Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

REALLY, BRENDON, I'M SERIOUS, I CAN'T KEEP DRIVING YOU TO SCHOOL LIKE THIS.

ACTUALLY, MOM, I THINK YOU CAN. YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE THE BUS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'VE GOT A CAR.

THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME IN TWO WEEKS. YOU GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

YOU KNOW I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO.

NO. WHEN I LEAVE IN THE MORNING, YOU'RE WAVING,

AND WHEN I GET BACK YOU'RE STILL THERE IN THE SAME PLACE.

YOU SOUND TIRED.

IT'S BECAUSE I WOKE UP LIKE FOUR MINUTES AGO.

HEY, WHY ARE YOU PULLING OVER?

I HAVE TO MAIL SOMETHING.

GET ME A COFFEE.

NO! YEAH.

HEY, JOSIE. UH, GESUNDHEIT.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU SICK?

YOU NEED A HANKY? HERE.

I WANT YOU IN BED EARLY TONIGHT.

I WANT YOU IN BED EARLY TONIGHT.

AND I WANT YOU UP EARLY TOMORROW.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA MISS THE BUS AGAIN. MOM, MOM.

OKAY, SWEETIE, HAVE A GOOD DAY. MOM.

MOM, YOU DROVE ME BACK HOME. OH, SH...

♪♪

HERE'S AN IMPRESSION YOU'RE GONNA LIKE. TELL ME IF YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS.

HEY, STUPID-HEADS.

UH, MY FATHER?

YOU GUYS SHOULD GET THIS.

DO IT AGAIN. YEAH, DO IT AGAIN.

OKAY, LET ME DO IT. DO IT AGAIN.

LET ME DO IT. OKAY.

HEY, STUPID-HEADS, KICK THE STUPID BALL.

UH, COACH MCGUIRK. RIGHT. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE HIM.

OKAY, UM, HEY, WHO'S THIS?

UH, I'M JUST AN IDIOT. UH, I'M AN IDIOT.

UH, JIMMY STEWART? COACH MCGUIRK?

NO, NO. IT'S MR. LYNCH.

WALTER, I WAS GONNA SAY MR. LYNCH. I BELIEVE YOU, PERRY.

EVERYBODY, GUESS WHO THIS IS.

I'M A LITTLE DAFFODIL.

LITTLE, LITTLE, FURRY-FACED DAFFODIL. BEAUTIFUL.

LET ME SEE, UH... I'M BEAUTIFUL.

UH, MY FATHER?

WAS THAT COACH MCGUIRK? NO, PERRY, IT'S YOU.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE, WALTER. YEAH.

THANKS. WALTER, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO HURT ME?

PERRY! NEVER.

IT WAS AN HOMAGE. REALLY?

YEAH. IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY.

OH! THAT'S WHY I DRESS LIKE YOU! THAT'S WHY I DRESS LIKE YOU.

YOU DRESS LIKE ME? I DRESS LIKE YOU.

YOU DRESS LIKE ME? I DRESS LIKE YOU.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. THAT WAS GREAT. YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.

BRENDON, DO YOUR IMPRESSION OF JUNIOR ADDLEBURG. IT'S REALLY FUNNY.

WAIT, WAIT. FIRST, I CAN DO A NIXON. I HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET THE MASK.

LET BRENDON DO HIS FIRST.

WHY DOES BRENDON ALWAYS GET TO DO IMPRESSIONS?

'CAUSE HE'S GOOD AT IT. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HIS JUNIOR?

IT'S GOOD. WHATEVER.

YEAH, DO JUNIOR! DO IT!

OKAY, OKAY, READY?

WHAT IS A NOISE I DO?

THE TRICK IS NO REALLY SAY ANYTHING.

THAT WAS OKAY. IT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE HIM.

THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE HIM. SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH, JASON, THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE HIM.

YOU... YOU SUCK, JASON.

SORRY. SORRY. SOMETIMES THINGS SLIP OUT LIKE THAT.

I HATE YOU. JUST KIDDING. HA-HA!

THAT'S BETTER.

BRENDON, DO MORE JUNIOR.

THE WHOLE IDEA, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAY.

THAT IS, UH, JUNIOR.

HEY, I BE HERE ALL WEEK.

HEY, EVERYBODY, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

WHAT'S SO FUNNY OVER THERE?

HEY, HOW YOU DO?

LOOK AT ME. I'M, UH, SOUND LIKE YOUSE.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

THAT SOUND LIKE ME.

MAYBE THEY THINK I SOUND LIKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHO HIT HIM?

NOBODY HIT HIM, MR. LYNCH. BRENDON WAS MAKING FUN OF HIM, MR. LYNCH.

OH, WELL. THANKS, JASON.

MAYBE NEXT TIME, YOU'LL LET ME DO MY NIXON.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, JUNIOR?

THEY WERE SO CRUEL AND MADE "FUNS" OF ME.

FORGET IT, FORGET IT. BRENDON, COME HERE.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? BRENDON.

GET OVER HERE. WHY WERE YOU MAKING FUN OF HIM?

WE WERE JUST PLAYING AROUND.

OH, I SEE. YOU WERE JUST PLAYING THE "HURTING SOMEONE'S FEELINGS" GAME.

YES. I MEAN, NO. NO, IT'S...

LOOK. WHAT?

QUIET. YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE.

I KNOW...

KEEP THAT UP AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE ON A LONG ROAD TO TROUBLE.

DO YOU HEAR ME? BUT WE'RE NOT BEING SERIOUS. WE'RE JUST JOKING AROUND.

IT'S NOT LIKE SAYING, "MR. LYNCH WEARS THE SAME THING EVERY DAY AND HE SMELLS LIKE CHEESE."

WELL, GOOD. I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT. LOOK.

I, UH, UM... I'M... WELL, DON'T LET ME SEE THIS AGAIN.

OKAY.

♪♪

OH, COME ON. KICK IT!

KICK THE BALL! DON'T RUB IT!

YOU KIDS WANNA BE LOSERS YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

PLAY WELL! PLAY SOCCER!

BRENDON, WHAT'S THE SCORE? 14 TO NOTHING.

TOO LATE! YOU'RE ALL LOSERS!

GAME OVER!

OH, COME ON, REF! SHE TRIPPED HIM!

YELLOW CARD! YELLOW CARD, REF!

CALL A YELLOW CARD!

BRENDON, WHAT'S A YELLOW CARD?

UH, IT'S ACTUALLY A YELLOW CARD.

IT'S LITERAL. YEAH.

THAT'S IDIOTIC. YEAH, WELL...

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU SICK? NO, NO, NO.

I GOT YELLED AT BY MR. LYNCH THIS MORNING.

SO? YELL BACK AT HIM. WHAT'D HE YELL AT YOU FOR?

I WAS DOING MY IMPRESSION OF THAT KID, JUNIOR ADDLEBURG,

AND JUNIOR HEARS ME AND STARTS CRYING, YOU KNOW.

THAT WAS IT? UH, YEAH.

HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR MY JIMMY STEWART? OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. UM, WHAT'S A LINE FROM THAT MOVIE?

UM... IT'S A WONDERFUL WORLD, THAT MOVIE.

THAT CHRISTMAS MOVIE. GIVE ME A LINE FROM THAT.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, YEAH.

READY? HERE WE GO. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

HEY, CLARENCE, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

EVERY TIME AN ANGEL RINGS...

EVERY TIME AN ANGEL RINGS A BELL, HE GETS HIS WINGS.

ALL RIGHT? NOW POUR ME ANOTHER BRANDY. THAT'S MY DAD.

THAT'S NOT BAD. WHO ARE YOU DOIN'?

THAT WAS MY DAD WATCHING IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

OH. WANNA HEAR MY DAD WATCHING DOG DAY AFTERNOON?

OKAY. HEY, SAL, PUT THE GUN DOWN. NOW GET ME A BEER!

DO DUSTIN HOFFMAN.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO DUSTIN HOFFMAN FROM TOOTSIE. READY? RIGHT.

HEY, LOOK AT ME. I'M IN A DRESS.

NO ONE KNOWS I'M A WOMAN. SCENT OF A WOMAN.

THAT'S GOOD. YOU KINDA DID A COMBINATION OF...

DO JUNIOR. DO JUNIOR?

YEAH, MAKE ME LAUGH.

AH, YOU DON'T... WHAT AM I HERE FOR?

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. HE HAS A FUNNY WAY OF TALK.

I HAVE A BUSHY EYEBROW.

HE DOES. I, UH, TALK FUNNY!

I TALK WEIRD!

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, BRENDON.

THANK YOU.

HEY, EVERYBODY! HE'S MAKIN' FUN OF ME!

DID HE GET MAD AT YOU FOR DOIN' IT?

YEAH, HE GOT MAD.

HEY, MR. LYNCH, COME AND SAVE ME!

EVERYONE MAKIN' FUN OF ME!

DO LYNCH NOW. MAKE FUN OF MR. LYNCH.

HEY, I'M, UH, MR. LYNCH!

MR. LYNCH AS THE OTHER KID!

I LIKE, UH, PENCIL LEAD!

HEY, WHAT'S, UH, EVERYONE LAUGHING AT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, NO!

OH, NO! EVERYONE BE MAKIN' FUN OF ME AGAIN!

BRENDON! UH-OH.

DID YOU NOT HEAR ME BEFORE?

DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MR. LYNCH, I... THIS IS THE SAME THING YOU DID BEFORE.

THIS IS THE SAME EXACT THING. I KINDA DID A DIFFERENT THING.

YOU DIDN'T LEARN YOUR LESSON, DID YOU?

WELL, YOU WILL BE LEARNING YOUR LESSON SATURDAY AT THE SENSITIVITY SEMINAR.

WHAT? IN FACT, SINCE ALL YOU KIDS FIND MAKING FUN OF SOMEONE SO FUNNY,

I WANT ALL OF YOU TO REPORT TO THE SENSITIVITY SEMINAR ON SATURDAY.

OR FACE DETENTION!

CALM DOWN, LYNCH. IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

HE WAS DOING AN IMPRESSION OF A KID. IT WAS FUNNY. THE KID'S WEIRD.

INCLUDING YOU, MCGUIRK. YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, LYNCH?

LOOK, MCGUIRK, TICKET SALES HAVE BEEN KIND OF SLOW, OKAY?

I'LL PAY YOU TO GO.

ALL RIGHT. EVERYONE'S GOING TO SENSITIVITY SEMINAR ON SATURDAY.

YOU KNOW, THE REASON I MUST DO THOSE THINGS

IS BECAUSE I MUST WANT ATTENTION.

I'M NOT THAT POPULAR... YEAH, BRENDON, IT'S OKAY.

I MEAN, YOU'RE A GOOD GUY. I KNOW THAT. YEAH, YOU'RE A GOOD GUY TOO.

YEAH, I KNOW THAT. NO HARD FEELINGS. I WAS JUST KINDA GOOFING AROUND.

IT WASN'T VERY NICE. I KNOW THAT.

SO, UM, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I'M, UH, READING THE PAPER. OKAY, WELL...

HEY, BRENDON, COME TO MY HOUSE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN. BRING YOUR FAMILY TO MY HOUSE. WE'LL HAVE SOME DINNER.

UM, OKAY. WHAT?

HEY, MOM. I'M HOME!

I GOT IN TROUBLE TODAY. I HAVE TO GO TO A SEMINAR SATURDAY.

I APOLOGIZED TO JUNIOR. HE INVITED US TO DINNER AT HIS HOUSE.

I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS. NOT SO FAST, YOUNG MAN.

MOM, HI. UH, I'M GOING DOWNSTAIRS.

NOT SO FAST. OH. UM, UH...

WHAT ABOUT A HUG? HUG?

A HUG. OH, A HUG. YEAH.

I'M WAITING FOR MY HUG. YEAH, OKAY.

HEY, COME HERE. OKAY, I'M GONNA GET GOIN'.

AH-AH-AH! UH-OH.

WHERE'S MY KISS? OH, RIGHT. KISS.

MWAH. AND I'M GONNA GET GOIN'. SEE YOU LATER. NICE RUNNIN' INTO YOU AGAIN.

SEE YOU LATER. BRENDON.

WHAT WAS THAT PART AGAIN ABOUT YOU GETTING IN TROUBLE

THAT YOU SAID EARLIER REALLY, REALLY FAST.

I SAID I GOT IN TROUBLE REALLY FAST. WHY?

'CAUSE, UH, MR. LYNCH CALLED EARLIER.

MOM! SO YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME.

WHAT WAS THIS CRAP WITH THE KISSING AND HUGGING AND ALL?

I FIGURED I'D GET A KISS AND HUG BEFORE I SEND YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

YOU ARE A NASTY MAMA.

OKAY, GOT THE COOKIES, GOT MILK, CLIPBOARD, REMOTE.

OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT.

I'M ALL YOU'VE GOT, BRAD AND RITA.

I'M YOUR ONLY CHANCE OF GETTING OUT ALIVE.

BUT IF YOU HURT THOSE HOSTAGES, I CAN'T GUARANTEE YOU'LL GET OUT ALIVE.

I THINK I MIGHT CUT RIGHT THERE.

HOW DO I TURN THIS THING UP?

I'M ALL YOU'VE GOT!

YOUR ONLY CHANCE OF GETTING OUT ALIVE.

UH, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

OH, BOY, JASON.

GUYS, IN SUMMATION,

HOSTAGES ALIVE,

ME, ALL YOU'VE GOT.

YOU GUYS DEFINITELY WANNA GET OUT ALIVE.

HELLO?

OH, HELLO? HI, MR. ADDLEBURG?

HELLO? THIS IS PAULA SMALL.

OH, WELL, HELLO, PAULA.

OH, THAT'S WEIRD.

I JUST TRIED TO CALL FOR A PIZZA AND YOU WAS ON THE PHONE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

COULD YOU REPEAT THAT? OH, I FORGET WHAT I SAY.

ROBBING THIS BANK MAY HAVE BEEN THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WE'VE EVER MADE, RITA.

WE REALLY SHOT OURSELVES IN THE FOOT THIS TIME, DIDN'T WE?

YEAH, YEAH, WE DID. AND WE SHOT THE GUARD IN THE FOOT TOO.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THAT. WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET OUT OF THIS.

WE'RE GONNA BE KILLED OR GO TO JAIL FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

I JUST WANTED A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU AND ME AND THE BABY.

OH, JASON, GEEZ. OVERACT A LITTLE, WHY DON'T YOU?

- GOTTA TONE THAT DOWN. - CUT.

JASON, YOU GOTTA BE BIGGER.

OUCH.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M BEIN' PRETTY BIG.

TRUST ME. IT'S A BIG LINE. YOU GOTTA SAY IT BIG.

I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

I JUST WANTED A BETTER LIFE... STOP. STOP.

YOU GOTTA GET BIGGER THAN THAT.

I JUST WANTED A BETTER... BIGGER, BIGGER, BIGGER.

IT'S GOTTA BE BIGGER THAN THAT.

BIGGER THAN THAT? BIGGER? OKAY.

I JUST WANTED A BETTER LIFE... STOP, STOP, STOP. BIGGER.

BIGGER THAN THAT. BIGGER?

YEAH. SERIOUSLY?

YEAH. BIGGER.

LET ME HEAR YOU. ACTION.

BETTER LIFE!

BETTER LI...

SO ANYWAY, KEN, I WAS WONDERING IF THERE WAS SOMETHING

WE COULD BRING TO DINNER ON SATURDAY.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S NOT SO MUCH A BIG DEAL

BECAUSE WE WILL HAVE ALL THE FOOD HERE, HUH?

YOU BRING SOMETHING?

YOU BRING SOMETHING? NO.

YOU BRING SOMETHING? NO.

OKAY, GREAT. I'LL BRING THAT.

OKAY. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH.

CUT. OOH, GEEZ.

WHAT A MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT YOU'VE BECOME, JASON.

BRENDON, BACK OFF. YOU'RE BEING A JERK.

I'M BEING A JERK? I'M TRYING TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE.

YOU ARE BEING A JERK. YOU KNOW SOMETHING THERE?

WHAT? YOU'RE A JERK.

YOU'RE A JERK. REALLY? YOU'RE A JERK.

KNOW WHAT ELSE? YOU'RE A JERK.

KNOW WHAT JUST OCCURRED TO ME? YOU'RE A JERK.

KNOW WHAT I JUST THOUGHT OF? YOU'RE A JERK.

KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A JERK. YOU'RE THE JERK.

YOU'RE A JERK. YOU WERE KIND OF BEING A JERK.

YOU'RE BOTH A JERK. WHY'S JASON A JERK? YOU'RE THE JERK.

KNOW SOMETHING? I'M NOT A JERK.

GUESS WHAT? JASON, YOU'RE FIRED.

REHIRE JASON.

BRENDON. WHAT? YOU'RE FIRED, JASON. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE IN THE SCRIPT.

THIS ISN'T ON THE SCRIPT. THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. OH.

YOU'RE FIRED, JASON. BRENDON.

HOW? I'M THE GUY, THE HOSTAGE.

I'LL REPLACE YOU. YOU'RE REPLACEABLE.

APOLOGIZE TO JASON.

YOU'RE REPLACEABLE. YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MELISSA?

WHAT? AS LONG AS I'M A JERK, YOU'RE FIRED.

APOLOGIZE TO MELISSA.

YOU CAN'T FIRE US, 'CAUSE WE QUIT.

GO AHEAD. GET OUT OF HERE. WHO CARES?

SEND FLOWERS TO MELISSA.

♪♪

OKAY, OKAY, QUIET, PLEASE.

THANK YOU. WELCOME TO...

NO, I DON'T MEAN QUIET ON THE VOLUME.

TURN MY MICROPHONE UP.

OH, BOY.

OH. THANK YOU.

WELL, WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "IMPROVING YOUR LIFE THROUGH IMPROV,"

A.K.A., THE SENSITIVITY SEMINAR.

PRESENTED BY THE MATH DEPARTMENT AND YOURS TRULY.

THANK YOU. HMM.

QUIET, PLEASE.

PLEASE WELCOME WITH A ROUSING SENSITIVE ROUND OF ROUNDING APPLAUSE,

WE'RE JUST PEOPLE TOO!

HEY, THANK YOU!

WOW, YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT! DON'T THEY, JOSH?

ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS THE UGLIEST GROUP OF PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN!

THAT'S NOT BEING VERY SENSITIVE, JOSH.

IN FACT, LET'S START OFF WITH A LITTLE STORY FROM MATT

ON WHAT IT MEANS TO BE SENSITIVE AND UNDERSTANDING. MATT.

BOY, THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG AFTERNOON.

IT'S YOUR FAULT, BRENDON. LET'S NOT PLAY THE BLAME GAME.

TRY SAYING THAT THREE TIMES FAST. BET YOU CAN'T.

BLAME GAME, BLAME GAME, GAME BLAME. EASY.

WHAT'D I MISS? JASON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DON'T I GO TO SCHOOL HERE?

IT'S SATURDAY. OH.

YOU KNOW?

THANK YOU, MATT, FOR OPENING UP AND SHARING THAT VERY PAINFUL STORY.

OKAY, NOW IT'S TIME FOR AN IMPROV GAME!

QUICK, I NEED A CITY, AN OCCUPATION AND A SKIN COLOR.

HELLO. YEAH, THIS IS SHE.

WHAT? I WON.

OH, MY GOD. I WON.

♪♪

WASN'T THAT FUN?

I THINK THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? SHE'S AWFUL.

GWEN IS ACTUALLY EXTREMELY CHARMING AND THAT LILTING VOICE, FORGET IT.

I THINK YOU'RE CRAZY. OH, SHE'S GOT A HOLD OF ME.

NOW, I NEED SOME VOLUNTEERS.

OH, OH! PICK ME!

OKAY, HOW ABOUT...

YOU... AND YOU...

AND YOU... OH, YIPPEE!

I WIN! WHAT ABOUT ME?

IT'S OKAY, PERRY. I'LL REPRESENT YOU.

BUT WALTER, WE CAN'T BE SEPARATED. I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.

MISS! MISS!

YOU. ALL RIGHT, I WIN!

OH, I NEED ONE MORE.

PLEASE, PLEASE, HEY!

YOU. ME?

OH, ACTUALLY, I NEED ONE MORE.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

THIS IS NOT THE BATHROOM.

YOU! HUH?

GOD-BYE, MY LOVE. GOOD-BYE, LOVE, LOVE.

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART.

LYNCH, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

QUIET, AND LEARN SOMETHING. SHUT UP.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

BRENDON. OKAY, BRENDON,

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY AN IMPROVISATIONAL GAME CALLED FREEZE TAG.

BUT FIRST, AUDIENCE, WE NEED TO GIVE BRENDON AN OCCUPATION.

CEMENT MIXER!

I HEARD DENTAL HYGIENIST.

I DIDN'T. WHAT ABOUT AN OCCUPATION FOR ME?

I HEARD WINDOW WASHER.

WINDOW WASHER. GOOD ONE.

OKAY, BRENDON, YOU AND I ARE IN A DENTIST'S OFFICE.

YOU'RE CLEANING SOMEONE'S TEETH WHILE I'M CLEANING THE WINDOWS.

BOY, THESE WINDOWS SURE ARE DIRTY.

HOW ARE THE TEETH COMING?

OOPS, I DROPPED MY SPONGE. LET ME GET IT.

THERE IT IS. SLIPPERY SPONGE.

FREEZE!

SO NOW WE FREEZE IN WHATEVER POSITION WE'RE IN

AND JOSH COMES OVER AND TAGS THE PERSON HE WANTS TO REPLACE.

AND THEN HE TAKES THE SCENE IN AN EVEN FUNNIER DIRECTION. IT'S AWESOME!

FIRST TIME IN PRISON?

WHAT? TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH.

NOW YOU'RE A DOCTOR?

FREEZE!

ARE THESE SHOES TOO TIGHT THAT YOU'RE THINKING OF BUYING FROM ME, A SHOE SALESMAN?

MAYBE YOU NEED AN EXTRA-LARGE SIZE, EH, SASQUATCH?

FREEZE! I MEAN UNFREEZE. NEVER MIND. KEEP GOING.

FREEZE! HI, PERRY!

HI!

OH, MY GOD!

FREEZE.

HEY, BRENDON, FIRST TIME IN PRISON?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

SO I DROPPED MY SLIPPERY SPONGE.

EH, SASQUATCH? SHOE SALESMAN.

FREEZE!

UH, AM I STILL A DENTAL PERSON?

IS THAT BETTER, TIN MAN?

CAN YOU MOVE YOUR ARMS NOW, TIN MAN?

FREEZE!

ARE YOU GONNA TAG ONE OF US?

NO. NO. NO, I'M NOT. I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP.

THIS IS AWFUL.

SO WHEN I FINISH MY THESIS, I'LL HAVE A DOUBLE MASTERS IN EDUCATION AND IN SCIENCE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? UM...

I COLLECT WORLD WAR II STUFF.

HELMETS. I GOT TWO LUGERS. YOU GONNA FINISH THAT MILK?

HUH? SWEETHEART?

MM, YEAH.

NICE LEGS.

GEEZ. I WORK OUT.

SHAVE.

NOW WE COME TO THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF OUR SHOW, PEOPLE.

THE PART WHERE YOU LEAVE, I HOPE.

SHUT UP, BRENDON. YOU SHUT UP.

JOSH IS GONNA TALK ABOUT THE NEED TO BE SENSITIVE.

NOT JUST TO PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY,

BUT WHATEVER.

JOSH. THANKS, GWEN. LET ME TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE DIFFERENT.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HURT.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE STARED AT,

LAUGHED AT AND POINTED AT.

I KNOW WHAT IT...

THAT'S IT. 4:00.

AND THAT CONCLUDES MY 100 HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE, FOLKS.

I'M OUT OF HERE. ENJOY THE PIZZA. OH, UH, WORD OF ADVICE, KIDS.

NEVER PROTEST IN FRONT OF A FEDERAL BUILDING. YOU GET ARRESTED. PEACE, DUDES.

UH, TIME FOR THE CLOSING SONG.

♪ OOH, DA-DA-DA-DA-DEE-DA-DA-DA-DAA ♪

THIS IS A SONG I WROTE ABOUT TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING.

♪ I WATCHED A CATERPILLAR CHANGE INTO A BUTTERFLY TODAY ♪

♪ SHE WATCHED A CATERPILLAR CHANGE INTO A BUTTERFLY ♪ ♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ YOU CAN THROW ROCKS FROM YOUR HOUSE OF GLASS ♪

♪ AIN'T NO SKIN OFF OF MY ASS ♪

♪ AIN'T NO SKIN OF OF MY... AIN'T NO SKIN OFF OF MY ASS ♪

♪ AIN'T NO SKIN OFF OF MY ASS ♪ PEOPLE,

DON'T LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS BLACK AND WHITE.

LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS LIGHT AND DARK.

♪ AIN'T NO SKIN... ♪ BE SENSITIVE TODAY.

♪ AND YOU CAN THROW ROCKS FROM YOUR HOUSE OF GLASS ♪

♪ AIN'T NO SKIN OFF OF MY ASS ♪

♪ MY SWEET ASS, MY SWEET ASS, MY SWEET ASS ♪

♪ I LOVE MY ASS ♪

♪ MY SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET ASS ♪

♪ OH, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET ASS ♪

NOW REMEMBER, BRENDON...

DON'T MAKE FUN OF THE WAY THEY TALK.

I WAS GONNA SAY DON'T EAT LIKE A PIG, BUT, YEAH, WHAT YOU SAID.

BRENDON, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHAT?

IT'S NOT A BAD THING OR ANYTHING. IN FACT, IT'S GOOD. BUT KINDA BAD.

WHAT IS IT? REMEMBER WHEN I MAILED A BIG PACKAGE THE OTHER MORNING?

NO. I ENTERED A VIDEO CONTEST.

I SENT IN ONE OF YOUR VIDEOTAPES AND IT CAME IN THIRD PLACE.

YOU SENT IN... THIRD PLACE? THAT'S ALL?

YOU WON $500, BRENDON. $500? WOW. THAT'S AWESOME. REALLY?

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

WELL, MAYBE, BUT... WHAT MOVIE DID YOU SEND IN?

IT WASN'T EXACTLY A MOVIE. I MEAN, IT WAS A MOVIE, BUT YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT.

IT WAS A HOME MOVIE I TOOK OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD.

REMEMBER THAT ONE? UH, NO.

SURE YOU DO. YOU WERE SO CUTE. YOU WERE SINGING THE ALPHABET

AND LAUGHING AND THEN YOU PEED YOUR PANTS AND STARTED CRYING.

YOU SENT THAT IN?

OH, MOM, THAT IS SO EMBARRASSING.

I KNOW. I MEAN, I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT, BUT I KNEW IT WOULD WIN.

WELL, IT'S STILL EMBARRASSING KNOWING PEOPLE LOOKED AT THAT TAPE.

YEAH, WELL...

HOW ARE YOU DOING? HEY, COME ON IN. THERE'S...

I HAVE TO LAUGH SO MUCH. THEY'RE SHOWING THE VIDEO ON THE NEWS.

THEY'RE SHOWING... WHAT, THEY'RE SHOWING MY... THE VIDEO ON THE NEWS?

THEY'RE SHOWING THE VIDEO. COME ON IN.

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU.

HEY, QUIET, QUIET, QUIET. IT'S ON AGAIN. OH, NO.

PEOPLE CAN'T SEEM TO GET ENOUGH OF THIS VIDEO,

SO HERE IT IS AGAIN, LITTLE BRENDON SMALL.

♪ A, B, C, D... ♪ COME ON.

♪ E, F, G ♪ THAT'S IT.

♪ A, K, P, P, KA, MA, NA, NO, UH... ♪

CLOSE. PEE.

OH, MY GOD. HE PEED!

BRENDON. PEE. PEE, MOMMY.

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH PEE. PEE, MOM, LOOK.

OKAY, BRENDON, STOP WITH THE PEE.

OH, BOY.

♪♪