Original subtitles

♪♪

Anyway, so www.moviewiener orwinner.com

said that Helium Buffoon was a bad movie.

Yeah.

And Helium Buffoon was a great movie.

You love those stupid movies.

I do, but this one wasn't stupid.

Brendon, you don't have to say www anymore.

What? Why? You can just say the website name

without the www.

No, that's how you type it in, Melissa, www...

I know that's how you type it, but you don't have to say it.

If you said moviewienerorwinner.com,

I would know what you meant without the www.

So no "Ws" ever.

Okay, Brendon, for the sake of this conversation,

you don't have to say www 'cause I know what it is, okay?

And so does the rest of the world.

But anyway, like I was saying,

I'm thinking of writing my own review and sending it in.

Because I was not happy with what they wrote.

I think you should.

Well, I know. I mean, I'm saying

I'm definitely thinking maybe...

That's a good idea.

I said that maybe I might, you know?

You won't. Excuse me.

We doing all right here or what?

We're fine. How you doing?

You guys chatting it up? Uh-huh.

Having a nice chit-chat, hmm?

Fine. Not our best.

A little back and forth?

Little tête-à-tête? What?

Little dialogue, yeah?

What are you guys talking about, soccer?

No. No.

Because there's a game going on.

I was wondering whether you'd like

to participate in the game.

Um... Is our soccer game

bothering your conversation?

Oh, no, no.

Should we stop the soccer game and gather around?

Maybe we should light a campfire

so you guys can tell your stories...

No, this is... spin your tales.

No.

Regale us, Brandon and Melissa.

Coach, have a seat. Relax. Come hang out with us.

Why bother getting stressed out about...

It's a pretty quiet game.

Yeah, we kinda forgot we were playing, actually.

Hey, what do you think this after-school assembly thing is all about?

I don't know. I hate after-school assemblies.

The rumor I heard is that Principal Plum was fired,

and Mr. Lynch is gonna be the new interim principal.

Mr. Lynch? What? Mr. Lynch?

Yeah. Lynch?

Lynch is about as qualified to run a school

as this soda can.

And I can say that because I'm his best friend.

I didn't know you were best friends, coach.

We're not. I'm his best friend, but he's not mine.

Who's your best friend?

Right now, it's a tie

between this guy I write to on the Web.

He's from Sri Lanka. He's nice.

And this guy who hangs out at the bar I go to

who is gonna supposedly

get me a free battery for my car.

But, man, Lynch?

I'm sorry. But there is no way in hell Lynch is gonna be...

your new principal.

Interim principal, yeah.

Uh, well, yes, um...

that's what I was going to say.

You didn't let me finish.

As interim...

Interim principal.

Look, I said interim principal.

What's your problem?

I don't know. Why are you mad at us?

Yeah, why don't you just do your speech?

Yeah, you're the principal.

Ahem. As interim principal,

I intend to...

stern...

isn't soft, even though my hands are...

Anyway, I...

All right, Lynch. My buddy.

Interim! I heard that! Bastards.

Okay. Let's see what we got.

Ahem.

"Dear www.moviewiener orwinner.com.

"So, in conclusion,

"Yes, I know it's a funny way to start a review,

"but as far as I'm conseened..."

Conseened? "Concerned...

"as far as I'm concerned, there is no argument.

"Helium Buffoon is a funny, smart, clever, hilarious,

"feel-good, high-energy tearjerker

"that takes us on a crazy, edge-of-your-seat ride

"through the world of balloon delivery guys

"and turns it into a crazy world of "buffoon" delivery guys

when Jeb suddenly has to take over the business."

Yeah.

Hey, John, you're taking up two spaces.

Yeah? So what? I don't want my car scratched.

Um, hello? You can't do that.

Why don't you tell it to the principal, four eyes?

Uh, boy, I didn't expect to use up

the first 25 minutes of class answering one question,

but it was a very good question, Brendon.

Thanks. I have another question, too.

Hey, Fink...

Hey, class. What's up?

What do you teach, Fink?

I teach... Science, right?

Yes.

I gotta borrow your Bunsen burner.

I wanna burn some stuff in my office.

Hey! Not that one!

Hey, kids. No practice today.

But, coach, we have a game.

So no game today.

How come?

Because I gotta pick up

a brand-new free battery from my best friend

who works at the automotive shop.

Oh.

Whoo!

Uhh.

Come on. Come on.

Ha ha! I told...

Oh.

McGuirk, I can't have you wreaking havoc in my name like this.

Lynch, what are you gonna do, huh?

Punish me? Make me stand in the corner?

You gonna call my daddy?

You're making me look bad, McGuirk.

What else you gonna do, huh, Lynch?

You gonna spank me? You wanna spank me?

Spank me. McGuirk.

Here. Here it is. Spank it.

Oh, stop. Stop. Oh, McGuirk, come on.

Relax, buddy. I'm just having a little fun.

You gotta lighten up, Lynch.

You're the man now. This could be fun.

You just gotta take advantage of it.

Please leave. I have principal things that I need to do.

Let's go do something. Let's rob the safe here.

Do they have a safe? McGuirk.

We'll take the money. We'll go out.

We'll have a good time. What?

Money equals fun.

We take the money and then we go have fun.

McGuirk, how old are you?

Oh, I know what we can do.

We're not gonna do anything.

We can steal the fire extinguishers.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Take all the fire extinguishers out.

And where are you gonna put them?

Bring them to my house...

and spray them at each other.

That is a prank that could cause the school to...

burn down.

Oh, McGuirk. Please get out of my office.

How can you not have an opinion on anything?

I don't know.

What do you think of my new earring?

Um... I don't know.

Well, what do you think of my new hat? I don't know.

What do you mean? You have to have an opinion.

No. No, I can't.

Nobody cares what I think.

That may be true, but you should still have an opinion.

You want my opinion? Yes.

This sucks. See?

Wait. That's not in the script.

I'm talking about the script.

Melissa, it sucks. You're right. Brendon, you have to fix this.

Yeah, it's stupid.

Hold on. In a minute, guys.

What are you doing? Spell check.

For the script? I'm working on something, guys.

We kinda wanted to finish this scene.

We'd like a little direction, you know, from the director.

Do it faster. Do it faster.

I'm sorry. Are we interrupting you

by making your little movie?

What? Okay, what?

You just totally broke my concentration.

What are you working on?

Nothing. I'm just writing a review.

What do you mean, a review?

Look, www.moviewiener orwinner.com

likes my stuff a lot,

so they asked me to write some stuff.

You're writing a review for www.moviewiener...

You guys, you don't have to say www.

I don't want to have this conversation again.

What are you talking about, Melissa?

You gotta say it. You don't.

Because everyone knows what it means.

How do you know it's a web site?

'Cause you say .com.

How do you know it's www?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Because it's just one of those things

that when some things are around for a long enough time in society,

you can just abbreviate it.

Like, what else? Like what?

You know what? Say www. I don't care.

No. You know what I'm saying.

No, forget it. You're right.

In fact, don't say www.

Say World Wide Web every time you say a web site.

That's a total waste.

That's a waste of time.

Lynch, who is gonna stop us?

You run the ship. You're the captain.

"Lynch." Let go of that.

Do you know how long I've waited

to have someone on the inside at this school?

Long time.

McGuirk, this is not a prison.

You're gonna get us both fired.

Let me sit in the chair. Get up.

What? Get up.

I wanna sit in the chair.

If I let you sit in the chair, will you leave?

Maybe.

It's a great chair.

I love this chair. I have to tell you that.

I'm gonna pee in your office.

Wait. Where are you going?

Tell me you never wanted to do this.

That's not a real... That's the only plant I have.

Shh. Shh.

I've never had a plant in my office.

Lynch! Please! Shut up!

You're writing for www.moviewiener orwinner.com?

Yeah. They're gonna pay me $75, guys.

Are you serious? Uh-huh.

Let me see that.

"So in conclusion..."

That's how you start your review? Yeah.

Because I have the final say.

It's catchy, I know.

It's kind of annoying, Brendon.

And then I sign it "Movie Guy."

That's catchy. But annoying.

Is "Movie Guy" your pseudonym?

No, no, no.

It's just a name that I'm using

instead of my real name.

I've never met anyone who didn't have an opinion.

There's nothing in my psychology books about it.

There's nothing I can do.

Doc, please don't say that.

Of course I could call my friend Dr. Schvitenousser.

He could help you.

Oh, call him, Doc. Please, I'm desperate.

I wasn't trying to insult you, Doctor.

I'm just saying with a name like Schvitenousser...

You didn't think I'd be Irish, did ya?

No.

So, would you be having an opinion about me now?

Um, no.

Then you're an idiot, sir.

Um, are you a leprechaun?

Let me tell you, laddy.

An opinion is a thing to be treasured.

But it's gotta come outta here to mean anything at all.

Was he pointing to his butt? Shh.

And cut. Big cut.

Oh, jeez. Guys, guys.

Hey, that scene...

That was uninspired.

And though the story held together...

I've seen better acting on a postage stamp.

Brendon. Yeah?

You're being a jerk. Yeah.

I'm just offering my opinion, that's all.

You sound like one of your stupid reviews.

Okay, okay...

I also don't get the analogy.

Do you want an opinion on the script?

Because that is uninspired.

Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen better scripts on a postage stamp.

That makes more sense.

Maybe if you spent a little more time on your scripts

and a little less time on your reviews.

Okay. You know, whoa. Come on.

Just take it from Jason's line again.

And... action.

Brendon, can you come here, please?

What do you want?

Right now.

Did you find my checks?

What? What?

What did you just say? What? What?

Aahhh! What?

Nothing.

Brendon, get up here and explain yourself.

All right!

So I thought you'd be mad because I'm just a kid.

Well, I wish you'd told me.

But no, Brendon, I think it's great

that you're getting paid for writing reviews.

I'm very proud of you.

Well, then you're gonna love this.

They sent me press passes

to see the premiere of All That Violence

this Friday night downtown.

Brendon, that's an "R" -rated movie.

You better believe it.

Called All That Violence?

That could be violent.

See, that's the ironic thing. It's not that violent.

Well, I don't want you knowing about irony.

How about nudity?

I read about that movie.

It sounds absolutely inappropriate for children.

Yeah, but, Mom... You're not going, Brendon.

I don't wanna go, trust me, but...

That's perfect... I've got a job...

Brendon, you're not going.

You're not going to a move named All That Violence.

But Jason and Melissa can go.

I don't care what Jason and Melissa can do.

Their parents probably don't know it's called All That Violence...

until I call and tell them.

Don't, Mom.

Brendon, ever since you've started writing reviews,

you've been ignoring your work.

Yeah, Brendon, and your friends: us.

We're pretty much your only two friends. Guys...

Let me say it in a way that you can understand, Brendon.

Yes.

Www "you've been ignoring us" .com. Nice.

Okay. www "I'm sorry" .com.

But, guys, I'm still taking you to the premiere.

I thought you couldn't go.

Yeah, and how are you gonna get there?

Your mom was supposed to drive us.

No, no, no. I have an idea.

Brendon, you gonna disobey your mother?

Are we gonna steal a car?

Coach?

Coach, I have a proposition to offer you.

Ahem. Coach?

Brendon, get out of my light.

Listen...

Did you say proposition? Yeah.

All right, I'm all ears.

Can you pick me and Melissa and Jason up on Friday...

That's actually kinda gross, huh? I'm all ears.

What if I were all ears, you know?

Can you drive us to the movie premiere?

Ears instead of arms. Ears instead of legs.

Just like a lump of ears. Coach...

Of course I'm drunk right now,

so that kinda stuff amuses me.

Coach, will you listen to me, please?

Of course I'm listening, Brendon.

I said I was all ears.

So you want a ride somewhere?

Yeah. Where?

The movie premiere.

All right. What's in it for me?

Huh. It's tempting.

All right. I'll do it. What the hell. Okay.

Now get back in my light. I'm burning up.

Hey, interim, Fink's here... again.

What is it, Fink? Lynch!

What?

You gotta do something about McGuirk. Oh.

He burst into my science class and started teaching again.

Okay, a quick science lesson, all right?

Don't mix beer with scotch.

Why did that get no reaction?

- Everybody knows what beer is, right? - Yeah.

- Everybody knows what scotch is. - Yeah.

Don't mix 'em.

"Liquor before beer, never fear.

Beer before liquor, throw up quicker."

Fink, everything will be fine.

I'll take care of McGuirk.

Lynch! Come on! Help.

Wait. I want you to hear something first.

What about a boilermaker?

Those are good.

Isn't that beer and scotch?

Yeah, but it's not one before the other.

It's together in one. That's okay.

Is there a rhyme for that?

Yes.

Attention. Attention, please.

Will Mr. McGuirk please come to the principal's office immediately.

Thank you.

Ha ha. So what do you think?

Do I sound like a principal?

Yeah, I don't think you have to put your hand

over your mouth like that.

Really? I think this is the way it's supposed to sound.

I think it sounds that way because of the intercom speaker.

Oh. Is that still on?

Oh, crap!

Okay, so we meet at the soccer field tonight.

Right, and I'm gonna say I'm staying at your house.

And what are you telling your mom?

I'm saying that I'm gonna stay at Jason's house.

You can't stay at my house, Brendon,

'cause my aunt and uncle are there.

Right, but I'm not really staying, though.

You can pretend to stay at my house, Brendon.

Thank you. Where are you staying?

I'm staying at my house

with my aunt and uncle and my parents.

But where are you gonna say you are when we're at the movie?

When we're at the movie?

Then I'll be at the movies.

- Jason... - What?

Nothing.

McGuirk, why are you doing this?

Look what I got you. McGuirk...

This way, you don't have to walk...

We don't have to walk all the way to the lunch room to get a soda.

You get one right here in your office.

McGuirk, that is for the kids to use.

I also made it so they're free.

They just come out. Press.

Wow. Soda.

That is pretty good. Free soda.

That's pretty amazing.

But you know who loses in this?

I don't know. Who? The kids. So what?

They have soda at home.

This belongs in their lunchroom.

Well, I'm not bringing it back. It's too heavy.

McGuirk, I don't need a soda machine in my office.

I don't drink soda.

Lynch... Lynch, this is like a clubhouse.

Just you and me.

Our own private club.

No girls allowed.

A soda machine. It's great!

McGuirk, if you don't stop this childish behavior,

I'm gonna have to do something drastic.

Oh, so this is the thanks I get?

Why would I be thanking you?

For being your friend, Lynch.

Oh, well, then, yes, this is the thanks you get.

What are you talking about?

We're friends, right? Uh...

And friends steal things for their friends.

McGuirk, you can't keep doing things like this.

Why? You think it's for friendship?

Why, Lynch? Tell me why.

It's bad. It's a bad thing.

Who says? Me.

I'm the principal.

I'm the principal.

People... You have to stop.

Turn around. What?

Turn around. You're being very childish.

Turn around. For what?

'Cause I wanna show you something.

All right. Now what?

Lynch! What are you wearing under there?

What?

What are you wearing under there, Lynch?

You do not need...

What are you wearing under there?

Under where?

Underwear! Oh! Ow!

The story was just too hard to follow.

I've said this about foreign films before.

If you're gonna go through all the trouble to make a movie,

you may as well make it in English.

Hello, Brendon.

Oh, Mr. Lynch... I mean, Mr. Principal.

I mean, Mr. interim...

Enough, Brendon. I mean...

Thank you, Brendon. Enough.

How come you're not hanging out with your friends?

Uh, well, I've got some work to do.

I'm writing reviews for an on-line movie web site,

www.moviewiener orwinner.com.

You know, you don't have to say www...

I like saying it.

Whoa! Be careful.

Is there...

Is there something you, you know...

you want?

No. I just needed to think.

You know, I used to do my best thinking

on the monkey bars, as I remember.

Suspending yourself from these bars isn't that hard, you know?

Hey. Hey...

Suspending someone else, especially a friend, that's tough.

Am I being suspended?

No, no, no. Not you, Brendon.

No, it's a... it's a faculty member.

All right. Well, uh, I'll see ya.

See ya. Nice talking to ya.

Uh-huh.

Oh!

Oh, crap!

I don't like this, Brendon.

Me neither, Brendon.

It's fine, guys. Don't worry about it.

Coach McGuirk is late. He'll be here!

I heard a long time ago they found a head...

Jason, I don't want to hear that kind of stuff, okay?

Melissa, I was just going to say that they found a headlight...

Oh. Next to a body!

Jason! A dead body!

Stop it.

Go ahead then. Make jokes.

But did you know that teenagers

come here to get drunk on Friday nights?

How do you know, Melissa?

My father buys for them.

That's illegal.

He's says they're just gonna buy it in a couple years anyway.

It makes sense when he says it.

Now I know where to go.

Brendon, there's nothing worse than drunken teenagers.

Thanks to your dad. Yeah.

We can't stay out here.

We're gonna be eaten by coyotes... and elk! Elk?

It's rutting season.

They're extra dangerous during the rutting season.

Your father probably gives them alcohol.

Guys, quiet. Shh.

Oh, my God! Somebody's coming to kill us!

Melissa, it's a car full of elk! Jason!

Who's there? Drunken teenagers?

I wish. Who doesn't love them?

Come on. Don't just stand there. Get in.

It's rutting season.

This is exciting. We're going to a premiere.

A world premiere.

Coach, is something wrong?

Coach, talk to me.

The battery's dead.

I thought your friend was getting you a new one.

Kevin? Some friend. He wanted me to pay for it.

- I want to go home. - I don't.

Coach, coach. You're missing the big picture here.

I have to get to that movie.

There's a convenience store about ten minutes down the road.

I'll go call for a tow truck.

Be here in 15 minutes.

15 minutes?

You guys wait here.

You're gonna leave a bunch of kids alone... in the car?

Yeah. Not the first time.

Movie's starting.

I'll be fired from writing reviews.

Brendon, there's a midnight showing.

Jason, I wouldn't be able to stay awake.

Brendon, what if I tickled you.

Elk!

It's just me. Open up.

Jump is 50 bucks.

Uh... Buddy!

Right, right. I got it. I got it.

So what's your name? Tina.

Tina? Nice.

Wait. You're not Tow Truck Tina, are you?

That's what it says on my uniform.

I read about you. I have your calendar.

You're amazing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 bucks.

Here's a hundred. Wow. Tow Truck Tina.

I can't even believe it.

Will you sign this for me?

Sure. You got a pen?

Brendon. In the glove.

Get me a pen right away.

You're all set.

Wow. I cannot believe it.

You can't imagine how many times I've...

you know.

I mean, you know, right?

Yeah, yeah. People do that.

Crank it.

Yay!

Did it start?

Yeah.

Yay.

Thanks, Tina. You were great... and expensive.

Can we just go home now?

Hey, look, I'm sorry you missed your movie.

If it'll make you feel better, you can blame me.

I'm doing it right now. It's not working.

Hmm. That's too bad.

Listen, I think we just all want to go home.

Can't we just drive around a little more?

I'm kinda up.

No!

Well, I hope you learned your lesson tonight, young man.

I, uh, sure did learn my lesson, Mom.

If I do anything wrong, you will rub my head.

Yes, I understand. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

What other lesson did you learn, Brendon?

Don't, uh... Don't do things...

It'll come to me.

Aw.

That movie sucked.

I liked it. You liked it?

I liked all the violence. It surprised me.

All right.

Hey, McGuirk, I was thinking.

Maybe there is something I can do for you.

Oh, yeah?

How about I suspend you for a week... with pay?

Ha ha! Now you're talking.

Welcome to the dark side, Lynch.

And in my opinion,

Picasso was the worst painter I ever saw in my life.

And in my opinion, Tango and Cash

was the best buddy-cop picture ever.

This is fantastic, Dr. Schvitenousser.

But how did you cure him?

'Twas easy.

I told him that everybody's opinion matters.

I told him that, too, but it didn't work.

Yes, but then I told it to him a couple more times.

That's why you make the big bucks.

Speaking of bucks, do you like elk?

This is the worst ending ever.

In my opinion, this is the worst movie ever, Brendon.

Well, how do we end it?

Just shut off the camera.

That works.

Uh, no, it didn't. Still on.

Hey, who wants a wine cooler?

Jason, where did you get wine coolers?

Your dad.

Closed-captioned By J.R. Media Group, Inc. Burbank, CA

Please be in here. Please be in here.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

"Until a qualified principal can be found,

Mr. Lunch will take over as interim principal."

"Mr. Lunch?"

I'm in Principal Monthly!

Yes!