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1
00:00:05,090 --> 00:00:08,342
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
2
00:00:08,343 --> 00:00:12,472
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
3
00:00:16,101 --> 00:00:17,602
Honey, um...
4
00:00:19,104 --> 00:00:21,106
There's something you
should know about your mom.
5
00:00:21,962 --> 00:00:23,296
I'm a dirty liar.
6
00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:24,511
Oh, my God.
7
00:00:24,536 --> 00:00:27,539
Is this endless story you're
telling not even true?
8
00:00:28,310 --> 00:00:29,905
Of course, it is!
9
00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:32,783
I quit lying last
year when I turned 40.
10
00:00:32,784 --> 00:00:35,077
- Mom...
- Don't.
11
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:37,288
But back in the day,
compulsive lying,
12
00:00:37,289 --> 00:00:39,498
well, it was kind of my jam.
13
00:00:39,499 --> 00:00:42,002
Especially when I
was feeling insecure.
14
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:45,379
And waiting to hear from the
gallery if my photos sold
15
00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:47,673
was making me hella insecure.
16
00:00:47,674 --> 00:00:49,508
- You know you can actually
get a ticket for that.
17
00:00:49,509 --> 00:00:50,885
It's called
"distracted walking."
18
00:00:50,886 --> 00:00:53,679
- Oh, I forgot you
minored in sidewalk law.
19
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,599
Plus, I am not even distracted.
20
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,435
That yoga class
really centered me.
21
00:00:59,436 --> 00:01:02,021
Oh, excuse me.
22
00:01:02,022 --> 00:01:04,106
Pardon me.
Sorry. Important call.
23
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:05,984
Life-changing moment! Sorry!
24
00:01:06,735 --> 00:01:08,737
Hello? Uh-huh.
25
00:01:09,613 --> 00:01:11,990
Really? That's amazing.
26
00:01:12,574 --> 00:01:14,576
Thank you so much
for the phone call.
27
00:01:15,911 --> 00:01:17,412
Turns out, that wasn't my phone.
28
00:01:18,663 --> 00:01:22,000
But, uh, Brooke, your dog's
operation was a success.
29
00:01:24,961 --> 00:01:26,253
Wait, is that...
30
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,755
Meredith!
31
00:01:27,756 --> 00:01:30,424
This is not how I wanted
to meet her. I look gross!
32
00:01:30,425 --> 00:01:33,427
She's a pop star whose
single is breaking out,
33
00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:36,640
and I'm a struggling photographer whose
face is breaking out. Look at this!
34
00:01:38,475 --> 00:01:40,309
That was a piece of nougat.
35
00:01:40,310 --> 00:01:43,062
- Yeah, so it's all been
kind of a whirlwind.
36
00:01:43,063 --> 00:01:44,480
I did the Today show yesterday,
37
00:01:44,481 --> 00:01:47,691
I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow,
and Last Week Tonight next week.
38
00:01:47,692 --> 00:01:49,526
- Plus, she's got The
Late Late Show on Friday,
39
00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:52,279
and then that segment for Sunday
Morning later that afternoon.
40
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,365
- You're a Saturday Night
Live Thursday pre-shoot away
41
00:01:54,366 --> 00:01:56,158
from having the world's
most confusing schedule.
42
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,409
Ugh, come on!
43
00:01:57,410 --> 00:01:59,453
You know, it's been days
since I gave Rachel my number,
44
00:01:59,454 --> 00:02:02,206
and she still has it texted me
yet! But, she has time to tweet
45
00:02:02,207 --> 00:02:05,292
that Sarah Paulson was a
revelation as Roseanne Barr?
46
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,669
That was Sarah Paulson in
47
00:02:06,670 --> 00:02:08,922
The Life and
Unhinging of Roseanne Barr?
48
00:02:09,756 --> 00:02:11,258
What a chameleon!
49
00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:16,303
Oh. Sid, my beer is all foam.
50
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:19,431
- It's called head, not foam.
- Oh.
51
00:02:19,432 --> 00:02:21,475
- Well then, why'd you
give me so much head?
52
00:02:21,476 --> 00:02:23,602
- Oh!
- Head!
53
00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:25,771
- Clean it up, Meredith.
This is a family bar.
54
00:02:25,772 --> 00:02:28,607
- No worries. I'll take
it. Old J-Boy loves head.
55
00:02:28,608 --> 00:02:31,026
- Ah, love it when you
push the envelope, bro!
56
00:02:31,027 --> 00:02:32,236
What...
57
00:02:32,237 --> 00:02:34,948
Oh hey, what is
Sophie doing outside?
58
00:02:35,574 --> 00:02:38,242
- Babe, you gotta blend. You
look like the clown from It.
59
00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:39,618
- From what?
- From It.
60
00:02:39,619 --> 00:02:40,995
- From what?
- From It!
61
00:02:40,996 --> 00:02:42,329
It is the name of the movie.
62
00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,872
What is the name of the movie?!
63
00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:46,334
You know everyone
can see you, right?
64
00:02:49,421 --> 00:02:51,755
You wanna stop being
weird and come inside?
65
00:02:51,756 --> 00:02:53,883
I don't know. It's
gonna be so awkward.
66
00:02:53,884 --> 00:02:57,011
Jesse probably told her about our
thing. I'm sure she's threatened by it.
67
00:02:57,012 --> 00:02:59,138
- Nope. She doesn't care.
- Damn it.
68
00:02:59,139 --> 00:03:01,015
God, that makes
it so much worse.
69
00:03:01,016 --> 00:03:03,017
Of course, Meredith
isn't threatened by me.
70
00:03:03,018 --> 00:03:04,768
She just released Song
of the Year, and I...
71
00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:07,187
I just sold a photo for
a crazy amount of money.
72
00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:08,856
Wow. Good for you!
73
00:03:08,857 --> 00:03:11,483
- Did she sell it?
- No! She's going full Elizabeth Holmes.
74
00:03:11,484 --> 00:03:14,945
- Yeah, it was a huge bidding war
between the Prince of Liechtenstein,
75
00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:16,447
the CFO of Barry's Bootcamp,
76
00:03:16,448 --> 00:03:19,074
and the sisters from Sister
Sister. And just to be clear,
77
00:03:19,075 --> 00:03:22,078
the Sister Sister sisters were not
bidding together as sisters, so...
78
00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:25,039
Like I said,
79
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,416
I had a small lying problem.
80
00:03:27,417 --> 00:03:30,002
- Mom...
- A medium lying problem.
81
00:03:30,003 --> 00:03:31,295
- Mom!
- Okay, fine.
82
00:03:31,296 --> 00:03:33,923
It was a huge
problem, okay?
83
00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:40,847
- Ellen, watching Rachel's door
isn't gonna make her ask you out.
84
00:03:41,306 --> 00:03:44,476
Just like more water isn't gonna
bring back Planthony Hopkins.
85
00:03:44,851 --> 00:03:46,611
- Do you think she
changed her mind about me?
86
00:03:46,895 --> 00:03:49,438
Of course, she did. Am I ugly?
87
00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:51,273
Charlie, you'd tell me
if I was ugly, right?
88
00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:54,152
- Of course. I always tell
ugly people when they're ugly.
89
00:03:54,986 --> 00:03:57,154
Why do you think the fuggo
super won't fix our sink?
90
00:03:57,155 --> 00:03:59,157
You're right. I'm a dime.
91
00:04:00,325 --> 00:04:02,952
It must be my
garbage personality.
92
00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:05,162
Ellen, if your
personality is garbage,
93
00:04:05,163 --> 00:04:06,705
then call me a raccoon
94
00:04:06,706 --> 00:04:08,500
because I love it.
95
00:04:08,917 --> 00:04:11,335
- Aw. Well, then
call me an ambulance
96
00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:14,047
because that compliment
damn near killed me.
97
00:04:14,673 --> 00:04:16,924
- You just need to remind
Rachel how great you are.
98
00:04:16,925 --> 00:04:19,927
So, we are gonna
spruce this place up,
99
00:04:19,928 --> 00:04:21,637
gonna put on our Sunday best,
100
00:04:21,638 --> 00:04:24,515
and then leave the
door playfully ajar.
101
00:04:24,516 --> 00:04:27,561
When Rachel walks by, she won't
be able to resist asking you out.
102
00:04:30,522 --> 00:04:32,982
The only flaw in your plan is
103
00:04:32,983 --> 00:04:34,526
it's so bad in here.
104
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,361
Yes. Should've
had that threesome
105
00:04:37,362 --> 00:04:39,781
with Chip and Joanna Gaines
while I had the chance.
106
00:04:41,199 --> 00:04:43,158
Grilled cheese, coming in hot!
107
00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:45,744
- Yes! This man is a
grilled cheese maestro.
108
00:04:45,745 --> 00:04:48,247
He's like the Eddie
Vedder of cheddar. May I?
109
00:04:48,248 --> 00:04:50,249
- Dude, you never have to
ask about sharing stuff.
110
00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:52,626
- Ooh...
- Food, shampoo, a journal...
111
00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:54,962
- Okay, we've discussed this. I'm
not sharing a journal with you.
112
00:04:54,963 --> 00:04:57,464
- I'm still gonna leave every other
page blank in case you change your mind.
113
00:04:57,465 --> 00:05:00,050
- I'm gonna go get some ranch.
- Yeah, ranch it up, baby!
114
00:05:00,051 --> 00:05:01,468
Mm, yum.
115
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,888
- Hey, hey, hey! Don't even
think about eating one of these.
116
00:05:03,889 --> 00:05:05,723
- These are for me and Jesse.
- Seriously?
117
00:05:05,724 --> 00:05:07,474
- There's, like, six of them.
- Yeah. Yeah!
118
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,060
Two for me. Four for
him. Zero for you.
119
00:05:10,061 --> 00:05:11,146
He's a hungry boy.
120
00:05:11,855 --> 00:05:13,022
Babe, you want ketchup, too?
121
00:05:13,023 --> 00:05:14,607
Uh, yes, please.
122
00:05:16,234 --> 00:05:18,861
- Just give me one, you freak.
- Meredith, stop it.
123
00:05:18,862 --> 00:05:20,029
- Give it to me...
- No! No!
124
00:05:20,030 --> 00:05:21,572
- Come on, I'm hungry, too!
- You don't get
125
00:05:21,573 --> 00:05:23,657
everything you want, sweetie!
126
00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:25,285
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What is happening?
127
00:05:25,952 --> 00:05:29,204
- I don't know. All I did was offer
her a scrumptious grilled cheese.
128
00:05:29,205 --> 00:05:31,165
He's lying! He won't give me one
129
00:05:31,166 --> 00:05:32,833
because you're a hungry boy.
130
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:34,835
What? Okay.
131
00:05:34,836 --> 00:05:36,879
Can everyone please
just chill out?
132
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,882
Sid, I know you're still mad at
Meredith about the whole proposal thing,
133
00:05:39,883 --> 00:05:42,551
but we're hanging out again,
and it's feeling really good.
134
00:05:42,552 --> 00:05:44,511
Yeah. I've had
issues with Meredith
135
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,222
way before she clowned you
in front of the nation.
136
00:05:46,223 --> 00:05:48,265
- Oh, really? What are they?
- I...
137
00:05:48,266 --> 00:05:51,143
Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea.
138
00:05:51,144 --> 00:05:53,687
When I was writing my album
in Sweden with Taag and Bjorn,
139
00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:57,399
we did a Stor Dela Med Sig,
or airing of grievances,
140
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,486
and it really helped.
What do you think?
141
00:06:00,487 --> 00:06:03,239
Okay, well, counter
pitch to that idea.
142
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,574
Uh, what if instead of airing
those grievances, right,
143
00:06:05,575 --> 00:06:07,576
we just bottle
those bad boys up.
144
00:06:07,577 --> 00:06:10,496
We bury them deep
inside us. Uh, forever.
145
00:06:10,497 --> 00:06:11,497
Mm...
146
00:06:11,498 --> 00:06:13,749
- The Swedish have never
really steered me wrong.
147
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:16,794
Not on meatballs,
massages, or house mafias.
148
00:06:16,795 --> 00:06:18,338
- Hm.
- I'm in.
149
00:06:24,636 --> 00:06:27,721
- I thought it went gangbusters
with Meredith earlier, no?
150
00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:30,182
Um... Yeah.
151
00:06:30,183 --> 00:06:32,851
Except that literally
everything you said was untrue.
152
00:06:32,852 --> 00:06:34,228
Okay, fine.
153
00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,522
I told a couple of
harmless fiblets
154
00:06:36,523 --> 00:06:38,315
to feel better about myself.
155
00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:39,525
But who cares?
156
00:06:39,526 --> 00:06:42,695
And I know you lie about your
age. You do it all the time.
157
00:06:42,696 --> 00:06:44,572
One senior ticket
158
00:06:44,573 --> 00:06:47,576
for the 2:45 Avatar.
159
00:06:47,951 --> 00:06:51,245
That's not a lie.
That is a performance.
160
00:06:51,246 --> 00:06:52,788
That shit takes commitment.
161
00:06:57,544 --> 00:07:00,212
- Ramona. Hey!
- Sophie.
162
00:07:00,213 --> 00:07:03,215
I... I'm in early labor.
I think it's almost time.
163
00:07:03,216 --> 00:07:05,218
- Oh, my God. It's almost time!
- Yeah.
164
00:07:06,011 --> 00:07:08,637
You know Ramona from 5C?
165
00:07:08,638 --> 00:07:10,848
She hired me to
photograph her home birth.
166
00:07:10,849 --> 00:07:12,933
- Oh, so, the landlord will let
her give birth in her apartment,
167
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:14,268
but I can't own a snake?
168
00:07:14,269 --> 00:07:16,979
- Okay, well, why don't you
grab your stuff and come on up?
169
00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:18,314
The midwife is
running a little late,
170
00:07:18,315 --> 00:07:20,275
so you're fine setting up
the birthing tub, right?
171
00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,290
Since you've shot a
bunch of home births.
172
00:07:22,694 --> 00:07:24,486
Okay...
173
00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,488
I'm gonna go lay down.
174
00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:28,074
Kinda wish I just texted you.
175
00:07:31,786 --> 00:07:34,330
Sophie. Why does Ramona think
176
00:07:34,331 --> 00:07:36,583
you have so much experience
with home births?
177
00:07:38,126 --> 00:07:39,543
I've shot so many home births,
178
00:07:39,544 --> 00:07:42,046
I could practically perform one.
179
00:07:43,215 --> 00:07:46,508
- Really? 'Cause your portfolio
is mostly corporate headshots
180
00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:48,553
- and pet autopsies.
- Yeah.
181
00:07:49,888 --> 00:07:53,807
That's because a lot of my
clients are pretty high profile.
182
00:07:53,808 --> 00:07:56,727
I mean, it
has been NDA after NDA.
183
00:07:56,728 --> 00:07:59,688
And I can't name names, but...
184
00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:02,943
one of my client's names rhymes
with Schmilaria Schmaldwin.
185
00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:04,526
Or should I say...
186
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:05,946
Schmilaria!
187
00:08:06,655 --> 00:08:07,988
Sophie!
188
00:08:07,989 --> 00:08:11,493
- Okay, okay, fine.
Okay. So, I lie... a lot.
189
00:08:12,827 --> 00:08:14,995
But not as much as Schmilaria.
190
00:08:21,336 --> 00:08:23,630
I gotta say, this home birth
thing...
191
00:08:24,089 --> 00:08:25,923
- not that hard.
- Soph...
192
00:08:28,593 --> 00:08:31,887
- Oh, shit! Soph...
- What?
193
00:08:31,888 --> 00:08:32,972
There's a pump.
194
00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:37,434
But, now that that's done,
195
00:08:37,435 --> 00:08:39,853
I can get back to what
I actually know about,
196
00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:42,273
which is taking
photos of Ramona's...
197
00:08:42,274 --> 00:08:43,608
vagina.
198
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:46,569
- Ah!
- Ah!
199
00:08:46,570 --> 00:08:48,571
- Oh, my God, that water's,
like, a thousand degrees.
200
00:08:48,572 --> 00:08:51,031
Okay, okay, okay.
New plan. Um...
201
00:08:51,032 --> 00:08:52,866
She's gonna give
birth on the couch.
202
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,243
And then we're gonna
buy her a new couch,
203
00:08:54,244 --> 00:08:57,162
and then we're gonna spend our
entire lives paying off the couch.
204
00:08:57,163 --> 00:08:58,747
What? Soph, just...
205
00:08:58,748 --> 00:09:00,583
Just tell Ramona you don't
know what you're doing.
206
00:09:00,584 --> 00:09:04,211
- No. I can't. I need
to do a good job here.
207
00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:07,548
- Why? You won't even need gigs
like this once you sell your photo.
208
00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:10,175
What if I never sell it?
209
00:09:10,176 --> 00:09:13,013
What if this is as
good as it gets for me?
210
00:09:16,474 --> 00:09:18,393
- Fine. Let's... Let's
cool down this tub.
211
00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:22,646
No!
212
00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:25,065
No! My lungs are
not ready for that.
213
00:09:29,487 --> 00:09:31,780
Okay, Sid! Grievances time!
214
00:09:31,781 --> 00:09:33,490
- Hey, you know what? Maybe
instead of grievances,
215
00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:36,328
we just do like a compliment circle
instead. Here, I'll go first.
216
00:09:37,287 --> 00:09:39,539
You fine, girl. Okay,
now, it's your turn.
217
00:09:40,373 --> 00:09:42,708
- Let's do this.
- God, they're color-coded?
218
00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:45,044
Okay. I didn't get
to all of them,
219
00:09:45,045 --> 00:09:46,253
but this is a good start.
220
00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:48,088
You sneeze like a toddler.
221
00:09:48,089 --> 00:09:49,840
I have a deviated septum.
222
00:09:49,841 --> 00:09:52,343
Your favorite movie
is La La Land.
223
00:09:52,344 --> 00:09:55,971
- They shut down a
freeway and danced on it.
224
00:09:55,972 --> 00:09:58,015
Your text sound is wind chimes,
225
00:09:58,016 --> 00:09:59,516
you psycho! JESSE: Hey!
226
00:09:59,517 --> 00:10:02,061
- No name-calling, alright?
And these are all very petty.
227
00:10:02,062 --> 00:10:04,355
Maybe we can just
fast-forward to the end.
228
00:10:04,356 --> 00:10:06,857
- Oh, yeah? You wanna
skip to the grand finale?
229
00:10:06,858 --> 00:10:08,318
And I'm talking, of course,
230
00:10:09,027 --> 00:10:10,528
of the Burrito Incident.
231
00:10:11,196 --> 00:10:12,529
What Burrito Incident?
232
00:10:12,530 --> 00:10:15,908
- 'Twas the day of Jesse's first music
recital at the elementary school.
233
00:10:15,909 --> 00:10:18,661
And he'd been working with these
kids for months, preparing.
234
00:10:18,662 --> 00:10:20,996
Unrelated, I just
started lifting.
235
00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:23,499
I was getting swole, I
started doing meal prep.
236
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:26,669
I made burritos for the week,
each one with fresh salsa,
237
00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:29,548
homemade pinto beans,
and a smidge of love.
238
00:10:30,131 --> 00:10:32,925
As I was leaving for work,
Jesse, you said you were
239
00:10:32,926 --> 00:10:35,177
so excited
for the recital.
240
00:10:35,178 --> 00:10:37,221
And Meredith, you said you were
241
00:10:37,222 --> 00:10:39,682
too sick
to go. Cough, cough.
242
00:10:39,683 --> 00:10:41,976
On my way out, I told you both,
243
00:10:41,977 --> 00:10:44,436
"Don't touch my burritos."
244
00:10:44,437 --> 00:10:46,648
And then, "Smell you later."
245
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:50,526
So glad you don't
say that anymore.
246
00:10:50,527 --> 00:10:53,487
- Anyway, that night, I
returned home before the recital
247
00:10:53,488 --> 00:10:55,155
because I forgot the
flowers I got Jesse.
248
00:10:55,156 --> 00:10:57,074
And that's when I saw it.
249
00:10:58,535 --> 00:11:00,369
Wednesday.
250
00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:03,914
As I looked closer, I saw
a trail of pinto beans.
251
00:11:03,915 --> 00:11:06,625
And on the other
side of the door...
252
00:11:06,626 --> 00:11:10,004
Oh! Mm!
253
00:11:10,005 --> 00:11:13,173
- I was stuck at home,
starving with a 102 fever,
254
00:11:13,174 --> 00:11:14,759
bummed about missing
the recital and...
255
00:11:16,303 --> 00:11:17,679
I shouldn't have
eaten your food.
256
00:11:18,471 --> 00:11:19,471
I'm sorry.
257
00:11:19,472 --> 00:11:21,974
- Yes! Okay! An apology.
See? That's progress.
258
00:11:21,975 --> 00:11:23,684
Now, please, just
hug and make up.
259
00:11:23,685 --> 00:11:25,394
Okay, as a... as a
child of divorce,
260
00:11:25,395 --> 00:11:27,605
all this conflict is making
me very uncomfortable.
261
00:11:27,606 --> 00:11:29,857
You guys keep at it, you're
gonna have to promise
262
00:11:29,858 --> 00:11:32,777
to take me to Six Flags to make
up for it. And then never do.
263
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:35,487
And then buy me a
Six Flags T-shirt
264
00:11:35,488 --> 00:11:37,781
and gaslight me into thinking
we went by saying things like,
265
00:11:37,782 --> 00:11:40,262
"Well, if we didn't go, where'd
you get that T-shirt?"
266
00:11:40,869 --> 00:11:42,077
Let's get back to
the Burrito Incident.
267
00:11:42,078 --> 00:11:44,163
- I think we're done with
the Burrito Incident.
268
00:11:44,164 --> 00:11:47,207
You wish, 'Dith! There's more.
269
00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:48,334
Oh, great! There's more!
270
00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:50,794
I'm having a scotch! I'ma do
a scotch. You want a scotch?
271
00:11:50,795 --> 00:11:52,421
You two both look like
you could use a scotch.
272
00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:54,925
Three scotches coming
up! Okey-dokey!
273
00:11:56,843 --> 00:11:58,469
We need to talk.
274
00:12:02,224 --> 00:12:04,183
So? How do I look?
275
00:12:04,184 --> 00:12:05,726
Like a million pounds.
276
00:12:05,727 --> 00:12:06,852
Hey!
277
00:12:06,853 --> 00:12:08,395
- The currency, not
the weight measurement.
278
00:12:08,396 --> 00:12:10,314
- Oh. Aw.
- Now...
279
00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:11,774
for the final step.
280
00:12:11,775 --> 00:12:13,568
We crack the door...
281
00:12:14,319 --> 00:12:16,529
and wait to hook
us a Rachel fish.
282
00:12:18,281 --> 00:12:21,033
So, I
told Cara Delevingne,
283
00:12:21,034 --> 00:12:23,535
"I don't have time to
go to your hotel room.
284
00:12:23,536 --> 00:12:25,871
I'm flying to Mykonos,
business class."
285
00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:27,748
- You mean first class.
- I mean first class!
286
00:12:27,749 --> 00:12:30,752
- Knock, knock!
- Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?
287
00:12:31,127 --> 00:12:33,879
The door was open, so we
figured you wanted company.
288
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,507
- I love what you have
done with the place!
289
00:12:36,508 --> 00:12:38,342
- My God, Ellen, we've
hooked the wrong fish.
290
00:12:38,343 --> 00:12:39,802
Throw them back.
Throw them back.
291
00:12:39,803 --> 00:12:41,345
I'm Julian. This is Maury.
292
00:12:41,346 --> 00:12:44,014
We moved in together
when our wives died.
293
00:12:44,015 --> 00:12:45,599
We don't know if they died.
294
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,434
They just... disappeared.
295
00:12:47,435 --> 00:12:50,479
On safari, 27 years ago!
296
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,314
Man, they found bones!
297
00:12:52,315 --> 00:12:54,650
They found one bone!
298
00:12:54,651 --> 00:12:55,818
We saw the door open.
299
00:12:55,819 --> 00:12:58,404
Building party? Nice!
300
00:12:58,405 --> 00:12:59,697
- Oh, no, we're not having a...
301
00:12:59,698 --> 00:13:02,575
- Building party! Come on
in! The more the merrier!
302
00:13:02,576 --> 00:13:03,576
What are you doing?
303
00:13:03,577 --> 00:13:04,785
If Rachel passes by
304
00:13:04,786 --> 00:13:06,745
and we're talking spousal
remains with Maury and Julian,
305
00:13:06,746 --> 00:13:08,163
then you are as
dead as their wives.
306
00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:09,748
Who wants a spritz?
307
00:13:10,959 --> 00:13:12,836
Okay.
308
00:13:14,129 --> 00:13:15,754
I ran down to our
apartment. I grabbed this.
309
00:13:15,755 --> 00:13:16,964
Yes. Ice!
310
00:13:16,965 --> 00:13:18,507
Nope! Shrimp.
311
00:13:22,053 --> 00:13:24,430
- Did you just pour a shit-ton
of frozen shrimp in a tub
312
00:13:24,431 --> 00:13:26,682
that a woman's about
to give birth in?
313
00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:28,225
- Yeah.
- Why?
314
00:13:28,226 --> 00:13:29,644
The ice trays were empty!
315
00:13:30,645 --> 00:13:32,813
It's fine! We'll just stir them
around to cool down the water,
316
00:13:32,814 --> 00:13:35,150
and then we'll... take
them out with this.
317
00:13:35,901 --> 00:13:37,318
Okay.
318
00:13:44,451 --> 00:13:45,951
So, how was the new Avatar?
319
00:13:45,952 --> 00:13:48,203
- I liked it.
- Worth the wait?
320
00:13:48,204 --> 00:13:50,039
Yeah, I think so.
321
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,874
Good to know.
322
00:13:53,835 --> 00:13:56,337
It's cooler. We did it!
323
00:13:56,338 --> 00:13:57,880
Let's get the shrimp out.
324
00:14:00,091 --> 00:14:02,384
I bet that's the gallery. Oh...
325
00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:04,721
Boy, when the universe
gives, she really gives.
326
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,432
Whoa, whoa!
327
00:14:13,521 --> 00:14:14,522
Hello?
328
00:14:15,774 --> 00:14:17,316
No. No, Arthur,
329
00:14:17,317 --> 00:14:19,902
I don't have time
for a brief survey!
330
00:14:19,903 --> 00:14:21,905
What's going on in here?
331
00:14:22,322 --> 00:14:24,490
And a...
332
00:14:24,491 --> 00:14:27,535
long, happy life.
333
00:14:28,078 --> 00:14:30,913
Hey, Ramona. Uh, I was just...
334
00:14:30,914 --> 00:14:32,624
blessing the birthing
water.
335
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:34,751
Amen.
336
00:14:35,710 --> 00:14:36,794
Shrimp?
337
00:14:42,259 --> 00:14:43,927
Why are there shrimp in here?
338
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,596
They're birthing shrimp.
339
00:14:47,138 --> 00:14:49,431
It's a scampi-style birth.
340
00:14:49,432 --> 00:14:51,642
No. No, no, it's not.
341
00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:53,894
Sorry, Ramona.
342
00:14:53,895 --> 00:14:57,565
I lied. I am a lying liar who
lies when I feel insecure,
343
00:14:57,566 --> 00:14:59,567
which is pretty much
always these days.
344
00:14:59,568 --> 00:15:02,528
And the thing is, is I've been waiting
for this phone call from the gallery...
345
00:15:04,739 --> 00:15:06,490
- I don't care about
your character flaws
346
00:15:06,491 --> 00:15:09,493
or whatever the gallery
is. This baby is coming,
347
00:15:09,494 --> 00:15:12,788
and my midwife is trapped on
the Roosevelt Island tram!
348
00:15:12,789 --> 00:15:15,416
I mean, there's a
subway and a bridge!
349
00:15:15,417 --> 00:15:16,792
Why the hell would
you take the tram?!
350
00:15:16,793 --> 00:15:19,337
Oh God. Okay.
Alright, calm down.
351
00:15:19,921 --> 00:15:21,755
Uh, we're gonna get
you to the hospital.
352
00:15:21,756 --> 00:15:24,008
- Okay. Hospital.
- Yeah.
353
00:15:26,678 --> 00:15:29,305
No. No hospital. Time to push.
354
00:15:32,434 --> 00:15:34,268
- Okay, well, that's my cue! Peace!
- Val!
355
00:15:34,269 --> 00:15:37,564
Okay, okay! Let's
make a miracle.
356
00:15:38,565 --> 00:15:41,775
- Alright. I don't know what you
think you heard that night, but...
357
00:15:41,776 --> 00:15:44,486
- Oh, I know exactly what I
heard, Meredith. You were...
358
00:15:44,487 --> 00:15:45,488
Shh! Shh.
359
00:15:46,156 --> 00:15:48,158
Okay, please. Look.
360
00:15:48,742 --> 00:15:51,244
It wasn't
my finest moment.
361
00:15:51,912 --> 00:15:54,080
Okay? But, I've
grown since then.
362
00:15:54,664 --> 00:15:57,375
And we're the happiest
we've ever been.
363
00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:59,419
Jesse, your best friend,
364
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,879
is happy.
365
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,173
Don't take that away from him.
366
00:16:04,799 --> 00:16:08,303
- Okay! Shall we get back
to this Swedish hell ritual?
367
00:16:11,723 --> 00:16:13,043
You know what?
I'm actually good.
368
00:16:14,226 --> 00:16:16,894
Yeah, Meredith was
right. I feel better.
369
00:16:16,895 --> 00:16:19,563
- Really? Okay, Meredith?
Anything? Say no.
370
00:16:19,564 --> 00:16:21,190
No. I'm good.
371
00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:23,692
- If only my parents were this
good at conflict resolution.
372
00:16:23,693 --> 00:16:26,320
But, then again, if they were, I
wouldn't have gotten to go to Six Flags
373
00:16:26,321 --> 00:16:28,823
somewhere between 12
and zero times.
374
00:16:33,328 --> 00:16:34,662
Bottom line,
375
00:16:34,663 --> 00:16:36,997
if the price of a safari
376
00:16:36,998 --> 00:16:38,791
seems too good to be true,
377
00:16:38,792 --> 00:16:41,043
then they probably
aren't following
378
00:16:41,044 --> 00:16:43,547
proper safety protocols.
379
00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:45,756
Yeah, but I bet those two
380
00:16:45,757 --> 00:16:49,093
are gonna have some stories
when they come back.
381
00:16:49,094 --> 00:16:51,303
Maury, when we see
our wives again,
382
00:16:51,304 --> 00:16:53,097
we'll know we're in heaven.
383
00:16:53,098 --> 00:16:54,723
'Cause they're dead!
384
00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:57,893
Hey! This actually turned into
385
00:16:57,894 --> 00:17:00,354
- a pretty great party, right?
- Oh, it's a terrific party!
386
00:17:00,355 --> 00:17:02,648
You know, I really
misjudged Julian and Maury.
387
00:17:02,649 --> 00:17:03,983
People can't get enough of them.
388
00:17:03,984 --> 00:17:07,403
Did you know that between them,
they have 94 prescriptions?
389
00:17:07,404 --> 00:17:10,824
- I don't get it. Why haven't the great
vibes lured Rachel through the doo...
390
00:17:11,283 --> 00:17:13,033
Damn it! Who closed the door?
391
00:17:13,034 --> 00:17:15,369
- It was the girl who
lives across the hall.
392
00:17:15,370 --> 00:17:16,996
The one who loves tote bags?
393
00:17:16,997 --> 00:17:18,414
That's Rachel!
394
00:17:18,415 --> 00:17:20,249
She's the whole reason
I pretended to be fun!
395
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:21,625
Okay, you know what?
396
00:17:21,626 --> 00:17:23,669
Oh, I'm done playing games.
397
00:17:23,670 --> 00:17:25,254
Everybody out!
398
00:17:26,298 --> 00:17:28,550
Um, sweetie, that
was the air purifier.
399
00:17:30,218 --> 00:17:32,094
Okay, Ramona.
400
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:33,679
Many mistakes were
made here today.
401
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,806
Some by me, some by Valentina.
402
00:17:35,807 --> 00:17:37,433
- Literally every part
of this is your fault.
403
00:17:37,434 --> 00:17:40,019
- Doesn't matter. The
paramedics are on their way,
404
00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:41,312
Okay, and the nice lady
405
00:17:41,313 --> 00:17:43,439
from 911 is going to
talk us through this.
406
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,233
And together, we are
going to give you
407
00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:48,777
the peaceful home
birth of your dreams.
408
00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:51,405
- Okay.
- Okay? Alright, Kristy?
409
00:17:51,406 --> 00:17:54,158
She is in the tub. Talk to us.
410
00:17:54,159 --> 00:17:55,719
Okay, let...
411
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,163
Kristy?
412
00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:15,095
- I can see the head! I
can see the head! Push!
413
00:18:19,601 --> 00:18:22,061
- And do you know what
she named that baby?
414
00:18:22,062 --> 00:18:23,396
Uh, Sophie?
415
00:18:24,022 --> 00:18:25,940
No. Ryleigh.
416
00:18:25,941 --> 00:18:29,903
Spelled R-Y-L-E-I-G-H.
417
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,323
Nightmare.
418
00:18:39,454 --> 00:18:41,622
Okay, here's the deal.
419
00:18:41,623 --> 00:18:45,209
I think it's borderline inhumane
that you haven't texted me yet.
420
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:48,255
If you don't wanna go out,
just tell me. I can take it.
421
00:18:50,590 --> 00:18:52,925
First of all, hi.
422
00:18:52,926 --> 00:18:54,094
Second of all...
423
00:18:55,637 --> 00:18:58,931
I was gonna text you, but I got
in my head about what to say.
424
00:18:58,932 --> 00:19:01,642
So, I googled "what to say,"
which led me to the video
425
00:19:01,643 --> 00:19:03,394
of Jason Derulo's
smash hit Whatcha Say,
426
00:19:03,395 --> 00:19:04,979
followed by that
scene from The O.C.
427
00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:06,897
set to the Imogen Heap
song that Jason sampled.
428
00:19:06,898 --> 00:19:08,607
Then, the SNL parody
of that scene.
429
00:19:08,608 --> 00:19:10,442
And I was
gonna send that,
430
00:19:10,443 --> 00:19:14,238
but I-I came home, and I
saw you were having a party
431
00:19:14,239 --> 00:19:17,074
and apparently invited everyone
in the building but me.
432
00:19:17,075 --> 00:19:20,035
So, I figured that if you
don't me at your party,
433
00:19:20,036 --> 00:19:22,162
- you definitely don't wanna go out...
- No, no, no, no, no.
434
00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:25,541
I... I just threw that party
to entice you into texting me
435
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:28,169
by showing you I'm
cool and popular.
436
00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:30,629
Oh, my God.
437
00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:32,172
We're both crazy.
438
00:19:32,173 --> 00:19:33,340
We're insane.
439
00:19:33,341 --> 00:19:36,176
Okay. Great!
440
00:19:36,177 --> 00:19:37,762
- So, I'll text you?
- No!
441
00:19:38,346 --> 00:19:39,389
Texting almost broke us.
442
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:43,184
How about we go out right now?
443
00:19:44,436 --> 00:19:45,604
Right now's perfect.
444
00:19:47,022 --> 00:19:50,232
Charlie! I know you're watching!
445
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,526
No, I'm not.
446
00:19:53,194 --> 00:19:54,278
We've got a date, people.
447
00:19:57,282 --> 00:20:01,244
Maury, you owe me $60,000.
448
00:20:04,539 --> 00:20:06,874
- Two Blue Moons,
appropriate amount of head.
449
00:20:06,875 --> 00:20:09,126
Thanks.
450
00:20:20,889 --> 00:20:24,308
- I just said I was sick.
It's a kids' recital.
451
00:20:24,309 --> 00:20:26,560
What, am I spending two
hours on the C train
452
00:20:26,561 --> 00:20:28,354
so I can listen to a
bunch of second graders
453
00:20:28,355 --> 00:20:30,439
butcher Hot Cross
Buns on the recorder?
454
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,942
Mm!
455
00:20:36,154 --> 00:20:37,655
And remember
when you were like,
456
00:20:37,656 --> 00:20:40,199
"Push!" And then, she pushed!
457
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,077
And remember when you were like,
"Keep pushing!" And then she did,
458
00:20:43,078 --> 00:20:45,246
- and then a freaking baby came out?!
- Oh, my God!
459
00:20:45,247 --> 00:20:46,747
Wow! Val!
460
00:20:46,748 --> 00:20:49,750
I could have never done that
without you. Like, legit.
461
00:20:49,751 --> 00:20:52,920
- Soph, you are nothing
short of a lying psychopath,
462
00:20:52,921 --> 00:20:54,464
but you're my lying psychopath.
463
00:20:56,758 --> 00:20:58,802
Oh... speaking of...
464
00:20:59,427 --> 00:21:00,886
There's something
I've gotta go do.
465
00:21:03,974 --> 00:21:05,100
Hey, Meredith.
466
00:21:06,226 --> 00:21:09,020
I wanted you to know that my
photo didn't actually sell.
467
00:21:09,813 --> 00:21:10,813
At all.
468
00:21:10,814 --> 00:21:12,648
- Oh.
- But it's fine.
469
00:21:12,649 --> 00:21:14,358
It's fine that it didn't sell.
470
00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:18,070
And that you're pretty
and famous and cool
471
00:21:18,071 --> 00:21:20,239
because I did something
incredible today.
472
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,659
Something even you've never
done. I delivered a baby.
473
00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:26,078
Actually, Meredith
had delivered a baby.
474
00:21:26,079 --> 00:21:28,122
Push!
475
00:21:28,123 --> 00:21:30,624
You can do this! I got you, Jen!
476
00:21:30,625 --> 00:21:33,335
But that's neither
here nor there.
477
00:21:33,336 --> 00:21:36,463
And stupid, classy
Meredith just said...
478
00:21:36,464 --> 00:21:38,173
That's really cool, Sophie.
479
00:21:39,801 --> 00:21:41,636
Oh.
480
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:44,514
Hello?
481
00:21:44,515 --> 00:21:46,056
Yes.
482
00:21:46,057 --> 00:21:48,225
It did?
483
00:21:48,226 --> 00:21:50,519
Yes! Finally! Oh, oh, oh!
484
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:54,023
Uh, just one sec. It sold!
In your face, Meredith!
485
00:21:54,024 --> 00:21:55,816
Whoa...
486
00:21:55,817 --> 00:21:58,027
- I'm sorry. I'm just...
I-I'm so excited.
487
00:21:58,028 --> 00:22:00,571
Congratulations,
Sophie. That's great.
488
00:22:00,572 --> 00:22:02,781
I decided from then on,
489
00:22:02,782 --> 00:22:06,744
it was going to be a new,
honest, straightforward me.
490
00:22:06,745 --> 00:22:10,122
Uh, Sophie... Is that...
491
00:22:10,123 --> 00:22:11,833
shrimp in your hair?
492
00:22:13,043 --> 00:22:15,003
Oh! Oh, this?
493
00:22:15,879 --> 00:22:18,589
This is a time-release
leave-in conditioner pellet?
494
00:22:18,590 --> 00:22:21,675
It's injected into a shrimp's
body for added protein.
495
00:22:21,676 --> 00:22:25,346
Obviously, you have no idea
what's going on in the hair world.
496
00:22:25,347 --> 00:22:27,140
I've learned nothing.
37742
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