Original subtitles

Son, sometimes in life,

you have to perform a best friend rescue.

Remember the time I had to drive you to Aunt Val's house

to stop her from bleaching her hair?

Yeah.

I-I still don't really understand what the big deal was.

How many times do I have to say it?

I'm the blonde one!

Okay. Swish and Val's engagement party is tomorrow,

and if we all work together, we can make it a success.

And here, we're defining success

as killing this engagement dead. Any questions?

I'm straight off a plane here,

so my question would be, what?

A bubbly undergrad proposed to Val,

and she doesn't wanna go through with it,

and I'm not ready for married lame friends.

Except for you guys!

Love your love.

So, what am I looking at here, exactly?

Um, well, I wanted to do a presentation, but I ran out of time.

Oh, so why'd you bring it?

Well, I didn't buy PowerPoint for nothing.

Didn't you?

Okay. Crazy thought.

What if Val breaks up with Swish

using words like, I don't know, "I'm breaking up with you, Swish."

Uh! We tried.

Swish, you are a wonderful person,

and I have so enjoyed our time together.

But...

- You do it. - I can't. I see it, too.

Disappointing Swish face-to-face is a no-go.

So here's the plan. Tomorrow, we are gonna convince Swish

that he doesn't wanna marry Val. Ellen,

you're gonna play the role of "bitter divorced lady."

Ooh! Can my name be Maureen?

No. He's met you.

Sid, Hannah.

You guys are gonna be the unhappy married couple

who just can't stop fighting.

This is our first weekend together in a month,

and we're supposed to fake a fight?

Glad you get it. Charlie!

You will be the fun bachelor who's going to remind Swish

of all the great casual sex

he'll be missing out on if he gets hitched.

Love that for me, but I can't. I'm bringing Julia.

Oh, nice. How's that going, anyway?

- Next topic, please. - You don't like Julia?

Julia's fine.

Just having a little roommate kerfuffle. It's nothing to fret over.

Next. Topic. Please.

Okay, Jesse, then you'll be Mr. "I live for casual sex."

I hate guys like that. What's your thing?

- Can I just do that instead? - No!

I am gonna show Swish how ancient I am.

Then, I'll mention that Val and I are the same age,

and he'll connect the dots.

Smart! He loves Connect the Dots!

Babe!

It's not a horse! It's a unicorn!

I did that.

Don't worry, Val.

As soon as I'm done with you, you are going to be...

Single AF!

That says "sing leaf."

Damn it.

I'm gonna be the most married person in the world.

So, um, if Swish asks,

my parents are in India.

What? Why?

He wanted my dad's blessing,

so I told him they were out of the country.

Photoshopped a picture of them in front of the Taj Mahal.

Fiancée!

Hey...

Mwah!

Oh, my gosh.

I just saw our unborn children in your eyes.

Do you see them in mine?

Nope. Just, like,

your pupils.

Oh, right. I'm being stupid because they say that you see

the spark of the children in the mother's eyes.

You probably just see, like, little sperms in mine.

Oh! Sorry.

I guess it's true what they say.

Back pain is youth just leaving the body.

I'm going through changes now that I'm creeping up on the big 3-1.

You know what I realized the other day?

When you're 31,

Val's gonna be 43.

And when you're 43, she'll be 55.

We get it! You're a horny cat.

I love being with an experienced woman.

I think it's beautiful that you guys have to take your pants off when you come home.

Hey, have you met Jesse?

Hey, hey, hey!

So, tying the old knot, huh?

Yeah. I could never.

I'd get hung up thinking about all those...

tasty women I'd be missing out on.

- Tasty... - Tasty, tasty meat.

Big ol' husks, huh? I mean,

women are objects, and the subject is sex,

- am I right? - Okay.

Yeah, if you ask me, best to stay single

'cause life's just a big ol' bag of boobs.

- What are you doing? - Sorry.

Was bag of boobs weird? I was between that and butt parade.

How did I ever have sex with you?

Missionary, right?

Marrying young was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

I'm a broken shell of a woman.

Nothing like the Maureen I used to be.

Wait, I thought your name was Ellen.

You remember that? God, you're a good listener.

And plus, you don't seem broken. Y-You have a cool job,

you're a great friend, and Val says your girlfriend is freakin' dope.

Yeah, Rachel rules.

I guess I'm kicking butt out there, huh?

- Thanks, Swish. - Hey, no problem, Maureen.

Look, you wanna be called Maureen, I'll call you Maureen.

Later.

I'm sorry. He smiled at me, and then I just forgot.

A-And then, I had an overwhelming desire

to-to be his mom, but, like a chill one.

Like, he could smoke in front of me.

Mom?

Ellen, that's it!

You're pretty tough to talk to sometimes, you know that?

And then I'll say,

"Church shmurch! Sunday's for football!"

And then you'll say, "Well, I never."

I've never once said that in my life.

Okay, well, do the other line we talked about.

Fine. I'll say, "You're not gettin' any of this tonight,"

but I'm not pointing at my crotch.

Wait, you have Zillow alerts on?

Hell, yeah. Me, too.

How do you feel about exposed brick?

I know it makes me a basic bitch, but I love it.

Wait, Hannah, this is for a house in Los Angeles.

I live in a nice area.

I got curious, that's all.

Uh-huh. Curious like,

"Look how much these suckers paid for this dump,"

or curious like, "I wanna be one of these suckers"?

What do you want me to say?

I've lived in LA for a while now, I love my job, I'm making friends...

Yeah, Hannah, but we have a plan. Like, you were supposed to move here

when your residency is over.

That's always been the plan.

I don't wanna talk about this here.

Can't we just fake fight now?

We can't fake fight now. We're in a real fight.

Ellen, right?

I'm Julia. I was actually at your place the other night.

Oh, I know you were. Hi.

- You're looking well. - As are you.

- Why are you guys being weird? - We're not.

And there is no "we." On your way now.

Hey, babe. Long-ass pee, huh?

What happened, you drank too many Gatorades?

Uh... sure.

Oh, my boy Doink made it! Doink!

Um, I gotta say, I'm not feeling any less engaged.

Okay, we've had some misses.

Alright, but I have a new plan, and the main thing

that I want you to focus on

is, is not being, um, mad at me.

Hey. We came as soon as we got your text.

Oh, Val, what are we gonna do with you?

You're engaged to a child?

What have you done to your life, my darling?

It's because we gave her that cell phone too early.

That Motorola Razr rotted out her brain.

- Oh... - I need you guys to focus, okay?

Swish wants your blessing,

and if you don't give it to him,

he will call it off. For a guy named Swish,

he's surprisingly traditional.

You're engaged to someone named Swish?!

- It's not his real name. - What is?

Okay, from you,

I need disapproving dad. Glare at him.

- Can you glare for me, Juan? - Yeah.

That's more of like a... a smolder.

I-I'm sorry. I have resting smolder face.

- Oh, it's a curse... - Oh, my God!

How's this?

Oh! There! That's the glare!

And from you, I want subtle disappointment.

Gimme, like, a withering head shake.

Less movement. If it's slight, it hurts more.

- Ooh, devastating. - Mr. and Mrs. M?!

Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you guys made it! I-I thought you were in India.

Uh, th-they were! Uh, but India...

- closed. - Damn, that sucks.

- But welcome. - He believes India closed?

Uh, thank you.

Hey, why don't you three go get to know each other?

Yeah! Yeah.

Remember, glare and wither.

And don't look directly into his eyes, but don't get lost in his hair either.

Hey, are you okay?

I-I can tell something weird's going on with you and Ellen.

- It was an accident. - What was?

I've said too much.

Never mind. You know, I don't wanna know anymore.

Fine, I'll tell you everything.

It was the first time Julia had spent the night.

Your piggy got out of his pen...

Wha?! What are you doing?! Whoa!

Turns out, Ellen and Julia are back twins.

- I mean, I was destined to fail. - She calls you "Piggy" in bed?

What do you call her?

"Farmer Julie."

She's a dairy farmer who dabbles in pork,

and I'm a dainty little pig who doesn't like the mud.

You guys have been on, like, three dates.

Yes, I know.

Still got a lot of world-building to do.

I mean, what does LA have that New York doesn't?

LA has tons of great things.

I live right near this pupusa place that...

We have pupusas! You want pupusas?

I'll get you a million pupusas.

But they just don't taste as good here. Maybe it's the water.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That is our thing, Hannah.

New York is the one with the water.

Sid,

can we at least have a conversation about you moving to LA.

We're having it, Hannah! It is not going well!

Our plan was always...

Yes, I know what the plan was, but plans can change, Sid.

Hey, guys? Uh, we're working a parent angle right now,

so I'll let you know if I need you.

Loving this energy. It sounds

really ugly in here. Thanks.

I have some concerns.

Valentina doesn't make much money, and you're still in school.

Yeah, you're right. But that's why I whipped up this, uh,

five-year financial plan.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I would start night trucking after class.

I-I have short sleeper syndrome, so I only need about four hours.

And if I work the Jersey-to-DC route for the rest of college,

I would be able to save up for a sick-ass condo.

Wow. You've really thought this through.

Yeah, m-my buddy Doink is a econ major.

Doink!

O-Okay, okay, so you have a plan,

but what is the rush to get married?

I mean, you're just a kid.

With mad due respect,

I just love your daughter way too much to wait.

A-And plus,

didn't Juan propose to you the day that you guys graduated high school?

He did.

And it looks like it worked out for you guys.

Why are they high-fiving?

What the hell is he doing now?

Oh God. It's happening to them.

Okay. The bad news is we gave Swish our blessing.

But, the good news is...

- You get to marry Swish. - What?!

No. She is not marrying Swish.

Why not?

You've never been with anyone this wonderful.

Are you sure that it gets better than Swish, sweetheart?

- Because we're not. - That head of hair.

Think of the grandchildren.

This is crazy. This is insane.

You guys, of course it gets better than Swish.

He's not even the full version of himself yet!

He still has three baby teeth.

You know what?

Um...

Maybe they're right.

What?

I'll do it. I will marry Swish.

Just so you know...

I haven't been this disappointed in hot people

since I saw Heidi Klum throw out a burger just because it fell in a puddle.

Okay.

I think I know how to fix your situation.

- Charlie moves back to England. - Unfair! You move back to England!

Listen!

What happened to you guys reminded me of something.

Something I've worked very hard to forget.

Back when I was with Meredith, she stayed over all the time.

I came home late one night, heard the shower,

figured Sid was asleep, so it must be her.

Meanwhile, Sid was showering, heard the door, assumed it was Hannah...

Okay, we see where this is going.

So you saw your buddy naked. Big deal.

That's not the issue. It was what I heard.

Missin' some evidence, little lady?

- Why was he Southern? - Was his penis the evidence?

Yes, Ellen.

And I think he wanted her to... tamper with it.

Seeing your best friend in sex mode

is one of the hardest things in life to bounce back from.

The awkwardness is suffocating.

And for Sid and I, we thought it might be the end of us.

But then, one day, I was at a bookstore,

and I saw the answer right there in front of me.

Joe Pesci's 101 New York Musts.

Sid and I did every single dumb activity in that book.

And bit by bit, memory by memory,

we buried the shower fiasco deeper and deeper

into the recesses of our minds,

until we forgot about it entirely.

Until now.

We need that book.

Charlie! You've been ignoring me all night.

Right. And that will stop...

right after I go and do a series

of Joe Pesci-approved activities with my roommate.

Okay.

Alright, I'm out.

Tell Charlie to find a new farmer. He'll know what that means.

Wait. Before you go...

can I tell you about something that happened to me?

No.

Hey.

You can't seriously be considering marrying Swish, right?

You don't love him.

No, I don't love him. But, like, I love him!

And my parents made some good points.

He's an amazing man that's obsessed with me.

Why should I be running away from that?

What about Charlie?

Because I thought that he was your endgame.

So did I, but maybe I was wrong.

Babe, come here! I drew that bird that you dreamed about.

Ooh!

Hey!

What are you guys doing out here?

Sophie put us on a timeout.

I'm Sid, by the way. Uh, we haven't really met,

but Sophie has a picture of you guys as her lock screen.

That's troubling.

Yeah. I thought so, too. Um...

Anyway, I heard you guys are, like, the perfect couple,

and I was just wondering

if you guys could give me some relationship advice.

Of course.

See, Babe? A podcast

where we give relationship advice to normals would kill.

Ah...

Have you guys ever wanted totally opposite things,

where only one of you could get your way?

Yes.

Years ago, I wanted to see the Spider-Man

where he's that little British boy.

Juan wanted to see Cats instead, so we did.

Awful.

I still carry guilt over that.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

The Cats you imagined was beautiful.

Okay, yeah.

You guys are probably not the people to talk to about this.

No, wait. Hey. Hold on. Um...

There is one other thing.

I always wanted to have more children,

and she wanted just the one.

That's a big one. How'd you guys figure it out?

Sometimes, there's no right answer.

There's just your answer, or hers.

I chose hers.

Can I show you something I found?

Sid, if this is another hamster apology card,

I will watch it and enjoy it, but I will still be mad at you.

No, this is, uh,

from the night we got engaged. I never showed it to you.

Hey! So, we just got back from the airport.

Um, I wanted to document this night together,

but you had to go be a badass surgeon.

So, uh, it's just me now.

Those people from the Uber are still here!

They seem fun. We're drinking.

Also, you were totally right. Jesse has a huge thing for the blonde.

Anyway, uh...

Hey. I'm sad you had to go,

but I really meant what I said earlier.

Like, we can make it through anything together.

Whatever it takes.

It's time I started living up to that promise again.

So, Hannah, I am officially open to LA.

Gonna try and imagine what it's like to, you know,

live there.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, if you love it so much, it's gotta be worth loving.

Mm... Yeah.

Whatever this is, make it quick.

Swish is on me about what our wedding colors are gonna be.

Okay, just gimme 30 seconds.

- Mm. - Okay, say something. I'm recording.

Um, a huge congratulations

to Hannah and Sid!

It is Hannah and Sid, isn't it?

I'm not sure, but you already said it, so just push through.

Um, well, we've only just met you,

but we are truly very happy for you.

You are clearly in love, and I know how good that feels.

Wait, what?

You love me?

No. No, I was talking about somebody else.

- You don't actually know them. - Oh, is that right?

What about the video?

Mm, who cares? We're never gonna see it again.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe Charlie is not your end game.

But, for a while, you loved him, Val.

You really, really loved him.

And if you think that you can find that kind of love

with Swish, then I say go for it.

But if you can't?

Go find it. Okay?

Whether that's with Charlie or with someone else.

No, you're right.

I'll hold out for true love.

God, thanks a lot, you asshole.

She broke Swish's heart that night.

But he got happily married weeks later!

He owns an island now.

Didn't even have to pay for it. The US government was just like,

"Here!"

Sorry. So sorry.

Sorry.

Look after him, Doink.

We were trying to help.

I know. You want me to find true love,

and I will.

I wanted you to marry literally Swish.

He'll get over it. Just give him some time, huh?

How do you feel?

Guilty. Humiliated.

And?

Single!

We did it!

We can look at each other in the eye again. Watch.

Huh?

That book... Jesse, why does that book look familiar?

Sid, we gotta go to Times Square right now.

Okay.