Original subtitles

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

Okay, I have a brilliant plan

that I would like to brag to you all about.

Tonight,

I will be reintroducing my parents

and performing a parent trap!

Wait, you're trying to get Rocker Mom with Hot Dog Dad?

Yeah. I think that they'd be really good together.

She's the chili powder, he's a jar of mayo,

and together, they're like a...

- An aioli. Tight! - Yes!

Soph, take it from Jesse and me.

You know, parent traps are fun to watch when Lindsay Lohans do them,

but, in reality, they only end in pain.

- Nobody's gonna know. - How would they know?

They knew.

Well, uh, your plan didn't work because you guys were dumb babies.

But my plan is foolproof

because I got us a sexy dinner rez,

and I requested a hot but forgettable waiter.

You know, just to add, like, an air of nondescript lust to the evening.

Also, I got a harpist on Yelp whose name is Harper. I know!

And finally, I'll be bringing Val for moral support.

You are? Oh, yes!

Finally, I'm getting a free parent dinner from this friendship.

I'll be all, "No, no, no. I'll pay for mine."

And they'll be all, "No, it's our pleasure."

And I'll be all, " Oh, my God, thank you."

And while you're feasting on free calamari,

my parents will be falling for each other.

And then, we'll finally get to do everything

on my "I finally have a family" bucket list. Like...

Like apple picking, and three-seat bicycle riding, and...

Oh, my God, family portraits at JCPenney.

I've already been practicing my pose.

♪ Putting up a sheet wall, wall ♪

♪ Wall, I hope it doesn't fall, fall, fall... ♪

I wish I was dead!

Sid. What are you doing here?

I can't do my Ariana Grande impression for you right now.

Okay, fine.

Yuhhh.

Wow. I mean, it's really like she's in the room.

But uh...

I'm not here for that. - Oh? What's up?

Uh, well, nothing. Just, um...

- Uh... - Sid!

Do you wanna confide in me about something that's been weighing on you?

That's cute as hell!

Okay, fine. It's Jesse.

Like, I need him to move out, and he just doesn't get it.

♪ It's just... a little brush! ♪

- Mm, hey, um. - Yeah?

So, Hannah's moving back to New York in a couple of weeks,

and we should really talk about living arrangements.

Oh. Um...

Okay, but won't she just sleep in your room?

I know what you're thinking. I need to be direct.

Actually...

direct doesn't always work either.

Charlie? I'm an independent woman,

and I wanna live by myself.

A fun improv game! Okay, I'm in.

I am a left-leaning firefighter.

I have a medium income,

and I want to live in an underwater castle.

Wait, you're trying to ditch Charlie, too?

I'm pulling in six figures, girl!

I can't be sleeping behind a sheet wall!

- Well, I thought that was Charlie's bed. - We rotate.

- Dark. - I know.

But, I can't bear to break Charlie's little heart.

He's just a boy, after all.

I know! And Jesse can't be by himself!

I have to Heimlich the dude twice a week!

Wait a second.

Parents aren't the only people who can be trapped.

What if we roommate trap Charlie and Jesse?

Convince those sweet idiots that they wanna live with each other,

and that it's their idea?

Color me intrigued. But how?

Color Me Mine!

Oh, no, no, no. Not a good look on Jesse.

These are not what the colors looked like wet!

Now it just looks silly!

They put him on a "No Paint" list.

Okay, okay, okay. Think.

How do we get two grown men to bond?

Sleepover!

Hi.

I'll be your server tonight. - Absolutely not.

Distractingly hot.

I asked for hot, but forgettable.

- Got it. I'll go grab Greg. - Wait, wait, wait.

Call me! Bye...

Oh God.

I am so nervous.

What if my dad is awkward?

How am I gonna make him comfortable?

Do you know any songs about the Mets?

I went to Juilliard.

Uh, Soph?

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Huh?

Oh, my God. Let's do our calming mantra. - I got you.

Calming mantra... Calming mantra... Calming mantra?

ZZ Top?

What are you doing next to

Lumineers, comma, The?

Hey, uh,

is it cool if I crash here this evening?

Ellen claims she's having something called a "super-period," and, um...

I didn't want to ask any questions.

She told me.

Felt like an unnecessary phone call,

but also a cool one because he for she.

Anyway, uh, Sid's working late tonight, so it's just the two of us.

I'm gonna get back to alphabetizing my records.

You really can't beat the warmth of analog, you know?

God, I sound cool.

Right. I am gonna hunker down with Reese's Book of the Month,

so until we meet again.

Will Sheila find love with the war hero who's caring for her sick dog?

You are a real page-turner, Vet Vet.

I can't believe Charlie's just reading alone.

That is not how we do it at our house.

Turn.

Okay. Well, this is going horribly!

We need them to bond, like, stat!

Uh... Oh!

We could leave a baby on their doorstep.

You know, force them to co-parent.

How are we gonna get our hands on a baby?

I could get a baby.

Hi, girls!

Wow! What a cute spot.

Mwah!

So, uh, is your dad here yet?

Excited to meet him!

Nope. Not yet.

Must have gotten stuck in some traffic.

Coming from Smoochville.

Hello, stranger!

You must be Nick. - And you must be Lori.

Wow. It's crazy to see you after all these years.

Alright, cut the act, losers.

We just saw you Frenching. With your tongues.

- All Frenching is with tongue... - Not now.

Damn it, Lori. I knew we shouldn't have made out so close to our destination.

Well, what's a girl to do when you rock those corduroys?

Yeah, probably shouldn't have worn my butt huggers.

When did this start?

A few weeks ago.

You were spending all this time together,

and I wanted to make sure he was a good guy.

So, I went to his shop.

Um...

I'm sorry to interrupt your 9 AM chili dog,

but I have to ask.

Do I know you?

Yes.

In the biblical sense.

And then, we got to talking.

It was so nice to catch up after all these years.

And then, things started to get hot and heavy.

- Careful. That's hot. - And heavy!

Mm-hmm.

I guess we've been on... five or six dates since then.

- And one salty weekend by the sea. - Oh yes.

Oh, my God!

They're together, and you didn't even have to trap them.

Now, we can focus on getting hot waiter to snap me like a glow stick.

- What the hell is this? - This had better be good, Jesse.

The vet vet is having a war flashback mid-neuter.

Say It Or Do It:

The Electronic Male Bonding Game for Men.

"Barstool Sports calls it,

'Not your Mama's truth or dare.'"

"Featuring the voice of Rob Gronkowski."

- Where did this come from? - No idea.

I bet Sid did another Tanqueray and Tar-jay.

Say it!

When's the last time you cried, Bro-chacho?

Well, answer Mr. Gronk.

Uh, uh...

three weeks ago, I guess,

when I thought about Ellen dying someday.

Never far from my mind either.

Alright, my turn.

ROB GRONKOWSKI: Do it!

Hug each other as hard as you can for a five-count. Kings!

- Alright, well, bring it in. Okay. - I am gonna bring it in. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Five...

Four...

I did it!

It's working. They're bonding.

Do it!

Bench press your boy and tell him you love him.

They're doing it.

I did not know Jesse had that kind of upper body strength.

And he dropped him.

And here is the citrus-glazed salmon.

Better keep that salmon away from your mother, kid.

Shut up!

It was one time!

What happened with the salmon?

So, we went to Coney Island...

Wait. You guys went to Coney Island?

You guys ate salmon at Coney Island?

We rode the Cyclone after we ate, and let's just say...

The salmon swam back upstream.

Hilarious story from the, uh, amusement park

that you didn't invite me to, even though my Insta bio says,

"photographer, coffee lover, roller coaster fanatic."

Um... Is everything okay?

Sorry. You know, I'm just... I'm a little surprised.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

Wow. That didn't go as smoothly as I hoped.

But, I think she's getting her head around it.

She's running away.

So you literally ran away.

Like you never ran away?

Remember when Dad and I said

you couldn't go to Olivia Rodrigo's farewell tour?

Okay, let's get back to your story.

Mm-hmm.

Say it!

Dude, what's your greatest fear?

Oof. Uh...

I guess... winding up alone.

Come on.

It's not gonna happen to a catch like you.

Speaking of, how are things going with Parker?

Oh! Great. Parker's amazing.

She told me she's gonna stop seeing other people,

and I've got no other people to stop seeing,

so I guess we're exclusive.

Which means any day now, she's gonna realize she's too good for me.

Hey, don't you talk about my friend like that.

You are a bloody dream.

Thanks, Charlie. How are you this easy to talk to?

He used that line on me at Wesleyan.

Does he say that to all the boys?

Say, Jesse. JESSE on : Mm?

Would you ever want to go on vacation?

You know, just the two of us?

He's never asked me to go on vacation with him.

Probably because living with me, it's like its own vacation.

Right, Sid?

Well, let me answer your question with another question.

What are your thoughts on strawberry daqs?

- My thoughts are... - Mm-hmm.

- One glass, two straws. - Now you're talking!

This is what we wanted, right? F-For them to like each other

better than they like us? Sid?

Sid!

Oh! My super-period is over! I lost a lot of eggs, but I'm back.

Yeah, she is. And so am I, so go home, Charlie!

Eh, I'm good. We're in the middle of a game.

Sorry about my roommate.

My turn.

I pick Say It.

- Super say it! - Yes!

Both bros answer. Who is your closest homie?

Ooh! Don't need to answer that.

CHARLIE and JESSE: My closest homie is...

Gotcha! ELLEN and SID: Hm?

Yes, we found your little nanny cam.

Okay, not sure how to work the nanny cam app,

but the roommate trap plan is going amazing!

Seriously. And now, we get to tell Charlie

and Jesse we're kicking them out guilt-free.

God, we're geniuses! SID: Mm-hmm.

Hey, wh-why do you think that microphone icon on here is lit up?

Hm...

We could have been talking about anything!

I don't understand. Why do you want to get rid of me?

I don't want to get rid of you. It's just...

I can afford my own place now.

I thought we were living together for love, not to save money!

Of course, we were living together to save money.

Why else do people have roommates?

So that when you throw up, you have someone to tell.

Dude, Hannah and I are married.

Like, you must've known I'd want to live alone with her when she moved back.

Yeah, eventually. I didn't realize you wanted me gone the moment she got here.

And why do I have to move out anyway?

'Cause you can't afford it here!

And you're never gonna find a roommate

who pays seven-eighths of the rent like I do!

Oh, so suddenly somebody's a fractioneer!

What?!

Oh...

Get off of me!

Hey, guys.

My parents started dating behind my back,

and I never wanna see them again!

Sophie, it's your parents.

I am not here.

Excuse me, I'm moping in here!

That's so childish.

You mind if I hide under your desk from my parents?

Is Sophie here?

We have something we'd like to tell her.

No! Mr. and Mrs. Sophie,

she is definitely not here.

Okay, well, if you see her, will you tell her

we really love her and we're sorry?

Yes, and whenever she's ready to talk to us,

we'll be waiting back at the restaurant.

Mention the tiramisu.

NICK and LORI: Eating tiramisu!

Ow!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I heard the word "tiramisu" and I got so excited.

You think they're gone? - Yeah.

So, you wanna explain why you're hiding from your parents?

Yeah. They started secretly dating behind my back.

My plan was for us to be a trio,

and instead, they're a duo, and I'm an uno.

Sophie.

Just because your parents like each other doesn't mean they don't still love you.

It's not just that.

Th-They tell these stories that are so annoying,

a-and their jokes are so lame.

- Mm. - And they both use

their iPhone flashlights to look at the menu.

It wasn't even dimly lit in there. Boomers.

- This is great! - What is?

Your parents are irritating the shit out of you,

and you've become the most immature version of yourself.

You're officially a real family.

- Oh, my God. You're right. - Mm-hmm.

They drive me crazy. I hate their guts!

I'm so happy! JESSE: Yeah?

Oh, wha...

Look at you with a throw blanket on the end of your bed.

Uh...

This is really embarrassing, but I actually got that

during our extremely brief foray into dating.

Ooh.

I don't know. I wanted you to be impressed, b-but then...

- We crashed and burned. - Yeah. Over before it even began.

Oh! My God, I hit my head really hard.

You don't think I have a concussion, do you?

- No, no, no. You're fine. - Okay, good.

Uh, you don't think I have a concussion, do you?

I'm gonna go back to the restaurant and meet up with my parents.

I'm really sorry for wasting your evening. - Are you kidding?

Hot Waiter is a Gemini!

Oh, gonna get so weird together!

Say it!

When was the last time you lost control of your emotions, playa?

A few minutes ago.

Look, I know I need to move out so you can live alone here with your wife,

and I couldn't be happier for you.

Even if it is the end of an era. The Sid-Jesse Era.

The Sesse Era.

Hey, and we'll still get to hang out all the time. We just...

won't get to sing our toothbrushing song anymore.

♪ It's just... ahh... ♪

- A little brush. - Brush.

Brush...

I take it all back.

Of course, there are other reasons to have roommates besides saving money.

I wanna be the first person to know when you throw up.

Oh, thank God.

'Cause I have something to tell you...

I'm sorry for going missing.

Oh, you guys must have been so scared.

- Terrified. - We almost called the police.

We're sorry that we were sneaking around behind your back.

Although...

maybe that's what made it so red-hot.

I'm kidding. It's your mom's body is what made it so hot.

Dad!

Your body is what made it so hot.

Mom!

Why were you guys sneaking around?

We just didn't wanna say anything to you

until we figured out what this was.

I mean, the first time around, it-it was...

It was over before it even began.

I know the feeling.

But, this time I think it has real potential.

There's something to be said for second chances.

Hm.

My friends are having a game night.

If it's okay, I think I'm gonna go.

Of course, sweetie.

It sounds kinda lame to me, but those are your friends.

Actually, uh, I just remembered that I hate games.

Don't even really like nights that much.

Anyone up for another round of tiramisu?

I don't know.

I didn't like mine very much.

Parents.

Seriously.