Original subtitles

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WELL, LOOKY AT US.

WE'RE THREE SAILORS ON SHORE LEAVE.

YEAH-A-ROONIE.

ARR! FEELS GOOD TO BE OFF THAT RUSTY BOAT,

EH, YOU STINKIN' VERMINS?

YES, SIR. YES, ARR.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR FUN, MATIES?

UH, I'D LIKE TO DO SOME SKETCHES OF BIRDLINGS.

OH, AND I WOULDN'T MIND CHECKING OUT SOME ANTIQUE FURNITURE SHOPS.

THAT'D BE FUN. YEAH.

WHAT A COUPLE OF LIVER-LILLIED SISSIES.

I GOTS A BETTER IDEA WHAT WE CAN DO. ARR!

LET'S PUNCH OUT SOME SCUM SUCKERS AND GET DRUNK

AND PEE OUT THE WINDOW!

AND THEN, LET'S SEDUCE WOMEN!

LOT'S OF WOMEN!

WHAT WINDOW?

HOW'S ABOUT I BEATS THE PISS OUT OF YOU? ARR!

TAKE THAT! AND THEN THAT! CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, MELISSA?

UH-HUH.

NOW YOU KNOW YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY LITTLE BABY GIRL, RIGHT? YEAH.

NO MATTER WHAT. MM-HMM.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA BLINK

AND YOU'LL BE A MAN BEFORE I KNOW IT. DAD.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS. FIRST OF ALL, GREAT MOVIE.

WHO DID YOUR STUNTS? ME.

DID YOU REMEMBER TO WEAR A CUP? DAD.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS BESIDES BRENDON AND JASON?

MM, I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS THAT ARE GIRLS? NO.

ANY FRIENDS THAT ARE GIRLS ABOUT MY AGE?

DAD. I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.

LOOK, I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT I USED TO BE LIKE YOU.

I WENT THROUGH A WHOLE GENDER-BENDING PHASE.

DAD! JUST HEAR ME OUT, PLEASE.

OKAY.

I TOTALLY FORGOT WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO SAY.

DAD. UM, OH, ABOUT THE GENDER-BENDING THING. RIGHT.

IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. IN FACT, I THINK IT'S A HEALTHY THING.

FOR ME IT WAS GREAT, YOU KNOW, TO GET IN TOUCH WITH BOTH SIDES OF WHO YOU ARE.

REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD OUR BIRD TESTED FOR GENDER? MM-HMM.

AND WE COULDN'T TELL THE GENDER OF THE VET?

DAD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE FAIRY PRINCESSES GROUP?

YEAH, I THINK SOME OF THE GIRLS IN SCHOOL ARE MEMBERS.

UM, I DID SOME READING AND IT SEEMS LIKE FUN...

HANGING OUT WITH OTHER KIDS AND DOING THINGS AFTER SCHOOL.

I THINK YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR IT.

NOT ME, HONEY, FOR YOU. ANY INTEREST?

MM, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. LET ME PUT IT TO YOU ANOTHER WAY.

I'VE SIGNED YOU UP AND NOW YOU ARE A FAIRY PRINCESS. I AM?

YUP. SO YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO TURN IN YOUR JOCKSTRAP AND YOUR CUP.

BOTH?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE A FAIRY PRINCESS.

YEAH, SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO MISS SOME PRACTICE AND PROBABLY A FEW GAMES.

SO THE WHOLE WEEKEND IS OFF FOR THE MOVIE TOO? YEAH, SORRY, BRENDON.

WELL, MELISSA, I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS LOOKS BAD.

YOU'RE LETTING THE TEAM DOWN WHILE YOU HANG OUT WITH A BUNCH OF WHINEY BABIES

IN STUPID UNIFORMS.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. FUN?

YEAH. BUNCH OF GIRLS PLAYIN' HOPSCOTCH, SKIPPING ROPE?

AH, YOU MAY HAVE A POINT. BUT THE REAL POINT IS YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT TO THE TEAM.

COACH, IT'S JUST A CLUB FOR GIRLS.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THEN, BRENDON?

BECAUSE I'M NOT A GIRL.

WELL, THAT'S A LAUGH. HEY, LEAVE HIM ALONE, COACH.

WHY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, FAIRY PRINCESS?

FLY UP AND SPRINKLE DUST ON ME? TURN ME INTO A LITTLE KITTY-CAT?

CAN YOU DO THAT? NOT YET.

OH. YOU HAVE TO CARRY A WAND?

I GOTTA GO. I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BRENDON.

BYE-BYE.

TELL THE FAIRY PRINCESSES I SAID HI, MELISSA.

I WILL.

HOW 'BOUT THAT, BRENDON?

HOW 'BOUT THAT? HUH? YEAH.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT WOMEN, BRENDON. YEAH?

WOMAN ARE INSANE. THEY'RE INSANE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GET 'EM TOGETHER IN A GROUP AND THEY GO INSANE.

OR THEY TURN INTO ANIMALS.

YEAH. THEY EAT THEIR OWN.

HUH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH. NOPE.

BRENDON, WE STILL ON FOR THE WEEKEND?

FENTON. UH, IN REGARDS TO WHAT?

YOU'RE SPENDING THE WEEKEND AT MY HOUSE MAKING VIDEO FILMS, HANGING OUT.

YOU SAID YOU'D GET BACK TO ME. OH, I GUESS I'M STILL MULLING IT OVER.

HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU NEED? COME ON ALREADY.

FENTON, I'M JUST TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER WHAT I HAVE GOIN' ON THIS WEEKEND.

ME AND MELISSA... MELISSA'S GONE ALL WEEKEND!

YOU KNOW THAT? YEAH, BRENDON.

OH. WELL.

BRENDON, UH, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH ME, JUST TELL ME.

IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S JUST THAT WE HAVE NO REAL REASON TO NOT SLEEP AT OUR OWN HOMES.

WE HAVE NO REASON?

HOW ABOUT 'CAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS? OH.

BRENDON, THIS IS A ONE-TIME OFFER, OKAY?

ONLY GOOD FOR THIS WEEKEND.

I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND. YOU AND ME! HANGIN' OUT!

VIDEO FILMS! HAVIN' FUN! HORSIN' AROUND! I GUESS I GET THE PICTURE.

I'M GONNA LET YOU THINK ABOUT IT. OKAY.

YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HUH, BRENDON? HUH?

UH, YUP.

HEY, WHO AM I? YUP.

I DON'T KNOW. ME?

YUP.

I'M HOME!

I DON'T SEE WHY BRENDON CAN'T SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH FENTON.

NO, MOM, NO, NO. HEY, SWEETIE.

ACTUALLY, HE USUALLY SLEEPS IN HIS UNDERPANTS,

BUT I CAN MAKE SURE HE BRINGS HIS PAJAMAS WITH THE LITTLE FEET THINGS.

MOM, NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT. I'M SORRY?

YEAH, OKAY. SOUNDS GREAT. NO, MOM! NO! NO!

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER. BYE-BYE.

OH, NO. HI, HONEY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

NO, MOM, NO. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO THAT WAS.

ALL RIGHT. WALKIE-TALKIE TEST. LET'S SEE IF THESE BABIES WORK.

CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?

YES. YES.

CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME? I REPEAT. HEAR ME?

YES. YES.

DO YOU THINK JASON KNOWS TO TAKE HIS THUMB OFF THE BUTTON SO HE CAN HEAR US?

WHOOPS! NOW CAN YOU HEAR ME? CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?

YES, YES. WHO SAID THAT? ME.

OKAY, WHO WAS THAT? OKAY, CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?

NO, I MEAN, YES. OKAY.

GUYS, WE NEED TO KEEP IN TOUCH THIS WEEKEND

SO WE HAVE TO LEARN TO USE THESE THINGS.

WHOOPS! HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

YES. WHOOPS! YES. OVER.

OKAY, I'M TALKING NOW. CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME?

IS THAT YOU, BRENDON. NO, IT'S MELISSA.

HOW ARE YOU? FINE, BUT I'M NOT MELISSA.

OH, WHO IS THIS? IT'S BRENDON.

OH, HEY, BRENDON. WHAT'S UP? I WAS JUST ASKING ABOUT YOU.

WHO'S TALKING RIGHT NOW?

I THINK IT'S MELISSA. NO, I THINK IT'S JASON.

I THINK IT'S BRENDON. NOW IT'S MELISSA.

NOW IT'S JASON. NOW IT'S BRENDON.

YES? WHAT?

LOOK, GUYS, WE HAVE TO KEEP IN TOUCH THIS WEEKEND

BECAUSE MELISSA'S AT THE FAIRY PRINCESSES' AND I'M STAYING AT FENTON'S

SO LEAVE THE WALKIE-TALKIES ON. LEAVE THEM ON.

WHOOPS! CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME NOW?

WE CAN HEAR YOU, MELISSA.

FAIRY PRINCESSES.

HELLO, LADY!

I WANT YOU TO MEET OUR NEWEST MEMBER AND A VERY PRETTY YOUNG GIRL.

HELLO, MELISSA!

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

HELLO, MELISSA!

HI.

HELLO, MELISSA!

YUP.

NOW, HEY, WHO WANTS TO HAVE SOME FUN?

YEA.

DOCTOR, PLEASE HELP ME.

I HAVE NO FEELING ON MY... ANY PARTS OF MY BODY BUT MY FACE.

I'M NOT THE DOCTOR. YES, YOU ARE THE DOCTOR.

NO, NOT ANYMORE. UH, NOW I'M A GUY WITH SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH.

AND I'VE COME TO CARRY YOU, MY PARALYZED FRIEND, BEST FRIEND.

MY PARALYZED BEST FRIEND.

UPSY-DAISY! DON'T.

I HAVE SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH AND I'M REALLY HANDSOME.

MORE HANDSOME THAN YOU. OKAY, CUT.

UM, WHY DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE TO BE MORE HANDSOME THAN ME? I CAN ALSO FLY.

OKAY, BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOCTOR FINDING THE CURE SCENARIO?

IT SUCKED. FINE.

OKAY. READY? YES, BUT I'M ALSO THE PRESIDENT AND I'M REALLY TALL.

HOW TALL? 6'4"!

6'4". 6'5"!

OKAY. UH, ARE YOU READY?

UH, YEAH. ACTION.

HI. HI!

CUT.

NOT BAD. IT'S GOOD!

I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S KIND OF NICE HANGING OUT WITH A NEIGHBOR,

HAVING A CUP OF COFFEE, NO KIDS AROUND.

SURE IS. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, PAULA.

DO YOU EVER GET WORRIED ABOUT BRENDON GROWING UP

WITHOUT A MALE ROLE MODEL IN HIS LIFE?

NAH. YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY HOW KIDS ARE AFFECTED IN WAYS

THAT ARE SO SUBTLE THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? I DON'T KNOW. WE DON'T KNOW.

OKAY, SLOW DOWN THERE, ERIK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S THE COFFEE. YEAH.

I HAVEN'T HAD COFFEE LIKE THIS SINCE THE '60S.

MOM! ME AND BRENDON MADE A MOVIE AND I'M THE HERO! IT'S REALLY GOOD!

WE'RE GONNA SHOW IT RIGHT AFTER DINNER, RIGHT, BRENDON?

OH, IT'S NOT READY.

IT'S NOT VERY GOOD YET. NOT GOOD?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S GREAT!

MOM, I'M THE HERO! I LOOK REALLY GOOD ON VIDEO FILM!

RIGHT, BREN-BREN? CAN YOU PASS THE, UH...

I GUESS I'M NOT SEEING ANYTHING. NEVER MIND.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR FOOD, BRENDON?

MMM. YES. YES, I DO.

YOU SURE DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE IT! YOU HAVEN'T REALLY EVEN TOUCHED ANYTHING!

I DON'T THINK HE LIKES IT, MOM.

I LIKE IT. I LIKE IT. SEE? MMM.

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU CALL THIS DISH?

RICE!

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S THE FLAVORING?

IT'S RICE FLAVORED.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS TASTING.

YUP.

SETTLE DOWN, MY LITTLE FAIRY PRINCESSES.

IT'S TIME FOR THE FAIRY SALES PRINCESS MEETING.

SALES MEETING?

YES, MY LITTLE FAIRY PRINCESS.

BUT I DON'T... SIT BACK AND RELAX, EVERYONE.

PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE MONITOR.

WELCOME, MY LITTLE FAIRY PRINCESSES, TO THE FPC,

THE FAIRY PRINCESS CORPORATION.

IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, THEN CONGRATULATIONS. YOU ARE A FAIRY PRINCESS.

THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE PRETTY AND LITTLE AND SWEET.

BUT THAT ALSO MEANS THAT YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR PRODUCTIVITY.

WHAT THE CRAP?

SALES PRODUCTIVITY!

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU'LL BE SELLING.

THE FPC COLLECTION INCLUDING THE FPC FAIRY HAIR PRINCESS KIT,

THE FAIRY-BRELLA, A LIGHTWEIGHT, FULLY FUNCTIONAL UMBRELLA,

AND FINALLY, OUR BIG SELLER, THE FPC FAIRY-CLOTH.

A BEAUTIFUL, MULTI-COLORED TABLECLOTH.

WELL, GIRLS,

ARE WE GETTING EXCITED YET?

GOOD, BECAUSE TOMORROW YOU'RE GOING OUT AND SELLING YOUR LITTLE FAIRY HEARTS OUT.

YEAH!

AND REMEMBER, PLAIN-CLOTHED FPC MEMBERS

WILL BE PHANTOM SHOPPING AND MONITORING YOUR PRODUCTIVITY.

AND WE STAND BY OUR "THREE STRIKES, YOU'RE OUT" BAD SALES PUNISHMENT TECHNIQUE.

TALK THE TALK, LITTLE FAIRIES, AND GOOD LUCK!

G-G-G-GOOD-BYE!

OKAY, MY TURN. I ROLL.

I GET A NINE!

I THINK YOU GOT A SEVEN. OOP, NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

I GOT A NINE. I WIN AGAIN. BIG SURPRISE.

THAT'S 14 GAMES TO ZERO. I'M REALLY BEATING YOU.

AT LEAST YOU DON'T GLOAT. LET'S PLAY AGAIN.

LET'S NOT. LET'S WATCH TV OR SOMETHING. YEAH, RIGHT.

NO TV, MOM SAYS. WHAT?

OKAY, LET'S DO SOMETHING FUN WITH OUR HAIR. WHAT?

BOYS, IT'S 6:30. TIME FOR BED.

WHAT? COME ON, BREN-BREN. LET'S PUT ON OUR PAJAMAS.

WHAT?

MELISSA, BEFORE WE GO OUT AND SELL TOMORROW,

WE'RE GONNA WORK ON A COUPLE SALES EXERCISES.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. SELL ME THE FPC FAIRY-CLOTH.

OKAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY AN FPC FAIRY-CLOTH?

NO, I WOULDN'T. OKAY.

NO, MELISSA.

WE DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T LET ME SAY NO, UNDERSTAND?

LET'S TRY AGAIN. OKAY.

ARE YOU READY?

YES. EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FAIRY-CLOTH?

NO. PLEASE.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THEM AND I DON'T NEED THEM.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR NONSENSE. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

OKAY.

NO, MELISSA.

YOU TOOK NO FOR AN ANSWER.

THAT'S TWICE YOU DID THAT. THAT WAS WRONG.

BUT YOU TOLD ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE.

NEVER LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHEN THEY TELL YOU TO LEAVE THEM ALONE, UNDERSTAND?

I GUESS SO. LET'S TRY AGAIN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FAIRY-CLOTH?

NO. GO AWAY. I DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH.

A FAIRY-CLOTH WOULD MAKE A GOOD GIFT FOR A LOVED ONE.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANY LOVED ONES. I LIVE ALONE.

YOU DO? YES.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?

THEY'RE DEAD. I'M SORRY.

WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. PEOPLE DIE.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT IT UP.

NO. IT'S NICE THAT YOU BROUGHT IT UP.

WOULD A FAIRY-CLOTH MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

NO. YOU LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE, YOU LITTLE GOBLIN.

OKAY. NO, MELISSA. YOU TOOK NO FOR AN ANSWER.

BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

SO? SO IT'S THE POLICE.

SO WHAT'S THE POLICE GONNA DO? HMM? ARREST YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

HOW OLD ARE YOU? EIGHT.

WELL, THEY'RE NOT GONNA EVER TOUCH YOU.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. AND WHERE'S THE SMILE? I WANT THE SMILE.

THERE IT IS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY... NO.

GUYS, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

THE FOOD'S BAD! IT'S 6:30. SHE'S PUTTING ME TO SLEEP!

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

THIS IS JASON. I CAN'T COME TO THE WALKIE-TALKIE RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE, PLEASE DO SO AFTER ALL THE BEEPS.

JASON? BEEP!

BEEP! BEEP!

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GOT ENOUGH ROOM? I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S EXTRA WARMY-WARM IN HERE, ISN'T IT? I DON'T KNOW.

BREN-BREN, DID YOU MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAID I LOOK GOOD ON VIDEO FILM?

I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF SAYING THAT. ARE THESE PLASTIC SHEETS?

YES. BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE A REALLY GOOD LOOK, DON'T YOU?

SURE. HEY, CAN WE TURN THESE LIGHTS OFF OR DIM THEM...

NO!

OKAY. LIGHT'S ON!

WELL, I TRIED. LOWER YOUR VOICE, BRENDON.

WE DON'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE! LOWER MY VOICE?

QUIET!

BREN-BREN, YOU KNOW WHAT'S GREAT? NO.

YOU AND ME. OH.

RIGHT NOW. RIGHT HERE. AND THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.

I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME. FOREVER!

I MEAN, WE UNDERSTAND THE LITTLE THINGS LIKE VIDEO FILMS AND BOARD GAMES AND VIDEO FILMS.

GOOD MORNING! TIME TO WAKE UP!

NO. WAKE UP, BRENDON!

NO. COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

TIME TO DO THE CHORES. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

HUH?

WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S 5:30.

WAKE UP, FAIRY PRINCESSES!

WAKE UP! TODAY WE SELL!

GET UP, YOU LITTLE FAIRY PRINCESSES!

GET UP BEFORE I GET YOU UP!

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FAIRY-CLOTH?

PLEASE?

MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FAIRY...

PLEASE, SOMEBODY BUY ONE OF THESE THINGS.

SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT.

BUY A FAIRY-CLOTH. PLEASE.

MELISSA? COACH?

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

IT'S MY UNIFORM. YIKES. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN A MALL BY YOURSELF IN THAT OUTFIT. I'M NOT ALONE.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

THERE ARE PEOPLE WATCHING ME. PLEASE BUY SOMETHING.

WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE? EXCUSE ME, SIR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FAIRY-CLOTH?

YOU TALKIN' TO ME? PLEASE BUY SOMETHING, COACH.

I'M NOT GONNA PLAY YOUR GAME, MELISSA.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I TOLD YOU SO.

CHALK THAT UP IN THE "I TOLD YOU SO" DEPARTMENT.

BUT, COACH, I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS.

OH, YEAH, YEAH. CRY ME A RIVER. I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG.

NOW YOU'RE MISERABLE AND THAT'S GOOD.

WHY AM I SO SATISFIED ABOUT THAT?

COACH, PLEASE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, MELISSA?

YOU WANT ME TO BUY ALL YOUR STUPID FAIRY PRINCESS MERCHANDISE?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

YEAH. IT WOULD REALLY HELP ME OUT.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

UMBRELLAS AND FAIRY PRINCESS CLOTHS.

GIVE ME THOSE WINGS. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE THEM OFF. I'LL GET IN TROUBLE.

WHAT? COACH WANTS TO WEAR 'EM. COACH WANTS TO FLY AWAY.

ARE YOU DRUNK? YEAH, THAT'S WHY I CAME TO THE MALL.

OH, DID WE HAVE A GAME TODAY?

YEAH. WE LOST. THANKS A LOT, BY THE WAY.

COACH, MY DAD SIGNED ME UP, NOT ME.

PARDON ME IF I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, MELISSA.

NOW YOU MADE YOUR BED. NOW YOU GO SLEEP ON IT. YOU MEAN SLEEP IN IT?

SLEEP ON IT, MELISSA.

AND YOU TELL THE FAIRIES I SAID GO TO HELL.

COACH, PLEASE! WHERE THEY BELONG!

COACH. HEY.

WHERE'S THE FOOD COURT?

TOP FLOOR.

I GOTTA GET SOME SPARE RIBS IN ME.

JASON. COME IN, JASON.

THIS IS JASON. OVER.

JASON, IT'S MELISSA. I NEED HELP. OVER.

ROGER THAT, MELISSA. I'M YOUR MAN.

BRENDON, IT SURE IS RAINING, HUH? SHUT UP.

I THINK WE'RE ALMOST FINISHED. TOO BAD.

OH, BOY! RICE AGAIN.

YOU'RE THE DIRTY VILLAIN AND I'M THE HERO AND YOU SUCK. YUP.

YOU'RE REALLY STUPID AND I'M REALLY SMART, OKAY? OKAY. SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU'RE FAT AND HAVE BAD SKIN AND I'M THIN AND HAVE SMALL PORES.

MM-HMM.

AND LET'S SEE. UM...

AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL. YEAH, AND YOU'RE HORRIBLE!

HORRIBLE. YOUR SALES TODAY WERE HORRIBLE. I KNOW.

DID YOU EVEN TRY, MELISSA? I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. COMPARED TO THE OTHER FAIRY PRINCESSES, YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD.

OKAY. AND I WANT US TO WORK ON THIS TOGETHER, OKAY?

MM-HMM. I WANT US TO WORK ON THIS ALL NIGHT IF WE HAVE TO.

WE HAVE TO PINPOINT YOUR PROBLEM BECAUSE YOUR SALES ARE UNACCEPTABLE.

WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S 6:30.

6:30. TIME FOR BED, BOYS.

AND GET LOTS OF REST BECAUSE TOMORROW WE FINISH WHAT WE DIDN'T FINISH TODAY.

NIGHTY-NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMY.

BRENDON. SAY NIGHTY-NIGHT TO MOMMY. YEAH. SEE YOU.

NO, NO, NO! NIGHTY-NIGHT!

GOOD NIGHT. NO! NIGHTY-NIGHT!

NIGHTY-NIGHT.

SLEEP WELL! AND SLEEP TIGHT!

SAY "SLEEP TIGHT!" SLEEP...

SLEEP TIGHT! SAY IT!

SLEEP TIGHT. SAY "YOU TOO."

YOU TOO. OKAY, I WILL.

I'M MAKING THIS TAPE IN THE CLOSET

IN THE HALLWAY WHERE THEY CAN'T HEAR ME.

I'M MAKING THIS TAPE SO THAT WHEN THEY FIND ME, THEY'LL KNOW HOW I DIED.

I HATE THIS PLACE. I HATE FENTON. I HATE HIS MOTHER.

I HAVEN'T EATEN. I HAVEN'T SLEPT. I WORKED ALL DAY IN THE YARD.

I FEAR THAT THESE ARE MY LAST DAYS.

I HAD A GOOD LIFE THOUGH. I SHOULD BE THANKFUL.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW. I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

OKAY, MELISSA. YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH TO SELL ME.

SELL ME LIKE YOUR LITTLE LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

BECAUSE ONE DAY IT WILL.

NOW GO.

UM, RIGHT NOW I REALIZE I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME PLEASE? MAKE IT QUICK.

SWEET LORD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY MOTHER, BRENDON?

I WASN'T... YOU!

RUN, MOMMY, RUN!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU KIDS DOING HERE?

THANKS FOR THE ESCAPE PLAN, JASON.

NO PROBLEMO, BABY.

I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, COACH.

I THINK I JUST WENT THROUGH A LIFE-CHANGING EVENT.

I TOLD YOU, BRENDON. SEEING A NAKED WOMAN IS AN AMAZING THING.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS FENTON'S MOM.

SO? SO?

SO, SHE'S... OH, WHO CARES?

UH, LOOK. I'M JUST HAPPY EVERYBODY'S SAFE.

SAFETY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

BRENDON, MAKE THIS KID STOP TALKING THROUGH THAT THING BEFORE I BREAK IT.

BRENDON, MAKE THIS GUY KISS MY ASS

AND THEN PUT ON SOME DEODORANT

BECAUSE OF THE STINK

COMING FROM HIM.

UH, OVER AND OUT.

HEY, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE FAIRY PRINCESS THING

AND I HOPE THAT SOMEDAY YOU CAN FORGIVE ME.

WELL, SOMEDAY, I'LL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO.

BUT FOR NOW, YOU'RE ON PROBATION.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL PARTICULARLY GUILTY ABOUT QUESTIONING YOUR MASCULINITY.

THE FUNNY THING IS THAT BRENDON IS THE MOST POSITIVE FEMALE INFLUENCE IN MY LIFE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HOW HE RUNS.

YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE WITH ME THAT

I CAN'T EVEN SAY A SENTENCE WITH WORDS THAT CAN SOUND CORRECTLY GOOD.

I'M SORRY. HEY, AT LEAST YOU GOT TO SEE A NAKED LADY.

YEAH, AND I GUESS FENTON'S A LITTLE MORE POPULAR BECAUSE OF IT TOO. LOOK.

FENTON, CAN WE SPEND THE NIGHT AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE?

YEAH, FENTON. WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS NOW, SO LET US SPEND THE NIGHT.

YEAH, MAYBE WE'LL SEE SOMETHING NEAT-O LIKE A NAKED PERSON.

OR A NAKED... YEAH, YOU SAID THAT ALREADY.

I DID. YEAH. WE WANT A NAKED SLEEPOVER!

WE WANT TO SEE YOUR NAKED MOM! LEAVE ME ALONE!

TOO MANY PLAYERS ON THE FIELD!

HEY, WHERE'S YOUR COACH?

LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.

HOLY...

HELLO, DOMAIN NAME REGISTRY.

I'D LIKE TO REGISTER A DOMAIN NAME, PLEASE.

OKAY, WELL, I PUT MY LIST ON RIGHT HERE. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

UH, FENTON'S-NAKED-MOM-DOT-COM.

OKAY. NOW I LOOK RIGHT HERE AND IT SAYS THAT NAME IS ALREADY TOOK.

THAT'S TAKEN? FENTON'S-NAKED-MOM...

SORRY, BUDDY, YOU GOTTA COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE.

HOW ABOUT MIDDLE-AGE-NAKED-MOM-DOT-COM?

OKAY, LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

NO, THAT'S TAKEN. YOU HAVE TO GO DOT-ORG.

DOT-COM IS TAKEN? YEAH, LET ME LOOK.

OH, YEAH!