All language subtitles for Deadpool & Wolverine .mkv1

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Oh, that logo music just gets you pumped! Right?

I'm sorry, I'm just excited to be here. It's been a while.

You know, for a long time, I wasn't sure I'd ever be back.

Disney bought Fox, there was the whole boring rights issue, blah-bitty-blah-bitty-blah.

But then, it turned out that they wanted me!

The one guy who shouldn't even have his own movie, much less that franchise!

That is so stupid!

Look, we know the title of this thing, so I know what you're wondering.

How are we going to do this without dishonoring Logan's memory?

And I'll tell you how.

Or not.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

Wolverine is not dead.

Sure, it made for a perfect ending to a very sad story.

But that's not how regenerative healing factors work.

You think I want to be out here in beautiful downtown North Dakota, digging up the one and only Wolverine?

No, thank you.

But the fate of my entire world is at stake.

He may not be living his best life, but he sure as hell ain't dead.

Bingo.

Yahtzee.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Dammit!

You son of a bitch!

Bunker!

I'm grown as fuck!

That was weird.

I'm much calmer now.

Look, I'm not a man of science, but you seem incredibly passed away.

But it's good to see ya.

I gotta be honest, I've always wanted to ride with you, Logue.

You and me getting into a Deadpool and a Wolverine just fucking shit up.

Can you imagine the fun, the chaos?

The residuals.

Good day, mate.

Gives nothing that'll bring me back to life faster than a big bag of Mabel cash.

Me too, Hugh.

No.

No, no, no.

Oh, you had to get all noble and die for real.

Goddammit!

I couldn't really use your help right now.

I'm not alone!

Wade Winston Wilson!

You are under arrest by the Time Barriers Authority.

Too many crimes for this.

Come out!

Death by day, player.

Last chance.

Throw out your weapons and come out peacefully.

I'm not gonna give you my weapons, but I promise not to use them.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 if I'm watching Gossip Girl.

Here we go.

Maximum effort.

Okay, Nina.

I guess we're getting that team up after all.

Oh, we're gonna do it.

I can't take no more.

I wanna see you.

Come back for me.

You may hate me, but it ain't no lie.

I wanna see you.

Come back for me.

Baby, bye, bye, bye.

Don't mind me, I'm over you.

You may hate me, but it ain't no lie.

I might sound crazy, but I don't wanna be your fool.

Yeah, this game for you.

Soaking wet right now.

To be clear, I'm not proud of any of this.

The one violence, the whiff of necrophilia.

It isn't who I am.

It isn't who I wanna be.

Who I wanna be?

Well, to help you understand that,

I gotta take you back.

A little joy ride I took through space and time.

To the day that changed everything.

I'm here. I've waited for this moment for so long.

Thank you, sir, for seeing me.

I firmly believe that my services could be of great use to your organization.

Now, I know I was caught smasturbating in the lobby of Stark Towers.

Smasturbating? I'm sorry, what was that?

No, I'm sorry.

That's when you get those toy pulp cans, right?

And then you just look down and you just...

You brace yourself and you ravage the midsection.

I get it. Okay, okay.

The picture's painted.

You get the gist.

What exactly brings you here today?

Why I'm... Wow, okay.

I... I care.

I know I turn everything into a joke, but I...

I care.

I know I want to use that feeling for something important.

I want to matter.

I need to show my girl that I matter.

You know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here.

Is the man not going to be joining us?

The man? Yeah.

I should save this if he's going to...

As far as you're concerned right now, I'm the man.

The man is me. I am the man in this circumstance.

Let me say, he doesn't do this kind of thing anymore.

Cameos? Meetings.

Meetings.

Entry level meetings.

Entry level.

Are you the chauffeur?

I... maybe.

Common misconception.

I did begin my career as Mr. Stark's driver.

Quickly pivoted to the head of security.

The head of security. Of course. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And why I am vetting your resume.

You seem to have left out whether or not you had any experience as a member of a team.

Could you maybe add a little bit of perspective?

No, yes. Of course. I was special forces.

But I was... mainly I was team leader. Founder, really, of X-Force.

Sadly, they all perished in action.

Oh, how exactly did that happen?

Well, the police say gravity, but just between us, they didn't test well on the focus group.

Particularly Gable.

Oh, look, I can see this isn't going well. Please stop writing. Look, I...

I'm just... I want to be an Avenger.

I want to be an Avenger.

Why do you want to be an Avenger?

To look around you. I mean, they're the best of the best.

And what they do matters.

I need to be an Avenger.

Certainly.

My girl is kind of had it with my shtick.

If I don't, you know, turn things around and do something with my gifts,

I don't think it's going to really work out for me and I wouldn't blame her.

Avengers are a very unique group of superheroes that stand for something more than just fighting and wearing costumes.

I mean, people look up to us. Kids look up to us.

I'm sorry, us?

I wasn't aware that you were an Avenger.

Avengers are Jason, technically.

Oh, what's your superpower? Is it parallel parking?

I'm so sorry.

That was cruel. I lash out when I'm nervous. It won't happen again.

Let's cut to the chase, please.

You just said moments ago that you wanted to be an Avenger because you needed.

Yes, sir, I do.

But the Avengers don't do the job because they need it.

They do the job because people need them.

Do you see the distinction?

Yes, sir.

Please, Mr. Hogan, I don't want to spend the rest of my life like an annoying one-trick pony.

Oh, my God.

You're standing.

Yeah, now's the time that we stand.

Damn it.

The problem might be that you're reaching a little too high. Aim for the middle and you'll never miss.

Right? I think you got a good heart. I believe what you're saying.

But not everybody is the world-saving type. I'm not. I'm happy.

Right? I found my place. Find your place.

Alright, get back out there. We'll keep an eye on you.

Okay.

Good luck.

Catch the car. I want to head Shake Shack.

Rejection is behind me.

No, please.

No, no, no.

Okay, thank you.

You know what they say. When one door closes, your locker at work opens.

Now let's go sell some certified pre-owned vehicles, motherfucker.

Technically, the Carnival is not a minivan. It's an MPV.

So how does the Kia compare to the Honda Odyssey?

The Odyssey? That's a great question. It doesn't fucking suck.

You know, you can answer the question without swearing.

I'm sorry, Tammy. I don't have kids. Not that I haven't dreamt of that.

I don't have a lot of actual sex.

You'll get it next time, pal.

Yeah.

And look, you can always go back to super-heroing.

I mean, I know I'd like to see you back in the suit.

I'll keep it in my locker so that I can wear it.

Keep it in my locker in case we need to saddle up again.

Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing in there?

I'm done.

And I'm fine with being done.

Look, is sales the best match? Probably not.

Is this the life that I always imagined for myself? Fuck, no.

This is the right fit for me. Sugar Bear, it is.

Okay, Mr. Wilson.

I'm just saying, once a month we can go on a little mission.

We're human beings. We crave purpose.

After all, we're Deadpool.

Please stop saying that. We're not Deadpool. I'm not even Deadpool anymore.

Well, if you're going to believe this, my prices go big.

A few years ago, a friend of mine got his nipples pierced with a titanium chain that goes down and attaches to his man, Johnson.

Are you feeling Grumple Stiltskin because it's your birthday?

Surprise!

You guys are lucky I'm not armed.

Get in here.

This was six years ago. You'd all be dead.

So then, it gets out of the cab.

And you would not believe it. I turn around.

What do I find?

AirPods.

AirPods!

Come on.

Crazy story.

Every time. Come on.

Make any sales today?

You know I didn't.

Did you sell any Dreamcatchers on Fancy or whatever it is that you do?

I'll rent you in three days' wait. I can't keep carrying you.

Relax. I have the money. I sold some old blood pressure medication I found lying around.

You're trying to kill me, motherfucker?

I'm not the one dousing everything in salt, motherfucker.

I pray every day that fire finds your body and finishes the job God didn't have the nuts to do.

That's hurtful. If you could hear the look on my face, you'd smell how sad I am.

You watch anything good?

Great British make-off.

Oh, goddamn. That shit stood between me and suicide for ten years.

Those are my feelings. On abortion, religious freedom, animal rights, privacy rights, vaccines, free market capitalism, global climate change.

No, no, no, no, no speaking lines, motherfucker.

Hi, you kill.

Hi, Wade.

Nice fake o'clock shadow.

It's a summer balayage from the French. It's meant to mimic the natural highlights of the sun.

It's a toupee.

It's a hair system.

I love your hair system, Wade.

Thank you.

Want to do some cocaine?

Hey, cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off limits.

What about Bolivian marching about?

They know all the slang terms. They have a list.

Even snowboarding?

Even disco dust.

White girl interrupter?

Even Boris Bump.

Poker show?

I wouldn't even try powdered donuts.

Do you want to build a snowman?

Yes, but I can't.

Hole here.

Here?

What happened?

That's the buzz part.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah.

How's work?

Oh, I got a promotion.

No way.

Yeah, it's my numbing middle management, but I'm happy.

That's great.

Who are you?

Do I see him?

Um, yeah. Guy from work. German.

German?

He's kind.

Good.

Likes to go hiking. Hasn't gotten me shot yet.

Well, it's the early days.

How about you? You seeing anyone?

No, no. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. Share a bed with Blind Al.

Alright.

Alright.

Happy birthday to you!

Okay, okay, okay.

Birthdays.

Boy, every spin around the moon is a new adventure indeed.

Some dumbass.

Okay, rounderther.

Where was I?

The adventure of life.

Right. Um, it's been a challenging few years.

I haven't seen you guys in a while. And through a lot.

A change of life.

And a pause?

Bitch, are you improv-ing?

Mm-mm.

I'm sorry that you had to see that, Yu-Gi-Oh.

It's okay.

But I'm happy.

That's because of each and every one of you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how proud I am, how grateful I am, to be standing in a room with every single person I love.

I'm the luckiest man alive.

Make a wish, buddy.

Ten-four, good buddy.

Going down.

Wait, Wilfie?

Oh, yeah.

The answer's dependent must have ordered you.

Are those supposed to be cop costumes?

Never mind.

Take your clothes off, but leave the helmets. And this isn't Pretty Woman.

We're kissing.

Which song do you guys normally dance to?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that supposed to be scary?

Hanging isn't new for me, friendo.

But it is for Disney.

That, that, that, that, that.

I've never been a natural bottom.

So we're going to take things real slow.

And I want some crazy eye contact.

Not you, you.

I can't see your eyes through the mask, but I can feel them.

We're going to move on down the hallway.

So we can spare a clean up on aisle, asshole.

How's everyone feel about this planet?

I don't like you.

Yes, let's hold onto that attitude.

And we're going to do it angry.

Mr. Wilson.

You appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.

I wasn't unconscious. Who are you?

I go by the name of Paradox.

Mr. Paradox. And you're sitting here at the TVA.

The Time Variance Authority.

We're really a watchdog organization.

Except we're more light-hearted than that sounds.

With a sort of throwback ironic twist.

And we're in charge of defending what's known as the sacred timeline.

Holy fuck, that is a shit ton of exposition for a threequel.

Is this because I used Cable's time machine?

Brought a couple of people back to life, then I destroyed it.

It was a long time ago.

Yes, we're aware of your abuse of your timeline.

And you were so abusive of it.

Uh, no, it has nothing to do with that.

Walk with me.

I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell you that you're special.

In fact, you've been chosen for a higher purpose.

A purpose unclear even to me.

But one that could save the entire sacred timeline

from a possibly grisly fate sometime in the future

which may very well need to be avenged.

The sacred timeline, I assume I'm going to marvel at how

cinematic it feels.

Gratuitous scammions, indiscriminate use of variants,

the whole package.

Now, you tell me, Wade, you can be a hero among the heroes.

We've been surveilling you for quite a while.

Subway station?

The TVA up those stairs.

But what is that?

Is that me? Is that Thor?

Is he crying?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

That happens in the distant future.

Why is Thor crying?

Do not return.

Stop that. Eyes on me.

I brought you here to offer you an opportunity.

The opportunity you sought years ago but for which you were not ready.

We believe you're ready now.

Ready for a chance to leave your timeline

and join the greatest universe of all.

I am about to give you the thing you've always wanted.

I smell what you're stepping in.

The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever.

I am a messiah.

I am

Marvel Jesus.

Excuse me.

Suck it, Fox.

I'm going to Disneyland.

Where do I sign?

Oh, it's 90 for my boy.

Good. Not too bright.

But I do not read.

There is one thing I will need though.

Oh, fuck off.

Adorn me, beardo.

Fucking A.

It's perfect.

FYI, your tailor is a predator.

But I love it.

Snug, no camel toe, new car smell, and adamantium.

Thomas, you shouldn't have.

Go ahead.

Take it in.

And yes, your underwear is getting tighter.

That guy knows what I'm talking about.

His clothes say middle management, but his eyes say fucky fucky.

Yes, you look very nice.

Nice? Your buddy here is ready to throw it all away from me.

You calling your wife?

HR.

Does your wife work in HR?

I'm really glad you're taking this so well.

Oh, I'm taking it well.

I have never had a problem traveling for work.

That said, we should talk vacation days.

I'm more of a one week on, one week off kind of guy.

I think it's what they do in Denmark.

You know, you'll never see a Danish flag in the moon, but god damn it, they're happy.

Now, let's power up your little Amazon Fire Phone there,

and send me back home so I can let my friends know that they've been upgraded to disciples.

Yeah, I don't think you quite understand.

You will not be returning to your home because there will be no home to return to.

Come again? This time in my ears?

This is your universe, Mr. Wilson.

That is what happens when a universe loses their anchor being.

See how it decays from the inside? This is how a reality dies.

What's an anchor being?

An anchor being is an entity of such vital importance that when they die,

their whole world slowly withers out of existence.

You've just won the lottery because I didn't die.

It's just a little midlife crisis, I'm better now.

Oh my god!

Oh, I love to laugh.

Can you imagine if you were the anchor being?

Yeah.

No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.

Your anchor being died in an act of self-sacrifice so epic

that it sent shivers down the timeline.

I am referring, of course, to...

Logan.

The Wolverine.

Forks for hands! Back, Wolverine!

Yeah, I got it. You can turn your retro graphics of death off now.

Make it stop.

We're not doing it, Mr. Wilson. We certainly can't stop it.

How long have we got?

In most cases, a couple thousand years.

Well, sweet.

In most cases, aren't fast enough. Not for me.

What does that mean?

It means that I have been tasked with overseeing the end of your universe.

Regardless of what the pencil pushers upstairs prefer,

I will not waste my life watching it die slowly in natural causes.

We used to just prune these things. Simple, elegant, efficient.

But I'm told the TVA doesn't like to do that anymore.

Well, I do. And no matter what my so-called superiors say,

the multiverse does not need a babysitter.

We need a mercy killer.

And in this instance, I am the mercy killer.

What in the McGuffin is that?

That's a time ripper, Mr. Wilson.

An accelerant. Once completed,

it will allow me to destroy the space-time matrix of your universe.

You see, I don't want to work for the TVA.

I want to be the TVA.

And the first step involves showing this organization

how much more efficient it can become.

To it, I will be giving your universe a swift and compassionate end.

And don't worry, your friends won't feel a thing.

It'll be over just like this.

Oh, what's that?

Trust me.

You're gonna hold the other of my fucking universe?

In your parlance, yes. Two and a half to one in the head.

Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices.

You can either rejoin your loved ones

and collectively cease to exist in, I'd say, 72 hours,

or you join the sacred timeline

and you end your days of insignificance and mediocrity.

Wade, Wade, you can finally, finally matter.

That's all I've ever really wanted.

I know. I know.

And you know, I'm nothing if not morally flexible.

Yep, yep.

I'll do it.

Wise choice.

The sacred timelines are happy to have you.

I was talking about finding the Wolverine

and breaking your fucking nose.

Find him.

Find him!

And, boy, did he ever.

Which brings us back to this.

The desecration of the sacred corpse.

R!

Make it stop!

Mangold tribe!

You sick fuck!

Weldon was a hero and the only thing worth a shit to ever come out of Canada.

Get my country's name out of your fucking mouth.

And my sword.

Bring it out.

Oh, I gotta find me another Logan.

A live one.

Don't get up, guys. I'll skin myself out.

Logan!

I'm gonna need you to come with me.

Who's that?

Look at this little hairy luretten.

Did you stick the landing move, guy?

Yes, you did, comic actor.

You're his short king.

Such a cute widow, Wolfie.

Cue the fucking montage, baby.

McCoy!

Everything seems to be on fire.

Do you have a dragon?

I'm auditioning Anchor Bean.

That's gonna need some coconut oil.

What in the fuck?

Oh, yes, yes.

Classic John Byrne brown and tan.

Now, we found the Hulk in this outfit, no?

I'm Marvel Jesus, you dull creature in our life.

In a different direction.

You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry...

Oh, my fuck!

The cavalry.

The legends are true.

And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity,

this just feels right.

We will treat you so much better than those shit fucks down the street.

You were just leaving.

No, sir.

Not while the fate of my universe is in your hands.

This one looks promising.

Down you go.

Again.

I told you, you're not welcome here.

You're not welcome anywhere.

Now get the fuck out of my bar.

Just give me one more drink and then I'll leave.

That's not how it works.

It does now.

Leave the bottle.

I know you, bub.

Nope.

But I know you.

Everybody knows me.

I'm the Wolverine.

Yes, you are.

And I'm gonna need you to come with me right now.

Look, lady, I'm not interested.

Really getting into your cops here.

Why would I go with you?

Because, unfortunately, I need you.

And even more unfortunately, my entire world needs you.

You two gonna fuck or fight?

You gonna take that from him?

I can tell you if I sort of don't get too close,

I'll only break your heart vibe going here.

But every other Wolverine would have really hurt me by now.

And I'm sort of on the tick-tick, so...

Upsy-daisy, here we go.

Hey, hey, hey, guys.

One time.

Oh.

Whiskey dig of the claws.

It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.

You don't want this.

You're right, I don't.

And you don't want this.

Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead,

I suggest you reconsider.

Let's go, Peanut.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Watch this.

Alright.

That's a little... easy.

Good God.

Thirsty little honey badger, aren't you?

It's okay, keep going.

Audiences are accustomed to long run times.

Well, I guess you'll have to do.

Okay.

Ooh.

Look at those jammies.

That only took 20 fucking years.

One interview coming right up.

On your left, baby girl.

This Logan has the same.

He can do anything he even musicals look like.

Bonus.

He's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once.

I don't understand.

You said my universe is dying.

Because this sack of nuts got himself killed.

Well, problem solved.

My God.

You actually think you can replace an anchovy with this?

I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine meaty dumps, but you have outdone yourself and brought me the worst Wolverine.

What do you mean the worst one?

Mr. Wilson.

This Wolverine let down his entire world.

He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way.

And what he did?

Well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.

Okay.

How do I make this right?

I can do anything.

I gave you a chance at greatness.

Because my superiors deemed you special.

Clearly not special in a good way.

Apparently you have some important future purpose to serve.

With Thor, he holds me.

But I did my duty.

I gave you the opportunity to be somebody.

And instead of accepting my offering with humility and gratitude, you broke my nose.

It looks great.

I have decimated dozens of my men with the exhumed corpse of a hero.

Sovereign not only his remains, but his memory.

What are you, the internet?

Your world is dying.

Thank you very much.

And there's no stopping it.

The main thing to do is to make it quick.

Is the thought of vaporizing my universe making you peckish?

I'm meeting my feelings.

I'm about to lose everything that I've ever cared about.

Because that hairy thundercunt from Down Undercunt finally dies and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Welcome to the MCU, by the way.

You're joining in a bit of a low point.

As for you, I want to talk to your boss.

I want you to get him on the phone and you tell him, her, or them that Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.

Holy shit.

I just heard a symphony of buttholes clenching all at once.

You're off grid.

Your bosses don't know what you sick fucks are doing down here.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I have a black belt in Karen and I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to tell them all about you.

Oh, silence is nice, isn't it?

Where the fuck did he go?

To the trash heap.

You'll fit right in.

That was close.

Don't just stand there, you ape.

Give me a hand down front.

No, I'm actually okay, thank you.

Where the hell are we?

I don't know. Looks kind of Mad Max-y.

But that would be IP infringement, right?

Fucking jokes.

Fuck.

Were you even listening back there?

We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole.

Everyone I know is going to die.

Not my fucking crop.

Was that all you got?

Is that what you said when your world went to shit?

Come again.

Yeah, I heard all about you.

You screwed up everything.

You should be thanking me for pulling you out of that bed, you shithead.

Are you backstabbing, son of a bitch?

Are you ready to be calm now?

Rest in peace, Mr. Paradox.

I don't want to fight you, Peanut.

Doesn't matter what you did.

I just need your help.

I don't fucking care.

Fuck, this is going to hurt.

Alright.

Fuck it.

Let's get the people what they came for.

Let's fucking go.

Get your spectral sock out, nerds.

This is going to get good.

I gotcha.

I'm gonna see you grow your fucking head back.

Wait, wait, wait! I can fix it!

Fix what?

Whatever it is that you did.

Whatever made you so bad.

Those... those freaks in the TVA, you heard them.

They have the power to end my universe, but they also have the power to change yours.

We get back there, and we can fix your world... together.

I promise... they can fix it.

Hey! We fight each other, we lose.

The superhero equivalent to Comfort Food or Molly.

White guy's answer to all the disappointments in another A-lister.

Fair warning, gorgeous. You're going to encounter us in a delicate language.

A smidge of ass play, but we've been prohibited from using cocaine on camera.

They're coming. Who's they?

Sandra is gonna be giddy when she sees what we caught.

Can't run. Everybody knows that.

You see anyone running, dick for brains?

You're not gonna love what happens next.

Oh my god.

Oh my god, he's gonna say it.

Oh my god, he's gonna say it!

Say what?

Avengers...

Come on!

Sorry, what now?

We don't know that guy.

Thought we did.

I know you.

Holy shit.

Sabertooth.

Your brother.

Ready to die.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Time!

You look ridiculous.

People have waited decades for this fight.

It's not gonna be easy.

Maybe not.

Shoot the double and take him down.

Side control.

Then full mount and you ground and pound until he makes no sound because he's dead.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh my god.

Okay, good luck.

I'm a huge fan.

What is it, girl?

Is there trouble at the well?

Big trouble.

Behold!

The head of your precious queen, Furiosa!

I have the Wolverine.

I alone control her.

You come for me!

You come for her!

I'm so sorry.

I know it's pronounced him.

I'm gender blind.

It's my cross to bear.

Who's next?

Toad!

You're up.

I forgot about her.

How long was I asleep?

Not all of you was asleep.

Don't bother.

We're very thorough.

You know where we are.

Start talking.

You're in the void.

Look at this purgatory.

Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard.

Where anything useless goes before it gets annihilated forever.

And where the TVA sends people that don't play nice with the rest of the multiverse.

Like you.

And you.

What does the annihilating mean?

A lion.

A lion is in this thing?

From Loki Season 1 Episode 5?

Everyone here is on the run from a lion.

Most don't make it.

There's a resistance though.

Other people like Gus that managed to survive.

They're hiding out in the borderlands trying to find a way the fuck out of here.

And that's where we go.

We? Us? A team?

The answer is yes.

Shae-Gun.

Fuck! You nicked it.

Just got the tip with your little steak knife.

These others can help us get back to the TVA.

They can fix things.

Something funny, Bob?

She might have something to say about that.

Who's she?

In the void.

You're either food for a lion...

or you work for her.

Alright, finally aged.

Well, you must fit into your juggernaut.

Thank you.

I keep your voices down.

She don't like the chatter.

She's gonna love you.

Hey, Chuck!

That's not Chuck.

Oh, ableism. Great.

That's not gonna go over well with the wolf mob.

A wolverine!

I wondered when I'd get one of you.

You're one of Xavius.

You know him? You know Chuck?

Oh, I knew him.

We shared a wound.

Tried to strangle the sly little fellow with my umbilical cord.

Amen. I've never loved roommates.

Mine's blind.

Except she could see cocaine.

For some reason.

You wanna chime in, Your Majesty?

I'm dying here.

Who are you?

Charles Xavier's twin.

Cassandra Nova.

I was an anal birth.

You two are cute.

I have a good feeling about this.

And I've been trying to catch this little firefly for years.

Haven't I, Johnny?

You picked the wrong time to make new friends.

Oh, Johnny told us all about you.

Maybe shut up now.

Yeah, maybe don't.

We were just talking here.

Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic, megalomaniacal asshole.

His word is not mine.

Hell bent on domination and pain.

You said all that about me.

No. No!

I don't need eyes of idiots.

Hicks and stones, Johnny!

I'll let her intimidate you.

Like you said in the convoy.

This finger-licking, dead-in-side, pixie slab of third-rate, dime-stored nut milk

can eat your delicious cinnamon ring and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.

I have never said any of those words in my entire life.

The modesty.

People think I'm a shit-talker, but this guy?

Next level.

Wait, I don't even know what half of that means.

My hat's off to you, sir. Truly.

I didn't kiss that...

I don't...

Not my favorite Chris.

Piece of shit.

You just got him fucking killed.

Hey, we're all grieving.

Yes, we know what he was doing in the budget.

Life is hungry.

There's been some kind of mistake.

Big Yellow is a backup anchor being, and I'm Marvel Jesus.

MJ, if you're nasty.

This may be hard to hear, but there's another British villain.

He's gonna destroy my universe, and I'm gonna stop him.

Oh, honey, you don't really strike me as a world-saving type.

Did I hit him off?

I didn't want it to come to this.

Either you help us, or my friend here is gonna sing the entire second act of Music Man with zero warm-up.

Where'd you get the chair?

Once in a while, I do get a child through here.

Never mind, though.

No.

He didn't care to find me.

Gen Z, they're trauma-bragging.

Can't you just stuff it down, turn it into accomplishment or cancer like the rest of us?

But I'm not like the rest of you.

Except maybe the Wolverine.

Now we could be truly terrifying together.

You know that's scary, huh?

The TVA certainly thought so.

They sent me here before I could walk.

And you know it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I love it here.

You live in a garbage dump?

I think we both know who lives in the garbage dump.

The void is a paradise.

I can wield my power here without shame.

Unfortunately, I had no Charles Xavier to teach me temperance.

What about your Charles? Did he protect you? Did he make you feel safe?

We're mutants. We're never safe.

I don't want the smoke. I don't have any beef with you. I just want to save my friends. I just want to go home.

Well, the thing is, I could get you home.

Good.

But I don't want to.

What do you want, Wade Wilson?

Fingers are inside me, but not in a good way.

My brother could end one's mind with a fork.

I have to get my hands dirty.

I've called you.

You're not Ike.

I'm right here.

But show me you gotta do something.

Show you what?

Show me you care about something bigger than you.

Ever since they turned you down, you took a knee.

Baby, you never got back up.

I know you're going through something.

Let me go through it with you.

Your crazy matches my crazy.

You just say it, okay?

Say, I don't want you. I don't want to be with you.

Go ahead and say it. Say, I don't want to be with you.

Tell me that and I'll walk away. Say, I don't want you.

You'll never fucking matter.

You'll never fucking matter.

She never said that.

No, but I bet she thought it.

You are so mean.

My brain could taste your fingers and they tasted like hate.

And we're in God's name as the intimacy coordinator.

You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.

And long before you came here.

This is Baby Knife. She's gonna fuck you in the face now.

If you want to kill me, it's going to take more than a little blade.

How about six?

My boy's wicked strong.

That's my big boy. There you are.

But the big guy needs to eat and the rent is due.

By the way, you're the rent.

What you thinking about?

Get the fuck off of me.

Almost done. Almost done what?

Getting my knife out of your buttocks.

Herbert!

Go! Get your bind out of my pants.

I'm telling Blake.

New rules. I talk now.

That's going to be very hard on the audience.

Shut the fuck up!

Let me fucking think.

We gotta get back to paradox, right?

Right?

Is your excuse, am I allowed to speak now?

Just nod, asshole.

Right.

Then we find the others that poor kid Johnny was talking about before you got him killed.

Poor kid. He's like 50.

If there's a chance they know how to get out of here, we find them.

Make those TVA fuckers fix my shit like you fucking promised.

I smell quest.

I smell food.

So what made you finally wear an honest-to-god costume?

Mine's red, so they can't see me bleed.

But I can see how yellow would be useful, too.

Have you been checked for ADHD?

Mm-hmm.

But I've had several STDs which were probably caused by ADHD.

What are you looking for?

Fuck.

No, no, no, no. That's probably alcohol.

You don't want to drink? Oh, yeah. There you go.

Fuck that liver.

Good?

Okay.

What the fuck are those?

Back in civilian life, I wear a toupee that nobody knows.

Everybody knows.

Want to talk about what's haunting you, or should we wait for a third act flashback?

Go fuck yourself.

You know, in my world, you're well-regarded.

Yeah, well, not in mine.

They don't like me much in mine, either.

You don't say?

I want it to be something, you know.

Shit, I want it to be an Avenger.

Fuck the Avengers.

You know, I didn't make the cut, though. Same with the X-Men.

When my girlfriend left, man, I just...

You had a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Vanessa. When we met, she was a dancer.

We made a whole life.

It was good.

But, oh boy, I just...

Fuck that right up.

Who are you?

You were an X-Man.

Fuck that, you were the X-Man.

The Wolverine.

He was a hero in my world.

Yeah, well...

He had shit in mine.

You said Logan was a hero. What happened?

He died.

How?

Well, technically, you were chest-fucked by a tree.

But really, he just ran out of batteries trying to save someone.

Who?

The shitheals that grew her in a lab called her X-23.

But she was just a kid.

A younger, dainter, somehow meaner version of you.

You died trying to save her.

It was beautiful.

Look, Michal, I know you're hurt.

My blind, elderly African-American roommate, Blind Al,

always says that pain teaches us who we are.

Sometimes we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it.

Holy shit.

That's her name? You call her Blind Al?

Well, she's blind.

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight.

I've never seen you shine so bright.

Mm, mm, mm.

Lady, every...

is dancing with me, oh.

She won't take you home, oh.

There's nobody here.

Look at you. She's coming with us.

No, she's not. Oh, yes, she is.

Fuck off. Oh, yes.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

Come here, girl.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Deadpool.

And I guess you're a Deadpool, too.

But in here, everybody calls me Nicepool.

Oh, my goodness, wait until you see Ladypool.

She is gorgeous. She just had a baby, too, and...

Can't even tell.

I don't think you're supposed to say that.

That's okay. I identify as a feminist.

Right.

Are those gold-plated, 50-caliber

Desert Eagle Pistoleros?

Of course.

To match my earhuggy. Can I have her?

Ha! Over my dead body.

You're fun.

And I guess you've already met Mary Puppins,

aka Dogpool.

Therefore, you put your hand. She's 90% G-spotted.

She'll let you know it.

You let this little flirt out of your sight

for one second, and she starts shopping

for a new papa.

If you can't be a responsible pet owner,

then maybe you don't deserve this little unicorn.

Guilty on all charges, your honor.

It shouldn't happen again.

Why are you so nice?

It costs nothing to be kind.

Shutting the fuck up is also free.

Caliente. This is Logan.

He's usually shirtless, but he's let himself go

since the divorce.

Where's your mask?

Go on, guys.

Oh, this guy.

We're looking for a group of survivors.

Oh, they're out there.

But Merc to Merc, you better hope that you don't run into the Deadpool core.

Yeah, they're crazy.

They will chop you up into a thousand pieces

and hide you all over the void.

If they could only process their childhood trauma,

they'd go on one heck of a healing journey.

Look, we're headed for the Borderlands.

Do you know where it is?

Yeah, that's 12 clicks due west.

I can lend you my ride if you like.

It would be my honor.

Oh, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.

Uh-uh. What the? No. No.

Just get in the car. This isn't a car.

This is a Honda fucking Odyssey.

Throttle response sucks a cock.

Dated infotainment system.

When Honda saw that untreated Chlamydia was making a comeback,

they invented the Honda Odyssey

to compete.

Get in the fucking car.

He'll get you there. It's safe and sound.

Well, Betsy always does.

I'm gonna have to give you my dog back, though.

I know.

Listen. Yes, child.

If you ever want to give her up,

or if she needs a new home or if something should happen to you,

I'd love to be her pupa.

What would ever happen to me?

Lots of stuff.

No!

We're running away!

The corn was too dense, girl!

Fuck!

It's right here.

Okay, I'm just gonna ask.

What's with the suit?

First thing I did when I flamed out, I took my knife.

It's not that ugly.

You make yourself in there.

The X-Men make you wear it?

Those sons of fucking bitches.

They are not your friends, I'll tell you that.

Friends don't let friends leave the house

looking like they fight crime for the Los Angeles Rams.

Shut the fuck up about this.

Watch your frown lines, angel baby.

I'm just trying to bond a little bit.

Fine!

Stop it.

If they can fix your world,

what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of here?

Some rubbing alcohol shots?

Maybe a wiper fluid chaser?

What did you say?

When you get back, what's the first thing you're gonna do?

Before that.

If they can fix your world?

What do you mean, if?

You lied and you have a fucking clue

if they can all be fixings, do you?

No, I mean...

Fuck! Fuck!

I didn't lie!

I made an educated wish!

Because...

Because I need you.

This...

This is why. Right here.

Because if we don't do something, they die.

I don't know anything about saving worlds.

Why would I even care?

Because my entire world is right here

in this picture.

It's only nine people.

And I have no idea how to save it alone.

I know how to fuck people up

for money, but you, YOU

know how to save them!

At least the other Wolverine did.

I guess I'm stuck with the worst one!

Did you say you made

an educated fucking wish?

They call me the Merc with the Mouth.

They don't call me Truthful Timmy,

the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon!

One more word.

Please, give me one.

Gubernatorial.

You know what? You're a fucking joke.

No wonder the Avengers didn't

take you or the X-Men until they

fucked anyone. I mean, you are

a ridiculous, immature,

half-wit moron.

I have never met

a sadder,

more attention-starving

little prick in my entire

life, and that says a lot because I've been

alive for more than two more very fucking

years. I'll tell you,

that bald chick was right about one thing.

You will never save the

world. You couldn't even

save a relationship with a goddamn

stripper! Motherfucker,

I wish I could say you'd die alone,

but it's one of the best jokes

that you can't die, except that's on all

of us!

You got nothing

to say, Mouth?

I'm gonna

fight you now.

How are you?

I take it all back, the Honda Odyssey

fucks hard. Too bad

you don't, Needledick. Well, we're just getting

the startup up.

Where are we? No clue.

I like it here.

Okay. Look at you

all. You must be the others.

Terrific.

So, just to refresh,

you are one... Electra.

Electra, yes.

And you!

I was not expecting to see you here.

Thought you were, you know,

retired.

Retarded.

Retired. I'm already in

a state of not trying to get cancelled again.

I don't like you. You never did.

And who's this?

Succulent reminder of my own

inadequacies. Look at you.

You look like the superhero version

of Hawkeye.

The name's Remy Labot.

But you can call me the Gum.

It's been a while since I've seen Sling Blade.

Hit me again.

They call me the Gum. Do they?

Are you sure you didn't just really, really want them to,

but it never quite worked out?

Good day, young.

You know, we never had a Wolverine up in here.

But I can tell you now,

it's just a common courtesy to ask

before you drink up all of my liquor.

Well, it's a good thing I don't give a fuck.

Good young as well.

So embarrassing.

Now that that's settled,

look, we came a long way to find you three.

There's four of us. There's four of us.

Wait, is it Magneto?

Dear sweet god in heaven, let it be Magneto,

because with him... Fuck!

Now Disney gets cheap?

It's like Pinocchio jammed his face in my ass

and started lying like crazy.

Not a single word. What do you do,

Your powers close that magic. That's good.

We're not totally fucked at all.

So who brought us here?

That would be me.

Don't make me regret it.

Holy shit.

Logan, that's her. That's X-23.

She's the one I told you about.

How did you all get stuck in the void?

There was a knock at the door.

TVA sent me here.

Me too.

Maybe I was born here, so it's hard to know for sure.

TVA decided our universe was dying.

And I never even got a chance to fight for it.

People like us don't go quietly.

TVA knows that, so they took us out.

The answer is yes.

I'm in.

In what?

A team.

Me, you, you and me, all of us together.

Let's get the fuck out of this place.

Don't listen to him. He's a fucking lie.

It was an educated wish!

Look.

We've been inside Cassandra's lair.

The only way out of the void is through her.

She can get us home.

She told us.

Wait a minute, you've been inside?

And you made it out alive?

Bullshit. Nobody's ever done that.

We did.

Every time one of us has gone up against her, they die.

The Punisher, the Quicksilver, the Daredevil.

Daredevil, I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

Okay.

Even that sweet baby angel Johnny Stone,

you can go missing like,

like two days ago.

That's so sad.

Wherever this Johnny fella is,

I'm sure he's thriving.

Look, there's strength in numbers.

All right? Us,

plus you guys, we can put Cassandra over our knee

and force her to let us out of the void.

I know what it means to feel self-doubt.

I don't feel that at all. I'm good.

Gnawing at your gut like a coked up tapeworm.

It's like you're holding up a member of my soul.

You guys may not have been able to save your universes,

but you can avenge them.

It's what Johnny would have wanted.

Wait. You knew Johnny?

Oh, yeah.

Dickhead here talked him into a team-up

and Johnny came down with a little case of the dead.

No, no, no, no. We don't know that.

It was just a flesh wound. He may have survived.

If he survived that, he is praying for death.

Thank you, Dr. Wolverine.

Spill it. What you do to Johnny, huh?

Talk or I'm gonna stop here.

Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey.

Look. He rants

fat-ass mouth about Cassandra.

Then she zip-zapped his skin,

leaving his organs to splash crudely under the ground

while the soil greedily drank his blood.

It was horrible. He was like a brother to me.

Well, he died

before he could make a difference, but

maybe you couldn't save your worlds, but

but Jesus Christ, you can save mine.

I don't give a shit about your world,

but if these two made it out of their life,

maybe together

we could get back in and take her down.

Where I come from,

we caught our suicides, yeah.

If we can block her psychic powers,

we can get a leg up. I know it.

Juanito's dead, but I'd venture

to guess that his helmet is lying

around her somewhere. Cassandra melted

the helmet. Fuck! After she killed her.

Fuck! You don't believe? She knows that

helmet was the only way to protect anyone from her powers.

The only other helmet that's strong is Juggernaut's,

but he works for Cassandra. Juggernaut's

helmet, that's it. Yeah, we're gonna be knowing that

and coming home without that dome gonna come our way.

I'm so sorry, beautiful. I want this to be gentle.

Who is your dialect coach?

The Minions? I feel like we're missing

critical exposition here.

I'm sick of this shit.

I'm sick of hiding.

This face in our worlds forgot

about us. Juan never learned

about us. The heroes we were.

Lives we saved, or wanted

to save. Maybe these two

are a chance

to be remembered

the way we deserve.

Yes. And ending.

Legacy. Yes!

Yes! Let this man cook!

This is what I'm talking about. Big

slow motion fight, sad music, everybody

working together. Who knows if you live or die, that

sort of thing. Who's ready?

I was born ready. Yeah, damn it!

I ain't no my daddy, but I'm sure I shot out

of his dick ready. Jesus

Christ, that is graphic. Yeah, he was laying them buttery

nuts all up in my mama and I shot out there

and I said, what's up doc?

Johnny wants to love you. X23,

what's it gonna be?

The name's Laura. Let's fucking go.

Let's fucking go!

It's all that chicken and coke. Yeah,

we're doing this. You're all fucking dead.

My god, read the room.

Hey, I'm not looking for company.

Get out of here.

You remind

me of him. Angry, drunk,

lame. Sounds like a great guy.

He wasn't finished.

Showed up when it mattered the

most.

Couldn't help it.

You might

not know it, but

you're a good man, Logan.

You might not know it, but apparently

I'm the worst, Logan.

I got to have a life

because of you.

I got to grow up because of you.

A lot of

kids did. A lot of kids

didn't grow up because of me.

Trust me,

kid, I'm no hero.

That suit says different.

I like it.

Scott used to beg me

to wear it.

So did Gene, Storm,

East.

All of them.

Wanted me

to be part of the team, and I

wouldn't. Told them they

looked fucking ridiculous.

I couldn't help thinking I

wanted to be there.

And then

one day, while I was off on my own,

the humans came.

And went mutant hunting.

I can guess the rest.

No, no.

Let me say it.

I need to say it.

By the time I stumbled on shitface from

the bar, it was too late.

They were dead every

This suit's all I got to remind me of

who they were.

And what I did.

We're headed to Cassandra's at summer.

Have fun.

Not my fight.

We won't pull this off without you.

Hey, whoever you think I am, you got

the wrong guy.

You were always the wrong guy.

What?

Elias didn't get them.

Cassandra wanted to play with them herself

first. They got away.

Did they find the others? No.

The others found them.

Oh, very cute. Well done, Pyro.

Classic Bane switch. You really got me there.

Relax.

Come after Nova, she'll handle it.

Cassandra is a lunatic wild card.

Why do you think we put her there in the first place?

I thought she's never chosen to leave the void.

The time ripper is

hours away from completion. I can't take any

chances. Maybe not.

But I can. For a price.

Why do you have to say it in that silly voice?

It's so icky. You want it done or not?

Alright, your price. Take her out.

Mutants.

Bring her up, bring her up.

She got me. She's coming live from the VIP.

Early night life calls, life's

good as we go. She's big, little

straightforward. She's bad, maybe the whole city

gets busy.

Look at that, Jax. See the

big old man's coming close. They're not a one-eyed

enough inside guy. What Garret's trying to say

is get Juggernaut's helmet.

Ain't gonna be easy. I'm just making stuff

up with this. Yeah, tilt up the blade.

This is it for the feeling. Have a curtain

chat. Tell him to get you in the face.

When it gets out of the way.

Best Punisher is 18 more.

Which Punisher? There's been like five of them.

There's only been one blade.

There's only ever gonna be one blade.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

You know how long I've been waiting for this?

Who am I gonna make a name for

myself here? I don't think you guys

walk away from this. You just make sure people know what

happened here today. When you get out of here, you

have a drink for me, yeah? Just turn on

six and get inside. We'll make

sure you get the package.

And we'll get our ending.

Some motherfucker's still trying to ice skate

up here.

You two escaping I could live

with. But coming back...

Boys are so

silly. I just need to get home.

Well, that's not on the menu, I'm afraid.

It's death or

enslavement. A la carte, of course.

Finally.

It's nice to give someone else a chance to talk.

Not my struts.

You are an interesting one, aren't you?

I do feel like you get lost

behind all of this.

Deadpools are a dime a dozen

here in the void.

But you...

What's going on

here?

Interesting.

Not what I expected, that girl.

Why the anger?

Hiding from them.

From all the ones you let

down.

So much pain.

I walked away.

They called after me

and I walked away.

That's not all you did,

is it?

You found them.

The X-Men.

What did you do?

I started killing.

And I couldn't stop.

I didn't want to stop.

All those bad men.

It's not just the bad ones.

What?

I turned the whole world against the X-Men.

Just once.

I want to be the man that Charles thought I was.

Logan.

In the void, you can be

what you are.

I just want to be free.

I can set you free.

I can silence

all those voices.

I've got you.

No, I got you.

Get it off!

You're going to send us home or I'm going to twist your fucking head off?

Why are you laughing?

I can't send you home

unless you get this thing off my head.

And as soon as you do that,

I'm going to boil your brains

on an atomic level whilst

flicking my bean to the Enya box set.

There's an Enya box?

Either you kill me, or I kill you.

Both wonderful options.

You want me to do it?

No.

I have her neck right here. It's really no problem.

Don't screw it up.

Oh, come on, Mr. PG-13, except the last one.

What the fuck?

You have no idea what it's like.

Day after day, shovel the shit.

Fetch the meats!

I have spent my entire

existence...

Not everyone gets a speech.

She's gonna die.

If I take this helmet off, do you promise you won't kill us?

I promise I will kill you

first.

Why are you like this?

I wish I knew.

Take it off.

This is our only chance to fix our shit!

I am wearing this suit.

And that means a lot of things,

but most of all,

it means I'm an

X-Man.

And I know your brother.

As much as I'm gonna

fucking kill you, every bone in my body

must fucking kill you!

He would not let me stand here and watch you

die!

Take your hands off.

This is for him.

This is for Charles.

My brother loved you.

He loved all of us.

Must be nice.

He would have loved you too.

If he knew about you,

if he knew where you were,

he would have turned all in the fucking universe

to bring you home.

This is my home.

Then at least let us save his.

You wanna hear something crazy?

An amateur magician

rolled through here a while back.

I killed him, of course.

Wore his skin around

for four days.

But I found this

little trinket

on his lovely fingers.

Strange.

Hear me, spare me, serve me.

What's that?

This is your way home.

I do owe you for saving my life.

But let's keep things interesting.

I'd say you have about four seconds

before you and I are screwed.

Gracious.

Truth.

That small cafe

across the way

the children's

carousel

that the wishing

felt.

In every lovely

summer's day

I'll find you

in the morning sun

and when the night

is through

I'll be

looking at the moon

but I'll be

seeing

you.

Glad you gave us a second chance.

And don't worry, Wade and I are a team

so I'll see if he gets African.

Whoa!

That feels like

a Kia.

It's a fucking Kia Carnival, isn't it?

Holy shit.

That's Deadpool.

That's Wolverine.

You're damn straight it is. Fox killed him.

Disney brought him back. They're gonna make him do this till he's 90.

I'll clock you out!

Forever.

Forever.

Wakey, wakey.

Now you put all his bullets

in my belly

and I'm gonna find out why.

Whoa, whoa!

I'll just say it.

You don't have to stick your fingers in me.

Jesus, just ask sometimes.

Fine.

Really?

Hands in pockets.

a guy named Paradox.

He said he'd get me out of the void.

All I know is he works for the TVA.

TVA? We had an agreement.

I don't think this guy cares.

Oh, he will.

Okay, Paul.

How much longer before the time repper is active?

We're running the final safety checks.

Oh, okay. Alright, thanks for all the hard work, Ralph.

Really?

No, you drooling boob. No!

We have company. Cancel the safety checks.

We need to be live now!

Oh, I hate you so much!

Don't, Thor, piss off! You're too late!

You're fucking done.

Why was Thor crying? How dare you?

No one comes back from the void.

Tell that to Cassandra Nova.

Paradox, we have a problem.

Well, you are doughier than you looked

in Pyro's head.

You tried to kill me.

I literally have no idea.

Come with me.

You're gonna kill the king.

Oh, welcome to the skull fight club, Paradox.

You know she doesn't wash that ass.

What's this?

The time repper.

Oh, no, we're on it. We're gonna head down and

dismantle that thing now. We got you, boo.

You just keep playing those keys.

I don't want to destroy it.

I want to use it.

Now, Shoo, mommy and daddy are having

a conversation.

You know the funny things?

I was happy in the void.

You sent your trash to me

live and I cleaned it up.

Everyone was happy.

And you had to go piss

on my side of the fence.

So now the fence must come down.

I'm going to use your little time

repper and I'm going to destroy

this universe. And the next

and the next and the next

until all that's left

is dead.

And I get to play God.

Come with me.

Now, you're going to show me how to use this

fancy gadget. Don't worry.

I've called some friends to make sure we're not disturbed.

Sorry to bother, madam, but there's something you need to see.

We're getting indications

of an unsanctioned time repper activating

on Earth 1005.

Whose district is that?

Paradox.

Thank you so much

for your help, darling.

Good to get out of that head.

What a mess.

Let's give it a beat for the extras to clear.

Go, go, go.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my

god.

We're that sweet town.

Hold me close and you'll

let me go.

Keep this feeling alive.

Make me lose control.

We don't have to be apart ever, ever again.

Never, ever.

Lori, fuck!

What's Cafe Gratitude doing here?

Sorry about that. Tremble not,

sweet fairy puppets.

I'll handle you.

Come here, girl. Papa's here.

Do not insult this animal's autonomy.

She can decide who her papa is.

What's it gonna be, girl, huh?

Original recipe or Van Milder here?

Oh, that's funny.

I can gently tap the fourth wall, too.

The proposal.

What the fuck was that?

Bitch, you think that's what I do?

Oh, shut up.

You smell something?

Yeah, you.

A lot of you.

Hold it, there are a lot of Deadpools over there.

That's bad.

I take it they're not friendly.

Goodness, no. Sorry about this, boys.

Mission over. Cause of death, 100.

Kill thirsty Deadpools.

They're dumb, but they can fight.

Not me, though. I'd love to get in the mix,

but I have low bone density, and I have to keep my face safe.

Hold, please.

Alright, look!

Guys!

Deadpool Prime here!

Our fight isn't with you!

Hey! When I want your opinion, I'll take Wolverine's dick out of your mouth!

That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest.

Can we just be done?

Oh, we're just getting started.

No, no, no, no, with the whole

multiverse thing.

It's not great.

It's just been miss

after miss

after miss.

Look, Wizard of Oz did the multiverse

first, and they did it fast. The gays

knew it, but we didn't listen.

Let's just take the L

and move on.

I think it's been steadily great since Endgame.

What are you talking about?

The multiverse is over.

Sandy gonna destroy the fuck out of every time.

Y'all can't do shit about it.

Do you not get it? If we don't get out of the subway

and stop her, we all die.

Say the boss lady don't want no disturbance.

You wanna get down to the subway?

You gotta go through us.

Lousy time, baby.

Look alive!

I think I'm hit.

No shit. You did that on purpose.

I did no such thing!

Listen to me, gorgeous. How long does it take for you to regenerate?

Regenerate?

You really are God's perfect

idiot, aren't you?

How dare you, you insensitive son of a bitch?

How was I supposed to know he doesn't regenerate?

I'm not a medicine woman.

Look, a donut cart.

They're practically hospitals.

They sell portable triage units.

I'm gonna get you to safety.

Deep breath.

Hey!

Why are we stopping?

Just catching my breath.

Put your legs on vacation?

You're dead weight!

We all have problems. Listen to me.

You're gonna live.

Look at me, nice fool.

You're gonna live.

Say it!

I'm gonna live.

Say it with me!

You're gonna live!

I'm gonna live!

I don't think he's gonna make it.

God, he loved his face.

I can taste his final thought.

He was so afraid.

And he died a hero.

He died for murder, you dumb fuck.

And all I have to remember is by...

Are these two gold plated

50 caliber desert eagle pistoleros.

This is for him.

Are you ready?

I get to kill a hundred ewes?

Fuck you, I'm ready.

Hey, you don't want to see this, bro.

That's a good girl.

I stand alone.

I hear you call my name.

And it feels like home.

Holy shit!

You saved the good stuff for special occasions?

Killing mostly.

What's the wind resistance on those blowjob hangers?

Sorry.

Just a cat-inventure and I'm jealous.

Alright, let's do this.

Maximum effort.

I blew it.

After all that, the only thing they're going to remember is that god-awful dismount.

What's your laughing at, you little fucker?

I guess these ones regenerate.

We have time for this.

Deadpool, stand down!

Yes, Deadpool's with me.

Oh no.

Holy shit.

That's fucking Peter!

Wait, you guys know Peter?

You kidding me? Every Deadpool has a Peter.

Peter's a goddamn legend in every Deadpool's world.

Give us a... fight!

John, I'm Peter!

Oh, now you're here. Oh well, you're too late.

It's all over. Not yet, it's not.

Well, no, no, no, but we're very close.

Homestretch, folks. Promise. Quick.

Let's have the stakes. If she steals the time representative,

she has the power to shred the fabric of all realities

until there is nothing left but the void.

How do we shut it down?

I don't know.

How about now?

The mask is really intimidating, huh?

It's like Batman, except he can move his neck.

The Ripper is fed through a secure chamber below ground.

It is powered by twin matter

and antimatter feeds converging inside the device.

Now, Cassandra Nova is redirecting

the Ripper's power to eliminate all timelines,

starting with this one.

Theoretically, you could stop her by short-circuiting the feeds

in the chamber below. One of you would create a circuit

between the two feeds, then

the released power would destroy

the machine. But, well...

Come on, man! If you're not gonna swallow, spin it out!

Where formed the bridge

would be annihilated.

I could live with that. Yeah, I could live with that too, actually.

You know, we survive anything. We're like cockroaches, but...

Not this time. This is matter

and antimatter.

They do not play nicely with each other.

When they mix in your body, you will be atomized.

Trust the laws of physics,

if you don't trust me. Even if you live long enough

to make the circuit, you will

die down there.

Hold on, Paul.

You heard that asshole upstairs. Even if we

pull this off, we're dead.

Criminally.

That's why it's gotta be me.

What?

Look, man.

You didn't ask for any of this.

You were right. I lied.

I lied right to your face.

Just to get you to help me.

You did.

You didn't lie.

You made an educated wish.

You got a whole world to go back to.

I got nothing.

Hey!

I waited a long time for this team up.

You know something?

You are the best, Wolverine.

Say how do you friends feel?

I don't know.

Open the door!

I can't hear you over all the noble sacrifice.

Why are you fucking doing this?

Because I'm Marvel Jesus.

Or Spock.

Or Martin Sand.

You fucking idiot.

Sorry.

I'm just stalling.

I think I'm nervous enough dying.

This should be me.

Say hi to my friends for me, Peter.

What?

You want to be an annoying prick?

You're gonna die, you idiot.

Hey, you don't need to do this.

I'm not doing it because I need it.

I'm doing it because they do.

I'm gonna take you there.

I'm gonna take you there.

I'm gonna take you there.

I'm gonna take you there.

He's a hero in my world.

Whoever you think I am, you got the wrong guy.

You were always the wrong guy.

Until you weren't.

Wait...

It's finally...

...matter.

I thought that she was safely held in the void.

But no, she was here. And she fondled my brain.

How did you let this happen?

You weren't involved at all.

In stopping her? Yes! Yes, I was.

But not nearly enough.

Not as much as the men who went down there after her.

My men. My friends.

I warned them that they would be completely obliterated if they went.

But they went anyway. Like...

Like heroes.

Because that's who they were.

They just did what they had to do.

With no concern for their own safety.

The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism.

He has risen, baby girl!

Fuck!

And I'll die!

Found your new anchoring.

And we're doing just fine, you piece of shit.

Fine indeed.

Alright, put your greasy tits away, you preening slut.

I don't understand. How are you two still alive?

You were right. One of us would have been killed.

But you put a Deadpool and a Wolverine together?

Make them hold hands while listening to Madonna?

Indestructible motherfucker.

Let's get this Deadpool variant back to the void.

Wait, hold on, what?

No, actually, this one's homegrown. Like me. He belongs here.

And you are?

Peterpool. But you can call me Peter.

And I hope that you do.

What the fuck is happening here?

You are under judgment. Operating an unsanctioned time ripper. Take it.

I was just doing what you don't have the guts to do!

You piece of shit!

I'm grateful, gentlemen. Let's hold the bowels.

You led an omega level mutant to this timeline.

You're welcome.

And you shouldn't even be near this timeline.

You're welcome.

And you look damn good in that suit.

I'm so sorry.

I want to show you something. Something huge.

That's what Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.

Do you see that?

Your universe is regenerating.

Whatever you did here, you not only saved your world,

you spared your timeline from extinction.

I'd rest out.

I have a feeling your work is only just getting started.

Till you're 90.

Wait!

We couldn't have made it out of the void without some help.

From some people that the world kind of forgot.

Is there any way that you could maybe find a way to bring them home?

I'll see what I can do.

And I promised my friend here that the TVA could undo some pretty awful shit in his timeline.

What would you say to that?

Change the past.

He did help me save the world.

And his past made him the man who did it.

There's nothing to fix, Mr. Olsen.

Love him.

Torm, I get in now.

You know, the Avengers discovered Torma.

They'll be lucky to have you.

Oh, come on.

Fuck off!

Come here, my little cunchkin.

Yes, it's you. You're a survivor.

Oh, all is right in the world.

Yes, it is.

So what are you gonna do next?

I'll figure it out. I always do.

So I'll probably see you around.

See you, bud.

Logan!

I'm all out of devil's dandruff and I'm shaking like an angry viper.

Thank you, Hal. We have company.

Althea, this is...

This is Logan.

Nice to meet you, Logan.

Nice to meet you, too.

And this little ancient anal shitnot is Mary Puppens.

Or as I like to call her, dog pool.

You wanna treat yourself to a little stroke.

Get the tongue.

Oh my god, motherfucker!

It's like an armadillo fucked a gremlin angrily in a bed of gonorrhea and didn't stop till the sun came up.

Everyone wants to have it.

Turns out that you don't need to be Marvel Jesus to do it.

You just need to open your eyes and look around.

And if you're lucky, you'll have old friends and some new ones, too.

Good morning.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

You've been busy?

I did it for you.

Even if you don't want me in, I did it for you.

Turns out, I am the one saving type.

Just look around this table if you want proof.

The best part?

Sometimes the people we save, they save us right back.