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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,211 --> 00:00:03,087 Previously on How I Met Your Father... 2 00:00:03,088 --> 00:00:04,838 - Wonderful news. 3 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:06,840 It's lost and found day! 4 00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:09,802 - Snip and Save: A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts. 5 00:00:09,803 --> 00:00:13,264 - Oh, actually, that's mine. - This lame-ass book is all mine... 6 00:00:13,265 --> 00:00:17,184 This receipt has a love song written on it. About Sophie. 7 00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:19,144 - Yes, I still have feelings for Sophie. 8 00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,187 - So what are you gonna do? 9 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,147 - I mean, it was a complete disaster the first time around. 10 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:25,609 It would probably be a disaster again, and I just need to move on. 11 00:00:27,612 --> 00:00:29,948 ♪ And I'm making it a habit ♪ 12 00:00:30,949 --> 00:00:33,994 ♪ Reaching out to you ♪ 13 00:00:34,953 --> 00:00:36,453 Wait! Wait for me! 14 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,872 ♪ Actin' like a fool... ♪ 15 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:42,918 ♪ upbeat theme playing ♪ 16 00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:46,797 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ 17 00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:50,302 ♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ 18 00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:56,975 - You know, kiddo, life isn't always blue skies and sunshine. 19 00:00:57,434 --> 00:00:59,768 Sometimes, things can get stormy. 20 00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:01,979 Oh, I get it. You're doing a metaphor 21 00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:04,857 about trouble brewing with your friends, right? 22 00:01:04,858 --> 00:01:06,859 - Ugh! No! 23 00:01:06,860 --> 00:01:10,071 I'm talking about an actual storm. A hurricane. 24 00:01:10,405 --> 00:01:12,615 - Hurricane Marcy is headed north, 25 00:01:12,616 --> 00:01:14,450 and it's gonna be a doozy! 26 00:01:14,451 --> 00:01:17,745 I'm Sandy Rivers, recently demoted to weekend weatherman 27 00:01:17,746 --> 00:01:19,747 as a result of my record-setting 28 00:01:19,748 --> 00:01:23,209 47 still unproven allegations. 29 00:01:24,211 --> 00:01:26,671 Thanks a lot, Ronan Farrow. 30 00:01:27,339 --> 00:01:30,591 - Okay, how long do hurricanes last? 'Cause Hannah's moving back Monday, 31 00:01:30,592 --> 00:01:32,593 and my boo does not like flying through turbulence. 32 00:01:32,594 --> 00:01:35,346 - Wow. What a unique woman you married. 33 00:01:36,306 --> 00:01:38,641 - How does she feel about war? 34 00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:41,769 - Okay, Hannah will be fine. 35 00:01:41,770 --> 00:01:45,607 You see, weather warnings are just hype to scare you into buying supplies. 36 00:01:46,024 --> 00:01:48,026 Big Umbrella is real. 37 00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:50,736 - Hey! Hey, hey, guess what? Good news. 38 00:01:50,737 --> 00:01:52,737 Your number-one boy just found a new place to live! 39 00:01:53,031 --> 00:01:54,615 - I asked Jesse to move in with me. - Ha, ha! 40 00:01:54,616 --> 00:01:57,201 Wow! ELLEN: Wow! 41 00:01:57,202 --> 00:02:00,871 That is so great, and not shockingly fast at all. 42 00:02:00,872 --> 00:02:03,123 - I know, I know. It's a little crazy, 43 00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:05,501 but the loft I'm renting is way too expensive for just me. 44 00:02:05,502 --> 00:02:08,546 - Yeah, and the only place that I could afford was an illegal 12th-floor walkup, 45 00:02:08,547 --> 00:02:10,339 and the stairs would've been great for my butt... 46 00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:11,799 - Your butt is perfect! - Oh! 47 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:12,884 - Agree to disagree. 48 00:02:14,344 --> 00:02:16,053 - I think it's great! 49 00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:18,306 Best wishes to you and yours. 50 00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:20,849 - Um, thank you, Sophie. 51 00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:22,851 So, I was thinking maybe we could have a little hang 52 00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:25,354 at our place later to celebrate my last night. 53 00:02:25,355 --> 00:02:27,565 - What do you mean "last night"? You're moving out tomorrow? 54 00:02:27,566 --> 00:02:30,276 - Yeah. We're excited. Why wait? 55 00:02:30,277 --> 00:02:33,445 I guess. I mean, Parker's great, but can she... 56 00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:36,240 open a beer bottle with another beer bottle? 57 00:02:40,412 --> 00:02:42,831 Excuse me. I need new pants. 58 00:02:43,707 --> 00:02:44,587 - Well, I'll be there. 59 00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:47,752 May this season of your lives bring you peace and joy. 60 00:02:48,169 --> 00:02:50,213 - Uh, cool. 61 00:02:50,630 --> 00:02:52,674 Can we talk for a second, weirdo? 62 00:02:57,012 --> 00:02:59,013 You're still into Jesse. - What? 63 00:02:59,014 --> 00:03:01,307 No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. 64 00:03:01,308 --> 00:03:02,808 You're talking like a Hallmark card, 65 00:03:02,809 --> 00:03:05,009 and you only do that when you're emotionally devastated. 66 00:03:05,937 --> 00:03:08,273 - One Shamrock Shake, please. - Sorry, machine's broken. 67 00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:13,028 - Wishing you the luck of the Irish on this blessed St. Patrick's Day. 68 00:03:13,486 --> 00:03:16,072 Fine! I'm still into Jesse. 69 00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:19,742 Everything about him. His eyes and his smile and his... 70 00:03:19,743 --> 00:03:22,078 unreasonably loud voice. 71 00:03:22,495 --> 00:03:25,331 - Soph, you need to tell him how you feel. Soon. 72 00:03:25,332 --> 00:03:27,333 Before he gets in too deep with this Parker girl. 73 00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:29,627 - He is already in too deep. They're moving in together! 74 00:03:29,628 --> 00:03:31,545 Soon, they're gonna be peeing in front of each other 75 00:03:31,546 --> 00:03:32,755 and showering in front of each other 76 00:03:32,756 --> 00:03:34,340 and peeing in the shower in front of each other! 77 00:03:34,341 --> 00:03:36,217 - Is that what you think relationships are? 78 00:03:36,218 --> 00:03:39,303 - Look. He's... happy, 79 00:03:39,304 --> 00:03:40,639 and I need to be supportive. 80 00:03:41,848 --> 00:03:45,100 In fact, I'm gonna be the most goddamn supportive person 81 00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:46,810 you've ever seen in your life. 82 00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:49,438 I'm gonna be like the human version of a jockstrap. 83 00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:52,734 J-J-Just keeping Jesse... supported. 84 00:03:54,694 --> 00:03:55,695 - Ew. 85 00:04:00,909 --> 00:04:03,535 Val really believed that we belonged together. 86 00:04:03,536 --> 00:04:06,915 She just needed to show me that he felt the same way I did. 87 00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:19,301 - Where the hell are those lyrics? 88 00:04:21,972 --> 00:04:24,765 - Didn't see a lot of rain out there. You know what I did see? 89 00:04:24,766 --> 00:04:27,476 A lot of umbrellas. And ponchos. 90 00:04:27,477 --> 00:04:29,187 The conspiracy is real, guys. 91 00:04:29,563 --> 00:04:32,523 - I thought this was a party. Where's the music? 92 00:04:32,524 --> 00:04:34,608 The passed apps? A bouquet of balloons that lets me know, 93 00:04:34,609 --> 00:04:36,443 "Okay, I'm gonna have a good time tonight"? 94 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,696 - Hey, guys! 95 00:04:39,489 --> 00:04:41,532 - Oh, this isn't a moving-out party. 96 00:04:41,533 --> 00:04:43,158 It's a help-you-pack trap! 97 00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:46,413 - That's right, suckers! And you fell right into it! Ha, ha! 98 00:04:46,830 --> 00:04:49,456 - It was Jesse's idea, I swear. I bought beer. 99 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:52,168 And ordered pizza. And said we should hire movers. 100 00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:53,712 Please like me. 101 00:04:54,713 --> 00:04:57,381 - Jesse? Why'd you pack our crêpe maker? 102 00:04:57,382 --> 00:04:59,300 - Uh, didn't you give me that for my birthday? 103 00:04:59,301 --> 00:05:01,218 - Yeah, for us to make crêpes together. 104 00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:03,762 Like, we were gonna call ourselves the Nutella Fellas. 105 00:05:03,763 --> 00:05:06,432 Well, we'll bust it out when we have you over for brunch. 106 00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:09,310 - Yeah, I spent a summer apprenticing at a crêperie in Montreal, 107 00:05:09,311 --> 00:05:12,104 and what we made was tres delicieuse. 108 00:05:12,105 --> 00:05:14,273 - That means three delicious-es. 109 00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:16,651 - Does it? - No, that can't be right. 110 00:05:17,152 --> 00:05:18,402 - Check it out. 111 00:05:18,403 --> 00:05:20,530 Human jockstrap going in. 112 00:05:23,241 --> 00:05:26,118 Hey, girl! Hey. I just wanted to say 113 00:05:26,119 --> 00:05:28,662 that I'm so excited for you and Jesse. 114 00:05:28,663 --> 00:05:31,665 What a milestone. Can I hug you? Yeah, I'm gonna hug you. 115 00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:34,084 Aw! Thanks. 116 00:05:34,085 --> 00:05:36,128 I am so lucky that Jesse has such great friends. 117 00:05:36,129 --> 00:05:38,005 All mine are still back in Nevada. 118 00:05:38,006 --> 00:05:41,550 - Oh, yeah? Well, moving here mid-school year must have been tough. 119 00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:44,345 - It was. Yeah, but I just needed to get out of there. 120 00:05:44,346 --> 00:05:46,472 - Really? How come? 121 00:05:46,473 --> 00:05:48,975 - Oh, it's a long story. 122 00:05:49,726 --> 00:05:51,311 I don't really wanna get into it. 123 00:05:56,191 --> 00:05:59,360 - That was weird, right? - You hugging her? Extremely. 124 00:05:59,361 --> 00:06:02,196 - No. What gym teacher leaves her job mid-school year 125 00:06:02,197 --> 00:06:05,366 and moves across the country, and "doesn't wanna get into it"? 126 00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:07,660 Like, who was even asking? 127 00:06:07,661 --> 00:06:10,705 - You were! - Bingo! Something's off. 128 00:06:12,457 --> 00:06:16,127 - Good God, how many chinos can one man own? 129 00:06:16,628 --> 00:06:18,462 Hey, guys! ELLEN: Hey. 130 00:06:18,463 --> 00:06:20,965 - So, that lost and found night we had a while back. 131 00:06:20,966 --> 00:06:22,634 That was pretty fun, wasn't it? 132 00:06:23,301 --> 00:06:24,301 - Sure. 133 00:06:24,302 --> 00:06:27,180 It was aight. Why do you ask? 134 00:06:27,764 --> 00:06:30,517 - You didn't happen to take anything that night, did you? 135 00:06:31,017 --> 00:06:33,645 Something that wasn't yours... 136 00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,855 - No. - Of course not! 137 00:06:36,856 --> 00:06:38,399 No, the only thing that Ellen and I steal 138 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,985 is ourselves to take on life's big challenges. 139 00:06:40,986 --> 00:06:42,362 - Mm-hmm! Okay, bye. 140 00:06:43,822 --> 00:06:47,075 - Well, if you happen to remember anything else... 141 00:06:48,368 --> 00:06:49,535 you have my number. 142 00:06:49,536 --> 00:06:51,829 - Sure thing, Detective Nerd. 143 00:06:51,830 --> 00:06:53,998 Someone send Valentina back to the kitchen 144 00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:56,041 'cause she got burned. 145 00:06:58,712 --> 00:07:01,338 Oh, pizza's here! 146 00:07:01,339 --> 00:07:04,633 No need to chip in for tip. It is also on me. 147 00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:06,136 Remember! Like me! 148 00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:13,685 - Sid. 149 00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:19,273 Check out the name on this credit card. 150 00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:21,317 Timothy Mansfield? 151 00:07:21,318 --> 00:07:24,403 That's not her name. That's a boy's name. 152 00:07:24,404 --> 00:07:26,238 You gotta admit, that is sketchy as hell. 153 00:07:26,239 --> 00:07:28,365 - It is indeed. 154 00:07:28,366 --> 00:07:32,078 Looks like Lady Parker just became Shady Parker. 155 00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:41,212 - So, who do you think Timothy Mansfield is? 156 00:07:42,339 --> 00:07:44,048 - She must be some sort of a con woman. 157 00:07:44,049 --> 00:07:46,008 - Oh, my God, yes. Like in those articles 158 00:07:46,009 --> 00:07:48,344 that become podcasts that become limited series. 159 00:07:48,345 --> 00:07:50,429 That become podcasts that recap the limited series! 160 00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:52,056 - Exactly! This is what she does. 161 00:07:52,057 --> 00:07:55,059 She seduces a guy, moves in with him, 162 00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:56,894 butters up his friends with pizza, and then... 163 00:07:58,605 --> 00:07:59,980 - She strangles them? 164 00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:01,942 - No! That was a real pepperoni. 165 00:08:03,068 --> 00:08:05,736 No. She takes them for everything they have, 166 00:08:05,737 --> 00:08:08,572 flees to the next city, does it again. 167 00:08:08,573 --> 00:08:09,865 Wash, rinse, repeat. 168 00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:12,369 - Like evil shampoo. 169 00:08:13,495 --> 00:08:17,415 Poor Jesse. He's just so sweet and trusting. 170 00:08:17,916 --> 00:08:21,419 Oh God, she already has him eating outta the palm of her hand. Look. 171 00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:23,546 Mm! 172 00:08:23,547 --> 00:08:26,215 Just when I thought pistachios couldn't taste any better! 173 00:08:28,093 --> 00:08:30,386 - We have to tell him. - No! Not yet, Sophie. 174 00:08:30,387 --> 00:08:32,847 He'll never believe us. We need more hard evidence. 175 00:08:33,265 --> 00:08:36,559 - Let's go through her purse. Oh, I bet it's chock full of secrets. 176 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,102 - Ooh, that is good. But 177 00:08:38,103 --> 00:08:39,979 But how do we get it without her noticing? 178 00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:42,690 - We do the old distract and extract. 179 00:08:42,691 --> 00:08:43,983 I literally just came up with that. 180 00:08:43,984 --> 00:08:47,278 - Well, may I just confess I am impressed? 181 00:08:47,279 --> 00:08:49,154 - Mine was better. - I know. 182 00:08:51,491 --> 00:08:53,367 Hey, girl. 183 00:08:53,368 --> 00:08:54,411 - I mean... 184 00:08:54,911 --> 00:08:58,080 what up, my sister from a different mister? 185 00:08:58,081 --> 00:09:01,834 - Uh, you know, my zipper is stuck, and I really need to pee. 186 00:09:01,835 --> 00:09:04,128 Can you come into the bathroom and help me? 187 00:09:04,129 --> 00:09:06,338 - Can't I just unzip it here? 188 00:09:06,339 --> 00:09:09,426 - Don't make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Walk. 189 00:09:11,428 --> 00:09:14,722 Val, I can't find the caterpillar you asked me to save. 190 00:09:14,723 --> 00:09:16,724 Hopefully, she became a butterfly, and... 191 00:09:17,517 --> 00:09:19,268 There was no caterpillar, was there? 192 00:09:19,269 --> 00:09:20,896 - I know you two took it. 193 00:09:21,855 --> 00:09:23,689 - Okay, fine! I took it! 194 00:09:23,690 --> 00:09:26,400 - We're dirty thieves. - But it was for everyone's own good. 195 00:09:26,401 --> 00:09:28,027 Do you really want this out in the world, 196 00:09:28,028 --> 00:09:29,528 destroying people's lives? 197 00:09:29,529 --> 00:09:31,363 - Just. Go. Get. It. 198 00:09:31,364 --> 00:09:33,366 - Fine! But! Don't! Clap! At! Me! 199 00:09:34,951 --> 00:09:36,953 - Well... good. Luck. Out. There. 200 00:09:45,128 --> 00:09:47,672 - You ready? I'll distract. You extract. 201 00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:52,718 Whoa! Parker! Strong much? 202 00:09:52,719 --> 00:09:54,428 - Oh! Yeah. 203 00:09:54,429 --> 00:09:56,264 Yeah, I used to be a competitive arm wrestler. 204 00:09:57,265 --> 00:09:59,266 - That's so crazy! 205 00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:01,227 I used to arm wrestle, too! 206 00:10:01,228 --> 00:10:02,728 You did? SOPHIE: Yeah. 207 00:10:02,729 --> 00:10:04,563 Used to be a member of the... 208 00:10:04,564 --> 00:10:07,191 Women's Arm Wrestling of New England. 209 00:10:07,192 --> 00:10:09,194 You know... WAWONE? 210 00:10:09,653 --> 00:10:12,821 - Well, what was your move? Top roller, flop, press, hook? 211 00:10:12,822 --> 00:10:15,157 - Yeah. All of 'em. 212 00:10:17,452 --> 00:10:18,411 You wanna tangle? 213 00:10:19,162 --> 00:10:22,289 Alright. Hoo! It's on! 214 00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:24,292 It's on! - Okay. Okay. 215 00:10:25,961 --> 00:10:27,546 - Um, what's going on? 216 00:10:27,963 --> 00:10:30,005 - Uh, nothing. Just... 217 00:10:30,006 --> 00:10:33,343 two alpha females vying for supremacy via arm wrestling. 218 00:10:34,719 --> 00:10:38,222 - Prepare for the challenge of... - Three, two, one, wrestle! 219 00:10:40,058 --> 00:10:41,684 - Oh! I'm so sorry. I have a Tide stick in my purse... 220 00:10:41,685 --> 00:10:43,811 - No need! I want a rematch. 221 00:10:43,812 --> 00:10:45,980 Yeah. I just wasn't ready yet. Oh! 222 00:10:45,981 --> 00:10:49,651 'Cause in WAWONE, we say, uh, we say, "Three, two, one, wrestle now!" 223 00:10:50,151 --> 00:10:51,652 Okay... Yeah. SOPHIE: Yeah. 224 00:10:51,653 --> 00:10:55,407 Three, two, one... wrestle now! 225 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:58,492 - Is Sophie mouthing, 226 00:10:58,493 --> 00:11:00,911 "I think I can, I think I can"? 227 00:11:03,415 --> 00:11:04,749 - Yeah, it's her favorite book. 228 00:11:12,173 --> 00:11:15,259 - Anything? - Um, more like everything. 229 00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:18,804 Three bottles of prescription painkillers in someone else's name. 230 00:11:18,805 --> 00:11:20,347 Timothy Mansfield? 231 00:11:20,348 --> 00:11:23,100 - Nope. Another name. Rachel Whitmore. 232 00:11:24,811 --> 00:11:25,978 - She seduces women, too? 233 00:11:25,979 --> 00:11:27,438 Oh, my God. 234 00:11:27,439 --> 00:11:30,399 She's a hot con woman who swings both ways. 235 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,278 This is totally article-turned-podcast turned-limited-series material. 236 00:11:34,279 --> 00:11:35,654 - Mm-hmm. 237 00:11:35,655 --> 00:11:37,907 Why do you think Parker's got all these pills? 238 00:11:37,908 --> 00:11:39,148 - She's probably a drug dealer. 239 00:11:40,035 --> 00:11:41,620 - Or she's a drug lord. 240 00:11:42,412 --> 00:11:45,623 - What's the difference? - A drug lord is a dealer 241 00:11:45,624 --> 00:11:48,001 who works really hard and gets promoted. 242 00:11:48,627 --> 00:11:49,668 - Whoa. 243 00:11:49,669 --> 00:11:51,462 - I think we have enough to bring to Jesse. 244 00:11:51,463 --> 00:11:53,505 - No, no, no! No, we need more proof. 245 00:11:53,506 --> 00:11:55,592 Something that makes our case against her rock solid. 246 00:11:56,551 --> 00:11:58,191 - We could run a background check on her. 247 00:11:59,012 --> 00:12:00,763 - You can't just run a background check on someone! 248 00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:02,056 They have to agree to it. 249 00:12:02,057 --> 00:12:04,141 You know, like when you're applying for a job. 250 00:12:04,142 --> 00:12:06,060 Or auditioning for Naked and Afraid. 251 00:12:06,061 --> 00:12:09,813 What's up, Naked and Afraid? My name is Sid. I'm 5'11". 252 00:12:09,814 --> 00:12:12,608 I am not scared of mosquitoes. No problem whatsoever... 253 00:12:12,609 --> 00:12:14,944 - What the hell are you doing? You don't have to be naked for the audition! 254 00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:17,404 - I told you to stay in your room! - Fine! Fine! 255 00:12:17,405 --> 00:12:20,449 - Oh, my God, Sid... - I know! I got robbed! 256 00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:24,079 - No! Not that. No. We know the guy who hired her. 257 00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:28,374 - Hi, Sophie! Thanks for the invite. 258 00:12:28,375 --> 00:12:30,918 I love a packing party. I brought my label maker. 259 00:12:30,919 --> 00:12:31,962 Ooh. 260 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,346 - Drew? What are you doing here? 261 00:12:42,347 --> 00:12:44,390 - Uh, Sophie invited me. 262 00:12:44,391 --> 00:12:46,642 - Oh. Uh... 263 00:12:46,643 --> 00:12:48,310 Cool. Well, hey, listen, it's so nice of you 264 00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:50,854 to drop everything you were doing to come help a colleague pack. 265 00:12:50,855 --> 00:12:53,148 - Come on, man. I don't see you as a colleague. 266 00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:55,192 You're my employee. Ooh. 267 00:12:55,193 --> 00:12:56,527 Sweet, 'za. 268 00:12:56,528 --> 00:12:59,530 Eh, tell me you got-a the pepperoni! 269 00:12:59,531 --> 00:13:01,408 I studied abroad in Italy. 270 00:13:04,786 --> 00:13:06,620 - What? He's my friend. 271 00:13:10,417 --> 00:13:12,251 - Gah! - Hey. 272 00:13:12,252 --> 00:13:13,587 Hi, guys. SOPHIE: So, um... 273 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,714 Parker's pretty great, huh? 274 00:13:16,715 --> 00:13:19,216 - Oh, P-Kitty? Yeah, she's the best. 275 00:13:19,217 --> 00:13:21,135 I call her that 'cause one time in the teacher's lounge, 276 00:13:21,136 --> 00:13:22,845 she fell asleep in a sunbeam. 277 00:13:22,846 --> 00:13:24,680 Aw. 278 00:13:24,681 --> 00:13:26,682 So what was the hiring process like? 279 00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:28,309 Interview? Background check? 280 00:13:28,310 --> 00:13:31,812 - Oh, great interview. I asked her to describe herself in three words, 281 00:13:31,813 --> 00:13:34,273 and she said, "really bad at counting." 282 00:13:36,526 --> 00:13:38,402 It's four words. 283 00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:40,696 - Got it. She's a riot. 284 00:13:40,697 --> 00:13:41,697 - Yeah. 285 00:13:41,698 --> 00:13:44,325 - So did you ever talk to anyone who worked with her before? 286 00:13:44,326 --> 00:13:46,452 - Um, didn't have to. 287 00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:49,038 Yeah, I got a glowing letter from the principal at her last school. 288 00:13:49,039 --> 00:13:50,957 - What school was that? - Um... 289 00:13:51,666 --> 00:13:54,335 Washington Middle School in Reno. Why? 290 00:13:54,336 --> 00:13:56,003 - Oh, I like to know, um, 291 00:13:56,004 --> 00:13:58,964 all my friends' employment history. What was your first job? 292 00:13:58,965 --> 00:14:01,675 - Panera Bread. But "job" isn't the word for it. 293 00:14:01,676 --> 00:14:03,637 We were really more like a family. 294 00:14:11,228 --> 00:14:14,271 - Hurri-cane? More like hurri-tame. 295 00:14:14,272 --> 00:14:17,233 Oh, damn it, no. Pretend I said "hurri-lame." Hurri-lame! Damn it. 296 00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:18,442 - Did you get it? 297 00:14:20,111 --> 00:14:22,279 This is Jesse's lame self-haircut book. 298 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,032 - And I'm so sorry I took it. 299 00:14:24,616 --> 00:14:26,867 I remember the moment you pulled it out of the lost and found box 300 00:14:26,868 --> 00:14:28,078 like it was yesterday. 301 00:14:28,954 --> 00:14:31,914 - Snip and Save: A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts. 302 00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:33,035 - Oh, actually, that's mine. 303 00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:36,001 I thought everyone was going to say what I was thinking. 304 00:14:36,002 --> 00:14:39,338 That this was the most badass book of all time. But then... 305 00:14:39,339 --> 00:14:41,507 Wow. That is so sad. 306 00:14:41,508 --> 00:14:43,092 I didn't wanna be the odd one out, 307 00:14:43,093 --> 00:14:45,761 so I piled on with one of my classic Ellen burns. 308 00:14:45,762 --> 00:14:47,973 Sweetie, we get it. Do you need to borrow money? 309 00:14:49,391 --> 00:14:52,351 But the truth was, I always dreamt of doing my own hair. 310 00:14:52,352 --> 00:14:55,104 So, later that night, I made my move. 311 00:14:55,105 --> 00:14:58,357 Luckily, your girl Ellie is smooth as jelly. 312 00:14:58,358 --> 00:15:00,193 I gotta go. 313 00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:03,613 I'm beat. Oh. Oh, my... 314 00:15:05,657 --> 00:15:07,783 I got home and got to cutting. 315 00:15:07,784 --> 00:15:10,411 They say the first cut is the deepest, 316 00:15:10,412 --> 00:15:11,913 but, in my case... 317 00:15:12,706 --> 00:15:14,331 it was the dumbest. 318 00:15:20,255 --> 00:15:23,674 - It's okay, darling. It's alright. It's okay. I can fix this. 319 00:15:23,675 --> 00:15:25,218 Um... 320 00:15:26,261 --> 00:15:26,969 Okay... 321 00:15:38,189 --> 00:15:42,151 - So earlier, when you said what you stole could hurt a lot of people, you meant... 322 00:15:42,152 --> 00:15:44,820 - Destroy their 'dos! Maim their manes! 323 00:15:44,821 --> 00:15:46,572 Turn their haircuts into scare cuts! 324 00:15:46,573 --> 00:15:49,283 - But what's the big deal? Your hair grew back fine. 325 00:15:49,284 --> 00:15:51,453 - Did it, Valentina? Did it!? 326 00:15:51,912 --> 00:15:53,913 Ah! 327 00:15:53,914 --> 00:15:56,874 Wait, so you've been wearing that... 328 00:15:56,875 --> 00:15:58,292 - Since lost and found night! 329 00:15:58,293 --> 00:16:00,836 And if you were wondering if it itches, it does! 330 00:16:00,837 --> 00:16:03,005 - Uh, well, uh, 331 00:16:03,006 --> 00:16:05,132 sorry for the confusion. 332 00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:08,969 The wig looks great, though. I never suspected a thing. 333 00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:11,222 Wait. 334 00:16:11,223 --> 00:16:12,557 What was she looking for? 335 00:16:13,099 --> 00:16:16,393 - Doesn't matter. What matters is that she couldn't even tell, okay? 336 00:16:16,394 --> 00:16:19,146 Which is exactly what Raffa at the wig shop said would happen. 337 00:16:19,147 --> 00:16:20,773 Oh. 338 00:16:20,774 --> 00:16:24,026 - Okay. I'm gonna call the middle school and prove that Parker never worked there, 339 00:16:24,027 --> 00:16:27,863 and you are gonna soak up every detail for the Netflix pitch. 340 00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:29,823 - What? We're going to Netflix? 341 00:16:29,824 --> 00:16:31,909 Sophie, we'll get lost in a sea of content. 342 00:16:31,910 --> 00:16:33,452 - Do you think that Sarah Paulson would play me? 343 00:16:33,453 --> 00:16:35,746 'Cause I feel like she would just nail my layered innocence. 344 00:16:35,747 --> 00:16:36,914 - Shh. It's ringing. - Mm. 345 00:16:39,292 --> 00:16:41,752 This is Principal Harris. SOPHIE Good afternoon, Principal. 346 00:16:41,753 --> 00:16:45,130 I was calling to get a recommendation for a teacher 347 00:16:45,131 --> 00:16:47,008 that worked for you. Parker James? 348 00:16:47,717 --> 00:16:49,718 - I actually don't recognize the name. 349 00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:51,470 - Ha! Case closed! Yes! 350 00:16:53,848 --> 00:16:56,183 We're not gonna mention that during the Netflix pitch. 351 00:16:56,184 --> 00:16:57,060 - Mm-hmm. 352 00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,521 - You almost got away with it, Parker! 353 00:17:00,522 --> 00:17:02,106 - Or should we say Drug Lord... 354 00:17:02,107 --> 00:17:04,650 Parker? 355 00:17:04,651 --> 00:17:07,444 - Jesse and Parker are in Jesse's room. Do you want me to go get them? 356 00:17:07,445 --> 00:17:08,862 - Yes! 357 00:17:08,863 --> 00:17:10,239 Please. 358 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,448 Thank you! 359 00:17:18,248 --> 00:17:19,665 - Hey. What's going on? 360 00:17:19,666 --> 00:17:22,209 - Jesse, we hate to break it to you, 361 00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:25,255 but your friend here isn't who she says she is. 362 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,674 - Parker James... 363 00:17:28,675 --> 00:17:30,135 is a con artist. 364 00:17:30,927 --> 00:17:33,512 - We'd like to tell you a little story about a girl named Parker. 365 00:17:33,513 --> 00:17:35,222 She rolls into town. 366 00:17:35,223 --> 00:17:37,975 She fakes her way into a wholesome job. 367 00:17:37,976 --> 00:17:40,978 She finds herself a sweet, gullible dope 368 00:17:40,979 --> 00:17:42,855 and takes him for all he's worth. 369 00:17:42,856 --> 00:17:45,691 - And she also does... 370 00:17:45,692 --> 00:17:49,069 - the drug stuff. - Oh, we're talking lord level. 371 00:17:49,070 --> 00:17:52,323 - Jesse, that's not true. I... - Of course. it's not true. 372 00:17:52,324 --> 00:17:55,034 This is what I get for not hiring movers. 373 00:17:55,035 --> 00:17:58,245 - If it's not true, then why does Parker have a credit card 374 00:17:58,246 --> 00:18:00,915 belonging to someone named Timothy Mansfield? 375 00:18:00,916 --> 00:18:04,251 - Yeah, and Rachel Whitmore's prescription pills? 376 00:18:04,252 --> 00:18:07,421 - I'm digging this 'cause it's really taking the heat off my wig situation. 377 00:18:07,422 --> 00:18:09,883 - Oh yeah. Oh, you are sliding a bit. 378 00:18:10,759 --> 00:18:13,093 - Oh, my God, did I hire a criminal? 379 00:18:13,094 --> 00:18:15,846 Was I blinded by comedy gold? 380 00:18:15,847 --> 00:18:17,557 Really bad at counting. 381 00:18:18,558 --> 00:18:21,310 - Drew, Parker didn't even work at Washington Middle School! 382 00:18:21,311 --> 00:18:24,104 - Yes, I did! - Oh, you wanna do this the hard way? 383 00:18:24,105 --> 00:18:25,148 Fine. 384 00:18:28,985 --> 00:18:31,070 This Principal Harris. SOPHIE Hi, Principal. 385 00:18:31,071 --> 00:18:34,073 This is Sophie. I called before about Parker James. 386 00:18:34,074 --> 00:18:37,160 - Yes, I remember. You yelled "case closed" and hung up on me. 387 00:18:37,869 --> 00:18:40,287 I was going to say that I didn't recognize Parker's name 388 00:18:40,288 --> 00:18:41,830 because I just started working here. 389 00:18:41,831 --> 00:18:44,750 - Oh. Is that... so? 390 00:18:44,751 --> 00:18:47,545 But I confirmed with faculty and students alike 391 00:18:47,546 --> 00:18:49,588 that Ms. James was a phenomenal gym teacher. 392 00:18:49,589 --> 00:18:52,175 You're breaking up! Uh, bye, now! 393 00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:57,054 But what about the credit card? And the prescription pills? 394 00:18:57,055 --> 00:18:59,974 And moving across the country for mysterious reasons? 395 00:18:59,975 --> 00:19:02,227 - You don't need to answer. - No, no, it, it's fine. 396 00:19:02,686 --> 00:19:04,729 The credit card belongs to my brother 397 00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:07,523 and the pills belong to my mom. 398 00:19:07,524 --> 00:19:09,316 - But they're all different last names. 399 00:19:09,317 --> 00:19:12,236 - My mom kept her maiden name because she's a feminist. 400 00:19:12,237 --> 00:19:15,322 My brother took his wife's name because he's also a feminist. 401 00:19:15,323 --> 00:19:17,158 - The future is female! 402 00:19:18,034 --> 00:19:21,078 - My mom's recovering from a really bad rock climbing accident. 403 00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:23,497 - Or is she? - Sophie. Uh-uh. 404 00:19:23,498 --> 00:19:26,001 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like she is. 405 00:19:26,918 --> 00:19:29,753 - I have my brother's credit card because we split her medical bills. 406 00:19:32,632 --> 00:19:35,384 - Parker dropped everything and moved here to take care of her mom. 407 00:19:35,385 --> 00:19:37,052 - Is she gonna be okay? 408 00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:40,180 - Yes. Yeah, the doctor said she had a one-in-a-million chance 409 00:19:40,181 --> 00:19:42,558 to ever walk again. Well, guess what? She's the one. 410 00:19:42,559 --> 00:19:45,060 - Hoo! Yeah. Netflix just reached out about buying her life rights. 411 00:19:45,061 --> 00:19:46,270 - Sarah Paulson's interested. 412 00:19:46,271 --> 00:19:48,522 The Sarah Paulson. It's cool. 413 00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:49,941 It's very cool. 414 00:19:50,942 --> 00:19:52,777 - I am so sorry, Parker. I... 415 00:19:54,404 --> 00:19:57,323 I think I just had an insane reaction to Jesse moving out tomorrow, 416 00:19:57,324 --> 00:20:00,451 and it's just that we've been roommates since... before we could drink. 417 00:20:00,452 --> 00:20:03,203 And now, all we do is drink. 418 00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:04,622 - Sid, you're being ridiculous... 419 00:20:04,623 --> 00:20:06,416 Are you crying? 420 00:20:07,125 --> 00:20:09,419 Don't cry. You know I can't handle it when you cry... 421 00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:11,337 Oh, good. 422 00:20:11,338 --> 00:20:13,006 So this is what I've signed up for. 423 00:20:13,882 --> 00:20:15,482 You can hug him if you want. - Thank you. 424 00:20:16,343 --> 00:20:18,135 I'm so sorry, man! 425 00:20:18,136 --> 00:20:19,261 I forgive you, man. 426 00:20:19,262 --> 00:20:21,972 - Get in here, Parker! Get in here. 427 00:20:21,973 --> 00:20:24,141 - That was so crazy... - Not you! 428 00:20:24,142 --> 00:20:26,394 - Oh, not there yet. Got it. Yeah. 429 00:20:29,272 --> 00:20:31,357 Parker. I'm sorry, too. 430 00:20:32,484 --> 00:20:35,820 - I think the real reason that I was so crazy tonight is, um... 431 00:20:38,865 --> 00:20:41,326 I guess I just, um... 432 00:20:44,079 --> 00:20:46,039 I want what's best for Jesse. 433 00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:50,334 And I think what's best for Jesse is... 434 00:20:50,335 --> 00:20:51,586 you. 435 00:20:53,964 --> 00:20:56,924 - Thank you. Guess you're just a... 436 00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:59,010 terrifyingly protective friend. 437 00:21:02,222 --> 00:21:04,807 Okay. I'm gonna head out. 438 00:21:04,808 --> 00:21:06,810 Gotta drop off my mom's meds. 439 00:21:07,978 --> 00:21:10,104 Then I'm gonna... 440 00:21:10,105 --> 00:21:12,606 hit the docks and make sure none of my lieutenants 441 00:21:12,607 --> 00:21:14,526 are skimming off the top. 442 00:21:16,027 --> 00:21:18,445 - See you soon. - Bye, Parker. 443 00:21:19,447 --> 00:21:23,117 ♪ No Rain by Rolipso & Brenzy playing ♪ 444 00:21:23,118 --> 00:21:26,704 - This is by far one of the weirdest parties I've ever been to. 445 00:21:26,705 --> 00:21:29,498 And I've been to an adult man's bris. 446 00:21:29,499 --> 00:21:30,542 It was mine. 447 00:21:34,337 --> 00:21:35,754 You okay? 448 00:21:35,755 --> 00:21:37,798 - Yeah, I-I'm fine. I was... 449 00:21:37,799 --> 00:21:40,802 looking for something tonight, but it's gone. 450 00:21:41,678 --> 00:21:43,345 - Hm. Funny. 451 00:21:43,346 --> 00:21:45,264 ♪ But it's not sane ♪ 452 00:21:45,265 --> 00:21:48,017 I feel like tonight I found exactly what I was looking for. 453 00:21:48,018 --> 00:21:50,102 ♪ It's not sane ♪ 454 00:21:50,103 --> 00:21:51,354 - Hey. 455 00:21:52,188 --> 00:21:54,441 So I haven't been much help packing tonight. 456 00:21:55,358 --> 00:21:56,609 Hit me with a box. 457 00:21:56,610 --> 00:21:58,861 - I don't know why you did what you did, but that's not what a friend does. 458 00:22:04,242 --> 00:22:07,786 Okay, fine. It's a hurricane. 459 00:22:07,787 --> 00:22:10,456 ♪ I don't understand ♪ 460 00:22:10,457 --> 00:22:14,418 ♪ Why I sleep all day ♪ 461 00:22:14,419 --> 00:22:17,588 ♪ And I start to complain ♪ 462 00:22:17,589 --> 00:22:20,717 ♪ That there's no rain ♪ 463 00:22:22,636 --> 00:22:25,346 ♪ All I can do ♪ 464 00:22:25,347 --> 00:22:28,850 ♪ Is read a book to stay awake ♪ 465 00:22:29,434 --> 00:22:32,353 ♪ And it rips my life away ♪ 466 00:22:32,354 --> 00:22:35,565 ♪ But it's a great escape ♪ 467 00:22:37,150 --> 00:22:40,028 ♪ Escape ♪ 36207

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