Original subtitles

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

- Hi.

I'm Nick. I think I'm your dad.

- What? How did...

- I have a camera outside my shop.

- Greetings, sir.

It's me, your long-lost daughter... Ah!

What up, Nick?

Who's my daddy? You're my daddy.

A little bit about me. I...

have a great life! Lot of good friends.

We get drinks at this place called Pemberton's, like, every night.

But not, like, in a problematic way.

- So, how am I your dad exactly?

My mom is Lori Tompkins.

You guys met at Lollapalooza '91

and conceived me to Jane Says.

No judgment. I have sex to weird songs, too.

- You're my dad. I don't have sex. - What?

- Wait. I'm 30. I do.

Anyway, surprise!

- Wow.

You're my daughter.

With Lollapalooza Lori.

I'm sorry to spring this on you.

- Oh. No, don't be.

I never had a daughter before.

Or a son.

I had a cat once. That's different.

I think. Wouldn't really know.

- Um...

Wanna get a drink or something?

- I'd love that.

- I'll get you a beer, Mr. Sophie.

- I have a better idea. Why don't I, uh,

come to your shop tomorrow, and we can have lunch?

- Great. Great.

But, no family discount. You can thank your step-grandma for that.

I caught her reselling chili dogs at her old age home, so.

- Hey, man.

- Hey...

What's up?

- Not... much...

Why are they being weird?

- It's just Bro Speak. I'll translate.

- Whatcha got going on tonight?

- Not much. Just... the usual.

- I was gonna go check out that new bar on Mercer Street, if you wanna tag along.

- Sure.

- Hey, friends!

Great news.

Swish is cheating on me!

- Uh, congrats?

- This is exactly what I was hoping would happen!

He'd lose interest, meet someone new, and dump my ass.

- How do you know he's cheating on you?

- Um, hey, babe, I-I gotta get going. Um,

my study group needs me for... finals.

- Your study group is named Ally?

- Um, yep! It stands for...

Americans Learning Linguistics... Yummy?

- Well, I am gonna miss being blinded by his grandmother's rock, though.

- Oh, I know just how we can celebrate your engagement's imminent demise.

A fancy open house!

- Oh, we have to go to this. - Mm-hmm!

- Three floors. Walk-in wine fridge?!

- And a servant's quarters! These people are so fancy,

they don't even know you can't say servant anymore.

What can I get you guys?

- Two gin martinis with a twist, please.

- Oh. And where are we from?

- Well, London... - Originally Cincinnati.

- Did I hear you say you're from London? - Uh, yes, I am.

I'm Charlie. This is my friend Jesse.

He is from Cincinnati.

Which is the London of Ohio!

Can you say Cincinnati again?

It sounds so elegant when you say it.

- Cincinnati.

- You know, I call soda "pop."

If that does anything... for you.

- Hey. How'd it go with your dad?

- Mm...

It started off kinda awkward.

Okay. Favorite movie on three. One! Two!

Christmas with the Kranks!

- I'm sorry. I-I don't really watch movies.

Have you ever seen Jay Leno's Garage?

- Hm? - Oh.

- They say it's genetic!

You try.

- Nope. Can't do it.

Sophie...

You can't expect to bond with your dad after just one day.

It took me, like, 30 years for me and my dad to find our thing,

which we did last May.

We both hate wind chimes.

- You love wind chimes.

- Please don't tell my dad. It's all we have.

- Actually, um,

I did figure out one way for us to bond.

That's delicious.

How is this place not packed?

- Um, business has been a little slow

since they closed the bar across the street.

- Hm. - We used to do huge numbers late nights.

What can I say? Drunks love dogs.

- Okay.

So, if the drunks won't come to the dogs,

then we need to bring the dogs to the drunks.

We're doing a pop-up here!

Now, you say "yes." And I say, "yay!" And then, we hug.

You wanna just skip to the hug?

- There you are!

Thanks for leaving me alone with the giggle squad.

They made me record a voice memo as sexy Paddington bear.

- What a dumb idea. - Yeah, you're telling me.

Paddington isn't sexy.

I mean, he's snuggly and sensual, maybe, but he...

- No! I mean me trying to meet women with you and your stupid charming accent.

It's like I'm invisible. - Trust me, Jesse, this accent is a curse.

- Ugh. - It's all people see.

I'm just some British thing for women to play with,

like a-a statue of Big Ben

or a tea towel with Duchess Kate's face on it.

- What is a tea towel?

- I hate this country.

- Look, hey, here's a thought.

How about I be British and you be American. Okay?

Women will all flock to me, and you can be the guy

pretending to do something on his phone.

- That's brilliant.

I think you'll find that my accent's top-notch, old sport.

- Are you doing Michael Caine? You're a young man, Jesse!

Right you are, bruv. Fancy another gin?

- Not bad, my main man. - Not bad yourself, mate.

- Hi. - Hello.

- I'm Angelina. This is my friend Julia.

I love your accent. Where are you from?

- Who, me? Well, I-I'm...

from...

the town in Love, Actually.

- So, London?

- Oh, blimey! You've heard of it!

- So, what do you do? - Uh...

I am a bartender. Yeah. Uh, an American bartender.

- Only 5,000 square feet?

It's a bit tight, no?

- Oh, it is. At this size,

I'd run the risk of actually seeing my children.

Oh...

- Oh, my God.

This is Missy Moritz's apartment!

The legendary socialite who's known for wearing amazing hats.

She invented shapewear for dogs.

She wrote that song Ass So Rich.

- Oh!

♪ Whose ass so rich? ♪

♪ This ass so rich ♪

God, I love that song.

You don't expect the bridge

to make you cry, but it does. - I know.

- Val, should we go try on her hats?

Or do you think our heads are too big?

- I brought Vaseline. - You always come prepared!

♪ Whose ass so rich? ♪

♪ This ass so rich, oh! ♪

- Wow.

This place is packed.

It's like Toad the Wet Sprocket is playing or something.

- I know! I went into Google Maps,

and I set us as an ATM location.

- Well, hot dog.

- Oh. I think that was your first dad joke.

- More where that came from, kid.

- Oh.

- He called me kid!

- Put on some trousers and say, "Thank you, Charlie."

Julia and Angelina are coming over here for cocktails.

- Wait, really? Yes!

Oh, man. I'm really into Angie. She's a teacher. I'm a teacher.

We both turn our chairs around backwards when it's time to get real with the kids.

- Julie's fantastic.

I could really see myself dating her.

- Same!

But we're locked into these stupid accents.

It's a bit of a pickle, innit?

Right. We're gonna have to figure out how to switch back.

I mean, I can't be a Yankee Doodle forever.

Oh, my God.

What if I have to choose between my voice and my one true love?

Am I the Little Mermaid?

This is the hat Missy wore to meet

Bo Obama!

- Excuse me!

This room is off-limits!

Which, coincidentally, is the name of

my new single featuring Tyga. Tell your friends.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you are Missy Moritz!

Oh wow, you're even more fabulous in real life.

- Aw, I know.

It's actually a problem.

It's so hard to translate this through a camera.

Anyway, thanks. Kisses. Bye!

- We're such huge fans! - Ah!

Both of you, get out! Okay?

I will call security,

and they are not afraid to hit women because they are women.

- Love it. - Change starts from the top down.

- Get out! ELLEN: Oh, she's yelling at us!

♪ For goodness sake ♪

♪ Hippy Hippy Shake by Chan Romero ♪

- Two dogs! - Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

♪ Woo! ♪

- And here's some mustard! - Oh!

- Boom! Boom! And boom! - Yeah!

- This goes... Heyo! - Ha!

- Oh!

- Brats. - 'Kraut.

- Woo! Yes! Ow! - Boom!

This is making me want a hot dog.

- It's making me want another.

- Tonight was so fun. - So fun.

- I really relished doing this with you.

- Oh. Are you my dad?

- You know, this pop-up doesn't have to be a one-off.

We could expand to other bars. It could be our thing.

I mean, it's a family business, right?

- Right. Except for your step-grandma.

She opened a Wienerschnitzel franchise down the street,

and now, she's dead to me.

- Wow. She sounds like a real pistol.

- No, she carries a real pistol.

- God.

We look good in other people's clothes.

- I know. Mm!

I can still feel Missy's baby snake leather gloves on my...

- Oh, no.

Swish's grandma's ring. It's gone!

- Shit! I bet it fell off when we were trying on Missy's stuff!

- Okay, so you lost the ring. We could get a fake!

I know a gal. These earrings? Fake.

This ring? Fake.

This anklet? Nonexistent.

Because who the F would wear an anklet?

- I can't give Swish back a fake ring!

Come on. We-We gotta go back to Missy's.

- We can't go back! We were thrown out!

- Ellen, well-behaved women rarely make history.

- Ugh. You sound like Jesse.

- I've always wanted to be a part of a couple

known for their dinner parties like Ina Garten and Jeff...

And Jeffrey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that bloke.

'Scuse me, love.

'Ello?

What?!

Well, that is devastating news.

- What happened to his voice?

Charlie, we can stop practicing our accents.

They've canceled the play.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

- Uh, w-what is happening?

- So sorry we couldn't explain before,

but, uh, these are our true accents.

You see, we are actors.

- Method actors. And we were just using those other accents

to prepare for an upcoming play.

- But, uh, now the play's canceled, so back to normal.

Oh.

Okay. Crazy. - Totally.

- So, what was the play?

- It was a...

- A Tale of Two... - Two Guys?

- Yeah! Comedy, but dark.

Also, there are puppets.

This sounds amazing.

You guys have to do a scene for us.

- Oh, my God, yeah, we'd love to. - But we can't!

- No, we can't... - Because we need... the puppets.

They're just essential to the inner lives...

- Would these work? - Oh, my God.

- I use them with the kids at school.

- Great. These are... industry standard.

We did it!

We sold out!

Having a business is so easy.

- Sounds about white.

- Uh, Sid, you just said white instead...

I get it.

- Hey!

You thought you could move dogs on the west side

and I wouldn't find out about it?

- Gio. I didn't know this was your territory, I swear.

- You didn't know?

This guy!

This guy didn't know!

- Hey!

You can't just come in here and laugh to no one about my dad.

- Sophie, shh. Yes, he can.

This is Gio Kawalski, the Polish Hot Dog King.

We're on his turf.

- Well, lucky for you, I'm in a forgiving mood.

But forgiveness has a price.

- Great. I do one nice thing for a friend,

now I'm gonna get whacked.

- Okay, who is the Polish Hot Dog King,

and why do we have to listen to him?

Wha... We're not even Polish!

Are we?

- Have a seat, kid.

Guess it's time for a little history lesson.

See,

back in the day, slinging dogs was a messy business.

Every sausage maker in the city was in the streets.

It was open warfare.

Carts knocked over, buns torched,

ketchup in the gutters.

- Sounds...

wasteful? - Oh, it was. Dangerous, too.

They don't call it "street food" for nothing.

So the Five Hot Dog Families had a sitdown.

They divided the city into territories.

- And we crossed into Gio's territory.

- That's right. But don't worry.

I just have to give Gio a taste of our action

to smooth things over. But,

sadly, our pop-up days are done.

Oh, and yeah. We're half Polish.

- Explains my love of pierogies.

- Okay! It's morning in New York City.

The date?

September 11th, two thousand and...

- Why would you choose that date? - Just 2000! Just 2000!

Ha, ha! All is well!

Two... businessmen...

board a subway train.

Crikey, I love riding the tube!

And I love taking the subway!

- W-What are you doing one year from today?

- What is wrong with you? - I don't know!

- Oh, my God, I can't do this!

Jesse and I swapped accents last night to meet women.

But we weren't expecting to meet anyone that we liked as much as you two.

Do you hate us?

- No. Actually,

it's kind of a funny story. - Yeah.

When we met, we were in the middle of a scavenger hunt

for a bachelorette party.

- My bachelorette party.

- What?! You're engaged?

- Number 17 on our list was "pick up a British guy."

We didn't actually think we'd ever see you guys again, but...

Well, then, Julia really liked Charlie, so...

- Do you... still like Charlie?

- I do.

- Julia, I think I was very clear

in my detailed bridesmaid's instructions

that no one was to say "I do"

in the month leading up to my wedding!

Well, Angelina, you know what?

I think this actually worked out for the best.

Congrats to you and the lucky fella.

- You're not my butternut squash ravioli.

Hey, aren't you the two I found rummaging in my closet earlier?

She remembers.

Yes! Your closet is a dream, by the way.

- I know. It was actually designed from a dream I had about a closet.

- Oh. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I-I left something behind. A ring.

- Uh... No, I haven't seen it.

Thanks. Kisses. Bye.

- Wait, wait, wait! On your... On your finger. Th-That's my ring.

- Uh, no, honey. This is my ring.

And like I said, thanks. Kisses. Bye.

- Missy Moritz stole your ring!

Wait, no, this is bad.

Exciting, but bad! - Mm.

- What do we do? - Uh...

Maybe we can trade her something for it.

All my jewelry is fake, but...

this scrunchie once belonged

to Marcia Gay Harden.

We go to the same gym.

- Playtime is over. There's something I got to do.

- Sophie, you know I hate when you talk like Liam Neeson.

- I am going to confront the Polish Hot Dog King

and tell him to lay off of my dad.

- That sounds really dangerous.

- Luckily,

I've got a unique set of skills.

- No, you don't!

You have a less-than-regular amount of skill! Soph.

Hey! I'm coming with you!

It's like you're trying to get me murdered!

There. Eating halal on a stick.

- Ha!

And he calls himself the Hot Dog King?

Well, wait till he gets a taste of Sophie.

Hey! Gio!

Please don't take down my daddy.

I'm sorry.

I don't know where this is coming from!

- It's coming from your face. Get it together.

Lady. Lady.

You gotta stop crying.

Lady, stop crying. I'm not Gio Kawalski.

- What?

- I was pretending to be the Kawalski guy for my Uncle Nick as a favor.

My name's Jake.

I'm your cousin. So...

- I have a cousin...

You're not my replacement butternut squash ravioli.

- Nope. I just wanted to show you this.

- A picture of you in a terrific closet with terrible posture?

No.

This. A can of red paint.

Louboutin red.

Now, why would someone have that in their closet?

- I have no idea what you're getting at.

- To paint the bottoms of her janky-ass heels, that's why.

Why you're not buying red bottoms. You're making red bottoms.

I've never even seen paint before.

- Ooh, the gossip sites are gonna love this.

"Cheap Missy Moretz makes her own knockoff Loubs!"

- No! It's not what you think, okay?

I don't want to make fake Louboutins. I have to.

Because they don't make a size 13!

- Oh! You're a size 13?!

- Shh! Yes! Okay?

That's why I always wear these amazing hats.

To draw the eye up!

- How about a trade?

Our silence for my ring back.

- And you'll delete that photo?

Done.

- Pleasure doing business, Missy.

I agree.

You know, I haven't had this much fun since I got in a fistfight with my nanny.

Hey. I will give you guys each a hat

for a pint of your blood.

No, no, it's not for anything weird. Just, you know,

to keep myself looking young.

- Just a pint. - Uh, Val?

You gotta stop giving away your blood.

- There she is. Where you been?

- Uh, meeting my cousin.

Damn it, Jake.

I knew I should've gotten a real actor.

Guy takes one improv class, he thinks he's Brando.

Okay, listen.

I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you that...

this pop-up thing was really fun, but...

I don't wanna shlep into the city all the time.

I'm happy with my shop.

- Got it.

I guess I was just looking for a reason for us to...

keep getting to know each other because we have nothing in common.

And if we don't have a thing, then maybe we're just going to

drift out of each other's lives.

- Sophie.

We don't need a thing to be in each other's lives.

Listen. I got divorced young.

I don't date much 'cause I'm always at the shop.

I was in a toxic on-and-off thing

with my sauerkraut supplier. You know Sharon DiMarco?

Why would you? She's just another lady.

The point is...

I kinda thought it was too late for me

when it came to the whole "having a family" thing. But...

you're a real game-changer, kid. Best kind.

- Why wouldn't you just tell me that you didn't want to do another pop-up?

- Oh.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

What?

What kind of a person makes up such an elaborate lie

just to avoid having a tough conversation...

Oh, my God.

It's our first thing in common.

Last one of the night.

I saved it for you.

Thanks for letting me pop up.

- Thanks for not getting me murdered.

- Any time. - Yeah, you, too.

- Hey, babe. Uh, can we talk for a second?

- Oh, yeah.

Here we go. Goodbye, gorgeous.

- Um, Val. Hey, look, I-I know I've been acting really weird lately,

but there's a reason... - I know.

And it's okay.

If you have feelings for this Ally person...

Ally?

I-I don't have feelings for Ally. She's my party planner.

For our engagement party that's happening next week! Surprise!

- Am I getting married?

- What?

- We're getting married...

- We're getting married!