Original subtitles

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DON'T EAT TOO MUCH CANDY AT THE HALLOWEEN PARTY, JASON.

MELISSA, YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER.

I KNOW, BUT I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA BE AT THE PARTY WITH YOU,

AND I KNOW YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT.

MELISSA, WHY NOT? BECAUSE YOU GET SICK. YOU GET CRAZY.

OH, PLEASE. BACK ME UP, BRENDON.

YOU GET UGLY. I HAVE TO HAVE CANDY!

I'M THE CANDY MONSTER! AAAH! I GOT YOU!

WHAT?

RELAX, GUYS. I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M OFF THE STUFF. I DON'T EAT CANDY ANYMORE.

REALLY? YEAH, I'VE BEEN COLD TURKEY FOR LIKE A MONTH.

OH, MAN. YEAH.

I LOVE COLD TURKEY.

THIRTY-ONE DAYS, GUYS. CONGRATULATIONS.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING INSTEAD?

UH, A LOT OF SEAFOOD.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

WHAT? SO, ANYWAY.

MELISSA, WHAT ARE YOU DRESSING UP AS?

I'M GONNA GO AS THE GRIM REAPER. GEEZ.

WHAT ARE YOU DRESSING AS? I'M... I CAN'T TELL YOU.

I CAN'T TELL YOU. IT'S A SECRET.

- OH, GOOD MORNING. - GOOD MORNING, MR. LYNCH.

YOU KIDS EXCITED ABOUT THE HALLOWEEN PARTY ON SATURDAY? YES, MR. LYNCH.

- STOP DOING THAT. - YES, MR...

STOP. MELISSA, WHAT ARE YOU DRESSING UP AS? THE GRIM REAPER.

YEAH? SCARY. MM-HMM.

JASON, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M GOING AS AN INSURANCE ADJUSTER.

OOH. VERY SCARY.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, BRENDON? HE WON'T TELL US.

YEAH, IT'S HIS LITTLE SECRET. HMM. HOW ABOUT A HINT?

BEST COSTUME EVER.

GRIM REAPER? INSURANCE SALESMAN?

YEAH. THAT'S AN INTERESTING HINT.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR SIX MONTHS.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT, BRENDON. EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE TO MAKE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT NOW.

I'M DRESSING UP AS A KITTY CAT.

OH, DARN! WOW.

NO, IT'S FINE, LINDA. REALLY.

AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S AWKWARD. EVEN THOUGH IT IS AWKWARD.

HI, MOM. I'M HOME.

HI, LINDA. HI, BRENDON JR.

HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?

HUH? WHAT? YOU WANNA COME OUT AND SEE ME?

UH, THAT'S SO ANNOYING.

THAT'S THE CUTEST THING YOU'VE SAID SO FAR!

BRENDON, LINDA'S GONNA BE STAYING WITH US FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

O... KAY.

WELL, WHERE'S MY FATHER?

WELL, HE HAD TO GO ON A BUSINESS TRIP OUT OF TOWN,

BUT HE'LL BE BACK IN PLENTY OF TIME FOR THE BIRTH.

SO DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT WORRIED.

NEITHER AM I. THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

I'M NOT WORRIED. THREE OF US.

NEITHER AM I. IT'S BACK DOWN TO TWO.

OH, LOOK AT THE TIME. I'VE GOTTA GET TO MY LAMAZE CLASS.

OH, YEAH. OH, HEY. OKAY.

SORRY I CAN'T GO. YEAH, IT'S FINE.

WH-WH-WHAT? YOU WANT SOMEONE TO GO WITH YOU? I'LL GO.

I'LL TOTALLY GO. UM, YEAH. OKAY.

BREATHE, LADIES. BREATHE.

HEY, OVER HERE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME.

BE THERE IN A MINUTE. JUST GOTTA FINISH COLORING THE BUMBLEBEE'S BUTT.

WELL, COME OVER HERE AND HOLD MY HAND AND COUNT WITH ME OR SOMETHING.

DO IT YOURSELF, LAZY ASS.

THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR GETTING KNOCKED UP BY AN 8-YEAR-OLD.

I DIDN'T... IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE PREGNANT. IS IT?

COMING!

HOLD ON! I'M COMING!

YEAH? WHAT?

OH, HI. HELLO.

HI. SORRY I WAS YELLING.

OH, NO PROBLEM. I'M A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE CRYSTAL SPIRIT FAMILY.

WE'RE A NEW SPIRITUAL ORGANIZATION, AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR RECRUITS.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT. SIGN ME UP.

REALLY? SURE.

WOW. YEAH.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO JOIN AN ORGANIZATION.

REALLY? ABSOLUTELY. DO YOU WANNA COME IN?

WELL, YES, THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC. YOU'VE MADE MY DAY!

WELL, YOU KNOW. COME ON IN.

THAT'S A WEIRD OUTFIT. WELL, THIS IS A NEW OUTFIT.

I WASN'T DOING SO WELL IN THE OLD. RIGHT.

I WANTED PEOPLE TO TAKE ME LESS SERIOUSLY. I DIDN'T WANNA BE THREATENING AND...

IT'S WORKING. OH.

IT IS DEFINITELY WORKING. THANK YOU.

YEAH. YOU'RE REALLY SWEET.

NO.

I HAVE A PAMPHLET. WHAT?

A PAMPHLET. OH. GREAT. YEAH.

"FIND YOUR SALVATION. CREATE YOUR OWN MORALS AND BELIEFS."

WOW. THAT'S GREAT.

WE'RE OPEN TO EVERYTHING. UH-HUH.

WE SEE GOD IN EVERYTHING AND...

AND YOU'RE INTO CRYSTALS, WHICH I'M ALSO INTO, BY THE WAY.

REALLY? YEAH. I USED TO COLLECT THEM.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

WOW. I FEEL LIKE I'M FINDING A SOUL MATE HERE.

YEAH. I MEAN, CRYSTALS, BASEBALL CARDS, CIVIL WAR MEMORABILIA.

OH.

I'M STARTING TO LO... LOSE MY BREATH.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED CHANNELING?

IT'S VERY EARLY. YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T USUALLY WAKE UP THIS EARLY.

SO, EVERYBODY? ATTENTION, ATTENTION... OKAY.

SO ON ALL THE PHONES, I PRESET THE NUMBERS 911.

SO IF THE BABY STARTS COMING OUT, LINDA... LINDA OVER HERE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PRESS "MEMORY" AND THEN NUMBER 5. BOOP.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. EASY. DID YOU JUST PRESS IT?

NO. YEAH, YOU DID. YOU JUST DIALED 911.

NO, I DIDN'T. 911, POLICE EMERGENCY. MAY I HELP YOU?

HELLO? POLICE EMERGENCY.

BRENDON, TELL THEM IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. IS SOMEONE THERE?

UH, HELLO. THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT, OKAY?

THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT? NO, NOTHING. JUST A MISTAKE.

LOOK, THIS LINE IS FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.

RIGHT, RIGHT, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. KEEP UP THE GOOD...

HELLO? OKAY.

LISTEN, GUYS, BACK HERE.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT MEMORY NUMBER 5? ANY QUESTIONS?

MEMORY NUMBER 5. BRENDON? BRENDON?

WHAT? YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN.

NO, I DIDN'T. YES, YOU DID.

HELLO, 911 POLICE EMERGENCY. HELLO? POLICE EMERGENCY.

BRENDON, TELL THEM IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. I'M SORRY. I CALLED AGAIN

BECAUSE THERE MIGHT BE A BABY...

NEVER MIND. I GOTTA GO.

OKAY, ALSO, I WILL BE FILMING THE BIRTH.

SO I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE SOME DIALOGUE FOR YOU TWO

IN CASE YOU FREEZE IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT. BRENDON.

DIALOGUE RIGHT HERE. YOU EACH HAVE A COPY. DO NOT LOSE THESE.

BRENDON! WHAT?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU VIDEOTAPE THE BIRTH. OH, PLEASE, LINDA.

I KNOW MY RIGHTS.

HELLO. HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO? WHY'D YOU HANG UP ON ME?

I THOUGHT WE WERE FIN... WHO IS THIS? POLICE EMERGENCY.

WHAT'S WRONG? SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

BUT AT LEAST WE SAY THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE.

RIGHT, BUT THERE'S NO AFTERLIFE. WELL, YES, THERE IS.

I MEAN, WE ALL KNOW THAT. WELL, "WE" ALL DON'T, 'CAUSE WHO SAYS THERE IS?

WELL, I SAY THERE IS, WE SAY THERE IS.

RIGHT, BUT I SAY THERE'S NOT BECAUSE THERE ISN'T.

WAIT. BUT I'M NOT GOOD AT ARGUING.

WAIT. OH, MY GOD. WHAT?

OH, MY GOD! WHAT'D I DO?

OH, MY GOD! I... OH, MY...

WHAT'S GOING ON? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

NOW I KNOW WHERE I KNOW YOU FROM. YOU'RE JOHN MCGUIRK, AREN'T YOU?

UM... YOU'RE THE COACH.

I AM, YEAH.

DO I KNOW YOU?

HELLO! HELLO.

YES, I'M STEPHANIE. STEPHANIE. UM...

ANDREW SMALLS' WEDDING.

IT'S A, UH, NICE ROOM YOU GOT HERE.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT SO NICE? WHAT'S THAT?

MY BACK'S SORE.

OH, DEAR.

OH, SH... HI.

HI. YEAH, I REMEMBER THE... YOU AT THAT WEDDING.

YEAH, REMEMBER UPSTAIRS? LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

SO YOU'RE A KOOK NOW, HUH?

OH, YOU.

I ADMIT IT'S WEIRD I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU FOR...

BUT YOU WERE... YOU'RE DRESSED DIFFERENT. YEAH.

YOU'RE DRESSED. AND, UH, YOU'RE SOBER.

I THINK.

I TRY NOT TO DRINK TOO MUCH ANYMORE.

THERE IS A HINT OF LIQUOR ON YOUR BREATH, JUST SO YOU KNOW.

I GET A LITTLE NERVOUS GOING DOOR TO DOOR. I BET IT'S TOUGH.

IT'S TOUGH. SO, CAN I MAKE YOU SOME EGGS, OR...

LET'S SEE WHAT I GOT. HOT DOGS? THAT'D BE GREAT.

REALLY? YEAH.

I CAN PUT 'EM BOTH TOGETHER. I CAN MAKE A HOT DOG OMELET.

HEY, LYNCH.

GOOD, THERE YOU ARE. WE'RE ALL SET FOR THE HALLOWEEN PARTY, RIGHT?

YEAH, LOOK, LYNCH. I'M BRINGING A DATE, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT? SO DON'T GIVE ME ANY CRAP ABOUT IT.

NO, NO. I'M JUST SAYING BE THERE ON TIME BECAUSE I HAVE TO PICK UP A LOT OF THE KIDS.

SO YOU NEED TO BE THERE BEFORE I GET THERE.

SHE IS GREAT LOOKING, LYNCH. I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT.

SHE'S HOT. I MEAN, UNBELIEVABLY HOT.

WELL, THAT'S... I'M JUST SAYING BE THERE ON TIME...

SHE'S HOT AND SHE LIKES ME. HOW'S THAT EQUATION FOR YOU?

ONE PLUS TWO EQUALS MCGUIRK. ALL RIGHT?

YES, THAT'S AMAZING. TWO PLUS FOUR EQUALS SHE'S HOT.

HMM. SIX MINUS FOUR EQUALS THAT MAKES MCGUIRK HAPPY.

LOOK, JUST SHOW UP IN COSTUME. YEAH.

YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO BE A LITTLE CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING AS, ARE YOU?

THAT'S A HINT. CURIOUS. A HINT AS TO...

WHAT I'M GOING AS, YES. CURIOUS?

RIGHT. HITLER?

NO, NO, NO.

I'M A KITTY. I'M A KITTY. CURIOUS AS A...

I'M GOING AS A KITTY. KITTY-KITTY. MEOW.

MEOW, MCGUIRK. MEOW.

WHERE'S KITTY'S MILK?

LYNCH, DID YOU JUST LICK ME? MEOW.

YOU JUST LICKED ME. KITTY LICKED YOU.

LYNCH. MEOW.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE TALKING TO YOU. MEOW.

AND NOW I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU.

LINDA, CAN YOU GET THAT? ALL RIGHT.

TRICK OR TREAT! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

GHOSTS. SCARY GHOSTS.

YEAH. HOW ORIGINAL.

WHAT? YOU'RE GHOSTS. BOO.

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE? YEAH, AN UGLY HOUSEWIFE?

OKAY. TRAILER TRASH JUNKIE WHO'S PREGNANT?

THAT'S RIGHT. SLAM.

LINDA, MY FIN FELL OFF AGAIN.

WHERE'S THE STAPLE GUN?

NO, I DON'T WANT ANY MORE STAPLES ON MY BACK.

TRICK OR TREAT.

SMELL MY FEET. GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT.

THANK YOU. NONE FOR ME, THANKS.

IS BRENDON READY TO GO, THE OTHER MRS. SMALL?

DON'T CALL ME THE OTHER MRS. SMALL, OKAY? CALL ME LINDA.

LINDA. AH.

HE'S ALMOST READY.

HI, MR. LYNCH. THANKS FOR PICKING EVERYONE UP.

NO PROBLEM. KITTY LIKES TO DRIVE.

MEOW.

YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT? I'LL BE FINE.

HEY, BRENDON, NICE COSTUME.

I CAN SEE WHY YOU KEPT IT A SECRET.

NO, GUYS, THIS ISN'T WHAT I WAS GONNA...

MR. LYNCH STOLE MY IDEA. I WAS GONNA BE A KITTY CAT.

WHAT ARE YOU NOW? I'M A FISH.

IT'S GOOD. IT'S... AWFUL.

OH, BOY. WATCH OUT. KITTY LOVES FISH. MMM, MEOW.

GET AWAY! HE'S BEEN DOING THAT ALL NIGHT.

- WE SHOULD GET GOING. - WELL, LET'S GET SCRATCHIN'.

BYE, LINDA.

BYE, LINDA.

OW. OW. OH, I THINK THE BABY'S...

THE BABY'S WHAT? BABY COMING.

OH, MY GOD. I THINK THE BABY'S COMING. BABY... COMING.

YOU READY? YES.

HERE I COME. TA-DA!

HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, MY GOD. YOU LOOK HOT.

REALLY? YEAH.

I THOUGHT I LOOKED HIDEOUS, BUT IT WAS FUNNY.

NO, IT-IT SUITS YOU.

I PUT A PILLOW IN MY BUTT. YOU'RE FULL-BODIED.

YEAH. AND THESE ARE CHUNKY SOUP CANS.

SMART. YEAH. I'M A BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

YOU WANNA LITTLE HELP WITH YOUR EYE SHADOW? YEAH, AND I WANT A LOT OF IT.

YOUR, UM... YOUR HAND SMELLS NICE.

SO DOES YOURS. OH, THANKS.

I USE COCONUT SOAP. IT'S JAPANESE.

WOW. IT'S-IT'S REALLY PUNGENT.

YEAH, I USE A LOT OF IT. YOU SMELL PUNGENT TOO.

LIKE NOT JUST YOUR HAND.

REALLY? YEAH, EVERYTHING SMELLS.

NICE, UM, PANTY HOSE.

YEAH, THEY WERE MY MOM'S.

THAT'S SWEET. YEAH.

OW. OW. OW. DON'T BITE.

SORRY.

OH, GOD.

WHAT ABOUT THE PARTY? WE'LL BE LATE. IT WON'T KILL US.

OH, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS, MCGUIRK.

FOR WHAT? FOR-FOR THIS MOMENT WITH...

OH, OH. YEAH.

I CAN TAKE THE WIG OFF. NO, NO, LEAVE THE WIG ON, PLEASE.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

SHOULD I TAKE THIS DRESS OFF? GOD, NO!

'CAUSE IT'S REALLY, YOU KNOW... IT'S TIGHT. NO, IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD.

OKAY, I'LL LEAVE IT ON. OKAY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD, UM, GO TO THE BEDROOM.

UM, WE'RE IN IT. REALLY?

YEAH, IT'S A MURPHY BED.

WELL, LET'S UNFOLD THIS BABY. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH. OW. WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE. MY ARM JUST FELL ASLEEP.

THAT'S WEIRD.

WOW. MY ARM... HOLD ON, HOLD ON. NO PROBLEM.

OW. OH, YEAH.

JUST WAIT. OKAY, GRR.

OW. WHAT IS IT? MY CHEST FEELS TIGHT.

YOU BIG GIRL GUY, YOU. OW.

OH, BOY. WHAT?

OW! WHAT?

OW! OH, MY GOD! WHAT?

OH, BOY! WHAT?

COME ON! COME ON!

CALL AN AMBULANCE! WHAT?

CALL AN AMBULANCE! CALL AN AMBULANCE!

NOW? FOR REAL?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

SEND AN AMBULANCE, QUICK! OKAY, WAIT.

WHAT'S-WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS? I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW? I FORGOT.

CHECK THE NUMBER. HOLD ON, PLEASE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THERE'S MAIL ON THE TABLE.

SO, DOC, I'M FEELING FINE NOW. I'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

SO SIGN ME OUT. ME AND HER, WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO A PARTY. WINK, WINK.

WE WERE. WINK, WINK. YEAH.

WELL, I DON'T WANNA HOLD UP YOUR WINKING. NICE EARRINGS BY THE WAY. WINK, WINK.

THANKS. MR. MCGUIRK, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

TILL WE GET THE X-RAYS AND THE BLOOD WORK BACK.

YOU'VE HAD A HEART ATTACK. OH, MY GOD!

NO WAY. REALLY? NURSE, START AN I.V. AND GIVE HIM SOME NITRO.

PRETTY YOUNG FOR HEART ATTACKS, AREN'T WE, MR. MCGUIRK?

YEAH, WOW. I AM PRETTY YOUNG FOR A HEART ATTACK, HUH?

WHAT'S YOUR DIET LIKE? UM, I DON'T DIET.

MM-HMM. I DRINK A LOT.

THAT MIGHT DO IT. I DID THIS!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DID IT? NO, DON'T...

WOULD YOU CARE TO MAKE A STATEMENT? NO, STEPHANIE, NO.

I HAD BEEN WARNED AND I DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION. WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S HAPPENED ONCE BEFORE. YOU DID THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE?

IT WAS A WHILE AGO. I WAS YOUNGER. WELL, WHO?

A COLLEGE PROFESSOR. GEEZ.

HE DIED. OH, GREAT. YOU'RE A KILLER.

I'M SORRY. I HAVE TO GO HAVE A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW.

WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE AND GIVE THEM A HEART ATTACK AGAIN?

YOU'RE OKAY. OW.

YOU'RE OKAY. PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT.

OW! YOU'RE OKAY.

PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT. I'M NOT OKAY. I'M HAVING A BABY.

KNOCK, KNOCK. HELLO.

HI, MAMA. LINDA, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?

WELL, THERE IS NO BAD NEWS. WHAT?

THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS THERE'S NO BAD NEWS.

BUT YOU SAID THERE WAS GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

YEAH. SO WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?

I THINK HE'S SAYING... OKAY, LET ME...

THERE'S GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS, AND THE GOOD NEWS IS NOT BAD.

AND THE BAD NEWS IS GOOD, RIGHT? RIGHT.

OH, I GET IT. IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?

YES! EXACTLY!

THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY. I'M HAVING A BABY!

I THINK IT'S FUNNY. WELL, THANK YOU.

OW, SH...

OH, THAT'S A BIG ONE. I THINK THIS BABY'S COMING, FOLKS.

BRING IT ON. WE'RE LOCKED AND LOADED. NO, NO. PUT THAT AWAY.

CUT! CUT! THERE IS NO VIDEOTAPING OF BIRTHS ALLOWED HERE.

OW, FU... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M NOT VIDEOTAPING, DOCTOR. I'M MAKING A FILM.

YOU'RE IN IT. THERE'S A PART FOR YOU IN IT.

I'M IN IT? YEAH, OF COURSE. IT'S A PART WITH A DOCTOR.

I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE. LET ME SEE THAT.

IT'S BASICALLY ABOUT CHILDBIRTH, BUT THE REAL FOCUS IS ON YOU.

THIS IS JUST SOME CHILDISH GIBBERISH. IT'S A LITTLE ROUGH...

NO, I LIKE IT. I LIKE CHILDISH GIBBERISH. SO DOES AMERICA.

THIS IS REALLY GOOD! REALLY?

THIS IS REALLY GOOD. IT'S A FIRST DRAFT. IT'S NOT FINISHED. THANK YOU.

OH, FU... OH, BACK TO THE BABY.

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT IT, OFFHAND?

I MEAN, LIKE WHAT DID YOU... BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU GET... HOLY FU...

GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR THIS FU... PAIN NOW!

HEY, LINDA, REMEMBER, LIKE IN CLASS, JUST RELAX, JUST RELAX.

THERE, THERE. I'LL PAT YOU ON THE HEAD.

SHUT THE FU... UP, YOU LITTLE FU...

HEY, WHOA. WHAT'S...

IT'S OKAY. THAT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL BEHAVIOR... CROSS-GENDER HATRED.

BUT THAT'S NOT NORMAL. SHE SWORE AT ME.

SHUT THE FU... UP, YOU LITTLE MOVIEMAKING PIECE OF SH...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT

YOU TALKED TO ME THAT WAY. SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

THAT'S GOOD. USE IT, LINDA.

I'M LEAVING!

GOOD. DOCTOR, I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE ME THIS WAY!

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON THE WAY OUT!

WHAT? YOU HEARD ME!

NO, I WAS OUTSIDE? WHAT?

SPEAKING OF DOORS, WE ARE OPENING REAL WIDE HERE. YOU'RE DOING WELL, LINDA.

HI. I'M A FRIEND OF LINDA'S.

HI. I'M PAULA. HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI, PAULA. OH, THIS IS MY SON, BR...

OH, I GUESS HE HAD TO GO GET A SNACK.

TRULY I'M SORRY! KNOCK, KNOCK! THAT'S MY SON BRENDON.

WHO'S THERE? YOU!

YOU TOO!

- NICE KID. - YOU!

WELL, I GUESS YOU TWO SHOULD STAY WITH KITTY. YOU!

GOOD, GOOD. OH, LOOK AT THIS. WHO WANTS SOME CANDY?

MELISSA, SAY TRICK OR TREAT. TRICK OR TREAT.

OKAY, THERE YOU GO. JASON, TRICK OR TREAT?

NO, THANK YOU. TRICK MEOW OR MEOW TREAT MEOW.

MR. LYNCH, JASON QUIT CANDY. HE DOESN'T WANT ANY.

YEAH, RIGHT. WHO QUITS CANDY?

I KNOW YOU KIDS. JASON, TRICK OR MEOW TREAT?

NO, THANK YOU. MEOW OR MEOW TREAT?

JASON, BE STRONG. CANDY.

MR. LYNCH, STOP. TRICK OR MEOW, MEOW OR TREAT?

NO, DON'T... DON'T, MR. LYNCH. TRICK OR TREAT?

TRICK OR TREAT?

I CAN'T TAKE THE TRICK OR MEOW TREAT!

MEOW. JASON, NO!

YOU DON'T NEED TO WATCH THIS, MELISSA! I CAN'T WATCH IT!

WHY? WHAT... I'M CHANGING!

NO! I'M CHANGING!

TELL ME TO SHUT UP? YOU SHUT UP. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I MEAN, COME ON.

BRENDON? COACH MCGUIRK?

HEY. OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU... ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?

IT'S A COSTUME, BRENDON. WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A SALAMANDER?

I'M A FISH. OH.

COACH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I'M DYING, BRENDON.

I'M DYING. NO, REALLY.

WELL, I HAD A HEART ATTACK. WOW, YOU ARE DYING. GEEZ.

HAVE A SEAT. NO, I GOTTA...

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD END LIKE THIS. HOW DID YOU THINK?

I FIGURED MAYBE A BULLET IN THE BACK. SURE.

OR A KNIFE IN THE BACK. RIGHT.

MAYBE HIT BY A TRAIN. IN THE BACK?

IN THE BACK, YEAH. A LOT OF THE STUFF, I'M TURNED AWAY.

RIGHT. FROM WHAT'S HAPPENING. I DON'T KNOW IT'S GONNA HIT ME.

RIGHT. I GUESS WHEN YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK,

YOU START THINKING ABOUT THESE THINGS.

WELL, I MEAN... I WAS THINKING, WOW, I ALMOST DIED.

COACH, YOU'RE KIND OF DEPRESSING ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAY? YOU SICK?

MY FATHER'S WIFE IS HAVING A BABY. A BABY? ISN'T THAT IRONIC.

LIFE EXPLODES INTO THE WORLD IN ALL ITS BEAUTIFUL FURY

WHILE DEATH WAITS AT MY DOORSTEP.

RIGHT. OH, MY GOD. IT'S DEATH!

COACH, IT'S ME, MELISSA. OH, MY GOD. IT'S MELISSA.

THIS IS MY COSTUME.

MELISSA, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE WALKING AROUND THE HOSPITAL DRESSED AS DEATH.

COACH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? AND WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A WOMAN?

BECAUSE IT'S FREEING. LISTEN, I JUST MADE A DECISION.

I'M GONNA CHANGE MY WAYS. OKAY. HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN JASON?

- NO. - BRENDON, CAN YOU VIDEOTAPE THIS, PLEASE?

VIDEOTAPE WHAT? MY PLEDGE FOR A BETTER LIFE!

WAIT. JASON'S MISSING? HE STARTED EATING CANDY AGAIN.

- OH, NO. - ARE YOU READY? GO AHEAD.

PRESS RECORD. WE GOING?

UH, YEAH. ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS TAPE IS A PRESCRIPTION

FOR A BETTER LIFE, A RICHER LIFE.

I'M GONNA BE A BETTER PERSON AND I'M GONNA HELP KIDS... MORE.

I'M GONNA LEARN HOW TO PLAY SOCCER.

THERE, I SAID IT, ON TAPE. I'VE NEVER PLAYED SOCCER.

- ALL RIGHT. - I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH.

WAIT, I'M NOT DONE YET.

AND I'M GONNA GET MY PILOT'S LICENSE, LIKE JOHN TRAVOLTA,

BECAUSE HE'S AMAZING. HE HAS HIS OWN PLANE.

YEAH, HE LIVES LIFE TO THE FULLEST. ALL RIGHT.

AND I'M GONNA... I THINK I GOT THIS.

NO, I'M NOT DONE. MELISSA? JASON?

WHERE ARE YOU? KITTY IS UPSET.

MEOW! MEOW!

JASON?

OH, MY GOSH. WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?

GLUCOSE. GO AWAY. I WILL NOT GO AWAY.

YOU... YOU MADE ME THIS WAY! SHH.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. OH, CANDY.

NO MORE CANDY. CANDY.

I NEED MORE! LET GO OF ME, MELISSA! LET GO!

I WILL NOT! LET GO!

I'LL NEVER LET GO! LET GO, YOU CRAPPY BI...

OW! SNAP OUT OF IT!

OW! NOW LISTEN TO ME!

NO! OW! YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE?

OH, NO, PLEASE. I'M SORRY I HAD TO DO THAT AGAIN.

OW! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I'M CALM.

I'M CALM. OW. MELISSA, I SAID I WAS CALM.

SORRY. IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE GONNA ACT UP AGAIN.

NO, I SAID I WAS CALM. THAT'S WHY I SAID IT.

JASON! OW. MELISSA...

NO TALKING BACK! I'M NOT.

NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME. I AM LISTENING.

I NEED YOU TO CALM DOWN. I TOLD YOU, MELISSA...

I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO... OW!

MELISSA, PLEASE. STOP SLAPPING ME.

CALM DOWN, JASON. NO, BUT...

JASON! OW! I'M NOT...

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU? I AM CALM! OW!

I'M CALM, MELISSA! STOP SLAPPING! I'M CALM!

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY! OW!

UH, ANYBODY SEE DEATH AND A SALESMAN?

SURE. ARTHUR MILLER. IT'S A CLASSIC.

UH, THANK YOU. KITTY WILL CONTINUE ITS HUNT.

HMM. UNLOCKED. MEOW. OH. HMM.

CANDY WRAPPERS ON THE MEOW. VERY CURIOUS.

MEOW!

KITTY BETTER LAND ON HIS FEET! OW!

JASON, I HEARD. YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU GONNA BE OKAY? I HAD TO SMACK HIM A FEW TIMES.

YEAH, SHE DID. SHE DID? HOW WAS IT?

I LOVED IT. ME TOO.

I STARTED MY OWN RELIGION, PAULA. THAT'S GREAT!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN? NOPE.

SO, HOW'S IT GOING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HOW'S IT GOING?

I HAD A HEART ATTACK. YEAH, I KNOW, BUT LIKE BESIDES THAT.

OH. I'M FINE. HOW YOU DOING? FINE. THANK YOU.

HERE'S FIVE BUCKS. GET ME A CORNED BEEF SANDWICH. I'M STARVING.

I WANNA THANK EVERYBODY FOR HELPING OUT.

BRENDON, I'M SO HAPPY YOU VIDEOTAPED THE WHOLE THING.

GOD, I MIGHT CRY.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA NAME THE BABY?

HOW ABOUT... JESUS?

- THAT'S, UH... - OOH.

HOW ABOUT MR. ME-OW MEOW?

MR. LYNCH, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED? I FELL DOWN A FU... FLIGHT OF FU... STAIRS

BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR YOUR ASS, MEOW.

THAT'S JUST THE DRUGS TALKING.

WOW. I LIKE THOSE. CAN I HAVE THOSE?

THE ONES THAT MAKE YOU GO "MEOW"?

MEOW. DOCTOR?

LET ME CALL DOWN. WHO WANTS DRUGS?

ANYONE ELSE?

- I'M MAKING A RUN. - WHAT THE HELL.

- WHO WANTS TO PARTY? - I'M A CAT.

MOM, CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE AND GO TRICK-OR-TREATING?

BRENDON, I THINK IT'S TOO LATE TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING?

ANYBODY WANT SOME OF LINDA'S PLACENTA? I'M JUST GONNA THROW IT OUT.