Original subtitles

The story and the characters in this film

are purely fictitious.

Any similarity with living or deceased contemporaries

is purely coincidental.

(Drôle de drame) Bizarre, Bizarre.

ACCUSATION AGAINST FELIX CHAPEL

AUTHOR OF THE FAMOUS NOVEL "THE PERFECT CRIME".

In the past, man did not know how to read.

Or if he knew how, he read the Bible.

In any case, he did not live in sin.

But today, man can read.

And what does he read?

What do you read, all you poor men

who gathered here to listen to me today?

You read the wrong books,

written with the evil ink of the evil mind.

You read loose novels, licentious novels,

"naughty novels" as the French say,

or detective stories, which are wretched and vile.

However, poor sinners, you are not the most guilty.

The authors of these books are the real criminals.

And among these criminals,

there is one I wish to condemn publicly.

I am referring to Felix Chapel,

the author of the monstrous and demonic novel,

The Perfect Crime.

He hides in the dark like a criminal

after having committed his hideous crimes.

His novels sell by the thousand.

Yet as strange as it may seem,

nobody has met Felix Chapel.

Even his publisher has never seen him.

Chapel! Felix Chapel!

Madame, your nephew, Monsieur Molyneux.

That's right, my nephew. What a family! Look at him.

The amazingly stupid face of a moron!

Dear members of the audience,

I am happy to see a relative of mine among you,

the famous botanist, Irwin Molyneux.

My famous cousin

is the author of a remarkable book on the mimicry of mimosa.

And his research on carnivorous plants

has fascinated the elite of the scientific world.

As usual, you are late, dear cousin.

Nevertheless, I hope you will say a few words.

Forgive me, but unless it is about plants,

I'm not used to speaking in public.

You see, plants... That is, plants and flowers,

and more particularly, the mimosas,

are as alive as you and I, ladies and gentlemen.

Thus, if you mistakenly step on the branch of a mimosa.

I did not invite you to talk about mimosas.

Tell us about Felix Chapel. What do you think of him?

Chapel? Of course, Chapel!

Let me speak. I have to talk, otherwise I'll choke.

Let him speak.

I used to be happy.

I led a comfortable life, quite comfortable even.

I liked my work.

I had not chosen it.

It was a matter of circumstance or fate.

But it was my job.

All trades are useful.

But one day, I was such a fool.

I wanted to read to improve myself.

I bought The Perfect Crime by Felix Chapel.

I was such a fool.

I behaved like the hero of the book.

I almost got caught like a beginner.

The police have been after me ever since.

They're everywhere.

Be careful. Get him.

Don't shoot. We want him alive.

Before you hang me, I will find Chapel

and cut open his stomach.

What's happening, Madame?

I don't know, but it's fun.

Quiet please.

Why all that noise?

What did that young man want?

Why did he run away?

My Lord, it was William Kramps,

the slaughterhouse terror, who kills killers

and disembowels butchers.

William Kramps. And he wants to kill Chapel.

- Calm down. - He wants to kill Chapel.

What is it to you?

Yes, why should I feel concerned after all?

I don't know this Chapel. I don't know who he is.

Nobody knows who he is.

The fresh air feels good.

Where is Canada? We forgot Canada.

Forgive me, Madame,

but your little dog died 5 years ago.

You're right. Poor little thing.

I am losing my mind.

Cousin Bedford talked so long. How tiresome!

Bishop Soper speaks so well.

He talks for the sake of talking.

He's so malicious. And the Molyneux! What a family!

They're waiting for me to die to get my money and my houses.

Luckily, I'm not that old.

Of course not. 89 years of age isn't old.

Fortunately, I have you, Victory.

I only care for two people in the world:

You and my little Canada.

But where's my little Canada?

You scared me.

You're jumpy, dear cousin.

I hope your wife is not ill.

On the contrary, Margaret is well.

- Did they get the killer? - What do you mean?

The assassin, I mean the killer.

Unfortunately, I think he got away.

You may be pleased to know my wife and children are well.

I am saying this, cousin,

because you did not ask about them.

It is customary to do so

among relatives who have good manners

and like each other.

- Forgive me. - Don't apologize.

The main thing is that your wife is well.

- I would like to see her. - Nothing is easier.

Tell me, Irwin, do you still have in your employ

that wonderful person who cooks so well?

Yes, Madame Pencil is still with us.

Madame Pencil, that's it. Wonderful Madame Pencil

who prepares such a delicious duck in orange sauce.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

And every week it starts over again.

How monotonous, Madame Pencil.

I would have loved to be a circus rider.

These pans shine too much, James.

Someday, I'll faint, sunstruck on the kitchen floor.

If only Billy would come. He could tell us a story.

- Milkman! Milkman! - There he is.

Madame Pencil, greetings.

Greetings to you too, James.

We were so bored.

- Really? - Are you looking for something?

- No. - Someone, maybe?

No. Why?

She'll come down anyway.

She does whenever you're here.

- How does she know? - She guesses.

Please Billy, finish your story.

I don't remember where I stopped.

Ideas come and go, you know.

You stopped at the last survivor of the Gruyerbeer family.

He had taken refuge in a cottage in Openthedoor.

Openthedoor, I remember now.

The clock struck twelve. It was midnight.

I can't believe it. What a household.

Eva!

I would appreciate your going to the kitchen

to remind Madame Pencil and James

that it is customary for servants to come

when the lady of the house calls for them.

Yes, Madame.

Suddenly, a night-bird started to sing.

"A night-bird in broad daylight,

a bleak omen," thought Monsieur Gruyerbeer.

Eva!

I have to tell you something.

Eva, I love you.

You already told me.

You're an impossible girl.

You stare at me while I tell you incredible stories.

You even take notes.

But if I tell you I love you, you fall asleep.

Wake up, Eva. I'm here.

I love you.

- Wake up! - Leave me alone with your love!

If you only knew how stupid you look

when I tell you I love you.

You look like a deaf-mute, a real idiot.

If you only saw your face when you say you love me.

Bulging eyes wanting to go God knows where.

A trembling voice. And that unbearable sentence!

I love you, I love you.

You love this young man? I can't believe it.

Not at all, Madame, I was saying

I heard what you were saying. Leave now!

- Madame! - I told you to leave.

- You have no business here. - I brought the milk.

Speaking of milk,

day and night, we see you in this house with your milk.

Milk here, there and everywhere.

And desserts and cream.

This house is becoming a dairy, a creamery, a barn.

May I point out, Madame, that I never charge for it.

Send us the bill then and we'll pay.

Easier said than done.

- What did you say? - Nothing.

What are you waiting for? Leave!

If you insist, Madame.

Eva, remember what I told you. I love you.

If we are to love each other, you must love me too.

Eva, what an unpleasant surprise.

Monsieur Molyneux and I have done so much for you.

But it isn't her fault.

Yes it is, Madame Pencil.

Improper things happen in this kitchen.

I won't allow innuendoes, Madame.

I'm not upstairs when Madame entertains.

Madame Pencil, I rang for half an hour and nobody came.

You know I can't be bothered while listening to a story.

I'm so bored Madame, I want to leave.

Madame Pencil, for 6 years now, you have threatened to leave.

Don't count on me to hold you back.

For 6 years!

How stupid of me to stay another minute.

I fully agree with Madame Pencil.

You can't go. You're not serious about leaving.

We're very serious, Madame.

We're very serious, Madame.

Milkman! Milkman!

Nice weather today.

Yes, you're right, thank you.

You're welcome. But it's not my doing.

Are you waiting for someone?

Mind your own business!

That's the problem.

I'm interested in other people's business.

Milkman! Milkman!

Are you going on a trip?

- Yes, we're going on a trip. - That's it.

Well, have a good trip.

A trip. A trip?

My dear, it's terrible!

If only you knew. They left. They're leaving.

They may already be gone.

Dragged in mud, worse than that even.

The bishop did it in front of everybody!

What are you saying? The bishop fell in the mud?

Unfortunately no, he dragged me in the mud.

It was awful!

Chapel, the criminal, the monster, the devil!

It's so irrelevant, my dear,

since nobody knows Felix Chapel.

Nobody knows him

but someone is looking for him.

And if he finds Felix Chapel,

you'll be a widow sooner than you think.

William Kramps is after me.

William Kramps?

The killer who disembowels butchers.

How awful!

When you write awful things,

they happen in the end.

But Margaret, these dreadful novels,

unworthy of a gentleman,

who made me write them?

How else could we live and run this house?

Is it thanks to Monsieur Molyneux's plants

or Felix Chapel's novels?

I don't call this living. A double life isn't a life.

What are you complaining about?

We have kept our social position.

We have a nice house, servants that others envy us.

Oh, my God, how awful. I had completely forgotten.

- What? - Irwin, it's awful.

James and Madame Pencil have left.

I'm not surprised.

What do you mean?

I met them with their suitcases.

Usually, when you see someone with a suitcase,

it means they're leaving. It's logical.

Don't you understand?

Without servants, we're lost.

We're isolated from the world, like lepers.

Yes, like lepers.

It's all the more a problem

since Cousin Bedford is coming for dinner tonight.

I beg your pardon? You invited the bishop for dinner?

I didn't invite him. He invited himself.

That's impossible!

When you write awful things

5:25 p.m. Time to check the mimosas.

Time for the mimosas!

Yes, Margaret. It's time.

Please, Irwin, we must do something.

He won't believe our servants have left.

The bishop will believe we no longer have any.

He'll tell everybody. What a disgrace!

A disgrace!

We could cancel perhaps.

He's so conceited that he'll hate us for it.

Maybe a pork chop would do?

Are you kidding? He's greedy and fussy.

You're right. He wants to eat duck in orange sauce.

Duck in orange sauce! It'll be a disaster.

- Well, Eva, how are the mimosas? - They're fine.

Look how they're swaying.

I watered them yesterday with a mixture of gin and whiskey.

It's extraordinary.

These plants are alive, Margaret.

Look at these mimosas. They're completely drunk.

They sway like you and I.

All is well then.

The carnivorous plants seem to be a little tired.

Nothing serious. A little anemia.

They need to be fed.

These plants, trees and flowers make me sick.

I hate flowers.

The smallest bouquet of violets makes me sick.

One fly,

two flies,

three flies.

They love to eat.

Just like Cousin Bedford.

Please, don't mention the bishop.

Let's not mention the bishop.

On the contrary. We have a decision to make, my dear.

Let's make a decision. Why not after all?

- Eva! - Madame?

We really are in a bind.

I hope you'll accept to help us.

Madame!

Irwin, I have an idea.

I'm not surprised. You always have excellent ideas.

Hold it straight.

There's no denying, dear cousin,

what a pity that Margaret is not here.

Oh, the duck!

The wonderful duck in orange sauce!

A wing.

And a leg.

Where is our dear Margaret exactly?

- In the country. - Far away?

No, not too far. She's staying with friends.

With friends?

- Friends that we know. - Well.

How long has this person worked for you?

Eva? Well, dear cousin, it's been 15 years now.

Really?

No, I'm confusing her with the cook.

Madame Pencil, yes.

Tell me, dear cousin, isn't it strange

that your wife chose the day I come for dinner

to leave on a trip?

She had to leave suddenly because of the measles.

It was an emergency.

Measles?

I thought she was visiting friends.

That's right. Our friends have the measles.

Certainly, yes.

Excuse me.

Where do your friends who have the measles live?

Where they live exactly?

Dear cousin, are you asking me for their exact address?

It's very simple.

They live precisely in the Brighton area, I believe.

You believe so, dear cousin?

Strange, strange.

- What's the matter? - With what?

- Your knife. - Pardon me?

You're looking at your knife saying "Strange, strange."

So I thought

I said "Strange, strange"? How odd.

Why would I have said "Strange, strange"?

I assure you, dear cousin, you said "Strange, strange."

I said "Strange"? How strange!

This will never end.

The dishes, the cooking, the service.

The bishop wants to sleep here.

What? That's impossible.

Unfortunately!

He asked me when you were returning.

Not knowing what to say, I said tomorrow morning.

He answered, "Very well.

I will wait for Margaret and I will leave after lunch."

After lunch! It's awful!

When you write awful things...

Please, Irwin, do something.

The bishop has to leave.

Did you keep the telegram he sent you?

I think so.

Fine. I have an idea.

I'm not surprised. You always have excellent ideas.

TO MY BIG BABY BEDFORD

IN MEMORY OF A CRAZY EVENING

YOUR LITTLE DAISY

Forgive me, dear cousin, for leaving you alone.

A man of the church is never alone.

The miseries of the world are always with him.

Of course, of course.

A telegram, Monsieur.

A telegram? May I?

It's from Margaret.

Yes, a telegram from Margaret.

What does she say?

"New complications.

Impossible to come home for 5 or 6 days. Letter follows."

How odd.

5 to 6 days. Poor Margaret.

Poor Margaret.

- A cigar? - Thank you.

Did you lose something?

No, on the contrary.

That is, I lost my eyeglasses.

I think that I...

WILL BE IN LONDON ON TUESDAY.

AM COUNTING ON YOUR PRESENCE AT MY CONFERENCE.

BISHOP OF BEDFORD

Did you find them?

I'm like those who look for their hat

when they're wearing it.

Dear cousin, I usually go to bed early.

I would very much appreciate your showing me to my room.

But I thought...

Since Margaret will only be back in 6 days.

I am increasingly anxious to see your wife

and I do not have to rush back.

So if it is not imposing on you,

I will stay with you until Margaret returns.

The way he looked at me!

It was awful.

It's your fault. When you write awful things

I refuse to spend my life in this kitchen like a cook.

- What can we do? - Hand me the pan.

We have to leave the house.

When he sees that everybody has left,

he'll leave.

Where will we go, my dear?

Anywhere. In a hotel. Come on!

- To a hotel! - Come on.

As soon as he leaves, come warn us at the hotel.

What if he asks me questions?

Tell him I went to see Margaret.

That she's very ill with the measles.

You'll find an excuse.

Scotland Yard please, immediately!

There's no doubt.

A crime was committed.

Margaret Molyneux was murdered.

- Poor Margaret. - Murdered by her own husband.

She was even poisoned by her husband.

- Poisoned? - Without a doubt.

Your cousin studied exotic plants,

oriental plants, poisonous plants.

Poison!

Do you see this abnormal quantity of milk?

Milk is the antidote.

Whenever there is poison, there is an antidote

and vice versa.

For unknown reasons,

your cousin poisoned his wife.

What a scandal in a respectable family such as ours!

Why did Irwin commit such an awful crime?

It's impossible. He must have read the wrong books.

Maybe. Let the young lady in.

To think that such a scandal

may tarnish the entire Anglican Church.

Sit down.

I warn you that from now on

everything you say can be used against you.

How long have you worked for the Molyneux?

For 3 years.

- Where were you before? - At the Salvation Army.

I'm an orphan, you see.

Why did you leave the Salvation Army, Mademoiselle?

Too much music, the same music.

It was so sad.

Too much music. Why don't you admit, poor thing,

that you left the Salvation Army to lead a life of sin.

Admit that you also pushed poor Cousin Molyneux to sin.

Admit that you caused a horrible tragedy.

I can only guess what kind of tragedy it was.

Poor Margaret discovered your little game

and my weak cousin decided to murder the woman

who had been his companion

during his blameless life.

Will you stop it!

What if I preached instead of you on Sunday?

It seems to me that I'm the one investigating.

Then do as you please.

Pretty woman,

pretty legs.

"To my big baby, Bedford."

That's great!

Milkman! Milkman!

Look, the milkman's here. He's early, as usual.

And still in love?

Why don't you mind your own business?

Don't try to change the conversation.

I know you're in love with the pretty Madame Molyneux.

You can't hide anything from me.

I know everything that goes on in the neighborhood.

It's a systematic system then.

You systematically refuse to answer.

Your questions don't make sense.

We'll see, Mademoiselle.

There are two options:

Either the body is in the house or it isn't.

What are you doing here?

And what are you doing here?

- Detective Bray, Scotland Yard. - The milkman.

So you deliver milk? Where's the body?

Was somebody murdered by any chance?

Murders fascinate me.

Don't be a fool. You're an accomplice.

It's plain to see! Arrest him.

Whatever suits you.

How can you laugh, you rascal!

Leave Billy alone. He didn't do anything.

Thank you, Eva.

I didn't say that to please you.

But you said it so nicely.

Even with your back to me, I remember

your pretty eyes,

your pretty mouth.

I remember them well.

Separate them. They're using a coded language.

Leave me alone. Are you going to teach me my job?

It seems to me, Detective, that you could have more respect

because I lost a relative

and because of my dress.

Your dress?

I may be wearing a dressing gown,

but remember that I am the Bishop of Bedford.

And I am Chief Detective Bray from Scotland Yard.

- Oh, Scotland Yard! - Oh, Bedford!

- Stop fighting. - Shut up!

He's right. How dare you speak to us!

I'm tired of this. Do you understand?

I'm leaving.

She's running away. She's escaping.

Buy the Midday News. An awful murder.

A professor poisons his wife. Buy the Midday News.

All the details in the Midday News.

AWFUL MURDER BRINGS BLOODSHED TO LONDON

SCIENCE SERVES CRIME

BLOOD ON THE FLOWERS

MOLYNEUX NOWHERE TO BE FOUND MAY BE IN SCOTLAND

MOLYNEUX SEEN IN PARIS

WITNESS SAYS HE MET HIM PLACE DE L'OPERA

How awful! Such a monster.

Luckily, he'll be hung.

Put a rope around his neck.

Please, Irwin. I know it's awful.

Margaret, this absurd and dangerous situation cannot last.

We have to say the truth, to show ourselves.

That's impossible. What will people think?

What will people think?

They think you're dead and I'm a murderer.

If we say the truth, they'll think we're stupid.

That's worse.

We'll be the laughingstock of the city.

What an excuse for Aunt MacPhearson

who wants to disinherit us.

Eva hasn't returned. I'm worried.

There you are, at last.

Eva, did Mr. Thorpson give you any money?

He asked me to give you this letter.

What is it, my dear?

We're struck by misfortune.

"Sir, we are unable to give you the advance you requested."

However, we have an offer to make.

You are certainly aware that the Molyneux murder

is fascinating the public.

Would you accept to write a few sensational articles

for our newspaper?

In your perfect style,

you could describe your research and conclusions.

For each article, we will pay a 100 pounds.

Should you accept our offer,

you will be able to visit and even reside in

the murderer's house

"by showing the enclosed safe-conduct."

A 100 pounds!

- Are you serious? - Yes.

The idea is absurd. I can't...

Circumstances require you to do so.

There is no other solution.

We can't live without money.

The Molyneux case! Latest news!

The police on the murderer's trail.

The mysterious milkman refuses to talk.

You cannot leave Billy in prison.

Child, the honor of a family is at stake.

Don't you think the milkman can wait a little?

No, no and no.

If you don't speak up, I will.

I'll tell the truth if need be.

Margaret, I have to tell you something.

- What is it? - I have no imagination.

Are you losing your mind? What about Chapel's novels?

I wrote the novels, but Eva gave me the ideas.

What?

Monsieur Molyneux is exaggerating. I don't have many ideas.

And all those stories?

I didn't invent them. Billy did.

- The milkman? - The milkman!

As I said, my dear,

you always end up finding, if you look.

- How awful! - It is the Chinese district.

Some idea, this out-of-the-way district!

But we found it after all.

Why do we have to hide so far away?

It is less likely that we'll run into people we know.

Do you think we'll find a decent hotel?

I described this district in my last novel,

but I've never been here. Eva knew it.

- Eva or the milkman. - Or the milkman.

Are you looking for something?

We want a room.

- In the back or on the street? - On the street of course.

I suggest in the back.

In the street at night, people often kill each other a little.

So it gets a little noisy.

Madame and Monsieur, will you please follow me?

If you do that again, you'll die like Molyneux.

Like Molyneux!

Don't hit me on the head. I'll get sick.

It's nothing. Over here.

Follow me please.

- You're staying a few days? - Yes.

Forgive me. I thought it was only for a short while.

I'll be alone a lot. I don't want to be disturbed.

Madame, it's quiet here.

- What was that? - Nothing. Clients.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

But Margaret

Eva will help you write. She agreed to do so.

What if they recognize me?

Become unrecognizable.

I'll go see old Aunt MacPhearson

and explain that it's Cousin Bedford's fault.

- Because she hates him... - Honestly, Margaret!

Irwin, what about your plants?

Your beautiful mimosas.

Who will take care of them?

You're right. My poor mimosas.

It's only a matter of patience.

We'll catch them when they come back.

Detective Bray, Scotland Yard.

- Chapel. - My pleasure.

We received orders. Consider yourself at home here.

At home? Thank you.

I'm pleased to meet you.

Your books are remarkable.

How flattering!

But I don't always agree with you.

You say a criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

I say it's the contrary.

I bet you Molyneux will not come back here

unless he is forced to, of course.

Of course.

What a mess. And the smoke.

They'll break the piano, Margaret's piano.

Margaret Molyneux's, certainly.

But she'll never play it again.

May I?

You are not superstitious?

- No. Why? - The murderer's cigars.

They all smoke them. They're very good.

I don't smoke, but I found other compensations.

The whiskey's good. Molyneux's delicious whiskey.

Who is he?

Buffington, from the British Morning.

A rival of sorts.

- Is he sick? - No, he sleeps all the time.

Only one noise wakes him. Watch.

A spring.

Buffington, don't go back to sleep.

Somebody would like to meet you.

- Felix Chapel, the author. - Felix Chapel?

Pleased to meet you.

I often wanted to read your novels,

but I never read, sorry.

Why did you wake me, Detective?

I was about to discover the body.

To each his own method. I work while I sleep.

I solve the world's problems in my dreams.

I go to sleep and the mystery disappears.

How unusual.

I'm looking for Madame's body.

I saw it in my dream. It's near a spring.

A spring...

He won't bother you much.

You can write your article in peace.

My article? Oh, yes.

Detective, the young man who was arrested...

The milkman?

Could I ask him a few questions?

We don't have much against him.

But we need to find the maid.

I'll give you a pass.

Then I can send my secretary.

5:25 p.m. Time to check the mimosas.

- I beg your pardon? - The mimosas...

May I go into the garden?

I'll show you the way.

Don't bother. My mimosas.

My mimosas, my darling little mimosas.

- What are you doing? - We're digging.

But you're destroying my mimosas.

So what. We're searching for the body.

- But the body isn't there. - How do you know?

You're right, I don't know.

Here I am, my little ones.

One fly,

two flies...

In the little house

where everything seems so quiet

the horrible Molyneux

with his hateful eyes

stares at his poor companion.

In the broth cup

he pours the poison.

Listen.

Listen.

Listen, your honor.

We want to see

this coward poisoner hung.

Follow me, Mademoiselle.

He's very handsome. You have good taste.

Congratulations.

If I were a young lady...

You have a visitor.

Eva! You here?

I have to talk to you.

Talk to me?

If you came to say you love me, I'll listen to you.

I need you, Billy. You have to find ideas for me.

Ideas? What a funny idea!

Yes, ideas.

What do you think of the Molyneux story?

Nothing at all. It doesn't interest me.

Please, Billy. Be reasonable.

I must go. They want to arrest me.

I'm hiding in the attic at the Molyneux's.

You think it's fun?

They're looking for you.

You're crazy to have come.

Are you annoyed?

That you're crazy? Not at all.

I would like for you to be crazy about me.

If you were crazy about me,

I would not cure you, but take care of you.

I would put you in a straight jacket

very slowly, like this...

Leave me alone, Billy.

You know, I'm quite liberal.

If you want to kiss, it's just a matter of money.

For 3 shillings, I will look the other way

and stay in my corner over there.

Eva, give him the money. I don't have any.

- I don't want to. - Give it to him.

Can't you see what a poor fellow he is?

Mademoiselle, I have a wife, an old mother and three children.

Poor man!

You're good-hearted, Eva. That's good.

The sun in a bottle. Exuberance in a flask.

I shouldn't drink. I'm in mourning.

A loved one, I suppose.

No, but I don't have a family.

So when an interesting person is murdered,

I mourn for a while.

It's a distraction. I feel less lonely.

It's sad to be alone.

Do you want us to comfort you?

Why not, my little ones?

Strange distraction.

You get your pleasure wherever you can.

Detective!

Are you leaving?

Yes. I'm convinced we won't find anything.

We'll look elsewhere.

Eva!

Milkman!

Milkman!

Milkman!

What? Milk?

I hate milk.

- Billy? - Where are you?

Up here. Come up.

Good night.

Why did you yell?

Who me? I yelled?

I didn't yell. I was having a stupid dream.

A milkman selling whiskey.

They let you go just like that?

Yes. Then they followed me to see where I was going.

But I know London better than they do.

I lost them and here I am.

Here I am.

We live in a cute place.

What do you mean? You can't stay here.

Why not?

Because... I don't know.

You see, you don't even know.

Where should I go then?

- I don't know. - You don't know anything.

You talk for the sake of talking.

For you some things are allowed, others aren't.

For example, I kissed you the other day.

I heard it's not allowed,

but since we did it, it's allowed.

And why can't we repeat the things we did,

since we enjoyed them?

Since you enjoyed them?

Billy!

I have to work.

Since you're here, help me by giving me some ideas.

Again!

I'd like to write a few nasty things on the bishop.

Whatever you want, darling.

We could even get him into trouble.

- Not too much trouble. - No, just a little.

Go ahead and write!

WILL IRWIN MOLYNEUX KILL BISHOP SOPER?

IT IS VERY LIKELY BY FELIX CHAPEL

It's awful, Archibald. Just awful!

I know, Elisabeth. We cannot stand it here any longer.

This threat that hangs over us.

I'm worried about the children.

Luckily, they are well watched over.

Children, it is time to go.

Students who are late for school are bad students.

All these policemen. How unpleasant!

We have no privacy.

You are right, Elisabeth. It is very unpleasant.

Nothing to report.

There is one thing.

We want this surveillance to stop as soon as possible.

I'm sorry. You're under my responsibility, My Lord.

And you too, Madame.

And all your children as well.

I'm here. I keep watch and await events.

Let's go!

Are you hiding something from me?

I am worried, that is true.

All the publicity regarding this case.

And Felix Chapel who is in the house,

rummaging and searching.

- What of it? - Nothing.

Archibald, look at me.

When you look at me like that, honestly,

you're hiding something.

Archibald, take the baby. I'm going to drop him.

What happened?

In Molyneux's house,

Chapel may find a book I forgot there

and put it to bad use.

What book?

It is a brochure, in fact.

A music-hall program.

How shameful!

What's in this program?

There is an autograph.

My name is written on a photograph.

A photo of a loose woman.

Rascal, give me my baby.

- Don't touch him anymore! - Elisabeth!

Archibald, you must find the program.

It is not easy. The house is watched.

- They could recognize me. - Find a solution!

The reputation of our family

must remain above suspicion.

I will do anything. I promise.

Some day you may even forgive me, Elisabeth.

The future belongs to the One in Heaven who judges you.

If only I could see the bishop's face.

What a scandal!

Poor Margaret!

But I'm not going to pity Margaret.

I hated her and she hated me too.

But it's an awful tragedy.

Awful, as you say.

But I was quite lucky.

Molyneux could have killed me too.

Don't say that, Madame. You scare me.

He could show up and try to cut my throat.

And cut yours too.

And cut Canada's throat. Where is my little Canada?

- Who is it? - I don't know.

Well, go see!

I'll try to go see who it is.

Open up! Open the door!

Who is it?

I must talk to Madame MacPhearson.

Who is it?

I can't say. I have a revelation to make.

A ghost!

Madame, a ghost! It's awful!

Open up! Open up!

It's Margaret, Margaret Molyneux.

The ghost of Madame Molyneux. I saw it with my own eyes.

All pale, covered with blood.

It wore a large sheet.

The white of the eye was all white.

A ghost. Canada? Where is Canada?

Shut the window. The ghost will grab Canada.

Eat your soup, Charlie.

But I'm not hungry.

If you don't eat it,

Molyneux will come and take you away.

Good evening.

I told you she would return.

She's beautiful.

I have never seen such a beautiful woman.

Have you known many?

No. I'm too busy. I don't have the time.

In fact, women make me uneasy.

They intimidate me.

Whereas this woman!

I love her.

- Get me some flowers. - Now?

- Get me some flowers. - I'm off.

Are you crying?

What are you doing here?

What can I do to stop your tears?

Who are you?

I have never seen such beautiful red hair.

You must be joking.

I rarely joke. You're very attractive.

Please, leave! You didn't knock.

It's not polite.

Would you have opened?

What do you want?

I don't know. Many things probably.

Stay away or I'll scream for help.

I'll leave and you can call me.

Call for William, that's my name. And I'll come back.

For our sake, I hope you are a gentleman.

Madame

I'll allow you to stay for a moment.

I feel so alone, so let down.

- I would love to... - Stay away.

Forgive me, but it's the first time

that I'm alone in a room at night

with a young man who isn't my husband.

- Are you married? - Yes.

Happily?

One doesn't marry to be happy.

You must lead a mysterious life, a painful life.

If only you knew.

I can't tell you this awful secret.

Don't worry. I won't ask.

May I call you Daisy?

I beg your pardon?

I always dreamt of loving a Daisy.

I have always dreamt of love.

- Oh, love! - Yes, love.

- Love! - Love...

Love, Daisy. Love.

Love.

That's enough.

Love, Daisy. Love.

Love.

- Do you like flowers, Daisy? - I love flowers.

You're such a child.

A newspaper! You read the newspapers?

What's the matter?

A woman like you shouldn't read the newspapers.

It's not fitting.

All those murders and tales of criminals.

Life is beautiful. It must stay so.

Promise you won't read them.

I promise, my dear.

FELIX CHAPEL ON THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

- Well, well! - What's the matter?

Nothing. I need some fresh air.

In fact, I have to leave. It's midnight.

Midnight, the murder hour.

- Are you leaving? - I have something to do.

Must you leave?

Swear that you're not meeting another woman.

I swear.

- What an awful night. - Are you sick?

No, I'm an insomniac.

No, please. Don't.

Do you know another song?

Another song?

When I was a child, they sang to me...

What was that song?

Yes. "Little pigeons."

Wait a minute. "Little pigeons."

What a piano.

Sleep, sleep, little pigeons.

Sleep, sleep, little pigeons.

Tomorrow the bells of London,

Ding, dong, ding, dong,

The bells of London.

Will wake you.

Sleep, sleep, little pigeons.

Thank you very much.

- Are you leaving? - Yes.

I'm going to walk in the wind and sing myself to sleep.

Sleep, sleep, little pigeons...

He's leaving me.

Eva, Eva?

Please, Eva!

I'm all alone and a little afraid.

Eva.

Eva.

Billy.

Alright.

Chapel, Felix Chapel.

William Kramps.

I've wanted to meet you for so long, Chapel.

Felix Chapel.

Listen. This is an awful misunderstanding.

Life is so strange.

Some people I see only once.

I look at them, they're alive.

And when I leave, they're dead.

Listen. It's impossible. Let me talk.

Are you in such a hurry to say your last words?

Drink. The last drink of the condemned.

Come on, drink. But do it quickly.

My time is precious,

and yours is counted.

Are you going to cut my throat like that?

What is worse? To kill or be killed?

Who knows?

- You wrote it. - Yes but

I read your books. I was almost hung because of you.

You're a public enemy.

A poisoner. Do you understand?

I may be a poisoner,

but not the poisoner you think I am.

- What? - Let me speak, please.

I am not Felix Chapel.

I am Irwin Molyneux.

The one everybody is looking for. Look.

I can't believe it.

It may be unbelievable, but it's true.

And what about Felix Chapel?

- I poisoned him. - Poisoned? Why?

To pass the time. I didn't like his books.

And I had started to poison my wife.

One thing led to another.

That's unbelievable. You really are a master.

I drink to you.

How kind of you.

- You won't drink alone. - I don't know what to say.

It feels good.

I don't drink often, but when I do...

When you drink, you drink.

May I put my beard back on should someone come?

If someone comes, the two of us will not let him go.

Of course!

And your wife?

Can you explain why...

An impossible woman.

No tenderness. She only loved money.

She liked to spend, entertain and appear in public.

So I made her disappear.

I wanted someone to love me.

I understand you, my friend.

You never found someone to comfort you?

I found a young lady but she laughed at me.

She loves a milkman.

- What a pity! - Why?

Had she loved a butcher, I could have helped you.

But a milkman!

I understand. Butchers are your specialty.

You must understand.

I do not mind killing butchers

because I'm a rather sensitive person.

I would never harm a fly.

I love animals with a passion.

Whereas butchers kill animals.

So I kill butchers, do you understand?

Yes, I understand.

And I take the butchers' money.

Since they kill animals, and since I love animals,

I have no regrets, you see.

All I need is a little money,

killing a butcher once in a while,

some sun

and a little love.

Love!

Forgive me, my friend,

but I love a wonderful creature.

I shouldn't talk about it.

On the contrary.

When my friends are happy, so am I.

What is she like?

She's wonderful. Her name is Daisy.

Daisy. What a pretty name.

She's a real goddess.

If only you had seen her this morning

with a flower in her golden hair.

My wife was a redhead. She hated flowers.

I want you to meet her.

You really must meet her.

Of course, yes, yes.

Sleep, sleep, little sheep.

Here we are.

I have the feeling I've already seen this hotel.

In the Chinese district, all hotels look alike.

That's true.

My little sheep...

Irwin!

The stairs are steep.

Wait here for me.

I'll come and get you.

The little pigeon.

Come in.

It's you, my dear!

You weren't expecting me?

Run, William. My husband is here.

- Your husband? - I saw him in the hotel.

For the love of God, leave.

I don't love God, I love you.

William, you scare me.

You will ruin my reputation. If you're a gentleman, leave.

I'm a gentleman, Daisy.

Where's my bicycle?

- So? - Her husband is here.

Really, her husband is here?

How strange.

I really wanted you to meet her.

Another time maybe. We cannot stay here.

- Where do you want to go? - To my house.

I'll show you my mimosas.

Your mimosas!

Very pretty mimosas

and strange flowers. You'll see.

I don't want to drink anymore. I'll be drunk.

Your head spins one way, the earth the other.

And then you fall.

But a real gentleman walks straight

and keeps his dignity.

A pool!

What are you doing?

What are you doing, William? What are you doing!?

I'm going to take a bath.

What are you doing?

The little flowers!

William! My friend, my brother.

You're going to drown.

No, I'll die at the end of a rope.

William, you're going to catch a cold.

I'll get you a bathrobe.

A little bathrobe for my good friend William

so he doesn't catch a cold.

The murderer! The one and only!

Who is it?

I don't know, but I am sure it is he.

In fact, I saw him in my dream. Look.

Are you sure?

Will you accept the responsibility?

Yes.

I'll be back!

Connect me to Scotland Yard immediately.

Death to Soper!

I assure you that I know things that nobody else knows.

But what about Molyneux?

Molyneux is only a pitiful accomplice.

It is Soper's arm that poured the poison.

It is the bishop and I can prove it.

I accuse you formally, Monsieur Soper.

Detective Bray, I accuse you of causing this scandal.

Those who cause a scandal should beware!

Detective, do not forget who I am.

Should you not respect the man I am,

at least respect my dress.

Can you explain why you're wearing such a dress?

And why you're searching the murderer's house at night?

- I told you. I forgot something. - What?

I cannot tell you. The honor of a family is at stake.

Let me through! Look at me, I'm alive!

It's me, Madame Molyneux!

- She's crazy. - She's drunk.

- I'm Margaret Molyneux. - I'm the Bishop of Bedford!

And I'm Admiral Nelson.

I assure you, I'm Margaret Molyneux.

Madame, don't make fun of such things.

How disgraceful indeed.

If you're drunk, stay home.

Daisy, what are you doing here?

- I should ask you that question. - Why?

This is my home.

This house is mine.

Should they find you here, like that,

what will they think of me?

The world is so malicious.

If I understand you correctly, you are.

I'm Margaret Molyneux.

After all, what does it matter to me?

You're the one I love. That's all that counts.

Never mention it again. Let bygones be bygones.

It was only yesterday, Daisy.

Stop calling me Daisy. Such a vulgar name.

But you said you loved me.

I must have been weak.

I don't want to hurt you, my dear,

but your social status is so different from mine.

I don't know who you are.

I have nothing to hide.

I'm William Kramps, the butcher killer.

Daisy, wake up.

Come back to me, Daisy.

She isn't as pretty as I thought.

Come on, Buffington. Wake up!

Buffington, they want to kill the bishop.

You said you would take on the responsibility.

Buffington!

Margaret! What are you doing here?

Irwin, I can't stand it any longer.

We must tell the truth.

Not so loud. The police are upstairs.

They cannot arrest the bishop. He's innocent.

Innocent? This is all his fault!

Victory, I believe I lost Canada.

Aunt MacPhearson. Margaret, you must hide.

- But where? - Here.

If she sees you, we lose the inheritance.

Stay here. Don't move.

Monsieur Chapel, I presume?

Yes, Madame.

Forgive me for keeping my hat on. I have a cold.

Your portrait was in the newspaper. I recognize you.

- A beautiful beard. - Yes, Madame. Truly beautiful.

I'm flattered.

I'm Annabel MacPhearson, Molyneux's aunt.

Forgive me, Madame, you are sitting on someone.

Really? I'm sorry.

Monsieur Chapel, please give me a pen and a piece of paper.

I want to draw up my will.

- But Madame... - Do as I say.

My relatives are disgusting. Right, Victory?

Absolutely, Madame.

I want to disinherit them.

As they are more or less killing each other, why wait?

I have decided you'll be my sole heir, Monsieur Chapel.

Madame, how kind of you.

I owe it to you. You uncovered my cousin, the bishop.

Will they kill him?

- Who? - The bishop.

The bishop? I don't think so.

But what does it matter? You only die once.

When a bishop dies he goes straight to heaven.

Where will I go when I die, Billy?

You?

You'll go to hell with me.

Why?

Billy!

May he who has never sinned cast the first stone at us.

I'm sure he did it!

Are you crazy? What are you doing?

I always return a thrown stone.

- You'll draw attention. - You're right.

So I'll go pull his ears.

I can't help it. When hurt, I have to pull someone's ears.

- Are you going out? - Yes.

- No! - That's what we will see.

You'll face the two journalists who saw you during the night.

I warn you. I won't say another word.

- But you've said nothing. - I'll continue to do so.

Please stay.

I must pull somebody's ears.

Have it your way then!

Well, well, well!

We let you go and here you are at the scene of the crime.

You're delivering milk no doubt.

No, it's my day off. I'm taking a stroll.

You're taking a stroll. How strange.

Look at your accomplice, Monsieur Soper.

I have nothing to do with that rascal.

The Scots aren't polite this year.

It's not important. On the contrary.

In fact, you're a godsend.

I was looking for somebody.

Yes, I was looking for somebody.

And I happen to find a Scotsman,

an ill-mannered Scotsman.

A Scotsman with ears.

- Stay away from me. - Such beautiful ears.

A right ear

and a left ear.

Everything is in the right place. Wonderful!

May I?

My ears! He dared touch one of my ears.

Detective Bray, I warn you.

You must protect my head, my ears and my body.

Billy!

I, the undersigned, sound in body and mind.

Drawn up in London by Annabel MacPhearson.

There! Read it.

There you are. Aren't you ashamed?

After preaching to us for years, you end up being a murderer.

Annabel, due to your old age,

I will ignore your irreverent words.

My old age? Arrogant fellow.

Hide your knees, traitor and murderer.

- Annabel! - My old age!

I'll go to court and testify that you poisoned Canada.

You poisoned her, you wicked hypocrite.

Who are you referring to, Madame?

Your relative poisoned someone else?

- Canada! - Canada?

Yes, a poor animal who never harmed anyone.

You will agree that she has lost her mind.

Excuse me, but this lady is sound of mind.

- Who are you? - Felix Chapel.

You should be ashamed of who you are.

Please be more polite. Do not exaggerate.

Can you prove that your cousin did anything?

I am convinced he did.

Irwin Molyneux killed Margaret

as sure as your name is Chapel and I am the Bishop of Bedford.

Ding, dong, ding, dong.

I know where the body is. Poor Margaret Molyneux's body.

It's here.

The ghost!

Go away, shadow of Margaret!

You no longer belong among the living.

Please go! We will pray for you

but please disappear.

But she's alive!

Is this a dream?

What a brute! Vulgar individual!

No, it's not a dream.

I can't stand it any longer.

Do you believe it is the real Margaret Molyneux?

I'm not really sure.

Yes, it is. I recognize her.

Unbelievable!

You wait for events and they finally happen.

- Leave me alone! - As you wish.

Madame, can you explain?

Forgive me, but I'm so tired.

Pull yourself together, Madame.

Above all, she needs some rest. Don't question her for now.

Detective Bray, sooner or later, divine justice prevails.

You vilely accused me.

And the so-called victim is as alive as you and I.

You'll pay for it.

I can't believe it.

Who told us Madame Molyneux had been killed?

None other than you, Monsieur Soper.

Detective, they're wild! They want the bishop.

Someone has a rope. They want to hang him.

To hang me? That is impossible.

Tell them I have good news.

- Yes, but... - Go!

Listen, everybody! I have incredible news for you.

Madame Molyneux is not dead.

She's alive and I'll show her to you.

She's alive!

There is no crime then!

And no murderer. I suppose we should go then.

She's alive. What does it prove?

It proves the bishop didn't kill her.

But he remains a debauched scoundrel!

I have the proof right here. Look at this.

"For my big baby, Bedford."

Let's go!

And where's Molyneux?

It would be difficult to see him. He's dead.

The big baby Bedford killed him.

And Madame Molyneux is his accomplice.

Hello, Scotland Yard? Hello?

Scotland Yard, please answer. There's no answer.

Please stay calm. May I?

Hello? Scotland Yard?

They're going to break down the door.

Don't worry.

Hello? Scotland Yard?

I broke it.

I have a few things to say. I'll tell it like it is.

I'm the only one who is allowed to speak here.

William Kramps!

Stay away from me. Let me speak.

I killed Irwin Molyneux.

It was dark outside. He walked past a butcher shop.

It was a terrible mistake. I killed the wrong person.

But what is done is done.

I warn you. Don't search for the body.

I threw it in the Thames.

In the Thames!

With a rock attached to his neck.

My poor Irwin. How awful!

Don't cry too loud, Margaret.

When a husband dies, it's fitting for the wife to cry.

My poor Irwin!

I'm not completely dead.

Irwin, seriously, you must understand.

If Molyneux reappears, the inheritance disappears.

It's best that Molyneux disappear forever.

My poor Irwin, how awful!

Yes, it's awful.

I'll have to keep this beard for the rest of my life.

Better to be rich with a beard

than penniless without one.

My poor Irwin, how awful!

Poor Irwin!

The Lord gave him to us and took him back.

His will be done.

Let me through!

Madame, consider me as a member of the family.

Thank you.

On behalf of the neighborhood, accept our condolences.

He was such a wonderful man.

He was so generous and not haughty at all.

He was an honest man.

He could walk with his head held high.

Nobody owed him anything.

He was always so happy.

William Kramps! I'm so surprised.

Anything is possible, Detective.

- May I? - What?

Let him ask her for forgiveness.

Daisy, I wanted to do something for you.

I did my best.

Start a new life with Felix Chapel.

Molyneux was stupid.

Felix Chapel certainly is an idiot,

but it'll be a little different.

- They'll hang you. - I doubt it.

I escape each time.

My poor Irwin, how awful!

That's enough. Let's go.

I'm all yours, Detective.

- Adieu Madame! - Adieu!

I'm sure he poisoned Canada.

Hang William Kramps!

- Wonderful! - How is that?

The devotion of William Kramps.

He did that for me and I hardly knew him.

- You knew him? - Just a little.

You have strange acquaintances.