Original subtitles

- Previously on How I Met Your Father...

- I think I've found the man that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

I'm moving to Australia.

- We're married! - Aaah!

What?

Valentina... I don't want kids.

We broke up.

I moved to New York to start over,

reconnect with my brother.

- Aaaah! - Whoo!

- Oh, my God, my brother and I... - Okay, yeah.

- Jesse and I see the world the same way.

And there's been something between us since the day we met.

We need to break up.

What?

I love you, Sophie.

- We don't even know if this is gonna work out.

Got it.

- What did Jesse do wrong other than

say everything you ever wanted a guy to say

just faster than you expected.

Hi!

Hi.

Is this a good time?

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

Mom? Mom! Where are you?

If you don't come back in three seconds, I'm going to hang up!

Three, two...

Calm down! I'm right here!

God, you're, like, obsessed with my story.

You said you'd be right back, and then you vanished.

It felt like a year. Wait, did you make food?

Spaghetti pomodoro, yes!

I also took a power nap.

Telling a story of this breadth is exhausting.

Okay, back to the night of my first gallery show.

Is this a good time?

Um...

I'm back in New York.

I see that.

- I saw your post about the show and I decided to surprise you.

Surprise!

I hope me showing up like this is okay.

I mean, I have no idea what's going on in your life right now. Like...

romantically?

- I considered what a hot mess my last 48 hours were.

The forbidden kisses.

The break-ups.

The hook-ups.

The sleep "I love you's."

The flame-outs.

The betrayals.

The murders.

Wait, what?

- I killed a rat right before my gallery show.

It-it's not related to my horrible love life.

It was just... It was... Well, it was, you know... It was weighing on me.

Anyway, I was torn.

I mean, his timing, it was terrible!

But, on the other hand,

I was getting a second shot with the one that got away.

So, I said...

- There is absolutely nothing going on with me romantically.

- Great. Can I buy you a drink after this?

I'd like that.

Excuse me.

I need to steal the artist and introduce her

to reality!

- What are you doin'? - What?

- Things with Jesse just ended. You were really sad about it,

like, five minutes ago.

Are you really ready to go out with another guy?

- I-I don't know,

but I've already watched Ian walk out of my life once.

I'm not gonna let him get away from me again.

And I know that came out a little bit stalker-y,

but it doesn't matter because you know what?

He tracked me down at my show, so who's the stalker now? Ha!

Hey.

Hey.

- So, I wanna hear everything about your elopement!

Actually...

Congrats. You're married.

Really? That's it?

- You're not even gonna be like, "Do you, Sid, take Hannah?"

Who's Sid and Hannah?

Who do you think?

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna have to tell that story for the rest of my life

- and it... - Sucks.

And every time we tell it,

everyone's mouth's gonna be like, "aww."

- Their eyes are gonna be like, "ooh." - Mm!

- Oh, it's already happening! Look at their eyes!

Okay...

Okay, it's still our wedding day.

Let's just... Let's just call all our friends to the bar

and just have the best wedding party of all time.

And then that will become our wedding story.

- Mm-hmm.

Damn! I just got husbanded.

- Hey, maybe you two can do, like, a couple's roast.

That would be funny.

Just don't mention my Anna Kendrick Cups phase.

We can't do a couple's roast because...

we're not a couple anymore.

Wait, what?

- We realized that we want different things.

So, we're friends now.

- Can you guys really just turn it off like that? You know,

your dynamic is incredibly sexual.

You coined the phrase "Netflix and..."

Th-that's all in the past.

- We are just buds now. - Yep.

Total bros. Hug it out, bro?

Bring it in, bro.

- You're hard, bro. - Oh.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

I'm here! I'm here! I'm here.

Oh, my God. I raced over as soon as I saw your text.

Holy shit, man! You're married?! Wha...

W-what about your wedding a-and your Indian wedding?

A-and why wasn't I there? I mean, did you have another best man?

Was he Indian? It's okay if he was. Like...

- I don't even know why I asked that. - No.

No best man. We eloped.

- Huh? Huh? Just be happy for us, man! - I am! I am!

Is that Ian?

Yep.

He just got back to town and came to surprise me.

That's not a problem, is it?

Nope. Why would it be a problem?

- It wouldn't be. - Great. So there's no problem then.

There's clearly a problem.

Somebody say what's going on.

- Sophie and I decided that us dating was a bad idea.

Oh, so just friends then.

Word of advice. Don't hug her.

Okay, I don't care who's dating

or who's just friends or who's hard.

Hannah and I get one wedding day, and you're our best friends,

so you're all gonna come to the bar, you're going to act normal,

and you're gonna celebrate our love, damn it!

There's an open bar.

Hoo-hoo!

Sorry. I was trying to seamlessly cheer my way in.

I missed the window.

- Hey, you know what? About that drink, my friends just decided

to throw a last-minute wedding party at their bar, so...

That sounds like fun! I'm in!

Okay! Everybody gets a job.

- Jesse, best man toast. - Woo!

And may I just say that you chose the best man for the job?

Ha ha ha!

Keep that out of my toast. Sophie, you're taking photos.

Ooh, I don't have my camera.

- Oh, really? Does your phone not have a camera?

More snapping, less yapping.

Val, Charlie, you're in charge of the photo montage.

Now, is that clear, or are you gonna be a Sophie about it?

- And, of course, thank you all so much for attending our special day.

- What she said. Ellen, wedding playlist.

Make sure it has the Electric Slide.

- Dude, no! No, no, everybody hates the Electric Slide.

Have you not learned your lesson? Our first week at college,

Sid tried to start a spontaneous slide on the quad.

- Jesse, I'm doing it. - No.

♪ It's electric! ♪

Let's slide, people!

Okay!

That guy became a Wesleyan legend.

They called him the Stomper.

- Come on, guys. It's our wedding.

I would rather be electric-cuted.

Ice cold.

I respect it.

- Why don't you go grab us some drinks and snag us a table?

- Oh, sure. What do you... Oh. - Just surprise me.

Listen, everyone.

I don't want Ian to know

that I burned through two different guys in the past day.

So everyone be cool and chill. Just like me.

Cool and chill. Yeah? Let me hear you say it. What am I?

- Cool and chill. - Alright, now let's do me.

I am tall and curious.

I don't get it.

You two were so into each other like a day ago. What happened?

You're great with secrets, right?

No. I'm great with sequins.

- Wow, that looks just like you. - I know!

It only took me 12 Saturday nights to make.

- Only 12. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, now dish, fish.

Alright, but look, let's just keep this between us, okay?

I don't wanna add any drama to Sid and Hannah's big night.

- Don't worry. Hey, I'm your sister.

- I'll keep your secret. - Okay.

- And I know my way around a sister secret. - Great.

Okay, uh, well, anyway, last night,

I accidentally told Sophie that I loved her in my sleep.

- What? - Then she freaked out

and told me that I should go on tour with Meredith.

- What?! - So then, I got really upset

and told her to leave, and then I called Meredith

- and invited her over. - What?!

- I know. So she showed up, and all of a sudden, we're making out,

and I guess I kind of agreed to go on tour with her.

What?

I'm sorry. I couldn't go any higher, so I went low.

The whole thing is really confusing.

I mean, I was so into Sophie...

- Oh, who cares about your stupid love life?

You're leaving me to go on tour?

Wait, what?

- I moved across the country to reconnect with you!

And now, you're abandoning me to go on tour with your ex-girlfriend?

That is not gonna trigger

my adopted person abandonment issues at all!

- Ellen, come on... - Shh!

Wow.

She really has a gift.

I've got an order for Sad?

- It-it's Sid. Thank you. Thank you for that.

- Hannah? - Hm?

- What wedding would be complete without a cake?

Okay, now, options were limited,

but I did find a deli that has your favorite...

What the hell is this?

- It's gefilte fish. My mom serves it on Passover.

It's a traditional Jewish ground fish loaf.

- Hannah, this was supposed to be red velvet cake!

Not this... nightmare fish!

- How do we have no pictures of Hannah and Sid?

- I have a strict no earnest smiling policy.

Those two have a disease.

I'm proud of us.

For how well we're handling this breakup

and transitioning into being bros.

Yeah, me, too.

I think we're being very mature.

- Just... two mature bros. - Mm-hmm.

Like Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart.

I like being your friend.

I think you're easy to be friends with.

You, too.

And you also.

Yep.

Hey.

Why does your friend from your photo keep...

staring at us like that?

He looks like an anglerfish who just saw a crab.

A what?

- Man, that line would've killed back on the boat.

But no, seriously, what is his deal?

Well,

ever since I took that photo of him,

he's been trying to be a model

and flaunting his looks harder than a...

angelfish?

That's hilarious! That's hilarious.

Speaking of models,

I'm actually supposed to be taking pictures of this shindig.

- You wanna grab us another round? - Sure.

Hey, everyone! Say "Sid and Hannah!"

Yeah.

Stop staring at my date.

You're weirding out Ian.

Sorry, I'm just confused.

- I mean, he really came out of nowhere. - Oh.

Is that confusing to you?

Is the concept of a romantic interest from the past

suddenly reappearing into someone's life confusing to you?

- W-what's that supposed to mean? Did Ellen say something to you?

- You know what? I can't do this right now, Jesse.

Just stop staring at my date.

I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me.

- There she is! The woman who broke my heart.

Good to see you, Soph.

I'm gonna let him ruin it for me.

Drew!

What are you doing here?

- Hannah invited me. You look great, by the way.

I love your shirt made of pogs.

Are those pogs? Whatever they are, I love them to death.

Are you okay?

- Why wouldn't I be okay? Because you dumped me?

Or because my dad's probably going to prison till I'm 50?

Or because I got buzzed alone on oat milk White Russians

in my apartment earlier today,

and then just wandered aimlessly around Midtown

until I saw a day spa advertising

a "Glow-up Teeth Whitening and Spray Tan Special"

for $49.99 called The Orange Creamsicle,

and said to myself, "I deserve that."

Did you get a spray tan?

- It's so natural, I hadn't noticed... - Ah!

Sorry. Sorry, once in a while,

I-I get these shooting pains from my two front teeth.

They say it happens to one in 100 people who go to

New York Upstairs Whiten and Tan.

Guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

- I think I've got an Advil for you... - N-no.

It's all good. The receptionist gave me a couple codeines

in exchange for a kiss.

- Hey. I'm Ian. - What's up?

I'm Drew. This is my ex, Sophie.

Don't waste this fun energy on us, Drew!

- Go congratulate the happy couple! - Eh, good point.

Hey, if you need me, just, uh, follow the light.

Ooh, do I smell gefilte fish?

Hey. Look, I know you're mad at me

or whatever, but it was really screwed up

that you went and told Sophie our sister secret.

Also, why are we calling it that? We're not sisters. I'm a boy.

I mean man! Damn it, I'm a man!

I didn't tell Sophie.

- You didn't? - No!

But I always love an exasperated white guy

screaming at me that he's a man!

So thank you for that.

How did she even make that?

So,

when exactly did you and Drew end things?

Because it seems kind of fresh.

And that's when it happened.

♪ Wild West music playing ♪

Both of them were hurtling towards me

at the exact same time.

Like emotional man asteroids,

determined to blow up my spot.

So I did the only thing I could think of to keep them from talking to me.

Uh, I think it's time for...

Sid and Hannah's first dance!

If everyone could silently stay exactly where you are right now,

and we're gonna watch them dance! In silence!

Ellen! Hit it!

Oh, my Bluetooth won't connect.

Doesn't matter.

'Cause I'm gonna sing it live.

Sid, Hannah, what's your song?

When a Man Loves a Woman.

Oh! Wow. Great.

I'll totally sing that song that I... that I know. Okay.

♪ When a man loves a woman ♪

Oh God...

♪ He makes love to that woman ♪

♪ But only if she wants to ♪

♪ But who wouldn't want to? ♪

♪ I mean, look at that guy ♪

- What is happening? - I don't know.

♪ When a man loves ♪

♪ A woman ♪

♪ Can't keep his mind on nothing else ♪

♪ He'd trade the world ♪

♪ For the good thing he's found ♪

Take it away, Drew!

♪ If she's bad he won't see it... ♪

Ow! Oh!

Shooting pain. There's a shooting pain.

- Okay! I am shutting this down! Thank you.

- Hey, Sophie, I really need to talk to you. - No! I am on my way out.

- I just need to grab Ian... - Hey, quick Q. Was I supposed

to shower off with this spray tan? 'Cause I think I'm still developing...

- What did you mean when you said that thing about romantic interests

- reappearing from the past? - I didn't mean anything.

Yes, you did.

- Oh, my skin smells like poison. Here, Sophie, smell my arm.

- No! Oh, you guys, just excuse me...

- Will you please just tell me what you meant?!

- I saw you kissing Meredith outside of your apartment!

You kissed Meredith?

What... How did you see that?

'Cause I came back.

I was coming back to...

Oh.

Yeah.

One more Q.

Um...

Did you and Jesse get together in the 24 hours since you dumped me?

Yes.

Drew, yes. I'm...

I'm so sorry.

- I think if I wasn't on all these painkillers,

I just might be a skosh upset.

- Hey. Is everything alright? - No.

Ian, it's actually not.

I gotta get some air.

And yes, Drew, you were supposed to shower it off,

and don't kiss people for codeine!

Someone's jealous.

♪ Ooh, you went searching ♪

- Hey. - Hey.

- Sophie, it sounds like things have been messy for you

while I've been gone.

Yeah.

- About that... - It doesn't matter.

Things have been messy for me, too.

A whale exploded on me.

What matters is we're both here now,

and I still wanna give it a shot.

You do?

I do.

♪ It can't be that bad ♪

- You're really going on tour with Meredith?

I think so, yeah.

Sid, I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her.

Those feelings didn't go away just 'cause she said no to my proposal.

Okay, what about Sophie?

Sophie's amazing, but she's also complicated.

The moment we got together, she blew it all up.

All I've ever wanted...

was to find love.

And I think, maybe...

it was just right in front of me,

and I ran from it.

And until I figure out why I did that...

I'm just gonna keep ruining things that could be great.

- Wait, so you were in love with one of those guys?

The orange guy?

No.

The angelfish.

- Or maybe she's not that complicated. She probably just wasn't that into me.

Okay, so it's not a good time.

But as a wise woman once said to me,

maybe someday.

♪ I'm not the kind of girl you take home ♪

Good night, Sophie.

Good night, Ian.

♪ If it makes you happy ♪

♪ It can't be that bad ♪

♪ If it makes you happy ♪

♪ Then why the hell are you so sad? ♪

- Alright, if you really wanna see where things go with Meredith,

- I'll get my head around it. - Thank you.

Am I supposed to find a subletter during your tour...

- No, no, no, no, no. It's just for a month.

Wait. You're only leaving for a month?

- Yeah. - I thought it was like a year!

Oh, my God...

You must have thought I was being so dramatic!

I can't believe you're abandoning me for a whole month! No!

Who's ready for a photo tribute

to Sid and Hannah's love!

♪ It's a wonderful world... ♪

Oh, wow. This is actually good.

- Yes. This is gonna be a good memory from our wedding.

Uh, what is this?

This appears to be a sex tape

made in your office earlier tonight

that they must have accidentally edited it into our montage.

Or... did we edit it in on purpose

as a special gift to spice up your wedding night?

- Charlie, no! - Yeah, no, it was actually a mistake.

- Turn it off! Turn it off! - Oh, my God, is that my favorite jacket?

That is so my favorite jacket. You guys are ruining my life!

- Turn it off! - I'm trying...

- So, wait, are you two back together again?

No. That was just a last hurrah

that we decided to commit to video as a memento.

But, starting now, we are officially...

strictly platonic friends.

- Hug it out? - Keep that thing away from me.

- Hey... Where you been? - Hey.

Watching Ian walk out of my life again.

Yeah. Guess I'm gonna be waiting a little longer

to find what you guys have.

Well, I hope you find a guy

who can throw you a better wedding party than I just did.

Wait. Are you acting so crazy tonight

because you're worried about me?

- Yeah. Hannah, I wanted you to have the greatest night ever.

You know, it was my first duty as your husband,

and I tanked it.

Okay, that's it. Everybody up!

Why?

Everybody line up!

- Oh, my God! Is this happening? - Oh... I think it is.

Yeah! We're sliding!

Let's give these two nerds a wedding night to remember!

Hey. I'm sorry about everything.

Yeah. Me, too.

♪ You can't see it ♪

Well, I blew it with three guys in 48 hours,

and now I'm doing the Electric Slide.

I think this is my rock bottom.

I was wrong.

Rock bottom wouldn't come until later that year.

Mom, please call me back!

I think I'm dating my dad.

Oh!

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Oh God...

Dude...

Wait, who's that?

We'll get there soon enough.

- If this is rock bottom, it looks good on you

- 'cause my girl can slide. - Woo!

♪ I'll teach you the electric slide ♪

Woo!

♪ It's electric, boogie-woogie-woogie ♪

♪ You can't do without it ♪

♪ It's electric, boogie-woogie-woogie ♪

♪ She sure got the boogie ♪

♪ Don't wanna lose it ♪

♪ It's electric, boogie-woogie-woogie ♪

♪ But you can't choose it ♪

♪ It's electric, boogie-woogie-woogie ♪

♪ But you know it's there ♪

♪ Here, there, and everywhere ♪