Original subtitles

Previously on How I Met Your Father...

- Wonderful news.

It's lost and found day!

- Snip and Save: A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts.

- Oh, actually, that's mine. - This lame-ass book is all mine...

This receipt has a love song written on it. About Sophie.

- Yes, I still have feelings for Sophie.

- So what are you gonna do?

- I mean, it was a complete disaster the first time around.

It would probably be a disaster again, and I just need to move on.

♪ And I'm making it a habit ♪

♪ Reaching out to you ♪

Wait! Wait for me!

♪ Actin' like a fool... ♪

♪ upbeat theme playing ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

- You know, kiddo, life isn't always blue skies and sunshine.

Sometimes, things can get stormy.

Oh, I get it. You're doing a metaphor

about trouble brewing with your friends, right?

- Ugh! No!

I'm talking about an actual storm. A hurricane.

- Hurricane Marcy is headed north,

and it's gonna be a doozy!

I'm Sandy Rivers, recently demoted to weekend weatherman

as a result of my record-setting

47 still unproven allegations.

Thanks a lot, Ronan Farrow.

- Okay, how long do hurricanes last? 'Cause Hannah's moving back Monday,

and my boo does not like flying through turbulence.

- Wow. What a unique woman you married.

- How does she feel about war?

- Okay, Hannah will be fine.

You see, weather warnings are just hype to scare you into buying supplies.

Big Umbrella is real.

- Hey! Hey, hey, guess what? Good news.

Your number-one boy just found a new place to live!

- I asked Jesse to move in with me. - Ha, ha!

Wow! ELLEN: Wow!

That is so great, and not shockingly fast at all.

- I know, I know. It's a little crazy,

but the loft I'm renting is way too expensive for just me.

- Yeah, and the only place that I could afford was an illegal 12th-floor walkup,

and the stairs would've been great for my butt...

- Your butt is perfect! - Oh!

- Agree to disagree.

- I think it's great!

Best wishes to you and yours.

- Um, thank you, Sophie.

So, I was thinking maybe we could have a little hang

at our place later to celebrate my last night.

- What do you mean "last night"? You're moving out tomorrow?

- Yeah. We're excited. Why wait?

I guess. I mean, Parker's great, but can she...

open a beer bottle with another beer bottle?

Excuse me. I need new pants.

- Well, I'll be there.

May this season of your lives bring you peace and joy.

- Uh, cool.

Can we talk for a second, weirdo?

You're still into Jesse. - What?

No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

You're talking like a Hallmark card,

and you only do that when you're emotionally devastated.

- One Shamrock Shake, please. - Sorry, machine's broken.

- Wishing you the luck of the Irish on this blessed St. Patrick's Day.

Fine! I'm still into Jesse.

Everything about him. His eyes and his smile and his...

unreasonably loud voice.

- Soph, you need to tell him how you feel. Soon.

Before he gets in too deep with this Parker girl.

- He is already in too deep. They're moving in together!

Soon, they're gonna be peeing in front of each other

and showering in front of each other

and peeing in the shower in front of each other!

- Is that what you think relationships are?

- Look. He's... happy,

and I need to be supportive.

In fact, I'm gonna be the most goddamn supportive person

you've ever seen in your life.

I'm gonna be like the human version of a jockstrap.

J-J-Just keeping Jesse... supported.

- Ew.

Val really believed that we belonged together.

She just needed to show me that he felt the same way I did.

- Where the hell are those lyrics?

- Didn't see a lot of rain out there. You know what I did see?

A lot of umbrellas. And ponchos.

The conspiracy is real, guys.

- I thought this was a party. Where's the music?

The passed apps? A bouquet of balloons that lets me know,

"Okay, I'm gonna have a good time tonight"?

- Hey, guys!

- Oh, this isn't a moving-out party.

It's a help-you-pack trap!

- That's right, suckers! And you fell right into it! Ha, ha!

- It was Jesse's idea, I swear. I bought beer.

And ordered pizza. And said we should hire movers.

Please like me.

- Jesse? Why'd you pack our crêpe maker?

- Uh, didn't you give me that for my birthday?

- Yeah, for us to make crêpes together.

Like, we were gonna call ourselves the Nutella Fellas.

Well, we'll bust it out when we have you over for brunch.

- Yeah, I spent a summer apprenticing at a crêperie in Montreal,

and what we made was tres delicieuse.

- That means three delicious-es.

- Does it? - No, that can't be right.

- Check it out.

Human jockstrap going in.

Hey, girl! Hey. I just wanted to say

that I'm so excited for you and Jesse.

What a milestone. Can I hug you? Yeah, I'm gonna hug you.

Aw! Thanks.

I am so lucky that Jesse has such great friends.

All mine are still back in Nevada.

- Oh, yeah? Well, moving here mid-school year must have been tough.

- It was. Yeah, but I just needed to get out of there.

- Really? How come?

- Oh, it's a long story.

I don't really wanna get into it.

- That was weird, right? - You hugging her? Extremely.

- No. What gym teacher leaves her job mid-school year

and moves across the country, and "doesn't wanna get into it"?

Like, who was even asking?

- You were! - Bingo! Something's off.

- Good God, how many chinos can one man own?

Hey, guys! ELLEN: Hey.

- So, that lost and found night we had a while back.

That was pretty fun, wasn't it?

- Sure.

It was aight. Why do you ask?

- You didn't happen to take anything that night, did you?

Something that wasn't yours...

- No. - Of course not!

No, the only thing that Ellen and I steal

is ourselves to take on life's big challenges.

- Mm-hmm! Okay, bye.

- Well, if you happen to remember anything else...

you have my number.

- Sure thing, Detective Nerd.

Someone send Valentina back to the kitchen

'cause she got burned.

Oh, pizza's here!

No need to chip in for tip. It is also on me.

Remember! Like me!

- Sid.

Check out the name on this credit card.

Timothy Mansfield?

That's not her name. That's a boy's name.

You gotta admit, that is sketchy as hell.

- It is indeed.

Looks like Lady Parker just became Shady Parker.

- So, who do you think Timothy Mansfield is?

- She must be some sort of a con woman.

- Oh, my God, yes. Like in those articles

that become podcasts that become limited series.

That become podcasts that recap the limited series!

- Exactly! This is what she does.

She seduces a guy, moves in with him,

butters up his friends with pizza, and then...

- She strangles them?

- No! That was a real pepperoni.

No. She takes them for everything they have,

flees to the next city, does it again.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

- Like evil shampoo.

Poor Jesse. He's just so sweet and trusting.

Oh God, she already has him eating outta the palm of her hand. Look.

Mm!

Just when I thought pistachios couldn't taste any better!

- We have to tell him. - No! Not yet, Sophie.

He'll never believe us. We need more hard evidence.

- Let's go through her purse. Oh, I bet it's chock full of secrets.

- Ooh, that is good. But

But how do we get it without her noticing?

- We do the old distract and extract.

I literally just came up with that.

- Well, may I just confess I am impressed?

- Mine was better. - I know.

Hey, girl.

- I mean...

what up, my sister from a different mister?

- Uh, you know, my zipper is stuck, and I really need to pee.

Can you come into the bathroom and help me?

- Can't I just unzip it here?

- Don't make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Walk.

Val, I can't find the caterpillar you asked me to save.

Hopefully, she became a butterfly, and...

There was no caterpillar, was there?

- I know you two took it.

- Okay, fine! I took it!

- We're dirty thieves. - But it was for everyone's own good.

Do you really want this out in the world,

destroying people's lives?

- Just. Go. Get. It.

- Fine! But! Don't! Clap! At! Me!

- Well... good. Luck. Out. There.

- You ready? I'll distract. You extract.

Whoa! Parker! Strong much?

- Oh! Yeah.

Yeah, I used to be a competitive arm wrestler.

- That's so crazy!

I used to arm wrestle, too!

You did? SOPHIE: Yeah.

Used to be a member of the...

Women's Arm Wrestling of New England.

You know... WAWONE?

- Well, what was your move? Top roller, flop, press, hook?

- Yeah. All of 'em.

You wanna tangle?

Alright. Hoo! It's on!

It's on! - Okay. Okay.

- Um, what's going on?

- Uh, nothing. Just...

two alpha females vying for supremacy via arm wrestling.

- Prepare for the challenge of... - Three, two, one, wrestle!

- Oh! I'm so sorry. I have a Tide stick in my purse...

- No need! I want a rematch.

Yeah. I just wasn't ready yet. Oh!

'Cause in WAWONE, we say, uh, we say, "Three, two, one, wrestle now!"

Okay... Yeah. SOPHIE: Yeah.

Three, two, one... wrestle now!

- Is Sophie mouthing,

"I think I can, I think I can"?

- Yeah, it's her favorite book.

- Anything? - Um, more like everything.

Three bottles of prescription painkillers in someone else's name.

Timothy Mansfield?

- Nope. Another name. Rachel Whitmore.

- She seduces women, too?

Oh, my God.

She's a hot con woman who swings both ways.

This is totally article-turned-podcast turned-limited-series material.

- Mm-hmm.

Why do you think Parker's got all these pills?

- She's probably a drug dealer.

- Or she's a drug lord.

- What's the difference? - A drug lord is a dealer

who works really hard and gets promoted.

- Whoa.

- I think we have enough to bring to Jesse.

- No, no, no! No, we need more proof.

Something that makes our case against her rock solid.

- We could run a background check on her.

- You can't just run a background check on someone!

They have to agree to it.

You know, like when you're applying for a job.

Or auditioning for Naked and Afraid.

What's up, Naked and Afraid? My name is Sid. I'm 5'11".

I am not scared of mosquitoes. No problem whatsoever...

- What the hell are you doing? You don't have to be naked for the audition!

- I told you to stay in your room! - Fine! Fine!

- Oh, my God, Sid... - I know! I got robbed!

- No! Not that. No. We know the guy who hired her.

- Hi, Sophie! Thanks for the invite.

I love a packing party. I brought my label maker.

Ooh.

- Drew? What are you doing here?

- Uh, Sophie invited me.

- Oh. Uh...

Cool. Well, hey, listen, it's so nice of you

to drop everything you were doing to come help a colleague pack.

- Come on, man. I don't see you as a colleague.

You're my employee. Ooh.

Sweet, 'za.

Eh, tell me you got-a the pepperoni!

I studied abroad in Italy.

- What? He's my friend.

- Gah! - Hey.

Hi, guys. SOPHIE: So, um...

Parker's pretty great, huh?

- Oh, P-Kitty? Yeah, she's the best.

I call her that 'cause one time in the teacher's lounge,

she fell asleep in a sunbeam.

Aw.

So what was the hiring process like?

Interview? Background check?

- Oh, great interview. I asked her to describe herself in three words,

and she said, "really bad at counting."

It's four words.

- Got it. She's a riot.

- Yeah.

- So did you ever talk to anyone who worked with her before?

- Um, didn't have to.

Yeah, I got a glowing letter from the principal at her last school.

- What school was that? - Um...

Washington Middle School in Reno. Why?

- Oh, I like to know, um,

all my friends' employment history. What was your first job?

- Panera Bread. But "job" isn't the word for it.

We were really more like a family.

- Hurri-cane? More like hurri-tame.

Oh, damn it, no. Pretend I said "hurri-lame." Hurri-lame! Damn it.

- Did you get it?

This is Jesse's lame self-haircut book.

- And I'm so sorry I took it.

I remember the moment you pulled it out of the lost and found box

like it was yesterday.

- Snip and Save: A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts.

- Oh, actually, that's mine.

I thought everyone was going to say what I was thinking.

That this was the most badass book of all time. But then...

Wow. That is so sad.

I didn't wanna be the odd one out,

so I piled on with one of my classic Ellen burns.

Sweetie, we get it. Do you need to borrow money?

But the truth was, I always dreamt of doing my own hair.

So, later that night, I made my move.

Luckily, your girl Ellie is smooth as jelly.

I gotta go.

I'm beat. Oh. Oh, my...

I got home and got to cutting.

They say the first cut is the deepest,

but, in my case...

it was the dumbest.

- It's okay, darling. It's alright. It's okay. I can fix this.

Um...

Okay...

- So earlier, when you said what you stole could hurt a lot of people, you meant...

- Destroy their 'dos! Maim their manes!

Turn their haircuts into scare cuts!

- But what's the big deal? Your hair grew back fine.

- Did it, Valentina? Did it!?

Ah!

Wait, so you've been wearing that...

- Since lost and found night!

And if you were wondering if it itches, it does!

- Uh, well, uh,

sorry for the confusion.

The wig looks great, though. I never suspected a thing.

Wait.

What was she looking for?

- Doesn't matter. What matters is that she couldn't even tell, okay?

Which is exactly what Raffa at the wig shop said would happen.

Oh.

- Okay. I'm gonna call the middle school and prove that Parker never worked there,

and you are gonna soak up every detail for the Netflix pitch.

- What? We're going to Netflix?

Sophie, we'll get lost in a sea of content.

- Do you think that Sarah Paulson would play me?

'Cause I feel like she would just nail my layered innocence.

- Shh. It's ringing. - Mm.

This is Principal Harris. SOPHIE Good afternoon, Principal.

I was calling to get a recommendation for a teacher

that worked for you. Parker James?

- I actually don't recognize the name.

- Ha! Case closed! Yes!

We're not gonna mention that during the Netflix pitch.

- Mm-hmm.

- You almost got away with it, Parker!

- Or should we say Drug Lord...

Parker?

- Jesse and Parker are in Jesse's room. Do you want me to go get them?

- Yes!

Please.

Thank you!

- Hey. What's going on?

- Jesse, we hate to break it to you,

but your friend here isn't who she says she is.

- Parker James...

is a con artist.

- We'd like to tell you a little story about a girl named Parker.

She rolls into town.

She fakes her way into a wholesome job.

She finds herself a sweet, gullible dope

and takes him for all he's worth.

- And she also does...

- the drug stuff. - Oh, we're talking lord level.

- Jesse, that's not true. I... - Of course. it's not true.

This is what I get for not hiring movers.

- If it's not true, then why does Parker have a credit card

belonging to someone named Timothy Mansfield?

- Yeah, and Rachel Whitmore's prescription pills?

- I'm digging this 'cause it's really taking the heat off my wig situation.

- Oh yeah. Oh, you are sliding a bit.

- Oh, my God, did I hire a criminal?

Was I blinded by comedy gold?

Really bad at counting.

- Drew, Parker didn't even work at Washington Middle School!

- Yes, I did! - Oh, you wanna do this the hard way?

Fine.

This Principal Harris. SOPHIE Hi, Principal.

This is Sophie. I called before about Parker James.

- Yes, I remember. You yelled "case closed" and hung up on me.

I was going to say that I didn't recognize Parker's name

because I just started working here.

- Oh. Is that... so?

But I confirmed with faculty and students alike

that Ms. James was a phenomenal gym teacher.

You're breaking up! Uh, bye, now!

But what about the credit card? And the prescription pills?

And moving across the country for mysterious reasons?

- You don't need to answer. - No, no, it, it's fine.

The credit card belongs to my brother

and the pills belong to my mom.

- But they're all different last names.

- My mom kept her maiden name because she's a feminist.

My brother took his wife's name because he's also a feminist.

- The future is female!

- My mom's recovering from a really bad rock climbing accident.

- Or is she? - Sophie. Uh-uh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like she is.

- I have my brother's credit card because we split her medical bills.

- Parker dropped everything and moved here to take care of her mom.

- Is she gonna be okay?

- Yes. Yeah, the doctor said she had a one-in-a-million chance

to ever walk again. Well, guess what? She's the one.

- Hoo! Yeah. Netflix just reached out about buying her life rights.

- Sarah Paulson's interested.

The Sarah Paulson. It's cool.

It's very cool.

- I am so sorry, Parker. I...

I think I just had an insane reaction to Jesse moving out tomorrow,

and it's just that we've been roommates since... before we could drink.

And now, all we do is drink.

- Sid, you're being ridiculous...

Are you crying?

Don't cry. You know I can't handle it when you cry...

Oh, good.

So this is what I've signed up for.

You can hug him if you want. - Thank you.

I'm so sorry, man!

I forgive you, man.

- Get in here, Parker! Get in here.

- That was so crazy... - Not you!

- Oh, not there yet. Got it. Yeah.

Parker. I'm sorry, too.

- I think the real reason that I was so crazy tonight is, um...

I guess I just, um...

I want what's best for Jesse.

And I think what's best for Jesse is...

you.

- Thank you. Guess you're just a...

terrifyingly protective friend.

Okay. I'm gonna head out.

Gotta drop off my mom's meds.

Then I'm gonna...

hit the docks and make sure none of my lieutenants

are skimming off the top.

- See you soon. - Bye, Parker.

♪ No Rain by Rolipso & Brenzy playing ♪

- This is by far one of the weirdest parties I've ever been to.

And I've been to an adult man's bris.

It was mine.

You okay?

- Yeah, I-I'm fine. I was...

looking for something tonight, but it's gone.

- Hm. Funny.

♪ But it's not sane ♪

I feel like tonight I found exactly what I was looking for.

♪ It's not sane ♪

- Hey.

So I haven't been much help packing tonight.

Hit me with a box.

- I don't know why you did what you did, but that's not what a friend does.

Okay, fine. It's a hurricane.

♪ I don't understand ♪

♪ Why I sleep all day ♪

♪ And I start to complain ♪

♪ That there's no rain ♪

♪ All I can do ♪

♪ Is read a book to stay awake ♪

♪ And it rips my life away ♪

♪ But it's a great escape ♪

♪ Escape ♪