you really ARE a turd.

Spray him, Glen! I can't get the top off.

Fuck me!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Canvey Island Holiday Park, '94.

(GASPS) No, no, take your time.

Take your time. Come on, Glen!

I'm trying! I'm trying! (LID POPS OFF)

Ahhh!

Yeah, alright. I know where I'm not wanted.

Nice to meet you, my darling. You keep a lovely home.

What?

That's enough from you, thanks. Get out!

Oh, dear. And don't come here again!

Yeah, that's it!

...and don't pass it on, but I'm getting it myself on my high-traffic areas.

My absolute pop of the top... Pop of the...

Pop of the... Pop... Pop... Glen, mate!

You see what happened this morning with that geezer and Ian?

I'm a bit busy, Aysha.

Honestly, fuck my life, the one time I'm doing work

and I miss him getting shanked up.

RINGTONE: # My neck, my back Who's this now?

♪ Lick my pussy... ♪ Yo!

I'm... I'm really sorry.

OK. Let's talk underlay- Da-fuck?!

Bro, we was literally just talking about you!

Yeah, he's here. Yeah, one sec.

Ian, innit.

Hello?

'Glen! You need to come immediately.'

What? Where?

Ian? Ian, what's going on?

'Oh, God! I'm sorry. I... I don't know! I don't know!

I can't do this! I-'

LEE: 'For fuck's sake, just give me the phone!

Give it here.' Lovin' your gilet.

'Dagenham, by the water, where he died.

You know the spot.'

(SPAGHETTI-WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC)

No! Stop! Wait! Wait!

No! No! Stop!

Don't do it!

Do what? Well...

Ki... Kill him?

Kill him?

I've just given him a cheese twist and a flapjack.

Hello, Glen.

Oh, my God, you bound him?

Well, he did struggle initially. Only initially.

Ian, I am so sorry. Ian... But we've been getting on.

And it turns out he's a lovely fella.

Thank you! Christ, it's double layered!

He's been opening up about his marriage.

Sheila and me are going through a bit of a rough patch.

Yeah, which YOU'D know, if you'd bothered to ask.

Is he drunk?

Just to grease the wheels. My wheels are... fuckin' greasy!

Oh, my God.

Why would you do this?

I just wanted to get your attention. My attention?

By kidnapping my boss?! Do you think that's reasonable?

Think that's normal? Here we go, look.

Old Panickin' Skywalker. I told you, didn't I?

(LAUGHS)

Right. Well, everyone's having a lovely time here.

So I'll just be off. Oh, Glen.

Glen, don't be like that. Glen!

Glen! Glen, look you're getting all mud on your trotters! Look!

I just want to ask you a question!

No! What?

I don't want to hear your question. I refuse.

Why? Because...

No.

No, no. I've got a nice life now.

And I won't have it dragged down into whatever bloody...

After eight years, what gives you the bloody right to come here-

For fuck's sake, I'm your brother!

No way!

Some brother!

Well, YOU'RE the one who fucked off to Essex!

How dare you!

I was...

I stayed for her, yeah, while you were off doing fuck knows what!

Oh, here we go! Yeah. Every day.

Feeding her and getting her tablets all...

You didn't even have the decency- Fine!

Forget it.

Hang on.

Sorry, Ian. I'm sorry you had to hear all that.

Not a problem. I do sort of need a wee, though.

Come on, then. What is it? What do you want to ask me?

Don't worry. You said you didn't want to hear it.

I DO. I DO want to hear it. And Ian does, too, don't you?

Well, actually, my bladder- What is it? Come on.

You've come all this way. You've gone to all this trouble.

You've brought me to the spot where Dad died.

It's obviously important to you. Come on, ask me a question!

You got Steve's number?

Steve? Steve.

Steve?! Steve. Your Uncle Steve.

Except not by blood. But, you know, Steve Drummond.

You just want... Well, he's your god-dad, ain't he?

You know, I just thought you'd know where he is.

Lost touch with him. I miss the cunt.

But I thought, erm... (CLEARS THROAT)

No, no, I don't have it.

Right.

Fuck.

Well. You, er... You look after yourself.

And if you do hear from him, you WILL let me know, won't ya?

- Sure. Yeah. - While you're here, you better get Ian out.

Ooh, thank you.

Ian, I'm so sorry about this. Let's get you out...

Hang on. What's all this? Leave that alone, Glen.

No... Leave it alone. Leave it-

Why have you got...? Oh, my God! Are you living in here?

It's just temporary, right, until I sort meself out.

Hang on... Hang on. Oh, my... You brought Dad?!

Put him back. Why would you bring Dad?

Put him back where he was! Why have you brought dad, Lee?

Doesn't matter why- Why would you bring dad, Lee?

Put him back. Why have you brought- No! No! No!

I'm not gonna ask you again! Alright! Alright! Alright!

You can't sleep here. You can stay at mine.

What? Yeah, a couple of nights.

Get yourself sorted. Find Steve, whatever.

You sure?

If you promise me there's nothing dodgy going on.

Oh, fuck off! No, no, no, I mean it! Promise.

Yeah, alright, I promise. Oh, thank God.

No.

I want you to swear on Dad... that there's nothing bad why you're here.

I won't be doing that because that's fucking ridiculous!

No, swear on Dad, Lee. Fuck off, Glen!

Swear on Dad! No, because I'm not 12!

Swear on Dad! Those are the ashes of my father!

Swear on Dad, Lee! No!

Swear on Dad! No, I won't swear on him! No!

Swear on Dad! Swear on Dad, Lee!

(MUFFLED YELLING)

God. Swear on Dad!

Swear on Dad!

Argh! Swear on Dad!

(THEY GROAN)

Fucking little prick!

(GROANING)

Fucking mug! (GROANS)

Alright! ALRIGHT!

I swear. On Dad. Say it!

Alright! I fucking swear on Dad!

Fucking hell!

(SLAPS HARD) Argh!

That's for being a silly bitch.

(SPLASH) You fucking...

♪ Everybody's Talkin'

(LEE SPLASHES)

I'll be right with you.

(URINATES) I didn't know I had so much in me.

Nice gaff you've got, though, Ian. Yeah, thank you.

What am I gonna say to Kirsty?

Who'd you say I was after I left?

I said, erm... (CLEARS THROAT)

...you'd worked for Dad's haulage company, and...

you'd lost your way and fallen into a spiral of addiction, and...

- And? - Well, yeah, I had to think on my feet, didn't I?

What did you say? I panicked, alright?

What did you say, Glen? You worked in prostitution!

Fucking hell!

Cheers!

I didn't think you'd be coming back, did I, so...

And it's "sex worker", Glen.

Get your terms right.

Alright, I've got it.

We'll pick up a takeaway - get her favourite.

What's her favourite?

Spring rolls, lamb bhuna and a side of popcorn chicken.

It's a logistical nightmare but it'll do the trick.

Sheila! Shove your throw cushions up your arse!

Just charm her.

Say something nice about her fringe.

Her fringe? It's always the fringe.

You know, just say it like it "really frames her face".

Something like that.

No, sorry. She's YOUR fiancee. You know best.

You're a top man, Glen. You're a bigger man than ME.

Not literally, obviously.

Probably cos Mum smoked while she was pregnant. Fucking what?

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY) There he is. Fuck off!

The old Angry Beaver.

Ah, you don't change, you, do ya? Fuck you!

MAN: Oi! Get away from my bin! Fuck you, Phil!

Wazzock!

(CLATTERING) (IAN GROANS)

Shall we...

No. Let's go. (BOTH GROAN)

Sheila!

♪ A promise I make, a promise I make

♪ Starting to take, starting to take ♪

Alright, love! Sorry I'm so late. ♪ Babe... ♪

Look who's back in town. My bloody...

♪ Rhinestone Cowboy ♪

(MUSIC OFF) She has had a few drink, OK,

while she's been waiting for you.

A little couple of glasses of vino di rosso de tinto ma bebe.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. Ha-ha. Sorry, Kirst, there's something I need to-

What is that? Tastes Of The World, innit.

Eee...

You got my favourite!

Even though it's a... ♪ logistical nightmaaaaare ♪

Yeah, there's something I need to- Cos you gotta get the poppadoms!

Kirsty, if I could- (GASPS)

No! No!

Alright? Glen! What the fu-

It's not, erm... He's, er- Why is he here?

This is Lee. Nice to meet ya.

He's gonna be staying with us for a bit.

Are you fucking insane?!

He broke into our home! What are you thinking?!

It's only for tonight. Glen, you said he was a sex worker.

Told ya.

Kirsty, erm- Oh, right! Oh, no!

Oh, is it... Are you two- Christ! No! no!

No, it's not that! Fucking joking!

Oh, my God... Kirsty!

Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty- No! You get back!

You get back! Listen to me. Kirsty, listen to me!

Kirsty! Kirsty! He's my brother!

(LAUGHS) OK.

OK, sure. Yeah, sure he is.

Because, you famously have absolutely no family

and he looks... oh, literally nothing like you, Glen.

Oh, no, it's totally plausible that he's your bro-

(PLAYS SPOONS) Remember?

What's he doing?

Canvey Island Talent Show, 1994.

Oh.

What...?

You got the tunes?

You got the spoons?

Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on?

♪ M PEOPLE: Moving On Up

Right?

(SPOONS CLACK RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ Cos I'm movin' on up

♪ You're movin' on out

♪ Movin' on up

♪ Nothin' can stop me

♪ Movin' on up

♪ You're movin' on out

♪ Time to break free

♪ Nothin' can stop me

♪ Movin'

♪ Movin'

♪ Movin'

♪ Nothin' can stop me

(SAXOPHONE SOLO)

(MUSIC ENDS)

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

I better get Dad on the radiator. Yeah.

I'm... I'm so sorry, Kirsty, but...

♪ I got the poppadoms! ♪

(PHONE BUZZES)

Fuck you. D'you hear me?

I'm gone. So call them off.

It's over.

♪ Yes, I'm comin' down...

I keep meaning to say, love, your, er...

your fringe...

really frames your face.

(CLEARS THROAT)

♪ I'm comin' down, down, down, down, down!

♪ Comin' down with a heartache

♪ I ain't sick but I got a fever

♪ Blood pressure's running high

♪ Pulse ain't right, I can't sleep at night

♪ And here's the reason why

♪ I'm comin' down, down, down, down, down!

♪ Comin' down with a heartache ♪

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