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[Dogs barking]

[Lndistinct yelling]

[Giggling]

Whoa!

Ah, that was a great run!

Whose is that?

Ah!

You, missy!

Where do you think you're going?

To the stables with Josh, Fa,

to fetch Labby.

Labby's forbid in the house.

Filthy brute.

Oh, Fa, she didn't mean it.

It is unfair.

What's poor Labby done?

She was sick this morning

in Fa's study on the chair.

When he came to...

That's enough, miss.

At least I can say good night to Labby.

Hmm.

Just don't try any tricks on, that's all.

I know how sly you are, Miss Linda,

spotting the cracks,

popping the thin end of the wedge in

when nobody's looking.

This time, I'm not having any of it.

Labby stays in the stables.

Of course, Fa, I'll only say good night.

ADULT FANNY: Linda was not only my favorite cousin,

but then and for many years, my favorite human being.

Her father, Lord Alconleigh...

my Uncle Matthew...

resembled his children in this,

like them, he knew no middle course.

He either loved or he hated,

and, generally, it must be said, he hated.

You've gone very quiet, both of you.

There's no charge for a little light conversation.

I was thinking how lucky Linda was to have Labby,

even if she is banished just now.

You've got Brenda.

Oh, I hope you left Brenda behind

in your Aunt Emily's house.

That mouse stinks like merry hell.

Brenda died at the end of last term.

Oh, no great loss, I should say.

Of all the mice I ever knew,

Brenda was the most utterly dismal.

I suppose she was rather dull.

She was a sewer.

What's keeping Linda?

Oh, don't let's wait... I'm hungry.

Come on, Uncle Matthew.

[Scoffs]

Come on.

There you are, darling Labby.

You let kind Josh wrap you up.

I still don't see the point, Miss Linda.

When you carry that bundle in,

they'll know you're up to something.

I'm going to say it's botanical specimens

I've been collecting.

And, of course, your pa is going to believe you.

Well, just don't let on I give you the blanket, that's all.

Thank you, Josh. You're a real Hon.

[Horse neighs]

MOTHER: Say good night to your brother, children.

- Good night! - Oh, good night.

ADULT FANNY: Like my Uncle Matthew,

my Aunt Sadie lived in a perpetual state of surprise

at having filled so many cradles,

about the future of whose occupants

they seemed to have no particular policy.

SADIE: Where's Linda?

GIRL: She's saying good night to Labby.

Filthy brute.

La pauvre Labby s'emmerde de la chaise de Papa.

[Giggling]

What was that?

They're just repeating something

which mademoiselle said.

I do think mademoiselle should be more accurate.

From what I heard,

Labby didn't s'emmerde anywhere.

She was sick.

Yes, darling, I think we've had enough of the subject.

Gosh, I'm hungry.

Have some nice hot toast, duck.

Fanny's mouse... Brenda.

What about Fanny's mouse Brenda?

Brenda died.

She got a sore back and died.

I wonder why she got a sore back.

Do you think Fanny had been riding her?

Jassy!

I didn't tell you because I knew it would upset you.

Where is Brenda buried?

Next door to Fanny's robin.

She's got a dear little cross,

and her coffin was lined with pink satin.

- Shut up. - Eat your toast, duck.

Can I have Gentleman's Relish on it?

Oh, well...

That would be horribly unfair.

None of us is ever allowed Gentleman's Relish

because it's bad for children

and only here for Fa.

And just because Linda pumps up a few crocodile tears

for that horrid, smelly Brenda...

I'm afraid Louisa's right, duck.

With so many of you, if I once start making exceptions...

It'll be the thin end of the wedge.

SADIE: Oh, now look what...

Now that was all your fault, children.

If you hadn't started her off...

Oh, Bob!

How are you?

- Hello, Bob. - Hello, Sadie.

MATTHEW: Now don't call your mother Sadie.

[Talking excitedly]

[Speaking French]

We can't come yet, Lucille.

Bob's only just got home.

SADIE: Now, look, go with Lucille, you two.

There's plenty of time to see Bob tomorrow.

BOTH: It is unfair.

SADIE: I've just been telling you,

with so many of you to look after,

I can't start making exceptions.

Bed for you two is now.

Just this once?

- Oh, well, I... - Now you be firm, Sadie.

Otherwise it'll be the thin end of the wedge.

[Speaking French]

[Laughter]

What was all that about?

Everyday French conversation, Fa.

MAID: Milord, Milady,

telephone for Miss Linda or Miss Frances.

Come on, Fanny!

Where have you hidden Labby?

Guess. They'll never find her.

Yes!

Miss Linda Radlett.

Oh, it's you, Polly!

Polly Hampton.

No, no, of course we hadn't forgotten.

Heavens, how exciting! Do tell.

All right, tomorrow then. I can hardly wait.

Yes, yes, we'll he ready at half past 10:00.

Goodbye, Polly.

Ready at half past 10:00?

She's got something special to show us... a surprise.

Goody!

Now, shall we go and see darling Labby?

No, if we're away any longer, they'll suspect.

We want them in a good temper to let us go early tomorrow.

Why should they mind that?

Be missing your music lesson, for one thing.

Anyhow, you know how funny grown-up people always get

if anyone wants to change the arrangements.

MATTHEW: That's long enough.

Yes, Fa, we're finished.

Are we going to pack?

Come on, shall we have a game of snakes and ladders?

Yes, all right.

Haven't you got too much homework?

No.

What was all that about?

Polly Hampton.

They're sending the car early for me and Fanny tomorrow.

Why is that, duck?

Polly's got a surprise for us.

What about your music lesson?

Oh, please, just this once.

What will Fa say?

That it's the thin end of the wedge.

No, he won't.

You know how he always, always gives in

when it's anything to do with Lord and Lady Montdore.

How very noticing you've become these days.

Well, I won't say you're wrong, duck,

so I suppose it'll be all right

as long as Lady Montdore doesn't mind about the car.

I can't think why she insists on sending it.

Condescending, that's why.

I could just as well take you in mine.

Oh, but the Montdores' Rolls is such heaven.

Real fur on the seats.

Oh, the bliss of it rubbing on one's bottom...

not like the horrid, scratchy stuff in yours.

So you're getting too stuck up

to go in Sadie's car any more?

A few more invitations to Hampton

and you won't want to know us.

Bob's jealous because he's not invited over there tomorrow.

And what would there be for me to do

with a lot of silly little girls?

Delicious lunch.

And Lord and Lady Montdore will be there as well as us.

He's like a waxwork, and she's like a vampire.

And Lord Montdore's sister and her husband...

Boy Dougdale.

Soppy Boy Dougdale and his wet soppy books.

He came over to the Women's Institute

and gave a lecture the other day,

just before Fanny came.

[Laughs]

BOB: Well, I'm glad I missed lt.

SADIE: I can't think what there is to laugh about.

It's very difficult to get someone to talk

at the Institute.

I was very grateful to Mr. Dougdale.

I still think he's soppy.

Lady Montdore doesn't think that.

She dotes.

Oh, duck, now that's quite enough.

I'm sure she does nothing of the sort.

I tell you, Lady Montdore dotes on Boy Dougdale.

Though I'm not sure how much he dotes back.

Keep a good look out tomorrow, you two.

I shall expect a full report.

[Piano plays, man sings]

Oh, isn't it blissy?

Aunt Sadie,

at last Uncle Matthew's got a new record.

[Music continues]

ADULT FANNY: If the Radlett children were always

in gales of giggles or floods of tears,

Polly Hampton was never in either.

Polly was still and deep.

GIRL: I always thought it was just a boring old well.

And isn't it?

It looks the same as ever to me.

Well, it isn't... and here's the surprise.

Old Peter

from the home farm told me that a long time ago,

a lady was caught out here by her husband.

Caught out.

Doing it?

Yes, with her lover.

"Took in the fleshly deed" was how old Peter put it.

The husband was so furious

he ran the lover through with his sword,

then seized the jewels the lover had given his wife,

and then flung them

down the well.

Then flung the lover down after them.

And his wife to top it all off.

Goodness, what a temper... all because she was doing it.

Grownups get very cross

if you do it with more than one person.

Like your mother?

But I suppose if you really love someone,

you don't want to do it with anyone else.

Later on, they got the lover and the lady out,

because they were worried the well might get poisoned.

But the jewels have never been found,

old Peter says.

So I thought we'd find them.

You mean go down in that bucket?

Oh, what fun! Can I be the one to go down?

No, you're my guests,

and it might be dangerous.

You two wind me down.

Don't worry.

I'll share the jewels with you.

I don't think this is a very good idea.

Wind me down. Go on.

I don't think your parents would like it.

They'll be furious when they hear.

My parents are not going to hear.

Now, wind me down.

What's it like down there?

It's very dark and vary damp.

Can you see any jewels?

No, not yet.

Wind me down a bit further.

I bet old Peter was just telling tales.

Even if there are jewels down there,

she'll never find them in all the mud.

Don't spoil it, Fanny.

[Gasps]

Look at the rope!

Up again very slowly.

Hey, what are you doing?

Why did you bring me up?

FANNY: We got tired of holding on to the handle.

How are you going to explain all this mud?!

We'll say I slipped in the garden.

I suppose we'd better go in now.

Mummy says we must all rest before luncheon.

"I can't believe that," said Alice.

"Can't you?" the Queen said in a pitying tone.

"Try again.

Draw a long breath and shut your eyes."

Alice laughed.

"There's no use trying," she said.

"One can't believe impossible things."

ADULT FANNY: The Earl of Montdore

was beautiful to look at, but empty...

like a woman who has no sex appeal.

But Lady Montdore, however,

she was flesh and blood all right,

a legend of worldly greed and snobbishness,

and, therefore, often supposed to be

of low or transatlantic origin,

when, in fact, she was perfectly well born

and decently brought up.

And so she ought to have known better.

LADY MONTDORE: Did you hear me, Boy?

Sorry, Sonia. Say again, please.

This new book you're planning?

Well, it's about the emergence

of some of our leading ducal families.

Oh, you'll have to tread carefully.

Most of them wouldn't bear much investigation.

[Laughs]

Not when they were emerging.

I mean, take the Marlboroughs.

No, no, perhaps we'd better not.

The first Duke of Marlborough,

when he was still John Churchill,

sold his sister for money.

Where did you learn that, Linda?

Oh, I just picked it up, Lady Patricia.

Well, you shouldn't mention it, Linda.

There are certain things which we all know

but don't say aloud.

Yes, Lady Montdore.

LADY MONTDORE: Now, Fanny's very sensible

about all that kind of thing.

You must advise your cousin Linda, Fanny,

on what not to say out loud.

Yes, Lady Montdore.

Is there anything you want, Mr. Dougdale?

No, thank you, Fanny.

Why don't you call me Uncle Boy?

You, too, Linda.

Because you're not our uncle.

You're Polly's uncle.

BOY: I know, but you could all call me uncle.

It's what's known as a courtesy title.

And I suppose you need one,

because you're the only person in the room

who hasn't got a real title already.

That's another subject we don't mention, Linda.

In any case,

you and Fanny should always refer to yourselves as Miss.

Oh, we do, but we still

actually have our "Hons," don't we...

unlike, poor Uncle Boy.

I hear you all had a very nice time

in the garden this morning.

I'm told Polly was smothered in mud when she came in...

so very unlike her.

Whatever could have happened?

Nothing much, Mother.

I just slipped down a bank.

That's right, Lady Montdore.

She tripped over a worm caste and slipped down a bank.

Tripped over a worm caste?

A very large one, Lady Montdore.

Worms can be very busy, you know.

Did you ever have worms, Polly? I did.

You can't imagine how fidgety they are.

Then, oh, the heaven of it.

Dr. Simpson came and wormed me.

Well, you know how Doc Simp

has always been the love of my life,

so you do see.

LOUISA: So what on Earth did Lady Montdore say then?

LINDA: Everyone went very quiet.

FANNY: Not for the first time.

LINDA: And then I told them about Fanny's Brenda

and made myself cry.

BOB: Lt'll be some time before they ask you again.

LINDA: Oh, Fanny's the one that Lady Montdore likes...

she's so very well behaved.

They only ask me out of politeness,

because Fanny's staying here.

It'll be some time before they ask any of you again.

They're going away.

They never said so at lunch.

It's still meant to be a secret.

They're going to India.

Lord Montdore's going to be Viceroy.

They'll he away for at least five years.

FANNY: Is Polly going, too?

SADIE: Yes.

FANNY: I'm surprised she didn't say anything.

She's a close little thing... Polly.

She's close beyond her years.

MATTHEW: Sadie.

- Mmm? - I want you.

I can't find the tin of gramophone needles.

Do tell quickly before Sadie comes back

and gets annoyed.

How was the Lecherous Lecturer?

FANNY: Boy Dougdale?

LOUISA: He had a go at you?

FANNY: Footy footy at lunch.

You, too, I take it?

LINDA: It was when he came to give his lecture

at Sadie's Institute place,

"All About Duchesses"...

and I suppose talking about them excites him,

because after the lecture he save us a foretaste of sex.

Think it was for thrill?

He took Louisa up onto the roof

and did all sorts of blissful things to her.

Well, at least she could see how they would be blissful

with anyone except the Lecturer.

And I got some great sexy pinches

as he passed the nursery landing.

Do... do admit, Fanny.

LOUISA: There seems to be no limit to his interests.

I suppose he likes Lady Patricia,

or did once,

and he's always making sheep's eyes at Lady Montdore.

Then there was me on the roof,

and even little girls like you, too.

MATTHEW: I thought I told you to leave

this sewer of a Labby in the stables.

LINDA: That was yesterday, Fa.

Until further notice, I said.

And now your mother and I have just been in the tradesmen's lav

looking for the gramophone needles.

BOB: Why should the gramophone needles

be in the tradesmen's lav?

Don't interrupt.

And there was Labby lolling on an expensive horse blanket

like the pampered and insolent brute that she is.

So now, misery, you take this sewer of a dog,

and you chain her in the stables

and leave her there for the next month!

[Music and singing]

There's a voice gives you full value for money.

Oh, darling, what happened?

Oh, was he chained up?

Poor baby.

Josh had to mend her tum again.

Oh, it's so horrible.

[Music continues]

[Barking]

[Music stops]

Shh!

LOUISA: Fa's coming.

- Quick - Quick, hide her.

Ah!

I told you not an hour ago

to take that sewer of a dog...

The last post.

One for you, Sadie.

MATTHEW: Don't call your mother Sadie...

In Aunt Emily's handwriting.

I told you to take that sewer of a dog...

This letter's very interesting, Fa,

with a crest.

It must be your old regimental association

about the annual dinner.

It always happens around now.

You could tell them about your entrenching tool.

Oh, tell us now, Fa, to get into practice.

- It's my favorite story ever. - Well...

Oh, please let Labby stay, just while you're telling it.

I see the thin end of the wedge.

All right. She can stay this time.

But if she's ever sick again, I'll have her destroyed.

And don't say I didn't warn you.

Thank you, Fa.

Darling Labby.

FANNY: Uncle Matt's going to tell us about

his entrenching tool.

Oh, yes! It's heaven. Come on, Fa.

There was this German dug out, you see,

which my Sergeant Major had spotted.

He thought there were still some Huns in it,

although it was now behind our lines.

So, I told my Sergeant Major to bawl at them,

to drop their weapons in the trench

and come out with their hands up

shouting, "Comrade, comrade!"

My Sergeant Major got a voice

that would put the fear of God up a crocodile.

Young recruits used to faint

if he so much as whispered at them.

So, of course,

these filthy Huns came out shouting "Comrade, comrade."

But do you know what the swine did?

They came out with their rifles and bayonets at the ready,

hoping to knock us for six.

Luckily, the entrance was very narrow,

so they had to come out one by one,

and as they lifted their rifles,

I lifted my entrenching tool.

Oh, Matthew!

And whack!

Wham! Wallop!

Whack, wham, wallop!

Whack, wham, wallop!

Whack, wham, wallop!

Whack, wham, wallop!

Aagh!

ADULT FANNY: Later that evening,

Linda called a special midnight meeting of the Hons,

the Radlett Secret Society,

so called because we all had to be children of a Lord,

honorables.

LOUISA: Long life and happiness to all Hons.

ALL: And death to the horrible Counter-Hons.

This is a special meeting of the Hons

called by Linda.

But before we hear her news,

I suggest we clear up one or two outstanding items

of Hon-ish business.

Item one... as you know,

it is not necessary to have been born a Hon to be one.

There are quite a lot of honorary Hons.

But just lately, we haven't elected any,

and I think it's time we chose at least one more.

Any suggestions?

Josh was a tremendous Hon

about helping me smuggle in Labby.

But Josh has been an honorary Hon for ages.

I thought we might sort of double it.

Having Double Hons will make complications and jealousies.

Sensible, Fanny.

We want a new Hon.

Lucille was a terrific Hon about

letting Vict and me out for this meeting.

She even lent us her torch.

She said, "J'espere qu'il n'est pas foutu."

[All giggle]

What a good idea.

All in favor of Lucille?

Jassy and Vict can tell her in the morning.

Item two,

it was agreed that all Hons should mount an investigation

to find out what Oscar Wilde actually did.

Has anyone anything to report?

I asked Fa, and he just ground his dentures

and roared at me.

"If you mention that sewer's name in this house,

you'll be thrashed, damn you!"

I asked Aunt Sadie,

and she said, "Oh, duck, I never really quite knew.

Whatever it was, it was far worse than murder.

And, duck, don't mention it

in front of your Uncle Matt, will you?"

We asked Lucille, and she went into gales.

She said, "Le roi est mort, vive la reine."

LOUISA: Not very helpful.

We must find out.

Bob said he would when he went to Eton.

I think I'm on the track.

Apparently, he was a bit like the Lecherous Lecturer

with Louisa, but far, far worse.

Oh, goody.

Do you think he was worse than my mother and father?

Oh, surely, he couldn't be.

Oh, you are so lucky to have wicked parents.

A mother who's called The Bolter.

The sheer heaven of it.

It is rather thrilling.

LINDA: I should just say it is,

compared to the utterly boring lives we lead.

I never actually see her being wicked

or doing her bolting.

When I'm not here,

I'm with Aunt Emily or at school.

You are so lucky to be taught by Lucille

and not have to go to school.

I go to school!

FANNY: Because you're a boy.

Uncle Matthew thinks it's wrong for girls.

He says it makes them frumpish and middle-class.

Poor me.

I'm sure you'll never be frumpish or middle-class, Fanny,

with a mother like The Bolter.

All those men!

Why haven't you got any half-brothers or sisters?

I'm not sure.

Abortions?!

Oh, Jassy!

Well, tremendous jumping and hot baths anyway.

But how do you know, if you're never there?

FANNY: I once heard Aunt Sadie and Aunt Emily

talking about it.

Aunt Sadie says, "How does she manage it?"

Aunt Emily said, "Skiing or hunting,

or just jumping off the kitchen table."

Oh, you are so blissfully lucky

having such a wicked mother.

Aunt Emily's really my mother now,

and my father, too...

for all practical purposes.

Ah.

That's why I called this special meeting.

Hot, hot news.

[Thump]

- Shh! - It's only cook...

I was only going to say

it's cook walking in her sleep.

She wouldn't sneak on us even if did wake up.

How did you know it was her?

The footsteps... dot and carry one.

Her left leg's longer than the other, you see,

because when she was little, her father used to get drunk

and snatch her out of her cot

and whirl her round his head by the left ankle.

Why does she walk in her sleep?

Trying to escape from her father.

Now that excitement is over, let us proceed with the meeting.

It's Linda's turn.

The news I have for the Hons tonight,

while of considerable Hon interest generally,

particularly concerns Fanny.

I won't ask you to guess

because it's getting late for Jassy and Vict.

And, anyway, you never could.

So I'll tell you straight out.

Aunt Emily's engaged.

Linda, you've made it up!

I pinched this from Sadie

while Fa was making an exhibition of himself

with the entrenching tool.

I'll have to return it for her to find tomorrow,

so listen carefully.

"Not to tell the children we're engaged.

What do you think, darling, just at first...

but then suppose Fanny takes a dislike to him?

I don't see how she could,

but children are so funny.

Won't it be more of a shock?

Anyway, do what you think best, darling.

We'll arrive on the Thursday after Christmas,

and then we'll see how things go on.

All love, Emily."

[Giggling]

[Bird cawing]

[Music playing]

[Swishing]

- Ha! - Milord!

Caught you red-handed!

Merry Christmas, milord.

Merry Christmas, Clara.

How many times do I have to tell you

that to make a wood fire work properly

all the ash must be left in the fireplace?

I was only removing a very little, milord,

just to make room.

Make room for what?!

It's my belief you just try to get away with it,

to assert yourself.

Well, you've lost this round.

[Labby barking]

Ha!

At it again, are you?

One speck of sick and...

[Chirping]

[Labby whining]

What on Earth's that thing?

Fanny's present from her mother.

And there are more down by the tree.

Fa's in a funny mood.

LINDA: "Thora," absolutely non-stop, and a stock whip.

If he puts on "Tosca" next, it means he's really worried.

BOB: Perhaps it's been brought on by Aunt Emily's engagement.

FANNY: Happy Christmas, Jass!

Would anyone like to buy my present from Louisa...

strictly for cash?

FANNY: Won't Louisa he hurt?

JASSY: Not really.

She knows it's for my running away money.

But it's a traveling clock, Jassy.

It's for telling the right time when you do run away.

Very thoughtful of Louisa.

- I shall need money more. - Well, how are you getting on?

I've got my fare to London,

enough for a month and two days

and an hour and a half,

in a bedsit with a basin and breakfast.

BOB: What about other meals?

People who run away can't really expect more than a breakfast.

So when shall you start?

I must get a lot more yet.

It would look very silly having to come home

after a month and two days and an hour and a half.

BOB: Well, I'll give you half a sov for that clock.

Done.

But, Jassy, it's worth far more.

- Then you pay me more. - I don't want it.

Besides, I still think Louisa will be hurt.

Cash!

I don't carry cash in my dressing gown, silly.

I'll hand it over as soon as I see

the color of your money, Bob.

I want this deal closed before Christmas dinner.

[Music ends]

This is it.

If he puts on "Thora" again...

[Music begins]

Oh, dearie me...

and so soon after it had stopped.

Sauve qui peut.

Happy Christmas, young ladies.

ADULT FANNY: My wicked parents

always turned up trumps at Christmas.

My father sent me a pony and cart.

And The Bolter really overdid it as usual.

MATTHEW: Miss Frances Logan, from her mother.

Open it, Fanny!

[Gasps]

Rubies!

SADIE: Most unsuitable for a child.

LINDA: Oh, the bliss of being Fanny.

It's unfair. Why can't I have wicked parents?

MATTHEW: Well, you'd best be satisfied

with those you've got, miss.

At least we're not so damn silly as The Bolter,

chucking away money on jewels for a little girl

who's hardly left her rattle!

SADIE: Matthew.

MATTHEW: And Edward's an even bigger imbecile

sending that pony trap here.

LINDA: But it's a heavenly pony trap.

MATTHEW: Well, so it may be,

but who's going to take the damn thing

back to Emily's house in Shenley?

And where's she going to put it?

FANNY: There's a shed near the garage.

MATTHEW: And what about the pony?

Well, Fanny will be able to talk to Emily about it soon enough.

She's coming on Thursday, Fanny, by the 3:35.

And now that's all that can be said about the matter for now.

Now, Matthew, please.

But if there's any more jewelry for anyone,

I shall throw up.

Harry Biggsworth.

SADIE: Harry.

LINDA: Do you think that if Fa did throw up,

the current would blow out his dentures?

I mean, he's been doing an awful lot of grinding lately.

Is it too late to get him a new set for Christmas?

ADULT FANNY: The day Aunt Emily was to arrive,

we all went out hunting.

The Radletts loved animals...

they loved foxes,

they risked dreadful beatings in order to unstop their earths,

but, nevertheless, more than anything else in the world,

they loved hunting.

It was in their blood and bones,

and in my blood and bones, and nothing could eradicate it,

though we knew it for a kind of original sin.

Are you watching carefully?

That's where he'll come, right across that field.

Yeah.

Any minute now, I should think.

[Barking]

[Horn in distance]

[Yelling]

ADULT FANNY: After three hours, Josh took me home.

JOSH: That's enough, Miss Fanny.

Home now.

ADULT FANNY: I was never allowed to stay out long

or I got tired and would be sick all night.

JOSH: Where's her ladyship hunting this year?

FANNY: My mother's in Paris, Josh.

JOSH: Paris, what for?

FANNY: I suppose she likes it there.

JOSH: It's my opinion her ladyship's wasted,

downright wasted every minute of her life

she's not on horse.

FANNY: She's a wonderful rider, isn't she?

JOSH: Hands like velvet,

but strong, strong as iron.

Now look at you jostling about in that saddle

first here, then there.

They'll be one sore back tonight,

that's one thing certain there will be.

FANNY: Oh, Josh, I'm so tired.

JOSH: Are you?

I never knew her ladyship tired.

I've seen her change horses after a 10 mile point,

get up on to a fresh young five-year-old

what hadn't been out a week.

Up like a bird.

Never knew you had a foot in your hand.

Then catch up his head and pop off over a post and rail,

across the ridge and furrow, sitting like a rock.

Now, Miss Linda... she takes after her ladyship

something wonderful.

Hey, steady up.

That's enough, is it?

[Cooing to horses]

SADIE: Oh, here she is.

EMILY: Hello, Fanny.

SADIE: Darling, may I introduce Captain Warbeck?

- Fanny. - Oh!

Oh, darling, how wet you are.

I suppose the others won't be back for ages.

Where have you come from?

FANNY: I left them drawing the spinney by the Old Rose.

I should go and have my bath, if I were you.

We're not built to keep out the damp forever.

EMILY: Yes, that's right, dear.

You go and have your nice bath.

LINDA: I've just met him. Have you?

Yes, though no one's said anything

about their being engaged.

He doesn't look much like a captain, does he?

I mean, I can't see him killing Germans

with an entrenching tool.

But why has no one said they're engaged?

Perhaps they're waiting to see if we like him.

Or for Fa's approval.

Aunt Emily doesn't have to have that.

But she might want Sadie's.

After all, Sadie is her sister.

Aunt Sadie seemed to like him.

I bet Uncle Matthew gives him rat week.

Poor Aunt Emily.

Perhaps he'll make her keep him in the stables.

Considering her age, I suppose,

she's lucky to get anything.

I can't wait to see him with Fa.

DAVEY: What is your soil down here, Lady Alconleigh?

SADIE: Uh, clay.

Ah, yes, clay.

Yes, so the water here will be madly binding.

I must get my solids exactly right...

so that they're not too solid, if you see what I mean.

May I ask what we are to eat?

BUTLER: Shepherd's pie, sir.

There you are, just right, not too solid.

Shepherd's pie.

No, no, no, thank you.

No twice-cooked meat.

I'm a wretched invalid.

I must be careful or I pay.

What's the matter with twice-cooked meat?

Well, it imposes a most fearful strain on the juices,

you might as well eat leather.

Ah!

But this delicious salad.

Mmm!

And raw lettuce...

it's anti-scorbutic.

Protein.

Ask Mrs. Crabbe to quickly make some more salad.

BUTLER: Yes, milady.

DAVEY: How delicious your bread is,

I'm sure it contains the germ.

The what, Captain Warbeck?

I was saying I feel sure that your delicious bread

is made of stone-ground flour,

which contains a high proportion of the germ.

As you know, in white bread, the germ,

with its wonderful health-giving properties,

is eliminated, or rather extracted

and put into hen food.

With the result, the human race is becoming

more and more enfeebled

while hens grow stronger and larger

with every generation.

So in the end,

hens will be Hons and Hons will be hens.

Oh, how I should love to live in a dear little Hon house.

You wouldn't like your work much.

I once saw a hen lay an egg,

and she had a terrible expression on her face.

Only about like going to the lav.

Now, Linda, that's quite enough!

Linda appears very unselfconscious

in her conversation, Matthew.

Does she?

Well, Fanny has picked up some really dreadful expressions

from that school of hers.

I dare say.

She also picks up a good deal of education.

Ha, what is this education?

Fanny talks about mirrors and mantle pieces,

she takes sugar in her tea,

she has a tassel on her umbrella,

and I have no doubt that if she's ever

fortunate enough to catch a husband,

she'll call his parents mother and father.

Will the wonderful education she is getting

make it up to the unhappy brute for such endless irritation?

Well, a lot of men would find ignorance more irritating.

At least Fanny knows, well, for example,

all about George III.

Well, you don't have to go to some

ghastly middle-class establishment

to know about George III.

Anyway, who was he, Fanny?

Oh, he was a king.

He went mad.

Most original.

Full of information.

Well worth losing every ounce of feminine charm

to find that out.

Legs like gateposts from playing hockey,

and the worst seat on a horse

of any woman I've ever known.

Linda, you're uneducated, thank God,

and unselfconscious.

What do you say about George III?

Well, he was the son of poor Fred,

who died young,

and the father of Beau Brummell's fat friend,

the Prince Regent.

And he was one of those vacillators, you know.

"I am His Highness' dog at Kew.

Pray tell, sir, whose dog are you?"

Oh, how sweet.

Oh, it's lucky.

Fanny's going to have 15,000 a year of her own,

not to speak of any settlement

The Bolter may have picked up in the course of her "career."

She'll get a husband with that all right,

even if she does talk about notepaper and lunch,

and puts the milk in first.

I only hope she doesn't drive

the poor devil to drink after she's hooked him.

All this is quite beside the point.

Fanny may possibly, in the far future,

have a little money of her own,

though it's ludicrous to talk of 15,000 a year.

On the other hand,

the modern world being what it is,

whether or not she gets a husband,

she may well have to earn her own living,

and that is what education is for.

It will also make her a more mature,

a happier, a more interesting,

and interested person if she knows...

That George III was a king and went mad?

MATTHEW: Thank you.

Eh?

No, no, no.

Not for me, thank you.

Delicious drink, but it's the acid in port

that makes one feel so delicate now.

Been a great port drinker, have you?

Oh, no, no.

Not me, never touch the stuff.

My ancestors did the damage.

EMILY: I do wish Matthew hadn't been

quite so fierce at dinner.

LINDA: You gave him as good as you got, Aunt Emily.

EMILY: Perhaps that was a bad thing.

It may have upset him,

make him all the fiercer to my nice Davey.

SADIE: No, duck, you had the good sense

to let him get the last word in about George III.

That will have made him

frightfully pleased with himself.

It may increase his appetite for putting people down.

And if he tries to put Davey down,

and Davey gets the best of him...

SADIE: The children know the news about you and Emily,

Captain Warbeck.

DAVEY: Oh.

I suppose they think it's a big joke,

old people like us getting married.

FANNY: No, of course not.

MATTHEW: He's an extraordinary fellow, this Davey.

He knows everything.

He says those Charles II sugar casters

are only a Georgian imitation, not valuable at all.

[Chuckles]

Tomorrow, I'll take you round the house,

show you all our things,

and you can tell us what's what.

Quite useful having a fellow like you in the family,

I must say.

Darling Matthew!

That would be very nice.

But now, if you don't mind,

I think I'll go to bed.

SADIE: Oh, morning tea, Captain War... Davey?

Oh, yes, please.

So necessary to replace the evaporation of the night.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

Wooing is so tiring.

I tell you, he's frightfully clever.

You wouldn't believe the things he does.

He writes books, criticizes pictures.

Plays the piano.

Does he now?

Extraordinary cove.

I bet you anything you like

he whacks hell out of the bloody thing.

[Speaking quietly]

BOB: Davey Warbeck is a Hon.

LINDA: Yes, he seems a terrific Hon.

Have you asked him about Oscar Wilde yet?

BOB: No, not yet, but I'm sure he'll tell.

But I meant was, he's a real Hon.

I've looked it up, and it's true.

The Honorable David Warbeck.

He's only a second son according to the book,

so I'm afraid Aunt Emily won't be a lady.

And his father's only the second Baron.

Still, he's a Hon all right, all ways round.

He certainly is!

He's given me something for my running away fund.

FANNY: You've been quick off the mark.

I've now got enough money

for a month and five days and 13 hours.

DAVEY: Oh, no, Matthew!

That couldn't possibly be a Reynolds.

Prince Hoare at his very worst...

if you're lucky.

MATTHEW: Ha!

Pig's thinkers, Davey?

DAVEY: Oh, yes, please, Matthew,

if you mean brains... so digestible.

MATTHEW: What do you think of my eagle, hmm?

DAVEY: Ah!

Yes, well, if that were Chinese now,

it would be a treasure.

But it's Jap, I'm afraid...

not worth the bronze it's cast in.

After breakfast, I'll show you our collection of minerals

in the corridor.

I bet even you'll agree we've got something there.

They say it's the finest collection in England.

DAVEY: Ah!

What a beautiful collection.

I knew we'd find something decent

for you in the end.

DAVEY: I suppose you know they're all diseased?

SADIE: Diseased?

DAVEY: Yes, badly, and too far gone for treatment.

You might as well throw the whole lot away.

Damn fellow, nothing is right for him!

Even the minerals have got foot and mouth.

[Laughter]

- Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.

ADULT FANNY: And a day or two later,

we all celebrated the new year.

A happy new year, well begun...

the year of Aunt Emily's marriage.

And the year when

Polly Hampton went to India with her father the Viceroy.

Bye-bye!

Bye!

[Engine cranking]

[Engine starts]

Bye!

ALL: Bye!

Goodbye!

ADULT FANNY: And the year which was to transform Linda and me

from children, young for our ages,

into lounging adolescents waiting for love.

Subtitling made possible by Acorn Media