Original subtitles

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

Oh, son, when you're young,

it's easy to think that older people have all the answers.

But then you date one,

and you realize we're all just flying blind.

Yeah, I actually dated a senior

for a few months last semester, so I-I know what you mean, you know?

Sweetie. I'm kind of in the middle of a story here.

Your generation just loves to talk about themselves.

Anyway, um,

I had been dating Robert for a few weeks,

and it was putting a real spring in my step.

Guys! I just saw a pigeon

on a romantic stroll...

with a rat.

Well, well, well, if it isn't our long-lost lovestruck Sophie.

You've been off in Robert-land forever.

The apartment's a wreck, and Cowgirl Cleanup

is a two-woman job.

Whoa, Nelly!

This bronco's got buck!

We promised each other that we wouldn't talk about Cowgirl Cleanup

until the trademark clears.

Okay. Yeah. I know I've been gone a lot,

but it's just that Robert keeps planning all of these amazing dates.

I have not set an alarm in years.

My body just naturally wakes up at 6 AM.

You're amazing.

This is my tomato bisque.

Holy shit!

Whoa!

And then, we go back to his apartment,

which overlooks Central Park, and we do it until the sun comes up.

I got a question. When you're "doing it,"

do you ever accidentally activate his Life Alert necklace?

- Ha. 'Cause he's older. - Yes.

Does he sleep in one of those floor-length grandpa nightgowns?

Yeah, with one of those long pointy hats?

And he's all like,

"honk-shoo, honk-shoo, mimimimimi!"

Ignore them, Soph. I think it's great.

It actually got me to widen the age range on my dating apps,

and I met someone.

Wait, you're dating a new guy? Well, how do I not know this?

Well ... I'm late to meet him.

I'll fill you in later. We can do Cowgirl Confessions.

Save it for the Sharks!

Guys, Robert is going to be here any minute, okay?

So, no more old man jokes.

Of course not. We want him to feel totally comfortable here.

That's why Sid put prune juice on tap.

What are we laughing at?

We're just razzing our friend 'cause she's dating an old guy.

Yeah.

- I believe that's me. - Oh, what?

But, you're... beautiful.

Uh, Robert, meet my friends.

Friends, this is Robert.

Zamn, Zaddy! Your skin is golden.

It's like the flesh of a sun-dappled peach on a late summer's evening.

- May I? - Sure.

Oh, my God. How do you get it to stay so supple? It's so...

- Okay, we don't need another lawsuit. - Yeah.

Introductions are over.

Ah, your friends are nice. Little handsy, but nice.

Uh, yeah, th-that's them in a nutshell.

Hey, you know what?

I was thinking...

tonight, I would take you out.

And by "out,"

I mean, in to my apartment,

where it's cozy. And cheap.

A night in at your place sounds great.

Yeah.

You okay?

I just kind of thought he'd be, like, some old novelty

she'd be into for a while, and then get tired of, you know?

Like those two weeks she tried being a top hat person.

You're sure it's not giving Lincoln?

Only in that it's blowing my brains out.

I'm sorry.

Maybe his organs are in worse shape than his outer body,

and he won't live much longer.

Probably not, though.

He glows from within.

Hey!

Class of '88. Me, too.

Huh?!

I'm sorry. What, you two are the same age?

Looks like it.

Does not!

Sid, promise me that in 25 years, we're gonna look like him,

and not like him.

- Sorry, no offense. - Huh?!

Dude, of course, we're gonna age like Robert. Look at us.

No, you're right.

And that one gray hair, nothing to worry about.

Exactly, dude. I barely even see it.

- What, me? - Yeah.

No, I meant your gray hair. I don't have any gray hair.

Neither do I.

No, no!

What's up, sad boy?

Figured you could use a hang.

Plus, Rachel's still in Florida taking care of her aunt.

I'm lonely, I'm bored,

- and I miss my bae's touch! - Okay.

Not loving your touch right now, but, uh, okay, fine.

Yeah, I guess I could use the company.

I'll go order us a pizza.

Can Robert do that?

Probably just make it, since he's a super-talented chef.

I mean, I hate that old dirtbag!

Ooh.

Oh!

Hey, babe. How's Boca? RACHEL Don't know.

I flew home early. My aunt's Florida friends were all,

"Don't say gay." And I was like,

"You know what? I'm gonna say it. Gay! Bye!"

Come over. I haven't seen you in weeks,

and there's some things we couldn't do on FaceTime.

I'm dying to do those things, but I promised Jesse we'd hang.

Maybe I can bail?

Yeah, hi. Yeah, I'll get a sausage pie, please.

Oh, a-and make it a large 'cause I'm hangin' with my sister.

I can't bail.

You're so lucky your brother's in prison.

Oh, man. We are aging so much faster than I thought!

Oh, you're right.

We look like Grace and Frankie's grandfathers.

The lighting in here is not helping!

Siddhartha, do not blame the lighting!

Two paths diverging into the woods.

One leads to gorgeous Robert,

and the other leads to that cranky old man at the bar

whose head looks like a scrotum.

Dude, you're right.

We gotta start taking better care of ourselves right now.

That's how you get to be a Robert.

Just need to be calm about this. Don't need to do anything drastic.

Oh, absolutely. Calm. Non-drastic.

We will do anything to look young forever!

Wowza. I am romantic as butt.

Hey, Val!

Hey!

Wait, did you sign up for Big Brother, Big Sister without me?

What? This is the guy I told you about. Swish.

Swish?

Sup?

We got kicked out of his dorm for hustling a game of flip cup,

and Swish lost his fake ID, so he can't go to bars.

Your guys' place is sick!

- My girl is hella aspirational. - Aw...

Um, Val? Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

How old is he?

NYU, Class of '26, bay-bee!

Two-six!

Okay, I am super happy for you, but you guys can't stay here

'cause Robert's gonna be here any minute, and I have this whole night planned.

Soph, you've barely been home for weeks,

and now, you're trying to kick me out?

Please!

- I'm trying to have a date. - Me, too.

Y'all have your own bedrooms?! Damn!

Okay, but yours is ridiculous.

You and Robert are no less ridiculous than me and Swish.

And we're not going anywhere, so I guess the four of us

will just have to share the apartment tonight.

- Fine. - Fine.

Sup, sir? I'm Swish.

Whoa, pink wine?

This is our cryotherapy chamber.

The subzero nitrogen helps detoxify the body

while also reducing oxidative stress.

You know, I am so glad scientists gave up on climate change

and started focusing on making us look hot.

Some people find it helpful to sing a song

to keep your mind off the pain.

Sorry, the what now?

- Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Cold! Cold! - Ah! Ow! Ow!

Try singing!

Uh, la la la!

La la la!

- Are you singing or crying? - Both!

Would you like more salad?

No, I never went to college.

No, salad!

Yeah.

- Uh, so I was thinking... - What?

I was... Oh, my God.

Val!

Val!

Hey. Why don't you join us? We have plenty of food.

You must have worked up an appetite with all that jumping.

Fire! I'd love to throw a fork in that.

Ah, yes. That is a fire idea, Robert.

See? My guy's mature and deals with problems.

Yeah. Back problems.

Where's the mirror?

I want to see how good we look.

Oh, you won't see results after just one treatment.

Most of our clients like to come in twice a week.

Uh, we're looking for something we'd only have to do, like,

twice a year.

Of course.

Well, whatever she has in mind, it can't possibly hurt

as much as that just did.

How do we feel about needles?

Depends on where you're gonna stick it, Kirstin.

Sorry that took so long.

Ellen?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Get out, get out, get out!

I'm so, so sorry!

Rachel came home early, and I didn't wanna ditch you,

so I asked her over here. And then you were gone so long.

And then one thing led to another.

And then I just need you to know that it was not my boob!

- What?! - I think you saw a boob back there,

a-and it's important to me that you know that was your sister's girlfriend's boob

and not your sister's boob!

Why would you use my bed?

At least somebody's using it.

What is that supposed to mean?! - Nothing!

I-I might have told her that you haven't slept with anyone since Meredith.

What? For all you know,

I could've slept with dozens of women since Meredith!

No, Sid hasn't texted me.

You and Sid text about my sex life.

Not lately.

How did this happen?!

How did I become the guy who has so little sex

that people text about it?!

I mean, I'm cool!

I play the guitar! I collect vintage T-shirts!

Yes, 'cause you have a lot of extra time from not having sex.

Really glad we're finally getting to spend some time together, Rachel.

Jesse, yes, you're cool.

But, you're also a softie who's hung up on a hottie

who's into an oldie. And I hate to say it, bro,

but you need to move on.

Or, at the very least, take back the bed.

You're right. I need to take back the bed.

I'm gonna go out right now and find a woman to have sex with.

In a very respectful way where she also mutually

wants to have sex with me.

- Totally! Get back out there. - Oh, yes!

Leave now! We'll watch the place.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're coming with me, okay?

Nothing is creepier than a single straight white guy

sitting alone at a bar, trying to pick up women.

Fine. Great.

I can't get laid until my brother gets laid.

Love it. Very Mormon.

So, Swish?

What'd you learn at school today?

Um, we've been studying really old films.

Uh, specifically from the late '90s.

My thesis is on the Scream franchise.

Ooh! I catered the New York premiere.

David Arquette loved my hummus.

Mad respect, sir.

Is it true landlines were invented for that movie?

Oh, Robert.

You do not have to help Swish with his homework.

Oh, I don't know.

I think it might be nice for Swish to learn from his elders.

Isn't that what he's doing with you?

Besides, Robert and I have important...

grown-up things to talk about.

You know what? Nothing makes you sound more like a dumb baby

than when you call something "grown-up."

Oh, you should know a thing or two about dumb babies 'cause you're dating one.

We should just stay quiet, right?

You're very smart for your age.

This is our top-of-the-line age simulator.

I can show you exactly how you'll look in 25 years if you do nothing.

Oh, my face. Oh, my beautiful face!

Well, good luck to you, buddy.

I guess some of us are just blessed with good genes.

You know what they say.

"South Asian don't raisin."

Oops. I-I forgot to hit play on your simulation.

I'm a raisin! I'm a raisin!

Shoot us up with everything you've got.

Jesse, I promise you don't say "hello" weird.

Just go talk to that cute girl.

Are you sure? It feels like it's coming out weird.

Hello. Hallo. Hallo?

- Just go with hi! - Hi!

- Hi! Hi! - Hi! Hi.

Wait, wait. C-can you do the sound of the dial-up modem again?

The modem goes like this.

♪ beatboxing along ♪

♪ harmonizing ♪

Anyone need more wine? I need wine.

Hey, actually, I'm going to, uh,

use the facility and get going.

No. No no, don't get going.

Valentina, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute?

You guys are driving Robert out of here,

and I know you're not really that into Swish.

You're wrong. I like Swish.

I really like Swish.

In fact, I think I love Swish.

If you swear to me that you're serious about Swish,

then I'll drop it and be happy for you.

Fine. I'm not serious about Swish.

I was just mad that you made fun of my relationship,

and then tried to kick me out of our apartment.

Okay.

And that was lame of me, alright?

But, I-I was just nervous about hosting Robert.

We never have grown-ups here that aren't our parents.

Soph, you have to stop saying grown-ups.

I know!

Why are you hanging out with Swish when you don't really like him?

Oh, I like him fine.

I mean, obviously, I'll get bored and end it soon,

but he's a lot of fun.

And a hell of an ego boost.

I do any basic adult things, Swish is like,

"Holy shit!" or, "Whoa!" or, "You're amazing!"

Oh no.

Holy shit!

Whoa!

You're amazing.

I'm Robert's Swish.

What are you in the mood for? Wine? Beer?

I can make you a Manhattan

if you promise not to judge me for googling it.

Please don't look at us!

Just try to remember me as I was!

What the hell happened to you two?

We got some preventative work done.

But I had an allergic reaction to the Botox.

My body is literally rejecting youth.

I'm just a little bit raw from the lasers.

And the needling.

And the chemical peel.

Honestly, it is disgusting the hoops we make men jump through.

Anne, I'd like you to meet Charlie and Sid.

I really like your room.

Thanks. I, uh,

painted it myself.

Ooh...

Whose bra is this?

D-do you have a girlfriend?

No, no, no. H-honestly, it's probably just my sister's.

She was having sex in here earlier.

Not with me. We don't do that. She's adopted.

Don't know why I said that. Uh...

I'll call you a Lyft.

Yeah.

Soph! Relax. You are not Robert's Swish.

- He really likes you. - Yeah,

he likes me for the moment

because I'm young and fun and easily impressed.

Okay, but what happens when the novelty wears off?

It's gonna be like that time when I decided to be a top hat person.

Nope!

Okay, if you're feeling worried about it, then test it out.

Try to make plans with Robert for, like, a month from now.

If he commits, you're golden. If he doesn't...

you're his Swish.

Genius.

Mm-hmm.

Swish and I will give you guys some space...

I don't know where he went.

Maybe he has a curfew?

Hey. That was fun.

Thank you for dinner.

Oh, come on! No, it-it's still early.

- No, I-I really gotta get home. - Okay, but before you do, uh,

the Fleet Foxes are playing Webster Hall in a few weeks.

We should go.

Uh, call you tomorrow. We'll talk all about it.

Okay, but I have it right here.

Hey, don't go rushing into buying anything.

No, no, no! Who's rushing?

Just take a peep.

Just send me the information, and, you know, we'll figure it out.

Oh! Maybe concerts aren't your thing, but here is a list

of upcoming events in the city.

There's museums and flea markets...

Politically incorrect puppet shows!

Please let me go home!

Our dates have kept me up late for the last two weeks,

and if I don't go home right now

and get nine hours of sleep

on my Tempur-Pedic mattress, I-I'm gonna physically collapse.

So, you're not avoiding making plans with me

because you don't wanna commit to seeing me a month from now?

What?

No, I'm not making plans

'cause I can't see your phone without my reading glasses.

But I didn't wanna tell you that

or admit how tired I am

because I don't want you to feel like you're dating

an old guy. Just an older guy.

I'll tell you what. How about next Saturday,

or however far into the future you want me to commit,

we'll go to my place upstate.

Whole weekend. Just me and you.

I choose next Saturday.

I was hoping you would.

Val!

V-Valentina?

There you are!

Look, uh,

I-I know we've only been dating for a few weeks, but...

when you know, you know.

I've never met anyone like you,

and I love you, and...

I know you love me, too.

Will you marry me?

- Yeah, okay. - What?

Ah!

She said yes! You said yes!

Oh, my gosh, I gotta call my mom right now!

Oh! Sorry.

Why would you say yes?

I didn't wanna be mean!

Kids these days have, like, zero attention span.

He'll forget about it by tomorrow.

He wouldn't.