Original subtitles

♪♪ [PIANO]

♪♪ [HEAVY ELECTRIC GUITAR]

♪♪ [SLOWS DOWN, STOPS]

HUH? WHAT?

WHO'S THERE? WHO'S THERE?

[ECHOES] WHO'S THERE?

I KNOW SOMEONE'S HERE. I'VE GOT A GUN. WELL, NOT A GUN, BUT A PENCIL.

[MELISSA'S VOICE] HELLO, PRESCOTT. AAH! STELLA!

NO, YOU'RE D-D-D-DEAD! I BURIED YOU MYSELF.

WELL, I GUESS YOU DIDN'T HEAR THE LATEST DIRT ON ME, PRESCOTT. I'M BACK.

NO! PRESCOTT, MY GOOD MAN.

AAH! WAYNE!

PLEASE FORGIVE MY STENCH. I THINK SOME FISH HID ON ME.

NO! NOT YOU! I PUT CHAINS ON YOUR LEGS AND I PUSHED YOU OFF MY BOAT!

I WATCHED YOU SINK!

OH, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, PRESCOTT.

I AM DEAD, AND NOW YOU WILL BE TOO.

SO, WHAT WILL IT BE, OLD BOY? JOIN ME IN A MIDNIGHT SWIM?

IF YOU'RE NOT TOO TIED UP?

OR PERHAPS YOU'D RATHER BE PUSHING UP DAISIES IN THE GARDEN WITH ME, PRESCOTT?

NO!

[GASPS] A NIGHTMARE.

NOTHING MORE THAN SOME SILLY, SILLY, SILLY, CONFOUNDED NIGHTMARE.

THOSE TWO SCOUNDRELS ARE DEAD.

AAAAAAH!

AAAAH!

[MR. LYNCH] UH, YES.

WELL...WELL.

BRENDON, IT'S A SMART AND CLEVER THRILLER WITH A NICE TWIST. THANK YOU.

AND I APPRECIATE THE VISUAL MEDIUM YOU CHOSE FOR YOUR REPORT.

AGAIN, MANY THANKS.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SUSAN B. ANTHONY?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO A REPORT ON SUSAN B. ANTHONY.

I...WAS? MM-HMM.

AND WHAT IS THAT? THAT IS--

THAT IS NOT A REPORT ON-- NOT A REPORT ON--

I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT.

WELL, I MIGHT HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT. YES, YOU DID.

I WANT A REPORT ON SUSAN B. ANTHONY BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. LET ME JUST WRITE IT DOWN. WHAT'S THE GUY'S NAME AGAIN?

HIS NAME IS SUSAN B. ANTHONY.

HEY, WHAT IF WE SHOW SUSAN B. ANTHONY AS A HERO?

NAH. THAT'S STUPID, MELISSA.

WHAT IF WE DO A SCENE WHERE SUSAN B. ANTHONY

COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD? THAT'S STUPID.

IT'S NOT STUPID. YES, IT IS.

OKAY, WELL THEN SHE STARTS EATING PEOPLE.

KEEP TALKING. BRENDON, DO YOU THINK OCTAVIO COULD BE IN THIS SCENE?

MM-MM. NO, THIS IS A THREE-PERSON SCENE.

WE DON'T NEED AN EXTRA PERSON, YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU SAID YOU'D USE HIM.

YEAH, BUT NOT NOW. NOT YET. DON'T YOU LIKE HIM?

I JUST DON'T NEED HIM. THAT'S ALL.

WELL, I GOTTA GO NOW ANYWAY. BUT WE'RE NOT DONE.

I KNOW, BUT OCTAVIO'S WALKING ME HOME.

OHH... OHH...

MELISSA, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR MOUTH?

WHAT? YEAH.

I'M SMILING.

OH, IT'S GROSS.

SEE YOU LATER, GUYS.

COME ON, OCTAVIO.

MELISSA, YOU ARE MAGNIFIQUE.

THANK YOU, OCTAVIO. I'M GLAD SOMEONE APPRECIATES ME.

AU REVOIR. AU REVOIR, GUYS.

OH, GEEZ, WHAT'S WITH...

EESH! WOW! WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM? I DON'T KNOW.

"YOU ARE MAGNIFIQUE."

YOU ARE...OINK, OINK!

YEAH, UH, "AU REVOIR."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW OCTAVIO'S ONLY BEEN IN SCHOOL FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS...

BUT?

MMM...BUT, UH, I HATE HIM.

YUCK. I DON'T TRUST HIM.

I HEAR YOU.

BRENDON, WHO, WHO, WHO? I DON'T KNOW.

WHO AT AGE EIGHT WEARS A MOCK TURTLENECK?

I MEAN, COME ON. YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WHERE DOES THAT GUY SHOP?

[COOING]

BRENDON, WE DON'T HAVE A DOG.

NOT YET, MOM. PUT IT BACK.

MOM! BRENDON, HOW LONG DID THE HAMSTER LAST?

WHAT, OLD JOE? UH-HUH.

[SIGHS] TWO WEEKS.

YEAH. THE GUINEA PIG?

REGULAR JOE? FOUR DAYS.

TRY THREE DAYS. THREE DAYS.

THE FISH? CUP O' JOE? UM...

YOU REMEMBER THE FISH? YEAH, THAT WAS A 48 HOUR, UH...

IT WAS DEAD BEFORE WE GOT HOME.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH. YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT?

YEAH, I'M OUT OF PETS. COME ON, PETS. [SQUEAKING]

DON'T BE A WISE GUY. PUT THE DOG STUFF BACK AND GET YOUR CEREAL.

AND DON'T COME BACK WITH TEN BOXES OF CEREAL EITHER, JUST TWO.

HOW ABOUT A CAT? GO.

[CART BANGS] [ERIK] GEEZ, I AM SO--

PAULA? ERIK, HI.

YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD EXCHANGE INFORMATION. HUH?

YOU KNOW, I HIT YOUR CART, SO I-- OH, RIGHT.

I GET IT. YEAH.

SO, HOW'S MELISSA?

SHE'S GOOD. I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY SEE HER MORE THAN I DO.

YEAH. HOW IS SHE?

OH, SHE'S GOOD. SHE'S GOOD. GOT A LITTLE BOYFRIEND.

HEY, CONGRATULATIONS. THAT'S GREAT.

NO, NOT ME. MELISSA HAS A LITTLE BOYFRIEND.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT. OCTAVIO. HE SEEMS LIKE A NICE KID.

YEAH. YEAH. NICE ENOUGH.

WELL. SO.

APPARENTLY YOU LIKE BEANS. YEAH.

SEEMS AS IF YOU HAVE SIX BIG CANS. YES SIRREE, SIX CANS, YEAH.

I DON'T THINK I'LL BE STOPPING BY YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT. [CHUCKLES] THAT'S CUTE.

YEAH, THAT'S CUTE, ERIK. OH, BOY.

I SHOULD GET GOING. OKAY.

WELL, IT'S BEEN GREAT TALKIN' BEANS WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH. OKAY.

OKAY, GOOD TO SEE YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU.

OKAY. [CART BANGS]

OH, PAULA. AND ERIK. HELLO.

HEY, MR. LYNCH. HI, MR. LYNCH.

HEY, YOU TWO SHOULD SWAP INFORMATION.

[CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YES. HE MEANS 'CAUSE WE BUMPED.

OOPS, UH, HEY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SHOPPING TODAY.

YEAH, I NEEDED A FEW THINGS.

SHOULD WE EXCHANGE INFORMATION? HUH?

WE HAD AN ACCIDENT WITH OUR CARTS.

WHAT?

LIKE WITH DRIVING WHEN YOU GET IN AN ACCIDENT,

YOU HAVE TO EXCHANGE YOUR NAME AND-- SHOULD WE DO WHAT?

IT'S A CAR ACCIDENT JOKE.

OH...I DON'T GET IT.

MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS IT. I DON'T KNOW.

SO, UM... [COOING]

WOW, YOU LIKE BEANS, HUH?

YEAH. WOW.

WHATEVER JOKE YOU'RE THINKING OF, HE'S ALREADY DONE IT.

REALLY? YEAH.

HEY, DID HE DO HILL OF BEANS? BEAN THERE.

"BEEN THERE." THAT'S GOOD. [CHUCKLES]

I THINK IF YOU EAT ALL THESE BEANS, YOU ARE GONNA AMOUNT TO A HILL OF BEANS.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

OH...

WELL, GOD, YOU GUYS ARE A BLAST.

IT'S A SHAME I GOTTA GO. SOME SHOPPING TO DO.

YEAH, ME TOO. I HEAR YOU.

OKAY, THEN. WHAT DO YOU KNOW. YOU PEOPLE.

OH, BOY. HEY, MCGUIRK.

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOIN'? MCGUIRK.

[ERIK] HOW ARE YOU? APPARENTLY WE ALL SHOP.

YEAH. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. I GOTTA GET MOVING HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL THOSE BEANS?

I'M GONNA EAT THEM.

GOIN' TO BEAN TOWN?

[LAUGHING] [LAUGHING]

I'M SO SORRY.

HEY, BRENDON, YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNOW NOW THAT IT'S OFFICIAL.

OCTAVIO'S GONNA BE MY BOYFRIEND.

HMM, SO THEN WHAT? ARE YOU GONNA BE HIS GIRLFRIEND?

THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS. WELL, I DON'T TRUST HIM.

BRENDON, I KNOW OCTI'S A LITTLE STRANGE.

WHOA, WAIT. WHOA. WHO?

OH, I CALL HIM OCTI. YOU CALL HIM WHAT?

OCTI. IT'S SHORT FOR OCTAVIO. I DON'T KNOW. I JUST LIKE HIM.

LISTEN, MELISSA, I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE ME GET HURT.

OKAY? YOU MEAN ME?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

WHAT? I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU GET HURT. OKAY?

HEY, KNUCKLEHEADS. WHAT'S UP? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS SHOP.

JASON. HEY, JASON.

JASON, WHAT IS THAT? YEAH.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKING THROUGH MY COUPONS.

COUPONS? YOU HAVE A COUPON BOOK?

I LIKE TO USE COUPONS. IT'S A HOBBY. [BOTH LAUGHING]

SO I USE COUPONS. MOST OF AMERICA DOES.

[MCGUIRK] YEAH, I USED TO GET THE JUMBOS. NOW I GET THE EXTRA-LARGE.

YEAH. IT'S EASIER TO THROW.

YOU KNOW, WITH JUMBO EGGS THOUGH, YOU ONLY NEED TWO INSTEAD OF THREE?

YEAH. YEAH.

I GET THE ONE-SIZE-FITS ALL EGG,

BUT I'D LIKE TO SEE THOSE JUMBO HENS.

THAT WAS FUNNY. YEAH.

LISTEN. IT WAS SO GREAT RUNNING INTO ALL YOU GUYS,

BUT I'VE GOTTA GET GOING.

OH, YEAH. ME TOO. I SHOULD--

I SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE ALSO. YEAH.

EVERYONE'S GOT A SCHEDULE, HUH?

[LYNCH] SEE YOU IN AISLE SEVEN. OKAY-- [LAUGHS]

HEY, CRAZY IDEA, GUYS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ALL HAVE DINNER TOGETHER?

YOU KNOW? THE FOUR OF US. HUH?

DINNER. HEY, UH-- NO--

WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?

I MEAN, THIS IS WORKING OUT. WE SEEM TO TALK WELL TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW? [CLICKS TEETH]

HOW ABOUT IT? ANYONE?

WOW, LOOK AT THE TIME. I GOTTA GO.

YEAH. LOOK AT THAT CANTALOUPE OVER THERE.

UM, WHERE?

OVER-- I MEAN, I GOTTA GO OVER THERE AND LOOK AT. GOOD-BYE.

UM, AM I GETTING THE BLOW OFF HERE? NOT AT ALL. NOPE.

THAT'S FINE. IF YOU GUYS DON'T WANNA DO DINNER, WE DON'T.

JUST FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE, UH,

THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN UNLESS WE PUT ONE PERSON IN CHARGE TO REALLY,

UH, SYNCHRONIZE EVERYBODY'S SCHEDULES.

WELL, I'LL TAKE THE HELM. YOU KNOW?

WHO LIKES VEAL? YEAH, I GOTTA GO.

HERE'S ONE FOR GRAVY. WHAT'S IT WORTH?

THIRTY-FIVE CENTS OFF FOR SIX CANS. I'LL TAKE IT.

I'LL GIVE YOU TEN CENTS OFF FLOOR WAX FOR THE GRAVY. DEAL.

COME TO PAPA. MM-HMM.

WHOA, WHOA. WHO WANTS 50 CENTS OFF ON CAT FOOD?

GIVE ME! ME! ME! ME!

HEY, HEY, HEY! SETTLE DOWN. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAT.

GUYS. I DON'T CARE.

I'M RUNNIN' THIS SHOW.

ERIK. CAUGHT ME IN THE ACT. [CHUCKLES]

MCGUIRK, HOW ARE YOU? HEY.

HEY, ERIK, WHAT ARE YOU BUYING? TOILET PAPER?

NO, NO. I WASN'T BUYING ANYTHING. I WAS JUST LOOKING, SEEING WHAT MY OPTIONS ARE.

ADULT DIAPERS? SHH! SHH.

I HAD NO IDEA! NO, I JUST-- JUST ASSUME I--

I'M JUST HAVING FUN WITH YOU. HEY, LET'S SHOP TOGETHER, HUH?

WE'RE BOTH HERE. LET'S SHOP TOGETHER. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I, UH-- WHY? HUH?

WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY? IT'LL BE FUN.

NO, NO. I NEED TO SHOP ALONE BECAUSE I NEED TO CONCENTRATE.

LET'S GO AROUND TOGETHER AND HELP EACH OTHER.

ARE YOU WITH ME? I SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING.

OH, ALL THIS TOILET PAPER, ERIK.

KIND OF MAKES ME THINK.

SO WHAT ABOUT DINNER? YOU KNOW, UM, I'M NOT SURE

BECAUSE MY SCHEDULE IS TRICKY THIS WEEK, SO I GO-- I'M GONNA FOLLOW YOU.

OKAY-- I WISH YOU WOULDN'T FOLLOW ME.

HERE I COME. COMIN' TO GET YA. HUH?

DON'T DO THAT. ERIK, YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST. ERIK, SLOW DOWN!

ERIK! WH-- WHOA!

[CRASHING]

I JUST HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, MELISSA. YOU KNOW?

ABOUT WHAT? WELL, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SPENDING--

AH, FORGET IT. OKAY.

SERIOUSLY? YEAH.

IT'S FORGOTTEN. THAT WAS-- I WAS JUST--

CAN YOU PASS THE CEREAL? OH.

YOU KNOW, THESE PEANUT BUTTER PUFFY OATS ARE PRETTY GOOD.

TOLD YA. MMM.

ESPECIALLY GOOD WHEN

WE DIDN'T PAY FOR THEM YET, DID WE?

IS THING ON? [MUTTERING] [FEEDBACK]

WHOA. UH, HELLO?

UH, HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING? ATTENTION, SHOPPERS.

♪ WON'T YOU COME HOME, BILL BAILEY ♪ OKAY.

MELISSA, UM, THIS IS YOUR FATHER, ERIK.

I'M READY TO LEAVE, UH, HONEY. SIR. SIR!

BUT I'LL MEET YOU AT THE FRONT.

OH. YEAH, THAT'S--

I GUESS I SHOULD GO.

OH, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. PAULA. SO WE MEET AGAIN.

SO, UH, I KNOW WE WERE TALKING DINNER.

I WAS THINKING SATURDAY NIGHT. HOW ABOUT THAT? I-I CAN'T.

FRIDAY? NOT GOOD.

SUNDAY. I COULD DO SUN-- BUSY. BUSY.

UH, CALL ME! YOU BET!

OKAY-- ALL RIGHT. RIGHT.

OH, YEAH. WHAT ARE THESE?

THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

WHAT IS THAT, SALAMI?

TOFU? JESUS.

[CHUCKLES] I LOVE IT. I'LL TAKE SOME.

JASON, I'M WORRIED ABOUT MELISSA. SHE'S SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME WITH OCTAVIO.

BRENDON, SLOW DOWN, BUB.

DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY. WHY?

'CAUSE IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

I'M STILL GONNA END UP MARRYING MELISSA.

OH, REALLY? UH-HUH.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU FELT THAT WAY.

WELL, IT'S OUR DESTINY, BROTHER. GET ON BOARD.

WELL, HAVE YOU TOLD HER? UH, WHO?

MELISSA. OH, NO, NO, NO.

I'LL TELL HER WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, BRENDON.

IT HAS TO BE PERFECT. [CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]

UH, PROBABLY AT THE COUNTRY CLUB, YOU KNOW,

ON THE 18TH GREEN.

WE JUST FINISHED OUR ROUND. UH-HUH.

WELL, WHAT'S IN THE HOLE? IT'S A DIAMOND RING.

WELL, THAT'S WEIRD. SOMEBODY MUST'VE BEEN GRABBING THEIR BALL AND IT FELL OFF.

NO. WILL YOU MARRY ME? [LAUGHS]

SEE? I TOTALLY HAVE IT WORKED OUT. I PLAY GOLF IN THE FUTURE, BRENDON.

OH. HEY, GUYS.

HEY, UH, MELISSA. HI, JASON.

WHATEVER. MELISSA, WHERE'S YOUR SHADOW?

WHAT? BRENDON, IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE WALL.

I MEAN OCTAVIO. AH.

HE'S NOT MY SHADOW, BRENDON. [BRENDON] YES, HE IS.

NO, HE'S NOT. YES, HE IS.

NO, HE'S NOT. YES, HE IS.

NO, HE'S NOT. YES, HE IS.

I THINK YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.

W-- I'M JEALOUS? [MELISSA] YEAH.

I'M NOT JEALOUS OF HIM. HE'S-- AH--

HE'S A-- HE'S GOT A-- HAVE YOU SEEN HIS SHOES?

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE A JERK EVER SINCE HE BECAME MY BOYFRIEND.

[LAUGHS] NO, I HAVEN'T. YES, YOU HAVE!

I'VE BEEN A JERK THE WHOLE TIME! YOU KNOW WHAT? HE TREATS ME NICE.

AW. AW. AND YOU KNOW, OCTI AND I ARE TOGETHER NOW.

AWW! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

NO, LISTEN! IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT?

BURY THE HATCHET AND LET'S JUST SHOOT THIS SCENE, ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE A BETTER IDEA. I QUIT!

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING] WOW.

ALL RIGHT, JASON.

STUFF THE PILLOW AND PUT ON THE WIG. WE GOTTA SHOOT THIS SCENE.

STUFF THE PILLOW AND PUT ON THE WIG.

YOU GOT IT, CAPTAIN.

[BRENDON'S VOICE] UGH, LOOK AT OCTAVIO.

HE THINKS HE'S SO COOL 'CAUSE HE'S FROM SOME FOREIGN COUNTRY AND SPEAKS FRENCH.

WHAT A JERK. HUH.

OCTAVIO? I'M GONNA CALL HIM OCTOBER BEHIND HIS BACK.

[LAUGHING]

OKAY, PENCILS DOWN,

AND, UH, PASS YOUR PAPERS FORWARD, PLEASE.

THE TEST IS OVER. UH-OH. [GULPS]

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEBODY CAN LOSE A TEST PAPER

BETWEEN THEIR DESK AND MY DESK, BRENDON.

I MEAN, THIS SORT OF IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR HAD BETTER STOP, MISTER.

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, YOUNG MAN?

[DOOR OPENS] LYNCH.

HUH? YOU GOT A MINUTE?

OH. UH--

OR ARE YOU TEACHING? ONE SECOND.

[MCGUIRK] OH, HEY, BRENDON. OKAY.

WELL, YOU CAN GO NOW. ALL RIGHT, LYNCH.

GOOD-BYE, BRENDON. WHAT?

I'VE GOT IT DOWN TO 16 POSSIBLE DATES FOR DINNER.

MCGUIRK, I DON'T HAVE TIME.

LET ME SEE YOUR CALENDAR. DON'T-- NO, NO, NO. AH.

KITTENS? I LIKE CATS. SO SUE ME.

I THINK I COULD. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

I THINK YOU CAN SUE FOR A KITTEN CALENDAR.

YOU'RE SCARY, LYNCH.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. OKAY, OCTI? OKAY, MELISSA.

AU REVOIR, MON AMI.

AU REVOIR, MON A-YOU.

[GIGGLES] [LAUGHS]

♪ OCTAVIO LIKES MELISSA OCTAVIO LIKES MELISSA ♪

♪ OCTAVIO LIKES-- ♪ HEY, SHUT UP.

♪ MELI-- ♪ SHUT--

YOU LIKE HER. I DON'T.

YES, YOU DO. I DO NOT.

YES, YOU DO. I DON'T.

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG. I'M JUST USING HER,

SO I CAN MAKE MOVIES WITH BRENDON SMALL.

I WANNA BE A MOVIE STAR.

WHAT ABOUT US? [SCOFFS] WHO CARES?

I DO. YOU'RE A SILLY STUPID GIRL.

YOU'RE A REAL BASTARD.

YOU GOT A LOT OF GUTS DOING THAT.

YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE FOR ME? KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?

SHOULD'VE KNOWN. GOT IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM?

OOF. THAT'S BETTER.

HAD ENOUGH-- ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU AROUND.

SO LONG.

ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD.

BRENDON, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I PUT YOU IN A GAME?

UH, I WAS JUST IN LAST MONTH.

SORRY. I'M BACK. ERIK, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

I WAS ON HOLD FOR 20 MINUTES. I'M SORRY. I'M FIELDING A LOT OF CALLS TODAY.

SO HOW ARE YOUR WEDNESDAYS? SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE'S-- RIGHT AFTER MY TUESDAYS.

I'M SERIOUS. LYNCH CAN DO WEDNESDAY. I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

WHAT ABOUT EATING AT FRANK'S? OR HOW ABOUT RALPH'S?

THEY GOT GOOD BARBECUE. YOU KNOW, I NEVER HEARD OF THOSE RESTAURANTS.

OH, YOU WANNA GO TO A RESTAURANT? OH, ALL RIGHT.

CHANGE OF PLANS. I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL RALPH AND CANCEL.

I'LL, UH-- I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

COACH? BRENDON.

YEAH? GO GET ME A YELLOW PAGES.

OCTAVIO! MELISSA! GET IN THE GAME!

HEY, COACH. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OCTAVIO? HE'S AN ASS.

I AGREE. BUT I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THAT MELISSA DOESN'T KNOW,

AND IF SHE FINDS OUT IT'S GONNA HURT HER FEELINGS.

BUT IF I TELL HER SHE WON'T BELIEVE ME BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M JEALOUS AND DON'T LIKE HIM.

OH, MY JOB.

BRENDON. YEAH?

I KNOW GUYS LIKE OCTAVIO-- LADY KILLERS. RIGHT.

RIGHT? YEAH.

I'M LIKE OCTAVIO. YEAH.

I FAKE ACCENTS TO TRY AND PICK UP GIRLS. YEAH.

I DO THAT. IT WORKS. YEAH.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? YEAH?

NOTHING. FAKE AN ACCENT. [CLEARS THROAT]

ALL RIGHT? OKAY. RIGHT NOW?

LOOK, BRENDON. YOU WANNA GET MELISSA BACK, ALL RIGHT, START WITH OCTAVIO.

HERE'S YOUR SOURCE. YEAH.

SIT HIM DOWN, RIGHT.

FIND OUT WHAT HIS GAME IS. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT? YEAH.

THEN LET THE REST RUN ITS COURSE. RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YES. YES.

THANKS. YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. NO PROBLEM.

SUSAN B. ANTHONY. WHO ARE YOU, SUSAN?

TELL ME SO-- SO THAT I CAN TELL THE WORLD YOUR-YOUR STORY.

BONJOUR. AH! [SIGHS]

OH, SORRY. I SCARE YOU, NO? NO. NO, I WAS-- I WAS JUST--

HOW DID YOU GET DOWN HERE? YOUR MOTHER LET ME IN.

OH. WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, OCTAVIO.

AHH, OUI, OUI, OUI.

LISTEN, I KNOW YOUR GAME. WHAT? GAME?

YOU DON'T REALLY WANNA BE MELISSA'S BOYFRIEND, DO YOU? NO, NO. I DO NOT.

YOU WERE JUST USING MELISSA SO YOU COULD BE IN OUR MOVIES, RIGHT?

OUI. IT IS CORRECT.

BUT, UH, I WANT TO WORK WITH THE GENIUS DIRECTOR. UH-HUH.

BRENDON, I AM THE BEST ACTOR YOU WILL EVER WORK WITH IN YOUR LIFE.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT ACTOR?

BECAUSE, BRENDON, BRENDON, BRENDON.

WHAT? [WITHOUT FRENCH ACCENT] TA-DA. I'M NOT FRENCH. I'M ACTING.

YEAH, I KNOW. HUH?

YEAH, I KNOW. SINCE WHEN?

SINCE THE FIRST TIME I HEARD YOU SPEAK.

IT'S FAKE. IT'S A FAKE ACCENT.

IT'S LIKE A HACKY FRENCH ACCENT.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING, LIKE, THE PINK PANTHER?

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M NOT FRENCH.

DO YOU THINK I'M AMERICAN? I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FRENCH.

THINK I'M AMERICAN? WELL, YEAH.

I'M NOT. WHY? WHAT ARE YOU?

I'M CANADIAN, EH? UGH. THERE'S THE DOOR.

[PHONE RINGS] OH, I HOPE THAT'S HIM.

HELLO? ERIK?

JOHN? YEAH?

IT'S NOT HIM.

I GOT THE DATE LOCKED IN FOR DINNER.

THE 12TH. HOW ABOUT THAT? YEAH, LET ME--

CAN YOU HANG ON ONE SEC WHILE I CHECK MY CALENDAR?

OH, YEAH. YEAH, I GOT TIME. I GOTTA SAY

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THAT'S GONNA WORK OUT. UH-HUH. CHECKING YOUR CALENDAR?

YEAH, I GOT-- I'M CHECKING MY CALENDAR RIGHT NOW.

GOT IT IN YOUR HAND, HUH? YEP. JUST LOOKIN' AT IT.

LOOKIN' AT IT? YEAH.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW? I'M IN THE LIVING ROOM

LOOKING AT MY CALENDAR.

SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM HOLDING A CALENDAR? YEAH.

NOT IN THE KITCHEN? I'M IN THE LIVING ROOM. I'M HOLDING A CALENDAR.

I'M IN MY CAR HOLDING BINOCULARS. OH.

YOU'RE IN THE KITCHEN HOLDING A BLUE COFFEE MUG, RIGHT? YES.

THERE I AM. SEE ME? [CHUCKLES] I SEE YOU.

HOW YOU DOIN'? ALL RIGHT, NOW PICK UP THE CALENDAR

AND HOLD IT UP WHERE I CAN SEE IT.

NO FUNNY STUFF.

I DON'T WANT TO WORK WITH OCTAVIO. HE'S A JERK. [BEEPING, BUZZING]

THAT'S RIGHT. BRENDON, I CALL HIM OCTOBER BEHIND HIS BACK.

WELL, THAT'S JUST CHILDISH. WHAT?

HEY. UH-HUH?

I JUST THOUGHT OF A WAY WE CAN GET RID OF OCTAVIO

AND GET MELISSA BACK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

GET OVER HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

ALL RIGHT. COULD YOU SEND A CAB?

NO, JOHN. FRIDAY SOUNDS DOABLE. GOOD.

LYNCH? YOU STILL THERE? YES.

WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY? UH,

YEAH, I GUESS I CAN DO FRIDAY, BUT NOT UNTIL--

LET'S SEE, 8:30. FRIDAY, 8:30. HOLD ON.

PAULA? STILL HERE.

WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY, 8:30? FINE.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD. UM--

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

ERIK, WATCH THIS. LYNCH? HELLO?

LYNCH? YEAH. WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

YOU WERE MAKING THE PLAN. WHAT IS-- WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT PLAN? THE DINNER PLAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT LYNCH, BUT DON'T CALL ME ANYMORE.

WHAT?

[BRENDON] I LIED TO YOU, OCTOBER.

WHAT? [LAUGHING] "OCTOBER."

I DIDN'T REALLY INVITE YOU HERE TO MAKE A MOVIE

ABOUT A SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION TO THE BOTTOM OF THE INDIAN OCEAN

AS I SAID TO YOU EARLIER ON THE PHONE.

SEE THIS? I TAPED YOUR LITTLE CONFESSION ABOUT MELISSA AND HOW YOU USED HER.

YOU'RE GOOD. THANKS.

NOW I WANT YOU TO CALL MELISSA

AND TELL HER THAT SHE'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU,

OR I'LL SHOW THIS TAPE.

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, OCTOBER?

OH, IT GETS ME EVERY TIME.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT.

I WROTE OUT EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SAY TO HER.

AND I WANNA SEE A GOOD PERFORMANCE.

BRENDON? YEAH?

I'LL GIVE THE BEST PERFORMANCE YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

CAN YOU TAPE THIS FOR MY REEL?

AND EVERY TIME I SEE YOU SMILE, IT WILL FEEL LIKE A DAGGER IN MY HEART,

AND A CONSTANT REMINDER OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN,

IF I WASN'T SUCH A SHALLOW PERSON.

SO, CAN YOU GIVE HER THAT MESSAGE?

I WILL. AU REVOIR.

ALL RIGHT. HERE'S MY HEADSHOT AND BIOS.

PLEASE NOTE ALL THE DIFFERENT DIALECTS.

I ALSO PLAY SOCCER, SWIM AND CAN RIDE A HORSE. I ALSO DO MAGIC. POOF.

LISTEN, GUYS. I'M SORRY I GOT MAD AND QUIT THE OTHER DAY,

AND I'M REALLY SORRY I LET OCTAVIO GET IN-BETWEEN US.

WELL, MELISSA-- WE'RE SORRY IF WE DIDN'T, UH--

DO, UH-- UH, THINGS.

THANKS, BRENDON. THAT MEANS A LOT.

SO, JASON, BRENDON SAID YOU WANNA MARRY ME.

I NEVER SAID THAT. YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO MARRY HER.

THAT IT WAS YOUR DESTINY. NO, I DIDN'T, BRENDON.

YOU DID. I DID NOT.

YOU DID TOO. MELISSA, I DON'T WANNA MARRY YOU.

OH, MY GOD. NO. ALL RIGHT. WELL, THEN LET'S GET TO WORK.

SURE. I-- WELL, HERE'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I MEAN, UH-- WHAT-- DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS?

MY LOVE.

WOMEN WILL NEVER GET THE RIGHT TO VOTE! NEVER!

WELL, THEN. MAYBE I'LL JUST HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.

OKAY, YOU CAN VOTE! YOU CAN VOTE!

GOOD JOB, SUSAN. WAIT!

ARE YOU SUSAN B. ANTHONY? THAT'S ME.

WELL, I HAVE TO KNOW, SUSAN. WHAT DOES THE "B" STAND FOR?

YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW? PLEASE.

[GUNFIRE]

BITCHIN'! [CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

WHOO!

ERIK, TAKE A LOAD OFF. HEY, SORRY I'M SO LATE.

AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YOU'RE FINE. YOU'RE FINE.

HEY, WHERE'S, UH, LYNCH AND PAULA? CANCELED.

OH, THAT'S WHY PAULA OFFERED TO BABYSIT.

WELL, I'LL TELL YA, WE DON'T NEED 'EM.

YOU DRINK WINE? PLEASE.

LET'S ORDER ANOTHER BOTTLE. OKAY.

HEY, HAVE YOU EATEN HERE BEFORE? I JUST ATE, SO I FINISHED.

WELL, I'M GONNA HIT THE HEAD.

WHOOF. MMM. JOHN MCGUIRK, I'LL TELL YOU THIS--

I NEEDED THIS-THIS BREAK. YEAH.

HERE'S TO YOU FOR SHOWIN' UP, YOU KNOW. HEY.

YOU KNOW WHO WE SHOULDN'T TOAST TO? LYNCH AND PAULA. THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT I'D LIKE TO DRINK TO THEM SINCE I GOT MY GLASS UP.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME THROUGH. IT WAS NICE OF YOU, YOU KNOW? MMM.

YOU'RE A MAN WHO RESPECTS A PLAN, AND THAT'S GOOD.

HEY, TO PLANNING. COME ON.

OH, MAN. THIS IS GOOD. WHAT-- WHO MADE THIS?

YOU CAN DRINK, HUH? I MEAN, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT, BUT I CAN, UH, CONSUME IT.

YOU GONNA ORDER, OR ARE YOU-- I ORDERED ALREADY WHILE YOU WERE IN THE BATHROOM.

YOU DID? YUP.

I'M GONNA TAKE OFF. [LAUGHS] OKAY.

DO YOU MIND IF I EAT WHILE YOU'RE GONE? NO, NO. ENJOY.

WHAT DID YOU GET? I GOT THE GRILLED CHICKEN SALAD SALAD.

YOU GO, GIRL! [LAUGHS] HMM.

I'LL CHECK YOU LATER, BUDDY. I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU WITH THE CHECK.

[LAUGHS] I DO GOTTA RUN OUT OF HERE.

I JUST GOTTA CALL MY FRIEND, RALPH, AND WE'RE GONNA HIT A NIGHTCLUB.

OKAY. YOU WANT ME TO HOOK UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER?

NO, THAT'S COOL. YOU STICK IT OUT HERE.

'CAUSE I HAVE MY CELL PHONE WITH ME. HAVE A GOOD MEAL.

OKAY, IF YOU WANNA CALL ME YOU JUST-- JUST, UH-- SEE YOU LATER, BUDDY!

I'M-- I'M GONNA LEAVE IT ON. HEY, THANKS FOR SHOWIN' UP!

[NUTS RATTLE]