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Previously on
How I Met Your Father...
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00:00:03,088 --> 00:00:04,838
- Wonderful news.
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00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:06,840
It's lost and found day!
4
00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:09,802
- Snip and Save: A Complete
Guide to Home Haircuts.
5
00:00:09,803 --> 00:00:13,264
- Oh, actually, that's mine.
- This lame-ass book is all mine...
6
00:00:13,265 --> 00:00:17,184
This receipt has a love song
written on it. About Sophie.
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00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:19,144
- Yes, I still have
feelings for Sophie.
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00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,187
- So what are you gonna do?
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00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,147
- I mean, it was a complete
disaster the first time around.
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00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:25,609
It would probably be a disaster
again, and I just need to move on.
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00:00:27,612 --> 00:00:29,948
♪ And I'm making it a habit ♪
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00:00:30,949 --> 00:00:33,994
♪ Reaching out to you ♪
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00:00:34,953 --> 00:00:36,453
Wait! Wait for me!
14
00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,872
♪ Actin' like a fool... ♪
15
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:42,918
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
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00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:46,797
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
17
00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:50,302
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
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00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:56,975
- You know, kiddo, life isn't
always blue skies and sunshine.
19
00:00:57,434 --> 00:00:59,768
Sometimes, things
can get stormy.
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00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:01,979
Oh, I
get it. You're doing a metaphor
21
00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:04,857
about trouble brewing
with your friends, right?
22
00:01:04,858 --> 00:01:06,859
- Ugh! No!
23
00:01:06,860 --> 00:01:10,071
I'm talking about an
actual storm. A hurricane.
24
00:01:10,405 --> 00:01:12,615
- Hurricane Marcy
is headed north,
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00:01:12,616 --> 00:01:14,450
and it's gonna be a doozy!
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00:01:14,451 --> 00:01:17,745
I'm Sandy Rivers, recently
demoted to weekend weatherman
27
00:01:17,746 --> 00:01:19,747
as a result of my record-setting
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00:01:19,748 --> 00:01:23,209
47 still unproven allegations.
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00:01:24,211 --> 00:01:26,671
Thanks a lot, Ronan Farrow.
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00:01:27,339 --> 00:01:30,591
- Okay, how long do hurricanes last?
'Cause Hannah's moving back Monday,
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and my boo does not like
flying through turbulence.
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00:01:32,594 --> 00:01:35,346
- Wow. What a unique
woman you married.
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00:01:36,306 --> 00:01:38,641
- How does she feel about war?
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00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:41,769
- Okay, Hannah will be fine.
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00:01:41,770 --> 00:01:45,607
You see, weather warnings are just
hype to scare you into buying supplies.
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00:01:46,024 --> 00:01:48,026
Big Umbrella is real.
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00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:50,736
- Hey! Hey, hey,
guess what? Good news.
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00:01:50,737 --> 00:01:52,737
Your number-one boy just
found a new place to live!
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00:01:53,031 --> 00:01:54,615
- I asked Jesse to move in with me.
- Ha, ha!
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00:01:54,616 --> 00:01:57,201
Wow! ELLEN: Wow!
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00:01:57,202 --> 00:02:00,871
That is so great, and not
shockingly fast at all.
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00:02:00,872 --> 00:02:03,123
- I know, I know.
It's a little crazy,
43
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,501
but the loft I'm renting is
way too expensive for just me.
44
00:02:05,502 --> 00:02:08,546
- Yeah, and the only place that I could
afford was an illegal 12th-floor walkup,
45
00:02:08,547 --> 00:02:10,339
and the stairs would've
been great for my butt...
46
00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:11,799
- Your butt is perfect!
- Oh!
47
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:12,884
- Agree to disagree.
48
00:02:14,344 --> 00:02:16,053
- I think it's great!
49
00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:18,306
Best wishes to you and yours.
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00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:20,849
- Um, thank you, Sophie.
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00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:22,851
So, I was thinking maybe
we could have a little hang
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00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:25,354
at our place later to
celebrate my last night.
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00:02:25,355 --> 00:02:27,565
- What do you mean "last night"?
You're moving out tomorrow?
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00:02:27,566 --> 00:02:30,276
- Yeah. We're excited. Why wait?
55
00:02:30,277 --> 00:02:33,445
I guess. I mean, Parker's
great, but can she...
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00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:36,240
open a beer bottle with
another beer bottle?
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00:02:40,412 --> 00:02:42,831
Excuse me. I need new pants.
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00:02:43,707 --> 00:02:44,587
- Well, I'll be there.
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00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:47,752
May this season of your lives
bring you peace and joy.
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00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:50,213
- Uh, cool.
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00:02:50,630 --> 00:02:52,674
Can we
talk for a second, weirdo?
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00:02:57,012 --> 00:02:59,013
You're still into Jesse.
- What?
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00:02:59,014 --> 00:03:01,307
No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
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00:03:01,308 --> 00:03:02,808
You're talking like
a Hallmark card,
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00:03:02,809 --> 00:03:05,009
and you only do that when
you're emotionally devastated.
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00:03:05,937 --> 00:03:08,273
- One Shamrock Shake, please.
- Sorry, machine's broken.
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00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:13,028
- Wishing you the luck of the Irish
on this blessed St. Patrick's Day.
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00:03:13,486 --> 00:03:16,072
Fine! I'm still into Jesse.
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00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:19,742
Everything about him. His
eyes and his smile and his...
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00:03:19,743 --> 00:03:22,078
unreasonably loud voice.
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00:03:22,495 --> 00:03:25,331
- Soph, you need to tell
him how you feel. Soon.
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00:03:25,332 --> 00:03:27,333
Before he gets in too deep
with this Parker girl.
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00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:29,627
- He is already in too deep.
They're moving in together!
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00:03:29,628 --> 00:03:31,545
Soon, they're gonna be
peeing in front of each other
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00:03:31,546 --> 00:03:32,755
and showering in
front of each other
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00:03:32,756 --> 00:03:34,340
and peeing in the shower
in front of each other!
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00:03:34,341 --> 00:03:36,217
- Is that what you
think relationships are?
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00:03:36,218 --> 00:03:39,303
- Look. He's... happy,
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00:03:39,304 --> 00:03:40,639
and I need to be supportive.
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00:03:41,848 --> 00:03:45,100
In fact, I'm gonna be the
most goddamn supportive person
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00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:46,810
you've ever seen in your life.
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00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:49,438
I'm gonna be like the human
version of a jockstrap.
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00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:52,734
J-J-Just keeping
Jesse... supported.
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00:03:54,694 --> 00:03:55,695
- Ew.
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00:04:00,909 --> 00:04:03,535
Val really believed
that we belonged together.
86
00:04:03,536 --> 00:04:06,915
She just needed to show me that
he felt the same way I did.
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00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:19,301
- Where the hell
are those lyrics?
88
00:04:21,972 --> 00:04:24,765
- Didn't see a lot of rain out
there. You know what I did see?
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00:04:24,766 --> 00:04:27,476
A lot of umbrellas. And ponchos.
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00:04:27,477 --> 00:04:29,187
The conspiracy is real, guys.
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00:04:29,563 --> 00:04:32,523
- I thought this was a
party. Where's the music?
92
00:04:32,524 --> 00:04:34,608
The passed apps? A bouquet of
balloons that lets me know,
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00:04:34,609 --> 00:04:36,443
"Okay, I'm gonna have
a good time tonight"?
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00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,696
- Hey, guys!
95
00:04:39,489 --> 00:04:41,532
- Oh, this isn't a
moving-out party.
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00:04:41,533 --> 00:04:43,158
It's a help-you-pack trap!
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00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:46,413
- That's right, suckers! And
you fell right into it! Ha, ha!
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00:04:46,830 --> 00:04:49,456
- It was Jesse's idea,
I swear. I bought beer.
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00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:52,168
And ordered pizza. And
said we should hire movers.
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00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:53,712
Please like me.
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00:04:54,713 --> 00:04:57,381
- Jesse? Why'd you
pack our crêpe maker?
102
00:04:57,382 --> 00:04:59,300
- Uh, didn't you give
me that for my birthday?
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00:04:59,301 --> 00:05:01,218
- Yeah, for us to
make crêpes together.
104
00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:03,762
Like, we were gonna call
ourselves the Nutella Fellas.
105
00:05:03,763 --> 00:05:06,432
Well, we'll bust it out when we have
you over for brunch.
106
00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:09,310
- Yeah, I spent a summer apprenticing
at a crêperie in Montreal,
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00:05:09,311 --> 00:05:12,104
and what we made
was tres delicieuse.
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00:05:12,105 --> 00:05:14,273
- That means three delicious-es.
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00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:16,651
- Does it?
- No, that can't be right.
110
00:05:17,152 --> 00:05:18,402
- Check it out.
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00:05:18,403 --> 00:05:20,530
Human jockstrap going in.
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00:05:23,241 --> 00:05:26,118
Hey, girl! Hey. I
just wanted to say
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00:05:26,119 --> 00:05:28,662
that I'm so excited
for you and Jesse.
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00:05:28,663 --> 00:05:31,665
What a milestone. Can I hug
you? Yeah, I'm gonna hug you.
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00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:34,084
Aw! Thanks.
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00:05:34,085 --> 00:05:36,128
I am so lucky that Jesse
has such great friends.
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00:05:36,129 --> 00:05:38,005
All mine are still
back in Nevada.
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00:05:38,006 --> 00:05:41,550
- Oh, yeah? Well, moving here
mid-school year must have been tough.
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00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:44,345
- It was. Yeah, but I just
needed to get out of there.
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00:05:44,346 --> 00:05:46,472
- Really? How come?
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00:05:46,473 --> 00:05:48,975
- Oh, it's a long story.
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00:05:49,726 --> 00:05:51,311
I don't really
wanna get into it.
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00:05:56,191 --> 00:05:59,360
- That was weird, right?
- You hugging her? Extremely.
124
00:05:59,361 --> 00:06:02,196
- No. What gym teacher leaves
her job mid-school year
125
00:06:02,197 --> 00:06:05,366
and moves across the country,
and "doesn't wanna get into it"?
126
00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:07,660
Like, who
was even asking?
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00:06:07,661 --> 00:06:10,705
- You were!
- Bingo! Something's off.
128
00:06:12,457 --> 00:06:16,127
- Good God, how many
chinos can one man own?
129
00:06:16,628 --> 00:06:18,462
Hey, guys! ELLEN: Hey.
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00:06:18,463 --> 00:06:20,965
- So, that lost and found
night we had a while back.
131
00:06:20,966 --> 00:06:22,634
That was pretty fun, wasn't it?
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00:06:23,301 --> 00:06:24,301
- Sure.
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00:06:24,302 --> 00:06:27,180
It was aight. Why do you ask?
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00:06:27,764 --> 00:06:30,517
- You didn't happen to take
anything that night, did you?
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00:06:31,017 --> 00:06:33,645
Something that wasn't yours...
136
00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,855
- No.
- Of course not!
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00:06:36,856 --> 00:06:38,399
No, the only thing
that Ellen and I steal
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00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,985
is ourselves to take on
life's big challenges.
139
00:06:40,986 --> 00:06:42,362
- Mm-hmm! Okay, bye.
140
00:06:43,822 --> 00:06:47,075
- Well, if you happen to
remember anything else...
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00:06:48,368 --> 00:06:49,535
you have my number.
142
00:06:49,536 --> 00:06:51,829
- Sure thing, Detective Nerd.
143
00:06:51,830 --> 00:06:53,998
Someone send
Valentina back to the kitchen
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00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:56,041
'cause she got
burned.
145
00:06:58,712 --> 00:07:01,338
Oh, pizza's here!
146
00:07:01,339 --> 00:07:04,633
No need to chip in for tip.
It is also on me.
147
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:06,136
Remember! Like me!
148
00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:13,685
- Sid.
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00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:19,273
Check out the name
on this credit card.
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00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:21,317
Timothy Mansfield?
151
00:07:21,318 --> 00:07:24,403
That's not her name.
That's a boy's name.
152
00:07:24,404 --> 00:07:26,238
You gotta admit, that
is sketchy as hell.
153
00:07:26,239 --> 00:07:28,365
- It is indeed.
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00:07:28,366 --> 00:07:32,078
Looks like Lady Parker
just became Shady Parker.
155
00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:41,212
- So, who do you think
Timothy Mansfield is?
156
00:07:42,339 --> 00:07:44,048
- She must be some
sort of a con woman.
157
00:07:44,049 --> 00:07:46,008
- Oh, my God, yes.
Like in those articles
158
00:07:46,009 --> 00:07:48,344
that become podcasts that
become limited series.
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00:07:48,345 --> 00:07:50,429
That become podcasts that
recap the limited series!
160
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:52,056
- Exactly! This
is what she does.
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00:07:52,057 --> 00:07:55,059
She seduces a guy,
moves in with him,
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00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,894
butters up his friends
with pizza, and then...
163
00:07:58,605 --> 00:07:59,980
- She strangles them?
164
00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:01,942
- No! That was a real pepperoni.
165
00:08:03,068 --> 00:08:05,736
No. She takes them for
everything they have,
166
00:08:05,737 --> 00:08:08,572
flees to the next
city, does it again.
167
00:08:08,573 --> 00:08:09,865
Wash, rinse, repeat.
168
00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:12,369
- Like evil shampoo.
169
00:08:13,495 --> 00:08:17,415
Poor Jesse. He's just
so sweet and trusting.
170
00:08:17,916 --> 00:08:21,419
Oh God, she already has him eating
outta the palm of her hand. Look.
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00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:23,546
Mm!
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00:08:23,547 --> 00:08:26,215
Just when I thought pistachios
couldn't taste any better!
173
00:08:28,093 --> 00:08:30,386
- We have to tell him.
- No! Not yet, Sophie.
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00:08:30,387 --> 00:08:32,847
He'll never believe us. We
need more hard evidence.
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00:08:33,265 --> 00:08:36,559
- Let's go through her purse. Oh,
I bet it's chock full of secrets.
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00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,102
- Ooh, that is good. But
177
00:08:38,103 --> 00:08:39,979
But how do we get it
without her noticing?
178
00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:42,690
- We do the old
distract and extract.
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00:08:42,691 --> 00:08:43,983
I literally just
came up with that.
180
00:08:43,984 --> 00:08:47,278
- Well, may I just
confess I am impressed?
181
00:08:47,279 --> 00:08:49,154
- Mine was better.
- I know.
182
00:08:51,491 --> 00:08:53,367
Hey, girl.
183
00:08:53,368 --> 00:08:54,411
- I mean...
184
00:08:54,911 --> 00:08:58,080
what up, my sister from
a different mister?
185
00:08:58,081 --> 00:09:01,834
- Uh, you know, my zipper is
stuck, and I really need to pee.
186
00:09:01,835 --> 00:09:04,128
Can you come into the
bathroom and help me?
187
00:09:04,129 --> 00:09:06,338
- Can't I just unzip it here?
188
00:09:06,339 --> 00:09:09,426
- Don't make this any more
difficult than it needs to be. Walk.
189
00:09:11,428 --> 00:09:14,722
Val, I can't find the
caterpillar you asked me to save.
190
00:09:14,723 --> 00:09:16,724
Hopefully, she became
a butterfly, and...
191
00:09:17,517 --> 00:09:19,268
There was no
caterpillar, was there?
192
00:09:19,269 --> 00:09:20,896
- I know you two took it.
193
00:09:21,855 --> 00:09:23,689
- Okay, fine! I took it!
194
00:09:23,690 --> 00:09:26,400
- We're dirty thieves.
- But it was for everyone's own good.
195
00:09:26,401 --> 00:09:28,027
Do you really want
this out in the world,
196
00:09:28,028 --> 00:09:29,528
destroying people's lives?
197
00:09:29,529 --> 00:09:31,363
- Just. Go. Get. It.
198
00:09:31,364 --> 00:09:33,366
- Fine! But! Don't!
Clap! At! Me!
199
00:09:34,951 --> 00:09:36,953
- Well... good.
Luck. Out. There.
200
00:09:45,128 --> 00:09:47,672
- You ready? I'll
distract. You extract.
201
00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:52,718
Whoa! Parker! Strong much?
202
00:09:52,719 --> 00:09:54,428
- Oh! Yeah.
203
00:09:54,429 --> 00:09:56,264
Yeah, I used to be a
competitive arm wrestler.
204
00:09:57,265 --> 00:09:59,266
- That's so crazy!
205
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:01,227
I used to
arm wrestle, too!
206
00:10:01,228 --> 00:10:02,728
You did? SOPHIE: Yeah.
207
00:10:02,729 --> 00:10:04,563
Used to be a member of the...
208
00:10:04,564 --> 00:10:07,191
Women's Arm Wrestling
of New England.
209
00:10:07,192 --> 00:10:09,194
You know... WAWONE?
210
00:10:09,653 --> 00:10:12,821
- Well, what was your move?
Top roller, flop, press, hook?
211
00:10:12,822 --> 00:10:15,157
- Yeah. All of 'em.
212
00:10:17,452 --> 00:10:18,411
You wanna tangle?
213
00:10:19,162 --> 00:10:22,289
Alright. Hoo! It's on!
214
00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:24,292
It's on!
- Okay. Okay.
215
00:10:25,961 --> 00:10:27,546
- Um, what's going on?
216
00:10:27,963 --> 00:10:30,005
- Uh, nothing. Just...
217
00:10:30,006 --> 00:10:33,343
two alpha females vying for
supremacy via arm wrestling.
218
00:10:34,719 --> 00:10:38,222
- Prepare for the challenge of...
- Three, two, one, wrestle!
219
00:10:40,058 --> 00:10:41,684
- Oh! I'm so sorry. I have
a Tide stick in my purse...
220
00:10:41,685 --> 00:10:43,811
- No need! I want a rematch.
221
00:10:43,812 --> 00:10:45,980
Yeah. I just wasn't
ready yet. Oh!
222
00:10:45,981 --> 00:10:49,651
'Cause in WAWONE, we say, uh, we
say, "Three, two, one, wrestle now!"
223
00:10:50,151 --> 00:10:51,652
Okay...
Yeah. SOPHIE: Yeah.
224
00:10:51,653 --> 00:10:55,407
Three, two, one... wrestle now!
225
00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:58,492
- Is Sophie mouthing,
226
00:10:58,493 --> 00:11:00,911
"I think I can, I think I can"?
227
00:11:03,415 --> 00:11:04,749
- Yeah, it's her favorite book.
228
00:11:12,173 --> 00:11:15,259
- Anything?
- Um, more like everything.
229
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:18,804
Three bottles of prescription
painkillers in someone else's name.
230
00:11:18,805 --> 00:11:20,347
Timothy Mansfield?
231
00:11:20,348 --> 00:11:23,100
- Nope. Another name.
Rachel Whitmore.
232
00:11:24,811 --> 00:11:25,978
- She seduces women, too?
233
00:11:25,979 --> 00:11:27,438
Oh, my God.
234
00:11:27,439 --> 00:11:30,399
She's a hot con woman
who swings both ways.
235
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,278
This is totally article-turned-podcast
turned-limited-series material.
236
00:11:34,279 --> 00:11:35,654
- Mm-hmm.
237
00:11:35,655 --> 00:11:37,907
Why do you think Parker's
got all these pills?
238
00:11:37,908 --> 00:11:39,148
- She's probably a drug dealer.
239
00:11:40,035 --> 00:11:41,620
- Or she's a drug lord.
240
00:11:42,412 --> 00:11:45,623
- What's the difference?
- A drug lord is a dealer
241
00:11:45,624 --> 00:11:48,001
who works really hard
and gets promoted.
242
00:11:48,627 --> 00:11:49,668
- Whoa.
243
00:11:49,669 --> 00:11:51,462
- I think we have enough
to bring to Jesse.
244
00:11:51,463 --> 00:11:53,505
- No, no, no! No,
we need more proof.
245
00:11:53,506 --> 00:11:55,592
Something that makes our
case against her rock solid.
246
00:11:56,551 --> 00:11:58,191
- We could run a
background check on her.
247
00:11:59,012 --> 00:12:00,763
- You can't just run a
background check on someone!
248
00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:02,056
They have to agree to it.
249
00:12:02,057 --> 00:12:04,141
You know, like when
you're applying for a job.
250
00:12:04,142 --> 00:12:06,060
Or auditioning for
Naked and Afraid.
251
00:12:06,061 --> 00:12:09,813
What's up, Naked and Afraid?
My name is Sid. I'm 5'11".
252
00:12:09,814 --> 00:12:12,608
I am not scared of mosquitoes.
No problem whatsoever...
253
00:12:12,609 --> 00:12:14,944
- What the hell are you doing? You
don't have to be naked for the audition!
254
00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:17,404
- I told you to stay in your room!
- Fine! Fine!
255
00:12:17,405 --> 00:12:20,449
- Oh, my God, Sid...
- I know! I got robbed!
256
00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:24,079
- No! Not that. No. We
know the guy who hired her.
257
00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:28,374
- Hi, Sophie! Thanks
for the invite.
258
00:12:28,375 --> 00:12:30,918
I love a packing party.
I brought my label maker.
259
00:12:30,919 --> 00:12:31,962
Ooh.
260
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,346
- Drew? What are you doing here?
261
00:12:42,347 --> 00:12:44,390
- Uh, Sophie invited me.
262
00:12:44,391 --> 00:12:46,642
- Oh. Uh...
263
00:12:46,643 --> 00:12:48,310
Cool. Well, hey, listen,
it's so nice of you
264
00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:50,854
to drop everything you were doing
to come help a colleague pack.
265
00:12:50,855 --> 00:12:53,148
- Come on, man. I don't
see you as a colleague.
266
00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:55,192
You're my employee. Ooh.
267
00:12:55,193 --> 00:12:56,527
Sweet, 'za.
268
00:12:56,528 --> 00:12:59,530
Eh, tell
me you got-a the pepperoni!
269
00:12:59,531 --> 00:13:01,408
I studied
abroad in Italy.
270
00:13:04,786 --> 00:13:06,620
- What? He's my friend.
271
00:13:10,417 --> 00:13:12,251
- Gah!
- Hey.
272
00:13:12,252 --> 00:13:13,587
Hi, guys. SOPHIE: So, um...
273
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,714
Parker's pretty great, huh?
274
00:13:16,715 --> 00:13:19,216
- Oh, P-Kitty? Yeah,
she's the best.
275
00:13:19,217 --> 00:13:21,135
I call her that 'cause one
time in the teacher's lounge,
276
00:13:21,136 --> 00:13:22,845
she fell asleep in a sunbeam.
277
00:13:22,846 --> 00:13:24,680
Aw.
278
00:13:24,681 --> 00:13:26,682
So what was the
hiring process like?
279
00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:28,309
Interview? Background check?
280
00:13:28,310 --> 00:13:31,812
- Oh, great interview. I asked her
to describe herself in three words,
281
00:13:31,813 --> 00:13:34,273
and she said, "really
bad at counting."
282
00:13:36,526 --> 00:13:38,402
It's four words.
283
00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:40,696
- Got it. She's a riot.
284
00:13:40,697 --> 00:13:41,697
- Yeah.
285
00:13:41,698 --> 00:13:44,325
- So did you ever talk to anyone
who worked with her before?
286
00:13:44,326 --> 00:13:46,452
- Um, didn't have to.
287
00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:49,038
Yeah, I got a glowing letter from
the principal at her last school.
288
00:13:49,039 --> 00:13:50,957
- What school was that?
- Um...
289
00:13:51,666 --> 00:13:54,335
Washington Middle
School in Reno. Why?
290
00:13:54,336 --> 00:13:56,003
- Oh, I like to know, um,
291
00:13:56,004 --> 00:13:58,964
all my friends' employment
history. What was your first job?
292
00:13:58,965 --> 00:14:01,675
- Panera Bread. But "job"
isn't the word for it.
293
00:14:01,676 --> 00:14:03,637
We were really
more like a family.
294
00:14:11,228 --> 00:14:14,271
- Hurri-cane? More
like hurri-tame.
295
00:14:14,272 --> 00:14:17,233
Oh, damn it, no. Pretend I said
"hurri-lame." Hurri-lame! Damn it.
296
00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:18,442
- Did you get it?
297
00:14:20,111 --> 00:14:22,279
This is Jesse's lame
self-haircut book.
298
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,032
- And I'm so sorry I took it.
299
00:14:24,616 --> 00:14:26,867
I remember the moment you pulled
it out of the lost and found box
300
00:14:26,868 --> 00:14:28,078
like it was yesterday.
301
00:14:28,954 --> 00:14:31,914
- Snip and Save: A Complete
Guide to Home Haircuts.
302
00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:33,035
- Oh, actually, that's mine.
303
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:36,001
I thought everyone was
going to say what I was thinking.
304
00:14:36,002 --> 00:14:39,338
That this was the most badass
book of all time. But then...
305
00:14:39,339 --> 00:14:41,507
Wow. That is so sad.
306
00:14:41,508 --> 00:14:43,092
I didn't wanna
be the odd one out,
307
00:14:43,093 --> 00:14:45,761
so I piled on with one of
my classic Ellen burns.
308
00:14:45,762 --> 00:14:47,973
Sweetie, we get it. Do
you need to borrow money?
309
00:14:49,391 --> 00:14:52,351
But the truth was, I always
dreamt of doing my own hair.
310
00:14:52,352 --> 00:14:55,104
So, later that night,
I made my move.
311
00:14:55,105 --> 00:14:58,357
Luckily, your girl Ellie
is smooth as jelly.
312
00:14:58,358 --> 00:15:00,193
I gotta go.
313
00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:03,613
I'm beat. Oh. Oh, my...
314
00:15:05,657 --> 00:15:07,783
I got home and got to cutting.
315
00:15:07,784 --> 00:15:10,411
They say the first
cut is the deepest,
316
00:15:10,412 --> 00:15:11,913
but, in my case...
317
00:15:12,706 --> 00:15:14,331
it was the dumbest.
318
00:15:20,255 --> 00:15:23,674
- It's okay, darling. It's
alright. It's okay. I can fix this.
319
00:15:23,675 --> 00:15:25,218
Um...
320
00:15:26,261 --> 00:15:26,969
Okay...
321
00:15:38,189 --> 00:15:42,151
- So earlier, when you said what you stole
could hurt a lot of people, you meant...
322
00:15:42,152 --> 00:15:44,820
- Destroy their 'dos!
Maim their manes!
323
00:15:44,821 --> 00:15:46,572
Turn their haircuts
into scare cuts!
324
00:15:46,573 --> 00:15:49,283
- But what's the big deal?
Your hair grew back fine.
325
00:15:49,284 --> 00:15:51,453
- Did it, Valentina? Did it!?
326
00:15:51,912 --> 00:15:53,913
Ah!
327
00:15:53,914 --> 00:15:56,874
Wait, so you've
been wearing that...
328
00:15:56,875 --> 00:15:58,292
- Since lost and found night!
329
00:15:58,293 --> 00:16:00,836
And if you were wondering
if it itches, it does!
330
00:16:00,837 --> 00:16:03,005
- Uh, well, uh,
331
00:16:03,006 --> 00:16:05,132
sorry for the confusion.
332
00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:08,969
The wig looks great, though.
I never suspected a thing.
333
00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:11,222
Wait.
334
00:16:11,223 --> 00:16:12,557
What was she looking for?
335
00:16:13,099 --> 00:16:16,393
- Doesn't matter. What matters is
that she couldn't even tell, okay?
336
00:16:16,394 --> 00:16:19,146
Which is exactly what Raffa at
the wig shop said would happen.
337
00:16:19,147 --> 00:16:20,773
Oh.
338
00:16:20,774 --> 00:16:24,026
- Okay. I'm gonna call the middle school
and prove that Parker never worked there,
339
00:16:24,027 --> 00:16:27,863
and you are gonna soak up every
detail for the Netflix pitch.
340
00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:29,823
- What? We're going to Netflix?
341
00:16:29,824 --> 00:16:31,909
Sophie, we'll get lost
in a sea of content.
342
00:16:31,910 --> 00:16:33,452
- Do you think that Sarah
Paulson would play me?
343
00:16:33,453 --> 00:16:35,746
'Cause I feel like she would just nail
my layered innocence.
344
00:16:35,747 --> 00:16:36,914
- Shh. It's ringing.
- Mm.
345
00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:41,752
This is Principal Harris. SOPHIE
Good afternoon, Principal.
346
00:16:41,753 --> 00:16:45,130
I was calling to get a
recommendation for a teacher
347
00:16:45,131 --> 00:16:47,008
that worked for
you. Parker James?
348
00:16:47,717 --> 00:16:49,718
- I actually don't
recognize the name.
349
00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:51,470
- Ha! Case closed! Yes!
350
00:16:53,848 --> 00:16:56,183
We're not gonna mention that
during the Netflix pitch.
351
00:16:56,184 --> 00:16:57,060
- Mm-hmm.
352
00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,521
- You almost got
away with it, Parker!
353
00:17:00,522 --> 00:17:02,106
- Or should we say Drug Lord...
354
00:17:02,107 --> 00:17:04,650
Parker?
355
00:17:04,651 --> 00:17:07,444
- Jesse and Parker are in Jesse's
room. Do you want me to go get them?
356
00:17:07,445 --> 00:17:08,862
- Yes!
357
00:17:08,863 --> 00:17:10,239
Please.
358
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,448
Thank you!
359
00:17:18,248 --> 00:17:19,665
- Hey. What's going on?
360
00:17:19,666 --> 00:17:22,209
- Jesse, we hate
to break it to you,
361
00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:25,255
but your friend here
isn't who she says she is.
362
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,674
- Parker James...
363
00:17:28,675 --> 00:17:30,135
is a con artist.
364
00:17:30,927 --> 00:17:33,512
- We'd like to tell you a little
story about a girl named Parker.
365
00:17:33,513 --> 00:17:35,222
She rolls into town.
366
00:17:35,223 --> 00:17:37,975
She fakes her way
into a wholesome job.
367
00:17:37,976 --> 00:17:40,978
She finds herself a
sweet, gullible dope
368
00:17:40,979 --> 00:17:42,855
and takes him for
all he's worth.
369
00:17:42,856 --> 00:17:45,691
- And she also does...
370
00:17:45,692 --> 00:17:49,069
- the drug stuff.
- Oh, we're talking lord level.
371
00:17:49,070 --> 00:17:52,323
- Jesse, that's not true. I...
- Of course. it's not true.
372
00:17:52,324 --> 00:17:55,034
This is what I get
for not hiring movers.
373
00:17:55,035 --> 00:17:58,245
- If it's not true, then why
does Parker have a credit card
374
00:17:58,246 --> 00:18:00,915
belonging to someone
named Timothy Mansfield?
375
00:18:00,916 --> 00:18:04,251
- Yeah, and Rachel Whitmore's
prescription pills?
376
00:18:04,252 --> 00:18:07,421
- I'm digging this 'cause it's really
taking the heat off my wig situation.
377
00:18:07,422 --> 00:18:09,883
- Oh yeah. Oh, you
are sliding a bit.
378
00:18:10,759 --> 00:18:13,093
- Oh, my God, did
I hire a criminal?
379
00:18:13,094 --> 00:18:15,846
Was I blinded by comedy gold?
380
00:18:15,847 --> 00:18:17,557
Really bad at counting.
381
00:18:18,558 --> 00:18:21,310
- Drew, Parker didn't even work
at Washington Middle School!
382
00:18:21,311 --> 00:18:24,104
- Yes, I did!
- Oh, you wanna do this the hard way?
383
00:18:24,105 --> 00:18:25,148
Fine.
384
00:18:28,985 --> 00:18:31,070
This Principal Harris. SOPHIE
Hi, Principal.
385
00:18:31,071 --> 00:18:34,073
This is Sophie. I called
before about Parker James.
386
00:18:34,074 --> 00:18:37,160
- Yes, I remember. You yelled
"case closed" and hung up on me.
387
00:18:37,869 --> 00:18:40,287
I was going to say that I
didn't recognize Parker's name
388
00:18:40,288 --> 00:18:41,830
because I just
started working here.
389
00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:44,750
- Oh. Is that... so?
390
00:18:44,751 --> 00:18:47,545
But I confirmed
with faculty and students alike
391
00:18:47,546 --> 00:18:49,588
that Ms. James was a
phenomenal gym teacher.
392
00:18:49,589 --> 00:18:52,175
You're breaking up! Uh, bye, now!
393
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:57,054
But what about the credit card?
And the prescription pills?
394
00:18:57,055 --> 00:18:59,974
And moving across the country
for mysterious reasons?
395
00:18:59,975 --> 00:19:02,227
- You don't need to answer.
- No, no, it, it's fine.
396
00:19:02,686 --> 00:19:04,729
The credit card
belongs to my brother
397
00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:07,523
and the pills belong to my mom.
398
00:19:07,524 --> 00:19:09,316
- But they're all
different last names.
399
00:19:09,317 --> 00:19:12,236
- My mom kept her maiden name
because she's a feminist.
400
00:19:12,237 --> 00:19:15,322
My brother took his wife's name
because he's also a feminist.
401
00:19:15,323 --> 00:19:17,158
- The future is female!
402
00:19:18,034 --> 00:19:21,078
- My mom's recovering from a
really bad rock climbing accident.
403
00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:23,497
- Or is she?
- Sophie. Uh-uh.
404
00:19:23,498 --> 00:19:26,001
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It sounds like she is.
405
00:19:26,918 --> 00:19:29,753
- I have my brother's credit card
because we split her medical bills.
406
00:19:32,632 --> 00:19:35,384
- Parker dropped everything and
moved here to take care of her mom.
407
00:19:35,385 --> 00:19:37,052
- Is she gonna be okay?
408
00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:40,180
- Yes. Yeah, the doctor said she
had a one-in-a-million chance
409
00:19:40,181 --> 00:19:42,558
to ever walk again. Well,
guess what? She's the one.
410
00:19:42,559 --> 00:19:45,060
- Hoo! Yeah. Netflix just reached
out about buying her life rights.
411
00:19:45,061 --> 00:19:46,270
- Sarah Paulson's interested.
412
00:19:46,271 --> 00:19:48,522
The
Sarah Paulson. It's cool.
413
00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:49,941
It's very cool.
414
00:19:50,942 --> 00:19:52,777
- I am so sorry, Parker. I...
415
00:19:54,404 --> 00:19:57,323
I think I just had an insane reaction
to Jesse moving out tomorrow,
416
00:19:57,324 --> 00:20:00,451
and it's just that we've been roommates
since... before we could drink.
417
00:20:00,452 --> 00:20:03,203
And
now, all we do is drink.
418
00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:04,622
- Sid, you're
being ridiculous...
419
00:20:04,623 --> 00:20:06,416
Are you crying?
420
00:20:07,125 --> 00:20:09,419
Don't cry. You know I can't
handle it when you cry...
421
00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:11,337
Oh, good.
422
00:20:11,338 --> 00:20:13,006
So this is what
I've signed up for.
423
00:20:13,882 --> 00:20:15,482
You can hug him if you want.
- Thank you.
424
00:20:16,343 --> 00:20:18,135
I'm
so sorry, man!
425
00:20:18,136 --> 00:20:19,261
I forgive you, man.
426
00:20:19,262 --> 00:20:21,972
- Get in here,
Parker! Get in here.
427
00:20:21,973 --> 00:20:24,141
- That was so crazy...
- Not you!
428
00:20:24,142 --> 00:20:26,394
- Oh, not there
yet. Got it. Yeah.
429
00:20:29,272 --> 00:20:31,357
Parker. I'm sorry, too.
430
00:20:32,484 --> 00:20:35,820
- I think the real reason that
I was so crazy tonight is, um...
431
00:20:38,865 --> 00:20:41,326
I guess I just, um...
432
00:20:44,079 --> 00:20:46,039
I want what's best for Jesse.
433
00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:50,334
And I think what's
best for Jesse is...
434
00:20:50,335 --> 00:20:51,586
you.
435
00:20:53,964 --> 00:20:56,924
- Thank you. Guess
you're just a...
436
00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:59,010
terrifyingly protective
friend.
437
00:21:02,222 --> 00:21:04,807
Okay. I'm gonna head out.
438
00:21:04,808 --> 00:21:06,810
Gotta drop off my mom's meds.
439
00:21:07,978 --> 00:21:10,104
Then I'm gonna...
440
00:21:10,105 --> 00:21:12,606
hit the docks and make
sure none of my lieutenants
441
00:21:12,607 --> 00:21:14,526
are skimming off the top.
442
00:21:16,027 --> 00:21:18,445
- See you soon.
- Bye, Parker.
443
00:21:19,447 --> 00:21:23,117
♪ No Rain by Rolipso
& Brenzy playing ♪
444
00:21:23,118 --> 00:21:26,704
- This is by far one of the
weirdest parties I've ever been to.
445
00:21:26,705 --> 00:21:29,498
And I've been to an
adult man's bris.
446
00:21:29,499 --> 00:21:30,542
It was mine.
447
00:21:34,337 --> 00:21:35,754
You okay?
448
00:21:35,755 --> 00:21:37,798
- Yeah, I-I'm fine. I was...
449
00:21:37,799 --> 00:21:40,802
looking for something
tonight, but it's gone.
450
00:21:41,678 --> 00:21:43,345
- Hm. Funny.
451
00:21:43,346 --> 00:21:45,264
♪ But it's not sane ♪
452
00:21:45,265 --> 00:21:48,017
I feel like tonight I found
exactly what I was looking for.
453
00:21:48,018 --> 00:21:50,102
♪ It's not sane ♪
454
00:21:50,103 --> 00:21:51,354
- Hey.
455
00:21:52,188 --> 00:21:54,441
So I haven't been much
help packing tonight.
456
00:21:55,358 --> 00:21:56,609
Hit me with a box.
457
00:21:56,610 --> 00:21:58,861
- I don't know why you did what you
did, but that's not what a friend does.
458
00:22:04,242 --> 00:22:07,786
Okay, fine.
It's a hurricane.
459
00:22:07,787 --> 00:22:10,456
♪ I don't understand ♪
460
00:22:10,457 --> 00:22:14,418
♪ Why I sleep all day ♪
461
00:22:14,419 --> 00:22:17,588
♪ And I start to complain ♪
462
00:22:17,589 --> 00:22:20,717
♪ That there's no rain ♪
463
00:22:22,636 --> 00:22:25,346
♪ All I can do ♪
464
00:22:25,347 --> 00:22:28,850
♪ Is read a book to stay awake ♪
465
00:22:29,434 --> 00:22:32,353
♪ And it rips my life away ♪
466
00:22:32,354 --> 00:22:35,565
♪ But it's a great escape ♪
467
00:22:37,150 --> 00:22:40,028
♪ Escape ♪
36207
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