Original subtitles

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

Son, it's never too late in life to learn a new skill.

Says the woman who still can't whistle.

I can whistle!

Please continue the story!

With pleasure.

Hey, guys.

Sweetie, you're drenched in sweat!

Were you chasing down Mr. Softee again?

Oh. No.

Photo gig at a kid's birthday in Yonkers.

I had to take four trains,

two cabs, and one very creepy Uber.

Look at you. Big round eyes like a sexy owl.

No!

Why don't you just learn to drive?

Sophie and I got our learner's permits in college,

but then we realized driving is the worst!

You have to be sober, you can't lie down,

and you have to wear this ugly belt.

Mm!

Don't even get me started on left turns.

What is this world where you just pull into the intersection

and trust a stranger is not going to kill you?

What's next? Anyone could just go into a store and purchase a gun?

Is no one gonna tell her?

How are two adults not able to drive?

Pretty cocky for a guy

who can't even shave his own face.

You swore you wouldn't tell a soul!

It's time people knew. I'm sick of our arrangement!

♪ Soft jazz playing ♪

I grew up with a live-in barber.

I was raised to believe that shaving your own face

is only something men from Essex did.

Plus, it's scary.

You're a New Yorker now. You gotta toughen up, kid!

Oh, says the woman who's too scared to confront her coworker?

I told you about Rhonda in confidence!

Who's Rhonda?

R-Rhonda?

Oh, my bad.

Here's a breast.

She keeps her dipping sauces on our printer.

So, just talk to her.

I can't. I'm extremely conflict-averse,

and she's terrifying. She eats the bones.

At least I'm not a bar owner who can't chug a beer.

That's right. He sips like a simp!

Okay, fine. I don't chug. I prefer taking baby sips

'cause beer is a little tickly.

Hey, my creepy gym teacher was a little tickly, okay?

Beer is delicious.

Guys, I just had a brilliant idea.

Oh, thank God because I thought

we were gonna have to unpack his creepy gym teacher thing.

Back in college, Jesse and I came up with

th-this incredible motivational technique.

- Hell yeah. - Right?

- So some people respond to rewards. - Hm...

Others respond to the fear of punishment.

That's right.

So we combined the two

- to create rewardishments. - Hm...

Say we needed to get some laundry done.

We'd give ourselves a deadline,

and if we made it, we'd reward ourselves with, say,

But, if we didn't, we'd punish ourselves.

Three, two, one.

Hot tip.

Always pee before you tase.

I say we give ourselves 48 hours

to accomplish our goals.

If one of us fails, we all get punished.

But if we all succeed, we get a sweet, sweet reward.

Ooh! Reward pitch. Have a group sleepover

and put all of our beds together to create

one giant bed.

- Like a mega bed? - You bet your ass!

Alright, alright. We've got a reward.

Now, the punishment.

I got it!

The nastiest thing...

in this bar...

is the drink mat.

Full of, uh-huh,

what we in the industry call "the drippings."

All the spillage from all those drinks.

So, I'm saying if, 48 hours from now,

one of us fails to accomplish our goal,

we each take a shot at the drippings.

No!

Okay, we're doing this!

Shave, chug, drive, drive, confront Rhonda.

Let's go, team!

Wait, Jesse!

- Yeah? - What is your thing?

My thing? Oh, well, I-I'm terrible at remembering people's goals,

but, hey! I just did it, so that's one down, five to go.

Good luck, you guys!

Alright, fine.

There is...

one thing I've never been able to accomplish.

Back in my competitive hooping days,

there was one trick I could never master.

The "vertical lasso catch and release."

It, uh...

Kept me from going to nationals in Orlando.

Okay. You heard the man. This is his... creepy goal.

Okay. Everybody has their thing.

Rewardishment timer starts... now.

Hey, look at you, J-Dog! You're doing your trick.

No, I'm not. This is just regular hooping.

Jesse, we're just trying to be supportive.

Nobody gets what you're trying to do.

I already told you! A vertical lasso catch and release.

The hoop is supposed to dance up my body, like a playful snake,

and then launch into the air, and then I catch it on my leg.

What about this don't you understand?

Why you want to do it,

how it fits in with the rest of your personality,

and why you ran out to buy new underwear just for this?

They're not just underwear, okay? Those are regulation satin hula boxers.

Do you want me to get "hoop hip"?

No, dude, we want you to do your trick, so we can move on to our stuff.

Was that the catch or the release?

You barely consumed a single drop.

There might be more beer in the glass now.

This is supposed to be a safe space.

- There's really nothing to it. - Mm-hmm.

Slow and steady. With the grain.

Okay. Alright. Here goes nothing.

Okay.

- Whoa, whoa. Get the... - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Sid! - Okay! Okay!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, hey, m-maybe you're not ready.

Rhonda, enough is enough.

This is a shared workspace, and I need you to respect that.

Perfect.

Firm, clear, fair. The Ellen way.

- What's the Ellen way? - Oh, my God...

Nothing. I-I'm sorry.

Rhonda, we need to talk.

Me first.

I got us an office snake.

Don't mind the smell.

Reptile musk is a defense mechanism,

and my girl is very on edge.

Jesse, I choked.

I need you to teach me how to express my anger.

What makes you think I know how to express my anger?

Damn it, you fickle disgrace of a toy!

You're nothing compared to a jump rope!

You piece of... Yeah, no, I-I can help you. I think it's...

Oh, my God. $500 for driving school?

That's like a hundred $5 footlongs!

Wow. I just did that in my head.

Damn. You're like a Goodwill Hunter.

Doesn't matter. We have to learn how to drive

because we don't wanna drink the drippings.

Hm...

Hi, Sophie and Valentina?

My name is Phyllis.

I've taught 4,000 people how to drive,

including the two Gyllenhaal siblings.

I just need you to pass a little eye exam.

Uh-huh.

- Whisper the answers to me. - What? Why?

I can't see for shit, okay? Just help me.

- G. - C!

G. What are you, deaf, too?

G.

E.

C.

No. E.

Clearly you're cheating.

Sophie, I'll go get your enrollment paperwork.

Valentina, get your eyes checked.

Wait. You can't see?

It's not that bad!

I can see things up close, just not far away.

Okay, so why don't you wear glasses?

Ew, what am I, a liberal arts professor?

Okay, contacts.

I'm scared of touching my eyes.

I wanna change my goal.

I need to learn how to put in contacts.

I'll allow it.

What is happening here?

Well, I decided to practice on a zone where no one would see it if I cut myself.

Absolutely shredded my taint, so...

onto the legs. Right. Okay...

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm doing it. Look!

I'm shaving! SOPHIE: You are!

I'm like a regular Michael Phelps!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!

- Oh shit! Are you okay? - There's a lot of blood!

Put pressure on it. Put pressure on it!

It's fine. It's fine. Honestly, it's just a little nick.

Oh, my God! I'm gonna die! Oh! Oh, my God!

Sophie, if I die, you can have my garden gnome collection,

but find them a nice place in the sun, would you... Oh, my God...

Hey! SID: Okay. Okay, that's enough!

That's enough! I'm taking you to the hospital, okay!?

- Oh! My... - Put...

Just keep pressure on it! You're really bleeding, dude!

Jesus Christ...

Oh! Careful with my taint! Ah!

S-so I told the kidnapper that you can carve me up all you want.

Just, just let the girl go.

I know you cut yourself shaving.

Hey. You're a nurse.

What gave it away?

Well, I'm pretty sure I have this medical condition

that prevents me from chugging beer. Do you know what it's called?

I saw two patients die this morning.

From what I have?

Dude, this sucks! We're gonna have to drink all the drippings,

and it's gonna be my fault.

No, it won't. It'll be mine.

I mean, I'm way too scared to try shaving myself again.

If only there was another way I could practice.

Someone will be right in to shave you for surgery, Mr. Smithyman.

Okay. I'll be Rhonda, and you just be you.

And just tell me how you feel about me, alright? Let 'er rip.

Okay. It's about to rip.

Here we go.

Hey, Ellen. It's me, Rhonda.

I'm a big old jerk who likes chicken,

but not jerk chicken. Just chicken-chicken!

I can't rip to this.

Y-you sound like Julia Child.

Also, the vibe in here is nothing like my office.

Okay, just focus, alright?

W-we're not in my apartment. We're in your office.

My pizza bagel's ready.

I mean, my chicken bagel's ready.

Good day!

Ready for your shave?

Ready as I'll ever be.

Oh, yeah. I feel you there.

Right.

Hey...

Hey, look at this. I'm doing it.

- What? - What?

Cross me off the list.

I am a shaver!

A celebratory drink to celebrate my smooth face,

and Mr. Smithyman's successful triple bypass.

Am I touching my eye?

No.

Someone come help push the back of my neck!

To my success,

and to being one step closer to mega-bed.

Ah!

Spicy! Spicy?

Why is champagne spicy?

[singing quietly]: ♪ Squeezing peppers is such fun ♪

♪ Squeezing peppers to burn Sid's tongue ♪

- Ooh. Oh man! - Look at that. We haven't got any water.

We've only got this pint of beer.

Mm... Mm...

Ah...

I did it.

I just chugged a beer!

And I'm keeping it down! Okay, thank you, Charlie!

I always knew there was a chugger inside of you,

just waiting to chug.

Hey, look at that! I did me.

I did Sid. Valentina...

Why don't I put the contact in your eye to show you that it's no big deal?

Hit me.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow! My eye is burning! What the hell is happening?

Probably had a bit of residual pepper juice on my fingers...

I need to go to a hospital!

Okay! Hospital!

- Ow! Ow! - This way. This way.

- There we go! - Here we go! Here we go!

You're doing great, sweetheart.

Thank you!

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little distracted by the students in the back.

Okay, make a left here.

Actually, can we do left turns last?

I'm more of a "three rights" kind of gal.

Hey! This is driving school, not...

"bump and grind" academy! Now, quit it!

I think I'm having a heart attack!

Can a single woman have a widow-maker?

Oh, my God! Oh God! Okay. Oh, my God.

You're gonna be okay. You're...

Oh, snap. She's, like, dying.

Th-there's a hospital right up here.

Y-you should make a left.

D-do we have time for three rights?

Left!

Make a left! Make a left!

Okay, we're here. Let's Rhonda you up.

What does that mean?

Put on her blazer,

and, uh... Ooh!

Okay.

Pretty weird.

Mm...

Bingo.

Ellen!

A little lower, like... Ellen.

- Ellen. - That's too low. Ellen.

- Ellen? - That's perfect!

Ah!

What are you doing here?

I came to feed my snake. Why is that man wearing my clothes?

Where's Sonna Plane?

- She's out of her terrarium! - We don't know!

Wait, is there a snake on the loose?

Why did you name your snake Sonna Plane?

Oh.

I see what you did there, Rhonda. It's... Ah!

Oh! M-my brother got bit by a snake!

I also have a mole I'd like to have checked.

- Okay. - Guys, what are you doing here?

Wait, Sophie? Why are you here?

My driving instructor had a heart attack!

Um, your friend choked and couldn't make a left turn,

- so I had to drive her to the hospital. - It was so hot.

Hickey for the hero?

You really need to grow up.

We're gonna have to wash your eye in a variety of liquids.

You're gonna need three washes, six drops,

cold gel, warm gel,

then back to two more washes,

probably another gel,

we're gonna go for about four more drops, and then...

Contacts have made contact.

Hoo, after what my eyes have been through today,

there's nothing they can't handle.

That's what you guys look like?

Wow. Most of you look pretty good.

Cross my name off, too!

- Wait, you told off Rhonda? - Oh, yeah.

Somebody suck the poison out!

There's no poison. I had her poison bags removed.

Your father's being a real sissy.

Did she say "father"?

You know what, Rhonda? Enough.

You can crowd my workspace and stink up this office with chicken,

but you do not mess with Jesse.

Jesse, I'm doing it! I'm telling her off!

So proud of you. Can we please go to the hospital now?

Oh!

And then, I was like, "Take that, bitch!"

But, I-I kept that inside

because I would never say bitch.

Well, only a few hours before midnight,

and we still have two people on the board.

- You want me to teach you how to drive? - Fine.

But you have to let me teach you how to hula hoop.

- You spin? - No, of course not.

Okay, now that the car's in drive,

you're going to slowly lift your foot off the brake

and very gently apply that same foot to the gas pedal.

Very good. Well done.

I've never heard you speak in this weird, gentle voice before.

Oh yeah, it's my elementary school teacher voice.

It's how I talk to keep the kids from peeing themselves

when I take their smartphones away.

There is absolutely no pressure, okay? But,

- we've got a left-hand turn coming up. - Oh...

So, we're just going to turn on your blinker

- and get into the left lane... - Okay.

out into the intersection.

Coast is clear...

Ah! I'm doing it!

- I'm turning left! - Mm-hmm.

Check this out!

- And another left! - Mm-hmm.

And another left!

Ha! I'm a professional driver.

One-way street!

Ho...

Why don't we celebrate, huh?

I just learned how to drive. I don't think I should be boozing.

But if you wanna be the designated driver...

Well, that's sparkling cider, but I appreciate how responsible you are.

Ah. Aw...

We're almost out of time.

You gonna practice your hoop trick or what?

Mm. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to do it.

- You don't know that. - Yeah, I do.

It-it's a mental thing.

I mean, the truth is, I actually could do the vertical lasso for a while,

and then I just lost it.

Remember that video I showed you, the moment where I dropped the hoop?

That's 'cause I just realized that my mom hadn't shown up.

She was supposed to fly in from Iowa, and she flaked, and I don't know.

There's something about not having a single family member

in the audience to support me, you know?

- Oh. - Yeah.

Oy...

So, what...

What does a perfect vertical lasso catch and release...

- Yeah. - even look like?

It truly does not matter.

Come on. Show me.

Okay. Okay. Here.

Alright, well...

here's a video

of my favorite hooper doing it.

Shut up. She was a legend, alright?

I used to have her posters all over my room as a kid.

- Oh, I bet you did. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

She's pure magic.

I love that you're so into this.

Ooh, look at that. You...

- matched with Dana. - Uh, yeah.

I'm sorry. That wasn't, uh...

Oh. No. Why are you sorry?

I don't know. Um, I'm not, I guess?

I didn't know that you were back on the apps.

Yeah. I was... I mean, it's all very new, you know?

I just figured it's been a while since Meredith, so...

Oh, totally.

I think it's great.

Cool. Thanks.

- We should get back. - Yeah.

Oh!

I know that I can drive now,

but I will not be your personal chauffeur.

Ho ho! Excuse me. Okay.

She can drive!

Cross her name off the list!

And my vertical lasso catch and release...

isn't gonna happen.

Why would you say it like that?

Sorry, guys. I'll do the honors of lining up the drippings.

Seriously? You're not even gonna try?

You said you couldn't do it without family...

Is there more to that?

I was gonna say that we're your family, but then that felt so corny, so I bailed.

But we're almost out of time, so just try it!

Screw it. Charlie! Assemble my collapsible hoop!

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Sis! Put on Darude's 1999 EDM hit Sandstorm.

Just look it up.

Oh!

Uh-oh!

Yeah, get it, baby!

- Oh! - Jesse! Jesse! Jesse! Yeah!

Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!

Yes! Yes!

Yeah!

Guys...

It's 10 minutes past the deadline. We didn't make the cut.

What?

No, it's good enough! We...

We were so close. It's good enough!

No!

Them's the rules.

We've gotta drink the drippings.

And that's how I learned to drive.

And how we all got bacterial meningitis.

♪ How dare you want more ♪

♪ How dare you want more ♪

♪ Preacher preacher's calling from the floor ♪

♪ Man of secrets, two lives that he's been living ♪

♪ Stolen identity, stolen dreaming ♪

♪ Who is he if he just go and tell it like it is? ♪

♪ I'll bet he's dying to know, but how dare you want more ♪

♪ How dare you want more ♪

♪ Preacher preacher calling from the floor ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey... ♪