Original subtitles

ARE WE HAVING FUN, OR WHAT?

Melissa: MM—HMM.

YEAH, ARE WE HAVING FUN?

LONI, YOU HAVING FUN?

YEAH.

MELISSA——FUN? YEAH?

UH, YEAH.

BRENDON, EUGENE——FUN?

YEAH.

DA.

WHAT, EUGENE?

UH, YES.

YOU SAID "DA"?

"DA" IS RUSSIAN EVERYBODY, FOR "YES."

Unison: DA.

DID COACH McGUIRK DO A GOOD JOB ON THE FIRE OR WHAT?

CAN WE TOAST MARSHMALLOWS AND MAKE S'MORES?

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I FORGOT TO GET MARSHMALLOWS.

HOT DOGS?

I DIDN'T GET HOT DOGS.

DID YOU GET ANYTHING FOR US?

WELL, I GOT SLICED TURKEY, BUT THAT WOULD BE SILLY

TO PUT THAT OVER THE FIRE.

DIDN'T YOU KIDS BRING ANYTHING?

COACH, WE'RE KIND OF HUNGRY.

McGuirk: WELL, I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR TO EVERYBODY

THAT YOUR MOMS AND DADS WERE SUPPOSED TO PACK YOU FOOD.

YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I DIDN'T?

WELL, WHAT... WHAT WAS THE $20 FOR?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE $20 THAT WE HAD TO GET FROM OUR PARENTS FOR THE TRIP.

DID EVERYBODY'S PARENTS GIVE THEM 20 BUCKS?

YES... EVERYBODY.

McGuirk: WELL, PASS OVER THE 20 TO McGUIRK HERE.

EVERYBODY GIVE ME YOUR MONEY AND I'LL GET THE FOOD TOMORROW.

I WANT TO GO HOME.

McGuirk: NOW, COME ON NOW LIKE, EVERYBODY RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

Loni: I'M SCARED.

McGuirk: LOOK, YOU KNEW WHEN YOU GOT INTO THIS YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE SCARED.

CAMPING IS SCARY.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, THOUGH.

YOU GOT TO GET THROUGH IT.

THAT'S WHY CAMPING'S GREAT,

BECAUSE IT'S SO BAD BUT YOU GET THROUGH IT.

THEN YOU REMEMBER THAT FOREVER.

IT'S CALLED THE LEARNING EXPERIENCE.

RIGHT.

CAN I HAVE SOME OF THAT TURKEY?

YEAH, ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY TAKE A SLICE OF TURKEY.

ONE SLICE?!

McGuirk: ONE SLICE EACH.

WE GOT TO SAVE THAT FOR BREAKFAST TOMORROW.

Eugene: UH, BRENDON?

YEAH? BRENDON?

WHAT? WHAT, WHAT?

I HAVE CANTEEN. HUH?

COACH CANTEEN, I, UH...

I PEE... I PEE IN COACH... COACH McGUIRK'S CANTEEN.

WHAT?!

I PEE IN COACH McGUIRK'S CANTEEN.

YOU... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

WHY ARE YOU PEEING IN...?

IT IS PRACTICALLY JOKE.

OH, MY GOD! WHY DID YOU...?

Eugene: JOKE—— YOU KNOW... HA, HA, HA!

I WILL TELL LONI.

Brendon: LONI?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Eugene: I WILL TELL HER ABOUT THE PEE.

Brendon: LONI'S GOING TO BE IMPRESSED BY THAT?

YEAH. OH, MAN, YOU ARE A FREAK!

Eugene: I WILL GO BACK AND PUT NEXT TO COACH.

Brendon: EUGENE, I...

McGuirk: HEY, HEY HEY, HEY, I HEAR WHISPERING.

EVERYBODY TO BED, ALL RIGHT?

Brendon: DON'T WORRY, WE WERE JUST GOING TO BED.

McGuirk: CLOSE YOUR EYES, GO TO SLEEP.

Melissa: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

McGuirk: HEY, I SAID NO MORE WHISPERING.

ALL RIGHT? COME ON.

McGuirk: HEY! HEY!

Brendon: WHAT?

McGuirk: WAKE UP.

Melissa: MORNING ALREADY?

McGuirk: NO, IT'S NOT MORNING.

WHO TOUCHED MY CANTEEN? EVERYBODY OUT OF YOUR TENTS.

Melissa: WHAT'S GOING ON?

McGuirk: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT'S GOING ON?

Melissa: I MEAN, WHY DID YOU TELL US TO GET OUT OF OUR TENTS?

WHO WENT WEE—WEE IN MY CANTEEN?

Loni: WHAT?

Eugene: WHAT IS CANTEEN?

McGuirk: NO, THIS IS CANTEEN, EUGENE.

I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D DO, BRENDON.

YOU STEP FORWARD.

Brendon: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT TASTES LIKE?

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

Melissa: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE?

McGuirk: I TASTED IT!

Loni: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?

McGuirk: BECAUSE I DRANK IT BEFORE BUT THAT'S...

ALL RIGHT.

Melissa: MAYBE SOMEONE DID IT BY ACCIDENT.

McGuirk: SHUT UP, MELISSA.

EVERYBODY LINE UP RIGHT NOW.

WHOEVER DID THIS, STEP FORWARD RIGHT NOW

OR ELSE EVERYBODY GETS IN TROUBLE, ALL RIGHT?

AND THAT'S MEANS EVERYBODY GETS PUNISHED.

Melissa: WHAT'S THE PUNISHMENT?

Loni: DO WE HAVE TO GO HOME?

McGuirk: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PUNISHMENT IS.

MAKE US GO HOME.

NO, THE PUNISHMENT IS YOU'LL NEVER GO HOME.

ALL RIGHT?

WHO STEPPED FORWARD?

I CAN'T SEE.

DID ANYBODY STEP FORWARD?

Brendon: NOBODY STEPPED FORWARD.

McGuirk: YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M LEAVING.

COACH IS LEAVING.

Loni: WHAT?

McGuirk: COACH IS PACKING UP HIS STUFF AND I'M LEAVING YOU KIDS HERE,

ALL RIGHT?

COACH IS TAKING HIS PEE CANTEEN

AND HE'S GOING.

YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME FENDING FOR YOURSELVES

HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS.

Brendon: I'M GOING TO GO AND TALK TO HIM.

Melissa: YOU GOT TO CATCH HIM BEFORE HE LEAVES.

DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME?

Loni and Melissa: NO.

Eugene: NO.

YOU KNOW, EUGENE, YOU DID IT.

Loni: DID YOU SEE HIM DO IT?

I HEARD HIM DO IT AND HE NARRATED IT.

Loni: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL THAT HE DID IT?

HE'S RUSSIAN.

HE HAS DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY, RIGHT?

Melissa: LET'S SAY... LOOK, LET'S TELL HIM THAT EUGENE DID IT

AND HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE IN RUSSIA

PEOPLE DRINK PEE ALL THE TIME.

Eugene: PEOPLE DO NOT DRINK PEE IN RUSSIA.

PEOPLE DO NOT...

Brendon: HEY.

WHAT, BRENDON?

COME OVER HERE TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

I... I JUST... HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HOW AM I?

HOW'S IT GOING?

WELL, I JUST DRANK PEE. HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU?

LISTEN, COACH. WHAT?

STOP PACKING FOR A SECOND. WILL YOU JUST...?

BRENDON? YES.

UNLESS YOU CAME OVER TO TELL ME THAT YOU DID IT

AND YOU'RE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS...

YEAH? I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU, BRENDON.

LOOK, COACH.

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY?

YOU GOT FOUR KIDS OUT HERE YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR.

IF YOU LEAVE US, YOU ARE SCREWED.

YEAH, I'M REALLY MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW, BRENDON.

LOOK, I DID NOT DO IT. OKAY?

SO WHO DID? I'M NOT TELLING.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL? WHAT AM I, A RAT?

LOOK AT ME.

COACH? YEAH, WHAT?

ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?

NO. I'M LOOKING AT MY CANTEEN.

YEAH. THROW IT AWAY. IT'S CONTAMINATED.

I JUST BOUGHT THAT CANTEEN FOR THIS TRIP.

I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE.

I STILL GOT THE TASTE IN MY MOUTH, FOR GOD...

COACH, EAT SOMETHING.

HAVE SOME TURKEY.

WHERE IS IT?

UGH, TASTES LIKE PEE TURKEY NOW.

EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE PEE TO ME.

LOOK, COACH, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING, ARE YOU?

NO, I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE.

OF COURSE I CAN'T LEAVE YOU KIDS HERE BY YOURSELVES.

I MEAN, IT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS. I'D GET FIRED.

YOU KNOW, THEN IF I GET FIRED I'LL DO SOMETHING STUPID

AND I'LL GO BACK TO JAIL.

EXACTLY, COACH.

Loni: HEY, BRENDON.

HEY... MELISSA?

NO, IT'S ME, LONI. OH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M CLEANING OUT McGUIRK'S CANTEEN.

Loni: YOU WERE REALLY GREAT BACK THERE.

YOU COULD BE LIKE, A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR OR SOMETHING.

NAH... MAYBE.

YOU KNOW, THE WAY YOU DIDN'T RAT OUT EUGENE WAS PRETTY COOL.

WELL, YOU KNOW... HE'S AN IDIOT.

HEY, UH, WHERE'S MELISSA?

Loni: UM, I DON'T KNOW.

Brendon: SHE'S PROBABLY ASLEEP, HUH?

Loni: UM, DO YOU LIKE HER OR SOMETHING?

I, UH, YOU KNOW...

I MEAN, DO YOU, LIKE, LIKE—LIKE HER?

UM, DO I, UM, I...?

NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT SHE, LIKE, LIKE—LIKES YOU.

OH, RIGHT.

WELL, I... I... I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO DOES.

YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO LIKES ME?

WELL, I MIGHT KNOW SOMEONE WHO MAYBE MIGHT LIKE—LIKE YOU.

McGuirk: HEY, WHO'S TALKING?

UM... NOBODY.

BRENDON—- WHO ELSE?

LONI.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING OUT HERE?

GO TO BED.

GOOD NIGHT, COACH.

LISTEN, BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

YEAH?

DID ANYONE BRING TOOTHPASTE? I FORGOT MINE.

Paula: DID YOU GUYS TALK A LOT ON THE CAMPING TRIP?

UM, VERY CRYPTICALLY.

I KIND OF REMEMBER...

YEAH. WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN HER ON THE SOCCER FIELD.

BUT, HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WELL, HONEY, DO YOU LIKE HER?

Brendon: UM, I THINK... I THINK THE ANSWER IS "YES."

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A... GO TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY...

YEAH.

MAYBE GO TALK TO HER FOR A FEW MINUTES.

HUH! TALK TO HER.

I KNOW, IT'S...

UH? NO, NO, NO, NO, I'M THINKING.

UH... HUH!

HUH!

GOOD ADVICE.

I THINK I'VE BUILT YOU INTO A REGULAR DON JUAN.

YOU KNOW, I SEE YOU IN SCHOOL A LOT AND...

YEAH?

Brendon: I NEVER NOTICED THAT YOU LOOKED AT ME EVER.

NOT THAT I'M SAYING YOU ARE NOW.

WELL, I DIDN'T.

Brendon: OH.

WELL, I MEAN, I DID BUT SOMETIMES I USED TO JUST LOOK AT YOU

BECAUSE I NEVER SAW ANYBODY SO, UM, PALE.

RIGHT.

AND, UM, I NOTICE YOU AT SOCCER USE YOU'RE, LIKE...

RIGHT.

REALLY BAD.

OH.

LIKE WHEN, UM, MY MOM SAYS IT...

IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, IT'S HOW HARD YOU TRY...

RIGHT.

IT MAKES ME THINK OF YOU.

RIGHT, BECAUSE...

OH, THAT'S...

TELL YOUR MOTHER THANK YOU.

BRENDON, LONI, GET IN THE GAME!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Brendon: A SECOND...

OKAY, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HEY, EVERYBODY THE GAME REVOLVES AROUND THE BALL, OKAY?

SORRY.

WHY AM I COACHING SOCCER?

AND WHY AM I NOT COACHING PUBLIC SPEAKING?!

THAT'S ALL YOU PEOPLE DO, IS PUBLIC—SPEAK!

HEY, COACH, I'M TRYING TO TALK TO SOMEBODY OVER HERE!

YOU MIND KEEPING IT DOWN?

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR CONVERSATION!

I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A SOCCER GAME!

I ABDUCTED HER.

RIGHT, EXACTLY, VERY GOOD.

AND THEN, UM, I TIED HER TO A CHAIR.

Brendon: YES, PERFECT.

AND, UH, I AM A DETECTIVE, SO...

WHAT... WHAT AM I DOING, BRENDON?

YOU'RE FILMING.

I'M NOT IN THIS SCENE?

NO. NO, OKAY, LET'S START THIS THING, OKAY?

Loni: BRENDON? BRENDON?

OH, YEAH, LONI, YEAH.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

YEAH, SURE, CERTAINLY.

UM, CAN YOU TELL JASON, THOUGH THAT HE'S NOT ALLOWED

TO REALLY TOUCH ME—— JUST PRETEND.

OH, HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS.

THIS IS ALL ACTING.

LET ME JUST FIX YOUR HAIR.

PERFECT.

Loni: REALLY? OKAY.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT...

ARE YOU SURE IT'S GOOD?

LONI, SWEETHEART YOU LOOK... YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

WAIT.

Brendon: AND... ACTION!

I'LL NEVER TELL. I KNOW NOTHING.

OH, YOU'LL TALK, ALL RIGHT.

HELP!

OH, NO SCREAMING "HELP" IS GOING TO...

HELP!

SCREAM ALL YOU WANT, BABY, BECAUSE...

HELP!

ALL RIGHT, STOP SCREAMING NOW.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!

BARLOW!

THAT'S RIGHT! LONI, YOU OKAY?

I THINK SO.

DON'T ANSWER...

LET ME JUST GET THOSE ROPES.

OKAY, THAT WAS A LITTLE EARLY BUT... HEY!

PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

OKAY, THAT'S STILL EARLY.

SORRY.

HEY, HOW COME LONI KEEPS SCREAMING?

SHH. LET'S KEEP THE SCENE. COME ON, WE'RE ROLLING.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU'LL EVER DO

ONE OF THESE THINGS AGAIN.

OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO...

OKAY, THAT WAS TOO EARLY, TOO.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO ALSO WAIT FOR THAT.

LOOKS LIKE I KICKED YOUR GUN OUT OF YOUR HAND!

NO, YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE GUNSHOT.

YOU SAID THE GUNFIGHT.

NO, IT WAS WHEN THE GUN WENT...

WELL, I MEAN, I KNOW SHE'S YOUR FRIEND, BRENDON BUT,

I MEAN, WE'RE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS;

WE'RE HERE TO MAKE MOVIES.

OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN.

I MEAN, SHE HAD ONE CUE.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

WE'RE JUST GOING OVER THE SCENE.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME?

THEN I'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU STUDY YOUR LINES, YOKO?

Brendon: FIRST OF ALL, GREAT WORK BACK THERE.

YOU MISSED A COUPLE OF CUES.

BUT I MEAN... BESIDES, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY WILL NOTICE.

WELL, BRENDON? Brendon: YEAH?

Loni: I'M NOT REALLY HAVING A VERY GOOD TIME.

WHAT? WHY IS THAT?

WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT THEY LIKE ME.

SHE'S MAKING ALL OF US LOOK BAD.

WHO KNOW WHO ENDS UP THE LOSER, THOUGH, AS A WHOLE? THE PUBLIC.

BECAUSE THEY SEE THE PRODUCT AND THE PRODUCT IS NOT THERE.

OF COURSE THEY LIKE... I WAS JUST TALKING TO THEM...

THEY HATE ME.

THEY WERE COMPLIMENTING YOU, YES.

THEY WERE DOING... LONI, LONI, PLEASE.

THEY TOTALLY HATE ME.

I HATE HER.

I DON'T LIKE HER EITHER.

OH, MY GOD!

Mitch: HEY, BRENDON, THERE YOU ARE.

WHAT'S UP? IT'S MITCH.

HEY, UH, MITCH?

YEAH, FROM THE FIFTH GRADE—...

SOMEWHERE YOU AIN'T BEEN YET, MY MAN.

NICE TO MEET YOU. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M DOING WELL.

HOW'S FOURTH GRADE TREATING YOU?

UH, CAN'T COMPLAIN.

I GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING REAL QUICK HERE.

WHAT'S THAT?

I HEAR THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE YOU MIGHT BE GOING OUT

WITH THAT LONI GIRL.

YOU KNOW LONI, RIGHT?

I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH HER. I MEAN, I KNOW HER, I MEAN...

AW, COME ON, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE DENYING IT, COME ON.

I'M NOT GOING OUT...

I MEAN, I KNOW LONI AND...

I'M HERE AS A FRIEND, MY MAN.

RIGHT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT, BRENDON.

YOU GOT TO BREAK UP WITH HER BEFORE SHE BREAKS UP WITH YOU.

YOU'RE SAYING BREAK UP...

BEAT HER TO BREAKING UP WITH ME?

MAN...

MITCH LOOK, I DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WELL

BUT YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH LONI.

THINK OF ME AS A MESSENGER FROM THE FUTURE, MAN.

LOOK, I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH HER.

AW, MAN, SEE...

LOOK! HERE'S WHAT I'M SEEING, MITCH.

YOU WERE DATING A GIRL THAT I'M SEMI—INVOLVED WITH RIGHT NOW...

NOW, SEE NOW THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN

"I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH HER."

SUDDENLY IT'S THE WORD "SEMI" IS USED.

YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE?

OKAY, JUST FOR THE ARGUMENT'S SAKE LET'S SAY ME

AND HER ARE A THING.

YOU COME UP TO ME AND TELL ME TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

WHAT'S TO STOP ME FROM THINKING YOU'RE GOING

TO GO AFTER HER AFTER THAT?

BRENDON, NO WAY WOULD I PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION AGAIN—...

MAN, I'M NOT CRAZY.

IF I'M GOING TO GIVE OUT ADVICE I'M CERTAINLY GOING

TO TAKE IT MYSELF, RIGHT?

WHAT KIND OF HYPOCRITE WOULD I BE TO GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE

THAT I DON'T TAKE MYSELF?

UH...

HELLO?

UH, YEAH...

I'M TRYING TO THINK WHAT KIND OF A HYPOCRITE IT WOULD BE.

Mitch: SEMI—HYPOCRITE.

YEAH, THAT'D BE THE ONE, MAN.

HEY THERE, PEE—PEE BREATH.

WHAT DID YOU SAY, DON?

PEE—PEE BREATH.

OH, YOU HEARD, HUH?

OH, YEAH, I HEARD.

YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

UH... WHO DID IT?

THAT BIG KID.

YOU KNOW, THAT KID, EUGENE—...

THE BIG RUSSIAN KID?

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS HIM.

Both: PEE—PEE BREATH!

HEY, SHUT—UP!

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH WITH THE "PEE— PEE BREATH."

PEE—PEE BREATH...

Brendon: DID YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH THAT GUY MITCH IN FIFTH GRADE?

WELL, YEAH, A LONG TIME AGO.

OH... REALLY? WELL, HOW LONG... HOW LONG AGO?

UM, LIKE, A WEEK AGO TUESDAY.

OH, SO, WHY'D YOU GUYS BREAK UP?

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THINGS JUST WEREN'T WORKING OUT LIKE...

YOU KNOW, WE DIDN'T HAVE RECESS AT THE SAME TIME.

AND WE DIDN'T HAVE LUNCH AT THE SAME TIME.

YEAH, IT WAS HARD.

Brendon: I JUST RAN INTO HIM. THAT'S WHY I ASK.

YOU DID? YEAH.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

UH, NOTHING. I JUST RAN INTO HIM.

HE DIDN'T REALLY SAY ANYTHING.

DID YOU JUST TALK?

DO YOU, UM, STILL LIKE HIM?

NO.

Brendon: NO?

WHY? DID SOMEBODY SAY THAT I STILL LIKE MITCH?

NO, NO.

DOES MITCH THINK THAT I LIKE HIM?

DID HE COME UP TO YOU OR DID YOU GO UP TO HIM

OR DID YOU JUST WALK BY EACH OTHER?

UH, WE JUST KIND OF MET.

Girls: HEY, LONI, COME HERE.

UH, OKAY, BYE.

IS SHE STILL INTERESTED IN THIS OTHER GUY?

WELL, SHE DECLINED BEING INTERESTED IN HIM

A LITTLE TOO QUICKLY, WHICH MAKES ME SKEPTICAL.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING THIS GIRL?

TWO DAYS.

AND HOW LONG DID THE GIRL AND THE PREVIOUS BOYFRIEND GO OUT?

FOUR DAYS.

McGuirk: FOUR DAYS?

IT WAS LAST WEEK.

YEAH, THINGS HAPPEN FAST WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, WOMEN ARE... WOMEN ARE TOUGH.

THEY'RE...

IN MY EXPERIENCE...

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE WORLD—...

EXCEPT FOR EUROPE AND ASIA.

WOW. McGuirk: AND SOUTH AMERIC—-

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THERE YET.

BUT WOMEN ARE A COMPLICATED BUNCH.

YEAH?

McGuirk: LET ME GIVE YOU AN ANALOGY.

THEY'RE LIKE GRAPES.

THAT'S ALL I GOT, BECAUSE I SAID "BUNCH"

AND THEN I THOUGHT OF GRAPES.

THAT'S NOT GREAT, BUT, YOU KNOW

I'M GETTING SOMEWHERE HERE, BRENDON.

I'M TRYING.

I KNOW; I APPRECIATE IT.

YOU KNOW, IF I SAID WOMEN ARE A COMPLICATED GROUP

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF, UM...

I THOUGHT OF GRAPES AGAIN.

SO, I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST IN THE WAY OF MITCH AND LONI.

BRENDON...

Brendon: YEAH.

YOU'RE EIGHT YEARS OLD.

YOU NEED TO REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR HOMEWORK FOLDER

TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY.

YOU NEED TO REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR HANDS

BEFORE YOU EAT YOUR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER AND SNACK.

AND YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT...

I THINK I KNOW HER BETTER THAN SHE KNOWS HER.

I MEAN, SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT THEY WERE MEANT

TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, I THINK.

THEY... THEY HAVE THIS THING.

YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW HER THE WAY.

YES!

YOU'RE GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR RELATIONSHIP...

AND I KNOW THAT WHEN I BREAK UP WITH HER THAT IT'S NOT GOING

TO BE EASY FOR HER, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS NOT A THING THAT SHE'S GOING TO WALK AWAY

CLICKING HER HEELS FROM BECAUSE, I MEAN, IT HURTS.

YOU CAN BREAK UP WITH HER WITHOUT BREAKING HER HEART—...

JUST REMEMBER THAT.

YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

THERE'S A THING CALLED "DESTINY."

THERE IS.

AND I HAVE SOMEHOW CLOGGED UP THE DRAIN OF DESTINY, MELISSA.

HEY, LONI.

OH, HI, BRENDON.

HI, HOW YOU DOING? GOOD.

UH, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

YEAH, ACTUALLY I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, TOO.

BRENDON? YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS BUT, UM, LIKE,

I FEEL REALLY BAD BECAUSE

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY

LIKE YOU... AS A FRIEND.

OH.

AND, LIKE I REALLY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND A LOT.

OH.

BUT, UM... I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU.

OH!

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO.

I'M REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

YEAH... NO... UH...

BRENDON, WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

YOU ALREADY HEARD ABOUT IT?

I HEARD SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU...

YEAH, SHE DID.

YOU STARTED TO CRY AND THEN

SHE STARTED GOING OUT WITH MITCH AGAIN.

WHOA, STOP, I DIDN'T... I DID NOT CRY.

WORD IS THAT YOU CRIED.

I DIDN'T... MELISSA.

I'LL TRY AND SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

SHE'S GOING OUT WITH MITCH?

YEAH, SHE WANTED TO GO OUT WITH MITCH AGAIN.

SHE'S ALREADY GOING OUT WITH HIM, THOUGH?

ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANTED ANYWAY?

YES, BUT... NO... NO, THIS SUCKS.

SO I GUESS LONI WON'T BE IN THE MOVIES ANYMORE.

NO, I DON'T THINK SHE WILL BE, MELISSA.

NO, I THINK YOU'VE GOT YOUR OLD ROLE BACK, OKAY?

ARE YOU HAPPY?

I ACTUALLY AM.

EXCEPT FOR THAT SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU AND THAT YOU CRIED...

I DIDN'T CRY. I DID NOT CRY, MELISSA.

BRENDON.

YEAH.

I HEARD YOU GOT DUMPED.

HA... YEAH.

WORD TRAVELS FAST.

THAT'S GOT TO HURT.

UH, ACTUALLY, IT DOES.

I HEARD IT WENT DOWN HARD, TOO.

YEAH, IT WAS A VERY QUICK AND...

YOU WANT TO HEAR HOW GREAT THEY ARE TOGETHER?

I WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY PICKED ME

TO PLAY THIS TRICK ON, THIS JOKE.

IT WASN'T A JOKE.

I GOT PLAYED BY BOTH OF THEM.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SISTER?

DON'T PLAY ME...

DON'T PLAY BRENDON SMALL BECAUSE HE DON'T LIKE THAT STUFF.

YOU WERE PLAYING THE GAME OF LOVE

AND WHEN YOU PLAY THE GAME OF LOVE, SOMEONE ALWAYS GETS HURT.

I'M TURNING MY CHIPS IN. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU LOST?

NO, I QUIT!

YOU FORFEIT?

I FOLD! I KNOW WHAT MY CARDS ARE.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I DON'T HAVE A GOOD HAND!

HEY, MITCH.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

HOW'S IT GOING?

IT'S GOING GOOOD.

YEAH, YOU LOOK GOOD.

I PUT AN EXTRA "O" BECAUSE IT'S SO GOOD.

I HEARD, UH... I HEARD YOU AND LONI

ARE A THING NOW.

YEAH, MAN, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU CAN SEE MY BACK TEETH I'M SMILING SO BIG.

YEAH, YOU REALLY ARE. YEAH, YOU LOOK VERY...

THE LAUGH IS COMING EASY NOW.

YEAH.

SOMETIMES A LAUGH FEELS FORCED, BUT NOT TODAY.

YEAH, WISH I COULD BE HAPPY FOR YOU, MAN.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE?

YOU... YOU WENT OUT WITH HER AFTER ME AND SHE WERE FINISHED.

AW, MAN, DON'T LAY IT OUT IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.

THEN IT JUST SOUNDS BAD, YOU SEE?

YOU SABOTAGED IT.

NO.

YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO GET BACK WITH HER THE WHOLE TIME.

NO... NO WAY.

Brendon: YES, YOU WERE.

LAST WEEK I WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THE LADY.

I WAS BEING TRUTHFUL WITH YOU, BRENDON, MAN.

IT LOOKS BAD, I KNOW.

I KNOW RIGHT NOW IT LOOKS BAD.

I'M... I'M WITH THE GIRL I WAS TELLING YOU TO GET AWAY FROM.

BUT, MAN, IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.

SO WHAT'S GOING ON, THEN, MAN?

I'M GOING TO CHECK OUT A FLICK WITH MY LADY.

OH, MAN! AIN'T NOTHING LIKE LOVE, BRENDON.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

Paula: OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. THEY EXCHANGE NOTES...

AND THEY JUST WANT TO BE WITH THE GIRL IN CLASS

WHO EVERYBODY THINK IS CUTE, YOU KNOW?

I... I WAS, UH...

OH, I BUMPED INTO A GUY JUST A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO

WHO I WAS IN THE FIFTH OR SIXTH GRADE WITH AND HE SAID TO ME—...

AND I KNOW HE MEANT THIS TO BE COMPLIMENTARY—...

HE SAID TO ME, HE SAID "YOU KNOW, ALL THE OTHER GUYS

LIKED THE PRETTY GIRLS BUT I ALWAYS LIKED YOU."

I KNOW HE THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD HAVE JUST MELTED...

YEAH, WELL, HONESTLY, MITCH, GOOD LUCK,

GOOD LUCK BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.

SEE, THERE YOU GO, BE POSITIVE, "GOOD LUCK."

THAT'S THE BEST THING THAT CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH SO FAR.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS A SARCASTIC "GOOD LUCK."

DIDN'T YOU READ THE SUBTEXT?

I'M DONE WITH SUBTEXT; SUBTEXT HAS RUINED ME.

UGH, YOU FIFTH GRADERS ARE ALL ALIKE! YOU DON'T LISTEN!

YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!

HMM.

Brendon: JESUS!

YOU FOURTH GRADERS ARE SO QUICK TO JUDGE THE FIFTH GRADERS, MAN.

AND YOU'RE SO QUICK TO JUDGE US FOR JUDGING YOU!

HELLO, LONI,

HELLO, MITCH.

HELLO, BRENDON.

OF ALL THE PLACES, THE JOINTS THAT YOU WALK INTO

YOU WALK INTO MINE, DIDN'T YOU?

I SURE DID.

I'VE COME TO A DECISION, LONI.

YES?

LOOK, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING

AND I THINK YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE, TAKE MITCH WITH YOU.

NO, BRENDON, NO.

SAY IT ISN'T SO.

I'M GIVING YOU THESE LETTERS OF TRANSIT.

I WANT TO STAY HERE WITH YOU, BRENDON!

LETTERS OF TRANSIT, LETTERS OF TRANSIT!

I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH MITCH I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU, BRENDON.

Brendon: NO, YOU TWO ARE BETTER OFF TOGETHER, YOU SEE?

OH, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

BUT BEFORE YOU GO...

DUANE, YOU MIND PLAYING THAT OLD NUMBER?

YOU KNOW THE ONE.

IT'S... OUR SONG.

YES, YES, IT IS.

HEY, LET ME BUY YOU TWO A DRINK.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO HAVE SOME?

NO, THANK YOU.

I HAD SOME EARLIER.

WELL, THEN, HERE'S TO BRENDON.

WHAT IS THIS?!

OH, UH, I'M NOT SURE THE NAME OF THAT DRINK.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT AGAIN, EUGENE?

Brendon: DID... WHEN YOU AND DAD

DECIDED TO SPLIT UP DID YOU JUST GIVE IT TO HIM YOU KNOW,

JUST LIKE "GET OUT OF HERE"?

NO, HONEY, IT WAS AN AGREEMENT.

IT WAS... IT WAS A LONG TIME IN COMING,

UH... BUT, YOU KNOW, KEEP IN MIND THIS HAD NOTHING

TO DO WITH YOU AND JOSIE.

YOU'VE GIVEN US NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS.

OH, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS... OH, SORRY.

UNTIL YOU JUST... I'M SO SORRY.

HONEY, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T...

I'M SORRY I PUT THE THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD.

OH, THANKS A LOT, MOM.

I THINK IT'S BETTER THIS WAY BEING SINGLE,

YOU KNOW, I MEAN...

YOU ARE FREE AS A BIRD, LITTLE BUDDY.

THIS IS A NEW CHAPTER OF THE BOOK OF BRENDON.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

I'M EXCITED TO READ IT.

IT'S GOING TO BE A BEST SELLER.

YES, BECAUSE I'M MAKING ONE.

IT'S GOING TO GO LIKE HOTCAKE.

YOU KNOW, COACH I SEE YOU KEEP HITTING HIM WITH BALLS,

I MEAN...

THERE'S...

I CAN ONLY LOOK THE OTHER WAY SO MANY TIMES.

WATCH THIS.

EUGENE, KEEP PLAYING!

THERE WE GO.

THAT'S TWO FOR TWO, BRENDON.

I KNOW.

WANT ME TO GO GRAB THOSE OTHER BALLS?

EUGENE!

SORRY.

COACH, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE'S A FOREIGNER

OR JUST BECAUSE HE'S LITTLER THAN YOU

BUT YOU SURE ARE HITTING HIM WITH THOSE BALLS.

IT'S SO FUNNY TO ME. YEAH, I KNOW.

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